I wonder which is better: to be busy with family and friends or to stay home and "enjoy" alone time. It doesn't seem to matter because in either scenario, without any warning, I can be on the verge of tears. The thought of spending the rest of my life without Andy is so painful. I wish I could keep from thinking about that...but that's impossible.

I'm trying to keep busy. Last weekend I had Asher over for 2 nights, then took him home on Sunday. It was his birthday on Jan. 31. He turned 11 and it was such a pleasure to have him. He's fun-loving and a good conversationalist. We played 22 games of "greedy" and watched 4 movies, as well as took a very nice long hike at Palmyra Cove Nature Center. It was pretty cold but the sun was shining and we were dressed warm.

I drove Asher back Sunday morning so I went to church with the family, then we celebrated his birthday with a very nice lunch/dinner before I came back home.

And yesterday we celebrated two more birthdays: Cole turned 3 on Feb. 1 and Kasey will be 5 on Feb. 8. Dawn made a Barbie cake that both kids were excited about, yes, even Cole. Probably in another year or so, she'll have to attempt a Super-Hero cake for him.

I'm trying to keep myself centered on Scripture and the love of the Lord for me, His child. I recently subscribed to the Desiring God website, where they send me daily articles. This morning, there was a feature by Vaneetha Risner that ministered to me. The Executive Editor of Desiring God introduced her article with these words:

From psalms and prophecies to epistles, the Bible did not come to people on extended vacations. They were suffering. Life was hard. They were desperate for a word from God.

I’m thankful when God meets me on happy days. But I have found it to be true, time and time again, that the Bible really comes alive when I’m desperate. When I’m hurting. In the worst of times. 

Vaneetha Risner has discovered something similar. “When I opened the Bible [in desperation], I needed God to feed me. . . . The more I had to search, the sweeter the manna tasted, the deeper the words penetrated, and the more precious the truths became.” Perhaps you’ve tasted something similar. Glean from Vaneetha’s story of learning to read the Bible through tears.

Her name sounded familiar to me because I had read a book she had written: The Scars That Have Shaped Me. She writes: "My scars remind me that God is sufficient and that physical perfection is not our goal. A life lived to God's glory is infinitely more valuable...My scars signify healing. And even though my initial flesh wounds have healed, there is yet a deeper healing in acceptance."

She references Michael Card's song, Known by the Scars:

The marks of death that God chose never to erase
The wounds of love's eternal war
When the kingdom comes with its perfected sons
He will be known by the scars.
 Songwriters: Michael Card

Known by the Scars lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Vaneetha reminds us that "God chose not to erase these marks of death -- the wounds of his love for us -- so our Savior will always be known by his scars. Rather than physical imperfections, Jesus's scars are breathtakingly beautiful. They represent his love and our salvation."

I spent a couple of weeks reading The Joy of Fearing God by Jerry Bridges. One of his chapters focused on the "stewardship of pain." This was interesting to think about and I liked his explanation..."If we believe God is sovereignly in control of all circumstances of our lives, then our pain is something He has given to us just as much as our time or talents or treasure. He has entrusted the pain to us as stewards to be used for His glory. How can we be good stewards of the pain God gives us? One way...is to trust Him even though we don't understand the purpose of the pain. Another way is to ask for and experience the sufficiency of His sustaining grace, as Paul did with his thorn in the flesh, to the extent that we can actually rejoice in our weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on us (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). We can then, as God gives opportunity, testify to the sufficiency of His sustaining grace. In doing so, however, we want to seek the glory of His grace, not the glory of our ability to endure."

At first I questioned the phrase that God gives us pain. As I reflected on that, though, the Lord reminded me that when Job was tested, he was not told of the conversation between God and Satan. But he praised God, trusting Him and worshiping Him with these words: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." The God gives a commentary on this statement by adding in the very next verse that "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:21 & 22)

And in the next chapter, after Job's wife counsels him to curse God and die, Job answers her by saying: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" And again, God comments that "in all this, Job did not sin in what he said." (Job 2:10)

People often use suffering as an indictment against God, but in reality, it is our own sin that has cursed our world. Adam and Eve in the Garden chose to disobey, even though God warned them that to do so would result in death. We live with pain and suffering here, but even though it's our, and all of humankind's, fault, He does not leave us in this sorry, pitiful condition."God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

I continue to be amazed at His love for me. I was reading in Isaiah 43 and kept my Bible open all week to this passage so that I could read and ponder it every day.

