Andy has seemed to improve in the last week or so. He is talking more lucidly with real words and putting them together in sentences. Yesterday when I visited him, the nurse informed me that he had told her he was waiting for his fiance!

After dinner as Andy and I sat in the lobby at Care One Harmony Village, he told me he didn't think it was right that we should live in separate places since we were married. I tried to explain that I couldn't take care of him, that he needed 24/7 professional care and he was in the best place for that. I don't think he understood that, though.

I also think that lately he has been looking a little more "with it," not so dazed or vacant. Dawn's mother-in-law took this picture two days ago. He looks good to me.
 

As wonderful as this is, it causes me a lot of second guessing as to whether or not he is, in fact, in the right place. It makes me so sad when he tells me he wants to come home. I want him to, too. 

But thankfully, there are enough people in my life to remind me what I was dealing with before he was admitted to the memory care facility. And realistically, this is a degenerative, progressive disease. He may have some improvement now, but it's only temporary. 

All this emotional turmoil in my heart leaves no doubt in my mind to my own neediness. And again and again, God graciously meets that need. He placed many people in my path this morning at church to encourage, hug and care.

As I cried out to Him this morning, He reminded me of how great His love is for His children. The truth of God's love is familiar to us. We've heard it since we were young children. But how often do we need to be reminded of that love. God IS love. "As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for [me]" (Psalm 103:11) Has anyone come to the end of the universe yet? No, in fact, the more scientists explore space, the more they tell us how vast it is. God's love is endless - to infinity and beyond!!!

I was reminded of Psalm 103:4 this week where the Psalmist declares that the LORD "redeems [my] life from the pit and crowns [me] with love and compassion." This is a more valuable crown than one loaded with diamonds and rubies. 




When the Scriptures talk about the love of God, that love is described as "abounding," "rich," and "lavished" upon us.

"You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you." (Psalm 86:5)

 "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." (Psalm 145:8)

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." (Ephesians 1:7-8)

  "He pours out his love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit" (Romans 5:5). 

And what beautiful truths Paul tells us in Romans 8:31-39:
 New International Version (NIV)

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

What comfort to know that nothing can separate us from God's love. He is everywhere present and HE IS LOVE. We can't get away from Him and His love. My circumstances don't determine God's love...His love is faithful, steadfast, sure and constant. That's because His love is not dependent on me and my performance, but on Jesus and His finished work on the cross.

Thank you, dear God, for the love you shower so graciously on me, your child.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been attending a grief support group. This past week's lesson listed four goals for my grief journey. The fourth goal was to establish a new identity. A number of others in the group struggled with that, and I confess I've been thinking about this all week myself.

In my mind, my identity is: I'm Mrs. Wallin, wife of Andy. This is a fact that is part of who I am. I married Andy 43 years ago, and I will never again be a "senorita" or a "miss." But it is also a fact that, in a sense, everything has changed. I no longer relate to Andy the way I did for so many years. I don't have the relationship, companionship, interaction with him, the give and take, the private jokes we enjoyed, the shoulder I cried on, the encouragement he was always so ready to give. Andy was my #1 fan. I never questioned his love for me. These losses are very real to me.

This also applies to our baby boy who was stillborn. I am and always will be the mother of 4 children, although I only raised 3 of them. 

I guess part of establishing a new identity is coming to grips that now I am making decisions on my own. I no longer have a life partner to turn to for wisdom and advice. This is really hard for me to get used to because I came to value Andy's wisdom. He took his time to think through the issues from all angles before making a decision. I often admired that in him because I tend to be a lot quicker and more prone to making snap judgments before having all the facts. 

Andy seems to be doing a little better in the last week or so. I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Did I have him admitted to the care facility too soon? But I've been assured by friends and the care givers at the facility that he is doing better because he is getting 24 hours of professional care. It seems to be a tendency for dementia residents to improve when they are first admitted, before they decline again. When I asked the care givers a couple of days ago if Andy was still getting up and down at night, they answered in the affirmative. Ok, this was a confirmation that, yes, he is in the right place.

We had a couple of conversations in the last few days that made a little sense. He told me at one point, that he felt he was in a good place, that he was getting good care. He also asked me if I was adjusting to being at home by myself. These are amazing things for him to think about and communicate to me. Granted, his sentences weren't necessarily cohesive, but they were lucid enough for me to understand what he meant.

