Friday, December 29, was our 44th anniversary. For better or worse, in sickness or in health, for richer or poorer...I think we've experienced it all, but we experienced it together. I've said it many times that Andy was so good to me. He treated me like a queen, he loved me unconditionally and cherished me. He made it easy to love and respect him. I loved being with him...so much so that we worked together at the church for 15 years before he had to "retire" because of his disability. Before that, we were in ministry together, as pastor and wife, then as lay ministers in the church when he had a secular job. Over the years, I've had some women tell me they could never work with their husbands, it just wouldn't go well. But I never felt that way...I could have been with Andy 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it.
 

When Andy and I were singing our duets, we were occasionally asked to sing at weddings. The song that became our personal theme song was Cherish the Treasure. Steve Green and his wife recorded it but I used to tell Andy that I liked his voice better than Steve's. No offense, Steve!

Cherish the Treasure, Steve Green
I cherish the treasure
The treasure of you
Lifelong companion
I give myself to you
God has enabled me
To walk with you faithfully
And cherish the treasure
The treasure of you

As I obey the Spirit's voice
And seek to do His will
I then can see the wisdom of His plan
For as He works His will in me
I then can love you selflessly
And by His grace, can pledge my love
To you

 This sacred vow I make to you
Does not contain an "if"
Though I'm aware that trials lie ahead
I will love you and pray with you
And through it all, I will stay with you
Our home will be a refuge of
Unconditional love
 Words and Music by Jon Mohr.
Copyright 1988 Birdwing Music/Jonathan Mark Music (admin. By The Sparrow Corp.) All Rights Reserved. International Copyright secured. 

What a gift it is to have a loving husband, a soul mate, one you not only live with, but also enjoy doing life with.

December 29's reading in Spurgeon's Morning and Evening was so appropriate for my situation. He took as his text, 1 Samuel 7:12 - "Till now the LORD has helped us."

He has such a way with words and says it so much better than I could, so I will quote him.

"The phrase 'till now' is like a hand pointing in the direction of the past. Twenty years or seventy, and still 'till now the LORD has helped us.' Through poverty, through wealth, through sickness, through health, at home, abroad, on the land, on the sea, in honor, in dishonor, in perplexity, in joy, in trial, in triumph, in prayer, in temptation, 'till now the LORD has helped us.' We delight to look down a long avenue of trees. It is delightful to gaze from end to end of the long vista, a sort of verdant temple, with its branching pillars and its arches of leaves. In the same way look down the long aisles of your years at the green branches of mercy overhead and the strong pillars of loving-kindness and faithfulness that support your joys. Are there no birds singing in those branches? Surely there must be many, and they all sing of mercy received 'till now.'

But the words also point forward. For when a man reaches a certain point and writes 'till now,' he is not yet at the end; he still has a distance to go. More trials, more joys; more temptations, more triumphs; more prayers, more answers; more toils, more strength; more fights, more victories; and then he faces sickness, old age, disease, death. Is it over then? No! Then there is wakening in Jesus' likeness, thrones, harps, songs, psalms, white raiment, the face of Jesus, the company of saints, the glory of God, the fullness of eternity, the infinity of bliss...When read in light of heaven, how glorious and marvelous a prospect will the 'till now' provide for your grateful eye!"

On Christmas Day, rather than being at home by myself, I took the trip to be with Amy's family. We ate together, then opened presents, before taking a drive over to see their new house. I got the grand tour. They have 3 acres with a huge house and a pole barn. Ricky's mom will be moving in with them. I know they'll enjoy this new place.

On Friday, Christy and her kids came down. They stopped at Care One to do a musical program for Andy and any of the residents who wanted to listen. Asher, Naomi and Aiden all played several piano pieces, then Grace played her violin. Christy accompanied her on one song, then she played several by herself. She is amazingly good. It's a pleasure to listen to all of them.

We got more snow...a good reason to stay indoors all day Saturday. I was happy that I felt pretty good with energy and motivation to get some extra work done. With only me in the house, it doesn't get very dirty. So my weekly cleaning usually only consists of quick wipes here and there. With time on my hands yesterday and my German cleanliness conscience prodding me, I did some scrubbing on my hands and knees. Thankfully, at my age, I can still get down there and back up again. I suppose one of these days, I'll have to invest in one of those swiffer mops...but not yet.

