I wonder which is better: to be busy with family and friends or to stay home and "enjoy" alone time. It doesn't seem to matter because in either scenario, without any warning, I can be on the verge of tears. The thought of spending the rest of my life without Andy is so painful. I wish I could keep from thinking about that...but that's impossible.

I'm trying to keep busy. Last weekend I had Asher over for 2 nights, then took him home on Sunday. It was his birthday on Jan. 31. He turned 11 and it was such a pleasure to have him. He's fun-loving and a good conversationalist. We played 22 games of "greedy" and watched 4 movies, as well as took a very nice long hike at Palmyra Cove Nature Center. It was pretty cold but the sun was shining and we were dressed warm.

I drove Asher back Sunday morning so I went to church with the family, then we celebrated his birthday with a very nice lunch/dinner before I came back home.

And yesterday we celebrated two more birthdays: Cole turned 3 on Feb. 1 and Kasey will be 5 on Feb. 8. Dawn made a Barbie cake that both kids were excited about, yes, even Cole. Probably in another year or so, she'll have to attempt a Super-Hero cake for him.

I'm trying to keep myself centered on Scripture and the love of the Lord for me, His child. I recently subscribed to the Desiring God website, where they send me daily articles. This morning, there was a feature by Vaneetha Risner that ministered to me. The Executive Editor of Desiring God introduced her article with these words:

From psalms and prophecies to epistles, the Bible did not come to people on extended vacations. They were suffering. Life was hard. They were desperate for a word from God.

I’m thankful when God meets me on happy days. But I have found it to be true, time and time again, that the Bible really comes alive when I’m desperate. When I’m hurting. In the worst of times. 

Vaneetha Risner has discovered something similar. “When I opened the Bible [in desperation], I needed God to feed me. . . . The more I had to search, the sweeter the manna tasted, the deeper the words penetrated, and the more precious the truths became.” Perhaps you’ve tasted something similar. Glean from Vaneetha’s story of learning to read the Bible through tears.

Her name sounded familiar to me because I had read a book she had written: The Scars That Have Shaped Me. She writes: "My scars remind me that God is sufficient and that physical perfection is not our goal. A life lived to God's glory is infinitely more valuable...My scars signify healing. And even though my initial flesh wounds have healed, there is yet a deeper healing in acceptance."

She references Michael Card's song, Known by the Scars:

The marks of death that God chose never to erase
The wounds of love's eternal war
When the kingdom comes with its perfected sons
He will be known by the scars.
 Songwriters: Michael Card

Known by the Scars lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Vaneetha reminds us that "God chose not to erase these marks of death -- the wounds of his love for us -- so our Savior will always be known by his scars. Rather than physical imperfections, Jesus's scars are breathtakingly beautiful. They represent his love and our salvation."

I spent a couple of weeks reading The Joy of Fearing God by Jerry Bridges. One of his chapters focused on the "stewardship of pain." This was interesting to think about and I liked his explanation..."If we believe God is sovereignly in control of all circumstances of our lives, then our pain is something He has given to us just as much as our time or talents or treasure. He has entrusted the pain to us as stewards to be used for His glory. How can we be good stewards of the pain God gives us? One way...is to trust Him even though we don't understand the purpose of the pain. Another way is to ask for and experience the sufficiency of His sustaining grace, as Paul did with his thorn in the flesh, to the extent that we can actually rejoice in our weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on us (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). We can then, as God gives opportunity, testify to the sufficiency of His sustaining grace. In doing so, however, we want to seek the glory of His grace, not the glory of our ability to endure."

At first I questioned the phrase that God gives us pain. As I reflected on that, though, the Lord reminded me that when Job was tested, he was not told of the conversation between God and Satan. But he praised God, trusting Him and worshiping Him with these words: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." The God gives a commentary on this statement by adding in the very next verse that "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:21 & 22)

And in the next chapter, after Job's wife counsels him to curse God and die, Job answers her by saying: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" And again, God comments that "in all this, Job did not sin in what he said." (Job 2:10)

People often use suffering as an indictment against God, but in reality, it is our own sin that has cursed our world. Adam and Eve in the Garden chose to disobey, even though God warned them that to do so would result in death. We live with pain and suffering here, but even though it's our, and all of humankind's, fault, He does not leave us in this sorry, pitiful condition."God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

I continue to be amazed at His love for me. I was reading in Isaiah 43 and kept my Bible open all week to this passage so that I could read and ponder it every day.

Isaiah 43:1-5
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God...Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 
and because I love you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Isaiah wrote these words to the Israelites as they were going into captivity, but they apply to us today, as well, because this is the character of God and how He deals with His children.

How good is the God we adore!

Staff building...bury the hatchet...do those two phrases go together? Hmmm...depends on the staff and what you mean by burying the hatchet.

It was pastor's idea. All the pastors, interns and office staff did a 5th Wednesday special activity together which happened to be at a facility called "Bury the Hatchet." It's really more a guy thing, but I did participate, along with two other women. I confess up front that I did not do very well. In fact, I did pathetically horrible. I could get the hatchet to hit the target, but I didn't have enough strength to get it to stick, so it hit, then fell off. 

I knew from the beginning I had no chance of doing well but it was an interesting activity and the comradery and competitiveness was fun to be part of. In a way, it wasn't really very fair because after all, 1) I'm a lot older than the other participants; 2) I'm female with no testosterone; 3) I'm shorter than everyone else. So those are my excuses and I'm sticking to them.

I was able to spend some time with Kasey on Tuesday. I met a friend for coffee in the morning, then went and picked up Kasey. I brought her back to my house for some girl time. We bonded by playing Candyland and dressing up like princesses.

She allowed me to braid her hair which is fun for me. (A few days later, she still had those braids so I guess it was fun for her, too.)

We have a lot of birthdays this time of year. Asher's is January 31. He turned 10. I went and picked him up on Friday and brought him back to the house. What a delightful boy he is. I had such a good time with him one on one. He loves the game of Greedy, and we played 10 games in the night and day he was with me. We played a few other games just to add a little variety, but we always came back to Greedy. 

It was freezing cold on Saturday but we had to do our traditional birthday hike. We dressed warmly and went over to Long Bridge Park. The outside temperature was 24 degrees. Brrr. There was ice along the shore of the Rancocas Creek, which was fun for Asher to  step on and try to break. Then of course, he had to try using the broken pieces like skipping stones. I don't know how he could stand to hold those ice pieces but they didn't seem to bother him.

After our hike, we stopped in to see Andy. Asher played three pieces on the piano for us to enjoy. Then of course, we had to avail ourselves of the ice cream parlor.

The rest of the day was spent in more games of Greedy! I'm always intrigued at how the kids can occupy themselves. I needed to spend some time in preparing the evening meal when everyone would be joining us. So Asher stayed busy by arranging the tri-omino tiles in various designs to bring about different results.

The rest of the family arrived by 4:00 pm - all the kids, spouses and grandkids. It was wild and crazy. After the meal of baked ziti, two kinds of salads, homemade rolls, and blueberry dessert, we were entertained by Tommy and Dawn, as we tried to determine who had the biggest biceps! Laughter is good medicine, right?

And one more party today...this one for Kasey and Cole at Dawn's house. Cole's birthday was Feb. 1 and Kasey's will be Feb. 8, one week apart, celebrating ages 2 and 4. They got so many presents. It was like Christmas all over again.

I am so grateful for the family God has blessed me with. It makes my heartache bearable.

I'm currently reading 90 Days of God's Goodness by Randy Alcorn. I always appreciate his perspective. 




On Day 18, he referenced the two men walking on the road to Emmaus with Jesus after the resurrection. He compared their situation to our own. "Many of us, without realizing it, have walked the Emmaus road. Sorrow overwhelms us. Questions plague us. We wonder where God is...when all along he walks beside us."

Isn't that the truth? He has promised to never leave us, he is always with us, his Spirit lives within us. So even in our darkest hours, even though we may not feel like he is with us, he still is. This is a great comfort to me. And on another day (page 73), Randy adds that "no matter how bad the present, an eternity with Christ in Heaven will completely overshadow it." Some day when we're in our Savior's presence, we'll be able to say that the things we're going through now are "light and momentary troubles." 

