"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." (Hebrew 13:20-21)

He equips us with everything good for doing his will. Everything! Has anything been omitted? Is there any more I desire? Is there any more equipment I require in order to live to the full for the Lord? The promise says I have everything.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:10) 

"May God Himself, the God of Peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24) 

He calls us to an impossible task - to be holy and blameless - but then He does that very work Himself through us. 

By living His life through me, He enables me to be pleasing in His sight. He also gives me the grace to endure the difficult things I encounter in this life. The amazing reality is that I'm not just "enduring," but experiencing the joy He gives just by knowing Him.

Andy seemed to be doing better by the end of the week, and I thought his infection was under control. But I just got back from visiting him, and he is saying he is feeling lousy again. He finished up his antibiotic yesterday so it must not have killed the bacteria that caused his infection.

I had a meeting with some of the personnel at Care One. I'm very happy with their care. I met more for just talking, having a conversation and getting some counsel for my own peace of mind. I expressed the fact that I was feeling a bit "stretched." After all, I'm still working, taking care of the house and yard, and trying to get over to see Andy every day. They told me I didn't need to feel like I have to be there every day. Andy seems pretty contented at this point, and it doesn't seem to register if I'm there or not. Yes, he still knows who I am and when I'm there, he expresses thanks and appreciation for my being there. But he doesn't sit around and wonder where I am, or seem to notice if I miss a day here and there. 

I was able to fit in a number of fun activities this week. On Wednesday afternoon, I babysat Dawn's kids so she could have a couple of hours to herself. It was a nice day so I got out the bikes and stroller, and we set off for our adventure.

Both girls are really fast on their bikes, although Kasey went a little too fast down a hill and her bike toppled over. Grammy fail!

Thankfully, her teeth were unaffected, and it was just a cut on the lip. I'm sure it still hurt, though. She cried a little, but over all, was very brave. I had to keep Kira from being too dramatic about BLOOD! But we all survived.

On Friday, I met up with Christy and her kids at Morris Arboretum. It was a beautiful day - couldn't have been better. And we love that place. 

My phone said we had walked about 3 miles by the time we were getting ready to leave. And a certain little 5 year old was getting tired. Unfortunately, the stroller had a flat tire so it was impossible for anyone to get a ride in it. So I took pity on her and offered to piggy back her. When she climbed on my back, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get up. But after a few attempts I made it. It turned out to be quite a workout because the going was all up hill!

I was a little surprised that I wasn't displaying any allergy symptoms while walking around so long outdoors, but on the way home, I started sneezing. Then I commenced with the nose blowing. Well, at least it didn't bother me until afterwards.

Yesterday, Saturday morning, I met a friend to do a little hiking. She had never been to the Black Run Preserve, so I took her over there. Fortunately, we started early enough because it got pretty hot and humid by the time we were finished. 

I was feeling a little tired in the morning when I got up, but after a cup of coffee, I perked up. By the end of our hike, though, I was feeling so exhausted, I was wondering if I was getting sick. After I had my lunch, I decided to lie down, and I slept for an hour. I got up, but still felt awful and lay down again. Believe it or not, I slept the rest of the day. I didn't eat anything for supper, called Care One to let them know I wouldn't be coming over and to let Andy know, then went back to bed and slept till this morning. 

I was wondering what in the world was the matter with me, but think it must be allergy related. There is a lot of pollen out there right now, and I was out in nature for two days. 

I've been reading through Randy Alcorn's 50 Days of Heaven. One of the things he mentions that has been such an incredible thought is that God will one day, restore the earth. This earth will one day be redeemed, restored, renewed, reconciled, recovered, regenerated, resurrected....(Lots of re- words) Randy Alcorn says that "God has never given up on his original creation." 

Randy goes on to say, "God has never surrendered his title deed to the earth. He owns it--and he will not relinquish it to his enemies. In fact, Scripture tells us that 'the reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work'. (1 John 3:8)"

All the beauty we enjoy now in and on this earth, will be so much better on the new earth. I really like thinking about that while I'm out in nature. It's especially comforting to think that on the new earth I will not suffer from allergic reactions or tick and mosquito bites. And that really will be Paradise!

I wish I had good news to report, but I'm afraid that's not the case for this post. Andy's UTI came back with a vengeance. He was feeling pretty good last Saturday when the family was all there. Then two of our women friends went to visit him on Monday and reported that their visit with him was very good, with him asking about their husbands and remembering some details about our friendship and things we had done with them. 

