Grief Journey

Just when you think you're doing pretty well with this grief thing, you spend a week crying, so on the edge. I have to admit to myself that I'm still very fragile. It seems like the  smallest thing can get blown all out of proportion. Things that are really of insignificant consequence send me over the edge.

It was one of those weeks. Thankfully, the Lord ministers to me in these moments with grace and evidence that he is not condemning but carrying me in my grief. I came across an article on Friday written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. He has written a number of books on grief, but this was an article entitled, Recognize You Are Not Crazy. He wrote: "You may feel like you are surviving fairly well one minute and in the depths of despair the next. Sudden changes in mood are a difficult, yet natural, part of your grief journey. Mood changes can be small or very dramatic..."

He says you may feel like you're sailing along feeling pretty good, when out of nowhere comes this overwhelming feeling of grief. He calls this "a griefburst - a sudden, sharp feeling of grief that can cause anxiety and pain. Griefbursts may feel like 'crazybursts,' but they are normal. When and if one strikes, be compassionate with yourself. You have every right to miss the person who has died."

He goes on to differentiate between crying and sobbing. "If you're crying and sobbing a lot, you may feel like you're out of control. Sobbing is like wailing, and it comes from the inner core of your being. It is an expression of the deep, strong emotions within you. These emotions need to get out, and sobbing allows for their release. Cry as long and as hard and as often as you need. Don't try to be strong and brave for yourself or others. Tears have a voice of their own. You will be wise to allow yours to speak to you."

Reading this made me realize the timing of my retirement is right. I've been feeling that it would be nice to have the freedom to spend a day crying. There have been a number of days recently that I've been tearful but needing to suck it up, get ready for work and get out of the house. I think I need to embrace my grief and take the time I need to do it well...whatever that looks like.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with something on my mind. In wondering how everything was going to work out, God reminded me that He controls the universe. He measures the heavens with the breadth of his hand and holds the oceans in the palm of his hand. He is soooooo big and transcendent. At the same time, he sees the minutest detail, even the common sparrow that falls to the ground. Since I am worth many sparrows, do I think he does not notice and care about the things that concern me? He is not only transcendent, he is also immanent. Here with me. God with us! When I reflected on these truths about God, I felt  a peace envelope me and I was able to go back to sleep.

I am currently reading Paul Tripp's New Morning Mercies every morning. That morning's reading emphasized the faithfulness of God.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9 ~ "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." That reminded me further of the verse in 2 Timothy 2:13 that even "if we are faithless, He will  remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." I'm so glad it doesn't depend on my measly faith. Even when my faith falters, He remains faithful, because that is His character.

As a further treat yesterday morning, when I opened my blinds to greet the day, I saw this amazing sunrise.

And then wonder of wonders, Chris Tomlin's Song, Nobody Loves Me Like You came on the radio...so appropriate in the moment.

Morning, I see You in the sunrise every morning
It's like a picture that You've painted for me
A love letter in the sky

 

Story, I could've had a really different story
But You came down from heaven to restore me
Forever saved my life

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

 

Mountains, You're breaking down the weight of all my mountains
Even when it feels like I'm surrounded
You never leave my side, oh oh oh 

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

Songwriters: Scott Cash / Ed Cash

Nobody Loves Me Like You lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

I couldn't believe the beauty and was just able to get my shoes on, step out on the front porch and snap a picture. And that quickly, in the next minute, all the red was gone and the moment was over. What a treat and blessing from the God who loves me. 

In spite of the red morning, that usually indicates bad weather coming, it was a lovely day: cold but bright sun and no wind. A perfect recipe for a hike in the woods. My friend took me to a hike I had never done before, Blueberry Hill, and we had a wonderful time enjoying the gravel pit and woods.We got in about 3 miles, walking in the woods, then wandering around down in the sand pit.

Then we had a surprise when we found all these little icicles "growing" up out of the soil. Don't ask me to explain this phenomenon, just enjoy!

 

 

Isn't God amazing and creative! These amazing moments make the grief journey more bearable.

