I will not be posting today due to a bad head cold which is preventing me from thinking clearly.

 

"I love the Lord because he heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy." Psalm 116:1

On Saturday morning, as I was walking on the treadmill, I was also desperately asking the Lord for wisdom. In a lot of ways, it was a good week. An occupational therapist came to the house several times to assess our situation, to give tips on things for Andy to do so that I wouldn't feel like I needed to come up with ideas. That was really good and I was encouraged, although it was quite sad to see how incapable Andy was in accomplishing simple tasks. He doesn't seem to understand that the square goes in the square and the circle goes in the circle, etc. But he works diligently to make it work and doesn't give up. (so typical of him) 

Several things the therapist suggested were actually children's toys which I already had in our grandkids' toy box. But there were some other ideas she had that I ordered and already received.

This one involves screwing nuts and bolts together, as well as matching the colors.

I thought he would really like that hammer and bench, but he's not as interested in that, perhaps because it's noisy and he has to hit pretty hard to make any progress. 
 

 

These toys are inexpensive and they occupied him at great length yesterday morning while I was working at laundry and baking.

The therapist also suggested an adult coloring book. I got one and he tries, even though it's hard for him with his tremors. 

So while it's helpful to have an occupational therapist give ideas and try to help, it is also sad to see him struggle to accomplish tasks that a toddler can do.

On Friday morning, I was part of the care giver support group where Andy goes for his day care. That was hard for me this time. In reality, I don't want to think of Andy progressively getting worse, although I see it constantly. I keep hoping somehow, he'll never have to go to a full-time care facility.

But that was part of the conversation on Friday morning. The leader said pretty forcefully that we need to have a plan in place before we get to the crisis. I see her point. She gave an example of a caregiver who was shopping (an innocent activity), and fell and tripped. She ended up in rehab for 8 weeks with a broken shoulder and kneecap. Fortunately, she did have a plan in place and her daughter was able to get her husband into a facility while she was convalescing. She was very emphatic that the caregiver needs to take care of her/himself because if something happens to her/him, the spouse is "doomed." I see her point. If something happened to me, what would happen to Andy? He can't take care of himself.

Well, I don't mean to be cavalier, but this is not taking into account the sovereignty of God. I don't believe in making decisions based on fear and what if's. And as a case in point, consider this example:

Several weeks ago, I was thinking I needed someone to help me in our morning routine. Someone to hang out with Andy while I shower and get ready myself. But I called around to several home health care agencies and was told there was a required minimum of 3-4 hours. I didn't need that many hours and felt it would be a waste to pay someone for that amount of time. So I really didn't go any further with this idea. I was getting adjusted to keeping close tabs on Andy and it was going "ok."

Then yesterday morning, "out of the blue," a friend called to say she wanted to give us a hour in the morning to help. Wow! I was shocked and overwhelmed. We are going to start with 3 days a week to see how it goes. She is highly qualified, a retired nurse, as well as a dear friend. Her husband is a former biking buddy of Andy's and over the years, we've done fun things together. How kind of the Lord to prompt her to serve in this way. I felt it was a direct answer to my desperation in praying for mercy while on the treadmill earlier. It was also an affirmation that the Lord is working on my behalf. He is not leaving me to my own devices.

This idea of the Lord serving his children is quite an interesting thing to think about. Jesus said that he didn't come to be served, but to serve, (Matthew 20:28 & Mark 10:45). His whole life was an example of service, from his poor birth to his death on the cross. But the amazing thing is that even now, he doesn't stop serving his children. Even in his majesty at the wedding feast in heaven, he will be serving us. This is an amazing picture in Luke 12:37 where Jesus tells his disciples that he will dress himself to serve, will have them (the disciples) recline at the table and he will come and wait on them.
 
I believe he gains great pleasure in serving us. He loves to meet our needs, to provide grace and mercy to help us in our times of trouble. I believe it makes him happy to make us happy.
 
