"[I am] hard pressed on every side, BUT not crushed; perplexed, BUT not in despair; persecuted, BUT not abandoned; struck down, BUT not destroyed." 

These verses are another example of the "Holy But" that Dan Stone devotes a chapter to in his book, The Rest of the Gospel. He challenges us to live after the BUT. For instance: we can say: "I know God loves me, but it doesn't seem like it...everything is falling apart." Or "I know God is my sufficiency, but I don't really have what I need." This way of looking at life, though, is living "in the junk," in our circumstances.On the other hand, we can let the Holy But be a bridge, which picks us up from where we're stuck and moves us into faith. If we didn't have the negative in life, we'd never exercise faith. The negative is real and should prompt us to move into faith. Instead we can say, "I feel so weak, BUT God is my strength." Or, "I'm in pain, BUT Christ is my sufficiency."

I wish I could say I have this down pat, but in reality, I feel like I failed miserably this week. I was literally in the pit of despair for a day or two, and it took a lot of reading, praying, counseling by friends, talking with family members, preaching to myself what is true, and time to process with the Lord before coming back up to the "green pastures and quiet waters." 

King David uses the Holy But in Psalm 13. He starts out the psalm in doubt and despair: "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?" Talk about being in the pit of despair! But David doesn't stay there. He reminds himself that he can go to God for answers. Then he uses that word, BUT. "But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me." His situation hadn't changed but he remembered who God is and how God had dealt with him in the past. 

It is actually a benefit the longer you live because it means you have a history of God's dealing with you throughout your past. I told someone recently that in all the times Andy changed jobs, there was never a time when he missed a paycheck. When he left seminary and we moved back east, he went straight to a job that was waiting for him. Then when we moved to Washington state for his job as associate pastor, he was immediately put on a salary. When he resigned from the pastorate and we moved back to NJ, again God provided an immediate job for him to move into. There were several other instances as well. God provided, God provided, God provided.

So the bottom line is for me to believe God will provide! You would think that this would be easy for me by now. But I confess it is not. I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. How am I going to pay for the extremely expensive care that Andy needs at this time?

I can't just bring him back home, nor can I place him in an ordinary nursing home. He is at the point where he needs an assisted living mental care facility. He can't care for himself any more. 

Although my trust in God does not negate my own responsibility, I feel like so much of this is out of my control. I am meeting with a financial advisor and have an elder law attorney who are a lot smarter than I am at figuring these things out. So although I don't know the future, I know the God who holds the future. I am encouraged that none of what I'm going through is surprising to Him, nor did it catch Him off guard. He has a purpose in it and He is calling me to trust Him. 

A lot of things are still in the process of being resolved. To relieve some of that mental anguish, I had to get out for some nature therapy yesterday. It was a beautiful day, spring like with blue sunny skies and warm temperatures. I went to Strawbridge Lake in Moorestown because it's more urban. People use the road by the lake for jogging, biking, walking their dogs which feels safer for me since I'm by myself.

 


So no matter how difficult the circumstances I go through, I am not losing heart. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) I may have moments (hours or days) when I am in the pit of despair, but God does not leave me there. In fact, He is there with me, but He speaks His truths to me, encouraging and ministering to me Himself. And He really is enough!

The other day I heard Casting Crowns sing God of All My Days. I think it was written just for me.

In my worry, God You are my stillness
In my searching, God You are my answers
In my blindness, God You are my vision
In my bondage, God You are my freedom
In my weakness, God You are my power
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days

Songwriters: John Mark Hall / Jason Ingram

God of All My Days lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

God is my stillness, my answers, my vision, my freedom, my power, the reason I can sing...my Everything. 

In a conversation I was having with someone, they were remembering how kind and gentle Andy was/is. Then they asked if he ever got angry. The only incident I could remember at the time occurred in the early days of our marriage when we were in seminary, living in Portland, Oregon. One day, our car had a flat tire and Andy went out to change it. One of the lug nuts was especially tight and he couldn't get it. In frustration, he kicked the tire. I thought it was funny then, and I think it's funny now. Kicking an inanimate object does not resolve the problem, it only hurts the kicker! 

