Dawn met me at Care One on Monday evening with the kids. We had the usual ice cream in the ice cream parlor, then went back to Andy's room with him. He was more alert that he usually is and he obviously enjoyed the children.
But the rest of the week, he was in distress. The tremors really bother him. I don't think he's in pain, but the constant uncontrollable shaking is hard to ignore and causes him anxiety.
The nurse told me that his medications have been changed which may take his body a couple of days to get accustomed to the new regimen. I think the doctors are trying to ease his tremors, but at this point, nothing seems to be working.
On Friday evening when I arrived, Andy was already eating his dinner. I took over for the care giver. He would open his mouth as the fork came to his mouth, but he was practically catatonic and unresponsive otherwise. When he finally finished the meal, I helped him back to his room. He was shaking so violently and was in such distress that I promised him I would find the nurse. When the nurse came in, she advised him to lie on the bed on his left side. When he did so, his right hand stopped shaking. I got a wet washcloth to put on his forehead because his room was hot. He lay quietly for about 10 minutes, then sat up and seemed perfectly normal. It was the strangest thing. Did the medicine finally kick in? What made the difference between the violent shaking and catatonic state to the feeling better enough to sit up and engage with his surroundings? It's so puzzling.
I've also had some stressful situations at home with Andy's mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year or so after Andy was. She is still home, living in the in-law apartment attached to our house. I am not very involved in caring for her, but she does live in my house. She has always enjoyed doing laundry, but recently, it has become almost an obsession or fixation for her. I have noticed her doing laundry nearly every day. And when I do my own laundry, she thinks its hers so she goes into the laundry room and pushes buttons or takes clothes out of the washer or dryer when it's not even hers. I have to watch her constantly.
In the last week or two, she's been "washing" items that shred apart in the washer and dryer, making a huge mess for either Dad or myself to clean up. On Monday when I got home from work, I walked into the laundry room to find Dad with the vacuum cleaner trying to vacuum out lint from the dryer. There was already a large pile of lint on the dryer that he had been able to get out. He suggested I call someone to come clean out the dryer vent because there was so much lint, he was afraid it would cause a fire and be a danger.
Well, this caused me so much stress. I felt that the best solution was to put a lock on the laundry room door to keep her out. But would that be kind because it was one thing she loved to do. But it wouldn't be kind to let her continue to destroy the appliances.So I did not sleep all night, just thinking about all of this. What is the solution? I remember thinking in the middle of the night: "I quit. This is all too hard."
But the next morning, reality hit. I can't quit. This is a new day - the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The night seemed so dark and the hours ticked by so slowly, but the morning brought hope and even joy because his mercies are new every morning.
Then I read about Julian of Norwich in a book we have on our shelf, Devotional Classics. She lived from 1343 - 1413 and had a deep desire to know and love God. She wrote: "I wanted to experience every kind of pain, bodily and spiritual, which I would have if I were to die - every fear and temptation. I intended this because I wanted to be purged by God's mercy and afterwards live more to his glory because of that sickness."
I was in awe. She actually wanted to suffer. But the purpose of that suffering was so she could share in Christ's sufferings and know God better. It's obvious she did enjoy a beautiful relationship with her Lord because she also writes: "We are so preciously loved by God that we cannot even comprehend it. No created being can ever know how much and how sweetly and tenderly God loves them. It is only with the help of his grace that we are able to persevere in spiritual contemplation with endless wonder at his high, surpassing, immeasurable love which our Lord in his goodness has for us."
Everyone suffers in some way. None of us would chose how we would "like" to suffer. I don't suffer with an unbelieving husband or with wayward children or life in a country halfway around the world being persecuted for my faith. My suffering is mine, and I believe God doesn't waste experiences. He can use what we are going through to show his might, power and love as he enables us to endure, praise him in the storm and grow in our love for him. He also lovingly opens our eyes to reveal our hearts to us...how self-centered, impatient, prone to want the easy way out, etc. In fact, the seed of every sin is in my own heart. He shows us our hearts so that we can repent and realize we need his help to live a life that pleases him.
When my eyes are open to it, I have much to be thankful for. This past week, a friend came over to help me adjust the timers on my lights. While he was here, he changed a couple bulbs that had burned out and were too high in my cathedral ceilings for me to take care of. I also received a card from someone who had gone to our church years ago. She told me she had been to Care One with her job and was surprised to see Andy there. She met with him and shared a verse with him that she had read that morning in her private devotional time. This meant a lot to me. She not only helped Andy, but also took the time to write me a note to tell me about her time with him.
Yesterday I drove up to see Amy and her family. I just hung out with them, reading books to the kids, watching their "exploits," doing errands with Amy, just being with them. Katy the youngest is taking gymnastic lessons which is perfect for her. She has so much energy and was eager to perform for me. She was proud of herself being able to jump rope on the trampoline. She kept on, over and over. If I had one tenth of her energy, I could get a lot done!
And here's a lovely handstand on the trampoline. I don't think I could ever in my life do a headstand, let alone a handstand. She is very agile and talented.
What a fun time I had with the family.
The week also provided an opportunity to have lunch with a friend on Tuesday. She is going through a hard time, and we were able to encourage one another with the Scriptures and reminders of the goodness of God.
At church today I enjoyed numerous conversations with friends and even met a few new people. After church I joined several others at a Thai restaurant, grateful for the chance to be with fellow believers on a day that usually feels long.
Another excerpt from Devotional Classics written by Soren Kierkegaard, was so encouraging to me this week. He wrote a prayer to God: "You who are unchangeable, whom nothing changes! You who are unchangeable in love, precisely for our welfare, not submitting to any change: may we too will our welfare, submitting ourselves to the discipline of Your unchangeableness, so that we may in unconditional obedience find our rest and remain at rest in Your unchangeableness. You are not like us; if we are to preserve only some degree of constancy, we must not permit ourselves too much to be moved, nor by too many things. You on the contrary are moved, and moved in infinite love, by all things. Even that which we human beings call an insignificant trifle, and pass by unmoved, the need of a sparrow, even this moves You; and what we so often scarcely notice, a human sigh, this moves You, You who are unchangeable! You who in infinite love do submit to be moved, may this our prayer also move You to add Your blessing, in order that there may be brought about such a change in us who pray as to bring us into conformity with Your unchangeable will, You who are unchangeable."
What a beautiful concept: God is unchangeable, but is moved by our sighs. We are worth much more than the sparrow and He keeps track of our tears.
Psalm 56:8 ~ "Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll— are they not in your record?"
Psalm 126:5 ~ "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy."
Sorrow may come in the night, but joy comes with the morning. Great is His faithfulness.
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