That's why I love Psalm 116.
"I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. 
Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome with trouble and sorrow,
Then I called on the name of the Lord; 'O Lord, save me!'
The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."     
(verses 1-7) 

It was raining yesterday morning but by afternoon the sun came out, so I ventured outside. It was very chilly, felt quite autumnal. And surprise, surprise...there was a lovely clementis flower bravely blooming as one last gasp before it gets really cold.

 

I've often heard others and thought myself: "How do people go through struggles and heartache who don't know the Lord? How do they do it?"

Since Andy has been attending The Tender, I've also been involved with the caregivers support group that meets twice a month - a room full of spouses, sons and daughters with loved ones who have dementia. We share common sadness as we watch our loved ones decline, but in all the times we've been together, I've not seen anyone express despair. We share our frustrations, yes, but we also laugh together at what we are going through. This has been amazing to me and I've been cogitating and trying to understand how we all cope (Christian or not).

When Paul was preaching to the Greek pagans on Mars Hill, he shared this beautiful truth: "In HIM, we live and move and have our being." (Acts 17:28) And there you have it...no one can make it without the Lord. They may not know it, but the Lord is working on their behalf. Here are more verses that speak to that:

"The LORD is good to ALL; he has compassion on ALL he has made." Psalm 145:9

"The Lord is...loving toward ALL he has made." Psalm 145:13

"The Lord upholds ALL those who fall and lifts up ALL who are bowed down." Psalm 145:14

And then there's the verse in the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus tells us that our Father "causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5:45)

Everyone benefits from the goodness, love, mercy and grace of the Lord. He is a good God to all his creatures.

Of course, it is much more meaningful to know the Lord and be comforted by his Word and his presence. To have a relationship with him makes the trial so much more bearable. Identifying with Jesus in his sufferings, knowing it's all for a purpose, trusting in his wisdom, grace and love for his children are all truths that lift us up out of our dark times.

This week I pulled Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl off our shelf to read again.




I don't believe this man is a Christian, but God obviously gave him some amazing insights into human nature and suffering that he speaks to in this book. Frankl lived through the Holocaust in a concentration camp and wrote about his experiences and those of his fellow prisoners. 

Some of the things he writes that I resonate with:

"Suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little." So true. I've been quite discouraged at times by some of the mistakes I've been making at work - probably just because my mind is so completely filled with my suffering. I'm so distracted. Frankl's statement put words to what I've been feeling. What I am going through is consuming me. It's all I think about, literally day and night. I'm not saying this to excuse my errors. It's just reality. I hate making mistakes, but  thankfully, I believe in the sovereignty of God who uses our weaknesses to teach us truths about Himself and ourselves.

Yesterday as I was sitting in my chair, reading, with Andy sitting silently beside me, I decided to go ahead and just read out loud to see if it would have any meaning to Andy. The section I was reading was so appropriate for our situation and I really think Andy grasped the significance, even if only for the moment.

"When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept his suffering as his task; his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge the fact that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden."

At that point in the reading, I paused to explain to Andy that he was doing a good job of accepting his task and doing it well. Understanding that there is a purpose to our suffering can keep us from despair. Then to add the spiritual element, I reminded him of Romans 15:13 - "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

For we do not sorrow as those who have no hope. We have an anchor for our souls: Jesus, in us, the hope of glory! (1 Thessalonians 4:13, Hebrews 6:19, Colossians 1:27)

I've been thinking that the next time we had a nice day, we should go back over to Palmyra Cove and enjoy the river. Yesterday was such a day. The sky was so blue. I know I've said it enough times to be boring, but I LOVE BLUE SKIES! And it won't be the last time I say it.

We didn't walk much but enjoyed sitting by the river watching the bridge traffic and a few boats speeding along.

And then today a friend came over to spend the morning with Andy while I went to church. This is the kind of friend who took Andy for a ride, then stopped at Johnson's Corner Farm where they had ice cream for lunch!