In another day's reading, Randy reminds us that there will be eternal triumph over temporary suffering (day 22). "The Cross is God's answer to the question, 'Why don't you do something about evil?' God did do something...and what he did was so great and unprecedented that it shook the angelic realm's foundation. It ripped in half, from the top down, not only the temple curtain but the fabric of the universe itself...Evil and suffering formed the crucible in which God demonstrated his love to humankind. His love comes to us soaked in divine blood...God does not merely empathize with our sufferings, He actually suffers. Jesus is God ("the exact representation of His being," Hebrews 1:3). What Jesus suffered, God suffered. God allowed and ordained Jesus' temporary suffering so he could prevent our eternal suffering."

This world is not what it was meant to be
All this pain, all this suffering
There's a better place
Waiting for me
In Heaven

Every tear will be wiped away
Every sorrow and sin erased
We'll dance on seas of amazing grace
In Heaven
In Heaven

 I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Home

Lay down my burdens, I lay down my past
I run to Jesus, no turning back
Thank God Almighty, I'll be free at last
In Heaven
In Heaven
I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong

Blinded eyes will finally see
The dead will rise on the shores of eternity
The trump will sound, the angels will sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I am goin' home

Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Where I belong

I'm goin' home
I'm goin' home
I'm on my way home
I'm goin' home 
 Writer(s): Chris Tomlin, Jason Ingram, Jonas Myrin, Ed Cash 

"So then, those who suffer according to God's plan should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:19

I memorized 1 Peter several years ago, but in reviewing recently, I came to this verse again. It is rich with meaning. I am suffering according to God's plan for me, so what can I do but rest in his sovereignty and trust his faithfulness. As I wait on him, I have hope - a sure hope - that gives me courage and strength to continue living for him. 

And as I take my eyes off my desperate situation and back on to my big God, he brings moments of joy and pleasure. He meets my needs in amazing and unanticipated ways. 

I'm concerned that Andy is developing another UTI. He finished a 30 day round of antibiotics the end of May, but this last week has been displaying some symptoms again. He has been extremely exhausted and lacking in appetite. 

I almost feel guilty about enjoying my life as it is right now, when Andy is suffering so. But I try to share my experiences with him, as much as he can understand.

On Monday afternoon, I went and got Naomi because her birthday was Wednesday. Years ago, we wanted to be as intentional as possible to pour into the next generation. So on their birthdays, we have them come to spend a night and a day with us. They make a list of activities they want to do while with us, and we have a great time with them. Andy was always so good at providing the fun: riding bikes with the kids, making up silly rules, shooting the bb gun at a hand made target, practicing with his bow and arrows, and various other activities. Now that he's no longer home, I really want to keep on being involved with the grandkids, even though I feel like I don't have as much to offer. 

I did have a good time with Naomi, though. It's such a joy to have another person in the house. How quiet it is most of the time, with no one to talk to, no one to eat dinner with, no one else around. Naomi is a good conversationalist. As the kids get older (she's 12 now), meaningful conversations are much more the norm. 

On Monday evening, she went with me to visit Andy. Then when we returned home, we watched a movie and ate ice cream together. The next morning, she wanted to bake a blueberry pie for her dessert with the family. I found a recipe that looked good, and we worked at it together.
 

The pies turned out to be delicious.

The day was dreary with periods of drizzle and misty rain. But by lunch time, it seemed we would stay relatively dry for a hike. We were so glad we went to Rancocas State Park because we saw some interesting things along that 3.2 mile hike.

All along the trail we saw holes in the sand and near those holes, lots of empty egg shells. We were conjecturing on what kind of eggs they might be and guessing turtle, when we saw this.

Don't get too close to these turtles. They are not friendly. Snapping turtles can bite off a finger.

We also saw a fawn through the foliage, well camoflauged. I tried to get a picture, but by the time I got the camera to focus and zoom in, he took off. 

I got a call from Dawn later in the week to ask if I was available to babysit Cole on Saturday afternoon/evening. I said I would make it work. She and Tommy had a wedding to attend. Kasey and Kira were spending time with another set of grandparents, but Cole would be taking his nap when Dawn had to leave. It turned out to be another time of joy (more than just a moment - many moments). He is such a sweet boy. I got him up from his nap, and he was pleasant and happy the rest of the time I had him.

I took him to see Andy, which didn't really work out too well. Andy needed as much attention as Cole, so I didn't stay there very long - just long enough to get Cole some ice cream.

 

He's getting more adept at eating ice cream, although still pretty messy!

Cole and I had dinner together, then spent the rest of the time outside, playing and walking around the neighborhood several times.

  

 I got to rock him and sing to him before putting him to bed. What a treat (for me!).

You see God gives me many moments of joy. And one more this week...in Thursday's mail, I received a card from someone in our church. When I opened it, I was shocked to  see there were two $100 gift cards included. So kind of the Lord to remind me he hasn't forgotten me.

I continue to read to Andy every evening that I visit him. I've been wondering if he understands what I'm reading or how he's processing it. My usual routine is to read a couple chapters from the Bible, then rest my voice a minute or two before reading from one of the books we've always enjoyed together. I'm currently reading The Lord of the Rings. 

One evening as I was reading through Corinthians, Andy stopped me to say, "that was really good. Who wrote that?" I told him it was the Bible, Paul had written to the Corinthian church. His next comment was, "He did a good job!"

Another time, he questioned me about the Lord of the Rings story, wondering when it took place. I told him it wasn't real, but fantasy, and he was amazed!

My gardens continue to show off. This week, another of my gumpo pink azaleas decided to go all out. A little behind the other one, but better late than never, right?

And I can't help but keep looking out my back kitchen window at the clematis. It is so lovely with the sun shining on it.

What brings the most joy, though, is my relationship with the Lord. How good he is to me. If I had nothing (no house, no family, no money), I would still have everything in Jesus. 

"Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25, 26 

As much fun as it is to have all the grandkids together - all in one place, it's hard to spend any one-on-one time with them since they're more interested in playing with each other. That's good because it's happy to see them enjoying their cousins. But years ago, when the kids began coming fast and furiously, we decided to start the tradition of having each child over to spend the night and the next day on their birthdays. This has been a lot of fun over the years but because of Andy's illness and all the care he required from me, we had to suspend that tradition all last year.

Now that Andy's being cared for by Care One Harmony Village, I decided if the kids wanted to, I'd like to have them over again this year. I wasn't sure how the boys would feel about that since their Poppop wouldn't be here. After all, he was a lot of fun and would ride the bikes with the boys, set up a target and shoot the bb gun or the bows and arrows. Would the boys be happy spending the time with me??? 

I floated the idea and question to Christy, and there was no hesitation from Asher. His birthday is the first in the year, and he was so excited about the prospect of coming over to Grammy's house. He made up his list of what he wanted to do while here with me.

I'm glad he included "go to sleep" on the list! We had a wonderful time together, watching a movie, playing games, eating ice cream (this was an extra not on the list)

and taking a hike.

After lunch we went over to visit with Andy. Asher played a few pieces on the piano for him and the other residents who happened to be out in the lobby.
 

We had a wonderful time. Asher said it "was the best birthday ever!" And it was a marvelous break from the routine of my life - a definite bright spot.

Asher had requested strawberry pie for his dessert, rather than a cake. I offered to make it but wasn't too happy with the way it turned out the previous time I had made it. Then a couple days before, I saw an idea that I thought might work better, making a shortbread crust instead of a regular pie crust. That actually worked out really well for a couple of reasons. One pie for all of us just isn't enough unless you cut the slices really small and thr shortbread crust was enough for a 9x13 pan. Another is that a shortbread crust would taste better (butter and sugar - yum!). It was a hit! Strawberries any time are a treat, but especially in January!

And make sure you slather lots of whipped cream on top!

  
Making a wish and blowing out the candles.
 

I was very thankful for the lovely beginning to the week. 

Andy was admitted to the memory care facility as a 30 day respite patient. After the first 30 days, he rolled over into another 30 days while I tried to nail down my finances and how I was going to pay for his care. By Wednesday, I was ready to submit the application. When I did so, I was given a sheet with what I owed. I was a little unprepared for the shock of one-time, first month fees. So early Thursday morning, I had to call my financial agent to let him know I needed more money and how much. After work, he gave me a call to inform me I needed to sign some documents, then fax them to NWM for them to release the money I needed. I also needed to go to my bank to move some money around to keep my checks to Care One from bouncing until NWM got the money into my accounts. 

All this was on my mind...yes, I was very distracted. So as I got in my car to take care of these details, I forgot to open the garage door before I backed out. Ugh! Now I'm stuck and can't go anywhere. Fortunately, Andy's brother was here at the house with his mom and dad. I had to eat humble pie and ask Dan and his dad to see if they could open the garage door so I could get out. They worked on the door for about an hour to disassemble it before they were able to get it open. It was very bent and out of whack. 

Another fortunate detail is that I know someone from church who repairs garage doors. This is thanks to Andy who knew lots of people and their abilities and expertise. So I called him to tell him what I did and could he help. He said that would be easy to fix and he would come over to assess what needed to be done. After he was here, he said it wasn't as easy as what he thought and would require a little more - but it could be fixed. He is working on it right now and it's looking good!

It's hard to know how to answer people when they ask how Andy's doing. It's very meaningful to me that people ask - it's an indication that they care. The difficulty in answering, though, is that sometimes he's doing pretty well and other times, pretty bad. One day last week, he didn't feel well at all. He had diarrhea and severe tremors in his hand. Because of the tremors, he wasn't going to eat, so I fed him. 

The next night I visited, he was fixated on needing to call JH, with whom he had worked 20 years ago. He was determined he needed to talk to him about a project they were working on and was upset that someone was stealing from the job. I tried to distract him and tell him I would call JH later. But he was insistent that he needed to talk to him now. I finally got firm and said, "Andy, I'm not going to call JH." Then he was fine and dropped the subject. He was obviously anxious about this, though, and it was weighing on him because he had a hard time concentrating on my reading to him the rest of the evening. 

Another night, he told me with tears in his eyes, "I just want to go and be with Jesus." I agreed with him that that would be wonderful, then I played him a song I had recently purchased on itunes:

Soon
 Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness and crowned with love
When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I’ll be going
To the place He has prepared for me
There my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders 'round the throne
At His feet I’ll lay my crowns My worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon
   2010 Hillsong Church T A Hillsong Music Australia  

I have been playing this song to myself once or twice (sometimes more) every day and it has really ministered to me to think of being with Jesus soon - the One I love. I'm so glad I was able to play it for Andy.

This month is our biggest month for birthdays. Asher's was Jan. 31 (almost Feb.), then Cole's is Feb. 1, Dawn's is Feb. 3, Kasey's is Feb. 8, Christy's is Feb. 11 and mine is Feb. 13. So of course, we had to celebrate. Everyone was able to come down yesterday for a meal together. We served two kinds of soups, homemade rolls, with carrot cake and ice cream. The kids had a lovely time playing together and the adults enjoyed conversation around the table. It was a great ending to a long day for me. 

My Saturdays tend to be pretty long. I get a lot done, but then it's done and I'm not sure what to do the rest of the day. After a while, I'm tired of reading, one or two games of Scrabble is enough, laundry is done...what else is there? So having a house full of kids and family is a perfect distraction. I no longer feel alone or lonely, and my house is far from quiet!

 

The Birthday People

I've been reading to Andy every night when I visit him. I started reading through the Psalms. I don't think he always understands what I'm reading. Sometimes he seems to, but other times he interrupts me with whatever he's "working" on. But I'm hoping that there are bits that sometimes sink in and register with him and bring him comfort. If not him, at the least, I'm gaining some comfort myself.

Tonight I was reading Psalm 46. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." (verses 1-3)

In Pastor's sermon this morning, he mentioned that the most often repeated command in Scripture is, "Don't be afraid," or "fear not." I remember him saying this in previous sermons, and it's a good reminder. God doesn't just give us this command and leave it at that, but he follows it up with, "for I am with you." 

And later in Psalm 46, the psalmist tells us to "Be still and know that I am God..." (verse 10) and in verse 11: "The Lord Almighty is with us." The great God who created the universe, then stooped down to shower us with his love and grace in the person of Jesus, His Son - that God is with me, guiding, directing, going with me every step of the way.