I wonder which is better: to be busy with family and friends or to stay home and "enjoy" alone time. It doesn't seem to matter because in either scenario, without any warning, I can be on the verge of tears. The thought of spending the rest of my life without Andy is so painful. I wish I could keep from thinking about that...but that's impossible.

I'm trying to keep busy. Last weekend I had Asher over for 2 nights, then took him home on Sunday. It was his birthday on Jan. 31. He turned 11 and it was such a pleasure to have him. He's fun-loving and a good conversationalist. We played 22 games of "greedy" and watched 4 movies, as well as took a very nice long hike at Palmyra Cove Nature Center. It was pretty cold but the sun was shining and we were dressed warm.

I drove Asher back Sunday morning so I went to church with the family, then we celebrated his birthday with a very nice lunch/dinner before I came back home.

And yesterday we celebrated two more birthdays: Cole turned 3 on Feb. 1 and Kasey will be 5 on Feb. 8. Dawn made a Barbie cake that both kids were excited about, yes, even Cole. Probably in another year or so, she'll have to attempt a Super-Hero cake for him.

I'm trying to keep myself centered on Scripture and the love of the Lord for me, His child. I recently subscribed to the Desiring God website, where they send me daily articles. This morning, there was a feature by Vaneetha Risner that ministered to me. The Executive Editor of Desiring God introduced her article with these words:

From psalms and prophecies to epistles, the Bible did not come to people on extended vacations. They were suffering. Life was hard. They were desperate for a word from God.

I’m thankful when God meets me on happy days. But I have found it to be true, time and time again, that the Bible really comes alive when I’m desperate. When I’m hurting. In the worst of times. 

Vaneetha Risner has discovered something similar. “When I opened the Bible [in desperation], I needed God to feed me. . . . The more I had to search, the sweeter the manna tasted, the deeper the words penetrated, and the more precious the truths became.” Perhaps you’ve tasted something similar. Glean from Vaneetha’s story of learning to read the Bible through tears.

Her name sounded familiar to me because I had read a book she had written: The Scars That Have Shaped Me. She writes: "My scars remind me that God is sufficient and that physical perfection is not our goal. A life lived to God's glory is infinitely more valuable...My scars signify healing. And even though my initial flesh wounds have healed, there is yet a deeper healing in acceptance."

She references Michael Card's song, Known by the Scars:

The marks of death that God chose never to erase
The wounds of love's eternal war
When the kingdom comes with its perfected sons
He will be known by the scars.
 Songwriters: Michael Card

Known by the Scars lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Vaneetha reminds us that "God chose not to erase these marks of death -- the wounds of his love for us -- so our Savior will always be known by his scars. Rather than physical imperfections, Jesus's scars are breathtakingly beautiful. They represent his love and our salvation."

I spent a couple of weeks reading The Joy of Fearing God by Jerry Bridges. One of his chapters focused on the "stewardship of pain." This was interesting to think about and I liked his explanation..."If we believe God is sovereignly in control of all circumstances of our lives, then our pain is something He has given to us just as much as our time or talents or treasure. He has entrusted the pain to us as stewards to be used for His glory. How can we be good stewards of the pain God gives us? One way...is to trust Him even though we don't understand the purpose of the pain. Another way is to ask for and experience the sufficiency of His sustaining grace, as Paul did with his thorn in the flesh, to the extent that we can actually rejoice in our weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on us (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). We can then, as God gives opportunity, testify to the sufficiency of His sustaining grace. In doing so, however, we want to seek the glory of His grace, not the glory of our ability to endure."

At first I questioned the phrase that God gives us pain. As I reflected on that, though, the Lord reminded me that when Job was tested, he was not told of the conversation between God and Satan. But he praised God, trusting Him and worshiping Him with these words: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." The God gives a commentary on this statement by adding in the very next verse that "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:21 & 22)

And in the next chapter, after Job's wife counsels him to curse God and die, Job answers her by saying: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" And again, God comments that "in all this, Job did not sin in what he said." (Job 2:10)

People often use suffering as an indictment against God, but in reality, it is our own sin that has cursed our world. Adam and Eve in the Garden chose to disobey, even though God warned them that to do so would result in death. We live with pain and suffering here, but even though it's our, and all of humankind's, fault, He does not leave us in this sorry, pitiful condition."God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

I continue to be amazed at His love for me. I was reading in Isaiah 43 and kept my Bible open all week to this passage so that I could read and ponder it every day.