And another friend shared with me a song that she thought I would enjoy:

Soon by Hillsong
Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness and crowned with love
When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I’ll be going
To the place He has prepared for me
There my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders 'round the throne
At His feet I’ll lay my crowns My worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon

Thanking God for little pleasures yesterday, today and every day!

"I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together." Psalm 34:1-3

How good God is to me. I was so low last weekend, but God was working on my behalf. Two weeks ago, in staff meeting, I mentioned that I thought I needed to keep Andy home from church. It was too hard for him to sit in the service for that amount of time. The staff prayed about this for me and suggested that perhaps someone could stay with him so that I could attend church. It wasn't long before God began to answer. 

Only two days later, Dawn called me to say D & A had asked her if there was anything they could do to help Andy and me. I immediately suggested to Dawn about my dilemma regarding church. When Dawn told D & A, they were excited to be able to do this. Then as Dawn happened to be with her father-in-law, she asked him if he would like to take a Sunday. He also said yes. A couple days later, Dawn suggested I contact Andy's two brothers, Dan & Jeff, to see if they would mind taking one Sunday a month. I did and they agreed.

Then someone from church asked me in an email how we were doing because he hadn't seen us in a while. When I told him about the church situation, he said he would pray about this, too. A couple days later, he wrote back to say that his community group wanted to take turns sitting with Andy and there were about 3 more people who wanted to take a turn. Can you believe it??? It's like God opened up the windows of heaven and poured out his blessing of provision.

It will seem strange to go to church alone without Andy, but it is obviously God's care to provide for me to be able to go and fellowship with others.

I was also encouraged Sunday night in my reading. I have just finished reading Second Forgetting again, and I "happened" to be at chapter 6 on Sunday night. 




Chapter 6 is entitled, "God's Grace for Caregivers." Everything I read in that chapter was an encouragement to me, drawing me back to God's perspective. 

"As a caregiver, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you too have a caregiver, one who can surpassingly meet all of your needs. Christ is our caregiver."

And Christ is our model for giving care.

"God calls us to walk in the way of love. How? By remembering what Christ has done for us and following his example in the way we treat others. You make many sacrifices to provide care for someone with dementia. In a concrete way you are putting the needs of someone else before yourself. This is a practical and present expression of Christ's own sacrificial love, and we are called to live this way in imitation of Christ. Ephesians 5 tells us that we should give ourselves up for others as Christ did for his church. When we give of ourselves and give up parts of ourselves to provide for someone else who cannot provide for their own needs, we are proclaiming the gospel through our example."

The author quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer with words that are particularly appropriate about the humility needed as we serve others: "Nobody is too good for the lowest service...We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God, who will thwart our plans and frustrate our ways time and again, even daily, by sending people across our path with their demands and requests."

He also reminded me that "caregiving highlights our insufficiency." How desperate is my need, I cannot do what he's called me to do without his enabling strength and power.

"The One who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Andy's disease seems to be progressing rapidly. Several doctors and the CEO at The Tender have told me this. And I really didn't need their input. It's obvious to me, as well. Last year this time, we were hiking all around the parks of south Jersey. But I think our hiking days are over. Any little exertion is exhausting for Andy. But at the same time, the days are interminably long if we stay in the house all day. So I've taken to going for rides. Last Sunday afternoon, we rode down to Pakim Pond. Today we rode out past Black Run Preserve. I'm not sure how much Andy gets out of these rides. He doesn't talk or communicate while we're driving. But it's getting him out of the house, which is good as long as we still can.

He saw his neurologist on Thursday and I asked about Andy's constant tremors. The doctor said, "Well, it is a progressive disease." But he said he could try increasing Andy's medications. So I am now giving Andy innumerable pills 5 times a day. So far, I haven't seen that they've made any difference.

