True Confession

I tend to be a positive person, but last week I took a few days to sit on the pity pot.  Several things happened to make me think Andy was getting worse.  I also had several conversations with 2 people close to us who thought the same thing.  On top of that a number of other things happened to discourage me and cause me to forget how good I really have it.

Let me be honest, though, my positive attitude is not to my credit.  Long ago I was impressed with 1 Corinthians 4:7:  "For who makes you different from anyone else?  What do you have that you did not receive?  And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?"  So since receiving the diagnosis of Andy's Alzheimer's and Parkinson's, I've blogged about how blessed we are and how God is meeting our needs.  All this is true, but I let a couple of disappointments creep into my thinking and get me down.

God is good, though.  He didn't let me stay there but sent along people to encourage me.  On Wednesday evening, 2 men from our church board came over to meet with Andy and me and try to understand our financial situation now that Andy is receiving disability.  They were so kind and caring and expressed a desire to help us as much as they could.

Thursday was my birthday and I got a lot of attention on facebook, as well as cards in the mail and calls from my friends and family members.  I met with another friend for an hour to talk and connect.  Another friend took me out for coffee on Saturday.  That was a sweet time, as well.

Andy and I had talked about our upstairs rentors and felt like we needed to raise the rent because our utilities and water bills were really high this winter.  When they moved in, we charged them a very minimal rate because they were a young family with lots of bills.  I talked to them on Saturday afternoon and told them we felt like we had to raise the rent.  They didn't say anything then, but that evening they came down to tell us they found another apartment and would be moving out March 1.  They had already found the apartment before I told them about the raised rent, so I was very relieved that they didn't move out because we wanted more money.  We've been very happy to have them here, they have blessed us in many ways, most of all by shoveling our driveway whenever it snows.  (And it has snowed a lot this winter!)

So we were going to lose some income, but the Lord reminded me that about a month ago, L had asked me if our apartment was available for someone who needed a place to stay.  Of course, at that time, it wasn't.  I texted L on Sunday morning to ask if this person still needed an apartment, and what do you know!  She did.  She came over to look at it and to meet us and was happy to pay the price we asked (which was $150 more than what we had been getting)!  So even when I get discouraged, God is still there, loving me and showing me he is well aware of what is going on.  He is constantly working things out, even before we know we'll need Him to.

God uses people, but He also uses His Word to minister to me.  How precious it is.  This morning I was reading a chapter in A Godward Life:  Savoring the Supremacy of God by John Piper. I wish I could include the entire chapter here but it's very long and I don't think I want to type the whole thing.  Essentially, though, John Piper used John 12:24-25 as his meditation:  "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal."

Basically, he said:  "It doesn't matter what happens to me."  These verses are a call to die.  If we are to bear fruit for God, we must die.  When I am dead, I don't care what happens.  It will make no difference to me, I will be home with Jesus.  And that's the way it is now, too, if I have died already with Christ, which all Christians have.  "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."  (Galatians 5:24).  Crucified means dead.  So in a profound sense I am dead on the earth.  "[My life] is hidden with Christ in God."  (Colossians 3:3).  So it just doesn't matter what happens to me here on earth.  It doesn't matter if I am getting older.  It doesn't matter if my husband is losing his memory.  It doesn't matter if our finances are less than what I've been used to.  If I am dead, these things just don't matter much.

Piper goes on to ask:  "What's the point of all this?  Is it aimless masochism?  No.  It is the path of true love, true life and true worship.  Our aim in dying is fruit:  'but if it dies, it bears much fruit'."  (John 12:24).  Our aim in dying is to exalt the worth of Christ.  "I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things"  (Philippians 3:8).

So I need to continually remind myself that this life is only a stepping stone to eternity.  Along with Paul, I want to "testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God."  (Acts 20:24)  In essence, Paul is saying, "It doesn't matter what happens to me if I can just live to the glory of His grace."  God's grace is all around, everywhere and in rich abundance.  He has showered me in His grace, in fact, I'm drowning in it!

She's Here

It wasn't necessarily an easy delivery, but she's here:  Grandbaby #10.  And there was a discussion on the spelling of the name, but I think the end result is Kasey Ann Sherf.  She weighed in at 7 lbs. 10 oz. and was 21 inches long.

