In spite of the difficult journey I'm on, I feel incredibly blessed by God. His hand is on me and I experience moments of great joy and fulfillment. I also thank God that He has opened my eyes to be able to see and give thanks for those blessings.

Let me count the ways I saw God's blessings this week.

Earlier in the week, I received a text from Christy saying Claire wanted me to attend the spring concert she would be in on Friday evening. Grace and Aiden were also involved in a different choir for older kids, participating in the same program. I agreed that I would like to go. As I thought about it, I got brave and decided to stay with the family overnight instead of driving home late. I say that was brave of me because I knew I wouldn't get good sleep even though I would not be getting to bed as late as if I drove home to my own bed. It turned out as I expected. The concert was great - such a joy to watch my dear grandkids singing in a choir, participating in ministry to their parents and relatives. Of course, my grandchildren were the prettiest and best up there! When we made it back to their house, we got ready for bed. I was pretty tired, but as I had anticipated, I couldn't get to sleep. I lay there, tossing and turning, watching the minutes tick by. I finally drifted off, but then woke up at 4:40 A.M. (What's wrong with me!) But I think I'm finally learning not to fight it or be upset when I get only a few hours sleep. The amazing thing I've discovered is that I really don't feel that bad all day, even with only 4 hours of sleep. This is a blessing in itself: to be able to "rest" in lack of sleep, to not fret or be upset or greedy for more.

When I woke up so early, I lay there hoping that when I finally did get up, I would not disturb the rest of the family. I got my shower, did some reading and still no one else was up. I was beginning to think about leaving and going home, even though we had talked about me taking one or two kids back with me. I was packing up my things, when Claire arrived at my elbow. She was hoping to go with me, so I told her I was ready to go. She quickly ate something and off we went. 

She is a talker and we did not lack for interesting conversation all the way home. We stopped at Starbucks for a coffee for me and a cake pop for her to break up the long journey a little. When we got to the house, Claire and I played a couple of games before the rest of the family arrived.

This is another wonderful blessing. Christian, in the tree trimming business, also has developed a mulching side to his business. He brought his truck filled to the brim with free mulch, with a trailer, hauling a MultiOne to help with the work. 

All of the kids are good, hard workers which is so helpful with all my gardens. They mulched, raked, and did a lot of grunt work all morning. Claire took her job as water carrier seriously. Can you catch it if I throw it?

  

It was a beautiful spring day with lovely blue skies and flowers bursting out in full bloom. This magnolia tree makes me so happy every spring.

I fed the family their lunch and everyone was very hungry after all their hard work. I'm glad I had enough food. I was beginning to worry a little before everyone said they were full.

After lunch Christian cut down a tree for the neighbor who lives right next to me. It was a tree that kept dropping branches, including a branch that landed on his car a couple of weeks ago. I love to watch Christian do his work. He is so knowledgeable and skilled in his work.

 

I'm not the only one who likes to watch him work. He had quite the audience.

Another blessing is how God brings along the right person as a resource for my needs as they arise. In Andy's days of dealing with helping people, sometimes that involved finding a lawyer to help with their issues. He became acquainted with an elder law attorney that assisted several people in our congregation with their legal issues. As a result, she developed a great respect and liking for dealing with Andy. When Andy became ill, she redid our wills and I came to know her as well. I have hired her to help me get the paperwork together to make my application for Medicaid assistance. I met with her to submit more paperwork this week and for her to go over final details with me so that application can be filed soon.

And speaking of the right person at the right time...I've been thinking I might need to try to find another facility that's cheaper for Andy to be moved to. But that task seems daunting to me. How do I figure out the best place? He needs a certain level of care...it can't be just any nursing home. He needs help in all his daily living tasks. But then a person stopped at the office one day this past week as I was getting ready to leave work. We got to talking and she told me she works in nursing homes and has experience with them and can give me a list of possibilities for me to check out. She encouraged me to make appointments for a tour in each of them to get a more realistic feel for what they are like, which you can't necessarily get by just a phone call or even a check online.