Isaiah 43:1-5
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God...Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 
and because I love you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Isaiah wrote these words to the Israelites as they were going into captivity, but they apply to us today, as well, because this is the character of God and how He deals with His children.

How good is the God we adore!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas: the most wonderful time of the year...or is it?

I've been struggling with tears and the lump in my throat as I think about these holidays without my dear Andy. Listening to Christmas songs is not necessarily helpful, especially secular Christmas music.  Songs with lyrics like:

"May your days be merry and bright

"Have a holly jolly Christmas...It's the best time of the year"

"Have a happy holiday, everyone dancin' merrily"

references to mistletoe, good times, home for the holidays

"It's the most wonderful time of the year"

Then this morning, I heard Ryan Stevenson singing ThisChristmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve

And nothing's under the tree

But I'm not blue

'Cause I've got you, and baby you've got me

And this holiday

We're gonna be okay

We ain't got much

But baby we've got us, and that's all we need

Ugh...This one was so sad to me. It's not ok because I don't have my "baby." This did bring back memories though, because there were many Christmases where we were too poor to get each other gifts, agreeing to save our money for more of the necessities. The first four years of our marriage were spent in seminary, each of us working several jobs to avoid wracking up student debt.

I found a picture of our tree our first Christmas together.

 

Pretty pathetic, I know, but there's a story to go with it. Andy and a friend got a permit that cost $1 to go into the mountains near Portland and cut down their own tree. It was quite an adventure for the two guys because they had to trudge through deep snow; and the trees were growing on a mountain which made them asymmetrical. But I think Andy did pretty good in the end, and it was a tree to be proud of!

So in one sense, this is not the most wonderful time of the year, because who enjoys sadness and struggling to keep from crying and being reminded of happier past Christmases. But if we keep our focus on the present, we are overcome with despair and depression because there is so much to be sad about. However, in a conversation I had with someone the other day, he encouraged me to remember the reason for the season! It's not necessarily about family traditions, giving and receiving gifts, lots of parties and fun times. If we focus on the real meaning of Christmas, on the past, then yes, it is the most wonderful time of the year. It is the greatest story ever told. It's what gives us hope in the middle of hard times here. The Gift is the Giver! Amazing. He willingly left the safety and splendor of heaven to live with us, to become like us. Because he lived in our world, he understands the heartache and suffering that we endure. 

"He was a Man of Sorrows, familiar with grief." Isaiah 53:3

"Because He Himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

 

I've been reading Ken Gire's book, Moments with the Savior.

 

 

He has a beautiful way of writing about special moments Jesus spent with people in his three years of ministry. I'll give two examples. 

Mary Magdalene had been there when he suffered at the cross; now he is there when she is suffering at the empty tomb on Resurrection Morning. She had stood by him in his darkest hour (at the cross); now he is standing by her in hers. He had seen her tears; now he is there to wipe them away. In the triumph of the resurrection, Jesus could have paraded through the streets of Jerusalem. He could have knocked on Pilate's door. He could have confronted the Pharisees. But the first person our resurrected Lord appears to is a woman without hope. And the first words he speaks are: "Woman, why are you crying?" What a Savior we serve, or rather who serves us. For in his hour of greatest triumph, he doesn't shout his victory from the rooftops. he comes quietly to a woman who grieves...who desperately needs to hear his voice...see his face...and feel his embrace.

Or what about Peter? Can you imagine the guilt Peter felt after he denied his Lord? He must have spent every moment beating himself up, agonizing over his denial of Jesus. But Jesus is gentle and gracious, obviously forgiving Peter when they meet on the shore of the lake. He simply asks Peter: "Do you love me?" He asks three times, once for each denial. Not to rub it in, but to give Peter an opportunity to openly confess his love. Something Peter desperately needs to verbalize. By the third time Jesus asks him, Peter gets the connection, and a flame leaps from that smoldering memory. But Jesus is not there to inflict pain; he is there to relieve it. Jesus had seen his bitter tears when the rooster crowed. That was all he needed to see. That was repentance enough. Peter looks up, longing for the faintest glimmer of forgiveness. And in a language beyond words, in a language of love, it glows from the Savior's eyes. "Feed my sheep, Peter." Jesus' way of saying, "I still believe in you...I still think you're the right man for the job."