The amazing thing to me is that although Andy can no longer put whole sentences together or carry on a meaningful conversation, he still prays at dinner every evening. He sometimes forgets to thank God for our food, but he does speak clearly and most of the time, his sentences in his prayer make sense. I think it is an indication of who Andy is at his core. He is a man of God. And another thing I really liked in Second Forgetting is the statement that we may forget God, but He doesn't forget us. Isn't it obvious that God is remembering both Andy and me in the way he continues to bless us and give us evidence that he is with us?

I am thankful for our family who has determined to pull together and not abandon us at this time. Even though the time together may be hard as we see Andy get progressively worse, we derive comfort and encouragement from each other by being together.

We had dinner together yesterday afternoon. I made a sandwich casserole that is always a big hit.

 
And we were able to get all the kids together for a picture with us. With this many people in the picture, it is rare to get everyone looking just right all at the same time. But I like looking at the pictures, personalities come shining through!

      
After all the rain from Hurricane Matthew, it was nice to see the sun come out this afternoon. It was a good reason to go out for another drive. We went to Strawbridge Lake and even got out of the car and walked a little way, enjoying the sunshine sparkling on the water.
 

 "Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8
 

"The longing desire of the heart after Christ and God and heaven breaks all our worldly bonds and raises us out of the miseries of time into the riches of eternity." (Andrew Murray in Daily in His Presence)

Sometimes, as long as we are enduring the miseries of time here on earth, it's good to remember that the bright spots. Andy and I had many wonderful trips that we took in the years he was in ministry. We had a Southwest credit card and were able to accumulate enough points to be able to fly free anywhere in the U.S. Those were happy times enjoying the beauty of God's creation.

Rocky Mountain National Park

Ricketts Glen

Pacific Ocean on Oahu Coast

Oh, how I need to set my mind on things above today because circumstances at the moment are bad - very bad. Both Saturday and Sunday, Andy has been in distress. I'm not sure what the problem is because he can't verbalize it to me. He says he feels bad and he looks it. His hand is shaking constantly - it must be exhausting. And I feel bad because I can't fix the problem. I called the doctor to see if I could move up his appointment. His next appointment isn't till Oct. 18th, but the secretary said the doctor was booked solid. I really don't know how we can wait that long.

It's been a very long two days. And I'm wondering if he is up for going to The Tender tomorrow. I guess we'll make that decision tomorrow morning.

On top of all that, yesterday morning I woke up to a broken down refrigerator. When I opened the door, the light did not go on. Everything was still cold inside so it must have just happened. I called service but it was Saturday and they were closed. However, surprise - a guy called me this morning to tell me he'd be out tomorrow to see what the problem is. 

Fortunately, we have a full refrigerator for the upstairs apartment and it is practically empty. I was able to move everything to that refrigerator/freezer and didn't lose any food. Yeah!

On the same day's reading as the quote above by Andrew Murray, he mentioned that it might be worthwhile to make a study of the place that the word continual ought to have in our life. And these are good thoughts to ponder. 

"First, there is the continual streaming forth of the infinite love of God towards men. Then follows the continual, unalterable dependence on God every moment of our life. And after that, the continual receiving of goodness and happiness from God alone, as well as the continual mortification of our evil nature. This is followed by the continual and immediate inspiration of the Holy Spirit maintaining the life of Christ in us. Last, it is the continual longing of the heart expressed in prayer, and a continual love of Him that burns like the lamps in the tabernacle. 

What a God we have who continually showers us with his love, grace, mercy and peace. He never tires of our neediness but actually encourages us to bombard his throne with our petitions and pleas. Great is his faithfulness. I remember when our children were little and needy, sometimes I would be so tired of the "mommy, mommy, mommy" all day long. But God never gets tired of us. Isn't that awesome?

I'm reminded of a song that Casting Crowns sings which has a section that says: "Joy unspeakable, faith unsinkable, love unstoppable, anything is possible."

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
Songwriters: DANIEL CARSON, MATT MAHER, JESSE REEVES, KRISTIAN STANFILL, CHRISTY NOCKELS