On the other hand, at one point, a couple of days ago, he asked me how I was making out with the electrical classes I was taking??? I told him I wasn't taking any classes, but he kept insisting that either I was or that it would be good for me to follow through. So I finally just nodded and smiled and told him I was doing ok with it. That satisfied him.

We've had a number of rainy days recently. Thankfully, it's been rain and not snow! But Saturday's forecast called for just cloudiness. So I asked Dawn to join me for a hike at Long Bridge Park with the kids. That was a lot of fun for me. Kira and Kasey were having a good time, skipping down the trail. Kira found a map of the park and looked official and like she knew where she was going. 

It was cloudy - gray and gloomy, but that didn't matter. We had a great time.

 

 Kasey eventually got tired but she did really well for most of the hike. Unfortunately for me, the end of the hike was up hill...quite a workout for me with 30 pounds on my back!

A friend gave me a beautiful wall hanging for Christmas. I hung it in my bedroom so that I see it every morning "when I rise." 

Then this past week when I was listening to Pandora at work, I heard a group, Acappella, singing Give me Jesus. I love their version with close harmonies and beautiful verses. So I bought the song from itunes and now I listen to that every morning as I start my day.

"I am the One who helps you, declares the Lord"...Isaiah 41:14

Spurgeon expounds on this verse in Morning and Evening. "It is but a small thing for Me, your God, to help you. Consider what I have done already. What! Not help you? Why, I bought you with My blood. What! Not help you? I have died for you; and if I have done the greater, will I not do the less? Help you! It is the least thing I will ever do for you; I have done more, and will do more....you require little compared with what I am ready to give. It is much for you to need, but it is nothing for me to bestow. Help you? Fear not! 

"Do you need more strength than the omnipotence of the united Trinity? Do you want more wisdom than exists in the Father, more love than displays itself in the Son, or more power than is manifest in the influences of the Spirit?" Bring here your empty pitcher! Surely this well will fill it. Hurry, gather up your wants and bring them here -- your emptiness, your woes, your needs. Behold, this river of God is full for your supply; what else can you desire? Go forth, my soul, in this your might. The Eternal God is your helper!"

"So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid, what can man do to me'?" (Hebrews 13:6)

Mercy outruns malice.

Think about that. Jesus told Peter that Satan had asked to sift him, but Jesus had prayed for him that his faith would not fail. Isn't that a comfort to think that no matter what trials we face, Jesus is praying for us that our faith will not fail? He understands what we're going through, grieves with us and prays that we will not be overwhelmed or give in to despair. Since he is perfect, he is in the perfect position to know how to pray intelligently for us. His desire is for our growth and God's glory.

I'm also encouraged that Satan had to ask permission to sift Peter. So anything that happens to me is only by God's permission. He has a reason for allowing anything to come our way. In Peter's case, he was allowed to be tested in order that he might strengthen his brothers. And he did become quite bold in his proclamation of the gospel.

We don't always know the reason for our own trials except what Scripture tells us. For instance, James 1 says that our trials are for teaching us perseverance. And perseverance develops maturity in us. Even though trials are difficult, who in reality wants to remain a child? We need to grow up in our faith, and there's nothing like an impossible situation to teach us dependence on the One who is stronger than we are. When we are forced to lean not on our own understanding, we realize how beautiful is the grace and mercy of God that enables us to endure.

In my own case, if it hadn't been for the difficult trials I have and am facing, I would tend to live in "la-la land." I wouldn't be able to empathize with others who are going through hard times. My bent tends toward minimizing pain and hardship..."oh, it's not so bad." But dealing with the death of a child and a husband suffering with Alzheimer's - well, how can I minimize those?  At the same time, I realize that as long as we live on this earth, everyone has their own set of issues that are hard to deal with. 

I am so amazed, although I shouldn't be when I consider the kindness of our Lord, at how he responds to me when I am a mess of worry. He sympathizes with my pain and always meets me in my need. My thoughts were beginning to wander to the dark side the other day, grieving because of my new status of virtual singleness and feeling inadequate to this new role; specifically, how am I going to meet all my financial needs. There are sure to be many needs that I don't even foresee, etc. But instead of chastising me for my lack of trust in God meeting my needs, he sent me a reminder that he will in fact take care of me. I was sitting at my desk at work when a dear woman came in and handed me a card, telling me she and her husband were praying for me and wanted to give me a "small" gift. When I opened the card, there were not only encouraging words, but also a check for $1,000. 

