Asher's Birthday

One of the things that grief teaches us is that time does not heal all wounds. "God is the source of healing, but God isn't a magic wand." (From Grieving with Hope by Samuel J. Hodges and Kathy Leonard) This past week was the 40th anniversary of our little boy's birth. In one sense, it seems like ages ago and no, the pain isn't as raw as when he was still born. But on the other hand, I still tear up when I think about that experience. It was a devastating loss. 

Another thing I've learned is that God uses suffering for good. I just finished reading the Genesis account of Joseph, who after his father died and his brothers came to him in fear to offer themselves as his slaves because of their treatment of him, actually wept as he explained to them how God used his experience to save many people. God used it for good. Romans 8:28 tells us that the good God speaks of is us becoming more like Christ. 

Sometimes I feel like I have a lot to learn. I still have many rough edges to be filed off. But I was encouraged this week as I met with a friend on Saturday morning. She thought I was looking good...like I seemed at peace. And I do feel that way. I think a big difference in turning the corner for me was my acceptance and surrender to God's plan for me. This is really one of the keys to getting through grief - surrender. Holding on tight to my plans and dreams and expectations of how life should be only makes the grief so much harder to heal from. Allowing God to write my story, trusting him to bring good out of every situation, surrendering to his plan - is the only way to find peace.

The peace I've been experiencing has motivated me to be more active in the kitchen. I've enjoyed Chick-Fil-A's avocado lime ranch dressing for their salads but can't find it in any grocery store. So I googled it and found a recipe. I bought the ingredients and voila!!!

 

It passed the taste test. It has a little kick to it with a serrano pepper as one of the ingredients. I wasn't sure I would like that, but it is very tasty.

Then I also made two strawberry pies to take with us today to celebrate Asher's birthday. 
 

Andy and I went to C & C's church today. Christy and Grace played the offertory and did a fantastic job on one of my favorite hymns: Oh, the Deep Deep Love of Jesus.  I was sitting there listening, praising God for the beautiful music, the meaningful words to that song, as well as thanking God that all the money we spent on piano lessons was not wasted!

I would have loved to have recorded them but thought that might be kind of tacky holding up a cell phone in church (even if I am the proud mother and grandmother!).

After church, we went to their house for lunch and pie and giving presents to the birthday boy. He was very happy with everything he got. In fact he was so happy with his presents, he forgot to eat his pie.

Andy seems to be doing better in the car. He's making the effort not to say anything about my driving and I'm making the effort to not drive too fast. (I'm only going 2 miles over the speed limit instead of --------!)

Then at one point, after we went through a toll booth, Andy asked me if I was getting reimbursed for my travel expenses. I said no, but I budget for it and we would be ok. He obviously was trying to process that information, because later he took his wallet out and got out some money to hand it to me. I asked him what he was doing and he said he wanted to help me. Oh boy. It made me wonder if he thought I was someone else providing a ride for him and he needed to reimburse me. 

He's been talking to me in the third person at times. One day this week, he told me he wanted to ask Phyllis to drive him over for a hair cut. Then another day, my phone rang while I was in another room. He answered it, then brought it to me and told me it was for Phyllis.

Well, we have a lot of birthdays coming up. This is a busy time in our family. Asher's birthday is today. Tomorrow, Baby Boy Sherf will be born. Then Dawn's birthday is Wednesday, Kasey's is next Monday, Christy's is the 11th and mine is the 13th. 

Let the fun begin!

Snow Storm of the Century

Since we're not that far into the century, it might be premature to say this was the snow storm of the century. But Dawn told me this morning that this ranks as one of the top 5 most severe snow storms in recorded history. Interesting little tidbit of info, right?

Tommy came over Friday night to get the snow blower out of the shed and prepare for Saturday's snow. It's a good thing he did because as he was looking it over, he discovered it needed a little fixing up. I'm not sure what that was, but I was helpful in holding it while he did the work.

Then while he did a little more prep work, Dawn and the girls came inside where it was warm.

 That's a lap-full!

Saturday was one long day of snow, snow, snow. Tommy and his father-in-law came over and with 2 snow blowers went to work. 

The snow was already deep and they worked really hard till they got it done. Then off they went to do someone else's place.

Being in the house all day, I needed something to do so kept the oven going making 2 batches of cookies. It helped to keep the house warm and cozy - and provided comfort food as well as payment to a certain son-in-law who worked so hard.