And I wrote down in my journal this morning: "Jesus is my friend. No matter how miserably I let him down, He's always there to pick me up. No matter how many times I fail Him, He is always there to forgive me. No matter how far I drift, He is always there, waiting for me to return...waiting with a comforting fire...warm food and a heart full of love."

There is great comfort in these truths. Simeon declared that Jesus was to be the consolation of Israel. (Luke 2:25) God longs to comfort his people who have suffered so much. Yes, a lot of their suffering was because of their willfulness and idolatry. But that doesn't negate God's love and compassion. Through Isaiah, he promises comfort for his people with the coming of the Lord. 

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins." (Isaiah 40:1-2)

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." (Isaiah 51:3)

"I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass..." (Isaiah 51:12)

"The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." (Psalm 145:9)

It's because of the Baby in the manger and the reason he came that this is the most wonderful time of the year. This brings hope to our darkest and loneliest times.

It's been over two months since Andy passed from death to eternal life. I didn't know if I would continue my posting. The best word to describe how I was feeling was: "numb." I appreciate my many friends and family members who are concerned about me. I don't always know what to say when they ask how I'm doing. I've come through deep sorrow and at the same time, have experienced moments of great joy.

The day of the memorial service, Pastor told me I could take off as much time as I needed. So I went to work the next day! I reasoned that it would be better than sitting at home by myself. And it was. But after another couple of days, I knew I had to get away. I was physically exhausted and emotionally fragile.

I called my sister in South Carolina and she immediately and graciously urged me to stay with her for a week. I quickly arranged for the office to be covered while I was gone and bought airline tickets.

We didn't have an agenda except to relax and be together. My sister is gifted in hospitality and loves to spend time in her kitchen. She treated me royally with gourmet food and the gift of just sitting in a comfy chair to read, think and chat with her. We did get in a couple of fun things: a pedicure, a hike in nearby woods and a trip to the Biltmore estate.

Raspberry cheesecake with coconut crust

Lemon curd

The grounds at the Biltmore estate in Ashville, NC, had a beautiful display of Chihuly glass sculptures that we enjoyed.

I had to leave SC earlier than I had planned because Hurricane Florence was on the way. I was able to change my flight out without additional cost and got home safely. The time away was such a gift, a respite sorely needed.

Then the following Sunday at church, I really struggled again. Everything reminded me of Andy: the carpet in the lobby (he oversaw the process of replacing it); the auditorium (he worked with Rich on adding decorative molding); walking by the nursery (he loved working with the kids and oversaw the staffing); and even the worship service (how many years had the two of us led worship?). Everyone seemed glad to see me and were kind to ask me how I was doing, but I couldn't help dissolving in tears and admitting: "not good."

But God in His mercy, provided another get away for me. Three Sundays in a row, I missed going to my own church. Don't get me wrong, I love my church, but a break from the pain of all the memories there was essential.

I have been very busy with family in the last several weeks: meeting with Dawn for coffee and conversation; having grandchildren over for special one-on-one time; spending time with the girls and their families, and going to Maine with my special friend, Ruth.

God continues to minister to me through various avenues. I believe He led me to consider what the purpose of the rest of my life should entail. I love the verse Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10 where he stated that he wanted to know Christ and make him known. Then I received Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word on September 26. He talked about the fear of public speaking that many people experience. He went on to teach that many of us are not called to a public ministry of teaching or preaching, but we are all called to be God's instructors to each other.

He went on to explain:

The Apostle Paul instructs us all, in Colossians 3:16, to “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom.” In this context, Paul is talking about the myriad of everyday-life ministry opportunities that God gives to each of his children.

(This passage is not addressing seminary students or pastors or elders. At the beginning of the chapter, he starts with, “If then you have been raised with Christ…” That's all of us, any Christian, regardless of vocation or location.)

So what do these everyday-life ministry opportunities look like? David shares one in Psalm 51:13: “I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.”

This type of teaching doesn’t require us to lay out a comprehensive theology of grace. Most of us wouldn’t be qualified to do that. Instead, this type of teaching requires us to share our stories of rescue and transformation with others.

This one-on-one, informal ministry is not teaching the person about grace. Rather, I am sharing my experience of grace. People learn, not because I’ve opened the dictionary and given them a lecture, but because I’ve shown them the video of grace in operation in my own life.