Loneliness - it hit me on Tuesday like the proverbial ton of bricks. I was thinking of some decisions I needed to make and got to thinking how I missed Andy. When you live with someone for over 40 years, you grow accustomed to talking things over. I trusted his judgment and wisdom. He had a way of thinking through all the angles and possibilities, not jumping to quick conclusions. As I was thinking about this, I realized how lonely this journey is and couldn't hold back the tears. I sat on the floor by my bed, held a tissue on my eyes and let those tears come. They just wouldn't stop. I don't know that I have cried that hard since the beginning of this ordeal. 

Even in the midst of my crying, though, I sensed the Lord's presence. I begged him to give me direction. Should I do something, anything? Or should I keep waiting? And he gave me an answer. I got the impression that he was leading me to make two phone calls. Someone told me once that I was a worker bee. Yes, that is how I'm wired...give me a list and let me start checking things off. It gives me purpose and a sense of accomplishment - and things are going to be ok!

I made those calls after I calmed down a little. Both calls were satisfactory and encouraging, so I felt that the Lord was with me, not only sympathizing with me in my grief and loneliness, but also giving me the direction I so desperately needed. 

Through the rest of the week, God sent his "people with skin on" to comfort and support me. I had lunch with a friend on Tuesday, lunch and a movie with another friend on Saturday. There were also encounters with others the rest of the week, including meeting Dawn at Starbucks on Thursday night.

Another nor'easter came through, beginning Tuesday afternoon and lasting into Wednesday. I didn't go to work on Wednesday. In a way, I was glad because I was recovering from the crying fest of the day before. I don't know what a hangover feels like, but I'm guessing it's something like what I felt: headache, exhausted, sore eyes. 

I thought Tommy might come over at some point to clear my driveway, so I decided to make a batch of cookies. When I had them made, I took a picture and sent it to him.

 He wrote back: "Yyyyeeeeesssss"

And he did come over to do the snow blowing. He does such a nice job, thorough and careful. I really appreciate his care of me during snow storms.

He brought Kira and Kasey with him. I thought we would have Grammy and girl time together, but unbeknownst to their parents, they had both brought ipads along. They plopped down in my cozy chairs and proceeded to enjoy their entertainment. So I had my dinner and was content that they were here with me, even if only in body!

I worked on Thursday, but took a vacation day on Friday because I was having some work done on my house and needed to be here. 

I thought it was comical that the big snow we got this week actually fell on the first day of spring. It gave everybody something to talk about. We've had a lot of snow this winter but the good point to snow in the spring is that it won't last long. And only a couple of days later, it's nearly gone except for the mountains in the parking lots or on the ends of driveways. But at this rate, they'll soon be gone, too. 

I took the picture below on Thursday and by Friday, all that snow was gone.

Out of the blue, this morning I received a text from a friend who had visited Andy last night. Here is what he texted me.

I got an opportunity to see Andy last night. Even in his infirmity, he still was pleasant, gracious and smiling. In his infirmity I see the fruit of the Holy Spirit in Him. I believe he had just laid down a little after 8 pm.

I reminisced with him, showed him pictures of the sailboat we sailed, and reminded him of good times I had with him. He was one of a few of my best friends at FBC. I told him that. We read some scripture together. We laughed together. You married a good and sweet, gentle and humble man. I told him I still considered him as my pastor and that he ministered to me effectively while at FBC and he was used by the Lord to lead me to want to remove any other idols in my life from before the Father.

I told him he was a good man, an honorable Christian man, a good husband and father and friend (the best), that encouraged my heart the way he lived. You married a good man Phyllis. I am praying for you and your family and Andy right now.
I love you all.
I'm thankful to have known him. It is not the years of life, but the life in those years that I am thankful for...
Sincerely, in Christ,

How kind of the Lord to encourage me in this way. 

Every morning, I usually wake up long before the alarm goes off. As I lie there, He reminds me that "His compassions are new every morning and great is His faithfulness (Lamentations 3:23). My tendency is to wonder how I'm going to make ends meet financially, but the other day I was reminded that in all the times Andy changed jobs, we never missed a paycheck. He went right from one job to the next, no waiting for months, wondering how we would make it. When we left college and moved to Portland, Oregon, I got an amazing job and he got several to help pay for seminary and our bills. When he graduated from seminary and we moved back to NJ, he again found an immediate job. Then we moved back west for his Associate Pastor job in Washington. Six years later, we moved back east. He called a former boss and was told he could come back to that job. He worked for a number of years in secular jobs, learning and growing in his knowledge of skills that were useful to his job as Associate Pastor at our current church. Even in so many job changes and moves, God provided in incredible ways. I know that someday I will look back at what I'm going through now and be able to see how God continued to provide. 