 

Later, toward evening, they came back to make another pass. That time didn't take as long and Kira came along to play with Andy and me while her daddy was working.

Sheriff Kira, with Pop-pop the prisoner!

The storm finally left our area, but not before dumping over 20 inches of snow. Today, the sun was brilliant and the skies were amazingly blue. It was a glorious day. Tommy and family came over again this morning. Tommy wanted to make one last pass with the snow blower. I'm glad he did come over because the driveway at the street was blocked with large ice/snow boulders from the snow plows. He had to shovel that clear before getting to work on the rest of the driveway. Dawn and the girls came in the house to have some coffee and together time with us while Tommy did the work.

She loves taking selfies!

Hmmm...what kind of fun things are in Grammy's purse?

 

What a difference today is - how beautiful that snow is. 

I'm so thankful for our family and I was struck with the concept of how God values family, too, when I read in Your Father Loves You (J.I. Packer) his devotional for March 22. (I know we're still in January, but I read ahead, ok?!)

Packer was commenting on Romans 8:28-29 on the phrase that God foreknew us. He said that in this verse, "foreknew" really means "foreloved." He continues by explaining: "Often in Scripture, knowing includes the idea of affection, as when a husband knows his wife or a friends knows a friend. God, then foreloved us and predestined us to be conformed to Jesus."

"To the question, 'What did God want out of this world with its sin, fallenness, and confusion?' one true answer is, 'He wanted an extended family.' He has one Son, we might say, and wanted more. Of course there are differences between Jesus and the rest of God's sons and daughters. Jesus is the eternal Son of God by nature while we are God's children through Jesus by adoption and grace. Nevertheless, the glorious truth about redemption is that God wanted to extend his family and have many, many people with him for all eternity bearing the family likeness: 'a great multitude which no man could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and tongues' (Rev. 7:9). That was why he sent his Son to die for us and now sends his Spirit to call us to faith, keep us in faith, and renew us in Jesus' image."

In meditating on this concept, I couldn't help but think that any time a daughter announces she's going to have another baby, what joy and celebration we feel at the thought of another little person joining our family. I think I would be happy if we had 100 grandchildren. Just keep having babies, girls! Each child is precious, unique and special. 

I don't know that I ever thought about the fact that God feels the same about adding people to his family. Maybe having our own children and grandchildren helps in understanding that feeling. I love having our whole clan at our house, sitting around our table, being together. It's a beautiful picture of our fellowship in the family of God in heaven around his table one day.

Looking at this picture fills me with delight. And consider this verse in Zephaniah 3:17:
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

It was nice to have the snow storm to give our minds a break from the routine.

Earlier in the week, we had an appointment with a representative from a home health aide agency. She came to the house to assess our situation. Andy and I both really liked her and are excited about the chance I will have in another 6 weeks to get away for 2 days, leaving Andy at home. It was a good visit and we worked out some details of how things will be taken care of while I'm gone. 

Her visit, though, added to Andy's confusion. After she left, he kept thinking I was the care giver. After dinner that evening, he asked me if I liked to cook. I said I did. Then he asked another question that revealed he didn't know he was talking to me. (So many confusing conversations take place, it's hard to remember every detail.) Later that evening, I came out of the bedroom with my robe on, dressed for bed. At that point, he asked me if I was going to spend the night. I told him I was. Then he asked if I was sure I didn't want to go home. I told him I was home. He looked confused so I told him I was his wife. At that point, he buried his face in his hands and said he was so embarrassed. Poor guy!

Since then, he keeps asking when I'm going away, and how long I'll be gone, and when I'll be back, and what I'll be doing, and who I'll be going with. I keep giving him the details as he asks. Sometimes, he realizes he's heard the answer before, other times, it's new information. I'm happy to say that I think the Lord is giving me the patience I've been asking him for. How good he is to me.


On Wednesday morning, I took Andy to his neuropsychologist because the dentist recommended it after the trauma of last week. He continued to be so confused. It seemed like his disease was progressing rapidly. So the doctor made note of everything I related to him, was empathetic and encouraging, but what else could he do? The disease is progressive and Andy will never get better. 

During the doctor visit, Andy was asked if he knew what year it was. Andy answered it was, "2007." Then the doctor asked him if he knew what month it was. Andy said no. Then when the doctor asked what season we were in, he gave him multiple choice: "summer, spring, fall or winter?" Andy got that one right!