Isaiah 43:1-5
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God...Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 
and because I love you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Isaiah wrote these words to the Israelites as they were going into captivity, but they apply to us today, as well, because this is the character of God and how He deals with His children.

How good is the God we adore!

As I was becoming an adult, in my teens, my sister and I were responsible to take care of the house so my mother would be available to help my dad with barn and field work. Sister loved to cook and bake and I loved to clean, organize and arrange things neatly. We had a convenient plan worked out so that the housework would be done between us, and we each did what we preferred.

Unfortunately, she didn't come with me when Andy and I got married. Unfortunately, because I had no experience with making a meal. Poor Andy had to put up with my learning to read recipes and make something tasty. I have to give him credit for his patience. In all the 44 years of our marriage, he only ever got up from the table once to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of course, I learned his likes and dislikes and made an effort to learn the art of cooking. But he was pretty patient with me.

I can get by, and even enjoy the kitchen now, but am by no means, anything special. You would think that since I don't have to cook for Andy any more, that I would welcome the break from that responsibility. But yesterday I was feeling like spending some time in the kitchen, so I made one of our favorite recipes: baked ziti. It makes a lot, even when I halve it, and I'll be eating it probably every day this coming week. I actually divided it into 7 meals and froze 3 of them to enjoy at a later date.

Dinner for 1 - a whole 13 x 9 pan all to myself. What was I thinking? It was more than enough - which reminded me that is how God's grace can be explained - more than enough!

Luke 6:38 ~ "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap."

Psalm 23:5 ~ "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows."

Another day I thought I would indulge by making strawberry shortcake. It seemed like a wonderful idea since strawberries were in season.
 

 It was so good and I justified the sugar by eating it without whipped cream.

I am currently reading Spiritual Classics in my morning devotional time. I'm grateful that we have the writings from saints who lived and experienced life with God through the ages. What a blessing to have insights from others who loved and served God through the years.

Richard Foster is a theologian and author who has written a number of books, but this one is a compilation of different authors throughout the centuries. Here is a sampling of what I read last week.

"Give me Your grace, good Lord...to set my mind fast upon You...gladly to be thinking of God, piteously to call for His help, to lean into the comfort of God, busily to labor to love Him." (Thomas More, page 6)

"Contemplation involves giving ourselves time to relax in God's presence. In the quietness, aware of His presence, we open our hearts to His love. Our prayer is usually wordless and fed by a deep desire for Him. This leads us on to a place where instead of seeking God, we are found by Him. We discover that long before we came to our place of prayer, He was seeking us. So He responds to our longing. We bask in the warmth of His love. We feel His gaze on us. He fills us afresh with His Spirit. We receive a new perspective on life - His perspective. We draw so close to His heart that we sense His concern for the world and from our contemplation flows intercession as we catch His compassion for a hurting world." (Joyce Huggett, page 14)

"We find it difficult to give up our desire for things that can never satisfy us in order to purchase the one good in whom is all our joy - and in whom, moreover, we get back everything else that we have renounced besides." (Thomas Merton, page 18)

"God loves to love us far beyond our most extravagant hopes. At the very heart of the universe is God's utter compassion and loving care for all his creation. God delights to lead us into the 'dizzy heights of love' - to the extent that we welcome it and to the extent that we can stand it." (Richard Foster's reflections on Marguerite Porete's essay, page 27)

"Prayer is the precious fruit of the Word - Word of God that has become wholly our own and in that way, has been inscribed deep in our body and psyche, and that now can become our response to the love of the Father. The Spirit stammers it out in our heart, without our doing anything about it. It bubbles up, it flows, it runs like living water. It is no longer we who pray, but the prayer prays itself in us. The divine life of the risen Christ ripples softly in our heart." (Andre Louf, page 33)

And this is my favorite of the week:

"There is no great mystery concerning the will of God, in so far as it applies to our small selves. God's will is written into His nature, and the nature of God is LOVE." (Agnes Sanford, page 39)

When we think of God's will for us in this way, how can we be anxious about the future?