What qualifies us to teach in the personal ministry context of everyday life is the grace that we have received in our own moments of need. By being willing to share my own story, I am being a tool of transforming grace in their lives...you will always be called to a life of daily gospel transparency.

So there it is. I have experienced God's lavish grace as I've gone through deep waters. I could not do this in my own strength and in my own power. And if God receives great glory by my display of His grace in my life, then doesn't that make all of this worth it? He alone is worthy. I want to make His name great and glorious.

Psalm 66:2
"Sing the glory of His name; make His praise glorious!"

1 Peter 1:3-7
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade -- kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Psalm 116:15 ~ "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."

May 12, 1951 - August 3, 2018

Several years ago, I memorized Psalm 116. The Psalmist talks about how death is so overwhelming, how he cries out to the Lord for relief and mercy. He encourages himself to rest in the Lord and remember how good God has been to him. Then right in the middle of the psalm, he tells us that it is precious to the Lord when his saints die.

Isn't this a great comfort? Yes, we are very sad in the here and now, but God is delighted to welcome his child "home" to himself. How precious we are to him. 2 Peter 1:11 says, we will receive a "rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." So I can imagine a big party going on as Andy is welcomed into the arms of Jesus.

I had no idea when I posted my update 2 weeks ago that Andy was in his final week of life on earth. I posted that he had his eyes closed the whole week. I spoke to the nurse about this, and she said she would check his record to see if his meds had been changed. I didn't hear from her, so I called her on Monday afternoon. As I was on the phone with her, she told me they had called the ambulance and would be transporting him to the hospital. I was questioning the advisability of that because there are setbacks every time someone with dementia spends time in the hospital. But she assured me that there was something wrong, and they didn't have the ability to diagnose and treat him there. He needed professional care. She said his abdomen was extended so that he looked 5-6 months pregnant. That was causing alarm at his facility because they didn't know what was going on.

I left work immediately and drove to Care One. His ambulance left soon after I arrived, and I drove up to the hospital to be with him. He was assigned to room #13 in the Emergency Room and was already in a bed when I arrived. His eyes were closed (they never opened through that whole week) and he was also pretty agitated. His Parkinson's tremors and twitches were pretty severe. I texted my friend, Pat, about the situation and she joined me in the ER as soon as she could. This was a wonderful gift from the Lord. She is a nurse and very knowledgeable with hospital terms and is also not afraid to be aggressive in seeking help when the situation requires it. She normally has a class she attends on Monday, but that day it had been canceled so she was free to be with me.

The doctor who was on duty was a God-send, so kind and compassionate. Pat asked him if he thought Andy qualified for hospice, and he immediately agreed and said he would send the hospice representative to speak to us and get us registered. A CT scan revealed that Andy's kidneys had failed which is the reason his abdomen was so extended. They immediately began to drain the urine, and his stomach went back to normal size. An unbelievable amount of urine was drained, 3 liters in 4 hours.

As long as this doctor was on duty, things progressed well. Unfortunately, he had to leave, but he was nice enough to give Pat his email address and tell her she could contact him if we needed him. This was a God-send, as well, because as soon as he left, it was like everything shut down. We sat there and sat there, waiting for the next step. I went to the nurse's station, Pat went another time, but each time we were told, they were working on it. Finally, at 9:30, Pat told me to go home since I was so exhausted, and she would stay to make sure Andy was taken care of. I left things in her care. She emailed the doctor and told him what was happening (nothing). He was kind enough to contact the nurses and then things moved. Andy was transferred to the hospice section of the hospital. By midnight he was situated with those kind, compassionate hospice nurses.

The rest of the week was spent in his room by his bed. All three girls came to be with me as often as they could. This was bittersweet because it gave us a lot of time together remembering stories of Andy, laughing and crying together.

Tuesday was pretty rough because Andy's body was twitching and his breathing was raspy. But as the week progressed and morphine and ativan were increased, his body became calmer. We had many visitors throughout the week which was such an encouragement to us. It indicated that people loved Andy and he meant a lot to them.

