Grief Journey

Just when you think you're doing pretty well with this grief thing, you spend a week crying, so on the edge. I have to admit to myself that I'm still very fragile. It seems like the  smallest thing can get blown all out of proportion. Things that are really of insignificant consequence send me over the edge.

It was one of those weeks. Thankfully, the Lord ministers to me in these moments with grace and evidence that he is not condemning but carrying me in my grief. I came across an article on Friday written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. He has written a number of books on grief, but this was an article entitled, Recognize You Are Not Crazy. He wrote: "You may feel like you are surviving fairly well one minute and in the depths of despair the next. Sudden changes in mood are a difficult, yet natural, part of your grief journey. Mood changes can be small or very dramatic..."

He says you may feel like you're sailing along feeling pretty good, when out of nowhere comes this overwhelming feeling of grief. He calls this "a griefburst - a sudden, sharp feeling of grief that can cause anxiety and pain. Griefbursts may feel like 'crazybursts,' but they are normal. When and if one strikes, be compassionate with yourself. You have every right to miss the person who has died."

He goes on to differentiate between crying and sobbing. "If you're crying and sobbing a lot, you may feel like you're out of control. Sobbing is like wailing, and it comes from the inner core of your being. It is an expression of the deep, strong emotions within you. These emotions need to get out, and sobbing allows for their release. Cry as long and as hard and as often as you need. Don't try to be strong and brave for yourself or others. Tears have a voice of their own. You will be wise to allow yours to speak to you."

Reading this made me realize the timing of my retirement is right. I've been feeling that it would be nice to have the freedom to spend a day crying. There have been a number of days recently that I've been tearful but needing to suck it up, get ready for work and get out of the house. I think I need to embrace my grief and take the time I need to do it well...whatever that looks like.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with something on my mind. In wondering how everything was going to work out, God reminded me that He controls the universe. He measures the heavens with the breadth of his hand and holds the oceans in the palm of his hand. He is soooooo big and transcendent. At the same time, he sees the minutest detail, even the common sparrow that falls to the ground. Since I am worth many sparrows, do I think he does not notice and care about the things that concern me? He is not only transcendent, he is also immanent. Here with me. God with us! When I reflected on these truths about God, I felt  a peace envelope me and I was able to go back to sleep.

I am currently reading Paul Tripp's New Morning Mercies every morning. That morning's reading emphasized the faithfulness of God.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9 ~ "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." That reminded me further of the verse in 2 Timothy 2:13 that even "if we are faithless, He will  remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." I'm so glad it doesn't depend on my measly faith. Even when my faith falters, He remains faithful, because that is His character.

As a further treat yesterday morning, when I opened my blinds to greet the day, I saw this amazing sunrise.

And then wonder of wonders, Chris Tomlin's Song, Nobody Loves Me Like You came on the radio...so appropriate in the moment.

Morning, I see You in the sunrise every morning
It's like a picture that You've painted for me
A love letter in the sky

 

Story, I could've had a really different story
But You came down from heaven to restore me
Forever saved my life

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

 

Mountains, You're breaking down the weight of all my mountains
Even when it feels like I'm surrounded
You never leave my side, oh oh oh 

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

Songwriters: Scott Cash / Ed Cash

Nobody Loves Me Like You lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

I couldn't believe the beauty and was just able to get my shoes on, step out on the front porch and snap a picture. And that quickly, in the next minute, all the red was gone and the moment was over. What a treat and blessing from the God who loves me. 

In spite of the red morning, that usually indicates bad weather coming, it was a lovely day: cold but bright sun and no wind. A perfect recipe for a hike in the woods. My friend took me to a hike I had never done before, Blueberry Hill, and we had a wonderful time enjoying the gravel pit and woods.We got in about 3 miles, walking in the woods, then wandering around down in the sand pit.

Then we had a surprise when we found all these little icicles "growing" up out of the soil. Don't ask me to explain this phenomenon, just enjoy!

 

 

Isn't God amazing and creative! These amazing moments make the grief journey more bearable.

A New Year

I'm glad the holidays are over. There were many wonderful moments spent with family and friends but I couldn't help missing my favorite person in all those wonderful moments. My tear ducts got plenty of workouts these last few weeks.

I came across a very helpful article by Nancy Guthrie. I resonate with everything she writes because she obviously is acquainted with grief and not only understands it, but is able to articulate it in a way that ministers to the heart and soul.

The article I am referring to can be read in full here. I will just review her five main points. She writes to those who have recently lost someone they love and to those who would like to be able to comfort them.

1.  Even the best times are punctuated with an awareness that someone is missing.

2.  Social situations are hard.

3.  Extended family can be awkward and uneasy.

4.  Tears are not a problem.

5.  It can be hard to remember why Christmas should be so merry.

She said that "tears do not reflect a lack of faith. Tears are a gift from God that help to wash away the deep pain of loss." I have come to not mind crying. I always seem to feel better after a "good cry." And when I have those moments of crying, I remind myself that someday, Jesus will wipe all those tears away. He sees and cares.

I've tried to keep busy and spend as much time with the kids and grandkids as I can. On Christmas Eve, I left home after lunch and drove to Christy's. I went with her family to her church's Christmas Eve service. She was busy with directing two numbers with the adult choir, then two more numbers with a children's choir, as well as playing with Grace for the offertory. She did an amazing job and I was right proud of her. I know Andy would have been, too.

I stayed overnight with them. The kids said they were going to sleep downstairs by the Christmas tree and invited me to join them there, but I declined, preferring a bed.

On Christmas morning, they awoke early and got permission to open the gifts in their stockings before Christian and Christy came downstairs. I stayed to eat breakfast with them, then drove up to join Amy and her family for Christmas Day.

We had our "Wallin" Christmas on New Year's Eve. Everyone was able to be here this year...no sickies. We had our usual brunch before opening our gifts. Then we just hung out and enjoyed being together the rest of the day.

I love these family pictures. Everyone's personality comes shining through. There are a lot of us, though, aren't there???


And here are my darling daughters. Don't mind my funny face...why am I scrunching my nose? Ha, ha

I was able to fit in a couple of hikes in November with friends. We've had so much rain (will it ever stop?) that made the creeks and waterways full and overflowing.

At one point we couldn't go any further and had to turn around and go back the same way we came.

I had not been to this spot before that I could remember and was delighted to take in its beauty: Goshen Pond in the Pine Barrens.

This past weekend, Friday and Saturday, I spent with Amy and her family. I played games with the kids on Friday afternoon, stayed in their guest room overnight, then just lounged on Saturday morning. Amy wanted to take me to a little coffee shop that she likes, so we took the kids and had our coffee and hot chocolate, and shared a peanut butter brownie, before I took off for home again.

 
The process has begun toward building an in-law suite onto Dawn's house. I hired an architect and he has given me an initial set of plans. Dawn, Tommy and I looked them over, tweaked them and got a revised set. I'm happy with the architect that we are using. He is helpful, courteous, patient in explaining why certain things can't be done but mostly very professional and knowledgeable. I think we'll all be very happy with the final result. There is still lots of work for him to do, some of which include adding in electrical, heating and air conditioning, plumbing, etc. But we're on our way...

Another big change is on the horizon. I am retiring from my job in the church office after 26 years. I only have five weeks left there. It has been a wonderful job, ministering to the body of Christ using the gifts and abilities He's given me, and working in an environment that honors Christ. I will miss being there but felt God leading me that it was time to pass the baton to the younger generation.

With all that's happening this coming year, I feel like the time was right to retire. I will have more time to spend with the grandkids. It's been harder to find a time that works for them and me. As they get older, they are involved in more activities and it's been a bit of a challenge to fit them in around my work schedule.

I will also be busy with supervising and overseeing the building of the suite onto Dawn's house. Many decisions will have to be made and it will be nice to have the time to do that. I also need to go through my house and systematically decide on what to keep (not much), what to throw away and what to give away or sell - major downsizing. I have accumulated a lot of stuff, and it will require much effort to clean out the basement, two garages and the shed, let alone the living spaces in the house. Most of my furniture will not fit in a smaller suite/apartment.

I'm also hoping to fit in a few trips this year. I've had some west coast friends invite me back for a visit. I'd also like to spend some time with my sister again. And I've already got a vacation in Maine on my calendar.

2019 promises to be an interesting year...no lack of new adventures.

And isn't that just like the Lord? I'm grateful that in spite of missing dear Andy, I'm still enjoying life and the blessings the Lord gives in this life. It's an interesting phenomenon how joy and sadness can co-exist. I anticipate that I'll always miss Andy. He will never be forgotten. What I went through with his illness and loss is a part of my story. In the midst of the pain and sorrow I experienced and the grief I still experience, I have also experienced the comfort of the Lord, answers to my pleas for help, his nearness, his presence through it all. He is a good God, full of grace, love, compassion, and yes, even joy.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I can overflow with hope because "Christ is [in me], the Hope of Glory." Colossians 1:27

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5