"[I am] hard pressed on every side, BUT not crushed; perplexed, BUT not in despair; persecuted, BUT not abandoned; struck down, BUT not destroyed." 

These verses are another example of the "Holy But" that Dan Stone devotes a chapter to in his book, The Rest of the Gospel. He challenges us to live after the BUT. For instance: we can say: "I know God loves me, but it doesn't seem like it...everything is falling apart." Or "I know God is my sufficiency, but I don't really have what I need." This way of looking at life, though, is living "in the junk," in our circumstances.On the other hand, we can let the Holy But be a bridge, which picks us up from where we're stuck and moves us into faith. If we didn't have the negative in life, we'd never exercise faith. The negative is real and should prompt us to move into faith. Instead we can say, "I feel so weak, BUT God is my strength." Or, "I'm in pain, BUT Christ is my sufficiency."

I wish I could say I have this down pat, but in reality, I feel like I failed miserably this week. I was literally in the pit of despair for a day or two, and it took a lot of reading, praying, counseling by friends, talking with family members, preaching to myself what is true, and time to process with the Lord before coming back up to the "green pastures and quiet waters." 

King David uses the Holy But in Psalm 13. He starts out the psalm in doubt and despair: "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?" Talk about being in the pit of despair! But David doesn't stay there. He reminds himself that he can go to God for answers. Then he uses that word, BUT. "But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me." His situation hadn't changed but he remembered who God is and how God had dealt with him in the past. 

It is actually a benefit the longer you live because it means you have a history of God's dealing with you throughout your past. I told someone recently that in all the times Andy changed jobs, there was never a time when he missed a paycheck. When he left seminary and we moved back east, he went straight to a job that was waiting for him. Then when we moved to Washington state for his job as associate pastor, he was immediately put on a salary. When he resigned from the pastorate and we moved back to NJ, again God provided an immediate job for him to move into. There were several other instances as well. God provided, God provided, God provided.

So the bottom line is for me to believe God will provide! You would think that this would be easy for me by now. But I confess it is not. I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. How am I going to pay for the extremely expensive care that Andy needs at this time?

I can't just bring him back home, nor can I place him in an ordinary nursing home. He is at the point where he needs an assisted living mental care facility. He can't care for himself any more. 

Although my trust in God does not negate my own responsibility, I feel like so much of this is out of my control. I am meeting with a financial advisor and have an elder law attorney who are a lot smarter than I am at figuring these things out. So although I don't know the future, I know the God who holds the future. I am encouraged that none of what I'm going through is surprising to Him, nor did it catch Him off guard. He has a purpose in it and He is calling me to trust Him. 

A lot of things are still in the process of being resolved. To relieve some of that mental anguish, I had to get out for some nature therapy yesterday. It was a beautiful day, spring like with blue sunny skies and warm temperatures. I went to Strawbridge Lake in Moorestown because it's more urban. People use the road by the lake for jogging, biking, walking their dogs which feels safer for me since I'm by myself.

 


So no matter how difficult the circumstances I go through, I am not losing heart. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) I may have moments (hours or days) when I am in the pit of despair, but God does not leave me there. In fact, He is there with me, but He speaks His truths to me, encouraging and ministering to me Himself. And He really is enough!

The other day I heard Casting Crowns sing God of All My Days. I think it was written just for me.

In my worry, God You are my stillness
In my searching, God You are my answers
In my blindness, God You are my vision
In my bondage, God You are my freedom
In my weakness, God You are my power
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days

Songwriters: John Mark Hall / Jason Ingram

God of All My Days lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

God is my stillness, my answers, my vision, my freedom, my power, the reason I can sing...my Everything. 

In a conversation I was having with someone, they were remembering how kind and gentle Andy was/is. Then they asked if he ever got angry. The only incident I could remember at the time occurred in the early days of our marriage when we were in seminary, living in Portland, Oregon. One day, our car had a flat tire and Andy went out to change it. One of the lug nuts was especially tight and he couldn't get it. In frustration, he kicked the tire. I thought it was funny then, and I think it's funny now. Kicking an inanimate object does not resolve the problem, it only hurts the kicker! 

This morning another incident came to my mind. When the girls were little, we had a cat. We named her GG because she was feisty and a GoGetter. We had her from the time she was a kitten, and as she got older, she developed a very bad habit of pouncing on Amy, the baby. One day, Amy was coming down the stairs, when we noticed GG crouching at the bottom, waiting for her. Sure enough, when Amy got to the bottom, GG pounced. Then Andy went into action. He was so angry at this cat picking on the baby, he picked her (the cat!) up and threw her across the room. The older girls and I were aghast, but he was adamant that no cat is going to hurt his baby. 

Even though he was angry, his anger was against the injustice of others picking on helpless, innocent victims. He had a strong sense of justice for the underdog. There were several times that he helped people in our church who were being victimized, by setting up appointments with a lawyer, even accompanying them and paying for the attorneys' fees. 

Over the years he had related to me stories of how he protected his brothers from bullies when he was a kid. Recently his brother told me he remembers Andy punching another guy in the mouth. This guy was very much older than Andy but I'm sure he did or said something to bully someone else and it was more than Andy could take. 

I'm glad I have these memories. It makes the current situation more bearable. Our daughters have been texting me pictures of their dad that they have in their memory banks or scrolling on their computers. I love this one of Andy, estimated to be about 15 years ago. He looks so young!

Andy is holding a puppy, not a cat!

Asher imitating his Pop-pop, several years BA (before Alzheimers)

This week was difficult for me in several ways. Andy seemed to be taking another step downward in the progression on his disease. Ironically, I had called the nurse at his facility last week to ask her to have his care givers give Andy cues when he is showering. I told her that he needs to be told what to do, but he can follow directions. This was ironic because only the day after I had this conversation with the nurse, I had occasion to have Andy take a shower. I got him in the shower stall and started giving him cues. But it was obvious he had no idea what I was telling him. Simple things like: get the soap, wash yourself, shampoo your hair. Nope - "no comprende." 

Another thing I noticed this week is that he seemed to be sleeping a lot. When I arrived at 5:00 to help him with his dinner, I would have to wake him up. When dinner was finished, we would go back to his room, he would lie down on the bed and fall asleep while I was reading to him. Several of those nights, I would just sit there with him for a while before finally getting up to leave. He didn't wake up as I moved around the room. This seemed unusual for him.

But the last couple of nights he has been more awake and alert, even staying awake through two whole chapters as I read to him. So there are the ups and downs, the uncertainties of the disease, but it helps to remember that God never changes. He is still faithful, His love is unfailing, He is full of grace and mercy toward His children.

As I woke on Wednesday morning, I was reviewing a verse I had recently memorized: Hebrews 4:16. "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say this verse to myself, and then I say to God, "and I am sooooo needy, but what a gift, that I can come to You with confidence and You will give me the grace I need for this day."

As a confirmation to my thoughts, Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word was such a blessing (this particular post is not uploaded on his website yet). He said there are two words God never says to His children. His whole post was a poem and I eagerly kept reading until He mentioned the two words we'll never hear from God: "Go away."  I think of this sometimes, how we can become impatient with our own children or other people when they are needy, but God never becomes impatient with us. He is the perfect parent. He wants us to run to Him when we are desperately needy. 

Another day this week, when I got to work, I opened the mail. There was an envelope addressed to me and when I opened it, there was $120 in cash enclosed with a note that they were praying for me and I could use the money in whatever way I wanted. How kind of the Lord to give me this encouragement because later in the day, I received word from another source that my money was running out, I needed to get in touch with my lawyer and get working on my Medicaid application. The money and card I received was confirmation that He is working on my behalf and hasn't forgotten me.

 
I am tempted to worry and fear the future, but He comforts me with his presence, his word and his people along with evidences that he is going to provide. I understand that this trust does not negate my need for action when it is required. But I want to make sure I am listening to God's voice and not rushing ahead of Him and trying to make my own decisions.

I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. 

 

I am reading again, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory.  

 

 

 

I can't say enough good about this book. He really hammers away at the truth of Jesus living his life through me. I am a clay pot, just a vessel, for Jesus to live through. We are to be in "union with the Greater and let Him express Himself though the lesser. We are vessels--containers of the life of God. But we are not the contents of the vessel. God is. We cannot produce His life. We can only express it." (page 115)

How prone we are to forget the truth of the gospel. It's not just that we are forgiven, although that would be good enough. But we've also been given the righteousness of Jesus. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. Amazing. I hope I never get over the beauty and wonder and awesomeness of this truth.

Our pastor calls this the two sides of the cross. On the one side, Jesus took my sins on Himself; on the other side, He gave me His righteousness. 

 

2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ "God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." 

Galatians 2:20 ~ "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure (Jesus) in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

 

Is it ok to brag a little???? Probably not, but I will anyway. I have finished my Christmas shopping for the family...and the presents are under the tree! I still have a few gifts to buy for friends.

I have the Christmas lights up on the bushes in the front of the house. I never had the icicles taken down, so that didn't need to be done again. But I put lights on the bushes yesterday, then someone came over to help me put the timers on them.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Last week I was struggling with sadness and worry: sad that Andy is no longer a part of our family holidays, worry because I didn't know how I was going to continue to pay for him being at such an expensive facility.

By Monday evening, I was drawn to the Psalms and was so encouraged by where God led me. 

Psalm 143:
"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief."  (verse 1)

"My spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed." (verse 4)

"I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (verses 6-8)

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." (verse 10)

"For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble." (verse 11)

I was especially encouraged by verse 10, comforted to know God's good Spirit was going to lead me on level ground.

Then on Wednesday afternoon, the mail brought a check that I wasn't expecting. At that point, a feeling came over me that this was the beginning of God's meeting all my needs. 

And the next day, I got an email from someone who wanted to help me with the financial burden I'm carrying; the only stipulation being that they needed to remain completely anonymous. 

Psalm 146:9 says: "The LORD sustains the fatherless and the widow." I stand in awe of his faithfulness.

I called our attorney on Monday and have an appointment set to begin the application process for Medicaid. She gave me an assignment to make copies of all our bank statements for the last 5 years. I've already done that. She will go through those statements and check them for questions we might encounter when we submit the application. There is a lot to do, receipts to look up and find, and who knows what all...but step by step...we'll get it done.

I stopped by to see Dawn one evening to rescue her for a little break from 24/7 littles and was able to get this cute picture of our February babies. Kasey will be 4 and Cole will be 2, both in February.

I'm so grateful that the Lord hears me and sympathizes with my weaknesses. I can approach his throne of grace with confidence, knowing that I will receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16) And right now, I'm very needy.

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."

Songwriters: David Crowder, Ben Glover Glover, Matt Maher; Come As You Are lyrics © CAPITOL CHRISTIAN MUSIC GROUP

I often share about the all-sufficiency of Christ and how He meets my every need. Once again, I have evidence that He is and He does, indeed.

One evening this past week, I received an email from someone who indicated something that I was not expecting would happen. I was totally unprepared and unsuspecting of this information. Consequently, I was very unsettled but tried to commit it to the Lord and went to bed. Predictably, I was unable to relax and was awake most of the night, wrestling in prayer, committing this problem to the Lord, thinking about it, mulling it over. I could not NOT think about it...it was all consuming and overwhelming. 

In the morning, as I was preparing for my day, in desperation I asked the Lord for a word to calm my heart. In my heart, I heard the words: "Stand and see." I looked up that phrase in the concordance and found two instances where that was spoken.

The first one I looked up was 1 Samuel 12:16 where Samuel is scolding the people of Israel for demanding a king. He says to the people: "Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes! Is it not wheat harvest now? I will call upon the LORD to send thunder and rain. And you will realize what an evil thing you did in the eyes of the LORD when you asked for a king."

Then the Lord did indeed show His mighty power and great strength by sending thunder and rain. 

The other incident was recorded in Exodus 14 when the Israelites were at the Red Sea and saw the Egyptians coming up behind them. They were terrified and cried out to Moses. Then Moses told the people: "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:13-14)

This was such a blessing to me...a wonderful reminder of God's deliverance of His people. They needed only to be still and watch Him work. This beautiful picture helped me calm down and trust that God was going to work out my own situation. He has promised to take care of us.

I have only to be still. I never saw myself as a worrier. But the situation I'm in has revealed to me that I am indeed so prone to restlessness and worry. I leaned a lot more heavily on Andy than I realized. If he would talk to me about issues, I would always be the one to say, "God is sovereign...He will work it out." In essence, I let Andy do the "worrying" for me. But I no longer have him to talk things over with - I feel the weight of responsibility.

But I long to be still, to have a quiet heart, to rest in the knowledge of God's almighty hand in my affairs. 

Psalm 37:7 ~ "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him..."

Psalm 46:10 ~ "Be still and know that I am God..."

Isaiah 30:15 ~ "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."

Being still gives us the time and opportunity to contemplate God, what He is like and how He has worked in our lives in the past. Knowing Him gives us the assurance that things are in His competent hands.

Being still, though, is next to impossible for a "doer" like me. I need the Spirit's help and Jesus living through me, letting Him quiet my heart and trusting myself to His care.

Andy's condition continues to deteriorate. His tremors are out of control. If I take his hand to try to stop the tremor, instead of my stopping him, he controls my own arm so that it feels like it might just shake off. I don't know how he can stand it. Actually, it is very frustrating to him and causes anxiety. He's restless and can't sit or lie down for long. I don't think any position is comfortable for him.

I long to relieve his misery but I'm powerless. I've been reading Matthew's gospel to him, about all the miracles Jesus performed. I can't help but think that if we lived in Bible times, I'd take Andy to Jesus for healing. He is the Great Physician; He heals all our diseases. But even in Jesus' day, the people He healed all eventually died. 

So we look forward to eternal healing, where "our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) 

"Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life." (2 Corinthians 5:2-4)

Death will be swallowed up by life!  Eternal life - life as it was meant to be, forever and ever. No more sickness or ill health...fully alive in the presence of our Savior. Hallelujah!

"Carefree in the care of God."

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

How I constantly need to be reminded of these truths.

I met on Tuesday with my elder law attorney and our financial agent to discuss my financial future. They both assured me there was enough to provide for Andy's care as well as my own. I came away from the meeting relieved and praising God for Andy's foresight and provision for me/us.

You would think my fears would be silenced and I would rest in the providence of God. But no...as the week wore on, I started entertaining "what if" scenarios. Fortunately, God came to my rescue as he always does. 

He had several people call me to interact with me on what I was thinking/feeling - speaking truth into me. I've also been reading Nothing Is Impossible With God by Rose Marie Miller, recommended by a friend. 

 
This author has been through a lot but in the process, her faith has grown and through her writing, she gives credence to the goodness of God in spite of the difficulties we endure. She quotes Alister McGrath in his book, Why Does God Allow Suffering?

"Suffering serves a vital spiritual function. It reminds us of our mortality, preventing us from entertaining delusions about our nature and our future...The great prize which is set before us is none other than a relationship with God himself. But our vision is so distorted by sin that we see nothing but the lesser prizes around us. We are called by God to find our rest in him. But our hearing is so dulled that we hear only the voices of the world and its transient goals. We settle for the shadows of the grand delights for which we were created."

Those thoughts were reinforced as I read in Randy Alcorn's book, 50 Days of Heaven. He reminds us that God is a lavish giver. "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32) Alcorn expounds on this verse by stating: "The God who gave us his Son delights to graciously give us 'all things.' These 'things' are in addition to Christ, but they are never instead of him - they come 'along with him.' If we didn't have Christ, we would have nothing. But because we have Christ, we have everything."


I was trying to understand why I am having such a hard time trusting that God is going to provide for my every need. Maybe because this is so new to me. I've had 43 years of not having the final responsibility. Andy was always the one who calmed my fears and was able to convince me that things would be ok, and I believed him. It was his responsibility and out of my hands. It feels different now. I can't talk this over with Andy. The buck stops with me. Or does it??? No, the reality is that now I have a new husband, God Himself. And he is even more to be trusted than Andy was. He knows the end from the beginning. This is all in His plan and He can be trusted. This is another opportunity to preach the gospel...to tell the world that Christ is enough. I can be satisfied in Him, no matter what's happening around me or what I'm going through.

Another example of the grace of God at work in me is how I'm adapting to Andy being in the "nursing home." When Andy and I first became involved in ministry, I told Andy I just couldn't accompany him when he made hospital visits. Walking into a hospital made me feel faint...I just couldn't do it. The smell made me nauseous, the sight of blood made me feel queasy. How ironic it was that Andy himself was in the hospital numerous times with a concussion, in traction, with a parasite that attacked his white blood cells, etc. (I can't even begin to count the number of times he was hospitalized in our married life!)

I have been visiting Andy every evening at Care One - right around the dinner hour. I am getting to know the other residents, as well as the care givers. It is amazing to watch Andy as he interacts with the people. It's like he's gained a whole new congregation. I have walked in on him a number of evenings and found him on his knees beside another resident, with his hand on the arm of a man in a recliner, comforting him. Or as we talk to another resident, a lady in a wheelchair comes up to us, and he pats her on the head. He sits next to another man at dinner time and the two of them carry on a conversation that only the two of them understand. Another lady told me that Andy is so kind and gentle.

This is beautiful to watch and I am grateful for this experience. It's obvious that Andy's ministry is not over. He has been placed in this situation for a purpose and for a time. The Spirit of God is shining through him even in his illness.

A lady at church this morning told me that early on in Andy's illness, Andy had told her husband that he wanted to finish strong. I would say God is honoring that desire.

Sparrows

Jason Gray

You can't add a single day by worrying
You'll worry your life away
Oh don't worry your life away
You can't change a single thing by freaking out
It's just gonna close you in
Oh don't let the trouble win

You may feel alone
But you're not on your own

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

Lean in and it's hard to miss
Everything can change
When you make it His
Oh He wants to carry it

Carefree in the care of God
 

When you let it go
You'll find that He's enough
Oh you never leave His love

You don't walk alone

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow

There's not a single star that's out of place
There's nothing broken He can't remake
If you long for hope when you're afraid
Oh look at the sparrow
Look at the sparrow

If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
Not a field or flower escapes His notice
Oh even the sparrow
Knows He holds tomorrow
Even the sparrow knows

He holds tomorrow

Songwriters: Mia Fieldes / Jason Gray / Jonathan Lindley Smith

Sparrows lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing, Music Services, Inc