I had a pretty good visit with him on Tuesday evening as well. But Wednesday was a different story. His tremors were extreme, and he told me he felt terrible. I checked with the nurse, and she said he had a temperature of 100.9, and they were going to get a urine sample. They did get the sample but the unfortunate detail of uti's is that when they get the sample, they need a few days for the culture to grow the bacteria in order to get the results they need. They did start him on an antibiotic but didn't get the positive results until Saturday morning when they started him on a more aggressive antibiotic. 

Meanwhile, he suffered. He was so confused and pretty much stayed in bed all three days. Last night (Saturday) when I visited, he was in bed. The caregivers brought his dinner in to his room. He could hardly sit up, and I needed help to get him upright. Then he only ate half a sandwich before wanting to lie down again.

I felt so sorry for him, but so helpless to know what to do for him. He "talked" quite a bit, but nothing he said was understandable or made sense.

As I sat beside him, I was reminded that one of the first times he contracted one of these infections was when we lived in Portland, Oregon. He was studying at the seminary and working several jobs to support his family. We had our oldest daughter at the time, who was between 4-6 months old. 

He became so ill, he couldn't leave his bed. He was shaking with chills and had a very high fever. When we finally decided to take him to the doctor, he was so weak he could hardly walk. Then being upright brought on queasiness and nausea. He actually threw up in the doctor's office. The doctor had him admitted to the local hospital, and he was in the ICU for several days before he started to get better.

As I was thinking of this, I couldn't help feeling so grateful that the Lord spared his life at that time. It could have turned out so differently - where I would have been a young widow with a very young child - all alone and so far away from home and family. 

At this point, I'm grateful he is in a facility where he gets professional care 24/7.

In spite of the stress of watching Andy suffer, there were a couple of bright spots in my week. Monday was Aiden's birthday, so I left work an hour early and drove up to help celebrate. He is now 14 years old. He wasn't feeling that well, with a cold, so he decided he wouldn't come back home with me. 

On Friday, Dawn called to ask if I wanted to go with her to Cairn University to attend a concert. It would be the last concert her former voice/music teacher was conducting before retiring. I'm not normally a spontaneous person, but I decided: "Why not?" Besides it would give me a chance to be with just Dawn for a while, and at the same time, we'd get to enjoy some high quality music.

The music was excellent and Dawn enjoyed reconnecting with her teacher and other former students and classmates. One of the songs the chorale sang was a song I've recently been listening to a lot: The Power of the Cross. What a beautiful song, chock full of truth.

"Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

This, the power of the cross:
Christ became sin for us,
Took the blame, bore the wrath:
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face
Bearing the awesome weight of sin;
Every bitter thought,
Every evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.

Now the daylight flees,
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
'Finished!' the victory cry.

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death,
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

This, the power of the cross:
Son of God, slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.
Stuart Townend & Keith Getty Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music (Adm. by CapitolCMGPublishing.com excl. UK & Europe, adm. by Integrity Music, part of the David C Cook family, songs@integritymusic.com) 

Isn't this a wonderful thing to think about: death is crushed to death and life is mine to live; won through Jesus' selfless love.

I finished Shattered Dreams. Although I was tempted to quit before I got halfway through, I'm glad I kept going. I was telling a friend I wasn't very impressed with the book. The author may be a good counselor, and I liked what I had seen of him on the Grief Share video series. The book was touted as a study of the life of Naomi, but he really didn't spend a lot of time with her. And when he did, I wasn't sure of his interpretation. But his later chapters were insightful and helpful. I especially liked chapter 17, "The Three Lessons of Brokenness."

According to Larry Crabb, the author, here are the 3 lessons:

1.  Lesson 1 - "The good news of the gospel is not that God will provide a way to make life easier. The good news of the gospel, for this life, is that He will make our lives better. We will be empowered to draw close to God and to love others well and to do both for one central purpose, to glorify God, to make Him look good to any who watch us live." 

He says that "without trials, only spoiled brats would enter heaven. And that would turn heaven into hell."

2.  Lesson 2 -  "When God seems most absent from us, He is doing His most important work in us."

"Seasons of personal suffering are opportunities for God to do His deepest work." He reminds us to think of the three hours of darkness on the cross, when Jesus screamed in agony, "God, where are you?" God said nothing, but it was during that exact time that God was in the Son reconciling the world to Himself.