"'Thy will be done' - We are only absolutely infallibly certain of the will of God concerning the past. Everything that has happened, whatever it may be, is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Father. The future, also, whatever it may contain, once it has come about, will have come about in conformity with the will of God." (Simone Weil, page 49)

"God cared for His children [in the feeding of the 5,000] and could, did and would provide for their necessities...a throb of the Father's heart. Because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God ready to forsake us...Care for the next minute is just as foolish as care for the morrow - in neither can we do anything and in both God is doing everything." (George MacDonald, pages 79-83)

I'm so blessed by God's ministry to me. It's been such a struggle for me to not worry about the future. I need continual reminders that God's got this. The very nature of God is love, and all his actions toward his children are loving and kind.

I met with my attorney this past week and I was so encouraged by her assurances that things will work out financially. I'm not going into detail on the internet but will be happy to share those details with anyone who talks to me personally.

Last night when I woke up in the middle of the night, God brought to my mind Psalm 91:4; the picture of hiding under God's wings, being covered by his feathers. Doesn't that sound like a safe place to be?

I love God's word pictures that help us visualize his peace, his protection, his provision for us, the sheep of his pasture.
 

What should have been a lovely walk around the property turned into a sinking feeling when I noticed one of our pine trees loaded with bag worm cocoons.  This was one of the trees I've been nurturing since it was a wee little stick. Over ten years ago, I bought 10 pine trees for $1 from the National Arbor Foundation. They were so little that one or two of them accidentally got run over with the lawn mower. But I still have seven trees that are doing well and have grown significantly. These pictures were taken 9 years ago - they were just pine tree babies.

And how they grew.

So I was not happy to see one of those babies just full of bag worm cocoons waiting to hatch. Thankfully, Google gave me the information that they hatch in late May. Google also suggested several ways to take care of bag worms. One way was to let them hatch to provide food for the birds. Another way was to use chemicals to spray on them after they hatch. Or you could cut them all off the tree and get rid of them before they hatch. That is what I chose to do. I didn't want to mess with chemicals. I had already had some experience with spraying caterpillars and it wasn't a pretty sight. I really didn't think I could go through with that process myself. 

Yesterday was a nice day for working outside so I spent the morning cutting off those cocoons. I had to drag a ladder out to reach the top of the tree, but I managed to get all of them - I hope.

I filled a 2 gallon ziploc baggie full of those nasty things. I hope I got them all, but if I didn't, maybe the birds will have some to enjoy.

Cutting out those cocoons and dead branches can be compared to the pruning that needs to be done in our lives. Worms or sins that creep in and eat us up devastate us spiritually. But God, the Master Pruner, knows how to cut off branches that are diseased so that the rest of the tree will be healthier and more productive. 

I love to read and re-read John 15 where Jesus talks about the vine and the branches. Every vine needs to be pruned, taking away the dead to make way for new shoots. Pruning is painful, but it's necessary if we want to grow in our walk with the Lord. 

I met Dawn at Care One yesterday with her kids to visit Andy. I love the energy of the kids. I think Kira was a little sad over seeing Andy because she remembers how fun he was for and with her. But Kasey and Cole accept him as he is because it's the only way they've ever known him. All of the kids are developing a level of compassion, though, because of their association with their Poppop. Little Cole saw me feeding Andy, then he offered Andy his ice cream. It was so sweet. 

I am currently reading through the psalms in my morning time with the Lord. I love David's heart for the Lord. Even when he is in despair, he still finds something to praise the Lord about. Some of his circumstances were so difficult, but he focused on God's character. God's unfailing love, his righteousness, faithfulness, justice remain constant and true. 

A year or so ago, as I was reading through the Bible, I marked in red ink all the verses that talk about God's love for his children. The psalms in my Bible are full of those red marks.

Psalm 25:6, 7 ~ "Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old....according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD."

Psalm 25:10 ~ "All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful..."

Psalm 31:16 ~ "Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love."

Psalm 31:21 ~ "Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me."

Psalm 32:10 ~ "The LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

Psalm 33:5 ~ "The earth is full of his unfailing love."

Psalm 33:18, 22 ~ "But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love...May your unfailing love rest upon us O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Psalm 36:5, 7 ~ "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies...How priceless is your unfailing love!"

Isn't that such a comfort to know that God's love is described as unfailing. It is always there. It's who God is. "God is love," 1 John 4:16. And if God loves me, then I can be assured He will take care of me. He prunes out those hurtful worms, fertilizes and waters me so that I will grow and bear much fruit. He protects me from trouble and surrounds me with songs of deliverance. (another psalm - Psalm 32:7) 

Jesus loved the psalms, too. In his earthly ministry, he quoted often from the psalms. When he was talking with the two men on the road to Emmaus, he told them that "everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms."

So here is something to think about till your head spins: Did Jesus quote David in the psalms, or did David quote Jesus because he (David) "spoke from God as [he was] carried along by the Holy Spirit" (2 Peter 1:21)?

For whatever reason, I've been so tired lately. Mornings especially, have been quite a challenge for me to get out of bed and begin my day. In talking to friends about this, it seems they are experiencing the same phenomenon. Is it the darkness of the morning since the time has changed? Is it the dragging on of the cold dark winter? Is it the unchanging and depressing nature of what I'm going through? Perhaps it's a combination of those and more. 

It's times like these, though, that I need the presence of the Lord more than ever. He promises to give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak (Isaiah 40). It's also crucial that I don't spend too much time in the house alone. I purposely filled some of my hours this week with yard work. It was cold and windy and I had to work quickly and take lots of breaks in the house to warm up. But I was able to lug branches and storm debris to the street. I also raked up quite a few piles of small sticks and twigs, then bagged them up and took them to the street as well. They'll probably be there awhile because every house along the street has a pile of branches to be picked up. As much as I worked at it this week, there is still more to be done. 

I also recognize the need to spend time with people. I am happy to be able to meet up with Dawn every week. She likes to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters!
 

Then on Saturday, I was able to drive up to Lancaster County to spend some time with Amy and her family. It's so affirming to walk into the house and have everyone so happy to see me and receive all those hugs. We hung out till after lunch, then went to investigate a "park" Amy had driven by a number of times. It was a nice little park with a gravel path and a creek to explore. Chase just happened to have a fishing pole along so had to see if he could catch anything, but I think those fish were smart enough not to venture out into the cold.

So now Amy had to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters! Fun rivalry!

Reckless Love

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me

 

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Songwriters: Caleb Culver / Cory Asbury / Ran Jackson

Reckless Love lyrics © Bethel Music Dba Bethel Music Publishing

I love this song. I was wondering, though, about God's love being reckless. The Bible is clear about his love being awesome and eternal. The definition of reckless according to the dictionary: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless." This is not a characteristic that I would ascribe to God. On the other hand, as the song goes on to say, "I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give Yourself away." Yes, when I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That's pretty reckless!

I remembered that years ago, Andy led a Bible study discussing Tim Keller's book, Prodigal God. 

 

Keller defines the word "prodigal" as "recklessly spendthrift." He goes on to explain that it means to spend until you have nothing left. This term is therefore as appropriate for describing the father in the prodigal son story as his younger son. "The father's welcome to the repentant son was literally reckless, because he refused to 'reckon' or count his sin against him or demand repayment."

"God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not reckoning to them their trespasses" (2 Corinthians 5:19 - ASV). "Jesus is showing us the God of Great Expenditure, who is nothing if not prodigal toward us, his children. God's reckless grace is our greatest hope, a life-changing experience." (from Prodigal God by Timothy Keller)

The Lord also reminded me of something Ann Voskamp posted once about Psalm 23:6: "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." She said that word "follow" actually means to chase down. I love that picture. God's love chases me down, doesn't just quietly and nicely "follow" me. He relentlessly pursues me. That seems pretty reckless to me.

Ephesians 2:4 ~ "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."

Colossians 1:21, 22 ~ "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." 

I thank God for his overwhelming, never-ending, and reckless love.

Up and down, up and down...living at extremes

Dawn met me at Care One on Monday evening with the kids. We had the usual ice cream in the ice cream parlor, then went back to Andy's room with him. He was more alert that he usually is and he obviously enjoyed the children. 

But the rest of the week, he was in distress. The tremors really bother him. I don't think he's in pain, but the constant uncontrollable shaking is hard to ignore and causes him anxiety. 

The nurse told me that his medications have been changed which may take his body a couple of days to get accustomed to the new regimen. I think the doctors are trying to ease his tremors, but at this point, nothing seems to be working.

On Friday evening when I arrived, Andy was already eating his dinner. I took over for the care giver. He would open his mouth as the fork came to his mouth, but he was practically catatonic and unresponsive otherwise. When he finally finished the meal, I helped him back to his room. He was shaking so violently and was in such distress that I promised him I would find the nurse. When the nurse came in, she advised him to lie on the bed on his left side. When he did so, his right hand stopped shaking. I got a wet washcloth to put on his forehead because his room was hot. He lay quietly for about 10 minutes, then sat up and seemed perfectly normal. It was the strangest thing. Did the medicine finally kick in? What made the difference between the violent shaking and catatonic state to the feeling better enough to sit up and engage with his surroundings? It's so puzzling.

I've also had some stressful situations at home with Andy's mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year or so after Andy was. She is still home, living in the in-law apartment attached to our house. I am not very involved in caring for her, but she does live in my house. She has always enjoyed doing laundry, but recently, it has become almost an obsession or fixation for her. I have noticed her doing laundry nearly every day. And when I do my own laundry, she thinks its hers so she goes into the laundry room and pushes buttons or takes clothes out of the washer or dryer when it's not even hers. I have to watch her constantly. 

In the last week or two, she's been "washing" items that shred apart in the washer and dryer, making a huge mess for either Dad or myself to clean up. On Monday when I got home from work, I walked into the laundry room to find Dad with the vacuum cleaner trying to vacuum out lint from the dryer. There was already a large pile of lint on the dryer that he had been able to get out. He suggested I call someone to come clean out the dryer vent because there was so much lint, he was afraid it would cause a fire and be a danger.

Well, this caused me so much stress. I felt that the best solution was to put a lock on the laundry room door to keep her out. But would that be kind because it was one thing she loved to do. But it wouldn't be kind to let her continue to destroy the appliances.So I did not sleep all night, just thinking about all of this. What is the solution? I remember thinking in the middle of the night: "I quit. This is all too hard." 

But the next morning, reality hit. I can't quit. This is a new day - the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The night seemed so dark and the hours ticked by so slowly, but the morning brought hope and even joy because his mercies are new every morning.

Then I read about Julian of Norwich in a book we have on our shelf, Devotional Classics. She lived from 1343 - 1413 and had a deep desire to know and love God. She wrote: "I wanted to experience every kind of pain, bodily and spiritual, which I would have if I were to die - every fear and temptation. I intended this because I wanted to be purged by God's mercy and afterwards live more to his glory because of that sickness."

I was in awe. She actually wanted to suffer. But the purpose of that suffering was so she could share in Christ's sufferings and know God better. It's obvious she did enjoy a beautiful relationship with her Lord because she also writes: "We are so preciously loved by God that we cannot even comprehend it. No created being can ever know how much and how sweetly and tenderly God loves them. It is only with the help of his grace that we are able to persevere in spiritual contemplation with endless wonder at his high, surpassing, immeasurable love which our Lord in his goodness has for us."

