Spring in February??? Bring it on, even though it can't last long...and already we're back to more wintry weather today. 

But having a couple of days in the 60's and 70's was a welcome treat. I met Dawn at Care One with her kids on Tuesday. We spent some time with Andy and he seemed more alert and tuned in than he had been for a while. He loves the kids.

Then surprise, surprise...Amy came down on Wednesday afternoon. She and her kids and I hiked up and down and around Mount Laurel before going over to spend a little time with Andy.

 

 

When we got to Care One, Andy was lying down on his bed in his room. We all walked in and as I opened his door, I said, "Andy, someone's here to visit with you." He sat up and when he saw Amy and the kids, his eyes lit up, and he was energized to get up and come out to the lobby to spend some time with us.

 The ice cream parlor is a treat whenever we are there.

Then Saturday morning, I asked Dawn if she was available to go on a hike with me and she graciously agreed to go with me. She only took Cole and that was easy since he was carried on her back. It was a 3 mile hike, so it got long for him, but Dawn had a package of Cheez-its. I kept on handing him one Cheez-it at a time and he was contented. 

 It was such a nice day we didn't even need a jacket. 

Earlier in the week, I was asked how I was doing. I took the opportunity to tell how worried I was about the future. How I didn't know if I would have enough money to keep Andy in the nursing facility. And when my money ran out, would I have to move him to another facility, and it all seemed so overwhelming.

The rest of the week, I was really troubled by my worry, lack of faith and trust in the goodness of God. Then last night I was reading in Numbers when the twelve spies brought back a negative report to the Israelites. God was really angry with them because they didn't remember how he had led them and provided for them up till that point. He said, "How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed among them?"

This really spoke to my heart. Worrying and not trusting God is actually treating him with contempt. When the future is unknown, I need to remind myself how God provided for me in the past. Remember how many people gave me encouragement at just the right time, the cards, financial help, lunches, dinners, meals, etc. that people gave at God's prompting.

So I have resolved that for now, I will not think about what happens two years from now. I will focus on enjoying each day and what it holds now in the present and will do so for this whole year. And I will not even make a plan for what happens after this year, but will trust that God will give me wisdom then for that time.

Of course, this is not something I can do in my own strength, so I'm trusting that God will help me grow in this area. He lives in me, and apart from him I can do nothing.

I came across an article that ministered to what I had written about several weeks ago. The Unwelcome Gift of Waiting - ugh! Who likes to wait? We're so used to instant everything. I can't stand it when I turn on my computer and it doesn't instantly boot up. But isn't it so true that when we wait for something, we are all the more gratified when the thing is realized? 

The article was written by Vaneetha Rendall Risner who wrote a book that I think I need to purchase: The Scars that have Shaped Me. Several of her quotes in the article resonate with me:

 “Waiting is not just about what I get at the end of the wait, but about who I become as I wait.”

 “As we wait by faith, we don’t hold on to a particular outcome. We hold on to God.” 

 “God knows what I need. I do not. He sees the future. I cannot. His perspective is eternal. Mine is not.”

There are a lot of verses that encourage us to wait on God. So it must not be just a 21st century problem. One of my favorite verses on waiting is Isaiah 64:4 - "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." 

If we wait on him and his timing, he will do the work. And after all, he's a lot more creative than we are in working all things out for his glory and our good.

Another year older...yes, I had a birthday this past week. I'm not one to tell how old I am, but as my aunt often says: "another year older is better than the alternative." Truly, life is a gift and I'm grateful.

I received this beautiful bouquet on Monday from a group of friends. It brought joy to my heart all week as I looked at it on my desk and smelled the delightful fragrance of the blossoms. I also got cards and fb well wishes from my friends and family. I felt loved - another gift I'm grateful for.

Speaking of life...I had an appointment at a funeral parlor on Tuesday to begin discussions about funeral arrangements for Andy and me. I confess that after I left, I was feeling a bit low. Although I know we're all terminal, it can be disconcerting to think about and actually plan your funeral. I was also not happy about how much it was going to cost. I've been advised that it's prudent to pay your funeral expenses now to help in the spend down of your assets to qualify you for Medi-caid. 

Thinking of writing a check for thousands of dollars got me on the worry track again. But God is so good and is helping me to realize where my mind is going. He brought me back on track before I spent too many empty moments on future scenarios. I was reading Proverbs 2 and 3 on Wednesday morning when I came to the verses that the Lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and discernment (Proverbs 2:6). I asked the Lord right then and there for that wisdom and to lead me in the right direction when it comes to spending money. After all, it's His money, not mine or Andy's. It is given to us to be stewards of, and I do want to be a good steward of his money and not spend it foolishly or needlessly.

