"[I am] hard pressed on every side, BUT not crushed; perplexed, BUT not in despair; persecuted, BUT not abandoned; struck down, BUT not destroyed." 

These verses are another example of the "Holy But" that Dan Stone devotes a chapter to in his book, The Rest of the Gospel. He challenges us to live after the BUT. For instance: we can say: "I know God loves me, but it doesn't seem like it...everything is falling apart." Or "I know God is my sufficiency, but I don't really have what I need." This way of looking at life, though, is living "in the junk," in our circumstances.On the other hand, we can let the Holy But be a bridge, which picks us up from where we're stuck and moves us into faith. If we didn't have the negative in life, we'd never exercise faith. The negative is real and should prompt us to move into faith. Instead we can say, "I feel so weak, BUT God is my strength." Or, "I'm in pain, BUT Christ is my sufficiency."

I wish I could say I have this down pat, but in reality, I feel like I failed miserably this week. I was literally in the pit of despair for a day or two, and it took a lot of reading, praying, counseling by friends, talking with family members, preaching to myself what is true, and time to process with the Lord before coming back up to the "green pastures and quiet waters." 

King David uses the Holy But in Psalm 13. He starts out the psalm in doubt and despair: "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?" Talk about being in the pit of despair! But David doesn't stay there. He reminds himself that he can go to God for answers. Then he uses that word, BUT. "But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me." His situation hadn't changed but he remembered who God is and how God had dealt with him in the past. 

It is actually a benefit the longer you live because it means you have a history of God's dealing with you throughout your past. I told someone recently that in all the times Andy changed jobs, there was never a time when he missed a paycheck. When he left seminary and we moved back east, he went straight to a job that was waiting for him. Then when we moved to Washington state for his job as associate pastor, he was immediately put on a salary. When he resigned from the pastorate and we moved back to NJ, again God provided an immediate job for him to move into. There were several other instances as well. God provided, God provided, God provided.

So the bottom line is for me to believe God will provide! You would think that this would be easy for me by now. But I confess it is not. I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. How am I going to pay for the extremely expensive care that Andy needs at this time?

I can't just bring him back home, nor can I place him in an ordinary nursing home. He is at the point where he needs an assisted living mental care facility. He can't care for himself any more. 

Although my trust in God does not negate my own responsibility, I feel like so much of this is out of my control. I am meeting with a financial advisor and have an elder law attorney who are a lot smarter than I am at figuring these things out. So although I don't know the future, I know the God who holds the future. I am encouraged that none of what I'm going through is surprising to Him, nor did it catch Him off guard. He has a purpose in it and He is calling me to trust Him. 

A lot of things are still in the process of being resolved. To relieve some of that mental anguish, I had to get out for some nature therapy yesterday. It was a beautiful day, spring like with blue sunny skies and warm temperatures. I went to Strawbridge Lake in Moorestown because it's more urban. People use the road by the lake for jogging, biking, walking their dogs which feels safer for me since I'm by myself.

 


So no matter how difficult the circumstances I go through, I am not losing heart. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) I may have moments (hours or days) when I am in the pit of despair, but God does not leave me there. In fact, He is there with me, but He speaks His truths to me, encouraging and ministering to me Himself. And He really is enough!

The other day I heard Casting Crowns sing God of All My Days. I think it was written just for me.

In my worry, God You are my stillness
In my searching, God You are my answers
In my blindness, God You are my vision
In my bondage, God You are my freedom
In my weakness, God You are my power
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days

Songwriters: John Mark Hall / Jason Ingram

God of All My Days lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

God is my stillness, my answers, my vision, my freedom, my power, the reason I can sing...my Everything. 

In a conversation I was having with someone, they were remembering how kind and gentle Andy was/is. Then they asked if he ever got angry. The only incident I could remember at the time occurred in the early days of our marriage when we were in seminary, living in Portland, Oregon. One day, our car had a flat tire and Andy went out to change it. One of the lug nuts was especially tight and he couldn't get it. In frustration, he kicked the tire. I thought it was funny then, and I think it's funny now. Kicking an inanimate object does not resolve the problem, it only hurts the kicker! 