3.  Lesson 3 - "It isn't always good to be blessed with the good things of life. Bad times provide an opportunity to know God that blessings can never provide."

He adds in a later paragraph: "Feeling good is not the goal. When we feel bad, we have the opportunity to do battle against the enemy within that keeps us from entering the Presence of God with no greater passion than to glorify Him."   

I also read Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus this week. This was written by a former devout Muslim who sought the truth. He writes elegantly and convincingly about his journey from Islam to Christianity. It was a boost to my faith to read how God led him through his searching and questioning to seek the truth.

Even though I spend a lot of time reading, working, and visiting Andy, I also squeeze in an hour here and there to do my yard work. I love this time of year, even though it doesn't love me. I can spend an hour outside, come in, then spend the next several hours sneezing and blowing my nose (all that nasty pollen). And it seems like the mosquitoes soon find me, as well.  

 
Jesus prayed to His Father in John 17:3 that his disciples would "know You, the only true God and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent." This is His highest dream for us, His children: to be more satisfied with Him than with anyone or anything else.

Larry Crabb says that we "can count on God to patiently remove all the obstacles to our enjoyment of Him. He is committed to our joy, and we can depend on Him to give us enough of a taste of that joy and enough hope that the best is still ahead to keep us going in spite of how much pain continues to plague our hearts." (page 137)

So when the dreams we have entertained are shattered, we turn to God. We are dependent on His dependability, reliant on His reliability. He is the Hope for our hopelessness. He is better than the wildest dream we could think or imagine, and that Dream will come true and never shatter. 

He's alive! He is risen!

My journey this week followed a similar path, on a much smaller scale, Jesus' journey to the cross. The whole week I was reminded of how He suffered such distress and anguish, asking for the cup of suffering to pass by him, but humbly accepting the Father's will for him.

I seemed to be especially sensitive to the grief I was going through. I thought I had been through the worst of it, and it was behind me. But another wave of it came on me this week, maybe triggered because of my physical weakness due the cold I had. Whatever the reason, I was actually thankful for the experience because I was able to identify, even in such a finite way, what Jesus went through on my behalf. 

I was lying in bed on Monday night thinking how lonely I was. There was no one in the bed with me, no one to have a conversation with, no one to reach out and wipe my tears away and hold me to tell me it would be ok.

And then just as God sent his angel to minister to and strengthen Jesus in the Garden (Luke 22:43), so God sent him angels to me. On Tuesday morning when I woke, I saw there was a note from a friend in my email in-bin. She wrote how she was praying for me and our family with the sweetest, kindest words. I was so blessed and encouraged. 

The next day, I met with another friend - another angel - who hugged and encouraged me, as well. She reminded me that God knows that I am dust, it's ok to grieve, and God grieves with me. 

And then as if that was not enough, God led me to purchase a new book: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. 

 

Right in the introduction was such truth, that I needed to hear again. Such precious life giving truth - why am I so prone to forget these beautiful, wonderful truths?

"There's never a moment in all our lives, from the day we trusted Christ till the day we see Him, when God is not longing to bless us. At every moment, in every circumstance, God is doing us good. He never stops. It gives Him too much pleasure. God is not waiting to bless us after our troubles end. He is blessing us right now, in and through those troubles. At this exact moment, He is giving us what He thinks is good."

In spite of the trial I am going through, God has given me eyes to see that I am truly blessed. Because of the cross, I enjoy a relationship with the God of the universe. He has given me a new nature, and I am clothed in the righteousness of Jesus Himself. This is the greatest blessing of all.

Beyond that, He has given me so many other blessings. I was able to enjoy working outside in my gardens this week. The weather is so beautiful and a lot of my bushes and trees are blossoming. (Of course, the weeds are proliferating, as well, but not for long! Let me at 'em!)

 

I was interested to note that there were a few leftover beauty berries from the winter. I'm glad the mockingbirds and non-migrating robins had enough to make it!

Our family was able to be together yesterday to celebrate the Easter weekend. In order to make it less stressful for everyone, we decided to just order pizza. I made two salads and we had ice cream for dessert.

 

The kids had a lot of fun playing outside and the weather was perfect for that. Please observe that it is important to dress appropriately when playing on the swingset!