Then later in chapter 3, I read these verses (25, 26): "Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared." 

Have no fear! This was such a comfort to me...the Lord will be my confidence (not how much money I have left over)!

I read some amazing portions in my devotional reading this week. I'm continuing to read Spurgeon's Morning and Evening every day. I also read all of Nancy Guthrie's Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow this week.

 

Here are some gems I wrote down from this week's reading:

"Our disappointments reveal that we don't value the eternal promises of God as much as we want him to fix what we see as our most significant problems. We think that our physical life is of ultimate importance. We have a hard time grasping the significance and reality of the life to come." (Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 37)

"Trials make room for consolation. We are 'happiest' in our trials because then we have the closest dealings with God." "Out of the depths, I cry to you, O Lord" (Psalm 130:1). (Morning and Evening)

"Our prayers tend to be inconsistent, self-centered and energized more by a desire to get what we want from God than to enter into what He wants. But there is One who prays for us whose prayers are never insincere and misguided. His prayers are earnest to the core. He is the only truly righteous person who ever lived. So certainly the earnest prayers of this righteous person have great power and produce wonderful results." (Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 62)

"He who made no mistakes in balancing the clouds and meting out the heavens, commits no errors in measuring out the ingredients which compose the medicine of souls." (Spurgeon, quoted in Hearing Jesus Speak..., page 83)

 "When we are weakened by the loss in our lives and Christ's power moves in, making us content when we don't have what we need, joyful in the midst of great sadness, and at rest in the midst of chaos, GOD IS GLORIFIED." (Hearing Jesus Speak...,page 116)

"Contentment is one of the flowers of heaven. It must be cultivated. It will not grow in us by nature. The new nature alone can produce it, and even then we must carefully and watchfully maintain and cultivate the grace that God has sown in us...Am I a diligent pupil in the College of Contentment?" (Spurgeon, Morning and Evening)

Did you notice the recurring theme...contentment? When we take our eyes off Jesus and focus on our circumstances, we will inevitably become disillusioned, despondent and discouraged. 

We are enjoying incredible weather right in the middle of February. And I was able to take advantage of it by hiking with a friend yesterday. We went to Rancocas State Park again - it's one of my favorites. We enjoyed blue water, blue sky and all on the blue blaze trail.

 

We enjoy so many blessings because of being children of God. I heard a song - new to me - by Selah: I Got Saved.

There is a river of gladness
That pours from Emmanuel's veins
This sinner was plunged beneath the flood
And got saved

Since then I walk in forgiveness
All of my guilt was erased
The chains of the past
Are broken at last
I got saved
Oh, I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've received nothing but goodness
I've tested and tasted Your grace
I was so lost
'Til I fell at the cross
And got saved
Oh, I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

The love of God
Gave me His pardon
The love of God
Won't let me stay the same
The love of God
Pulls me up higher
His will is stronger
That's why I got saved

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I'm undone by the mercy of Jesus
I'm undone by the goodness of the Lord
I'm restored and made right
He got a hold of my life
I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've got Jesus
How could I want more

I've got Jesus
How could I want more
"I Got Saved" written Jennie Riddle, Corey Voss & @crystalyates for the upcoming Selah 2017 album.

If I've got Jesus...how could I want more? I have all that I need in Him. "I've received nothing but goodness, I've tested and tasted His grace." "I was so lost till I fell at the cross." He lavishes his grace, mercy and love on me continually.

"How long, O Lord?"

In our grief share support group, the last lesson focused on the why question that a lot of people struggle with when a loved one dies. I myself, have not asked that question. I don't have a problem with the sovereignty of God. After all, everyone is terminal. In my defense, I don't think this means I'm hard hearted because I do hurt emotionally when someone close to me dies. Perhaps it's more an indication of my personality to be accepting of what God allows so that I don't question the why of that death. 

But I do struggle with another question: "How long, O Lord?" I can echo Job and the psalmist as recorded in God's Word.

Job 7:4 ~ "When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?' The night drags on and I toss till dawn."

Psalm 6:3 ~ "My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long?"

Psalm 13:2 ~ "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy (Alzheimers and Parkinsons diseases) triumph over me?"

Andy's struggle is in its fourth year. And who knows (only God does) how long it will go on. I feel badly for his pain, and I feel badly for my pain, as well. I don't like to see him suffer. He expresses his desire for it to be over so he can be with Jesus. And because I love him, I ache for him to suffer like this and wish for his sake, his struggle would be over.

But...God reminded me of several things as I was thinking of this.

Do you know Jesus also asked this question? Matthew, Mark and Luke all record Jesus being frustrated with his disciples and asking, "How long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?" (Matthew 17:17, Mark 9:19, Luke 9:41)

Jesus was with his disciples three years, which at the time, seemed long to him. 