My Christmas present from the Lindsays was a ticket to see Stomp in concert at the Merriam Theater in Philadelphia. So that was an experience this afternoon; first of all, driving into Philadelphia by myself, finding a parking lot (the first one I drove into was full and I was directed to another one), then walking in the frigid cold to the theater. The temperature was 18 degrees! Brrr. Believe it or not, I did it - all by myself.

I had never heard of Stomp before Christy told me she was buying me a ticket to their concert. The program described Stomp as a "unique combination of percussion, movement and visual comedy, created in Brighton, UK." The show involves the performers using ordinary street objects like garbage cans and lids, shopping carts, brooms, etc. to make music and an entertaining program. It really was enjoyable. There was comedy included in some of the numbers that added to the fun. 

We were on the very last row in the nosebleed seats but we saw and heard everything perfectly.

The walk back to the parking garage was not any warmer than before. Christian had mercy on his family and myself, and we ducked into a Wawa for some hot chocolate.

So it was a pretty full and busy week...different than the routine with Christmas and New Year's Eve. And what is my goal for the new year? I'm not making any resolutions but I do hope my aim in life continues to be to put Jesus first, to "press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14; and that I will never cease to grow in my love for God, to trust Him more, to surrender to His will. Those are pretty lofty goals, and I don't pretend that I'll be able to reach them in my own strength. But "The one who calls [me] is faithful and He will do it." (1 Thessalonians 5:3)

In looking back I can see evidence of how He has been faithfully providing for me in every way "till now," and with that kind of track record, I'm sure He will continue to shower me with His mercy and grace into this new year.

Happy New Year - 2018!

 

Merry Christmas!

I've been listening to Lauren daigle on the radio, singing, Noel.

Noel
Love incarnate, love divine
Star and angels gave the sign
Bow to babe on bended knee
The Savior of humanity
Unto us a child is born
He shall reign forevermore.

Noel, noel
Come and see what God has done
Noel, noel
The story of amazing love!
The light of the world, given for us
Noel

Son of God and Son of man
There before the world began
Born to suffer, born to save
Born to raise us from the grave
Christ the everlasting Lord
He shall reign forevermore

Noel, noel
Come and see what God has done
Noel, noel
The story of amazing love!
The light of the world, given for us
Noel
songwriters: Edmond Martin Cash, Matthew James Redman, Christopher D. Tomlin; Noel lyrics  © Capitol Christian Music Group

Because of Christmas, we have so much to be thankful for. God is with us, the best gift of all.

We had our family Christmas celebration, party time, yesterday. All the kids and grandkids were here, everyone except Andy. As usual, we had lots to eat and good, fun conversation.

The kids initiated on their own a white elephant gift exchange. 

After we ate, we opened our gifts to each other. Cole was the youngest so he opened his first. He liked what he got, but the anticipation was just as fun for me.

The little girls had fun tattooing everyone, especially Cole. He was a willing subject for them. I think he ended up with 9 tattoos all over himself.

 Earlier in the week, I was able to attend a Christmas play that Kira was starring in. She was Mrs. Claus and did a great job with her lines and acting.

Andy has seemed subdued every night this week when I visited. I made it a point to make notes after each time I saw him. By the end of the week when I update, it's hard to remember the details of each visit. The days and nights run together.

Every evening this week was pretty much the same: significant tremors in his right hand and chin. His left hand is also shaking and sometimes his right foot. He seemed subdued though. This is a change from several weeks ago when his tremors really bothered him and caused him anxiety. On Tuesday evening, there was a madrigal group of local high schoolers who put on a program for the residents of the care facility. I wasn't sure if Andy would be interested but he sat quietly through the whole program. That was a change, too, from other groups who've performed there. Maybe this is the next phase in the progression of his disease.

He is still trying to talk to me. One evening he told me he was really tired. A little later he said he was going to go to the church to sleep. Then as I was leaving, he asked me if I was going to my class. Another evening, he said something, but I couldn't understand because his words were indistinct and didn't make sense. When I told him I didn't understand what he had said, he said he didn't either.

It would be easy to become negative; in fact, I was convicted this week that that was my mental attitude. I have so much to be thankful for, even over and above the greatest gift of all: Jesus Himself. He is all I need, but He has also given me so much in this life to enjoy.