Throughout the week, the hospice nurses were trying to prepare us for Andy's passing. We were told that people can spend 24/7 at the patient's bedside, then get up to go to the bathroom. In that moment the person might quietly slip away. This can be an indication that the patient thinks this is a way to protect his loved ones. But in my heart, I had asked God to allow me to be present when he left his body. His family always meant so much to him, that I knew he would want us to be there with him at the end. And God granted that request.

On Thursday, after changing Andy's position, the nurse came to get us from the lounge where we had been having a little something to eat. When we went into his room, his color was very gray and it looked like he wasn't breathing. Dawn and I held his hands on either side of the bed, the nurse was there as well - all 3 of us just watching him. All of a sudden, he gave a huge gasp and started breathing again. Well, that gasp made all three of us jump. We weren't expecting that. We commented that he obviously didn't like to be repositioned.

The next day, Friday, the nurse came in the room to say they were going to reposition him again. Christy and Dawn and Andy's brother, Dan, were there with me. Dawn and I were apprehensive about the repositioning, and we watched him carefully. After the nurse was finished, Andy turned gray again and stopped breathing. We asked the nurse about this, she checked his heart, said there was a little bit of a flutter, then left the room. She knew! And he never took another breath. He slipped quietly and peacefully into eternity, into the arms of his beloved Savior. There was no last gasp or death rattle, which I found out later is usually the case with hospice patients because of the morphine.

So Andy's journey was over. All week people have been so kind, willing to do anything, whatever I need. Their comments, cards, flowers and love have been so comforting. I went to work most days and people seemed surprised, but as I explained: the house is quiet and empty, the days are long when I'm there all day by myself. I am much more energized to be with people.

So the question these days is: how am I doing? Well, on the one hand, I'm doing well. There is a certain sense of relief that Andy's suffering is over, my uncertainty over my finances is taken care of. On the other hand, there is a finality to death, even though we knew that's where this illness was heading. In preparing for the funeral, looking through pictures, remembering stories, there have been moments of laughter, as well as tears. Andy and I were a team. We did so much of life together. Yes, I have a lot of memories - all of them good - which is a blessing.

I don't know why God allowed us to go through this particular trial, but I can unreservedly say that He never left me or forsook me through it all. He showed me in many and varied ways that He was orchestrating the circumstances and taking care of me in amazing ways. He proved to me that His grace is indeed sufficient for our every need. I came to know in a more intimate way His unending and unfailing love for me, His child. My suffering helped me to empathize with Jesus' suffering for me. 

I am grateful that Andy isn't suffering any more. His death has been swallowed up by life. God is wiping away his tears, and he will never suffer or experience pain or mourn again.

1 Corinthians 15:54 ~ "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

My daughters have been wonderful, so supportive, in spite of their own suffering. They loved their dad, thought highly of him and will miss him terribly...as will I.

The memorial service will be Monday at 11:00 am. It will be live-streamed, then posted to facebook. I'm so glad this technology is available because we've been hearing from our friends all over the country that they want to be here, but for one reason or another cannot.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. 
He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, You are with me. 
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. 
You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

2 Corinthians 4:16
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building form God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life."

Because of the daily experience of dealing with Andy's Alzheimer's, it's hard to remember just how he "used to be." But God graciously gave me an encounter this week with a friend who knew us for a number of years. After asking how Andy was doing, he went on to remark how impressed he was with how Andy used to "star" in all those yearly Easter plays, memorizing all those lines and all the words to the songs he sang. I agreed that was impressive. That memory led to another one that I related to him. Andy used to like reading his Greek New Testament. He said he did it to keep his mind fresh in the language. I got out that Greek NT to look through it and sure enough, he had many notes in the margins - obvious that he spent time reading and studying the original language.

Impressive, right? It's a difficult language which is why you often hear the phrase: "It's like Greek to me."

The Sunday school class I attend has been doing the "No Guilt Book Club" this summer, where we've been taking turns to review books we've read and can recommend to others. I offered to take a turn which happened to be last Sunday. I reviewed the book, Be Still My Soul, edited by Nancy Guthrie. The book includes 25 authors, a few of whom are John Calvin, Martin Luther, Timothy Keller, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, who write about suffering. I gave a short background on my own situation, then used the book to share how those readings really ministered to me in my own suffering. It's such a blessing to have the examples of these Christian men and women who have gone through suffering through the centuries and have written about it for those of us who come after them. God is good. He knows our needs and is always "there" for us. Actually, he is "here" and "near." And there's nothing like suffering to know how needy and desperate we are and how close he is to the brokenhearted. I was really excited about this opportunity and happy to share some of the things I have learned and experienced through this journey.