I also was reminded that 3-4 years is short compared to how long some people have to endure their particular crisis. There's a woman in our church with a 43 year old daughter who has the mental capacity of a 3-year old. Can you imagine caring for a person for that length of time? There's no end in sight. Or another family in our church who has had a daughter, now a teenager, with severe CP, in and out of the hospital multiple times and severely disabled. And what about Joni Earickson Tada who has been paralyzed from the neck down for nearly 50 years.

What I have discovered is that these people who have lived with these difficult situations for many years have experienced God's all-sufficiency in a deep and meaningful way. I was reading in Morning and Evening this morning a commentary on 2 Corinthians 1:5.

2 Corinthians 1:5 ~ "For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort, also."

Spurgeon says there is a perfect balance between our trials and their consolations. He says that "trials make more room for consolation. Great hearts can only be made by great troubles." He says we are often happiest in our troubles because "then we have the closest dealings with God...There is no cry so good as that which comes from the bottom of the mountains, no prayer half so hearty as that which comes up from the depths of the soul, through deep trials and afflictions. They bring us to God and we are happier; for nearness to God is happiness."

I can say a resounding "amen" to these thoughts. I have found that God is so precious to me, the relationship I have with him is so dear. But it is all the more meaningful because I have experienced his all-sufficiency as I've walked through the darkest valleys. 

Nancy Guthrie in Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, writes that "the way of Jesus is paradox. On the surface of things, we have a hard time making sense of it. But deep down, we know it is true." 

I met Dawn at Care One on Tuesday morning so she could see her dad. I am happy to meet her there to help her with the kids while we visit with Andy. This past week when we were there, some of the residents were playing rhythm instruments along with a music cd that was playing. Andy was right on with his rhythm - he hasn't lost that musical ability.

I've been experimenting with making smaller recipes. Most of the recipes I make for my dinners last 2-3 meals. That's fine - I don't mind leftovers and it's saving enormously on my grocery bill. Isn't this cute? I thought it would be one serving of rice, but it lasted me two meals.

We got some snow this week. I like to look at the snow but am a chicken to drive in it. I asked someone to drive me to work on Thursday because I wasn't sure how long the snow was going to keep coming down or how deep it would get. Thankfully, it stopped snowing by mid-morning, the sun came out, the parking lot was being cleared - life was good! So I had my same driver take me home to get my car so I could then go back to work and stay as long as I needed to.

Yesterday was Christy's birthday and I invited myself over to her house for a couple of hours. I didn't see much of her because she and Christian had an errand to do in the city, then they had lunch together - just by themselves. But I had a fantastic time with the kids. We had lunch together and played a lot of games. And I can't believe I didn't take one picture of them. I guess I'll just have to go back again soon! (like I needed an excuse!) 

As much fun as it is to have all the grandkids together - all in one place, it's hard to spend any one-on-one time with them since they're more interested in playing with each other. That's good because it's happy to see them enjoying their cousins. But years ago, when the kids began coming fast and furiously, we decided to start the tradition of having each child over to spend the night and the next day on their birthdays. This has been a lot of fun over the years but because of Andy's illness and all the care he required from me, we had to suspend that tradition all last year.

Now that Andy's being cared for by Care One Harmony Village, I decided if the kids wanted to, I'd like to have them over again this year. I wasn't sure how the boys would feel about that since their Poppop wouldn't be here. After all, he was a lot of fun and would ride the bikes with the boys, set up a target and shoot the bb gun or the bows and arrows. Would the boys be happy spending the time with me??? 

I floated the idea and question to Christy, and there was no hesitation from Asher. His birthday is the first in the year, and he was so excited about the prospect of coming over to Grammy's house. He made up his list of what he wanted to do while here with me.

I'm glad he included "go to sleep" on the list! We had a wonderful time together, watching a movie, playing games, eating ice cream (this was an extra not on the list)

and taking a hike.

After lunch we went over to visit with Andy. Asher played a few pieces on the piano for him and the other residents who happened to be out in the lobby.
 

We had a wonderful time. Asher said it "was the best birthday ever!" And it was a marvelous break from the routine of my life - a definite bright spot.

Asher had requested strawberry pie for his dessert, rather than a cake. I offered to make it but wasn't too happy with the way it turned out the previous time I had made it. Then a couple days before, I saw an idea that I thought might work better, making a shortbread crust instead of a regular pie crust. That actually worked out really well for a couple of reasons. One pie for all of us just isn't enough unless you cut the slices really small and thr shortbread crust was enough for a 9x13 pan. Another is that a shortbread crust would taste better (butter and sugar - yum!). It was a hit! Strawberries any time are a treat, but especially in January!