I told the girls that Andy always lights up when I mention them, and so we all decided to run on over to see him. Grace and Asher played, then some of the others played a piano piece or two. Asher is fearless and loves to play. The bench was a little high for him, but that didn't hinder him. He's amazing for only being 9.

I asked one of the staff to take a family picture. I was a little disappointed in how it turned out - somewhat fuzzy. I'm not sure how that happened. But at least we're all in it. And this is another blessing I enjoy - our family.

This morning I attended our Sunrise service. What a blessing to be reminded of the glorious hope we have because of the resurrection. This world is not all there is...one day, all our troubles will be behind us, we'll live forever in a perfect world with no more sorrow, no more tears, no more sickness and pain and with our blessed Savior forever and ever!

"'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you." (1 Corinthians 15:54b-58a)

So in one sense, we are currently living in our own Good Friday, with sadness, despair, overwhelming disappointment. But Good Friday is not the end...Sunday's coming.

He is risen indeed!

"O Praise The Name (Anástasis)"

I cast my mind to Calvary
Where Jesus bled and died for me.
I see His wounds, His hands, His feet.
My Savior on that cursed tree

His body bound and drenched in tears
They laid Him down in Joseph's tomb.
The entrance sealed by heavy stone
Messiah still and all alone

O praise the name of the Lord our God
O praise His name forever more
For endless days we will sing Your praise
Oh Lord, oh Lord our God

And then on the third at break of dawn,
The Son of heaven rose again.
O trampled death where is your sting?
The angels roar for Christ the King

O praise the name of the Lord our God
O praise His name forever more
 For endless days we will sing Your praise
Oh Lord, oh Lord our God

He shall return in robes of white,
The blazing Son shall pierce the night.
And I will rise among the saints,
My gaze transfixed on Jesus' face

O praise the name of the Lord our God
O praise His name forever more
For endless days we will sing Your praise
Oh Lord, oh Lord our God
Oh Lord, oh Lord our God
Oh Lord, oh Lord our God
 © 2017 CCLI, Inc. All Rights Reserved

I was reading in Spurgeon's Morning and Evening about the women following Jesus on the Via Dolorosa. They were wailing and weeping because of the suffering their beloved Jesus was enduring. I wonder if they really understood, though, that they weren't just weeping because the One they thought was the Messiah was now being led to his death. Did they realize that it was their own sins that was leading their Savior to his death? And vicariously, I was there with them, my own sins causing him to set his face to the cross.

Even though Jesus told his followers numerous times that he was going to die, it doesn't seem like it sank in. Then when he really died, they were so hopeless in their sorrow that they didn't remember that he had said he would rise again. And who can blame them? It really is a fantastic, incredible, wonderful plan thought up in ages past by the Father and willingly carried out by the Son.

No wonder we'll be praising his name forever more. What a great God.

I did not have a good week but came down with a very bad cold. It was so bad that I stayed in bed all day Friday, not getting up to eat, get dressed, take a shower, or doing anything except sleep and blow my nose. (So far, I've used up 2 whole boxes of tissues.) I felt a little better on Saturday but still didn't have much motivation to do anything. I did go to church this morning but confess I feel somewhat guilty, hoping I didn't infect the many people who gave me hugs and shook my hand. This is not something I would wish on anyone.

I did not go to see Andy on Friday evening, although that is the only evening I missed seeing him. Earlier in the week, he had told me he was thinking of getting a group of guys from church together to talk to them about his leaving. I'm not sure what he was talking about, but I probed and asked questions until I figured out that he wanted to go to heaven. My answer to that was that that was in God's hands and for Him to decide when would be the right time. Then he agreed with me. But he was feeling pretty miserable so I told him I would see if the nurse could come check on him. That seems to comfort him and the nurses at Care One are so kind and compassionate. They willingly come to his room, talk to him, ask him questions and show care, and he always feels better for the attention. In fact, he told the nurse this time, "God bless you." She was so sweet and thanked him.

I don't have much to say tonight except that I'm very thankful that God is the same, constant in faithfulness, never fickle and never feels bad. So in spite of the way I feel, I can depend on his care and presence with me.

Matthew 1:23: "They will call him Immanuel - which means 'God with us'."  He is always with me. That is a comforting thought and reality.