Then the rest of the week was difficult. It feels like there have been another couple of steps downward in the progression of Andy's disease. Every night this week, he has sat at dinner with his eyes closed. I have to call his name to give him a bite. He'll open his eyes, take a bite, then close them again. Then the last two nights, as he continues to keep his eyes closed, he chews his food, but doesn't swallow. He chews and chews and chews while I wait to give him his next bite. I think last night he ate about 3 bites out of his whole meal. Tonight was a little better. He chewed and swallowed, finishing almost his whole plate of food. I spoke to the nurse about this, and she thinks he may have had a change in medications because he has been showing some combativeness. That is another disturbing detail.


Amy and her kids came down on Tuesday to visit. They met me at the house and hung out a while before going over to see Andy. Chase walked into the house with a Monopoly game under his arm. Amy explained that he wanted to play it with me. My heart sank. I do not like that game. It usually goes on interminably. But since I try to be a good Grammy (!), I agreed to play with him. Amy played with the two of us, which was kind of her to join me. Well, Chase being the typical competitive male, aggressively bought up the most expensive properties, then proceeded to buy up houses to jack up the price should anyone land on his property. As it turned out, Amy was the first to go bankrupt after landing on his place, and I wasn't far behind. Chase was so happy to have won, but secretly I was happy, too - not only because he was happy, but because that was the end of the game!

Our time with Andy was hard and we didn't stay long, but as we left, Amy gave Andy a hug and clear as day, Andy said: "I love you so, so much."

So there's the ebb and flow of life. I was reading an excerpt from Anne Morrow Lindbergh's, The Gift from the Sea. She was comparing the ebb and flow of the tides to our relationships with people, but I think it also applies to life in general. Life is fluid; sometimes we experience good times with few problems, other times, we struggle to keep our heads above water. She says that each cycle of the tide is valid, each cycle of the wave is valid. We can't change it, "it is what it is." But our acceptance of those changes and willingness to surrender to God's will in those circumstances is what makes the difference.

Another day, I read an excerpt from J.B. Phillips. He was a friend of C.S. Lewis and is known for his contemporary translation of the New Testament. He wrote that as he was translating Ephesians 2:4 where the text says that "God is rich in mercy," he was struck that this phrase was a "positive jewel...Just as we might say that a Texas tycoon is 'rich in oil,' so Paul writes it as a matter of fact that God is 'rich in mercy.' The pagan world was full of fear, and the Christian gospel set out to replace that fear of the gods or the fates, or even life itself, with the love for and trust in God. 'Rich in mercy' was good news to the ancient world and it is good news today."

Mercy is not the only quality that God is rich in. Ephesians 1:7 says that "God lavished the riches of His grace on us with all wisdom and understanding." And Psalm 145:8 says God is "rich in love."

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom." (Psalm 145:3)

As I was becoming an adult, in my teens, my sister and I were responsible to take care of the house so my mother would be available to help my dad with barn and field work. Sister loved to cook and bake and I loved to clean, organize and arrange things neatly. We had a convenient plan worked out so that the housework would be done between us, and we each did what we preferred.

Unfortunately, she didn't come with me when Andy and I got married. Unfortunately, because I had no experience with making a meal. Poor Andy had to put up with my learning to read recipes and make something tasty. I have to give him credit for his patience. In all the 44 years of our marriage, he only ever got up from the table once to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of course, I learned his likes and dislikes and made an effort to learn the art of cooking. But he was pretty patient with me.

I can get by, and even enjoy the kitchen now, but am by no means, anything special. You would think that since I don't have to cook for Andy any more, that I would welcome the break from that responsibility. But yesterday I was feeling like spending some time in the kitchen, so I made one of our favorite recipes: baked ziti. It makes a lot, even when I halve it, and I'll be eating it probably every day this coming week. I actually divided it into 7 meals and froze 3 of them to enjoy at a later date.

Dinner for 1 - a whole 13 x 9 pan all to myself. What was I thinking? It was more than enough - which reminded me that is how God's grace can be explained - more than enough!

Luke 6:38 ~ "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap."

Psalm 23:5 ~ "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows."