And make sure you slather lots of whipped cream on top!

  
Making a wish and blowing out the candles.
 

I was very thankful for the lovely beginning to the week. 

Andy was admitted to the memory care facility as a 30 day respite patient. After the first 30 days, he rolled over into another 30 days while I tried to nail down my finances and how I was going to pay for his care. By Wednesday, I was ready to submit the application. When I did so, I was given a sheet with what I owed. I was a little unprepared for the shock of one-time, first month fees. So early Thursday morning, I had to call my financial agent to let him know I needed more money and how much. After work, he gave me a call to inform me I needed to sign some documents, then fax them to NWM for them to release the money I needed. I also needed to go to my bank to move some money around to keep my checks to Care One from bouncing until NWM got the money into my accounts. 

All this was on my mind...yes, I was very distracted. So as I got in my car to take care of these details, I forgot to open the garage door before I backed out. Ugh! Now I'm stuck and can't go anywhere. Fortunately, Andy's brother was here at the house with his mom and dad. I had to eat humble pie and ask Dan and his dad to see if they could open the garage door so I could get out. They worked on the door for about an hour to disassemble it before they were able to get it open. It was very bent and out of whack. 

Another fortunate detail is that I know someone from church who repairs garage doors. This is thanks to Andy who knew lots of people and their abilities and expertise. So I called him to tell him what I did and could he help. He said that would be easy to fix and he would come over to assess what needed to be done. After he was here, he said it wasn't as easy as what he thought and would require a little more - but it could be fixed. He is working on it right now and it's looking good!

It's hard to know how to answer people when they ask how Andy's doing. It's very meaningful to me that people ask - it's an indication that they care. The difficulty in answering, though, is that sometimes he's doing pretty well and other times, pretty bad. One day last week, he didn't feel well at all. He had diarrhea and severe tremors in his hand. Because of the tremors, he wasn't going to eat, so I fed him. 

The next night I visited, he was fixated on needing to call JH, with whom he had worked 20 years ago. He was determined he needed to talk to him about a project they were working on and was upset that someone was stealing from the job. I tried to distract him and tell him I would call JH later. But he was insistent that he needed to talk to him now. I finally got firm and said, "Andy, I'm not going to call JH." Then he was fine and dropped the subject. He was obviously anxious about this, though, and it was weighing on him because he had a hard time concentrating on my reading to him the rest of the evening. 

Another night, he told me with tears in his eyes, "I just want to go and be with Jesus." I agreed with him that that would be wonderful, then I played him a song I had recently purchased on itunes:

Soon
 Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness and crowned with love
When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I’ll be going
To the place He has prepared for me
There my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders 'round the throne
At His feet I’ll lay my crowns My worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon
   2010 Hillsong Church T A Hillsong Music Australia  

I have been playing this song to myself once or twice (sometimes more) every day and it has really ministered to me to think of being with Jesus soon - the One I love. I'm so glad I was able to play it for Andy.

This month is our biggest month for birthdays. Asher's was Jan. 31 (almost Feb.), then Cole's is Feb. 1, Dawn's is Feb. 3, Kasey's is Feb. 8, Christy's is Feb. 11 and mine is Feb. 13. So of course, we had to celebrate. Everyone was able to come down yesterday for a meal together. We served two kinds of soups, homemade rolls, with carrot cake and ice cream. The kids had a lovely time playing together and the adults enjoyed conversation around the table. It was a great ending to a long day for me. 

My Saturdays tend to be pretty long. I get a lot done, but then it's done and I'm not sure what to do the rest of the day. After a while, I'm tired of reading, one or two games of Scrabble is enough, laundry is done...what else is there? So having a house full of kids and family is a perfect distraction. I no longer feel alone or lonely, and my house is far from quiet!

 

The Birthday People

I've been reading to Andy every night when I visit him. I started reading through the Psalms. I don't think he always understands what I'm reading. Sometimes he seems to, but other times he interrupts me with whatever he's "working" on. But I'm hoping that there are bits that sometimes sink in and register with him and bring him comfort. If not him, at the least, I'm gaining some comfort myself.

Tonight I was reading Psalm 46. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." (verses 1-3)

In Pastor's sermon this morning, he mentioned that the most often repeated command in Scripture is, "Don't be afraid," or "fear not." I remember him saying this in previous sermons, and it's a good reminder. God doesn't just give us this command and leave it at that, but he follows it up with, "for I am with you." 

And later in Psalm 46, the psalmist tells us to "Be still and know that I am God..." (verse 10) and in verse 11: "The Lord Almighty is with us." The great God who created the universe, then stooped down to shower us with his love and grace in the person of Jesus, His Son - that God is with me, guiding, directing, going with me every step of the way.