I've been struck by the phrase everyone uses to each other at this season: Merry Christmas. In a lot of ways, Christmas is hard. Hard because of circumstances. Loved ones who are precious to us are no longer a part of our celebrations. How can we be merry with all the sickness and death that we experience? We can be merry, happy, joyful because this life is not where our hope lies. Because Jesus came as a helpless, dependent baby, to be one of us, to die for our sins, rescuing us from sin's control, promising eternal life with him forever, we have HOPE. And that is something to be merry about, sing, shout and dance and celebrate about. 

Just A Baby 
Breathe, just breathe
I can hear the chaos outside
All the fear that fills up my mind
Peace, You bring me peace
The kind that I have never known
To face the journey we are on
 
Here inside this stable, on this cold December night
I wrap my arms around You, hold my miracle so tight

A baby, You're just a baby
Who came to change the world
And save the hearts of everyone
King above all kings, hear the angels sing
You're worshipped and adored
'Cause You are so much more than just a baby

Hands, tiny little hands
One day You will heal the scars
Of every broken heart
Love, oh, how You'll love
From now and through eternity
Love will be Your legacy

But right now in this stable, on this cold December night
I'll wrap my arms around You and keep You safe tonight

A baby, You're just a baby
Who came to change the world
And save the hearts of everyone
King above all kings, hear the angels sing
You're worshipped and adored
'Cause You are so much more than just a baby

Round yon virgin Mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
(Sleep in heavenly peace)

People came from near and far
Following the star to see Your face

Baby, You're just a baby
Who came to change the world
And save the hearts of everyone
King above all kings, hear the angels sing
You're worshipped and adored
'Cause You are so much more than just a baby

You're more than just a baby, yes
You're more than just a baby 
Songwriters: Mallory Hope / Molly Reed; Just A Baby lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

  
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Every year I read through the Bible at least once and about this time, December, when I get to the minor prophets, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the sin of the Israelites. God pleads with them to return to him. He reminds them of his kindness to them and promises judgment if they don't repent and leave their wickedness. I can't help but wonder how they can stray so far from Him. He's always so faithful and loving toward them, His children. They've been eyewitnesses to His miracles in providing for them, fighting their battles, speaking to them by angels and prophets. But they still reject Him, preferring to run after false gods. 

Then I am reminded that I do the same thing. I, too, forget the kindness and faithfulness of God. But the difference in our new covenant era, is that my sin and forgetfulness are  covered under the blood of Jesus...not to be brought up and held against me. 

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

Colossians 1:22 -  "But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation..."

But even in the Old Testament, God was showing His kindness to His children, as wayward as they were. He speaks through Hosea: "I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them." (Hosea 11:4) 

And what about Psalm 103:8-13 ~ "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever; He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him..."

Such an amazing truth...

Even when I lack the faith to believe, even when I am discouraged, even when I make bad decisions, even when I worry, even when I whatever...God's grace is available. He does not accuse me, but prays for me and enables me to persevere.

In Saturday's reading in Morning and Evening, Spurgeon explains Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me." 

He says: "The call of the Christian faith is the gentle word, 'Come.' ...the Gospel draws with cords of love. Jesus is the Good Shepherd going before His sheep, bidding them follow Him, and leading them forward with the sweet word, 'Come.' The law repels; the Gospel attracts. The law shows the distance that exists between God and man; the Gospel  bridges that awful chasm and brings the sinner across it." 

He continues to explain that the word "come" is a welcoming, encouraging word. Picture a mother encouraging her toddler to walk toward her. She opens her arms to the baby, saying, "Come to mommy, come on, you can do it..." This is a beautiful picture of Jesus encouraging us in our walk with him in this life. In fact, when He tells us to come to him in Matthew 11, He is actually telling those of us who are weary and burdened to come to Him. And when we do, He promises to give us rest. 

And we can echo Peter's statement of faith, "Where else can we go, for You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68)

Earlier in the week, I was dealing with some insecurity. I was wondering what I was: am I a widow, well not really. I'm alone, by myself, but not really. But the Lord whispered his peace to me, and I'm really ok with this in-between stage. This is my life right now...unsettled, back and forth between home and Andy. But as C.S. Lewis says, "It is what it is, and that's the end of the matter." (Mere Christianity) In my mind there's really a little more to it than that. Yes, it is what it is, and I can't change that. But I also want to believe that this is the life ordained for me since before time began. And if this is what God planned for me, then He has the whole thing planned, including the here and now. All I need to do is trust Him. That's all. Sounds simple, but it's not. It's the hardest thing we as people are called to, because we're so prone to wanting to fix things, to make things right. And I think God has wired us this way. He's made us in His image, and we long for things to work out right, to have a happy ending. But some things are beyond our ability. Only God is infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, and sovereignly in control.


God is God and I am not. Besides, I too often tend to forget that this is not about me. It's about God and His glory. Yes, He's using me as part of His story, but ultimately, it's not about me. And that's good. So the challenge is to not let our focus be on ourselves and our situation, but to "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:2-3)


I did not take any pictures this week, so I'm looking back in my archives to some pictures that remind me spring will be coming again. Winter can be depressing with the very short days, most of them gray and cloudy. Colors are drab and lifeless, brown and more brown. Snow is a change of pace with white covering everything, but that doesn't last long before it turns gray, too. So feast your eyes on the colors of spring and summer.

The seasons are a visual reminder of God's faithfulness! 

Summer and winter, springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above.
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All I have needed, Thy hand has provided,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me. 
© 1923. Ren. 1951 Hope Publishing Co., Carol Stream, IL 60188

When I was on vacation this summer with Christy and her family, we were talking one day about her girls getting braces. And in passing (I thought), I mentioned that I had always wished I'd gotten my teeth straightened. That started a conversation that finally had me promising I would pursue the possibility. But I didn't follow through until I got a prod from Christy, so the next time I saw my dentist (she's a good friend and goes to our church), I asked her what she thought. She immediately enthused over the idea and told me that one of her best friends was an orthodontist. I hemmed and hawed and gave some excuses, but she wouldn't let me off the hook. Later that week, she texted me to ask if I had set up an appointment yet. So right then I called and made the appointment for a consultation, then texted her back to say I had followed through!

It was amazing to see how little details came together to affirm that this was ok for me to do. When I called the office to make the appointment, the receptionist who answered recognized my name and was so positive about me going ahead with this. The receptionist is working in the same office that I took all three of our daughters to for their braces 25 years ago. The orthodontist is different, but she took over the office of the Dr. who had worked on the girls - when he retired.

I was pretty apprehensive about the expense, but even that worked out in an unbelievable way. I  had my consultation several weeks ago, then got them on this past Tuesday. As I was sitting in the chair with my mouth stretched open in a very uncomfortable position and cotton balls stuffed in my mouth to control the saliva, I couldn't help but wonder what in the world had made me decide to do this. Since then I've continued to ask that question because eating has been difficult and uncomfortable, too. And cleaning the teeth is very time consuming. But it's all for a good cause, right? No pain, no gain. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and think of the end result. And it is rather "fun" to be going through this along with Grace and Naomi. (Do I have a skewed idea of what is fun?)
 

Silly little Claire loves to photo bomb!

The kids were performing in a concert on Friday night, so I drove over to be able to enjoy it. These are all homeschooled kids, in different choirs on different levels. The directors are professionally trained with various degrees so the quality of the music the kids produce is amazing. It's really a pleasure to sit through the program (not tortuous like some kids' productions!). Grace had a violin piece that she played with the choir on one of the songs and she did a fantastic job. It's one of my favorite songs: Gloria by Vivaldi. Grace and Aiden were in the oldest choir and Claire was in the Prima Choir. Naomi and Asher were not involved because they had been participating in another activity this fall.

On Friday afternoon, Dawn met me at COHV (Care One Harmony Village) to visit with Andy. When we were leaving, one of the PT's met us and asked if I had seen their "new" spa. I said I knew about it but hadn't really been inside. So he took Dawn and me in and showed us around. He turned on all the blue lights, the calming music and the water therapy, then proceeded to show how the massage chair worked. He took out his phone and showed me a video of Andy's tremors and how bad they were, but then he took Andy to the spa and had him relax on the chair. In only a few minutes, his tremors had ceased - and he showed me the video he had taken when Andy's tremors were under control.

This is so amazing to me about this place. The staff are so caring and really make an effort to love their residents. I'm so impressed that they take videos of the residents, then show the videos of Andy to me when I come in. Videos take up lots of space on iphones, but this is just another indication that they are caring and love the people they work with.