But for now, because I can't see the future, I need to trust Him. This is a life of faith we are called to live and this is what pleases him. My faith is weak and I need him to provide even that - which He does. Even our faith is a gift from God. (Ephesians 2:8)

Another way the Lord encourages me is through humor. As I was thinking about my loneliness, I remember a song my mother liked to sing when I was a kid. If we were having a bad attitude, this song would always lighten the mood. I wondered if I could find it on the internet and I did. Here are the words and you can click on the link and listen to it if you are so inclined.

I'm a Lonely Little Petunia in an Onion Patch
Of all the saddest words 
That I have ever heard 
The saddest is the story 
Told me by a bird 
He had spent about an hour 
Chatting with a flower 
and here ís the tale the flower told 

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch
and all I do is cry all day 

Boo hoo, boo hoo

The air is so strong it takes my breath away
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
oh won't you come and play with me

Who put me in this bed?
I'll bet his face is red
I call him down with every teardrop that I shed
If I only had him here
I'd take him by the ear
And make him share my misery

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,  
and all I do is cry all day

Boo hoo, boo hoo

The air is so strong it takes my breath away

(Feee-you!)

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, 
oh won't you come and play with me?

Well, I don't need onions to make me cry. And I also don't cry all day. As sad as life can be, there is much to be thankful for. God is bigger than our problems. He cares for us. He provides for us in ways we see and in ways we don't see. 

"Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate." (Os Guinness in Be Still My Soul, page 38)

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1).

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

If we're so tough, where do we go? Actually I think my modus operandi is more like the song Plumb sings: How many times have I cried out, "God please take this"? I am anything but tough.

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
 

Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Songwriters: Christina Wells / Luke Sheets / Tiffany Lee, Need You Now lyrics © DO Write Music LLC, Mike Curb Music

Andy had a good day last week where we were able to enjoy being together. He asked me about church. So I told him everyone who was on staff, including the three interns. After I finished the list, he was quiet, then teared up. He said, "tell everyone I love them." Oh, how touching. But then the next thing out of his mouth was: "So have you been doing any preaching lately?" Uh, no!

Then the next two nights were awful. His tremors were significant and they were distressing him. While I was there the one night, his doctor came in. I was so glad I was there, because when the doctor asked Andy how he was doing, he said "ok." I was able to talk to the doctor, questioning him on whether all the meds Andy is taking are really necessary, since they eventually lose their effectiveness. Also, one or two of them are highly potent, and do they really do what they're intended to do. I found out that to increase the meds to control his tremors cause the side effects of dizziness and low blood pressure. Several times Andy has complained of dizziness, even falling on several occasions because of extremely low blood pressure. So there's a trade off - either we do better at controlling the tremors which leads to low blood pressure and possible falls or we live with the tremors. This is very difficult to explain to Andy, though.

Christy's Claire had a birthday on Tuesday - her 6th. She wanted a bowling party and invited me to join the family and two of her friends. I didn't bowl, but sat and watched and talked to Christy. We all had a good time. Claire is quite stylish in her "bowling outfit."

And you'll never guess what kind of cake she had! E-claire cake!

You'd have to be blind not to see that Claire loves pink and frills. So she was pretty happy with the gift I gave her.

A couple of evenings were spent with Dawn and her family. Monday night she came to Care One Harmony Village while I was visiting Andy. The kids really like to go there. The ice cream parlor is a hit, but they also like writing on the white board in Andy's room.

Another evening, I stopped at Starbucks and took Dawn's favorite drink to her house where we sat and chatted and played with the kids. 

