"With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings."

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

It was pretty hot and humid to be out hiking, but the spring scenery was so pretty and the time spent with a friend made it all worth while. We hiked for 7 miles and I admit, I was dragging by the time we got back to the car. That was a lot for an "old" lady like me, especially in that heat and humidity. But I lived to tell about it!

I don't regret being out in nature in that weather because it's always an opportunity to worship the Creator as I observe and soak in his beautiful creation.

I had my usual ups and downs this week. On Monday morning, there was an envelope on my desk addressed to me. When I opened it, someone had assured me of their continued prayers and included $100 in cash. What a blessing. I put the card away and forgot about it as I did my work. In the afternoon, I received a call that a check I had written for Andy's care at Harmony Village had bounced. What??? My heart dropped to my toes. That didn't make any sense at all since I had written the check on my home equity line of credit, which had been approved. So I called the bank to inquire what was going on. They had to research the problem, but when they called me back, they admitted it was their fault. Well, that was all fine and good...but now I was an emotional mess. I couldn't stop thinking about it and worrying that Harmony Village would be concerned about my reliability for future payments. 

When I got home from work, as I was emptying my briefcase of paperwork, I came across the card from that morning. Oh yes, it was a reminder to me that God had known all along what was going to happen that day and provided me with a "little" reassurance to pick me back up. How good He is to me.

Andy is doing about the same. I don't know how he is during the day when I'm not there, except what the care givers tell me. They are encouraging him to go outside now that the weather is a little nicer. He doesn't seem to have the stamina or strength he did last summer. After I help him with his dinner each evening, all he wants to do is go to his room to lie down. Most evenings, he falls asleep while I'm reading to him, and doesn't even wake up when I leave. I expect him to because the door needs some WD-40 to stop the creaking when I open it. But he doesn't stir. His tremors are extreme and severe at times. Fortunately, they are not constant, there are moments of relief. He doesn't seem to be as bothered by them, and I sense he's more at peace about them. I wonder if it's part of the Parkinson's -withdrawing inward. Who knows?

I am currently reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper.

 

I think most people desire for their life to count. But what do we want it to count for? Pastor has often mentioned that God doesn't waste experiences. And I certainly don't want my experience to be wasted. I can't help but think that with an experience this difficult, there must be a reason for it. What is the purpose? One of Piper's chapters is entitled: Risk is Right--Better to Lose Your Life than to Waste It. He defines risk as "an action that exposes you to the possibility of loss or injury." Although my situation isn't technically a "risk," there are principles that apply. For instance, "risk is possible because we don't know how things will turn out. This means that God can take no risks. He knows the outcome of all his choices before they happen...And since he knows the outcome of all his actions before they happen, he plans accordingly. His omniscience rules out the very possibility of taking risks." (page 80)

"Every direction you turn there are unknowns and things beyond your control." "Safety is a mirage." 

Piper gives three examples of people in the Bible who risked all for God. They made a decision even though they didn't know how things would turn out, then left the results up to God. There was Joab in 2 Samuel 10 who led the battle against Israel's enemies, saying to his brother: "Be of good courage, and let us be courageous for our people, and for the cities of our God, and may the Lord do what seems good to him."

And what about Esther when realizing the danger she and the Jews were in, promised Mordecai she would do what she could by going to the king, saying: "If I perish, I perish."

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego showed the same resolve as they refused to bow down to the image Nebechadnezzar had erected for the people to worship. They told the king: "Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." 

By God's grace and enablement, I want to display that same resolve. I pray for my situation to go a certain way, but even if it doesn't, I want to trust God that He has a better plan than mine. I must leave the results up to God, surrendering my will to His. May he do what seems good to him.

Paul tells the churches in Acts 14:22, that "we must enter the kingdom of God through many tribulations." Our earthly life is one of great uncertainty. "Not all will die for the cause of Christ. But not all will live either. Some will die. And some will live. This is what [Piper means] by risk. It is the will of God that we be uncertain about how life on this earth will turn out for us."

"There is risk everywhere. But this very risk is the means by which the value of Christ shines more brightly." And isn't that the point, after all? To be a means of showing how precious Christ is, how his grace is enough for our situation, how valuable he is to us. 

..."To know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..." Philippians 3:10

"Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Our church had a ladies retreat this weekend. The theme for the weekend was "perseverance" and discipleship. I was honored to be invited to be part of a panel for the perseverance theme. I don't really feel like I'm an expert at persevering, but when I told my daughter that, she responded with some very kind and encouraging words: "...Being that an expert is someone who has a comprehensive knowledge about a particular subject I would say you qualify to talk about suffering. Maybe you don't feel that you are suffering well, but you do know it well and will certainly have wisdom to share. I'm sure it will be good for you and I'm glad you are going."

I'm glad I did it. I spent a lot of time this past week thinking about the subject, looking up Scripture and praying about how the Lord could use me to minister and encourage others who are going through hard times. One of the questions that was asked was: "How have you maintained your faithfulness in your journey?"

Anyone who reads my blog knows I am a reader. I constantly have 2 or 3 books going. I choose books that will challenge me in my walk with the Lord, books that focus on the goodness of God, on the purpose of suffering, or biographies of people who have endured through hard times. 

Here is a list of some of my favorite books:
1. Be Still My Soul, by Nancy Guthrie
2. The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone
3. Holding on to Hope, by Nancy Guthrie
4. Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, by Nancy Guthrie
5. If God is Good, by Randy Alcorn
6. Walking with God through Pain and Suffering, by Timothy Keller
7. When God Weeps, by Joni Eareckson Tada
8. A Place of Healing, by Joni Eareckson Tada
9. Jesus Wept, by Bruce Marchiano
10. Abide in Christ, by Andrew Murray

Music also ministers to me. Often times, songs are developed in the heart of the song writer because of difficulties they are facing. Those kinds of songs speak to the heart, reminding us of God's faithfulness, love and presence. 

My suggestions of songs that are uplifting and God honoring:
1. O My Soul, All My Days by Casting Crowns
2. More Than Anything, by Natalie Grant
3. Even If, by Mercy Me
4. Reckless Love, by Cory Asbury 
5. Trust in You, by Lauren Daigle 
6. The Cross Has the Final Word, by the Newsboys
7. At the Cross, by Chris Tomlin


And there are many more.

One of the things I mentioned that helps me through the hard times is Scripture memory. Years ago, when I started memorizing Scripture, I promised God I wouldn't brag about how many verses I knew by heart. It would be a secret between him and me. But I felt him prompting me to mention the importance of "hiding God's Word in our hearts." I confessed that I have memorized whole books of the Bible, as well as whole portions of other meaningful texts. The reason I felt this is an important step in being able to cope with life's trials is that now when I have a night where I can't sleep, I have something to think about. Reviewing passages I have memorized places my mind in the right place - instead of going to the worry place. I do that anyway, but I'm so grateful that I can leave the worry and go to the Scriptures for peace and comfort. Sometimes, I review for hours, but usually, it only takes a minute or two before I feel myself relaxing and drifting back to sleep. 

One of the passages I memorized a while back was 2 Peter 1:1-11. As I was reviewing it this week, I was struck with the word "perseverance" in the middle of a list of qualities that we receive as a result of knowing Jesus. Perseverance is next to godliness (not cleanliness!). But that list of qualities, faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, love, are given to us by Jesus' divine power for life and godliness.

All of life is dependent on Jesus living in and through me. Apart from Him I can do nothing. He is faithful and helps me to be faithful. He is the God of encouragement and encourages me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and He helps me to persevere. Even the perseverance is from Him. Without Him, I would quit...this is too hard. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ~ "May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." He certainly didn't quit, but was faithful to the task the Father had planned for our salvation.

Spring is taking its good old time to warm up. Everyone seems so ready for it to get warmer, but I think the flowers are staying with us longer because it's cooler. It's like they're refrigerated!
 

 I "borrowed" a book I saw at Christy's the last time I was at her house. It wasn't even her book, someone had loaned it to her. And I didn't ask her permission to read it, I just picked it up and told her I wanted to read it! So because of that, I felt I needed to read it quickly since I didn't ask permission and since it wasn't hers. The book was When God Doesn't Fix It by Laura Story. She tells the story of how after only one year of marriage, her husband developed a brain tumor. He underwent surgery to remove the tumor, but the surgery affected his vision and his short term memory. He will never get better. He's young with a young family. Laura is the bread winner, working a full time job, taking care of him and her children. How does she do it? She writes candidly and honestly about their situation. She felt prompted to tell her story, "a story without an ending. A story, not of hope, but of being held by Him during [her] hopelessness."

It got me to thinking. How often have I wondered "how long..." It's already been 5 years that Andy has been ill. He continues to decline, it's painful to visit him and see him suffering. How long??? But there others who are suffering and have suffered their whole life. I know a family that has a severely disabled daughter. She is currently 18 years old, has been in and out of the hospital those 18 years. How long can this family endure? I know another woman whose husband died several years ago. She has a daughter who is in her 40's with the mental capacity of a 3 year old. How does she endure? Or what about Joni Eareckson Tada who has been a quadriplegic for 50 years?

Then I was reading Psalm 13 where David asked 4 times in the first 2 verses: "How long?"

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" But then David appeals to the Lord.

"Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death."

And he concludes with this declaration of his faith in God: "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

What a perfect ending to our angst and questions...look to God, trust Him, focus on his goodness and love and the many blessings we enjoy.

Spring is making the attempt. It's still chilly, but the flowers are starting to bloom and the trees are budding.
 

My yard work was hanging over my head. There was so much to do and I finally had some time and energy to get out there. I spent all Saturday morning raking little sticks and branches into piles, then bagging them and getting them to the street. It felt good to be out there working, but I have to admit, I'm pretty sore and tired today. There is still more to do, but I'm happy to be well on my way.
 

I didn't have a lot of appointments this week, but I did some babysitting on Friday evening so Dawn could get a little time out. Earlier in the week, I drove Tommy to the Atlantic City airport for his flight to Nicaragua and a week of surfing.

This coming week I have an appointment with my attorney to work on the Medicaid application for Andy. I'm a little nervous about that, but am excited at the same time. Hopefully, I will get some closure on that process and be able to submit the application soon.

Visits with Andy remain difficult. I never know what to expect. One night he can lie down on the bed when I take him to his room, then peacefully fall asleep. The next night, he will be restless, pacing around the room, and even leaving while I'm still there. A couple of times this week, I read the story of David and Goliath to him. Yesterday, when I finished the chapter, he commented, "That is a really good story." Sometimes I understand what he is saying, but most of the time, I don't. And he "talks" constantly. I've learned to either make agreeable noises (uh-huh, oh really? oh, that's good, etc.) or to tell him it's all taken care of and he doesn't need to worry about it.

I'm reading through Be Still, My Soul again. The book is a compilation of different authors' articles on suffering. The sub-title of of the book is: "Embracing God's Purpose and Provision in Suffering." When you're in the middle of suffering, it's so helpful and comforting to be reminded that God does have a purpose in what we're going through. Chapter 17 is written by Donald A. Carson, who is a Research Professor of New Testament at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He wrote about dying well. He says "we are all under sentence of death; we are all terminal cases." It's hard for us in America to think like this because so many of us live the "good life." We can pretty much buy whatever we want and if we get sick, there are so many medications for doctors to prescribe. But really, we're not living in the real world if we don't face our mortality. Dr. Carson asks: "Is not some of the pain and sorrow in this life used in God's providential hand to make us homesick for heaven?" I know that has helped direct my thoughts a lot toward heaven. Are you kidding? Who wouldn't be eager to live a life of "no more sickness, no more tears, no more death"?

Revelation 21:4 ~ "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Dr. Carson makes the point that the "time of death becomes far less daunting a factor when seen in the light of eternity. Although death remains a formidable opponent, it is, from another perspective, the portal through which we pass to consummated life. We pass through death, and death dies."

I don't know that I ever thought of death in that way, but it is so true. Death will die. It will never happen again when we are in heaven. Everyone dies...but only once. Jesus conquered death by his resurrection, and so we too will have victory over death.  We will pass from death to life. 

2 Corinthians 5:4 ~ ..."what is mortal will be swallowed up in life." I love that picture! Life is more powerful than death, like light is more powerful than darkness. Even a small candle can pierce the darkness.

Isaiah 25:8 ~ "He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces..."

1 Corinthians 15:54-56 ~ "When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immorality, then the saying that is written will come true: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.' 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O Death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

This is our hope. Some day all this suffering and heartache will be over and we'll be forever with our Lord and Savior.

1 Thessalonians 4:17b-18 ~ "And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."

Every year I read through the Bible at least once and about this time, December, when I get to the minor prophets, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the sin of the Israelites. God pleads with them to return to him. He reminds them of his kindness to them and promises judgment if they don't repent and leave their wickedness. I can't help but wonder how they can stray so far from Him. He's always so faithful and loving toward them, His children. They've been eyewitnesses to His miracles in providing for them, fighting their battles, speaking to them by angels and prophets. But they still reject Him, preferring to run after false gods. 

Then I am reminded that I do the same thing. I, too, forget the kindness and faithfulness of God. But the difference in our new covenant era, is that my sin and forgetfulness are  covered under the blood of Jesus...not to be brought up and held against me. 

Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

Colossians 1:22 -  "But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation..."

But even in the Old Testament, God was showing His kindness to His children, as wayward as they were. He speaks through Hosea: "I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them." (Hosea 11:4) 

And what about Psalm 103:8-13 ~ "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever; He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him..."

Such an amazing truth...

Even when I lack the faith to believe, even when I am discouraged, even when I make bad decisions, even when I worry, even when I whatever...God's grace is available. He does not accuse me, but prays for me and enables me to persevere.

In Saturday's reading in Morning and Evening, Spurgeon explains Jesus' words in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me." 

He says: "The call of the Christian faith is the gentle word, 'Come.' ...the Gospel draws with cords of love. Jesus is the Good Shepherd going before His sheep, bidding them follow Him, and leading them forward with the sweet word, 'Come.' The law repels; the Gospel attracts. The law shows the distance that exists between God and man; the Gospel  bridges that awful chasm and brings the sinner across it." 

He continues to explain that the word "come" is a welcoming, encouraging word. Picture a mother encouraging her toddler to walk toward her. She opens her arms to the baby, saying, "Come to mommy, come on, you can do it..." This is a beautiful picture of Jesus encouraging us in our walk with him in this life. In fact, when He tells us to come to him in Matthew 11, He is actually telling those of us who are weary and burdened to come to Him. And when we do, He promises to give us rest. 

And we can echo Peter's statement of faith, "Where else can we go, for You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68)

Earlier in the week, I was dealing with some insecurity. I was wondering what I was: am I a widow, well not really. I'm alone, by myself, but not really. But the Lord whispered his peace to me, and I'm really ok with this in-between stage. This is my life right now...unsettled, back and forth between home and Andy. But as C.S. Lewis says, "It is what it is, and that's the end of the matter." (Mere Christianity) In my mind there's really a little more to it than that. Yes, it is what it is, and I can't change that. But I also want to believe that this is the life ordained for me since before time began. And if this is what God planned for me, then He has the whole thing planned, including the here and now. All I need to do is trust Him. That's all. Sounds simple, but it's not. It's the hardest thing we as people are called to, because we're so prone to wanting to fix things, to make things right. And I think God has wired us this way. He's made us in His image, and we long for things to work out right, to have a happy ending. But some things are beyond our ability. Only God is infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, and sovereignly in control.


God is God and I am not. Besides, I too often tend to forget that this is not about me. It's about God and His glory. Yes, He's using me as part of His story, but ultimately, it's not about me. And that's good. So the challenge is to not let our focus be on ourselves and our situation, but to "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:2-3)


I did not take any pictures this week, so I'm looking back in my archives to some pictures that remind me spring will be coming again. Winter can be depressing with the very short days, most of them gray and cloudy. Colors are drab and lifeless, brown and more brown. Snow is a change of pace with white covering everything, but that doesn't last long before it turns gray, too. So feast your eyes on the colors of spring and summer.

The seasons are a visual reminder of God's faithfulness! 

Summer and winter, springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above.
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning, new mercies I see.
All I have needed, Thy hand has provided,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me. 
© 1923. Ren. 1951 Hope Publishing Co., Carol Stream, IL 60188

Fickle April

For some reason, when we get to April, we expect the weather to be perfect. After all, April is spring! So what are we doing with 39 degree weather and strong wind gusts of 50 mph today?

This is what makes the weather such an interesting topic and what everyone talks about every day. And where do you suppose that saying came from: "as changeable as the weather"? 

I vividly remember when we moved from Richland, Washington in March, 1986. I was excited to move back to the east in spring. I packed my suitcase with short sleeves and summer clothes, which was a big mistake because it was a very cold and wet spring when we arrived here. I had to wait a whole week for Andy and the U-Haul to arrive with the rest of my clothes. Brrr!

We had no appointments on Tuesday this past week, but the wind was so fierce that we didn't venture outside. Andy had a couple of rough mornings. I'm not sure what brought it on, if anything, but he was very sad on Monday and Tuesday mornings. He said things that I had a hard time understanding. He thought we needed to spend more time as a family. He seemed to think everyone was going in all different directions. I tried to explain to him that our daughters were grown up and had their own families. But it was hard to bring him out of that confusion. Almost by accident, maybe in desperation, I found something that helped. I have a number of songs on my phone that I've bought. So I told him, "Let's just listen to some music." 

That seemed to help and quiet his spirit. After a couple of songs with uplifting words and turning our thoughts to the Lord, he thanked me and said he felt better. 

One day this week, he had his wallet out and was taking out the cards and notes he keeps there. When I asked him what he was looking for, he said someone had taken all his money. I didn't think that was the case, so I asked him to let me look. His money was all there, he hadn't looked in the pocket where he kept it.

Another thing he's been talking about lately, or trying to talk about, is to get together with a "group" to work on a project. He will start talking, but lose his thought in the middle of the sentence, then try again, but unable to finish or express his thought. I try to understand and help, but it's usually so far out there or confused, that I just don't understand. He's done that several times this week. One of those times, I just agreed with him and told him it was a good idea. Then he thanked me for understanding. Hmmm...well, I didn't understand, but it eased his mind and he left the conversation.

Yesterday he asked me what my last name was. I told him it was Wallin. Then his comment was that there sure were a lot of Wallins around.

Another day he asked me to tell him my history. I started by saying that we were married 42 years ago. He thought that was very interesting.

There really are too many conversations and situations to remember. Every day is an adventure around here. In some ways, I feel like I need to watch his every move. When we decided to have some ice cream, he put his bowl in the toaster oven instead of the microwave. (I zap the ice cream 10 seconds and he was going to do the same!)

I have decided I need to supervise his lunch every day. He can't seem to do that simple task that he's done for himself the last 19 years. I work on Mondays and Thursdays from 8:00 - 3:00, so he has been getting his own lunch on those days as he was accustomed to doing. But the one day, when I got home, I saw dishes in the sink, but not a plate. So I knew he had been confused as to where the plate was and used a casserole dish for his lunch.

This evening at dinner, he asked me when I would be heading back. I said I wasn't leaving. Then a little later, he asked me if I was spending the night.

I've been waiting on the Lord to lead me to another book to read to continue to engage my mind and heart on his thoughts. On the recommendation of a friend, I bought a new book, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and Greg Smith. 

 

I have only read the introduction so far, but I'm already challenged by how he explains Ephesians 1. We are not the center of the universe, the Son is. It's not about me, but all about Jesus. It's true that we experience all the blessings of being God's children, being showered by the riches of his grace. But "we are the beneficiaries of that plan. God, in his love and grace, has made us a part of his plan. But we are not the center of it; Christ is. We are participants in the plan, participants God loves and cherishes and nourishes, as a husband does his bride."

"We are God's inheritance. We tend to focus on what we inherit in Christ, but the greater truth is that we are His inheritance: 'I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know...what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints.' (Ephesians 1:18)"

I like that God-centered emphasis.

As fickle as spring weather can be, Friday happened to be beautiful with temperatures in the 70's and a sunny, blue sky.  We went over to Boundary Creek and walked the trail. It's a fairly short and easy trail, but it was so nice to be out in nature.
 

And now, today, we're cabin bound again with strong, gusty winds. We're only at the beginning of April, so it's inevitable that the weather will turn warmer eventually...I hope!