This morning another incident came to my mind. When the girls were little, we had a cat. We named her GG because she was feisty and a GoGetter. We had her from the time she was a kitten, and as she got older, she developed a very bad habit of pouncing on Amy, the baby. One day, Amy was coming down the stairs, when we noticed GG crouching at the bottom, waiting for her. Sure enough, when Amy got to the bottom, GG pounced. Then Andy went into action. He was so angry at this cat picking on the baby, he picked her (the cat!) up and threw her across the room. The older girls and I were aghast, but he was adamant that no cat is going to hurt his baby. 

Even though he was angry, his anger was against the injustice of others picking on helpless, innocent victims. He had a strong sense of justice for the underdog. There were several times that he helped people in our church who were being victimized, by setting up appointments with a lawyer, even accompanying them and paying for the attorneys' fees. 

Over the years he had related to me stories of how he protected his brothers from bullies when he was a kid. Recently his brother told me he remembers Andy punching another guy in the mouth. This guy was very much older than Andy but I'm sure he did or said something to bully someone else and it was more than Andy could take. 

I'm glad I have these memories. It makes the current situation more bearable. Our daughters have been texting me pictures of their dad that they have in their memory banks or scrolling on their computers. I love this one of Andy, estimated to be about 15 years ago. He looks so young!

Andy is holding a puppy, not a cat!

Asher imitating his Pop-pop, several years BA (before Alzheimers)

This week was difficult for me in several ways. Andy seemed to be taking another step downward in the progression on his disease. Ironically, I had called the nurse at his facility last week to ask her to have his care givers give Andy cues when he is showering. I told her that he needs to be told what to do, but he can follow directions. This was ironic because only the day after I had this conversation with the nurse, I had occasion to have Andy take a shower. I got him in the shower stall and started giving him cues. But it was obvious he had no idea what I was telling him. Simple things like: get the soap, wash yourself, shampoo your hair. Nope - "no comprende." 

Another thing I noticed this week is that he seemed to be sleeping a lot. When I arrived at 5:00 to help him with his dinner, I would have to wake him up. When dinner was finished, we would go back to his room, he would lie down on the bed and fall asleep while I was reading to him. Several of those nights, I would just sit there with him for a while before finally getting up to leave. He didn't wake up as I moved around the room. This seemed unusual for him.

But the last couple of nights he has been more awake and alert, even staying awake through two whole chapters as I read to him. So there are the ups and downs, the uncertainties of the disease, but it helps to remember that God never changes. He is still faithful, His love is unfailing, He is full of grace and mercy toward His children.

As I woke on Wednesday morning, I was reviewing a verse I had recently memorized: Hebrews 4:16. "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say this verse to myself, and then I say to God, "and I am sooooo needy, but what a gift, that I can come to You with confidence and You will give me the grace I need for this day."

As a confirmation to my thoughts, Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word was such a blessing (this particular post is not uploaded on his website yet). He said there are two words God never says to His children. His whole post was a poem and I eagerly kept reading until He mentioned the two words we'll never hear from God: "Go away."  I think of this sometimes, how we can become impatient with our own children or other people when they are needy, but God never becomes impatient with us. He is the perfect parent. He wants us to run to Him when we are desperately needy. 

Another day this week, when I got to work, I opened the mail. There was an envelope addressed to me and when I opened it, there was $120 in cash enclosed with a note that they were praying for me and I could use the money in whatever way I wanted. How kind of the Lord to give me this encouragement because later in the day, I received word from another source that my money was running out, I needed to get in touch with my lawyer and get working on my Medicaid application. The money and card I received was confirmation that He is working on my behalf and hasn't forgotten me.

 
I am tempted to worry and fear the future, but He comforts me with his presence, his word and his people along with evidences that he is going to provide. I understand that this trust does not negate my need for action when it is required. But I want to make sure I am listening to God's voice and not rushing ahead of Him and trying to make my own decisions.

I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. 

 

I am reading again, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory.  

