The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas: the most wonderful time of the year...or is it?

I've been struggling with tears and the lump in my throat as I think about these holidays without my dear Andy. Listening to Christmas songs is not necessarily helpful, especially secular Christmas music.  Songs with lyrics like:

"May your days be merry and bright

"Have a holly jolly Christmas...It's the best time of the year"

"Have a happy holiday, everyone dancin' merrily"

references to mistletoe, good times, home for the holidays

"It's the most wonderful time of the year"

Then this morning, I heard Ryan Stevenson singing ThisChristmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve

And nothing's under the tree

But I'm not blue

'Cause I've got you, and baby you've got me

And this holiday

We're gonna be okay

We ain't got much

But baby we've got us, and that's all we need

Ugh...This one was so sad to me. It's not ok because I don't have my "baby." This did bring back memories though, because there were many Christmases where we were too poor to get each other gifts, agreeing to save our money for more of the necessities. The first four years of our marriage were spent in seminary, each of us working several jobs to avoid wracking up student debt.

I found a picture of our tree our first Christmas together.

 

Pretty pathetic, I know, but there's a story to go with it. Andy and a friend got a permit that cost $1 to go into the mountains near Portland and cut down their own tree. It was quite an adventure for the two guys because they had to trudge through deep snow; and the trees were growing on a mountain which made them asymmetrical. But I think Andy did pretty good in the end, and it was a tree to be proud of!

So in one sense, this is not the most wonderful time of the year, because who enjoys sadness and struggling to keep from crying and being reminded of happier past Christmases. But if we keep our focus on the present, we are overcome with despair and depression because there is so much to be sad about. However, in a conversation I had with someone the other day, he encouraged me to remember the reason for the season! It's not necessarily about family traditions, giving and receiving gifts, lots of parties and fun times. If we focus on the real meaning of Christmas, on the past, then yes, it is the most wonderful time of the year. It is the greatest story ever told. It's what gives us hope in the middle of hard times here. The Gift is the Giver! Amazing. He willingly left the safety and splendor of heaven to live with us, to become like us. Because he lived in our world, he understands the heartache and suffering that we endure. 

"He was a Man of Sorrows, familiar with grief." Isaiah 53:3

"Because He Himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

 

I've been reading Ken Gire's book, Moments with the Savior.

 

 

He has a beautiful way of writing about special moments Jesus spent with people in his three years of ministry. I'll give two examples. 

Mary Magdalene had been there when he suffered at the cross; now he is there when she is suffering at the empty tomb on Resurrection Morning. She had stood by him in his darkest hour (at the cross); now he is standing by her in hers. He had seen her tears; now he is there to wipe them away. In the triumph of the resurrection, Jesus could have paraded through the streets of Jerusalem. He could have knocked on Pilate's door. He could have confronted the Pharisees. But the first person our resurrected Lord appears to is a woman without hope. And the first words he speaks are: "Woman, why are you crying?" What a Savior we serve, or rather who serves us. For in his hour of greatest triumph, he doesn't shout his victory from the rooftops. he comes quietly to a woman who grieves...who desperately needs to hear his voice...see his face...and feel his embrace.

Or what about Peter? Can you imagine the guilt Peter felt after he denied his Lord? He must have spent every moment beating himself up, agonizing over his denial of Jesus. But Jesus is gentle and gracious, obviously forgiving Peter when they meet on the shore of the lake. He simply asks Peter: "Do you love me?" He asks three times, once for each denial. Not to rub it in, but to give Peter an opportunity to openly confess his love. Something Peter desperately needs to verbalize. By the third time Jesus asks him, Peter gets the connection, and a flame leaps from that smoldering memory. But Jesus is not there to inflict pain; he is there to relieve it. Jesus had seen his bitter tears when the rooster crowed. That was all he needed to see. That was repentance enough. Peter looks up, longing for the faintest glimmer of forgiveness. And in a language beyond words, in a language of love, it glows from the Savior's eyes. "Feed my sheep, Peter." Jesus' way of saying, "I still believe in you...I still think you're the right man for the job."

And I wrote down in my journal this morning: "Jesus is my friend. No matter how miserably I let him down, He's always there to pick me up. No matter how many times I fail Him, He is always there to forgive me. No matter how far I drift, He is always there, waiting for me to return...waiting with a comforting fire...warm food and a heart full of love."

There is great comfort in these truths. Simeon declared that Jesus was to be the consolation of Israel. (Luke 2:25) God longs to comfort his people who have suffered so much. Yes, a lot of their suffering was because of their willfulness and idolatry. But that doesn't negate God's love and compassion. Through Isaiah, he promises comfort for his people with the coming of the Lord. 

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins." (Isaiah 40:1-2)

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." (Isaiah 51:3)

"I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass..." (Isaiah 51:12)

"The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." (Psalm 145:9)

It's because of the Baby in the manger and the reason he came that this is the most wonderful time of the year. This brings hope to our darkest and loneliest times.

As I was becoming an adult, in my teens, my sister and I were responsible to take care of the house so my mother would be available to help my dad with barn and field work. Sister loved to cook and bake and I loved to clean, organize and arrange things neatly. We had a convenient plan worked out so that the housework would be done between us, and we each did what we preferred.

Unfortunately, she didn't come with me when Andy and I got married. Unfortunately, because I had no experience with making a meal. Poor Andy had to put up with my learning to read recipes and make something tasty. I have to give him credit for his patience. In all the 44 years of our marriage, he only ever got up from the table once to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of course, I learned his likes and dislikes and made an effort to learn the art of cooking. But he was pretty patient with me.

I can get by, and even enjoy the kitchen now, but am by no means, anything special. You would think that since I don't have to cook for Andy any more, that I would welcome the break from that responsibility. But yesterday I was feeling like spending some time in the kitchen, so I made one of our favorite recipes: baked ziti. It makes a lot, even when I halve it, and I'll be eating it probably every day this coming week. I actually divided it into 7 meals and froze 3 of them to enjoy at a later date.

Dinner for 1 - a whole 13 x 9 pan all to myself. What was I thinking? It was more than enough - which reminded me that is how God's grace can be explained - more than enough!

Luke 6:38 ~ "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap."

Psalm 23:5 ~ "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows."

Another day I thought I would indulge by making strawberry shortcake. It seemed like a wonderful idea since strawberries were in season.
 

 It was so good and I justified the sugar by eating it without whipped cream.

I am currently reading Spiritual Classics in my morning devotional time. I'm grateful that we have the writings from saints who lived and experienced life with God through the ages. What a blessing to have insights from others who loved and served God through the years.

Richard Foster is a theologian and author who has written a number of books, but this one is a compilation of different authors throughout the centuries. Here is a sampling of what I read last week.

"Give me Your grace, good Lord...to set my mind fast upon You...gladly to be thinking of God, piteously to call for His help, to lean into the comfort of God, busily to labor to love Him." (Thomas More, page 6)

"Contemplation involves giving ourselves time to relax in God's presence. In the quietness, aware of His presence, we open our hearts to His love. Our prayer is usually wordless and fed by a deep desire for Him. This leads us on to a place where instead of seeking God, we are found by Him. We discover that long before we came to our place of prayer, He was seeking us. So He responds to our longing. We bask in the warmth of His love. We feel His gaze on us. He fills us afresh with His Spirit. We receive a new perspective on life - His perspective. We draw so close to His heart that we sense His concern for the world and from our contemplation flows intercession as we catch His compassion for a hurting world." (Joyce Huggett, page 14)

"We find it difficult to give up our desire for things that can never satisfy us in order to purchase the one good in whom is all our joy - and in whom, moreover, we get back everything else that we have renounced besides." (Thomas Merton, page 18)

"God loves to love us far beyond our most extravagant hopes. At the very heart of the universe is God's utter compassion and loving care for all his creation. God delights to lead us into the 'dizzy heights of love' - to the extent that we welcome it and to the extent that we can stand it." (Richard Foster's reflections on Marguerite Porete's essay, page 27)

"Prayer is the precious fruit of the Word - Word of God that has become wholly our own and in that way, has been inscribed deep in our body and psyche, and that now can become our response to the love of the Father. The Spirit stammers it out in our heart, without our doing anything about it. It bubbles up, it flows, it runs like living water. It is no longer we who pray, but the prayer prays itself in us. The divine life of the risen Christ ripples softly in our heart." (Andre Louf, page 33)

And this is my favorite of the week:

"There is no great mystery concerning the will of God, in so far as it applies to our small selves. God's will is written into His nature, and the nature of God is LOVE." (Agnes Sanford, page 39)

When we think of God's will for us in this way, how can we be anxious about the future?

"'Thy will be done' - We are only absolutely infallibly certain of the will of God concerning the past. Everything that has happened, whatever it may be, is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Father. The future, also, whatever it may contain, once it has come about, will have come about in conformity with the will of God." (Simone Weil, page 49)

"God cared for His children [in the feeding of the 5,000] and could, did and would provide for their necessities...a throb of the Father's heart. Because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God ready to forsake us...Care for the next minute is just as foolish as care for the morrow - in neither can we do anything and in both God is doing everything." (George MacDonald, pages 79-83)

I'm so blessed by God's ministry to me. It's been such a struggle for me to not worry about the future. I need continual reminders that God's got this. The very nature of God is love, and all his actions toward his children are loving and kind.

I met with my attorney this past week and I was so encouraged by her assurances that things will work out financially. I'm not going into detail on the internet but will be happy to share those details with anyone who talks to me personally.

Last night when I woke up in the middle of the night, God brought to my mind Psalm 91:4; the picture of hiding under God's wings, being covered by his feathers. Doesn't that sound like a safe place to be?

I love God's word pictures that help us visualize his peace, his protection, his provision for us, the sheep of his pasture.
 

Random Ramblings

Everybody has trials and temptations
Everybody knows heart break, isolation 

But we can lay our burdens down (our burdens down)
Lay our burdens down 

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home 

Everybody has fears, everybody's got worries
Everybody knows sorrow, devastation 

But we can lay our burdens down (our burdens down)
Lay our burdens down

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home 

No more betrayal, for He is faithful
He fills me up and my cup runneth over
No more betrayal, for He is faithful
How He has proven it over and over
Over and over 

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home

Songwriters: Matt Maher / Adam Palmer / Matthew Hein / Abbie Parker

What a Friend lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing

I love that song. I've been reminded this week of the universal nature of trials, temptations, and suffering because I'm re-reading Be Still, My Soul. I have agreed to do a book review in our adult Sunday school class next week. In preparation, I have been ministered to all over again by the examples of God's people rising above their suffering to rest in God's perspective, purpose and provision in suffering.

I am not the only one who is suffering. Everyone from the beginning of time has suffered in some way. But what makes the difference is our response to that suffering. Can we submit to God's plan in our suffering, or do we become bitter and angry by what he allows? I desire a heart of submission because he knows what is best and promises to care for us. Jesus promised that in this world we would have trouble, but the good news is: he has overcome the world. Good news indeed! He is our friend, and goes with us on our journey through our suffering. He grieves with us and has promised to carry us and take our burdens on himself.

There are many benefits that we receive from the suffering we endure. One that I've noticed in myself is that I am so much more sensitive to the suffering others are experiencing. Even reading the story of Jesus' passion and crucifixion brings tears to my eyes. Did anyone experience more horrible suffering than Jesus? And he did it because of his great love for me.

Another benefit of suffering is that we come to know God better. We experience his comfort, his strength, his grace to endure. Hopefully, the impurities in our life are purged away and we become more like Jesus, who suffered without complaint and entrusted himself to his heavenly Father.

 A year ago, I planted this lace cap hydrangea so I was excited to see it had buds and was very close to full bloom. Then imagine my horror, when the next day I saw this:

 

Can you believe it? I would never have guessed that hydrangeas were tasty. I do not have warm fuzzy feelings for the deer. There is plenty of food available to them and lots of woods in the neighborhood. And don't tell me that I've taken over their habitat. That doesn't soothe my frustration over them destroying the beauty of my gardens.

Then last night I noticed this brave new bud. Hopefully, the deer have moved on to "greener" pastures and won't come back for one more flower. Even though I like to see deer, I am not happy that they eat my plants. 

Some time ago, Christy asked if I could take some of Andy's sermons and make them into recordings on cd. It had been so long since Andy had preached and even when he had, it had been pretty random and rare so I told her it couldn't be done. But God...

With Andy no longer living at the house, I gave our boom box to Amy. Later she asked me if I realized there was a tape in the cassette player with a recording of a church service where Andy was preaching. I couldn't believe it! I got the cassette from her and asked our A/V guy to record it onto a cd. He did and I have listened to it a number of times. I confess it was hard to remember when Andy had sounded so "life-like" and passionate about God and our worship of him. The recording was made in July 2000 - 18 years ago. What a gift!

Doesn't he look young and Pastor-ish?

I have continued to visit with Andy every day. I help him eat his dinner, then read to him as he lies on his bed. He almost always falls asleep as I read, which brings back more memories. Our family tradition when the girls were growing up was to spend our after dinnertime reading. The girls would sit next to me on the couch and Andy would invariably lie on the floor as I read. Also, invariably, he would fall asleep. Then when I would stop reading, he would wake up and wonder what he had missed. It didn't seem to matter how interesting or exciting the story was, he couldn't stay awake. He always insisted that it was my voice that was so soothing and calming. It was our little inside family joke: dad on the floor asleep while mom reads.

In our Sunday school class this morning, our teacher reviewed Augustine's book, Confessions. He gave several of Augustine's quotes for us to digest and discuss. One of those was:

"For who is the Lord but the Lord? For who is God except our God? The highest, the most good, the most mighty, the most omnipotent; the most merciful, yet most just; the most hidden, yet most present; the most beautiful, yet strongest; the stationary, yet incomprehensibly constant. You cannot change, yet you change everything. You are never new, yet never old. You make all things new, yet conquer the proud with old age before they know of its approach.

You are ever working yet ever at rest. You are still gathering yet you lack nothing. You are still supporting, filling, and overspreading; still creating, nourishing and maturing; still seeking although you have all things. You love without yearning, are jealous without bitterness; share our regret without self reproach; express anger without losing serenity.

When others fail to finish what they propose, your purpose remains unchanged. You receive what you found yet had never lost. You are never in need yet rejoice in what you gain. You never covet, yet exact excessive payments, so that you may owe. Yet who has anything that is not already yours? You pay debts when you owe nothing, but in remitting you lose nothing."

Isn't that great? So profound and insightful into who God is and what he is like.

Psalm 18:31 ~ "For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?"

Psalm 145:3 ~ "Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom."

 

There didn't seem to be anything in particular, maybe just everything in general, but Friday felt especially heavy to me. My natural response wants to figure out why I'm dealing with these feelings. Why do I feel like crying when nothing has happened to add to what I'm already going through. Oppressive humidity? Attack from Satan? Lack of sleep? In this case, though, I have to be satisfied with no answer. I just don't know.

But as usually happens when I'm feeling low, God provides the encouragement I need at the precise moment of my need. I am currently reading Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren.

She writes about God being a part of every detail of our lives: when we wake in the morning, when we lose our keys, when we eat leftovers, when we sit in traffic...

In her chapter, Sitting in Traffic, she focuses on patience and being unhurried. I had heard a phrase in a song, and I don't remember which song at the moment, about God always being on time, never late. Trish reminds us that "we live in a waiting world, a world where time itself, along with all of creation, groans as in childbirth, waiting for something to be born." We live our lives each day in light of a future reality. Our best life is still to come. But in the middle of waiting for that future hope, are we patiently enjoying the days we have in the present? Waiting itself can be a gift. Our waiting is active and purposeful...God is at work in us and through us as we wait. A couple of days ago, I was struck with a feeling of expectancy as I wait for God to work things out for me. He is so creative in the way He works, not tied to uncertainty, but the Sovereign Ruler of all things, working for the good of his children. In my own perception of things, my situation looks hopeless...but that is not taking into account God and His divine purposes.

Recently I've noticed Steven Curtis Chapman's Glorious Unfolding being played frequently on KLOVE. It was recorded in 2013 so I really don't know why I hadn't heard it until recently. But it has spoken to me and been an encouraging reminder to me.

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight 
Don't try to figure it out
Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart
'Cause I know this is not anything like you thought the story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
but it's just not true
There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold.

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding.

God's plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing love
And the story has only begun

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we're living 
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We'll see the glorious unfolding
Songwriter: Steven Curtis Chapman, copyright BMG Rights Management US, LLC

That's right: Don't try to figure it out. Someday it will all be unfolded and we'll be amazed at the glorious plan of God.

I was able to have some family time on Tuesday when I drove up to Lancaster County to spend a couple of hours with Amy and her kids. They've been doing a lot of work to finish the upstairs of their new house as well as doing some outside projects. It was a joy to see those projects and be with her and the kids in person. After lunch we investigated a new park Amy had found. There was a huge lake that was an opportunity for the kids to fish and explore. There was also a paved trail around the park that we hiked. The sun was hot but the breeze was cool and refreshing. Amy and I stayed in the gazebo to chat while the kids played and fished at the lake.

Amy and I were amused with the momma duck and her babies on the lake. Whenever Chase would cast his fishing line, the ducks would paddle quickly to where his line was and follow it as he reeled it in. In spite of his moving from place to place to keep far away from the ducks, he did manage to catch a fish.

I heard a teacher on the radio tell about the story of Gideon in Judges 6. When the angel came to tell Gideon that God wanted him to fight against Israel's enemies, he addressed Gideon as "mighty warrior." Isn't that interesting? Gideon hadn't done anything yet. But in anticipation of a great victory, God calls Gideon a mighty warrior. Along with that pronouncement, God promises to be with him.

"When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, 'The LORD is with you, mighty warrior'." (Judges 6:12)

And there's the whole reason God could address him as a hero before he had even gone into battle: because God was going to do the fighting for him. It reminded me of David's confidence in Psalm 18:29 and 2 Samuel 22:30 (both verses have the exact same wording): "With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall."

Scripture is full of God's promises to always be with us and to fight our battles for us. With God, the victory is assured.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:29)
 

"With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings."

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

It was pretty hot and humid to be out hiking, but the spring scenery was so pretty and the time spent with a friend made it all worth while. We hiked for 7 miles and I admit, I was dragging by the time we got back to the car. That was a lot for an "old" lady like me, especially in that heat and humidity. But I lived to tell about it!

I don't regret being out in nature in that weather because it's always an opportunity to worship the Creator as I observe and soak in his beautiful creation.

I had my usual ups and downs this week. On Monday morning, there was an envelope on my desk addressed to me. When I opened it, someone had assured me of their continued prayers and included $100 in cash. What a blessing. I put the card away and forgot about it as I did my work. In the afternoon, I received a call that a check I had written for Andy's care at Harmony Village had bounced. What??? My heart dropped to my toes. That didn't make any sense at all since I had written the check on my home equity line of credit, which had been approved. So I called the bank to inquire what was going on. They had to research the problem, but when they called me back, they admitted it was their fault. Well, that was all fine and good...but now I was an emotional mess. I couldn't stop thinking about it and worrying that Harmony Village would be concerned about my reliability for future payments. 

When I got home from work, as I was emptying my briefcase of paperwork, I came across the card from that morning. Oh yes, it was a reminder to me that God had known all along what was going to happen that day and provided me with a "little" reassurance to pick me back up. How good He is to me.

Andy is doing about the same. I don't know how he is during the day when I'm not there, except what the care givers tell me. They are encouraging him to go outside now that the weather is a little nicer. He doesn't seem to have the stamina or strength he did last summer. After I help him with his dinner each evening, all he wants to do is go to his room to lie down. Most evenings, he falls asleep while I'm reading to him, and doesn't even wake up when I leave. I expect him to because the door needs some WD-40 to stop the creaking when I open it. But he doesn't stir. His tremors are extreme and severe at times. Fortunately, they are not constant, there are moments of relief. He doesn't seem to be as bothered by them, and I sense he's more at peace about them. I wonder if it's part of the Parkinson's -withdrawing inward. Who knows?

I am currently reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper.

 

I think most people desire for their life to count. But what do we want it to count for? Pastor has often mentioned that God doesn't waste experiences. And I certainly don't want my experience to be wasted. I can't help but think that with an experience this difficult, there must be a reason for it. What is the purpose? One of Piper's chapters is entitled: Risk is Right--Better to Lose Your Life than to Waste It. He defines risk as "an action that exposes you to the possibility of loss or injury." Although my situation isn't technically a "risk," there are principles that apply. For instance, "risk is possible because we don't know how things will turn out. This means that God can take no risks. He knows the outcome of all his choices before they happen...And since he knows the outcome of all his actions before they happen, he plans accordingly. His omniscience rules out the very possibility of taking risks." (page 80)

"Every direction you turn there are unknowns and things beyond your control." "Safety is a mirage." 

Piper gives three examples of people in the Bible who risked all for God. They made a decision even though they didn't know how things would turn out, then left the results up to God. There was Joab in 2 Samuel 10 who led the battle against Israel's enemies, saying to his brother: "Be of good courage, and let us be courageous for our people, and for the cities of our God, and may the Lord do what seems good to him."

And what about Esther when realizing the danger she and the Jews were in, promised Mordecai she would do what she could by going to the king, saying: "If I perish, I perish."

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego showed the same resolve as they refused to bow down to the image Nebechadnezzar had erected for the people to worship. They told the king: "Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." 

By God's grace and enablement, I want to display that same resolve. I pray for my situation to go a certain way, but even if it doesn't, I want to trust God that He has a better plan than mine. I must leave the results up to God, surrendering my will to His. May he do what seems good to him.

Paul tells the churches in Acts 14:22, that "we must enter the kingdom of God through many tribulations." Our earthly life is one of great uncertainty. "Not all will die for the cause of Christ. But not all will live either. Some will die. And some will live. This is what [Piper means] by risk. It is the will of God that we be uncertain about how life on this earth will turn out for us."

"There is risk everywhere. But this very risk is the means by which the value of Christ shines more brightly." And isn't that the point, after all? To be a means of showing how precious Christ is, how his grace is enough for our situation, how valuable he is to us. 

..."To know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..." Philippians 3:10

"Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

I happened upon some notes Andy had made on the computer three years ago. At that point, he was already two years into his illness. The notes reveal his heart for God and his family. I am including it word for word (unedited by me) below.
 

Dear, Dawn, Amy, Christy, and Mom

     I want to try to reach out to you guys (Christy, Amy and Dawn.  so you just don’t just get your information from mom.  (She always does a great job)   I love all of you very much.  We just got back from seeing my specialist, Dr. Janoff, and he was very positive.  We have been seeing him for over two years now.  He has known of my condition and He said that I am doing well and did not have to step up to another level of medication and therapy.  That was great news!  At the same time, I don’t want to fool myself with regards to the challenges this disease brings.  That is no place to dwell on, so I’m going to play it a day at a time, thanking the Lord for his blessings and his trials.  Trials can be great teachers.  

      God has been so good to each of us and shown us his love for us in so many ways!   How could we ever be angry for what we call trials?

David said in the psalms.  “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I shall I fear!  The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?  (God has the answers for us before we even think about them!  WOW.  I am man of few words as you know, but  I feel that is very important that we keep touch in some way.   

The Sunday school class I attend is doing book studies for the summer. The first book chosen was A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God. We already owned the book, and as I read it, I was so excited to note that Andy had read it, underlined key points and written notes in it.

What he wrote: "How would I feel if God took away my ability to sing or speak, walk or run, hike or read. They are all precious to me - would I still love him? Would I be content with Him alone, or would they send me into a fit of temper or depression from which I could not escape?"

Well, Andy is now experiencing just that - his inability to sing or speak, walk or run, hike or read. But he seems to be at peace through it all. He isn't angry or upset. He is calm, quiet, accepting, persevering in spite of so many losses that he formerly enjoyed. It is obvious that God is still at work in his heart, soul - giving him peace, not as the world gives, but as Jesus gives - the peace that passes understanding. He is a beautiful example to me of the work of Christ in a person's heart, shining through the cracks of our human-ness.

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

We just came through 4-5 days of rain, rain, rain. It's hard not to complain about it, but I've always been convicted not to complain about the weather. I confess I love blue skies the best, but there are benefits to rain. I turned off the sprinkler system, so think of all the money I saved on this month's water bill! Then there's the truth that after the rain, sunshine seems all the more precious. And of course, without rain, there would be no flowers.

Before the rain came through the area, I hit the golf course. Actually, I was part of the staff helping in our church's golf tournament. Over 120 people participated in a day of golf. It was a nice day...a little warm in the sun, but the shade was very pleasant with a stiff breeze that kept us cool. I was assigned to Hole 5 on the course, with the express purpose to make sure people were honest and not padding their scores! I was at this post with a friend, and we enjoyed the afternoon just chatting and hanging out as the golfers came and went. She insisted that I be the one to drive the golf cart, which I did, although I had to stretch my short legs to reach the gas pedal.

I've been working on my latest puzzle for 6 weeks. It was the most difficult puzzle I've ever done. It was actually in a stack of puzzles that Christy gave me to work on. I did all the others quickly and with a minimum of effort, but I put this one off because it looked so impossible. But little by little, and because of so much rain this past week, I had a lot of time to work on it and finish it.

Yes, every single piece is a small, tiny picture of ocean, water, boat, ship, sea creature, etc.

Occasionally, I would send a picture of my progress to Christy's kids. It was an encouragement to receive their kudos. So this morning, when I sent them the finished puzzle, Christy sent back their thumbs up for my accomplishment.

God called King David a man after His own heart. Although David wasn't perfect by a long shot, he had a heart for God, pursuing Him in all of life's difficult circumstances. I read Psalm 63 this morning, where David exclaims: "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." The heading of this psalm tells us that David wrote this when he was in the desert of Judah. So he was understanding hunger and thirst because he was experiencing it first hand. But even greater than the physical hunger and thirst is his desire for God. He says in verse 5 that his "soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods."

Tozer says: "We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him and nothing is really safe which is not so committed...Our gifts and talents should also be turned over to Him. They should be recognized for what they are, God's loan to us, and should never be considered in any sense our own. We have no more right to claim credit for special abilities than for blue eyes or strong muscles." "For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" (1 Corinthians 4:7)

What we enjoy in this life is God's loan to us. They are given to us to enjoy for a time. This includes our loved ones, our gifts and abilities (my husband and his health, hiking, speaking, singing, etc.) Are we ok if He chooses to take them back? Can we be content with whatever God allows in our lives? I want to exhibit Job's attitude: "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

The most precious truth to realize and experience is that even though life is tough and we experience hard things, God is with me. He is the greatest Gift of all - Himself.