Everyone suffers in some way. None of us would chose how we would "like" to suffer. I don't suffer with an unbelieving husband or with wayward children or life in a country halfway around the world being persecuted for my faith. My suffering is mine, and I believe God doesn't waste experiences. He can use what we are going through to show his might, power and love as he enables us to endure, praise him in the storm and grow in our love for him. He also lovingly opens our eyes to reveal our hearts to us...how self-centered, impatient, prone to want the easy way out, etc. In fact, the seed of every sin is in my own heart. He shows us our hearts so that we can repent and realize we need his help to live a life that pleases him.

When my eyes are open to it, I have much to be thankful for. This past week, a friend came over to help me adjust the timers on my lights. While he was here, he changed a couple bulbs that had burned out and were too high in my cathedral ceilings for me to take care of. I also received a card from someone who had gone to our church years ago. She told me she had been to Care One with her job and was surprised to see Andy there. She met with him and shared a verse with him that she had read that morning in her private devotional time. This meant a lot to me. She not only helped Andy, but also took the time to write me a note to tell me about her time with him.

Yesterday I drove up to see Amy and her family. I just hung out with them, reading books to the kids, watching their "exploits," doing errands with Amy, just being with them. Katy the youngest is taking gymnastic lessons which is perfect for her. She has so much energy and was eager to perform for me. She was proud of herself being able to jump rope on the trampoline. She kept on, over and over. If I had one tenth of her energy, I could get a lot done!

And here's a lovely handstand on the trampoline. I don't think I could ever in my life do a headstand, let alone a handstand. She is very agile and talented.

 What a fun time I had with the family. 

The week also provided an opportunity to have lunch with a friend on Tuesday. She is going through a hard time, and we were able to encourage one another with the Scriptures and reminders of the goodness of God.

At church today I enjoyed numerous conversations with friends and even met a few new people. After church I joined several others at a Thai restaurant, grateful for the chance to be with fellow believers on a day that usually feels long.

Another excerpt from Devotional Classics written by Soren Kierkegaard, was so encouraging to me this week. He wrote a prayer to God: "You who are unchangeable, whom nothing changes! You who are unchangeable in love, precisely for our welfare, not submitting to any change: may we too will our welfare, submitting ourselves to the discipline of Your unchangeableness, so that we may in unconditional obedience find our rest and remain at rest in Your unchangeableness. You are not like us; if we are to preserve only some degree of constancy, we must not permit ourselves too much to be moved, nor by too many things. You on the contrary are moved, and moved in infinite love, by all things. Even that which we human beings call an insignificant trifle, and pass by unmoved, the need of a sparrow, even this moves You; and what we so often scarcely notice, a human sigh, this moves You, You who are unchangeable! You who in infinite love do submit to be moved, may this our prayer also move You to add Your blessing, in order that there may be brought about such a change in us who pray as to bring us into conformity with Your unchangeable will, You who are unchangeable."

What a beautiful concept: God is unchangeable, but is moved by our sighs. We are worth much more than the sparrow and He keeps track of our tears. 

Psalm 56:8 ~ "Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll— are they not in your record?"

Psalm 126:5 ~ "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy."

Sorrow may come in the night, but joy comes with the morning. Great is His faithfulness.

Since Dawn is now babysitting extra kids, it's not as easy for her to get to see Andy. It's not as easy to pack up 5 kids and take them somewhere, let alone to take them with her when she wants to see her dad. So we decided Friday afternoons would work for her. I meet her at Care One and we visit Andy together. This last week, she mentioned to me how blessed she is to have a dad who cherishes me, his wife. It reminded me of a song Andy and I used to sing together: Cherish the Treasure. He really practiced the words of that song. I felt cherished, he treated me like a queen. He was and still is a beautiful living example of the love of God, accepting, never failing, giving and forgiving.

Speaking of the love of God...the other night I was reading Psalm 136 to Andy. This psalm must have been a song because every verse includes the refrain: "His love endures forever." There are 26 verses in that psalm, so 26 times we're told His love endures forever. After I read a few verses, I stopped and asked Andy, "what do you think God is trying to tell us in this psalm?" He didn't know, so every time I got to "His love endures forever," I stopped, looked at him and said it. After another couple of verses, Andy said to me: "alright, already!" I told him I think God wants us to know His love never fails, it goes on and on.

Then today on the Christian radio station, someone was quoted as saying he was not proud of his love for God, but he was proud of God's love for him because it never fails. Amen!

Franklin Parker Preserve, 2015

Amico Island, 2015

Boundary Creek, 2015

Pakim Pond, 2015

Over a week ago, I took Andy to an appointment with his urologist for a cystoscopy. The appointment itself went well with some good results. The doctor was able to determine that his frequent uti's were not as a result of diseased bladder, kidneys, prostrate or urethra. The doctor said everything looks fine. His problem might be a result of the Parkinson's, but putting Andy on a maintenance drug might be the way to combat the problem. So far, it seems to be working. I was also wondering if the Alzheimer's might not be a contributing factor in the ongoing problem, as well. His brain is diseased and malfunctioning, and I'm sure this is affecting other parts of his body.

Andy has only been in the car 2-3 times in the last 9 months, so it shouldn't surprise me if he doesn't know what to do or how to get in the car. After our appointment, I walked with him to the car, taking him to the passenger side, then going back to the driver's side to unlock. While I was on the driver's side, he turned around and tried to get into the car next to ours. I told him that wasn't our car and to turn around, but that did not compute, and he continued to try the door of the other car. There was nothing to do but go over to him and physically take his hand off the car door, open our car door and tell him to get in. It still did not compute, and I was beginning to wonder if I did the right thing in taking him by myself. I had to get pretty firm in pushing him toward our car and into the seat. Once he was in, things were fine for the trip back to Care One.  

Ever since returning from my vacation, I've been very tired. That led to low feelings and an inability to handle any little stress that came along. On Thursday morning, in an interaction with someone, they promised to pray for me. By the end of the day, my mood had lightened, and I couldn't remember why I had been feeling so bad.

In another instance, God showed me how much He is for me. A situation came up where I felt like I was being forced to do something I really didn't want to. I talked to the Lord about it, being willing to do it if that's what He wanted but just not feeling at peace about it. I had finally decided that I needed to speak up and not let this happen. But before I could take the next step, I got a phone call that told me the situation was resolved. How good of the Lord. He knows my frame. He knows how hard it is for me to say no to someone and in this instance, He came to my defense and worked it out. I can't tell you how grateful I am.

Romans 8:31 ~ "If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" 

Pastor's message this morning dealt with suffering in the world.There were many take-aways for me but I was especially struck with his statement that God is everywhere present, but "is NEAR to the brokenhearted." Psalm 34:18. So when we go through suffering, somehow God's presence is more felt and precious. He weeps with us, He ministers to us in ways that are compassionate, gracious and loving. He leads us to Himself through His kindness. He prays for us, sympathizes for us and understands.

Often our trials and difficulties cause us to understand on a deeper level the goodness of God.

Life has its ebb and flow, good days and bad days, highs and lows, mountains and valleys, agonies and ecstasies, pain and joy, tears and laughter. 

At this point in my life, a good day means a bit of a spark in Andy's eye; a bad day is conversation that doesn't make sense, severe tremors and a vacant look.

I never know what to expect when I visit Andy. I go to see him every day, and sometimes twice a day. I'm trying to go every Tuesday morning so that Dawn can see her dad. She takes the kids with her, so it's helpful if I'm there to lend extra hands and arms. He's always responsive to the kids, and they seem to love being with him, too.

This past Tuesday was a beautiful spring day, so we were able to sit outside the facility. Of course, they had to have their ice cream. Then the older kids were able to put their energy into running up and down the sidewalk.
 

I love Kasey's girly outfits - all the sequins, sparkles and tulle! And that's her favorite necklace. She always wears it. Today she told me that necklace gives her power.  I think I need one of those.