 

 

 

I can't say enough good about this book. He really hammers away at the truth of Jesus living his life through me. I am a clay pot, just a vessel, for Jesus to live through. We are to be in "union with the Greater and let Him express Himself though the lesser. We are vessels--containers of the life of God. But we are not the contents of the vessel. God is. We cannot produce His life. We can only express it." (page 115)

How prone we are to forget the truth of the gospel. It's not just that we are forgiven, although that would be good enough. But we've also been given the righteousness of Jesus. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. Amazing. I hope I never get over the beauty and wonder and awesomeness of this truth.

Our pastor calls this the two sides of the cross. On the one side, Jesus took my sins on Himself; on the other side, He gave me His righteousness. 

 

2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ "God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." 

Galatians 2:20 ~ "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure (Jesus) in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

 

Several months ago, I waded through Victor Hugo's Les Miserables again. In some sections, he can seem to ramble off into explanations that don't seem necessary. I'm sure they are and they have their place. But honestly, I think when I read it the first time, I did a lot of skipping over anything that wasn't very exciting. But this time, I purposed to read every word. I'm glad I did because he is a talented writer. There is pleasure in participating in others' creativity: the music of Mozart, a gourmet meal, and certain authors' way with words. 

 

For instance, Hugo described a cloudy sky as: "heavy clouds filled the horizon with their melancholy folds." I love that: "melancholy folds." Can't you just see the gray clouds piling up on top of each other? In one of the sections in his book, Hugo went into a discussion of old age. He described the four corners of old age as being: decrepitude, decay, ruin and sadness. Sounds depressing and not very hopeful.

But that is not taking into account the gospel.

This week I pulled God is the Gospel by John Piper off the shelf. I love Piper's writing because he beautifully points us to a God centeredness when our culture is so focused on self. In chapter 6, Piper refers to our walk with the Lord as being transformed from glory to glory, but this is not true for our physical bodies in this age. He says, "the experience of all Christians in this life is progressive aging and weakening and failing health and death." I identified with this degeneration because I am witnessing it first hand with Andy's health.

I am a little surprised by people's response if I mention that I'm getting older. The idea is often pooh-poohed. Oh no, not you! Well, I might have many more years to live, but I also might not. And I'm certainly not young any more! But that's ok with me. Piper points out that "Paul is very clear that this is part of the godly Christian experience as we "wait...for...the redemption of our bodies." "Not only creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies" (Romans 8:23). Then he goes on to add that this "outward decay is simultaneous with inward renewal from glory to glory as we fix our gaze on the glory of Christ." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

But the good news of the gospel is that even though our bodies are wearing out, that is not the end. Because God gave himself to us by sending Jesus to die for our sins and win us to himself, death is not the end. Jesus conquered death and because he lives, we will too. 

Piper contends that God is the greatest gift of the gospel in and above all other gifts. He quotes Jonathan Edwards who says: "He is the highest good, the sum of all that good which Christ purchased. God is the inheritance of the saints; he is the portion of their soul. God is their wealth and treasure, their food, their life, their dwelling place, their ornament and diadem, and their everlasting honor and glory." 

We will spend eternity being dazzled by God's beauty and glory. Psalm 16:11 ~ "In Your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." And David says in Psalm 27:4 ~ "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple."

I love to think about our future life with our Lord in heaven, when we'll be free from the heartaches of this life and enjoying more happiness than we can ever imagine here. But while we are still here, there is also much to enjoy in this life. Piper makes the point that just as God promises that "all things" work for the good of those who love God, so He will also, along with Jesus, graciously give us "all things." (Romans 8:28 & 32) "All things" means all things, in this life as well as in the life to come. We enjoy the saving gifts of the gospel: predestination, incarnation, justification, reconciliation, consummation, eternal life, etc. 

And in the here and now, this life, I have many things to be thankful for. God has blessed me abundantly with a loving family, hobbies, books to read, friends who encourage me, cry with me and go to lunch with me, a job, a beautiful home to live in, to name a few.

I've been working on a puzzle the last couple of weeks. I love this particular one because it is a puzzle of a lion, in the shape of a lion, with different African animals arranged on the body of the lion. How creative of the artist to come up with this idea. It wasn't easy with 1,000 pieces and the border pieces were not all obvious. But it was fun to spend a few minutes here and there to work on it and see it come together.

 

I was able to attend a hockey game that Chase was playing in. Their game was fairly close by, still in Pennsylvania but just over the river. His games are usually a lot further away so I was happy to be able to spend some time with the girls and Amy in the bleachers (Ricky stood because he gets too excited to sit still) and watch Chase play his game. It's amazing to watch those kids skate around forwards and backwards...how do they go so fast? While I was sitting with Amy, she mentioned that Joanna had crocheted dresses for her dolls. When I saw the dresses, I was impressed. What detail...even scallops on the hem of the one dress. Joanna is only 9. The doll on the left was her first attempt, but the one on the right is quite good.

After the game, the kids were happy to pose with me.

 

It looks like Chase is taller than I am, but that's only because he has his skates on. He still has a few inches to go, although I don't anticipate it will be much longer.

Yes, life is hard. January is especially hard for me because that is the month we lost our first born. You never get over the death of a loved one...never. But even though life is hard, God is so good. He reveals himself to those who hurt. He watches over and sustains the widow (Psalm 146:9). "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3). 

Suffering helps to intensify our longing for God and the hope we have in Him. We come to experience his grace, mercy, peace and goodness when we are desperate and needy. He is our Rescuer, our Rock, our Strong Tower, our All in All. 

So the good news of the gospel is God Himself. He gave us His son, Jesus Christ, who is the image of God. We see God in the face of Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:3-6) "The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word." Hebrews 1:3

"Spiritual growth is sometimes tedious work, one small step at a time." Improvement is gradual. There are seasons in our spiritual life. "Sometimes we will have a short, intense burst of growth (springtime) followed by a period of stabilizing and testing (fall and winter)." (from Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life, page 221)

The stabilizing and testing are just as necessary to our lives as the bursts of growth. We can appreciate spring so much better after having endured the winter. It's why I love living in the northeast. I can like winter only as I think of how temporary it is and how lovely spring will be. But even in winter, there are moments of beauty...as in new fallen snow, of frozen ponds providing recreation to ice skaters, a blazing fire in a fireplace that adds ambiance and coziness, a mug of hot chocolate, just to mention a few. 

Right now my season of life seems to be a certain plodding. One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm conscious of the fact that I need to be content with things at a certain standstill. When people ask me how Andy is or how I am, I say "about the same." And I have to thank God for that answer. God uses the mountain top experience as well as drought times to grow us, mature us, make us more like Jesus.

I think more than ever, my life's theme needs to be:

Help me want the Healer more than the healing
Help me want the Savior more than the saving
Help me want the Giver more than the giving
Help me want you Jesus more than anything 
Written by Becca Mizell and Sam Mizell, recorded by Natalie Grant

I subscribe to Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word and he addressed the subject of change as it relates to the new year. It goes along with the growth process as mentioned above.

"Biblical Christianity, which has the gospel of Jesus Christ at the center, simply doesn't rest its hope in big moments of change. The fact of the matter is that the transforming work of grace is more of a mundane process.

Change typically takes place in ten thousand little moments, not one life-altering event.

The little moments of life are profoundly important precisely because they are the little moments. We live most of our existence in these mundane, everyday moments. For every huge life-changing moment, we experience ten thousand insignificant moments.

The beautiful thing about the gospel is that Jesus Christ offers grace for each of these little moments. The Bible doesn't say, "His mercies are new once a year." No, "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Jesus is named Emmanuel, not just because he came to earth once, but because he makes you the place where he dwells every day. This means he is present and active in all the mundane moments of your daily life.

In these small moments, he is delivering every redemptive promise he has made to you. In these unremarkable moments, he is working to rescue you from you and transform you into his likeness.

By sovereign grace, your Lord will place you in ten thousand little moments that are designed to take you beyond your character, wisdom, and grace so that you'll seek the help and hope that can only be found in him.

In a lifelong process of change, he is undoing you and rebuilding you again - exactly what each one of us needs!"

Even though Monday was a holiday, I went to the office and worked for a couple of hours. I didn't work the whole day as I usually do but it was enough to get me out of the house with something to do. I also had off on Tuesday, so with the long weekend (4 days off in a row), I was happy to go to work for a little while. It gave me a chance to clean up from Sunday and get a head start on my week.

With so much time off, I also baked a batch of cookies, then delivered some to the family next door who shoveled my driveway last Saturday, another couple dozen to a teen who had helped me with a project - house related. I saved some for Tommy, just because he raves over my cookies (probably to ensure that he continues to receive some when I get the urge to bake). After I saw Andy on Monday evening, I stopped by Dawn's to deliver the cookies to Tommy. Unfortunately, he didn't feel well and was already in bed. But I'm sure they didn't last long when he got up the next day. I had the privilege of reading a story to this little guy again. I love it that he is wearing his batman pj's.

We had another snowstorm - a doozy this time, a nor'easter with snow and high winds - on Thursday. I didn't go to work all day, but stayed home. It was a little frustrating because Thursday is my big day of printing all the literature for Sunday. But I couldn't do much about it. I couldn't help but think, though, how Andy and I used to be ready for adventures when it snowed. Guys are a lot more prone to risk snowy, icy roads than women; at least this woman. Let me stay safe and warm! But when Andy oversaw the building and we worked together at the church, we would venture out just to see what the roads were like. I remember one year we made it into the parking lot at church, but then got stuck because the snow was so deep, the car just couldn't push through it. Andy had to get into the building, find a shovel, then dig us out. That is a good and fun memory for me. Of course, I stayed in the car with the heater going full blast while he dug us out. 

Winter of 2011

This time, Tommy came and took care of the driveway for me so I was able to get to work on Friday. By then, the parking lots were plowed and the walkways were cleared. Yes, and because Tommy did that work for me, I felt compelled to make another batch of cookies on Saturday. 

A friend gave me an amaryllis at Christmas. It is an amazing flower. I haven't watered it since she gave it to me and with no attention, it started blooming. Another amazing tidbit on the amaryllis is that it rhymes with Phyllis. The perfect plant for me.
 

 

I continue to visit with Andy every evening at dinner time. One evening as I was feeding him, the man sitting next to us asked Andy how he was doing. Andy didn't say anything, didn't even acknowledge the man by looking at him. He continue to look straight ahead, so I said to him, F asked you how you were doing. Immediately, without a change of expression, he did a thumbs up. 

Tonight he asked me how my classes were going. It seems to be a favorite question for him to ask me. I tell him I'm not taking any classes, then he asks me what I'm doing. I tell him I have a job which leads him to ask where I work. I tell him I work at the church. The conversation usually doesn't go much further than that. This evening when I got up to leave, he told me he would watch the children for me. I told him the children were ok, but he repeated that he would take care of them. I should have thanked him and left it at that, but I told him the children were ok and they could take care of themselves. But he seemed fine with that explanation.

Andy continues to struggle with the tremors in his right hand and chin. His left hand is shaking now, too, as is his right foot. It doesn't seem to be causing him anxiety, though, which is probably a result of medication. I've noticed that the tremors in his hands are very significant if he holds his hands up. If I push his hand down along his side, the tremors stop (at least for a while). Then I take my hand off his, and he raises his hand again, which causes the tremors again. It seems like his hand naturally wants to be closer to his core. I believe this is a Parkinson's symptom. His body wants to close in. 

There have been a number of deaths in families close to me recently: a friend's father, another friend's father-in-law and one of Andy's cousins. These are just good reminders that this life is not all there is...it's only preparation for the life to come, where there will be no sickness or death. 

I love to read 1 Corinthians 15 - the resurrection chapter. Jesus rising from the dead was the greatest victory possible. He conquered death forever, and we no longer need to fear it. 

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (verse 55)

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (verse 57)

This is great incentive to continue in our walk with the Lord, faithfully living a life of faith until He returns for us. Paul continues to exhort: "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you." (verse 58)

A long obedience in the same direction...do not give up or grow weary. God is faithful and will provide what we need when we need it.