What a good God he is to me. I certainly don't deserve such kindness, but I'm grateful. This past Tuesday's verse of the day was 2 Timothy 1:9 - "He has saved us and called us to a holy life -- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time..."

There's comfort in knowing that God had my story planned out even before the creation of the world. And he knows how it's all going to end. It's faulty thinking to suppose I would like to know the ending, that I would be more at peace. Living by faith is pleasing to God. If I knew what was going to happen, I wouldn't need to depend on God. And dependence is what honors and glorifies God. 

I've had some interaction with Dawn and her family this past week. We got a good snow storm last Saturday.

We got a good amount of snow so Tommy came over to clear the driveway for me and brought the girls along. 

Kira stayed outside the whole time helping Tommy with shoveling. Kasey stayed in the house with me. She's very entertaining.

  
I met Dawn on Tuesday morning at Care One to visit Andy. She brought the kids along. Don't you just love Kasey's girly outfit?
 

And yesterday morning, they came over again to help me take down the Christmas tree. Tommy also gave me some suggestions on which of Andy's books he thought would sell well. I'm still working on organizing our books - what a job. But I think I'm getting closer to the finish line on this one. I now have every book catalogued, just need to decide which shelf they'll end up on.  

I have a lot of loose ends to tie up right now. I'm trying to commit my way to the Lord and just do the next thing, but my list is overwhelming. I think I'll be able to start checking things off this week so hopefully, by the end of this next week, I'll be a little bit less stressed.

I keep telling myself I'm "care free in the care of God." That's my new theme song!

I am very much enjoying Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening devotional readings. I was really ministered to this morning by what he wrote.

His text was from 2 Samuel 7:25 where David reminds God to do as he had promised. Spurgeon uses this text to remind us that "God's promises were never meant to be thrown aside as wastepaper; He intended that they should be used. God's gold is not miser's money but is minted to be traded with. Nothing pleases our Lord better than to see His promises put in circulation; He loves to see His children bring them up to Him and say, 'Lord, do as you have said.' We glorify God when we plead His promises."

Spurgeon is often referred to as "the prince of preachers." He was gifted in the way he crafted words and word pictures. He says: "Our heavenly Banker delights to cash His own notes. Never let the promise rust. Draw the word of promise out of its sheath and use it with holy violence."

He encourages his readers that God "loves to hear the loud outcries of needy souls. It is His delight to bestow favors. He is more ready to hear than you are to ask. The sun is not weary of shining, nor the fountain of flowing. It is God's nature to keep His promises; therefore go at once to the throne with, 'Do as You have said'."

So I'm going to arm myself this week with the promise of God's sufficiency for my every need, including His presence, strength and wisdom to accomplish all the items on my overwhelming list.

Andy and I just passed our 43rd anniversary. I posted our wedding picture on facebook, risking crying every time I looked at it. However, I had an ulterior motive for posting it. I determined that I would focus on all the good times we had in our 43 years together. Yes, there were some tearful moments, but I also had lots of good, happy memories I could dwell on.

God gave us a very happy, fulfilled relationship that we shared together. I remember telling him while we were still dating that he was too good to be true. I couldn't have picked out a better, more loving man to share my life with. (I didn't really pick him...Andy saw me first and pursued me - I used to love hearing him tell that story.)

Not every moment was fun or happy, but we made our memories along the way. After our wedding, Andy finished his senior year at college, then we moved out west to Portland, Oregon for him to attend seminary.

Those were some of the hardest years! Andy worked several part time jobs while he attended seminary. I worked full time until two months before the birth of our first child. Then we struggled through the grief of losing that baby. He was still born after being three weeks late. 

Because I had quit my job to have the baby, we were reduced to living on Andy's part time salary. Those were very lean times. We were struggling in so many areas, emotionally and financially. But God gave us the grace to make it through. We learned by experience through God's Word, His people and His indwelling presence how good he is and how he sustains us through difficulty.

After seminary we moved back to NJ while trying to determine what would be our next step. We were in, what we thought was, limbo for 18 months, but Andy was gaining experience in construction while were waiting.