And there again, I read in Your Father Loves You, in the March 20th reading, a beautiful truth about the grace of God. "Grace is God drawing sinners closer and closer to him. How does God in grace prosecute this purpose? Not by shielding us from assault by the world, the flesh and the devil, nor by protecting us from burdensome and frustrating circumstances, nor yet by shielding us from troubles created by our own temperament and psychology, but rather by exposing us to all these things, so as to overwhelm us with a sense of our own inadequacy, and to drive us to cling to him more closely. This is the ultimate reason, from our standpoint, why God fills our lives with troubles and perplexities of one sort and another - it is to ensure that we shall learn to hold him fast."

And we have this assurance, that the troubles in this life are momentary in comparison to the glory of all eternity stretching out ahead. One day we shall see our Lord and Savior face to face, and the things of this earth will grow strangely dim. Oh glorious day!

God's Glory, My Good

Every year I write a Christmas letter that I send to our family members and friends, mostly those who live far from us, out of state. This year's letter was really a recounting of the blessings we enjoy, even in the midst of pain and suffering. I have been so encouraged to receive emails and some personal feedback on that letter. What is so encouraging is that God is using my own pain and focus on what God is doing in my pain to minister to others. And actually, when I've received the encouragement from others, it's usually been when I'm feeling down or sorry for myself. So God uses my own words to build myself back up. How kind and patient he is with me. I thought I would include that letter here as a reminder, once again, of how God is ministering to me:

December 2015

Dear Family and Friends,

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Luke 1:38

What an amazing response to the announcement that she was going to be the mother of the Messiah. The Lord really impressed on me that this is an attitude that I wanted to display in my own heart: not digging in my heels or clenching my fists to resist his work, but humbly accepting “bad” as well as good from His hand.

God has used Mary’s attitude to greatly minister to me. My eyes have been opened to the many blessings he has given us. Andy’s Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s illnesses may be deemed horrific and they are. But shall we accept good from God and not trouble? (Job 2:10)

Here are just a few of the blessings we enjoy from the “Blessed Controller of All Things” (1 Timothy 6:15, Phillips translation).

1

  As you can see from our card, God has blessed us with a beautiful family. Three daughters and their husbands have given us 10 grandchildren with 1 more due on Feb. 1. Christy has 5 children, ages 14, 12, 10, 7 & 4; Dawn has 2 children, ages 6, 1½ and one more on the way; Amy has 3 children, ages 9, 7, 5.

2

Another blessing is our church family, who has continued to minister to us. Many friends have stood with us, prayed for us, encouraged us and not abandoned us.

3

 Andy and I have discovered and enjoyed many parks in the county in which we live. Yes, even in South Jersey! Hiking is something we can both do, and we are reaping the benefits of nature therapy!

4

 We are in a season of acceptance of the “new normal.” Andy’s forgetfulness and confusion are not improving, but he is feeling healthy and well. We are enjoying our relationship and will soon be celebrating our 42^nd anniversary! 
5 But even if we enjoyed none of these gifts, we still know the Giver! I was reading in New Morning Mercies about our thanksgiving and was challenged by the author, Paul Tripp, to "never let our enthusiasm for the gifts replace our worship of and service for the Giver." Even if our family is somehow not in our life any more, even if our health is gone, even if we can't get out and enjoy nature as we'd like, God is still good and blesses us with his presence, his everlasting love, his kindness, grace, mercy and abundant life in him. Because Jesus became a baby, put on flesh like one of us, accomplished our salvation by his death on the cross, we have everything we need for this life and the next.

We enjoy Christmas this year because of the best Gift of all! We wish that for you as well.

Andy & Phyllis

This was a good week to put into practice what I believe about God being the "blessed controller of all things." A month or so ago, Andy lost a piece off one of his teeth. I contacted our dentist, a dear friend who attends our church and loves us like we're her own parents. She felt the tooth needed to be built up because if it wasn't taken care of, it would lead to greater problems in the future. We contacted our insurance with her proposal for the work, and they wrote back how much it would cost and that they would not cover it. In the meantime, we were in the middle of the Christmas and New Year holidays. I was beginning to wonder if our dentist was still going to take care of this and determined I would call her on Wednesday. Well, on Tuesday her receptionist called to set up an appointment. She said the Dr. felt we couldn't wait any longer and to come in the next day. The only appointment available at that short notice was at 9:00 in the morning. So I took off work to take Andy to his appointment. 

The Dr. used an anesthesia to numb the area and she noticed Andy was getting anxious. She stopped the anesthesia immediately and administered oxygen which is a calmer. She made a note in his file to never use that particular anesthesia on him again. The work took about an hour and a half and everything seemed to be fine. 