This morning another incident came to my mind. When the girls were little, we had a cat. We named her GG because she was feisty and a GoGetter. We had her from the time she was a kitten, and as she got older, she developed a very bad habit of pouncing on Amy, the baby. One day, Amy was coming down the stairs, when we noticed GG crouching at the bottom, waiting for her. Sure enough, when Amy got to the bottom, GG pounced. Then Andy went into action. He was so angry at this cat picking on the baby, he picked her (the cat!) up and threw her across the room. The older girls and I were aghast, but he was adamant that no cat is going to hurt his baby. 

Even though he was angry, his anger was against the injustice of others picking on helpless, innocent victims. He had a strong sense of justice for the underdog. There were several times that he helped people in our church who were being victimized, by setting up appointments with a lawyer, even accompanying them and paying for the attorneys' fees. 

Over the years he had related to me stories of how he protected his brothers from bullies when he was a kid. Recently his brother told me he remembers Andy punching another guy in the mouth. This guy was very much older than Andy but I'm sure he did or said something to bully someone else and it was more than Andy could take. 

I'm glad I have these memories. It makes the current situation more bearable. Our daughters have been texting me pictures of their dad that they have in their memory banks or scrolling on their computers. I love this one of Andy, estimated to be about 15 years ago. He looks so young!

Andy is holding a puppy, not a cat!

Asher imitating his Pop-pop, several years BA (before Alzheimers)

This week was difficult for me in several ways. Andy seemed to be taking another step downward in the progression on his disease. Ironically, I had called the nurse at his facility last week to ask her to have his care givers give Andy cues when he is showering. I told her that he needs to be told what to do, but he can follow directions. This was ironic because only the day after I had this conversation with the nurse, I had occasion to have Andy take a shower. I got him in the shower stall and started giving him cues. But it was obvious he had no idea what I was telling him. Simple things like: get the soap, wash yourself, shampoo your hair. Nope - "no comprende." 

Another thing I noticed this week is that he seemed to be sleeping a lot. When I arrived at 5:00 to help him with his dinner, I would have to wake him up. When dinner was finished, we would go back to his room, he would lie down on the bed and fall asleep while I was reading to him. Several of those nights, I would just sit there with him for a while before finally getting up to leave. He didn't wake up as I moved around the room. This seemed unusual for him.

But the last couple of nights he has been more awake and alert, even staying awake through two whole chapters as I read to him. So there are the ups and downs, the uncertainties of the disease, but it helps to remember that God never changes. He is still faithful, His love is unfailing, He is full of grace and mercy toward His children.

As I woke on Wednesday morning, I was reviewing a verse I had recently memorized: Hebrews 4:16. "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say this verse to myself, and then I say to God, "and I am sooooo needy, but what a gift, that I can come to You with confidence and You will give me the grace I need for this day."

As a confirmation to my thoughts, Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word was such a blessing (this particular post is not uploaded on his website yet). He said there are two words God never says to His children. His whole post was a poem and I eagerly kept reading until He mentioned the two words we'll never hear from God: "Go away."  I think of this sometimes, how we can become impatient with our own children or other people when they are needy, but God never becomes impatient with us. He is the perfect parent. He wants us to run to Him when we are desperately needy. 

Another day this week, when I got to work, I opened the mail. There was an envelope addressed to me and when I opened it, there was $120 in cash enclosed with a note that they were praying for me and I could use the money in whatever way I wanted. How kind of the Lord to give me this encouragement because later in the day, I received word from another source that my money was running out, I needed to get in touch with my lawyer and get working on my Medicaid application. The money and card I received was confirmation that He is working on my behalf and hasn't forgotten me.

 
I am tempted to worry and fear the future, but He comforts me with his presence, his word and his people along with evidences that he is going to provide. I understand that this trust does not negate my need for action when it is required. But I want to make sure I am listening to God's voice and not rushing ahead of Him and trying to make my own decisions.

I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. 

 

I am reading again, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory.  

 

 

 

I can't say enough good about this book. He really hammers away at the truth of Jesus living his life through me. I am a clay pot, just a vessel, for Jesus to live through. We are to be in "union with the Greater and let Him express Himself though the lesser. We are vessels--containers of the life of God. But we are not the contents of the vessel. God is. We cannot produce His life. We can only express it." (page 115)

How prone we are to forget the truth of the gospel. It's not just that we are forgiven, although that would be good enough. But we've also been given the righteousness of Jesus. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. Amazing. I hope I never get over the beauty and wonder and awesomeness of this truth.