Friday was Andy's birthday so I made a carrot cake, intending to party it up at his facility when I went in to visit him. When I got there, though, he was lying down and saying he felt awful. I had a hard time getting him up, but he finally did when his brother and a high school buddy came to visit. No one else was in the dining area at that moment, so I cut 4 pieces of cake for us.

I told him to smile before I snapped the picture, and this is what I got! He's such a good sport.

Today was Mother's Day and Dawn invited me to join her family at her in-laws'. I was happy to be able to do that. I brought some goodies to add to the meal, having spent most of yesterday indoors because of the rain. It was a happy time for me making/creating in my kitchen.

It's been unseasonably cool so I've put off planting annuals. But I couldn't wait any longer as we got toward the end of the week. Now that all that brown mulch is down, we needed some color to liven it up a bit. And is there anything more cheerful than the color yellow?

 

I was sad to see the condition of this yellow rhododendron. The bush has all these dead branches, except this one brave stalk.

 

 I came across a youtube video of John Piper talking about God's love: God Didn't Wait for You to Believe. It was such an encouragement to me. I'm so thankful that God didn't wait for me to respond to him, but He initiated. He set His affection on me, He chose me, (Deuteronomy 10:15; 1 Thessalonians 1:4 and 2 Thessalonians 2:13).  Ephesians 2:4 tells us that God is "rich in mercy" and because of the "great love with which he loved us," he made us alive, even when we were dead in our sins. 


These are beautiful truths to give us the strength to keep on keeping on. It's a great comfort to know God, to experience His faithfulness, His unchanging nature when we face uncertainties and disappointments.

Lamentations 3:19-26, 32-33
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him.'
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."

Andy has seemed to improve in the last week or so. He is talking more lucidly with real words and putting them together in sentences. Yesterday when I visited him, the nurse informed me that he had told her he was waiting for his fiance!

After dinner as Andy and I sat in the lobby at Care One Harmony Village, he told me he didn't think it was right that we should live in separate places since we were married. I tried to explain that I couldn't take care of him, that he needed 24/7 professional care and he was in the best place for that. I don't think he understood that, though.

I also think that lately he has been looking a little more "with it," not so dazed or vacant. Dawn's mother-in-law took this picture two days ago. He looks good to me.
 

As wonderful as this is, it causes me a lot of second guessing as to whether or not he is, in fact, in the right place. It makes me so sad when he tells me he wants to come home. I want him to, too. 

But thankfully, there are enough people in my life to remind me what I was dealing with before he was admitted to the memory care facility. And realistically, this is a degenerative, progressive disease. He may have some improvement now, but it's only temporary. 

All this emotional turmoil in my heart leaves no doubt in my mind to my own neediness. And again and again, God graciously meets that need. He placed many people in my path this morning at church to encourage, hug and care.

As I cried out to Him this morning, He reminded me of how great His love is for His children. The truth of God's love is familiar to us. We've heard it since we were young children. But how often do we need to be reminded of that love. God IS love. "As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for [me]" (Psalm 103:11) Has anyone come to the end of the universe yet? No, in fact, the more scientists explore space, the more they tell us how vast it is. God's love is endless - to infinity and beyond!!!

I was reminded of Psalm 103:4 this week where the Psalmist declares that the LORD "redeems [my] life from the pit and crowns [me] with love and compassion." This is a more valuable crown than one loaded with diamonds and rubies. 




When the Scriptures talk about the love of God, that love is described as "abounding," "rich," and "lavished" upon us.

"You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you." (Psalm 86:5)

 "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." (Psalm 145:8)

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." (Ephesians 1:7-8)

  "He pours out his love in our hearts by the Holy Spirit" (Romans 5:5). 

And what beautiful truths Paul tells us in Romans 8:31-39:
 New International Version (NIV)

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

What comfort to know that nothing can separate us from God's love. He is everywhere present and HE IS LOVE. We can't get away from Him and His love. My circumstances don't determine God's love...His love is faithful, steadfast, sure and constant. That's because His love is not dependent on me and my performance, but on Jesus and His finished work on the cross.

Thank you, dear God, for the love you shower so graciously on me, your child.