We had big sister Kira all day Saturday while Dawn was recovering from the c-section.  We read lots of books, saw lots of movies, played with PopPop and ate dinner at Chick-Fil-A. 

We even managed to fit in a trip to the hospital to see Kasey and Dawn.

Dawn came home from the hospital today so we had Kira again while Dawn settled in at home with Kasey.  She was able to get in a nap before we took Kira back home.

We're thankful things turned out as well as they did.  Every time I've seen Kasey, she's been asleep.  She seems like a contented baby.

From Suffering to Glory

I was reading Comforts from the Cross by Elyse Fitzpatrick on her thoughts on Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  She tackled that difficult question:  "If God loves us, and we believe that he does, then why doesn't he use his power to prevent suffering?"

Take as an example Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  Mary & Martha sent Jesus a message that Lazarus was ill.  The passage says that Jesus loved Lazarus but he stayed 2 more days before setting out for the home of his friends.  It's easy to think that we know what would best bring glory to God.  "When it's my pain or loss, I think that God's glory would be seen most clearly in my immediate deliverance...but Jesus is more interested in our eternal cure than he is in our temporal relief." 

The author goes on to say that "Jesus is not a genie in a bottle nor is he a heartless despot.  He is [my] compassionate Savior."  Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but still he wept.  He is not indifferent to our pain.  And he told Mary & Martha that "if [they] believed, [they] would see the glory of God."

So in our trial, how do we see the glory of God?  We have the promise of eternal glory where we will be free from all pain and illness and everything bad.  But even here and now, we experience a taste of glory by his comfort, grace, strength that he freely pours out on us. 

I saw this in a wonderful way on Sunday.  While we were in Hawaii, a man in our church was discovered to have a brain tumor.  We knew there was that possibility before we left, but while we were gone, we heard that he became very ill very quickly and died.  We spoke to his widow on Sunday and were blessed by her conversation with us.  She had tears as she spoke, but at the same time she was radiant as she talked about how God was comforting her and meeting her needs.

And we experience the same thing.  God does indeed give grace to help in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).  I am continually amazed at how much joy I feel and the hope I have in spite of our difficult situation.

It seems that Andy has stabilized.  He seems to have more physical stamina and is also feeling better emotionally.  His doctors have advised him to try to be diligent with exercise, rest and a minimum of stress.  And that advice seems to be working.  He is still forgetful and easily confused, but feels better.  His tremors are less pronounced when he is exercising regularly.  These are encouraging signs.

These last few days have been busy with family.  Asher's 6th birthday was last Friday.  Earlier that week, we thought Dawn might be having her baby, so I told her I'd pick Kira up on Friday after work and take her with us to celebrate Asher's birthday.  The baby was not born when we thought (and still has not made her entrance into the world), but we still took Kira with us so she could have a little time with her cousins and Dawn could have a break.  We had a good time with the family.  Christy is such a good cook and made pizza, plus a New York style cheesecake with strawberries and blueberries for the topping.  We had so much fun being there, but when I told Kira it was time to go, she was very unhappy. 

Even though Kira was unhappy, she has a sensitive conscience.  On the way home, she told us she was sorry.  I probed and asked what she was sorry for, and she said "for not wanting to go home."  I again played "devil's advocate" by saying, "well, Kira, I really didn't want to leave  either."  But she persisted in following through with her confession, saying, "But Grammy, please forgive me.  I'm sorry."  Andy and I were very touched and thrilled to experience her sensitivity to her sin.

Amy & Ricky came down on Sunday with their kids to attend church with us.  Then they came home and had lunch with us, too.  Amy brought a big pot of soup with some rolls.  Dawn, Tommy & Kira came over to spend some time together, as well.  The kids have such a good time playing together.

Monday was Dawn's birthday and she had contractions in the morning, which made her think she was going to have the baby that day.  That would have been exciting because it was her birthday, as well as her due date.  She had told me that only 5% of babies are born on their due date.  She probably would have upped that percentage if this baby had been born on Monday because Kira was actually born on her due date.  But it was not to be.

Dawn still hasn't had her baby, so I invited her over for dinner on Tuesday.  Tommy was working late and unable to join us.  I made her favorite dinner that I only make once a year - just for her.  So that cheered her up.

As much as the family has been together in the last couple of days, I have no pictures to prove it.  I just didn't think of taking pictures until everyone was gone.  Well, the memories live on in our hearts.