Last night after all that hard work outside, I was sitting in my chair, when my phone dinged. I got a text from a friend asking if I wanted to walk early this morning. Wow! God was thinking of me, to put the idea in my friend's head to want to spend a little time with me. I love this woman, have known her for twenty years, and any time we can be together is a treat. So off we went this morning. The weather was foggy and misty and we came back pretty damp, but our conversation was encouraging to both of us.

As I visit Andy each day, I've been wondering how much he really remembers or knows. So one evening I experimented by asking him a couple of questions. I asked him who he was. He didn't answer. Then I asked him what his name was. He tried, but still didn't answer. Then I asked him if he knew who I was. He mumbled something unintelligible and seemed a bit frustrated. So I asked him if those questions were too hard. And he answered with a clear, "Yes." Now this is the amazing thing: a little later as I was preparing to leave, he looked straight at me and said very clearly: "You're beautiful." What makes some things so impossible to penetrate to his understanding, but other things as clear as day? This, too, was a gift from God. My heart was happy and I still, several days later, gain pleasure from remembering that moment.

These examples are clear indications that God is present with me, ministering to and encouraging me. He truly is a good God, personally involved in the details of our lives. I am spiritually strengthened by contemplating the sovereignty of God. 

 

Psalm 71:5

For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth.
 

Psalm 73:28

But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 109:21

But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
 

Psalm 140:7

Sovereign Lord, my strong deliverer, you shield my head in the day of battle.
 

Psalm 141:8

But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death.
 

Isaiah 25:8

He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken.
 

Jeremiah 32:17

“Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.


Nothing is too hard for our Sovereign Lord.  

Staff building...bury the hatchet...do those two phrases go together? Hmmm...depends on the staff and what you mean by burying the hatchet.

It was pastor's idea. All the pastors, interns and office staff did a 5th Wednesday special activity together which happened to be at a facility called "Bury the Hatchet." It's really more a guy thing, but I did participate, along with two other women. I confess up front that I did not do very well. In fact, I did pathetically horrible. I could get the hatchet to hit the target, but I didn't have enough strength to get it to stick, so it hit, then fell off. 

I knew from the beginning I had no chance of doing well but it was an interesting activity and the comradery and competitiveness was fun to be part of. In a way, it wasn't really very fair because after all, 1) I'm a lot older than the other participants; 2) I'm female with no testosterone; 3) I'm shorter than everyone else. So those are my excuses and I'm sticking to them.

I was able to spend some time with Kasey on Tuesday. I met a friend for coffee in the morning, then went and picked up Kasey. I brought her back to my house for some girl time. We bonded by playing Candyland and dressing up like princesses.

She allowed me to braid her hair which is fun for me. (A few days later, she still had those braids so I guess it was fun for her, too.)

We have a lot of birthdays this time of year. Asher's is January 31. He turned 10. I went and picked him up on Friday and brought him back to the house. What a delightful boy he is. I had such a good time with him one on one. He loves the game of Greedy, and we played 10 games in the night and day he was with me. We played a few other games just to add a little variety, but we always came back to Greedy. 

It was freezing cold on Saturday but we had to do our traditional birthday hike. We dressed warmly and went over to Long Bridge Park. The outside temperature was 24 degrees. Brrr. There was ice along the shore of the Rancocas Creek, which was fun for Asher to  step on and try to break. Then of course, he had to try using the broken pieces like skipping stones. I don't know how he could stand to hold those ice pieces but they didn't seem to bother him.

After our hike, we stopped in to see Andy. Asher played three pieces on the piano for us to enjoy. Then of course, we had to avail ourselves of the ice cream parlor.

The rest of the day was spent in more games of Greedy! I'm always intrigued at how the kids can occupy themselves. I needed to spend some time in preparing the evening meal when everyone would be joining us. So Asher stayed busy by arranging the tri-omino tiles in various designs to bring about different results.

The rest of the family arrived by 4:00 pm - all the kids, spouses and grandkids. It was wild and crazy. After the meal of baked ziti, two kinds of salads, homemade rolls, and blueberry dessert, we were entertained by Tommy and Dawn, as we tried to determine who had the biggest biceps! Laughter is good medicine, right?

And one more party today...this one for Kasey and Cole at Dawn's house. Cole's birthday was Feb. 1 and Kasey's will be Feb. 8, one week apart, celebrating ages 2 and 4. They got so many presents. It was like Christmas all over again.

I am so grateful for the family God has blessed me with. It makes my heartache bearable.

I'm currently reading 90 Days of God's Goodness by Randy Alcorn. I always appreciate his perspective. 




On Day 18, he referenced the two men walking on the road to Emmaus with Jesus after the resurrection. He compared their situation to our own. "Many of us, without realizing it, have walked the Emmaus road. Sorrow overwhelms us. Questions plague us. We wonder where God is...when all along he walks beside us."

Isn't that the truth? He has promised to never leave us, he is always with us, his Spirit lives within us. So even in our darkest hours, even though we may not feel like he is with us, he still is. This is a great comfort to me. And on another day (page 73), Randy adds that "no matter how bad the present, an eternity with Christ in Heaven will completely overshadow it." Some day when we're in our Savior's presence, we'll be able to say that the things we're going through now are "light and momentary troubles." 

In another day's reading, Randy reminds us that there will be eternal triumph over temporary suffering (day 22). "The Cross is God's answer to the question, 'Why don't you do something about evil?' God did do something...and what he did was so great and unprecedented that it shook the angelic realm's foundation. It ripped in half, from the top down, not only the temple curtain but the fabric of the universe itself...Evil and suffering formed the crucible in which God demonstrated his love to humankind. His love comes to us soaked in divine blood...God does not merely empathize with our sufferings, He actually suffers. Jesus is God ("the exact representation of His being," Hebrews 1:3). What Jesus suffered, God suffered. God allowed and ordained Jesus' temporary suffering so he could prevent our eternal suffering."

This world is not what it was meant to be
All this pain, all this suffering
There's a better place
Waiting for me
In Heaven

Every tear will be wiped away
Every sorrow and sin erased
We'll dance on seas of amazing grace
In Heaven
In Heaven

 I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Home

Lay down my burdens, I lay down my past
I run to Jesus, no turning back
Thank God Almighty, I'll be free at last
In Heaven
In Heaven
I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong

Blinded eyes will finally see
The dead will rise on the shores of eternity
The trump will sound, the angels will sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I am goin' home

Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Where I belong

I'm goin' home
I'm goin' home
I'm on my way home
I'm goin' home 
 Writer(s): Chris Tomlin, Jason Ingram, Jonas Myrin, Ed Cash 

Several months ago, I waded through Victor Hugo's Les Miserables again. In some sections, he can seem to ramble off into explanations that don't seem necessary. I'm sure they are and they have their place. But honestly, I think when I read it the first time, I did a lot of skipping over anything that wasn't very exciting. But this time, I purposed to read every word. I'm glad I did because he is a talented writer. There is pleasure in participating in others' creativity: the music of Mozart, a gourmet meal, and certain authors' way with words. 

 

For instance, Hugo described a cloudy sky as: "heavy clouds filled the horizon with their melancholy folds." I love that: "melancholy folds." Can't you just see the gray clouds piling up on top of each other? In one of the sections in his book, Hugo went into a discussion of old age. He described the four corners of old age as being: decrepitude, decay, ruin and sadness. Sounds depressing and not very hopeful.

But that is not taking into account the gospel.

This week I pulled God is the Gospel by John Piper off the shelf. I love Piper's writing because he beautifully points us to a God centeredness when our culture is so focused on self. In chapter 6, Piper refers to our walk with the Lord as being transformed from glory to glory, but this is not true for our physical bodies in this age. He says, "the experience of all Christians in this life is progressive aging and weakening and failing health and death." I identified with this degeneration because I am witnessing it first hand with Andy's health.

I am a little surprised by people's response if I mention that I'm getting older. The idea is often pooh-poohed. Oh no, not you! Well, I might have many more years to live, but I also might not. And I'm certainly not young any more! But that's ok with me. Piper points out that "Paul is very clear that this is part of the godly Christian experience as we "wait...for...the redemption of our bodies." "Not only creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies" (Romans 8:23). Then he goes on to add that this "outward decay is simultaneous with inward renewal from glory to glory as we fix our gaze on the glory of Christ." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

But the good news of the gospel is that even though our bodies are wearing out, that is not the end. Because God gave himself to us by sending Jesus to die for our sins and win us to himself, death is not the end. Jesus conquered death and because he lives, we will too. 

Piper contends that God is the greatest gift of the gospel in and above all other gifts. He quotes Jonathan Edwards who says: "He is the highest good, the sum of all that good which Christ purchased. God is the inheritance of the saints; he is the portion of their soul. God is their wealth and treasure, their food, their life, their dwelling place, their ornament and diadem, and their everlasting honor and glory." 

We will spend eternity being dazzled by God's beauty and glory. Psalm 16:11 ~ "In Your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." And David says in Psalm 27:4 ~ "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple."

I love to think about our future life with our Lord in heaven, when we'll be free from the heartaches of this life and enjoying more happiness than we can ever imagine here. But while we are still here, there is also much to enjoy in this life. Piper makes the point that just as God promises that "all things" work for the good of those who love God, so He will also, along with Jesus, graciously give us "all things." (Romans 8:28 & 32) "All things" means all things, in this life as well as in the life to come. We enjoy the saving gifts of the gospel: predestination, incarnation, justification, reconciliation, consummation, eternal life, etc. 

And in the here and now, this life, I have many things to be thankful for. God has blessed me abundantly with a loving family, hobbies, books to read, friends who encourage me, cry with me and go to lunch with me, a job, a beautiful home to live in, to name a few.

I've been working on a puzzle the last couple of weeks. I love this particular one because it is a puzzle of a lion, in the shape of a lion, with different African animals arranged on the body of the lion. How creative of the artist to come up with this idea. It wasn't easy with 1,000 pieces and the border pieces were not all obvious. But it was fun to spend a few minutes here and there to work on it and see it come together.

 

I was able to attend a hockey game that Chase was playing in. Their game was fairly close by, still in Pennsylvania but just over the river. His games are usually a lot further away so I was happy to be able to spend some time with the girls and Amy in the bleachers (Ricky stood because he gets too excited to sit still) and watch Chase play his game. It's amazing to watch those kids skate around forwards and backwards...how do they go so fast? While I was sitting with Amy, she mentioned that Joanna had crocheted dresses for her dolls. When I saw the dresses, I was impressed. What detail...even scallops on the hem of the one dress. Joanna is only 9. The doll on the left was her first attempt, but the one on the right is quite good.

After the game, the kids were happy to pose with me.

 

It looks like Chase is taller than I am, but that's only because he has his skates on. He still has a few inches to go, although I don't anticipate it will be much longer.

Yes, life is hard. January is especially hard for me because that is the month we lost our first born. You never get over the death of a loved one...never. But even though life is hard, God is so good. He reveals himself to those who hurt. He watches over and sustains the widow (Psalm 146:9). "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). 

Suffering helps to intensify our longing for God and the hope we have in Him. We come to experience his grace, mercy, peace and goodness when we are desperate and needy. He is our Rescuer, our Rock, our Strong Tower, our All in All. 

So the good news of the gospel is God Himself. He gave us His son, Jesus Christ, who is the image of God. We see God in the face of Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:3-6) "The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word." Hebrews 1:3

Every year I read through the Bible at least once and about this time, December, when I get to the minor prophets, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the sin of the Israelites. God pleads with them to return to him. He reminds them of his kindness to them and promises judgment if they don't repent and leave their wickedness. I can't help but wonder how they can stray so far from Him. He's always so faithful and loving toward them, His children. They've been eyewitnesses to His miracles in providing for them, fighting their battles, speaking to them by angels and prophets. But they still reject Him, preferring to run after false gods. 

Then I am reminded that I do the same thing. I, too, forget the kindness and faithfulness of God. But the difference in our new covenant era, is that my sin and forgetfulness are  covered under the blood of Jesus...not to be brought up and held against me. 

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

Colossians 1:22 -  "But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation..."

But even in the Old Testament, God was showing His kindness to His children, as wayward as they were. He speaks through Hosea: "I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them." (Hosea 11:4) 

And what about Psalm 103:8-13 ~ "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever; He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him..."

Such an amazing truth...

Even when I lack the faith to believe, even when I am discouraged, even when I make bad decisions, even when I worry, even when I whatever...God's grace is available. He does not accuse me, but prays for me and enables me to persevere.

In Saturday's reading in Morning and Evening, Spurgeon explains Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me." 

He says: "The call of the Christian faith is the gentle word, 'Come.' ...the Gospel draws with cords of love. Jesus is the Good Shepherd going before His sheep, bidding them follow Him, and leading them forward with the sweet word, 'Come.' The law repels; the Gospel attracts. The law shows the distance that exists between God and man; the Gospel  bridges that awful chasm and brings the sinner across it." 

He continues to explain that the word "come" is a welcoming, encouraging word. Picture a mother encouraging her toddler to walk toward her. She opens her arms to the baby, saying, "Come to mommy, come on, you can do it..." This is a beautiful picture of Jesus encouraging us in our walk with him in this life. In fact, when He tells us to come to him in Matthew 11, He is actually telling those of us who are weary and burdened to come to Him. And when we do, He promises to give us rest. 

And we can echo Peter's statement of faith, "Where else can we go, for You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68)

Earlier in the week, I was dealing with some insecurity. I was wondering what I was: am I a widow, well not really. I'm alone, by myself, but not really. But the Lord whispered his peace to me, and I'm really ok with this in-between stage. This is my life right now...unsettled, back and forth between home and Andy. But as C.S. Lewis says, "It is what it is, and that's the end of the matter." (Mere Christianity) In my mind there's really a little more to it than that. Yes, it is what it is, and I can't change that. But I also want to believe that this is the life ordained for me since before time began. And if this is what God planned for me, then He has the whole thing planned, including the here and now. All I need to do is trust Him. That's all. Sounds simple, but it's not. It's the hardest thing we as people are called to, because we're so prone to wanting to fix things, to make things right. And I think God has wired us this way. He's made us in His image, and we long for things to work out right, to have a happy ending. But some things are beyond our ability. Only God is infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, and sovereignly in control.


God is God and I am not. Besides, I too often tend to forget that this is not about me. It's about God and His glory. Yes, He's using me as part of His story, but ultimately, it's not about me. And that's good. So the challenge is to not let our focus be on ourselves and our situation, but to "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:2-3)


I did not take any pictures this week, so I'm looking back in my archives to some pictures that remind me spring will be coming again. Winter can be depressing with the very short days, most of them gray and cloudy. Colors are drab and lifeless, brown and more brown. Snow is a change of pace with white covering everything, but that doesn't last long before it turns gray, too. So feast your eyes on the colors of spring and summer.

The seasons are a visual reminder of God's faithfulness! 

Summer and winter, springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above.
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All I have needed, Thy hand has provided,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me. 
© 1923. Ren. 1951 Hope Publishing Co., Carol Stream, IL 60188

Up and down, up and down...living at extremes

Dawn met me at Care One on Monday evening with the kids. We had the usual ice cream in the ice cream parlor, then went back to Andy's room with him. He was more alert that he usually is and he obviously enjoyed the children. 

But the rest of the week, he was in distress. The tremors really bother him. I don't think he's in pain, but the constant uncontrollable shaking is hard to ignore and causes him anxiety. 

The nurse told me that his medications have been changed which may take his body a couple of days to get accustomed to the new regimen. I think the doctors are trying to ease his tremors, but at this point, nothing seems to be working.

On Friday evening when I arrived, Andy was already eating his dinner. I took over for the care giver. He would open his mouth as the fork came to his mouth, but he was practically catatonic and unresponsive otherwise. When he finally finished the meal, I helped him back to his room. He was shaking so violently and was in such distress that I promised him I would find the nurse. When the nurse came in, she advised him to lie on the bed on his left side. When he did so, his right hand stopped shaking. I got a wet washcloth to put on his forehead because his room was hot. He lay quietly for about 10 minutes, then sat up and seemed perfectly normal. It was the strangest thing. Did the medicine finally kick in? What made the difference between the violent shaking and catatonic state to the feeling better enough to sit up and engage with his surroundings? It's so puzzling.

I've also had some stressful situations at home with Andy's mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year or so after Andy was. She is still home, living in the in-law apartment attached to our house. I am not very involved in caring for her, but she does live in my house. She has always enjoyed doing laundry, but recently, it has become almost an obsession or fixation for her. I have noticed her doing laundry nearly every day. And when I do my own laundry, she thinks its hers so she goes into the laundry room and pushes buttons or takes clothes out of the washer or dryer when it's not even hers. I have to watch her constantly. 

In the last week or two, she's been "washing" items that shred apart in the washer and dryer, making a huge mess for either Dad or myself to clean up. On Monday when I got home from work, I walked into the laundry room to find Dad with the vacuum cleaner trying to vacuum out lint from the dryer. There was already a large pile of lint on the dryer that he had been able to get out. He suggested I call someone to come clean out the dryer vent because there was so much lint, he was afraid it would cause a fire and be a danger.

Well, this caused me so much stress. I felt that the best solution was to put a lock on the laundry room door to keep her out. But would that be kind because it was one thing she loved to do. But it wouldn't be kind to let her continue to destroy the appliances.So I did not sleep all night, just thinking about all of this. What is the solution? I remember thinking in the middle of the night: "I quit. This is all too hard." 

But the next morning, reality hit. I can't quit. This is a new day - the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The night seemed so dark and the hours ticked by so slowly, but the morning brought hope and even joy because his mercies are new every morning.

Then I read about Julian of Norwich in a book we have on our shelf, Devotional Classics. She lived from 1343 - 1413 and had a deep desire to know and love God. She wrote: "I wanted to experience every kind of pain, bodily and spiritual, which I would have if I were to die - every fear and temptation. I intended this because I wanted to be purged by God's mercy and afterwards live more to his glory because of that sickness."

I was in awe. She actually wanted to suffer. But the purpose of that suffering was so she could share in Christ's sufferings and know God better. It's obvious she did enjoy a beautiful relationship with her Lord because she also writes: "We are so preciously loved by God that we cannot even comprehend it. No created being can ever know how much and how sweetly and tenderly God loves them. It is only with the help of his grace that we are able to persevere in spiritual contemplation with endless wonder at his high, surpassing, immeasurable love which our Lord in his goodness has for us."

Everyone suffers in some way. None of us would chose how we would "like" to suffer. I don't suffer with an unbelieving husband or with wayward children or life in a country halfway around the world being persecuted for my faith. My suffering is mine, and I believe God doesn't waste experiences. He can use what we are going through to show his might, power and love as he enables us to endure, praise him in the storm and grow in our love for him. He also lovingly opens our eyes to reveal our hearts to us...how self-centered, impatient, prone to want the easy way out, etc. In fact, the seed of every sin is in my own heart. He shows us our hearts so that we can repent and realize we need his help to live a life that pleases him.

When my eyes are open to it, I have much to be thankful for. This past week, a friend came over to help me adjust the timers on my lights. While he was here, he changed a couple bulbs that had burned out and were too high in my cathedral ceilings for me to take care of. I also received a card from someone who had gone to our church years ago. She told me she had been to Care One with her job and was surprised to see Andy there. She met with him and shared a verse with him that she had read that morning in her private devotional time. This meant a lot to me. She not only helped Andy, but also took the time to write me a note to tell me about her time with him.

Yesterday I drove up to see Amy and her family. I just hung out with them, reading books to the kids, watching their "exploits," doing errands with Amy, just being with them. Katy the youngest is taking gymnastic lessons which is perfect for her. She has so much energy and was eager to perform for me. She was proud of herself being able to jump rope on the trampoline. She kept on, over and over. If I had one tenth of her energy, I could get a lot done!

And here's a lovely handstand on the trampoline. I don't think I could ever in my life do a headstand, let alone a handstand. She is very agile and talented.

 What a fun time I had with the family. 

The week also provided an opportunity to have lunch with a friend on Tuesday. She is going through a hard time, and we were able to encourage one another with the Scriptures and reminders of the goodness of God.

At church today I enjoyed numerous conversations with friends and even met a few new people. After church I joined several others at a Thai restaurant, grateful for the chance to be with fellow believers on a day that usually feels long.

Another excerpt from Devotional Classics written by Soren Kierkegaard, was so encouraging to me this week. He wrote a prayer to God: "You who are unchangeable, whom nothing changes! You who are unchangeable in love, precisely for our welfare, not submitting to any change: may we too will our welfare, submitting ourselves to the discipline of Your unchangeableness, so that we may in unconditional obedience find our rest and remain at rest in Your unchangeableness. You are not like us; if we are to preserve only some degree of constancy, we must not permit ourselves too much to be moved, nor by too many things. You on the contrary are moved, and moved in infinite love, by all things. Even that which we human beings call an insignificant trifle, and pass by unmoved, the need of a sparrow, even this moves You; and what we so often scarcely notice, a human sigh, this moves You, You who are unchangeable! You who in infinite love do submit to be moved, may this our prayer also move You to add Your blessing, in order that there may be brought about such a change in us who pray as to bring us into conformity with Your unchangeable will, You who are unchangeable."

What a beautiful concept: God is unchangeable, but is moved by our sighs. We are worth much more than the sparrow and He keeps track of our tears. 

Psalm 56:8 ~ "Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll— are they not in your record?"

Psalm 126:5 ~ "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy."

Sorrow may come in the night, but joy comes with the morning. Great is His faithfulness.

I often share about the all-sufficiency of Christ and how He meets my every need. Once again, I have evidence that He is and He does, indeed.

One evening this past week, I received an email from someone who indicated something that I was not expecting would happen. I was totally unprepared and unsuspecting of this information. Consequently, I was very unsettled but tried to commit it to the Lord and went to bed. Predictably, I was unable to relax and was awake most of the night, wrestling in prayer, committing this problem to the Lord, thinking about it, mulling it over. I could not NOT think about it...it was all consuming and overwhelming. 

In the morning, as I was preparing for my day, in desperation I asked the Lord for a word to calm my heart. In my heart, I heard the words: "Stand and see." I looked up that phrase in the concordance and found two instances where that was spoken.

The first one I looked up was 1 Samuel 12:16 where Samuel is scolding the people of Israel for demanding a king. He says to the people: "Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes! Is it not wheat harvest now? I will call upon the LORD to send thunder and rain. And you will realize what an evil thing you did in the eyes of the LORD when you asked for a king."

Then the Lord did indeed show His mighty power and great strength by sending thunder and rain. 

The other incident was recorded in Exodus 14 when the Israelites were at the Red Sea and saw the Egyptians coming up behind them. They were terrified and cried out to Moses. Then Moses told the people: "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:13-14)

This was such a blessing to me...a wonderful reminder of God's deliverance of His people. They needed only to be still and watch Him work. This beautiful picture helped me calm down and trust that God was going to work out my own situation. He has promised to take care of us.

I have only to be still. I never saw myself as a worrier. But the situation I'm in has revealed to me that I am indeed so prone to restlessness and worry. I leaned a lot more heavily on Andy than I realized. If he would talk to me about issues, I would always be the one to say, "God is sovereign...He will work it out." In essence, I let Andy do the "worrying" for me. But I no longer have him to talk things over with - I feel the weight of responsibility.

But I long to be still, to have a quiet heart, to rest in the knowledge of God's almighty hand in my affairs. 

Psalm 37:7 ~ "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him..."

Psalm 46:10 ~ "Be still and know that I am God..."

Isaiah 30:15 ~ "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."

Being still gives us the time and opportunity to contemplate God, what He is like and how He has worked in our lives in the past. Knowing Him gives us the assurance that things are in His competent hands.

Being still, though, is next to impossible for a "doer" like me. I need the Spirit's help and Jesus living through me, letting Him quiet my heart and trusting myself to His care.

Andy's condition continues to deteriorate. His tremors are out of control. If I take his hand to try to stop the tremor, instead of my stopping him, he controls my own arm so that it feels like it might just shake off. I don't know how he can stand it. Actually, it is very frustrating to him and causes anxiety. He's restless and can't sit or lie down for long. I don't think any position is comfortable for him.

I long to relieve his misery but I'm powerless. I've been reading Matthew's gospel to him, about all the miracles Jesus performed. I can't help but think that if we lived in Bible times, I'd take Andy to Jesus for healing. He is the Great Physician; He heals all our diseases. But even in Jesus' day, the people He healed all eventually died. 

So we look forward to eternal healing, where "our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) 

"Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life." (2 Corinthians 5:2-4)

Death will be swallowed up by life!  Eternal life - life as it was meant to be, forever and ever. No more sickness or ill health...fully alive in the presence of our Savior. Hallelujah!

He's alive! He is risen!

My journey this week followed a similar path, on a much smaller scale, Jesus' journey to the cross. The whole week I was reminded of how He suffered such distress and anguish, asking for the cup of suffering to pass by him, but humbly accepting the Father's will for him.

I seemed to be especially sensitive to the grief I was going through. I thought I had been through the worst of it, and it was behind me. But another wave of it came on me this week, maybe triggered because of my physical weakness due the cold I had. Whatever the reason, I was actually thankful for the experience because I was able to identify, even in such a finite way, what Jesus went through on my behalf. 

I was lying in bed on Monday night thinking how lonely I was. There was no one in the bed with me, no one to have a conversation with, no one to reach out and wipe my tears away and hold me to tell me it would be ok.

And then just as God sent his angel to minister to and strengthen Jesus in the Garden (Luke 22:43), so God sent him angels to me. On Tuesday morning when I woke, I saw there was a note from a friend in my email in-bin. She wrote how she was praying for me and our family with the sweetest, kindest words. I was so blessed and encouraged. 

The next day, I met with another friend - another angel - who hugged and encouraged me, as well. She reminded me that God knows that I am dust, it's ok to grieve, and God grieves with me. 

And then as if that was not enough, God led me to purchase a new book: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. 

 

Right in the introduction was such truth, that I needed to hear again. Such precious life giving truth - why am I so prone to forget these beautiful, wonderful truths?

"There's never a moment in all our lives, from the day we trusted Christ till the day we see Him, when God is not longing to bless us. At every moment, in every circumstance, God is doing us good. He never stops. It gives Him too much pleasure. God is not waiting to bless us after our troubles end. He is blessing us right now, in and through those troubles. At this exact moment, He is giving us what He thinks is good."

In spite of the trial I am going through, God has given me eyes to see that I am truly blessed. Because of the cross, I enjoy a relationship with the God of the universe. He has given me a new nature, and I am clothed in the righteousness of Jesus Himself. This is the greatest blessing of all.

Beyond that, He has given me so many other blessings. I was able to enjoy working outside in my gardens this week. The weather is so beautiful and a lot of my bushes and trees are blossoming. (Of course, the weeds are proliferating, as well, but not for long! Let me at 'em!)

 

I was interested to note that there were a few leftover beauty berries from the winter. I'm glad the mockingbirds and non-migrating robins had enough to make it!

Our family was able to be together yesterday to celebrate the Easter weekend. In order to make it less stressful for everyone, we decided to just order pizza. I made two salads and we had ice cream for dessert.

 

The kids had a lot of fun playing outside and the weather was perfect for that. Please observe that it is important to dress appropriately when playing on the swingset!

I told the girls that Andy always lights up when I mention them, and so we all decided to run on over to see him. Grace and Asher played, then some of the others played a piano piece or two. Asher is fearless and loves to play. The bench was a little high for him, but that didn't hinder him. He's amazing for only being 9.

I asked one of the staff to take a family picture. I was a little disappointed in how it turned out - somewhat fuzzy. I'm not sure how that happened. But at least we're all in it. And this is another blessing I enjoy - our family.

This morning I attended our Sunrise service. What a blessing to be reminded of the glorious hope we have because of the resurrection. This world is not all there is...one day, all our troubles will be behind us, we'll live forever in a perfect world with no more sorrow, no more tears, no more sickness and pain and with our blessed Savior forever and ever!

"'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you." (1 Corinthians 15:54b-58a)

So in one sense, we are currently living in our own Good Friday, with sadness, despair, overwhelming disappointment. But Good Friday is not the end...Sunday's coming.

He is risen indeed!