Our pastor calls this the two sides of the cross. On the one side, Jesus took my sins on Himself; on the other side, He gave me His righteousness. 

 

2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ "God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." 

Galatians 2:20 ~ "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure (Jesus) in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

 

I often share about the all-sufficiency of Christ and how He meets my every need. Once again, I have evidence that He is and He does, indeed.

One evening this past week, I received an email from someone who indicated something that I was not expecting would happen. I was totally unprepared and unsuspecting of this information. Consequently, I was very unsettled but tried to commit it to the Lord and went to bed. Predictably, I was unable to relax and was awake most of the night, wrestling in prayer, committing this problem to the Lord, thinking about it, mulling it over. I could not NOT think about it...it was all consuming and overwhelming. 

In the morning, as I was preparing for my day, in desperation I asked the Lord for a word to calm my heart. In my heart, I heard the words: "Stand and see." I looked up that phrase in the concordance and found two instances where that was spoken.

The first one I looked up was 1 Samuel 12:16 where Samuel is scolding the people of Israel for demanding a king. He says to the people: "Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes! Is it not wheat harvest now? I will call upon the LORD to send thunder and rain. And you will realize what an evil thing you did in the eyes of the LORD when you asked for a king."

Then the Lord did indeed show His mighty power and great strength by sending thunder and rain. 

The other incident was recorded in Exodus 14 when the Israelites were at the Red Sea and saw the Egyptians coming up behind them. They were terrified and cried out to Moses. Then Moses told the people: "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:13-14)

This was such a blessing to me...a wonderful reminder of God's deliverance of His people. They needed only to be still and watch Him work. This beautiful picture helped me calm down and trust that God was going to work out my own situation. He has promised to take care of us.

I have only to be still. I never saw myself as a worrier. But the situation I'm in has revealed to me that I am indeed so prone to restlessness and worry. I leaned a lot more heavily on Andy than I realized. If he would talk to me about issues, I would always be the one to say, "God is sovereign...He will work it out." In essence, I let Andy do the "worrying" for me. But I no longer have him to talk things over with - I feel the weight of responsibility.

But I long to be still, to have a quiet heart, to rest in the knowledge of God's almighty hand in my affairs. 

Psalm 37:7 ~ "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him..."

Psalm 46:10 ~ "Be still and know that I am God..."

Isaiah 30:15 ~ "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."

Being still gives us the time and opportunity to contemplate God, what He is like and how He has worked in our lives in the past. Knowing Him gives us the assurance that things are in His competent hands.

Being still, though, is next to impossible for a "doer" like me. I need the Spirit's help and Jesus living through me, letting Him quiet my heart and trusting myself to His care.

Andy's condition continues to deteriorate. His tremors are out of control. If I take his hand to try to stop the tremor, instead of my stopping him, he controls my own arm so that it feels like it might just shake off. I don't know how he can stand it. Actually, it is very frustrating to him and causes anxiety. He's restless and can't sit or lie down for long. I don't think any position is comfortable for him.

I long to relieve his misery but I'm powerless. I've been reading Matthew's gospel to him, about all the miracles Jesus performed. I can't help but think that if we lived in Bible times, I'd take Andy to Jesus for healing. He is the Great Physician; He heals all our diseases. But even in Jesus' day, the people He healed all eventually died. 

So we look forward to eternal healing, where "our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) 

"Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life." (2 Corinthians 5:2-4)

Death will be swallowed up by life!  Eternal life - life as it was meant to be, forever and ever. No more sickness or ill health...fully alive in the presence of our Savior. Hallelujah!

It occurred to me this week that pride and worry go hand in hand. Peter links the two together in 1 Peter 5:6-7, when he tells us to humble ourselves under God's mighty hand, then goes on to command us to cast all our anxieties on God because He cares for us. So doesn't that make sense that if we're worrying, we're not humbly placing ourselves under the mighty and competent hand of God? He is able to take our worries if we cast them on him, which involves humbling ourselves, trusting that he will take care of those worries. 

I was meditating on this, just thinking: "what a concept," when the Lord led me to Matthew 11:28 where Jesus is telling his disciples, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

Wow! Jesus was humble, he trusted his Father perfectly. And if we learn from Jesus' example, we will find rest for our souls. Rest, not the stress of worry. 