It's April! Woo-hoo! At long last, winter is over, even though the air is still a little chilly. But there's hope that warmer weather is on the way. It's inevitable.

"The Romans gave this month the Latin name Aprilis but the derivation of this name is uncertain. The traditional etymology is from the verb aperire, "to open", in allusion to its being the season when trees and flowers begin to "open"... (from Wikipedia).

And the flowers are beginning to open.

Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee, God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee, opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness; drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day!

I don't have much hope for my magnolia tree, though. It was too cold for too long while the buds were on the verge of opening. I'll just have to remember former years when it outdid itself.

I was able to scratch off a whole list of accomplishments yesterday, one of which was doing some yard clean up. One downside of having so many mature trees in our yard is the mess they make. Any little breeze and they drop twigs and branches - all year round. I worked for a couple of hours raking up piles of them.

My neighbor has requested that I give him our sticks, branches and twigs for his fire pit. This actually makes my work a little easier because then I don't have to bag up all those piles. I just place them in the wheelbarrow and dump them on his property. He is happy to start a fire with them and enjoy the great outdoors. Of course, the neighbor kids enjoy the fire, too. I would have liked to have joined them. And maybe I will next time.

The week was another up and downer. Andy was pretty distressed Thursday evening. Several of the residents were arguing loudly right outside his door. I tried to distract him by reading louder, but he couldn't keep from being upset. Then I suggested we walk around in the outer lobby just to get away from the contention. As we walked out his door, one of the residents, a 100 year old lady, yelled at me to stop holding his hand. "He's MY friend," she said. That certainly didn't help matters. I urged Andy to keep moving, and she couldn't follow since she's wheelchair bound. I got him some ice cream which helped to calm him down.

The next two nights I was with him, he was calmer and more subdued. In fact, last night he was so mellow that he fell asleep while I was reading to him. After only a few minutes, I asked him if he was sleeping. He mumbled something unintelligible, so I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He again mumbled indistinctly, so I did leave.

I've been re-reading Glorious Ruin by Tullian Tchividjian this week. 

 
I need continual reminders that this world is not my home, and I shouldn't expect this life to be all fun and games and happy times. If things were always rosy, we wouldn't realize how much we need the Lord. He quotes Steve Brown, from his book, A Scandalous Freedom:

"Pain is not something most people like. That is why we run from it as fast as we can. That is also why we aren't free. Jesus hardly ever goes to those places where we run.

When pain comes (or when we fear that it will come), don't run away. Run to it, and you will find you have run into the arms of Jesus...Then you will laugh and dance in the freedom and the reality of God's sufficiency and the power that becomes awesome in your weakness."

Tchividjian goes on to add:
"It's a paradox. Our point of pain reveals to us our greatest need - our need to be set free from false hopes and to cling to the only hope of the gospel."

With Easter only two weeks away, I've been thinking of Jesus on the Via Dolorosa (the way of suffering). He endured that road without opening his mouth, without any self defense. He did it all out of his love for you and me. 

Peter reminds us in 1 Peter 4:12-13: "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

And then at the end of chapter 4, he tells us: "So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

These verses are timely reminders for me. Recently, I had someone tell me she was praying for Andy's healing. I told her Andy's disease is degenerative, and he will never get better. But she said that didn't matter, she was praying for his healing. I told her that God is the Great Physician, and he certainly can heal if he so chooses, but he might not. It is better for us to love Him no matter what happens, because we can trust Him with our lives. And it's better to pray that we would be satisfied in God and not our circumstances.

She was not convinced, but that's ok. Perhaps I planted seeds. The conversation did disturb me, though, for a couple of days. But it was another opportunity to trust that God is in control whether Andy is doing well or not.

It was timely after this conversation that I was reading Glorious Ruin: 

"Only when we come to the end of ourselves do we come to the beginning of God. This is a common theme in the Bible -- desperation precedes deliverance. Grief precedes glory. The cross precedes the crown. Powerlessness is the beginning of freedom."
 
"We never move beyond our need for Him and His intervention and the beautiful reality of His inexhaustible grace."
 
"God is more concerned with our knowing Him than He is in our half-hearted pleasures of comfort, ambition and success."

"The gospel alone provides us with the foundation to maintain radical joy in remarkable loss."

So let me run into the arms of Jesus for that is the only place I will experience the sufficiency of Christ and the power He provides to deal with my pain.