Then we got a call from a former seminary classmate and friend: would Andy consider joining him in the ministry in Richland, Washington? By now we had two little girls so there was a lot to consider in a move of this magnitude. But we felt God's leading so off we went. 

After being in Richland only three years, the senior pastor who asked Andy to join him, suddenly left for another pastorate in another state. Through a series of circumstances, Andy went from Associate Pastor to Senior Pastor. Although we felt honored by the confidence the congregation had in us, the position came with a lot more than what we could have known. 

 
We made and continue to enjoy many wonderful friends from that church. But at the same time we were making wonderful memories, Andy was working through some incredibly difficult counseling situations. Two women with young families attempted suicide. Another woman was being physically abused and when Andy advised her to leave that situation, the man came looking for Andy with a knife, intending harm. Another man wanted help to leave a homosexual relationship. It was overwhelming and Andy felt he couldn't handle all this on his own. At that point, he was the only pastor on staff. So he not only had all this intense counseling, he was also studying and preaching every week. He finally made the decision to leave the ministry. 

When he confided in me his struggle, of course, I supported him, but it was devastating to me. I had wonderful friends and felt so fulfilled in ministry there. I wanted to stay there forever. I certainly didn't want to move back to NJ. But I did feel it was important for our children to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. 

For a year and a half, we had to live with Andy's parents (they were gracious to open their home to us) while we tried to make ends meet. Those were more lean years because we actually had to pay money when we sold our house in Richland. Because of the economy at the time, we had made absolutely no equity in the 5 years we had owned it.

God graciously provided a job for Andy in construction when we returned to Jersey. He was gaining in experience and started doing side jobs to earn extra money for his growing family.

In reading back over what I've just written, I'm not sure I've communicated that we have a lot of "good" memories. But part of what makes our memories good is if we can see the hand of God directing our steps and meeting our needs in whatever our circumstances are. 

This is our story, part of the larger story that is God's. He has been faithful all along the way. There is nothing to complain about or regret. 

One of the evenings this past week when I visited Andy, he looked at me and asked if I would marry him. I told him I would. He seemed so excited and happy. Then I told him we were already married. He couldn't believe it.

People ask me how I'm doing. Well, I think on the whole, I'm doing very well. There is a new way I'm living now. I'm getting used to living by myself, by going out every evening to visit Andy, going to bed by myself, making my own decisions, trying to keep myself busy.

I have felt constrained that I need to have a project. Although I have always enjoyed solitude and quiet, now I have maybe too much of it. So in looking around the house, what can I do? It's not like I need to have deep cleaning projects. How dirty does the house get with just me living here? And if I cook and bake, who is going to eat all that food?

I believe God placed it in my head to organize our books. We have three bookshelves in our house, as well as books in the basement. If I want to find a certain book I think we have, I spend way too much time looking through every book until I find it. So I am making up a spread sheet to list every title with author, genre and location in the house. 

I've made it though all three bookshelves and started on the basement books. So far, I've cataloged over 700 books.This total is after I've already offered a college student his pick of as many books as he wanted and our daughters also went through and helped themselves. I'm debating on whether I should try to sell some of Andy's Bible study helps and commentaries. Some of those he's had from his seminary days. It's a difficult thing for me to think about but I may just have to put my nostalgia aside for practicality. It's probably better to take care of them now that for them to end up in a dumpster when I'm no longer able to make an intelligent decision about them.

I continue to do lots of reading. I'm currently reading through three devotional books every day: The Valley of Vision (Puritan prayers), Daily in His Presence by Andrew Murray and Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon. I'm also reading through the Bible in a year. 

I just finished Slow Dancing with a Stranger by Meryl Comer. I just happened across this title and was intrigued. In checking it out, I discovered that it's the author's experience of caregiving to her husband who had Alzheimer's. She cared for him for 20 years at home. What a story. He had bouts of anger and could be violent and aggressive at times. So her experience is different from mine. It is also different in that she is not writing from a Christian perspective. This is what I miss in all the secular writings, support groups and organizations that offer help. Although I appreciate the compassion and understanding for us in our circumstance, I want more. I need to be reassured that God is aware of what I'm going through and sympathetic to my situation and available to meet my need.

I am well aware that I am weak and needy. I can't do this on my own. It's only by the grace of God giving strength to the weary and increasing the power of the weak that enables me to soar on wings like the eagles. (Isaiah 40:29-31) His grace is sufficient, for his power is made perfect in weakness (and he has a lot of weakness to work with in me!). (2 Corinthians 12:9)

The holidays are over but we had fun while it lasted. God graciously surrounded me with family who helped keep the spirits up. We had our family Christmas gathering yesterday, Saturday, New Year's Eve. We kept the tradition of several years now by having a brunch menu, although this year we ate at noon. We had been wondering if Naomi would be able to be with us since she hadn't been home from the hospital for very long. But she is finally on the mend, thanks to the Great Physician!

The Wallin family invasion began around 11:00 and by the time all three families were here, there were 7 adults and 11 children. I'm so grateful that we can all fit around one loooooong table. And there was plenty of food for all, even enough left overs to provide for nibbling throughout the afternoon.

After eating, it was time for opening our gifts. Someone suggested we go from oldest to youngest. I was so impressed how patient those littlest ones were. They held on to their presents but did not open them until it was their turn.

Claire loves the frilly, sparkly dresses. I found this one for a very good bargain.

And Amy made her the fairy wings which she wore the rest of the day.

After the gifts,the adults hung around and the kids played while Cole took his nap. 

Then we all went over to Care One for another Wallin family invasion. Those poor people probably wondered what in the world was going on when we all started streaming in the doors. But the children were well behaved and we entertained the residents and family members who were in the lobby. Grace played a very difficult piece on her violin ...what a treat. If you would like a sample of how she did, you can click here.

 
 Then the other kids wanted to exhibit, as well.

Andy seemed to enjoy the show and having us all there. I was a little concerned that we might wear him out being there are so many of us. But he loves his family.

Speaking of family, I've been making an effort to get to know some of the other residents and their family members where they visit. It has been striking to me that we're somewhat unusual in that there are so many of us. A couple other families have told me they have one grandchild, another family has none. Two couples I've met whose spouses are residents with memory loss, have told me he has 1 child, she has 2. So apparently, there are blended families, his and hers families. 

God has chosen to bless us with family. And this is a blessing I am extremely grateful for. 

Last week I mentioned that my wallet was "stolen." Two days ago, after I left Care One, I received a call that someone had turned in my wallet to the front desk. So I went back to get it. As it turned out, one of the residents had taken it and her husband found it a couple days later. He turned it in. Actually, having one of the Care One residents take the wallet was the best case scenario since they can't go anywhere to charge purchases. All my cards and cash were intact. Nothing had been touched. Of course, I had already canceled all my credit cards and even gotten a new driver's license because I didn't know what had happened to the wallet. Well, this is a lesson learned: do not assume you can leave your purse in Andy's room unattended. 

A friend from church graciously gave me 7 meals she had prepared. She fixed them ahead for her family, then set aside a single serving for me that she froze. Actually, they are more than a single serving. So far, I've been able to get 2 meals out of each that she's given. How generous and kind of her.

People continue to tell me they're praying for me. I'm very grateful because everyone says the holidays are difficult when there's a change in the family dynamic. December was hard because of getting used to the new routine. Andy is no longer home. And he wasn't with us at our Christmas brunch and gift openings. But maybe this is where it helps to have such a large family. Of course, no one can take his place, but his legacy lives on in his children and grandchildren. I didn't experience the depths of despair or even twinges of guilt. I am so grateful that he is getting good care. 

A couple of nights ago, while I was with Andy, he was finishing up his dinner, when he told the caregiver that he was doing a good job. He chuckled, but I seconded Andy's comment and thanked the young man for taking such good care of Andy. I asked him if he enjoyed his job. And he affirmed that he did. It takes a special gift to care for people who can't care for themselves. I know my gifts don't lie in that area, but I'm thankful for others who do have those gifts.

This is the beginning of a new year. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. Whatever comes our way is what the Sovereign Lord has determined. And those plans are "to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) And that hope has a name: it's Jesus. "Christ in you, the HOPE of glory" (Colossians 1:27).

Christ is Enough
Christ is enough for me

Everything I need is in You
Everything I need

Christ my all in all
The joy of my salvation
And this hope will never fail
Heaven is our home

Songwriters: Jonas Myrin / Reuben Morgan

Christ Is Enough lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group