Friday, December 29, was our 44th anniversary. For better or worse, in sickness or in health, for richer or poorer...I think we've experienced it all, but we experienced it together. I've said it many times that Andy was so good to me. He treated me like a queen, he loved me unconditionally and cherished me. He made it easy to love and respect him. I loved being with him...so much so that we worked together at the church for 15 years before he had to "retire" because of his disability. Before that, we were in ministry together, as pastor and wife, then as lay ministers in the church when he had a secular job. Over the years, I've had some women tell me they could never work with their husbands, it just wouldn't go well. But I never felt that way...I could have been with Andy 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it.
 

When Andy and I were singing our duets, we were occasionally asked to sing at weddings. The song that became our personal theme song was Cherish the Treasure. Steve Green and his wife recorded it but I used to tell Andy that I liked his voice better than Steve's. No offense, Steve!

Cherish the Treasure, Steve Green
I cherish the treasure
The treasure of you
Lifelong companion
I give myself to you
God has enabled me
To walk with you faithfully
And cherish the treasure
The treasure of you

As I obey the Spirit's voice
And seek to do His will
I then can see the wisdom of His plan
For as He works His will in me
I then can love you selflessly
And by His grace, can pledge my love
To you

 This sacred vow I make to you
Does not contain an "if"
Though I'm aware that trials lie ahead
I will love you and pray with you
And through it all, I will stay with you
Our home will be a refuge of
Unconditional love
 Words and Music by Jon Mohr.
Copyright 1988 Birdwing Music/Jonathan Mark Music (admin. By The Sparrow Corp.) All Rights Reserved. International Copyright secured. 

What a gift it is to have a loving husband, a soul mate, one you not only live with, but also enjoy doing life with.

December 29's reading in Spurgeon's Morning and Evening was so appropriate for my situation. He took as his text, 1 Samuel 7:12 - "Till now the LORD has helped us."

He has such a way with words and says it so much better than I could, so I will quote him.

"The phrase 'till now' is like a hand pointing in the direction of the past. Twenty years or seventy, and still 'till now the LORD has helped us.' Through poverty, through wealth, through sickness, through health, at home, abroad, on the land, on the sea, in honor, in dishonor, in perplexity, in joy, in trial, in triumph, in prayer, in temptation, 'till now the LORD has helped us.' We delight to look down a long avenue of trees. It is delightful to gaze from end to end of the long vista, a sort of verdant temple, with its branching pillars and its arches of leaves. In the same way look down the long aisles of your years at the green branches of mercy overhead and the strong pillars of loving-kindness and faithfulness that support your joys. Are there no birds singing in those branches? Surely there must be many, and they all sing of mercy received 'till now.'

But the words also point forward. For when a man reaches a certain point and writes 'till now,' he is not yet at the end; he still has a distance to go. More trials, more joys; more temptations, more triumphs; more prayers, more answers; more toils, more strength; more fights, more victories; and then he faces sickness, old age, disease, death. Is it over then? No! Then there is wakening in Jesus' likeness, thrones, harps, songs, psalms, white raiment, the face of Jesus, the company of saints, the glory of God, the fullness of eternity, the infinity of bliss...When read in light of heaven, how glorious and marvelous a prospect will the 'till now' provide for your grateful eye!"

On Christmas Day, rather than being at home by myself, I took the trip to be with Amy's family. We ate together, then opened presents, before taking a drive over to see their new house. I got the grand tour. They have 3 acres with a huge house and a pole barn. Ricky's mom will be moving in with them. I know they'll enjoy this new place.

On Friday, Christy and her kids came down. They stopped at Care One to do a musical program for Andy and any of the residents who wanted to listen. Asher, Naomi and Aiden all played several piano pieces, then Grace played her violin. Christy accompanied her on one song, then she played several by herself. She is amazingly good. It's a pleasure to listen to all of them.

We got more snow...a good reason to stay indoors all day Saturday. I was happy that I felt pretty good with energy and motivation to get some extra work done. With only me in the house, it doesn't get very dirty. So my weekly cleaning usually only consists of quick wipes here and there. With time on my hands yesterday and my German cleanliness conscience prodding me, I did some scrubbing on my hands and knees. Thankfully, at my age, I can still get down there and back up again. I suppose one of these days, I'll have to invest in one of those swiffer mops...but not yet.

My Christmas present from the Lindsays was a ticket to see Stomp in concert at the Merriam Theater in Philadelphia. So that was an experience this afternoon; first of all, driving into Philadelphia by myself, finding a parking lot (the first one I drove into was full and I was directed to another one), then walking in the frigid cold to the theater. The temperature was 18 degrees! Brrr. Believe it or not, I did it - all by myself.

I had never heard of Stomp before Christy told me she was buying me a ticket to their concert. The program described Stomp as a "unique combination of percussion, movement and visual comedy, created in Brighton, UK." The show involves the performers using ordinary street objects like garbage cans and lids, shopping carts, brooms, etc. to make music and an entertaining program. It really was enjoyable. There was comedy included in some of the numbers that added to the fun. 

We were on the very last row in the nosebleed seats but we saw and heard everything perfectly.

The walk back to the parking garage was not any warmer than before. Christian had mercy on his family and myself, and we ducked into a Wawa for some hot chocolate.

So it was a pretty full and busy week...different than the routine with Christmas and New Year's Eve. And what is my goal for the new year? I'm not making any resolutions but I do hope my aim in life continues to be to put Jesus first, to "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14; and that I will never cease to grow in my love for God, to trust Him more, to surrender to His will. Those are pretty lofty goals, and I don't pretend that I'll be able to reach them in my own strength. But "The one who calls [me] is faithful and He will do it." (1 Thessalonians 5:3)

In looking back I can see evidence of how He has been faithfully providing for me in every way "till now," and with that kind of track record, I'm sure He will continue to shower me with His mercy and grace into this new year.

Happy New Year - 2018!

 

Every year I read through the Bible at least once and about this time, December, when I get to the minor prophets, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the sin of the Israelites. God pleads with them to return to him. He reminds them of his kindness to them and promises judgment if they don't repent and leave their wickedness. I can't help but wonder how they can stray so far from Him. He's always so faithful and loving toward them, His children. They've been eyewitnesses to His miracles in providing for them, fighting their battles, speaking to them by angels and prophets. But they still reject Him, preferring to run after false gods. 

Then I am reminded that I do the same thing. I, too, forget the kindness and faithfulness of God. But the difference in our new covenant era, is that my sin and forgetfulness are  covered under the blood of Jesus...not to be brought up and held against me. 

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

Colossians 1:22 -  "But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation..."

But even in the Old Testament, God was showing His kindness to His children, as wayward as they were. He speaks through Hosea: "I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them." (Hosea 11:4) 

And what about Psalm 103:8-13 ~ "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever; He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him..."

Such an amazing truth...

Even when I lack the faith to believe, even when I am discouraged, even when I make bad decisions, even when I worry, even when I whatever...God's grace is available. He does not accuse me, but prays for me and enables me to persevere.

In Saturday's reading in Morning and Evening, Spurgeon explains Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me." 

He says: "The call of the Christian faith is the gentle word, 'Come.' ...the Gospel draws with cords of love. Jesus is the Good Shepherd going before His sheep, bidding them follow Him, and leading them forward with the sweet word, 'Come.' The law repels; the Gospel attracts. The law shows the distance that exists between God and man; the Gospel  bridges that awful chasm and brings the sinner across it." 

He continues to explain that the word "come" is a welcoming, encouraging word. Picture a mother encouraging her toddler to walk toward her. She opens her arms to the baby, saying, "Come to mommy, come on, you can do it..." This is a beautiful picture of Jesus encouraging us in our walk with him in this life. In fact, when He tells us to come to him in Matthew 11, He is actually telling those of us who are weary and burdened to come to Him. And when we do, He promises to give us rest. 

And we can echo Peter's statement of faith, "Where else can we go, for You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68)

Earlier in the week, I was dealing with some insecurity. I was wondering what I was: am I a widow, well not really. I'm alone, by myself, but not really. But the Lord whispered his peace to me, and I'm really ok with this in-between stage. This is my life right now...unsettled, back and forth between home and Andy. But as C.S. Lewis says, "It is what it is, and that's the end of the matter." (Mere Christianity) In my mind there's really a little more to it than that. Yes, it is what it is, and I can't change that. But I also want to believe that this is the life ordained for me since before time began. And if this is what God planned for me, then He has the whole thing planned, including the here and now. All I need to do is trust Him. That's all. Sounds simple, but it's not. It's the hardest thing we as people are called to, because we're so prone to wanting to fix things, to make things right. And I think God has wired us this way. He's made us in His image, and we long for things to work out right, to have a happy ending. But some things are beyond our ability. Only God is infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, and sovereignly in control.


God is God and I am not. Besides, I too often tend to forget that this is not about me. It's about God and His glory. Yes, He's using me as part of His story, but ultimately, it's not about me. And that's good. So the challenge is to not let our focus be on ourselves and our situation, but to "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:2-3)


I did not take any pictures this week, so I'm looking back in my archives to some pictures that remind me spring will be coming again. Winter can be depressing with the very short days, most of them gray and cloudy. Colors are drab and lifeless, brown and more brown. Snow is a change of pace with white covering everything, but that doesn't last long before it turns gray, too. So feast your eyes on the colors of spring and summer.

The seasons are a visual reminder of God's faithfulness! 

Summer and winter, springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above.
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All I have needed, Thy hand has provided,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me. 
© 1923. Ren. 1951 Hope Publishing Co., Carol Stream, IL 60188

There hasn't been any change - just more of the same: Andy's not well, I visit him every evening and watch him suffer. It's very distressing. 

How do I cope? I run to the Lord and look to Him and His Word to soothe my soul. Any time I'm in the car, I listen to K-Love. Most of the songs that are played speak to my heart. The authors of the songs have obviously gone through deep waters themselves because the lyrics they write lead us to God and His care. 

One I heard this past week was Magnify by We are Messengers.  

I've been trying to make sense of the sorrow that I feel
Holding on for life to the only thing that's real

I've only scratched the surface, I've barely had a taste
But just a glimpse draws my heart to change
And one side of You lays my sin to waste
I don't need to see everything
Just more of You

Take it all, take it all away
Magnify no other name
Open up, open up my eyes
To You

My sight is incomplete and I made You look small
I've been staring at my problems for way too long
Realign where my hope is set
Until You're all that's left

But just a glimpse draws my heart to change
And one side of You lays my sin to waste
I don't need to see everything
Just more of you

God, be greater than the worries in my life

Be stronger than the weakness in my mind

Be louder, let your glory come alive.

Be magnified. 

And then in this morning's reading, Spurgeon (in Morning and Evening) was expounding on 1 Peter 1:7, "the tested genuineness of your faith." Peter says our faith is more precious than gold. But faith that is not tested is not really faith.

Spurgeon says: "Untested faith may be true faith, but it is sure to be small faith, and it is likely to remain little as long as it is without trials. Faith never prospers so well as when all things are against her: tempests are her trainers, and bolts of lightning are her illuminators...Tested faith brings experience. You could not have believed your own weakness if you had not been compelled to pass through the rivers; and you would never have known God's strength if you had not been supported in the flood. Faith increases in quality, assurance, and intensity the more it is exercised with tribulation. Faith is precious, and its trial is precious, too."

Another day, I read Deuteronomy 33:27 "Underneath are the everlasting arms." This reminded me of a favorite saying of mine: "There is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still." It's a beautiful thought to comfort us that no matter how low we go, God's arms are beneath us, supporting and carrying us. And those arms of His do not grow tired or weary, (Isaiah 40:28).

A favorite verse of Andy's was: Psalm 62:11-12 ~ "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." 

Both those attributes of God we've heard since we were babies:

Jesus loves me, this I know

For the Bible tells me so,

Little ones to Him belong.

We are weak, but He is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me... 

As I was driving over to see Andy tonight, I couldn't help but think that I was getting kind of used to being on my own. Then I struggled not to feel guilty for enjoying the company of friends this afternoon, or that I was actually having good times in spite of his suffering. I have to bring every thought captive and continue to remind myself what is true. I know Andy would want me to enjoy my life. He would not want me to feel guilty or always be sad. In fact, one evening this past week when he was in extreme suffering, I teared up in his presence. He immediately, even as bad as he was feeling himself, asked me what was wrong. When I told him I hated to see him suffer, he tried to console and comfort me. 

A couple of evenings ago, when I took the mail over to Andy's mom and day, they were looking intently out their window. They called me over to look with them...the yard was full of deer. 

My picture shows only a few of them. I had to laugh because that very day, Ricky was off hunting. When I showed him the picture of all these deer in my yard, he said he had been hunting all day and hadn't seen even one deer! Oh, the irony!

Through it all, I pray that the experiences I am going through will not be wasted, that God will be magnified in how I deal with the disappointments and heartaches that he allows, that I will be able to see the goodness of his hand in every moment of every day. But this can only happen because of His dwelling in me. "For apart from me, you can do nothing," Jesus said in John 15:5. 

I need Him - this is too much for little me.

It was a quiet week...I really don't have anything new to report. Things are somewhat status quo with Andy. He's tired...and tired of shaking. Tonight he told me he wanted to quit the pain. I wish I could fix that for him but in reality, I'm helpless in that regard. 

In the Sunday school class I've been attending, we have been studying Hebrews. What a comfort to know our Savior faced weakness and suffering just as we do. He understands our weakness and sympathizes with us. This gives us confidence to approach the throne of grace boldly so that we may find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

Jeremy Camp sings a song that I love: He Knows.


All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

[Chorus:]
He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

[Chorus]

Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He knows
Publishing: © 2014 Capitol CMG Genesis / Stolen Pride Music (ASCAP) (Admin. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) / CentricSongs / 2 Hour Songs (SESAC) (Admin. at Music Services) Writer(s): Jeremy Camp and Seth Mosley


It is a great comfort to know that He knows and understands. He weeps with us when we weep and He rejoices with us in our good times. 

Have I ever had the shadow of a reason to doubt the Father's goodness? Hasn't his lovingkindness been marvelous? Has He ever once failed to justify my trust? God has never left me at any time. I have had dark nights, but the star of love has shone out amid the blackness; I have been in tough battles, but over my head He has held high the shield of my defense. I have gone through many trials but never to my detriment, always to my advantage. The conclusion from past experiences is that He who has been with me in six troubles will not forsake me in the seventh. (Adapted from Morning and Evening by Charles Haddon Spurgeon)

In spite of the difficulty of what I'm going through, God is good - always.

This a beautiful time of year and I'm grateful for the opportunity I had on Tuesday to hike with a friend. We went to the Brendan T. Byrne state forest, parking at the ranger station, then hiking three miles to Pakim Pond. I love this hike through the Pine Barrens, through mostly red pines and oak trees, but there's one section that has many Atlantic white cedar trees. 

Pakim Pond was absolutely stunning reflecting the brilliant blue of the sky. After hiking to the pond, we had to hike another 3 miles back to the car. It was perfect weather for a walk in the woods: not too hot, not too cold.

On Saturday, I drove up to spend the afternoon and evening with Christy and her family. She was busy in the kitchen all afternoon, cooking and baking. The kids and I kept her company, but we played games while she worked. Claire cracks me up. Even as young as she is, she is a smart little card shark. I don't know how she does it, but she easily beats me most of the time - and it's not like I'm letting her win. 

So life isn't all hard things. Yes, I ache for Andy and what he is going through. I'm tired of the overwhelming and all-consuming nature of his illness. But that isn't all there is. God gives me fun and fulfilling moments with friends, family and Himself. 

How good is the God we adore. 

Psalm 94:17-19 ~ "Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

As much as I enjoy hiking, I try not to do too much of it in the summer because of the heat and humidity, as well as the bugs. But this week, a friend was in town and since we both enjoy hiking and the NJ Pine Barrens, we put it on our schedule. We started out early enough and went over to Black Run Preserve since she had never been there. We hiked the 5K trail at a pretty good pace (but not jogging, of course!). By the time we ended, it was pretty humid and oppressive, and we were thankful to get in my car and turn on the AC.

Since I don't do a lot of summer hiking, it was a treat to see the ponds all covered with water lilies.

The rest of the week was pretty routine, which was welcome after the last several weeks of scheduled trips and activities. I went over to see Andy every evening as usual. He had been talking again to me, as well as to a couple of staff members at Care One, that he was ready to "go." At one point, he told me that "this dying is difficult." I couldn't agree with him more. But then I began to wonder if he was getting another UTI. It seems that when he doesn't feel well, he talks about dying. 

At his last urologist appointment, the Dr. had prescribed an antibiotic. I wondered if he was still on it or if he had finished the prescription. So I asked the nurse that question. I was surprised to find that he wasn't on anything and hadn't been since his doctor visit. The nurse called the doctor but since it was Saturday, she only got the emergency answering service. 

I'm trying not to get frustrated, upset and annoyed about this but continue to trust God in every little detail. But I'm going to have to make some calls tomorrow to try to figure this out. Meanwhile, the urologist ordered Andy to get an ultrasound of his kidneys, bladder, urethra. That was already done and the results showed an inflammation on one of his kidneys. The Dr. also wants him to get an MRI done, and we have an appointment for that on Wednesday of this coming week. I will take him in my car. I would appreciate prayers from anyone who is led to pray about this. Andy has always hated MRI's - he is extremely claustrophobic in tight places. I don't know how he will handle it this time. 

The activities director at Care One gave me a book to read earlier in the week, Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. He is a surgeon who has become interested in end of life care and asks a lot of questions regarding the way we (especially Americans and the more civilized western countries) handle being mortal. He says that we spend thousands of dollars to add a few more months or sometimes years, going through all kinds of tests, procedures, surgeries, experimental medications, etc...anything to prolong our lives. In the end, we all will die. 

It made me do a lot of thinking. How should I proceed in my care of Andy? He is suffering, no doubt about it. He tells me any time I ask him how he feels: he feels awful. In my opinion, I'd rather concentrate on easing that suffering, making him comfortable and not trying to prolong his life. The reality is: he has a degenerative disease. He'll never get better.


This all led to feeling pretty inadequate because what does that mean? I am clueless. I'm not good at making decisions, and even when I do make one, I almost always second guess myself. In my opinion, Andy is not doing well. On the other hand, he is still ambulatory. Some of the other residents in the facility use a walker and some are in wheelchairs.

Thankfully, the Spirit of God who indwells me reminded me that I am not on my own. He is my Husband and has this all under control. He knows the end from the beginning. His plans are to give me a future and a hope, not to harm me. I am accepted in the Beloved, He loves me with an everlasting love, His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness. My worth does not depend on me and what I do anyway, it all depends on Jesus and His work on the cross on my behalf. It's true that I am unworthy, but I am clothed in Jesus' righteousness. 

It's good to remember what God says about me:

Romans 8:1 - "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

Colossians 1:22 - "But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation."

2 Corinthians 5:21 - "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

God has also promised to give wisdom when we ask him for it and to always be with us. He is on this journey with me; yes, even through the valley of the shadow of death.

I had so many good conversations with friends this morning at church. How I thank God for the people he's placed in my life to encourage, hug, love, support and pray for me.  

I read an amazing entry in Spurgeon's Morning and Evening this week. He expounded on Genesis 1:5: "And there was evening and there was morning, the first day."

"The evening was 'darkness,' and the morning was 'light,' and yet the two together are called by the name that is given to the light alone! This is somewhat remarkable but it has an exact analogy in spiritual experience. In every believer there is darkness and light, and yet he is not to be named a sinner because there is sin in him, but he is to be named a saint because he possesses some degree of holiness. This will be a most comforting thought to those who are mourning their infirmities and who ask, 'Can I be a child of God while there is so much darkness in me?' Yes; like the 'day,' you do not take your name from evening, but from the morning; and you are spoken of in the Word of God as if you were even now perfectly holy, as you will be soon. You are called the child of light, even though there is darkness in you still. You are named after what is the predominating quality in the sight of God, which will one day be the only principal remaining. Notice that the evening comes first. Naturally we are darkness first in order of time, and the gloom is often first in our mournful apprehension, driving us to cry out in deep humiliation, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner.' The place of the morning is second; it dawns when grace overcomes nature. It is a blessed maxim of John Bunyan, 'That which is last, lasts forever.' That which is first yields in due season to the last; but nothing comes after the last. So though you are naturally darkness, once you become light in the Lord, there is no evening to follow; 'your sun shall no more go down.' The first day in this life is an evening and a morning; but the second day, when we shall be with God forever, shall be a day with no evening, but one, sacred, high, eternal noon."


This is our hope, there is coming a day with no more night. The evening with its darkness and gloom will be gone forever, and we will enjoy eternity in the light of our Lord.

Revelation 21:22-25: "I did not see a temple in the city, because the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp. The nations will walk by its light and the kings of the earth will bring their splendor into it. On no day will its gates ever be shut, for there will be no night there."

Andy is not the only one who forgets. I need constant reminders of the Lord's unfailing and abiding love, grace, mercy and kindness to me. 

On Tuesday's Morning and Evening devotional by Spurgeon, I was so moved by the words he used to convey God's amazing love for us. I'm writing it here as a reminder to myself of how good God is - always, even when I struggle with grief, sad times and difficult experiences.

Spurgeon based his thoughts on 1 Timothy 6:17: "God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy."

"Our Lord Jesus is always giving and does not for a single moment withdraw His hand...He is an ever-shining sun; He is manna in unfailing supply; He is a rock in the desert, sending constant streams of life from His pierced side; the rain of His grace is always falling; the King can never die, so His grace can never fail. Every day we pluck His fruit, and every day His branches bend down to our hand with a fresh supply of mercy. There are seven feast days in His weeks, and as many banquets in His years. Who has ever returned from His door unblessed? Who has ever risen from His table unsatisfied? His mercies are new every morning and fresh every evening. Who can calculate the number of His benefits or value the extent of His provision? Every passing day we are the beneficiaries of a myriad of mercies. The wings of our hours are covered with the silver of His kindness and with the yellow gold of His favor. The countless stars serve as the standard bearers of incalculable blessings. Who can measure the benefits that He bestows on His servant or recount the extent of His mercies toward His own? How shall my soul extol Him who loads us with daily benefits, and who crowns us with loving-kindness? O that my praise could be as endless as His provision."

"You are good and what You do is good? Psalm 119:68

"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as You always do to those who love Your name." Psalm 119:132 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all -- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

God gives us no room for doubt - He loves us and wants our best. 

Dawn and I went to visit Andy again on Tuesday. He was in good spirits and enjoyed the children. 

The rest of the week was a mix of watering the flowers in the evening because of the unseasonable heat and several meetings with friends. The gardens are full of color right now and so beautiful. I can't get enough of them.

I've been listening to two songs in particular this week, both express a resolve to trust God no matter what we're going through.

Even If
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able 

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Songwriters: Bart Marshall Millard / Benjamin Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Arthur Garcia / Tim Timmons

Even If lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Music Services, Inc

Trust in You

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Truth is You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You I will trust in You

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

Songwriters: Lauren Daigle / Michael Farren / Paul Mabury

Trust in You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Capitol Christian Music Group

"A short stay on earth will make heaven more heavenly. Nothing makes rest so enjoyable as work; nothing renders security so pleasant as exposure to danger. The bitter cups of earth will give a relish to the new wine that sparkles in the golden bowls of heaven. Our battered armor and scarred countenances will render more glorious our victory above, when we are welcomed to the seats of those who have overcome the world. We would not have full baptism of suffering among men, and we must be baptized with the same if we would share His kingdom. Fellowship with Christ is so honorable that the sorest sorrow is a light price by which to procure it."
(Morning and Evening, by Charles Haddon Spurgeon, May 6th evening reading)

These are high and lofty thoughts to dwell on and good reminders. Yes, earthly sorrows make heaven seem so much more attractive. To think that some day our struggles with sin and sickness and sorrow will be a distant memory. Because of the promise of heaven, we have hope to press on and joy in the journey (because of Jesus, not our circumstances).

But even as we hope for an end to our troubles, Spurgeon reminds us that "the wish to escape trouble is a selfish one. Rather let your longing be to glorify God by your life down here as long as He pleases, even though you live in the midst of toil and conflict and suffering."
(Morning and Evening, by Charles Haddon Spurgeon, May 2nd morning reading)

It's difficult to not become weary in the routine of my life right now. In many ways, it seems like I'm in limbo, in a "no-man's land." But I need to rest in those circumstances and allow God to do his work in my heart, even when, or especially when, I see no end in sight.

Andy continues much the same: one day he seems pretty good (relatively speaking, of course), the next day, he doesn't. Some days his health seems pretty fragile, other days, not so bad. Well, I need to be thankful that we are in a time of relative peace - no emergencies or issues that require extreme measures.

I met Dawn on Tuesday so we could visit Andy together. She gets to see her dad and I help her with all the kids. 

I love how the kids really love their Poppop. Isn't Cole's hand on Andy's knee cute?Andy really enjoys the children coming to visit him. And I'm so glad they can.

Dawn has a favorite dinner that I always make for her birthday but for some reason, I missed this year. When I realized it, I invited her to come over on Wednesday evening, and I would make it for her. Tommy says he hates seafood, plus he was not going to be home for dinner on Wednesday evening, so it was perfect timing.

In my mind there is nothing special about Tuna Ring, but she loves it...so I make it for her. 

One of my Christmas presents this past year from Christy and her family was a promise to help me with any project I wanted done. I was so blessed that they came down yesterday and mulched all my gardens. I ordered 6 yards of mulch - a veritable mountain!

Her kids are getting older and are hard, willing workers. I was so proud of them, they worked for hours without complaining. I wonder if they have sore muscles today. I sure do!

 

Last year I spent hundreds of dollars for a lawn service to mulch for me. This year, thanks to my daughter, her husband and kids, the cost was just the price of their lunch. I also had the joy of spending time and working with them. It made the day soooo fun. I couldn't help but think that Christy more than made up for all those times she found excuses as a teen to get out of working around the house! 

Even the littlest one brought her work gloves and moved mulch around. But at lunch time, she took the opportunity to hit the dress up clothes box.

What a good feeling to have all that mulching done. Now to buy some annuals and plant them around for some added color.



When I first started designing my gardens, my goal was to plant bushes/perennials that would provide flowers all year. I've accomplished my goal except for the winter. For several years, I bought and planted winter pansies in the fall, which would bloom again in the spring, even if they had been buried under several feet of snow. However, the last year or so, we've had an abundance of bunnies, who I think are the critters that eat the flowers off the pansy plants. So I don't buy them any more...waste of money.
A week ago, my deep purple lilacs were blooming, now the lilac colored ones are in full bloom. They really make the air smell sweet, too. As soon as you walk off the deck, you can smell the beautiful fragrance.

And don't you love that splotch of red among the different shades of green!

"A tested saint, like a well-cut diamond, glitters much in the King's crown. Nothing reflects so much honor on a workman as a protracted and severe trial of his work and his triumphant endurance of the ordeal without giving in or giving up. We are God's workmanship, and He will be glorified by our afflictions. It is for the honor of Jesus that we endure the trial of our faith with sacred joy."
(More of Morning and Evening, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, May 6th evening reading) 

This is my desire, to endure with sacred joy, to run with patience the race that is marked out for me. I am weak and unable, though, apart from the power of Jesus that works in and through me. May I trust Him fully and rest on His amazing grace and unfailing love.

I feel like I'm in a breather...on a plateau...in a level place...solid ground! It may not last long, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm glad for a break from the extremes of emotion and stress.

Andy seems to be holding his own. He is adjusting to being in the memory care facility, even enjoying it at times. The care givers are amazing there. They happily show me pictures of his participation in their activities. 

I love the laugh lines on his face in this picture.

They celebrated Mardi Gras this week. King Andy and his queen! I had to block out the queen's face to put this one on the internet (please excuse my imperfect attempt). 

 
Even in his adjustment, there are still times when he just doesn't feel well. Several times this week, as I spent time with him, he told me he felt awful. He has a hard time explaining symptoms or being specific, but he's appreciative when I bring the nurse in to check him out and take his vital signs. I think it's a relief to him that he is being attended to. It is a relief to me as well, because if he were home, I would be at a loss to know how to answer him.

I continue to spend much time reading when I'm home, enjoying the quiet time. Although, I do read for pleasure, I gain so much more from books that challenge me in my walk with the Lord. I need the encouragement to keep my spirit in the right place: on the Lord and his work in my heart. It's so easy to let myself drift and not be intentional in spending time in the Word and with the Lord.

There are a couple of devotional books I'm reading each day, one of which is Spurgeon's Morning and Evening. Yesterday, both morning and evening readings focused on the grace of God. The morning focused on 2 Corinthians 12:9 where Jesus tells Paul that his "grace is sufficient for you." Spurgeon comments: "The one who would glorify his God must be prepared to meet with many trials. No one can be illustrious before the Lord unless his conflicts are many. If, then, yours is a much-tried path, rejoice in it, because you will be better able to display the all-sufficient grace of God... The God who has been sufficient until now should be trusted to the end."  

And the evening's reading was a commentary on Psalm 36:8: "They feast on the abundance of your house. You give them drink from your rivers of delight." Here's what Spurgeon said about that.

"There is enough for each, enough for all, enough forevermore...Think how much grace one saint requires, so much that nothing but the Infinite could supply him for one day; and yet the Lord spreads His table not for one, but for many saints; not for one day, but for many years; not for many years only, but for generation after generation...Though our necessities are great, yet are we often amazed at the marvelous fullness of grace that God gives us richly to enjoy."

No wonder we sing "Amazing Grace." It never runs out, there is always enough for every moment of every day for every circumstance.