Another day I thought I would indulge by making strawberry shortcake. It seemed like a wonderful idea since strawberries were in season.
 

 It was so good and I justified the sugar by eating it without whipped cream.

I am currently reading Spiritual Classics in my morning devotional time. I'm grateful that we have the writings from saints who lived and experienced life with God through the ages. What a blessing to have insights from others who loved and served God through the years.

Richard Foster is a theologian and author who has written a number of books, but this one is a compilation of different authors throughout the centuries. Here is a sampling of what I read last week.

"Give me Your grace, good Lord...to set my mind fast upon You...gladly to be thinking of God, piteously to call for His help, to lean into the comfort of God, busily to labor to love Him." (Thomas More, page 6)

"Contemplation involves giving ourselves time to relax in God's presence. In the quietness, aware of His presence, we open our hearts to His love. Our prayer is usually wordless and fed by a deep desire for Him. This leads us on to a place where instead of seeking God, we are found by Him. We discover that long before we came to our place of prayer, He was seeking us. So He responds to our longing. We bask in the warmth of His love. We feel His gaze on us. He fills us afresh with His Spirit. We receive a new perspective on life - His perspective. We draw so close to His heart that we sense His concern for the world and from our contemplation flows intercession as we catch His compassion for a hurting world." (Joyce Huggett, page 14)

"We find it difficult to give up our desire for things that can never satisfy us in order to purchase the one good in whom is all our joy - and in whom, moreover, we get back everything else that we have renounced besides." (Thomas Merton, page 18)

"God loves to love us far beyond our most extravagant hopes. At the very heart of the universe is God's utter compassion and loving care for all his creation. God delights to lead us into the 'dizzy heights of love' - to the extent that we welcome it and to the extent that we can stand it." (Richard Foster's reflections on Marguerite Porete's essay, page 27)

"Prayer is the precious fruit of the Word - Word of God that has become wholly our own and in that way, has been inscribed deep in our body and psyche, and that now can become our response to the love of the Father. The Spirit stammers it out in our heart, without our doing anything about it. It bubbles up, it flows, it runs like living water. It is no longer we who pray, but the prayer prays itself in us. The divine life of the risen Christ ripples softly in our heart." (Andre Louf, page 33)

And this is my favorite of the week:

"There is no great mystery concerning the will of God, in so far as it applies to our small selves. God's will is written into His nature, and the nature of God is LOVE." (Agnes Sanford, page 39)

When we think of God's will for us in this way, how can we be anxious about the future?

"'Thy will be done' - We are only absolutely infallibly certain of the will of God concerning the past. Everything that has happened, whatever it may be, is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Father. The future, also, whatever it may contain, once it has come about, will have come about in conformity with the will of God." (Simone Weil, page 49)

"God cared for His children [in the feeding of the 5,000] and could, did and would provide for their necessities...a throb of the Father's heart. Because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God ready to forsake us...Care for the next minute is just as foolish as care for the morrow - in neither can we do anything and in both God is doing everything." (George MacDonald, pages 79-83)

I'm so blessed by God's ministry to me. It's been such a struggle for me to not worry about the future. I need continual reminders that God's got this. The very nature of God is love, and all his actions toward his children are loving and kind.

I met with my attorney this past week and I was so encouraged by her assurances that things will work out financially. I'm not going into detail on the internet but will be happy to share those details with anyone who talks to me personally.

Last night when I woke up in the middle of the night, God brought to my mind Psalm 91:4; the picture of hiding under God's wings, being covered by his feathers. Doesn't that sound like a safe place to be?

I love God's word pictures that help us visualize his peace, his protection, his provision for us, the sheep of his pasture.
 

Random Ramblings

Everybody has trials and temptations
Everybody knows heart break, isolation 

But we can lay our burdens down (our burdens down)
Lay our burdens down 

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home 

Everybody has fears, everybody's got worries
Everybody knows sorrow, devastation 

But we can lay our burdens down (our burdens down)
Lay our burdens down

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home 

No more betrayal, for He is faithful
He fills me up and my cup runneth over
No more betrayal, for He is faithful
How He has proven it over and over
Over and over 

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home

Songwriters: Matt Maher / Adam Palmer / Matthew Hein / Abbie Parker

What a Friend lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing

I love that song. I've been reminded this week of the universal nature of trials, temptations, and suffering because I'm re-reading Be Still, My Soul. I have agreed to do a book review in our adult Sunday school class next week. In preparation, I have been ministered to all over again by the examples of God's people rising above their suffering to rest in God's perspective, purpose and provision in suffering.