The PT told me I could take Andy in to the spa if I see his tremors are causing him anxiety. And he proceeded to show me how to turn everything on. He also said that if the door was locked, I could ask for the key at the front desk, and if I didn't remember how to work something, the receptionist could help me because all the staff has been trained on how to set it up. I tried it tonight after dinner. It was wonderful! I turned on all the blue lights, the water therapy, the soft music and had Andy sit in the chair. Then I turned that on, the massage feature, and he sat there quietly for 15 minutes without trying to talk or do anything. So it was relaxing for me, too.

I was happy to be home yesterday to enjoy the snow. It snowed all day and was so beautiful. It makes everything look clean, fresh and new. Then with the sun shining today, it added sparkle to the snow. I took some pictures first thing this morning. The sun wasn't 
entirely up in the sky yet, so everything had a blue tint to it - which gives an air of mystery to the pictures.

Snow always reminds me of how clean we are when we are cleansed by Jesus' blood. 

Psalm 51:7 - "Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."

Isaiah 1:18 - '"Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool'."

Natalie Grant sings a song that so graphically illustrates our state and how much we need the cleansing of Jesus:

 Clean
I see shattered
You see whole
I see broken
But You see beautiful
And You're helping me to believe
You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

What was dead now lives again
My heart's beating, beating inside my chest
Oh I'm coming alive with joy and destiny
Cause You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean, oh yeah

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I am clean

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I'm clean, I'm clean, ohhh I'm

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I'm clean, oh I'm clean, I'm clean
Oh You made me
You wash me
Clean
Oh You made me clean
Written by: Natalie Diane Grant-Herms, Bernhard Herms; Lyrics © MUSIC SERVICES, INC., Universal Music Publishing Group

We've been studying the book of Hebrews in the Sunday school class I've been attending. The phrase in the song above that describes our being washed in mercy reminds me of Hebrews 4:16, where we're told "we can approach God's throne of grace with confidence where we will receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

These are good reminders at this time of year when we focus on the baby in the manger, that He came with a purpose - to die for our sins. He washed us and made us clean by the sacrifice of His own life. Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Is it ok to brag a little???? Probably not, but I will anyway. I have finished my Christmas shopping for the family...and the presents are under the tree! I still have a few gifts to buy for friends.

I have the Christmas lights up on the bushes in the front of the house. I never had the icicles taken down, so that didn't need to be done again. But I put lights on the bushes yesterday, then someone came over to help me put the timers on them.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Last week I was struggling with sadness and worry: sad that Andy is no longer a part of our family holidays, worry because I didn't know how I was going to continue to pay for him being at such an expensive facility.

By Monday evening, I was drawn to the Psalms and was so encouraged by where God led me. 

Psalm 143:
"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief."  (verse 1)

"My spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed." (verse 4)

"I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (verses 6-8)

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." (verse 10)

"For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble." (verse 11)

I was especially encouraged by verse 10, comforted to know God's good Spirit was going to lead me on level ground.

Then on Wednesday afternoon, the mail brought a check that I wasn't expecting. At that point, a feeling came over me that this was the beginning of God's meeting all my needs. 

And the next day, I got an email from someone who wanted to help me with the financial burden I'm carrying; the only stipulation being that they needed to remain completely anonymous. 

Psalm 146:9 says: "The LORD sustains the fatherless and the widow." I stand in awe of his faithfulness.

I called our attorney on Monday and have an appointment set to begin the application process for Medicaid. She gave me an assignment to make copies of all our bank statements for the last 5 years. I've already done that. She will go through those statements and check them for questions we might encounter when we submit the application. There is a lot to do, receipts to look up and find, and who knows what all...but step by step...we'll get it done.

I stopped by to see Dawn one evening to rescue her for a little break from 24/7 littles and was able to get this cute picture of our February babies. Kasey will be 4 and Cole will be 2, both in February.

I'm so grateful that the Lord hears me and sympathizes with my weaknesses. I can approach his throne of grace with confidence, knowing that I will receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16) And right now, I'm very needy.

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."

Songwriters: David Crowder, Ben Glover Glover, Matt Maher; Come As You Are lyrics © CAPITOL CHRISTIAN MUSIC GROUP