I think hanging around all those kids during the week compromised my immune system. I thought I was coming down with a cold so I started sucking on Cold Eeze losenges and going to bed with Nyquil. I woke Saturday morning feeling so slow, like I'd been drugged (like I'd taken Nyquil - ha, ha). There were things I had to get done, but I just didn't have the energy. I did a lot of resting and working in slow motion, and I did get most of my list accomplished. Then all of a sudden, I felt good right around dinner time. (The Nyquil must have worn off!)

For a while, I've been missing the privilege of hosting gatherings at our house. Andy and I felt very strongly that God gave us this house, and we wanted to use it for Him and His purposes. So over the years, we hosted many different Bible study groups and meetings, as well as having the room for our own family as we grew.

Then the Lord provided me with an opportunity to host a birthday party for a friend from church. It was special how all the details came together and pointed to my hosting the party at our house. Granted, I wouldn't have Andy to help me bring tables and chairs up from the basement, but there would be others who could help.

As it turned out, it was a beautiful afternoon in every way. Our house was full of laughter, friends and good food.

 

 

We had 8 adults and 11 children - a table and house full! It was a special blessing from the Lord that as we ate and talked together, many of those who were here mentioned how they had met "Pastor Andy" and how much he meant to them. My heart was full and I am grateful for the Lord's goodness to me.

As we go into Thanksgiving week, it is fitting to praise God for Who He is and what He has done. 

Psalm 33:1-5, 20-22
"Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him. 
Praise the LORD with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song; play skillfully and shout for joy.
for the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love...
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Up and down, up and down...living at extremes

Dawn met me at Care One on Monday evening with the kids. We had the usual ice cream in the ice cream parlor, then went back to Andy's room with him. He was more alert that he usually is and he obviously enjoyed the children. 

But the rest of the week, he was in distress. The tremors really bother him. I don't think he's in pain, but the constant uncontrollable shaking is hard to ignore and causes him anxiety. 

The nurse told me that his medications have been changed which may take his body a couple of days to get accustomed to the new regimen. I think the doctors are trying to ease his tremors, but at this point, nothing seems to be working.

On Friday evening when I arrived, Andy was already eating his dinner. I took over for the care giver. He would open his mouth as the fork came to his mouth, but he was practically catatonic and unresponsive otherwise. When he finally finished the meal, I helped him back to his room. He was shaking so violently and was in such distress that I promised him I would find the nurse. When the nurse came in, she advised him to lie on the bed on his left side. When he did so, his right hand stopped shaking. I got a wet washcloth to put on his forehead because his room was hot. He lay quietly for about 10 minutes, then sat up and seemed perfectly normal. It was the strangest thing. Did the medicine finally kick in? What made the difference between the violent shaking and catatonic state to the feeling better enough to sit up and engage with his surroundings? It's so puzzling.

I've also had some stressful situations at home with Andy's mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year or so after Andy was. She is still home, living in the in-law apartment attached to our house. I am not very involved in caring for her, but she does live in my house. She has always enjoyed doing laundry, but recently, it has become almost an obsession or fixation for her. I have noticed her doing laundry nearly every day. And when I do my own laundry, she thinks its hers so she goes into the laundry room and pushes buttons or takes clothes out of the washer or dryer when it's not even hers. I have to watch her constantly. 

In the last week or two, she's been "washing" items that shred apart in the washer and dryer, making a huge mess for either Dad or myself to clean up. On Monday when I got home from work, I walked into the laundry room to find Dad with the vacuum cleaner trying to vacuum out lint from the dryer. There was already a large pile of lint on the dryer that he had been able to get out. He suggested I call someone to come clean out the dryer vent because there was so much lint, he was afraid it would cause a fire and be a danger.

Well, this caused me so much stress. I felt that the best solution was to put a lock on the laundry room door to keep her out. But would that be kind because it was one thing she loved to do. But it wouldn't be kind to let her continue to destroy the appliances.So I did not sleep all night, just thinking about all of this. What is the solution? I remember thinking in the middle of the night: "I quit. This is all too hard." 

But the next morning, reality hit. I can't quit. This is a new day - the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The night seemed so dark and the hours ticked by so slowly, but the morning brought hope and even joy because his mercies are new every morning.

Then I read about Julian of Norwich in a book we have on our shelf, Devotional Classics. She lived from 1343 - 1413 and had a deep desire to know and love God. She wrote: "I wanted to experience every kind of pain, bodily and spiritual, which I would have if I were to die - every fear and temptation. I intended this because I wanted to be purged by God's mercy and afterwards live more to his glory because of that sickness."

I was in awe. She actually wanted to suffer. But the purpose of that suffering was so she could share in Christ's sufferings and know God better. It's obvious she did enjoy a beautiful relationship with her Lord because she also writes: "We are so preciously loved by God that we cannot even comprehend it. No created being can ever know how much and how sweetly and tenderly God loves them. It is only with the help of his grace that we are able to persevere in spiritual contemplation with endless wonder at his high, surpassing, immeasurable love which our Lord in his goodness has for us."

Everyone suffers in some way. None of us would chose how we would "like" to suffer. I don't suffer with an unbelieving husband or with wayward children or life in a country halfway around the world being persecuted for my faith. My suffering is mine, and I believe God doesn't waste experiences. He can use what we are going through to show his might, power and love as he enables us to endure, praise him in the storm and grow in our love for him. He also lovingly opens our eyes to reveal our hearts to us...how self-centered, impatient, prone to want the easy way out, etc. In fact, the seed of every sin is in my own heart. He shows us our hearts so that we can repent and realize we need his help to live a life that pleases him.

When my eyes are open to it, I have much to be thankful for. This past week, a friend came over to help me adjust the timers on my lights. While he was here, he changed a couple bulbs that had burned out and were too high in my cathedral ceilings for me to take care of. I also received a card from someone who had gone to our church years ago. She told me she had been to Care One with her job and was surprised to see Andy there. She met with him and shared a verse with him that she had read that morning in her private devotional time. This meant a lot to me. She not only helped Andy, but also took the time to write me a note to tell me about her time with him.

Yesterday I drove up to see Amy and her family. I just hung out with them, reading books to the kids, watching their "exploits," doing errands with Amy, just being with them. Katy the youngest is taking gymnastic lessons which is perfect for her. She has so much energy and was eager to perform for me. She was proud of herself being able to jump rope on the trampoline. She kept on, over and over. If I had one tenth of her energy, I could get a lot done!

And here's a lovely handstand on the trampoline. I don't think I could ever in my life do a headstand, let alone a handstand. She is very agile and talented.

 What a fun time I had with the family. 

The week also provided an opportunity to have lunch with a friend on Tuesday. She is going through a hard time, and we were able to encourage one another with the Scriptures and reminders of the goodness of God.

At church today I enjoyed numerous conversations with friends and even met a few new people. After church I joined several others at a Thai restaurant, grateful for the chance to be with fellow believers on a day that usually feels long.

Another excerpt from Devotional Classics written by Soren Kierkegaard, was so encouraging to me this week. He wrote a prayer to God: "You who are unchangeable, whom nothing changes! You who are unchangeable in love, precisely for our welfare, not submitting to any change: may we too will our welfare, submitting ourselves to the discipline of Your unchangeableness, so that we may in unconditional obedience find our rest and remain at rest in Your unchangeableness. You are not like us; if we are to preserve only some degree of constancy, we must not permit ourselves too much to be moved, nor by too many things. You on the contrary are moved, and moved in infinite love, by all things. Even that which we human beings call an insignificant trifle, and pass by unmoved, the need of a sparrow, even this moves You; and what we so often scarcely notice, a human sigh, this moves You, You who are unchangeable! You who in infinite love do submit to be moved, may this our prayer also move You to add Your blessing, in order that there may be brought about such a change in us who pray as to bring us into conformity with Your unchangeable will, You who are unchangeable."

What a beautiful concept: God is unchangeable, but is moved by our sighs. We are worth much more than the sparrow and He keeps track of our tears. 

Psalm 56:8 ~ "Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll— are they not in your record?"

Psalm 126:5 ~ "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy."

Sorrow may come in the night, but joy comes with the morning. Great is His faithfulness.

Another year older...yes, I had a birthday this past week. I'm not one to tell how old I am, but as my aunt often says: "another year older is better than the alternative." Truly, life is a gift and I'm grateful.

I received this beautiful bouquet on Monday from a group of friends. It brought joy to my heart all week as I looked at it on my desk and smelled the delightful fragrance of the blossoms. I also got cards and fb well wishes from my friends and family. I felt loved - another gift I'm grateful for.

Speaking of life...I had an appointment at a funeral parlor on Tuesday to begin discussions about funeral arrangements for Andy and me. I confess that after I left, I was feeling a bit low. Although I know we're all terminal, it can be disconcerting to think about and actually plan your funeral. I was also not happy about how much it was going to cost. I've been advised that it's prudent to pay your funeral expenses now to help in the spend down of your assets to qualify you for Medi-caid. 

Thinking of writing a check for thousands of dollars got me on the worry track again. But God is so good and is helping me to realize where my mind is going. He brought me back on track before I spent too many empty moments on future scenarios. I was reading Proverbs 2 and 3 on Wednesday morning when I came to the verses that the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and discernment (Proverbs 2:6). I asked the Lord right then and there for that wisdom and to lead me in the right direction when it comes to spending money. After all, it's His money, not mine or Andy's. It is given to us to be stewards of, and I do want to be a good steward of his money and not spend it foolishly or needlessly.

Then later in chapter 3, I read these verses (25, 26): "Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared." 

Have no fear! This was such a comfort to me...the Lord will be my confidence (not how much money I have left over)!

I read some amazing portions in my devotional reading this week. I'm continuing to read Spurgeon's Morning and Evening every day. I also read all of Nancy Guthrie's Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow this week.

 

Here are some gems I wrote down from this week's reading:

"Our disappointments reveal that we don't value the eternal promises of God as much as we want him to fix what we see as our most significant problems. We think that our physical life is of ultimate importance. We have a hard time grasping the significance and reality of the life to come." (Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 37)

"Trials make room for consolation. We are 'happiest' in our trials because then we have the closest dealings with God." "Out of the depths, I cry to you, O Lord" (Psalm 130:1). (Morning and Evening)

"Our prayers tend to be inconsistent, self-centered and energized more by a desire to get what we want from God than to enter into what He wants. But there is One who prays for us whose prayers are never insincere and misguided. His prayers are earnest to the core. He is the only truly righteous person who ever lived. So certainly the earnest prayers of this righteous person have great power and produce wonderful results." (Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 62)

"He who made no mistakes in balancing the clouds and meting out the heavens, commits no errors in measuring out the ingredients which compose the medicine of souls." (Spurgeon, quoted in Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 83)

 "When we are weakened by the loss in our lives and Christ's power moves in, making us content when we don't have what we need, joyful in the midst of great sadness, and at rest in the midst of chaos, GOD IS GLORIFIED." (Hearing Jesus Speak...,page 116)

"Contentment is one of the flowers of heaven. It must be cultivated. It will not grow in us by nature. The new nature alone can produce it, and even then we must carefully and watchfully maintain and cultivate the grace that God has sown in us...Am I a diligent pupil in the College of Contentment?" (Spurgeon, Morning and Evening)

Did you notice the recurring theme...contentment? When we take our eyes off Jesus and focus on our circumstances, we will inevitably become disillusioned, despondent and discouraged. 

We are enjoying incredible weather right in the middle of February. And I was able to take advantage of it by hiking with a friend yesterday. We went to Rancocas State Park again - it's one of my favorites. We enjoyed blue water, blue sky and all on the blue blaze trail.

 

We enjoy so many blessings because of being children of God. I heard a song - new to me - by Selah: I Got Saved.

There is a river of gladness
That pours from Emmanuel's veins
This sinner was plunged beneath the flood
And got saved

Since then I walk in forgiveness
All of my guilt was erased
The chains of the past
Are broken at last
I got saved
Oh, I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've received nothing but goodness
I've tested and tasted Your grace
I was so lost
'Til I fell at the cross
And got saved
Oh, I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

The love of God
Gave me His pardon
The love of God
Won't let me stay the same
The love of God
Pulls me up higher
His will is stronger
That's why I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've got Jesus
How could I want more
"I Got Saved" written Jennie Riddle, Corey Voss & @crystalyates for the upcoming Selah 2017 album.

If I've got Jesus...how could I want more? I have all that I need in Him. "I've received nothing but goodness, I've tested and tasted His grace." "I was so lost till I fell at the cross." He lavishes his grace, mercy and love on me continually.

Cleaning Out

Every evening after our dinner, when I'm feeling cold from being in air conditioning all day, I make my way out to check on my gardens and make sure the flowers aren't thirsty.

Sometimes Andy goes out to "help" me but if he does, that's usually an exercise in patience for me. But even in the sadness of his condition, there is a beautiful butterfly on those colorful flowers. This makes my heart smile and praise God for his beauty and goodness.

Last night, though, I was about to go out to do my watering, when I thought I heard thunder. Sure enough, very soon, a storm came through. It rained buckets for quite a length of time. I thought I would try to get pictures of rain with my iphone. They turned out pretty good, don't you think?

Dawn has been encouraging me to do some house purging. So yesterday I spent a couple of hours cleaning out and organizing. I started on my desk drawers. In one of the drawers, I came across all the journals I had written in over the years, with the oldest dating back to when Andy and I were in seminary. It was tempting to read through them, but I was on a mission and ended up packing them away in a safe place - for future generations to read (or throw away - ha). 

The oldest journal was a notebook I wrote in while Andy and I were in seminary in the '70's. On one of the first pages were some notes I must have taken in a class I had attended. There was a note that we all need an EMT - Encourager by Ministering Truth. I love that and I immediately gave thanks for my own personal EMT - a friend who always encourages me by reminding me of what is true. I can feel inadequate and ineffective, but spending time in her presence with her speaking truth to me about the hope we have in the Lord, the great love God has for his children, yes, even me, always lifts me up and helps me refocus.


Cleaning out, purging, getting rid of junk and collected stuff is a good thing. On the one hand, it's easier to just stash things on the shelves in the basement because then at least I don't have to think about what to do with them. You know...out of sight, out of mind. 

But on the other hand, it's so satisfying to think about and determine what is really important and attempt to live simpler. I've often told myself that, in the end, everything is going to burn. So don't put took much importance on anything that can burn or be destroyed. It's also a good idea to hold onto things loosely. Don't put too much stock in them because when they wear out or become damaged, it hurts less. What's most important is our relationships, with our God and Savior and our family and friends. 

This is a good reminder as I throw things away and clean out drawers and cupboards. Well, I accomplished a tiny start to my cleaning out: just my desk, the corner cupboard in the kitchen and another cabinet. I still have Andy's work space, our shed and the whole basement. Ugh!

Andy has been going to the Alzheimer's respite day care every day now for 3 weeks. What a life saver that has been. Andy is enjoying it and so am I. He actually seems more "with it" and engaged. I was starting to think that he doesn't seem as confused as before he started going, but then I remember that the other day, he was opening drawers and obviously looking for something. When I checked on him, his face was all lathered up with shaving cream, and he couldn't find his razor. When I asked him what he was looking for, he couldn't tell me, just mumbled something, so I asked if he needed his razor, and yes, that was it. 

Then again this afternoon, he looked at me and asked where Phyllis was. I told him I was Phyllis, then he said, he thought he would gather up his things and go home. I told him he was home, but I'm not really sure he believed me. 

So realistically, he is not improving. And I don't know why I would think he was. This week he is scheduled for a comprehensive appointment at the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging, which is associated with Rowan University. It's supposed to be a 3 hour test/interview with Andy and myself. The CEO at the Respite Care facility suggested that we might get more answers from them. She said the regular doctor who sees him spends 15 minutes with him every six months and doesn't get a true picture of his condition. Every time we're in his office, he says Andy's symptoms are still mild. And maybe they are, but then again, maybe they aren't. I'm hoping to get a bit more realistic picture of what we're dealing with. 

I've been enjoying a new song my personal EMT shared with me: Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer by Keith & Kristyn Getty

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labor thro' the storm
You have called me to this passage
And I'll follow tho' I'm worn

Chorus
May this journey be a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus guide me thro' the tempest
Keep my spirit staid and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more

Chorus

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at Your throne

So this is my prayer these days: may this journey be a blessing, may I rise on wings of faith; and at the end of my heart's testing, with Your likeness, let me wake.