The next day, Andy complained about a headache. He stayed home in bed while I went to work. About an hour into my time, he called to say he wanted to take some medicine for his headache. I told him it was ok to take some ibuprofen. He said he didn't know where it was. I told him it was in the bathroom closet. A few minutes later, he called back to say he still couldn't find the medicine. So I went home and got him a couple of pills and gave them to him. On my way out of the bedroom, I noticed a bottle of aspirin. I asked him if he had taken any aspirin and he said he had. Aghghgghh! I didn't think it was a good idea to take aspirin and ibuprofen and told him so (in a calm voice!!!). He said he had taken it awhile ago, but that wasn't the case because I hadn't been at work that long. Fortunately, there were no ill effects from that.

He stayed in bed most of the day and that night after he was in bed, I was sitting in my chair, reading my Bible. He came out of the bedroom and started wandering into the living room. I asked him where he was going and he said he needed the bathroom. I told him it was in our bedroom and helped him over there. It didn't get any better from there. He was very upset and agitated and couldn't express to me what was wrong. I finally laid down next to him on the bed and stroked his arm and spoke calmly and soothingly to him. He finally calmed down enough for me to leave. 

On Friday, he seemed to feel a lot better. His headache was gone, but he was very confused. Every conversation he tried to start ended in a confusing jumble. I had no idea where he was going or what he wanted to say. He was still also agitated and anxious.

The same thing happened at night time as the night before. He came out of the bedroom very confused and upset. It was difficult to understand what was the problem because he couldn't verbalize it or explain it. It was all pretty irrational.

On Saturday morning, he actually broke down, with tears in his eyes, pleaded with me to take him to the hospital. I asked him why and he said he felt terrible. When asked what hurt, he couldn't explain it. We dealt with this for a while, him trying to tell me how he felt but failing, and me trying to understand and figure out what to do.

I felt that some nature therapy might be helpful but I was so exhausted myself. It had been hard to relax the previous two nights and get the sleep I needed after trying to calm him down. I just had no energy to get up and out. 

Finally, I asked Andy if he minded if I texted the dentist to find out if the anesthesia she had administered was still in his system and causing his anxiety. He was relieved with that idea, so I contacted her and she called me back. Her understanding and care were so helpful. She said the anesthesia would have been out of his system in 3 hours, so that wasn't the problem. What he was dealing with was trying to figure out why he was anxious, but because of his Alzheimer's, his reasoning process was just leading him nowhere - causing his deep distress. When I explained that to Andy, he visibly relaxed and agreed that that was what he was dealing with. Poor guy!

I had read in some Alzheimer's literature at one time, that any time a patient with dementia is administered an anesthetic, it can cause set backs in the memory. 

I don't know if there is still a problem. He seems to be much better emotionally, not anxious today. But he is very confused and none of his sentences make sense - and I do mean NONE. This is not an exaggeration.

He continually thinks other people are in the house. Or if we go on a hike, he'll ask if we're taking anyone with us. Or when we get there, he'll ask if we need to wait for someone to join us. Then when we're hiking, he'll ask where everybody is. It happens often, sometimes as many as 3 or 4 times in one outing. 

This morning as I was doing my hair, he came to the bathroom and told me he needed to talk to me about something. I listened and he said, "I think I'm having a problem with my memory." Oh really?????

This afternoon as we were driving home from our hike, we drove by Dawn & Tommy's house. He knew where we were, obviously, because he asked me if I'd ever been to Phyllis and Tommy's house. I said do you mean Dawn and Tommy? He agreed I was right. And I told him I'd been there many times. 

In a way, this is very sad. In another way, I'm amazed that God is enabling me to deal with this without falling apart. He's giving me the patience I've prayed for. He's giving me enabling strength to endure. 

I feel sorry for him. He tries so hard to express his thoughts. The problem is that he doesn't even know what he's thinking. He'll start on a idea, but can't finish it. I try to help him and understand what he's trying to say, but most of the time, it's impossible because his words are so jumbled up.

I finished reading Grieving with Hope. What a helpful book. I continue to grow in my understanding of God's purpose for us in this world. Life is a good gift, but this world is not our home. Many verses in Scripture remind us that this life is temporary and preparation for our life in eternity. Our goal in this life is to know God and sometimes, the best way to knowing him is to experience him in our deepest needs. We find out how desperately we need him. We are not independent, self sufficient people. 