I am not the only one who is suffering. Everyone from the beginning of time has suffered in some way. But what makes the difference is our response to that suffering. Can we submit to God's plan in our suffering, or do we become bitter and angry by what he allows? I desire a heart of submission because he knows what is best and promises to care for us. Jesus promised that in this world we would have trouble, but the good news is: he has overcome the world. Good news indeed! He is our friend, and goes with us on our journey through our suffering. He grieves with us and has promised to carry us and take our burdens on himself.

There are many benefits that we receive from the suffering we endure. One that I've noticed in myself is that I am so much more sensitive to the suffering others are experiencing. Even reading the story of Jesus' passion and crucifixion brings tears to my eyes. Did anyone experience more horrible suffering than Jesus? And he did it because of his great love for me.

Another benefit of suffering is that we come to know God better. We experience his comfort, his strength, his grace to endure. Hopefully, the impurities in our life are purged away and we become more like Jesus, who suffered without complaint and entrusted himself to his heavenly Father.

 A year ago, I planted this lace cap hydrangea so I was excited to see it had buds and was very close to full bloom. Then imagine my horror, when the next day I saw this:

 

Can you believe it? I would never have guessed that hydrangeas were tasty. I do not have warm fuzzy feelings for the deer. There is plenty of food available to them and lots of woods in the neighborhood. And don't tell me that I've taken over their habitat. That doesn't soothe my frustration over them destroying the beauty of my gardens.

Then last night I noticed this brave new bud. Hopefully, the deer have moved on to "greener" pastures and won't come back for one more flower. Even though I like to see deer, I am not happy that they eat my plants. 

Some time ago, Christy asked if I could take some of Andy's sermons and make them into recordings on cd. It had been so long since Andy had preached and even when he had, it had been pretty random and rare so I told her it couldn't be done. But God...

With Andy no longer living at the house, I gave our boom box to Amy. Later she asked me if I realized there was a tape in the cassette player with a recording of a church service where Andy was preaching. I couldn't believe it! I got the cassette from her and asked our A/V guy to record it onto a cd. He did and I have listened to it a number of times. I confess it was hard to remember when Andy had sounded so "life-like" and passionate about God and our worship of him. The recording was made in July 2000 - 18 years ago. What a gift!

Doesn't he look young and Pastor-ish?

I have continued to visit with Andy every day. I help him eat his dinner, then read to him as he lies on his bed. He almost always falls asleep as I read, which brings back more memories. Our family tradition when the girls were growing up was to spend our after dinnertime reading. The girls would sit next to me on the couch and Andy would invariably lie on the floor as I read. Also, invariably, he would fall asleep. Then when I would stop reading, he would wake up and wonder what he had missed. It didn't seem to matter how interesting or exciting the story was, he couldn't stay awake. He always insisted that it was my voice that was so soothing and calming. It was our little inside family joke: dad on the floor asleep while mom reads.

In our Sunday school class this morning, our teacher reviewed Augustine's book, Confessions. He gave several of Augustine's quotes for us to digest and discuss. One of those was:

"For who is the Lord but the Lord? For who is God except our God? The highest, the most good, the most mighty, the most omnipotent; the most merciful, yet most just; the most hidden, yet most present; the most beautiful, yet strongest; the stationary, yet incomprehensibly constant. You cannot change, yet you change everything. You are never new, yet never old. You make all things new, yet conquer the proud with old age before they know of its approach.

You are ever working yet ever at rest. You are still gathering yet you lack nothing. You are still supporting, filling, and overspreading; still creating, nourishing and maturing; still seeking although you have all things. You love without yearning, are jealous without bitterness; share our regret without self reproach; express anger without losing serenity.

When others fail to finish what they propose, your purpose remains unchanged. You receive what you found yet had never lost. You are never in need yet rejoice in what you gain. You never covet, yet exact excessive payments, so that you may owe. Yet who has anything that is not already yours? You pay debts when you owe nothing, but in remitting you lose nothing."

Isn't that great? So profound and insightful into who God is and what he is like.

Psalm 18:31 ~ "For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?"

Psalm 145:3 ~ "Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom."