Because of the daily experience of dealing with Andy's Alzheimer's, it's hard to remember just how he "used to be." But God graciously gave me an encounter this week with a friend who knew us for a number of years. After asking how Andy was doing, he went on to remark how impressed he was with how Andy used to "star" in all those yearly Easter plays, memorizing all those lines and all the words to the songs he sang. I agreed that was impressive. That memory led to another one that I related to him. Andy used to like reading his Greek New Testament. He said he did it to keep his mind fresh in the language. I got out that Greek NT to look through it and sure enough, he had many notes in the margins - obvious that he spent time reading and studying the original language.

Impressive, right? It's a difficult language which is why you often hear the phrase: "It's like Greek to me."

The Sunday school class I attend has been doing the "No Guilt Book Club" this summer, where we've been taking turns to review books we've read and can recommend to others. I offered to take a turn which happened to be last Sunday. I reviewed the book, Be Still My Soul, edited by Nancy Guthrie. The book includes 25 authors, a few of whom are John Calvin, Martin Luther, Timothy Keller, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, who write about suffering. I gave a short background on my own situation, then used the book to share how those readings really ministered to me in my own suffering. It's such a blessing to have the examples of these Christian men and women who have gone through suffering through the centuries and have written about it for those of us who come after them. God is good. He knows our needs and is always "there" for us. Actually, he is "here" and "near." And there's nothing like suffering to know how needy and desperate we are and how close he is to the brokenhearted. I was really excited about this opportunity and happy to share some of the things I have learned and experienced through this journey.

Then the rest of the week was difficult. It feels like there have been another couple of steps downward in the progression of Andy's disease. Every night this week, he has sat at dinner with his eyes closed. I have to call his name to give him a bite. He'll open his eyes, take a bite, then close them again. Then the last two nights, as he continues to keep his eyes closed, he chews his food, but doesn't swallow. He chews and chews and chews while I wait to give him his next bite. I think last night he ate about 3 bites out of his whole meal. Tonight was a little better. He chewed and swallowed, finishing almost his whole plate of food. I spoke to the nurse about this, and she thinks he may have had a change in medications because he has been showing some combativeness. That is another disturbing detail.


Amy and her kids came down on Tuesday to visit. They met me at the house and hung out a while before going over to see Andy. Chase walked into the house with a Monopoly game under his arm. Amy explained that he wanted to play it with me. My heart sank. I do not like that game. It usually goes on interminably. But since I try to be a good Grammy (!), I agreed to play with him. Amy played with the two of us, which was kind of her to join me. Well, Chase being the typical competitive male, aggressively bought up the most expensive properties, then proceeded to buy up houses to jack up the price should anyone land on his property. As it turned out, Amy was the first to go bankrupt after landing on his place, and I wasn't far behind. Chase was so happy to have won, but secretly I was happy, too - not only because he was happy, but because that was the end of the game!

Our time with Andy was hard and we didn't stay long, but as we left, Amy gave Andy a hug and clear as day, Andy said: "I love you so, so much."

So there's the ebb and flow of life. I was reading an excerpt from Anne Morrow Lindbergh's, The Gift from the Sea. She was comparing the ebb and flow of the tides to our relationships with people, but I think it also applies to life in general. Life is fluid; sometimes we experience good times with few problems, other times, we struggle to keep our heads above water. She says that each cycle of the tide is valid, each cycle of the wave is valid. We can't change it, "it is what it is." But our acceptance of those changes and willingness to surrender to God's will in those circumstances is what makes the difference.

Another day, I read an excerpt from J.B. Phillips. He was a friend of C.S. Lewis and is known for his contemporary translation of the New Testament. He wrote that as he was translating Ephesians 2:4 where the text says that "God is rich in mercy," he was struck that this phrase was a "positive jewel...Just as we might say that a Texas tycoon is 'rich in oil,' so Paul writes it as a matter of fact that God is 'rich in mercy.' The pagan world was full of fear, and the Christian gospel set out to replace that fear of the gods or the fates, or even life itself, with the love for and trust in God. 'Rich in mercy' was good news to the ancient world and it is good news today."

Mercy is not the only quality that God is rich in. Ephesians 1:7 says that "God lavished the riches of His grace on us with all wisdom and understanding." And Psalm 145:8 says God is "rich in love."

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom." (Psalm 145:3)

Several months ago, I waded through Victor Hugo's Les Miserables again. In some sections, he can seem to ramble off into explanations that don't seem necessary. I'm sure they are and they have their place. But honestly, I think when I read it the first time, I did a lot of skipping over anything that wasn't very exciting. But this time, I purposed to read every word. I'm glad I did because he is a talented writer. There is pleasure in participating in others' creativity: the music of Mozart, a gourmet meal, and certain authors' way with words. 

 

For instance, Hugo described a cloudy sky as: "heavy clouds filled the horizon with their melancholy folds." I love that: "melancholy folds." Can't you just see the gray clouds piling up on top of each other? In one of the sections in his book, Hugo went into a discussion of old age. He described the four corners of old age as being: decrepitude, decay, ruin and sadness. Sounds depressing and not very hopeful.

But that is not taking into account the gospel.

This week I pulled God is the Gospel by John Piper off the shelf. I love Piper's writing because he beautifully points us to a God centeredness when our culture is so focused on self. In chapter 6, Piper refers to our walk with the Lord as being transformed from glory to glory, but this is not true for our physical bodies in this age. He says, "the experience of all Christians in this life is progressive aging and weakening and failing health and death." I identified with this degeneration because I am witnessing it first hand with Andy's health.

I am a little surprised by people's response if I mention that I'm getting older. The idea is often pooh-poohed. Oh no, not you! Well, I might have many more years to live, but I also might not. And I'm certainly not young any more! But that's ok with me. Piper points out that "Paul is very clear that this is part of the godly Christian experience as we "wait...for...the redemption of our bodies." "Not only creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies" (Romans 8:23). Then he goes on to add that this "outward decay is simultaneous with inward renewal from glory to glory as we fix our gaze on the glory of Christ." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

But the good news of the gospel is that even though our bodies are wearing out, that is not the end. Because God gave himself to us by sending Jesus to die for our sins and win us to himself, death is not the end. Jesus conquered death and because he lives, we will too. 

Piper contends that God is the greatest gift of the gospel in and above all other gifts. He quotes Jonathan Edwards who says: "He is the highest good, the sum of all that good which Christ purchased. God is the inheritance of the saints; he is the portion of their soul. God is their wealth and treasure, their food, their life, their dwelling place, their ornament and diadem, and their everlasting honor and glory." 

We will spend eternity being dazzled by God's beauty and glory. Psalm 16:11 ~ "In Your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." And David says in Psalm 27:4 ~ "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple."

I love to think about our future life with our Lord in heaven, when we'll be free from the heartaches of this life and enjoying more happiness than we can ever imagine here. But while we are still here, there is also much to enjoy in this life. Piper makes the point that just as God promises that "all things" work for the good of those who love God, so He will also, along with Jesus, graciously give us "all things." (Romans 8:28 & 32) "All things" means all things, in this life as well as in the life to come. We enjoy the saving gifts of the gospel: predestination, incarnation, justification, reconciliation, consummation, eternal life, etc. 

And in the here and now, this life, I have many things to be thankful for. God has blessed me abundantly with a loving family, hobbies, books to read, friends who encourage me, cry with me and go to lunch with me, a job, a beautiful home to live in, to name a few.

I've been working on a puzzle the last couple of weeks. I love this particular one because it is a puzzle of a lion, in the shape of a lion, with different African animals arranged on the body of the lion. How creative of the artist to come up with this idea. It wasn't easy with 1,000 pieces and the border pieces were not all obvious. But it was fun to spend a few minutes here and there to work on it and see it come together.

 

I was able to attend a hockey game that Chase was playing in. Their game was fairly close by, still in Pennsylvania but just over the river. His games are usually a lot further away so I was happy to be able to spend some time with the girls and Amy in the bleachers (Ricky stood because he gets too excited to sit still) and watch Chase play his game. It's amazing to watch those kids skate around forwards and backwards...how do they go so fast? While I was sitting with Amy, she mentioned that Joanna had crocheted dresses for her dolls. When I saw the dresses, I was impressed. What detail...even scallops on the hem of the one dress. Joanna is only 9. The doll on the left was her first attempt, but the one on the right is quite good.

After the game, the kids were happy to pose with me.

 

It looks like Chase is taller than I am, but that's only because he has his skates on. He still has a few inches to go, although I don't anticipate it will be much longer.

Yes, life is hard. January is especially hard for me because that is the month we lost our first born. You never get over the death of a loved one...never. But even though life is hard, God is so good. He reveals himself to those who hurt. He watches over and sustains the widow (Psalm 146:9). "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). 

Suffering helps to intensify our longing for God and the hope we have in Him. We come to experience his grace, mercy, peace and goodness when we are desperate and needy. He is our Rescuer, our Rock, our Strong Tower, our All in All. 

So the good news of the gospel is God Himself. He gave us His son, Jesus Christ, who is the image of God. We see God in the face of Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:3-6) "The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word." Hebrews 1:3

What makes a good story? I've been mulling this over in my mind and heart all week. I recently began another book by Randy Alcorn, If God is Good. His writings are so deep and well thought through, always speaking to me at the heart level. The sub-title to the book is: "Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil," which is why I was drawn to the book, in addition to liking everything he writes.

In chapter 20 of this book, Mr. Alcorn asks the question: "If you were the author, how would you have written the story?" He devotes the whole chapter to the qualities of making a good story. He himself has written several novels, as well as theological books. He says that in order to make a good story, you need "interesting characters, significant conflict, the thwarting of desires and a satisfying (if not triumphant) resolution." The story must "avoid predictability and its characters have to continuously develop - and the higher the stakes, the better the story."

If this is the case, my story is far from boring! But think about the greatest story of all: God made a perfect world, his creatures sinned against him, there has been conflict for many ages, He sent his Son to pay the price and win his children back to himself, and someday, He will win and triumph over all the evil, pain and suffering. The end will only really be the beginning of the "happy ever after."

The Lord graciously authenticated this message to me...as I was thinking about my story, fitting into God's story, the next song I heard on the radio was My Story by Big Daddy Weave. 

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
 Writer(s): Jason Ingram, Michael Weaver

Mr. Alcorn continues in his chapter that "the greatest character virtues we know would never appear in a story without evil and suffering." If we didn't experience evil and suffering, we would not know the goodness, love, grace, compassion, gentleness, kindness and mercy of God. If everything was always sunshine and roses, we wouldn't see our desperate need and recognize or experience God's all-sufficiency. 

Mr. Alcorn says he doesn't ask the characters in his novels for permission to let them suffer and face evil because, as the author, he knows the best ending for the story. And if God is writing my story, doesn't that mean that He, as the author, knows the best ending for my story?

These were good thoughts for me to ponder this week because I had a couple of tough days. I didn't get much sleep on Wednesday night going into Thursday, which consequently led to being on the emotional side. I was at work when I got a call from Care One from the speech therapist to talk to me about Andy. She said he was missing his family and was wondering if I could, on some of my visits, spend some of my visiting time face-timing with the girls, so that Andy could see them. I appreciate her concern and attempts at helping him connect with his family. I also understand that he often feels lonely being there without us. However, it was not good timing for me. I initially felt overwhelmed, like this was one more thing I was responsible for. 

As I was processing this and on the verge of tears, God sent someone to minister to me. She came into the office, took one look at me and knew I needed to talk. She understood that I don't have that partner to talk things over with and she let me spew! Then she reminded me that Andy doesn't remember how often I do go to visit him. He doesn't live in reality. The speech therapist is trying to be helpful and is just throwing out ideas. I don't need to feel obligated to do everything she suggests. It was so kind of the Lord to send her to me at just the right time.

On Friday, I met Amy and her kids at the house at noon. I fed them lunch, then we went over to see Andy. We found his mom and dad already there visiting with him. He hadn't seen Amy and the kids for a while, and he seemed happy that we were all there.

  
Yes, Andy has two shirts on...which is why I usually only leave one in his room at a time. But since I wasn't planning to visit him on Saturday because of Chase being with me, I left two changes of clothes for him. 

One of the things my grandkids love to do as they get older is to measure themselves by me. Since I'm so short, it doesn't take long until they are eye to eye, then getting lots taller. As you can see, Chase is not there yet, but it won't be long. He is only 10 pounds lighter than I am.

After our visit with Andy, Amy went on to Dawn's and picked up Kira to spend an overnight with Joanna and Katy, while I took Chase home with me. I fixed sloppy joes for our dinner and boy, can he eat! No wonder he is getting so big so fast. His birthday is Tuesday and he will be 11. As we ate our dinner and enjoyed conversation, I was so impressed with how knowledgeable he is on a variety of subjects, but especially nature.

After dinner, we worked in the kitchen together making a strawberry "pie." So that it provides a bigger dish than a pie, I make a shortbread crust and bake it in a 13" x 9" pan. It was a pleasure having help in the kitchen.

After dessert was made, we did the usual watch a movie and eat ice cream before heading off to bed. 

I am amused by what a boy Chase is. He forgot to pack a toothbrush, so I told him I had extras. When I offered him one, he said, "nahhh." (ha, ha). Also, that nice blue shirt he's wearing in the pictures? He also wore it to bed Friday night and all day Saturday! He said he hadn't packed a shirt.

Saturday was a dreary, cloudy day, threatening rain. I considered staying in the house, but was so hoping to get a hike in, that I finally said, "Oh, let's just go and take our chances." I had sprayed Chase's jeans and sneakers the night before with potent bug killer (mine had already been done). I have been hoping that I can take each kid who comes over to Rancocas State Park for a hike. Chase was game, so we went on over. It didn't rain on us, and we saw some interesting things: lots of empty turtle shells, even an immature turtle and a peregrine falcon. Chase saw a couple of wild turkeys on our drive over.

As much as I like that hike, the mosquitoes and humidity yesterday made it almost unbearable. I had sprayed our jeans but neglected our skin and upper body. Big mistake! Those mosquitoes were relentless. I was walking pretty fast, thinking that the faster I walked, they wouldn't be as likely to alight on me. But in walking so fast, I was leaving Chase behind. When I questioned him on that, he said he had a stitch in his side from walking so fast. Oops! I should have sung him that song: "Go Granny, go, Granny, go, Granny, go!"

I believe Chase was genuinely happy to be here with me. He was able to set up all his army men, even leaving them up overnight without them being "messed up by the girls."

All too soon, it was time to take him back home, but how good of the Lord to give me this little window of pleasure.

Today was a different story again. I sat in church all by myself up near the front. There was no one near me, and I got to thinking about how much I missed Andy sitting next to me. He was always reaching his arm over to hug me or hold my hand as we sang. I thought about leaving the auditorium, but there was too much risk because I was sitting so far up front. It was still pretty obvious if anyone happened to be looking at me that I was crying. I had to get a tissue out to keep the tears from running down my cheeks. I just couldn't get it together for the rest of the song time, partly because the words of the songs were so meaningful, as well as missing Andy beside me.

I think I need to have a better plan for where I sit in church. I have always preferred to sit as far front as possible because of fewer distractions. But perhaps I should beg a friend to sit with me.

I do not grieve like those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Even though there are many fun and happy moments, life is also filled with difficulties. But this is my story, and I hope that no matter how much suffering and conflict fills my life, that:

You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

Yes, I can't talk about my story without bringing Jesus into it. Christ is enough for me. He is all I need, every moment of every day.

A Ray of Sunshine!

After the emotional trauma of Andy's illness last week, this week was a lot more enjoyable.  Amy came down Monday afternoon with her kiddos, visited a little before taking off and leaving Chase with us for an overnight stay.

His birthday was the 20th and he is now 9 years old. How time flies. What a treasure he is and we had a very good time loving on him. He is such an interesting little boy. He loves playing army with his little soldier men. He and Andy did some shooting at a target they made.

  
He also is quite a talker and carries on a good conversation including many details. So he was a little ray of sunshine in our week. 

We watched some videos, had barbeque chicken pizza for dinner with ice cream for dessert. We slept upstairs in the attic room, but first we had to read Uncle Remus stories before turning out the light.

On Tuesday, we watched another couple of movies, then went over to the church and played in the gym for a while. 

After lunch we took him to the USS Battleship New Jersey. We had taken Aiden there several years ago so I knew what to expect. I had a feeling Chase would really enjoy exploring the ship.

The ship is unbelievably huge as you can see by how dwarfed Chase is in front of these giant guns! 

We had a bit of an adventure. At one point, I looked behind me and didn't see Andy. Chase and I backtracked for a while and couldn't find him. We turned around and did some searching but came up empty. Finally, we turned a corner and met a family who asked if we were looking for a "man." They said he had gone up ahead. I could see him on a lower deck so off we went to catch up with him. I think we had been going too fast, sometimes he lags behind. But it turned out okay. We were still on the ship so there was the likelihood that sooner or later, we'd meet up again. 

From the ship, we drove Chase back home to Lancaster County. We had a wonderful visit with Amy and family, she fed us a delicious dinner that ended with strawberry pie! Yummy!

I felt good the rest of the week. It helped that Andy is feeling well again and back to "normal."

Today is Father's Day. Andy has been a wonderful dad to our own three daughters, and we are grateful they all married well with 3 sons-in-law who are also wonderful dads to their own children.