So God continues to teach me. I pray that I will continue to be open to his quiet whisperings in my heart, drawing me to himself, helping me to become more and more like Jesus and letting him take care of me. I know I can't take care of myself and worrying certainly doesn't help either, so I need to humbly submit myself to the care of God - day by day, moment by moment.

The question I hear most often from people is: how is Andy doing? It's a difficult question for me to know how to answer, although I'm grateful that people care. I guess the best way to answer is to keep posting experiences and conversations I have with him.

Andy seems to still know who I am. He tells me he loves me, he expresses his gratitude for "all I'm doing." He tries to have conversations, but I often don't understand what he's talking about.

One evening this past week, he told me he felt like he needed to have some money because there were some people he needed to be able to help. It's pointless to reason with him, so I just went along with him and asked him how much he wanted. He said he thought $200 would be enough to start. So I told him I would have to go to the bank the next day since they were already closed. He was ok with that, and of course, he forgot when I visited the next day. He hasn't mentioned it since.

Another evening, he said he didn't think he could keep on doing what he was doing. I wasn't sure what he was talking about with that statement, but on probing a little, I think he meant he couldn't keep his job. I reminded him that he was "retired." He heaved a sigh of relief, then said he needed to talk to someone about stopping his salary. I told him I would take care of that. And he was satisfied with that answer.

Andy was on a 30 day round of antibiotics for his uti. He finished that medicine so we'll see how long he stays infection free. He struggles constantly with the tremors in his hand and chin. Sometimes, his arm jerks spastically. I mentioned that I didn't think his legs were shaking but he said they do sometimes.

Another day, he told me that he didn't think he would "be here much longer." He couldn't explain why. But I used that opportunity to remind him that our times are in God's hands. He knows the end from the beginning. I also talked about how wonderful heaven will be when we get there.

I continue to read Scripture to him every evening when I visit. It seems to be a great calming influence - for him as well as for me.

This past week, Tommy came over on Tuesday to help me trim my bushes. They were out of control. I borrowed a hedge trimmer from a neighbor. Tommy got them all done in about an hour. In the past, I have tried to trim the bushes myself, but if I use the hedge trimmer, it is so heavy to lift up that I don't last very long. Then, too, I ruined one trimmer years ago by cutting into the cord. So I figure it's better not to try that job myself.

Tommy brought over Kasey and Cole for me to play with while he worked. Kasey liked the Candyland game. She was fascinated with the cards and pictures of the cupcake, cookie and candy cane...not really into game rules yet.

Yesterday, I took a trip down to Ocean City where Dawn, Tommy and kids are spending some vacation time. While the kids napped, Dawn and I went to the boardwalk, got a coffee and walked up and down. What a treat! 

When it was time to return to the family, we went back to the car, but couldn't find it. Neither of us had been paying attention when we parked, so we walked up and down a number of streets before we finally found it. My phone said we had walked about 4 miles (but that included our walk up and down the boardwalk, too!). I don't know that Tommy will let us live that down. A couple of airheads! Well, we were making memories!

I've had a little time, here and there, to work in my gardens. They give me lots of pleasure, and I'm so grateful for the beauty of God's creation.

I am amazed that I am feeling at peace with my situation right now. That can only come from the Lord. 

Psalm 25:4-10
Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; 
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, 
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord. 
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

Another year older...yes, I had a birthday this past week. I'm not one to tell how old I am, but as my aunt often says: "another year older is better than the alternative." Truly, life is a gift and I'm grateful.

I received this beautiful bouquet on Monday from a group of friends. It brought joy to my heart all week as I looked at it on my desk and smelled the delightful fragrance of the blossoms. I also got cards and fb well wishes from my friends and family. I felt loved - another gift I'm grateful for.

Speaking of life...I had an appointment at a funeral parlor on Tuesday to begin discussions about funeral arrangements for Andy and me. I confess that after I left, I was feeling a bit low. Although I know we're all terminal, it can be disconcerting to think about and actually plan your funeral. I was also not happy about how much it was going to cost. I've been advised that it's prudent to pay your funeral expenses now to help in the spend down of your assets to qualify you for Medi-caid. 

Thinking of writing a check for thousands of dollars got me on the worry track again. But God is so good and is helping me to realize where my mind is going. He brought me back on track before I spent too many empty moments on future scenarios. I was reading Proverbs 2 and 3 on Wednesday morning when I came to the verses that the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and discernment (Proverbs 2:6). I asked the Lord right then and there for that wisdom and to lead me in the right direction when it comes to spending money. After all, it's His money, not mine or Andy's. It is given to us to be stewards of, and I do want to be a good steward of his money and not spend it foolishly or needlessly.

Then later in chapter 3, I read these verses (25, 26): "Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared." 

Have no fear! This was such a comfort to me...the Lord will be my confidence (not how much money I have left over)!

I read some amazing portions in my devotional reading this week. I'm continuing to read Spurgeon's Morning and Evening every day. I also read all of Nancy Guthrie's Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow this week.

 

Here are some gems I wrote down from this week's reading:

"Our disappointments reveal that we don't value the eternal promises of God as much as we want him to fix what we see as our most significant problems. We think that our physical life is of ultimate importance. We have a hard time grasping the significance and reality of the life to come." (Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 37)

"Trials make room for consolation. We are 'happiest' in our trials because then we have the closest dealings with God." "Out of the depths, I cry to you, O Lord" (Psalm 130:1). (Morning and Evening)

"Our prayers tend to be inconsistent, self-centered and energized more by a desire to get what we want from God than to enter into what He wants. But there is One who prays for us whose prayers are never insincere and misguided. His prayers are earnest to the core. He is the only truly righteous person who ever lived. So certainly the earnest prayers of this righteous person have great power and produce wonderful results." (Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 62)

"He who made no mistakes in balancing the clouds and meting out the heavens, commits no errors in measuring out the ingredients which compose the medicine of souls." (Spurgeon, quoted in Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 83)

 "When we are weakened by the loss in our lives and Christ's power moves in, making us content when we don't have what we need, joyful in the midst of great sadness, and at rest in the midst of chaos, GOD IS GLORIFIED." (Hearing Jesus Speak...,page 116)

"Contentment is one of the flowers of heaven. It must be cultivated. It will not grow in us by nature. The new nature alone can produce it, and even then we must carefully and watchfully maintain and cultivate the grace that God has sown in us...Am I a diligent pupil in the College of Contentment?" (Spurgeon, Morning and Evening)

Did you notice the recurring theme...contentment? When we take our eyes off Jesus and focus on our circumstances, we will inevitably become disillusioned, despondent and discouraged. 

We are enjoying incredible weather right in the middle of February. And I was able to take advantage of it by hiking with a friend yesterday. We went to Rancocas State Park again - it's one of my favorites. We enjoyed blue water, blue sky and all on the blue blaze trail.

 

We enjoy so many blessings because of being children of God. I heard a song - new to me - by Selah: I Got Saved.

There is a river of gladness
That pours from Emmanuel's veins
This sinner was plunged beneath the flood
And got saved

Since then I walk in forgiveness
All of my guilt was erased
The chains of the past
Are broken at last
I got saved
Oh, I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've received nothing but goodness
I've tested and tasted Your grace
I was so lost
'Til I fell at the cross
And got saved
Oh, I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

The love of God
Gave me His pardon
The love of God
Won't let me stay the same
The love of God
Pulls me up higher
His will is stronger
That's why I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've got Jesus
How could I want more
"I Got Saved" written Jennie Riddle, Corey Voss & @crystalyates for the upcoming Selah 2017 album.

If I've got Jesus...how could I want more? I have all that I need in Him. "I've received nothing but goodness, I've tested and tasted His grace." "I was so lost till I fell at the cross." He lavishes his grace, mercy and love on me continually.

Mercy outruns malice.

Think about that. Jesus told Peter that Satan had asked to sift him, but Jesus had prayed for him that his faith would not fail. Isn't that a comfort to think that no matter what trials we face, Jesus is praying for us that our faith will not fail? He understands what we're going through, grieves with us and prays that we will not be overwhelmed or give in to despair. Since he is perfect, he is in the perfect position to know how to pray intelligently for us. His desire is for our growth and God's glory.

I'm also encouraged that Satan had to ask permission to sift Peter. So anything that happens to me is only by God's permission. He has a reason for allowing anything to come our way. In Peter's case, he was allowed to be tested in order that he might strengthen his brothers. And he did become quite bold in his proclamation of the gospel.

We don't always know the reason for our own trials except what Scripture tells us. For instance, James 1 says that our trials are for teaching us perseverance. And perseverance develops maturity in us. Even though trials are difficult, who in reality wants to remain a child? We need to grow up in our faith, and there's nothing like an impossible situation to teach us dependence on the One who is stronger than we are. When we are forced to lean not on our own understanding, we realize how beautiful is the grace and mercy of God that enables us to endure.

In my own case, if it hadn't been for the difficult trials I have and am facing, I would tend to live in "la-la land." I wouldn't be able to empathize with others who are going through hard times. My bent tends toward minimizing pain and hardship..."oh, it's not so bad." But dealing with the death of a child and a husband suffering with Alzheimer's - well, how can I minimize those?  At the same time, I realize that as long as we live on this earth, everyone has their own set of issues that are hard to deal with. 

I am so amazed, although I shouldn't be when I consider the kindness of our Lord, at how he responds to me when I am a mess of worry. He sympathizes with my pain and always meets me in my need. My thoughts were beginning to wander to the dark side the other day, grieving because of my new status of virtual singleness and feeling inadequate to this new role; specifically, how am I going to meet all my financial needs. There are sure to be many needs that I don't even foresee, etc. But instead of chastising me for my lack of trust in God meeting my needs, he sent me a reminder that he will in fact take care of me. I was sitting at my desk at work when a dear woman came in and handed me a card, telling me she and her husband were praying for me and wanted to give me a "small" gift. When I opened the card, there were not only encouraging words, but also a check for $1,000. 

What a good God he is to me. I certainly don't deserve such kindness, but I'm grateful. This past Tuesday's verse of the day was 2 Timothy 1:9 - "He has saved us and called us to a holy life -- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time..."

There's comfort in knowing that God had my story planned out even before the creation of the world. And he knows how it's all going to end. It's faulty thinking to suppose I would like to know the ending, that I would be more at peace. Living by faith is pleasing to God. If I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn't need to depend on God. And dependence is what honors and glorifies God. 

I've had some interaction with Dawn and her family this past week. We got a good snow storm last Saturday.

We got a good amount of snow so Tommy came over to clear the driveway for me and brought the girls along. 

Kira stayed outside the whole time helping Tommy with shoveling. Kasey stayed in the house with me. She's very entertaining.

  
I met Dawn on Tuesday morning at Care One to visit Andy. She brought the kids along. Don't you just love Kasey's girly outfit?
 

And yesterday morning, they came over again to help me take down the Christmas tree. Tommy also gave me some suggestions on which of Andy's books he thought would sell well. I'm still working on organizing our books - what a job. But I think I'm getting closer to the finish line on this one. I now have every book catalogued, just need to decide which shelf they'll end up on.  

I have a lot of loose ends to tie up right now. I'm trying to commit my way to the Lord and just do the next thing, but my list is overwhelming. I think I'll be able to start checking things off this week so hopefully, by the end of this next week, I'll be a little bit less stressed.

I keep telling myself I'm "care free in the care of God." That's my new theme song!

I am very much enjoying Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening devotional readings. I was really ministered to this morning by what he wrote.

His text was from 2 Samuel 7:25 where David reminds God to do as he had promised. Spurgeon uses this text to remind us that "God's promises were never meant to be thrown aside as wastepaper; He intended that they should be used. God's gold is not miser's money but is minted to be traded with. Nothing pleases our Lord better than to see His promises put in circulation; He loves to see His children bring them up to Him and say, 'Lord, do as you have said.' We glorify God when we plead His promises."

Spurgeon is often referred to as "the prince of preachers." He was gifted in the way he crafted words and word pictures. He says: "Our heavenly Banker delights to cash His own notes. Never let the promise rust. Draw the word of promise out of its sheath and use it with holy violence."

He encourages his readers that God "loves to hear the loud outcries of needy souls. It is His delight to bestow favors. He is more ready to hear than you are to ask. The sun is not weary of shining, nor the fountain of flowing. It is God's nature to keep His promises; therefore go at once to the throne with, 'Do as You have said'."

So I'm going to arm myself this week with the promise of God's sufficiency for my every need, including His presence, strength and wisdom to accomplish all the items on my overwhelming list.

"Carefree in the care of God."

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

How I constantly need to be reminded of these truths.

I met on Tuesday with my elder law attorney and our financial agent to discuss my financial future. They both assured me there was enough to provide for Andy's care as well as my own. I came away from the meeting relieved and praising God for Andy's foresight and provision for me/us.

You would think my fears would be silenced and I would rest in the providence of God. But no...as the week wore on, I started entertaining "what if" scenarios. Fortunately, God came to my rescue as he always does. 

He had several people call me to interact with me on what I was thinking/feeling - speaking truth into me. I've also been reading Nothing Is Impossible With God by Rose Marie Miller, recommended by a friend. 

 
This author has been through a lot but in the process, her faith has grown and through her writing, she gives credence to the goodness of God in spite of the difficulties we endure. She quotes Alister McGrath in his book, Why Does God Allow Suffering?

"Suffering serves a vital spiritual function. It reminds us of our mortality, preventing us from entertaining delusions about our nature and our future...The great prize which is set before us is none other than a relationship with God himself. But our vision is so distorted by sin that we see nothing but the lesser prizes around us. We are called by God to find our rest in him. But our hearing is so dulled that we hear only the voices of the world and its transient goals. We settle for the shadows of the grand delights for which we were created."

Those thoughts were reinforced as I read in Randy Alcorn's book, 50 Days of Heaven. He reminds us that God is a lavish giver. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) Alcorn expounds on this verse by stating: "The God who gave us his Son delights to graciously give us 'all things.' These 'things' are in addition to Christ, but they are never instead of him - they come 'along with him.' If we didn't have Christ, we would have nothing. But because we have Christ, we have everything."


I was trying to understand why I am having such a hard time trusting that God is going to provide for my every need. Maybe because this is so new to me. I've had 43 years of not having the final responsibility. Andy was always the one who calmed my fears and was able to convince me that things would be ok, and I believed him. It was his responsibility and out of my hands. It feels different now. I can't talk this over with Andy. The buck stops with me. Or does it??? No, the reality is that now I have a new husband, God Himself. And he is even more to be trusted than Andy was. He knows the end from the beginning. This is all in His plan and He can be trusted. This is another opportunity to preach the gospel...to tell the world that Christ is enough. I can be satisfied in Him, no matter what's happening around me or what I'm going through.

Another example of the grace of God at work in me is how I'm adapting to Andy being in the "nursing home." When Andy and I first became involved in ministry, I told Andy I just couldn't accompany him when he made hospital visits. Walking into a hospital made me feel faint...I just couldn't do it. The smell made me nauseous, the sight of blood made me feel queasy. How ironic it was that Andy himself was in the hospital numerous times with a concussion, in traction, with a parasite that attacked his white blood cells, etc. (I can't even begin to count the number of times he was hospitalized in our married life!)

I have been visiting Andy every evening at Care One - right around the dinner hour. I am getting to know the other residents, as well as the care givers. It is amazing to watch Andy as he interacts with the people. It's like he's gained a whole new congregation. I have walked in on him a number of evenings and found him on his knees beside another resident, with his hand on the arm of a man in a recliner, comforting him. Or as we talk to another resident, a lady in a wheelchair comes up to us, and he pats her on the head. He sits next to another man at dinner time and the two of them carry on a conversation that only the two of them understand. Another lady told me that Andy is so kind and gentle.

This is beautiful to watch and I am grateful for this experience. It's obvious that Andy's ministry is not over. He has been placed in this situation for a purpose and for a time. The Spirit of God is shining through him even in his illness.

A lady at church this morning told me that early on in Andy's illness, Andy had told her husband that he wanted to finish strong. I would say God is honoring that desire.

Sparrows

Jason Gray

You can't add a single day by worrying
You'll worry your life away
Oh don't worry your life away
You can't change a single thing by freaking out
It's just gonna close you in
Oh don't let the trouble win

You may feel alone
But you're not on your own

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

Lean in and it's hard to miss
Everything can change
When you make it His
Oh He wants to carry it

Carefree in the care of God
 

When you let it go
You'll find that He's enough
Oh you never leave His love

You don't walk alone

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

There's not a single star that's out of place
There's nothing broken He can't remake
If you long for hope when you're afraid
Oh look at the sparrow
Look at the sparrow

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
Even the sparrow knows

He holds tomorrow

Songwriters: Mia Fieldes / Jason Gray / Jonathan Lindley Smith

Sparrows lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing, Music Services, Inc