One of the chapters in Grieving With Hope is: What Grief Teaches Us. He quotes Paul Tripp in the chapter heading:  "God will take us where we do not want to go in order to produce in us what we could not achieve on our own." And here are some of the things grief teaches us:

1. God uses suffering to help us grow.

2. Joy and pain can coexist.

3. Time doesn't heal all wounds..."God is the source of healing, but God isn't a magic wand."

4. You harvest what you sow.

5. Life was always out of control, but God is sovereign (in control)

6. God takes no pleasure in [anyone's] death.

7. Resetting your expectations.

8. God uses suffering for good. 

I highly recommend this book and will keep it handy to read again soon.

We did get out on Tuesday afternoon to hike in the Black Run Preserve again. It has become another favorite.

Then today after lunch we went out again, this time to Smithville Lake. It was pretty cold today - 38 degrees. In fact, as we were finishing up and heading to our car, it started to snow. 

Isn't this an unusual tree?

Romans 8:28-29

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers (and sisters).

Grieving with Hope

A couple of days ago, one of our pastors asked me to order a book for him, Grieving with Hope by Samuel J. Hodges, IV and Kathy Leonard. In the process of ordering, I was interested to read some of the reviews, then decided to order a copy of the book for myself, too.

The book arrived a day ago and I've already begun reading. Because of the busyness of the holidays, I had not been reading as much and I missed the spiritual challenge. I had asked God to lead me to new reading material and here was his answer. 

Although this book deals with the death of a loved one, it has been very helpful to me. In many ways, I feel like I'm already a widow. There has been significant loss: a husband I can confide in, rely on, have significant conversations with, look to for wisdom and insight and help in making decisions, etc.

Chapter 4 deals with Healthy Ways to Relieve Your Pain, some of which are: 
1. listen to music
2. spend time outdoors
3. get a pet - (NO - not this girl!)
4. write in a journal (or blog)
5. serve others
6. read the psalms
7. go to God

I knew it was good to be outside, but there it is in writing. They say that  "not only are there physical benefits from the exercise and fresh air, but there are mental and spiritual benefits, too. Spending time in nature reminds us of the beauty and intricacies of God's creation. Just as many writers in the Bible have discovered, looking at the trees, the sky, and the sun takes your mind off negative thoughts and inspires worship of the Creator."

We didn't go out yesterday, Saturday. I got involved in laundry, grocery shopping and housework. I made 3 loaves of chocolate chip pumpkin bread, which Andy eats as his snack at various times throughout the day. 

It rained all night and into the morning today. I didn't think we would be able to go out but then after lunch, we began to see patches of blue sky. I made the decision to go to Pakim Pond in the Brendan T. Byrne State Forest. We parked at the ranger station and hiked 3 miles to the pond. The weather was gorgeous - unseasonably warm. It felt more like spring or fall at 64 degrees. We hiked in our shirts, taking off our jackets. There are a lot of evergreens in this forest which adds greatly to the beauty of the path. It's an easy trail, sandy and covered with pine needles.

 


I was probably overly ambitious to try to hike 3 miles but it's such a lovely path on a warm day, so why not? And it had been a long time since we'd been to the cedar swamp section on this trail. I always enjoyed the beautiful Atlantic white cedar trees. Many years ago, Andy told me a few tidbits about this tree that I thought were interesting. He said that these trees were used in colonial times as masts for their boats because they grew tall and straight and were resistant to decay. They are fairly rare, though, because they require pretty specific habitat for growth. They thrive in wet or swampy ground and mostly at low elevations. Does that sound like south Jersey???

We were feeling quite good in walking the three miles to the pond but I have to admit, the three miles felt a lot longer. We finally made it. We sat on the bench on the shore, but the thought of hiking another three miles to get back to our car got us up and moving again.

The three miles back seemed doubly long. I was sure we were on the right path and was trying not to question myself. I certainly didn't verbalize my angst because I didn't want to stress Andy out. He said his knees and feet were hurting. The sun was getting lower in the sky, it was getting late...but we did make it. Whew! That was quite a workout: 6 miles in 2 hours!

As tired as we were, the outdoors was good therapy for us today. We could walk in the woods and almost forget about our troubles.

As I was feeling like a widow, the Lord reminded me that he watches over the orphan and the widow. How comforting these verses are:

Psalm 68:4-5 - "Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds - his name is the LORD and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."

Psalm 146:9 - "The LORD watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow."