Jeremy's Birthday and More Hiking

Tomorrow is January 26.  This is a significant day for us.  If our baby boy had lived, he would be 39 years old tomorrow.  No matter how much time goes by, I can never forget that experience.  The pain isn't as intense, but I am still greatly moved in my spirit whenever I remember the little boy we gave birth to but never saw.  

Thirty-nine years have made a great difference in the way still births are handled.  Perhaps facebook and social media have helped.  People who know they are carrying a baby that will die at or soon after birth, hire photographers to record the moments pictorially.  I think this is wonderful.  We had no idea what we were facing when I went into labor.  So even if it were today, I don't know if we would have been prepared with having a photo shoot on the agenda.  

Another thing that is so good about today's medical personnel...they realize how critical it is to the grieving parents to hold their newborn and be able to connect.  The grieving process involves seeing, touching, holding that precious baby, even if that baby is not alive.  After all, that baby was part of us.  We nurtured, dreamed and were excited about this baby joining our family. 

But thirty-nine years ago, the doctors told us it would be best if we didn't see the baby...we would get too attached and it would be harder to get over the pain.  Excuse me???  Afterwards, I felt cheated when the doctor told me that the baby was perfect with blond hair and blue eyes.  Why did he get to see the baby and I didn't?  It wasn't his baby!  

But that's the way it was back then.  And even in that, God gave the strength to endure.  For more detail about that experience, read this and this.

I've been somewhat amused by articles that are all over the internet about the stupid things people say to those who go through suffering.   If I believe in the sovereignty of God, and I do, then even what people say to me when I suffer, is allowed by God for my good and his glory.  I can't help but think that people are at a loss to know the right things to say so they say the first thing that pops into their heads.  Often, it is stupid and senseless, I agree.  But I really believe that people don't intend to be stupid and hurtful.  They really are trying to be helpful.

I'll never forget when I was pregnant with our second baby, I met a woman who noticed my obviously pregnant body and asked if I had any other children.  I told her our first baby was still born.  It was an awkward moment and she blurted out:  "Praise the Lord!"  I don't know if she remembers that all these years later, but I feel sorry for her.  I'm sure she was embarrassed and wished she could take back that statement to say something more like:  "I will pray for you as you carry this baby.  I'm sure that was a difficult trial.  How did you experience the Lord's comfort during that time? etc. etc. etc."  

Often these moments creep up on us and we are unprepared with a well thought out, comforting discourse to those in need.  Even though I've experienced difficulty and I should be an expert at giving comfort, I make mistakes, too.  So I need to be gracious to those who want to offer comfort and not be critical of their imperfect ways to show their love and concern.

There is only one perfect Comforter and it is not I or any of my friends.

In this current trial with Andy's illness, I've been very thankful that we both enjoy getting outside to hike and delight in the beauties of God's creation.

We're so excited that we're on the other side of the shortest day of the year.  The days are lengthening even though they're still really cold and there are lots of snow storm forecasts.  We were able to get in two hikes this week.

Our missionary friends from Brazil were here for several weeks and we were able to get in a hike with them at the Palmyra Cove Nature Center.  It's along the Delaware River, a park we discovered about a month ago.  There are lots of trails in this park, some winding along the river, some going back into the woods and even by a beaver pond.  We saw several deer several times along the way.  There was ice at the edge of the river, but it was a very nice day with the temperature in the 40's.

It was so gray and gloomy, but it wasn't too cold.  Andy and I prefer to hike in the winter anyway.  We don't have to worry about ticks and you can walk fast to get warm without getting hot and sweaty.

Today after church, the sun came out and we decided to go exploring.  We had never been to the Medford Park so went to investigate.  There were intermittent blue skies and the trail was very wet and muddy in spots but it was another nice day to be outside.  Besides, a big storm is forecast for tomorrow, and who knows if we'll be able to get out again for a while.

It cracks us up that nearly every body of water in New Jersey has to have these signs with all the things you are not allowed to do. 

This is obviously an old park with huge magnificent trees.

 

This park is right in the middle of old town Medford.  And even though we've lived quite close, we never realized it was here.

When we lived out west, we were often amazed at all the lovely public parks available to enjoy.  And at the same time wished that New Jersey had parks to hike in, picnic in and take our families to.  Our wish came true!  Or maybe we were just unaware back then of all that was available.  I am more inclined to believe, though, that public awareness of nature and taking care of our earth are contributing to the desire of our local county and state governments to provide places for people to enjoy the beauties of nature.

Whatever the reason, we're thankful for the opportunity to enjoy the world God has made.

Psalm 19:1-4
The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the works of his hand.  
Day after day they pour forth speech, night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.

How are you doing?

It's been a rough week.  I guess I didn't realize how difficult it had been until someone at church this morning asked me how I was doing.  It was a polite greeting, and I could have said, "fine" with a plastic smile.  But I couldn't help it...I burst into tears.  Fortunately, she was a true friend who just grabbed me, gave me a bear hug and started praying over me right there in public.  I was telling Andy later that God blesses us in giving us Himself - and that would be enough.  But he blesses us further in giving us friends who minister Jesus to us.  He also blesses us with His Word and godly people who have gone before us who have written down for our own edification and encouragement about the deep waters they've gone through:  what they've learned and how they've endured those deep waters, growing more and more in their love for their Lord.

Several weeks ago, Andy showed me a lump on his upper left arm.  He said it was sensitive to the touch and it was all red.  I called the doctor and made an appointment for Andy to be seen.  The doctor prescribed an antibiotic and said to call him if it didn't look better after the treatment was done.  It actually looked worse, more swollen and even more sensitive to the touch.  So I called the doctor and he thought Andy should have an ultrasound to determine what this lump was.  The results from the ultrasound were inconclusive.  The doctor said things like:  it's a lump of tissue, it's not cancerous (that was a relief!  Whew!), there's no infection, but it should be taken out.  Make an appointment with a surgeon.  Yikes!

So we made the appointment, but the office couldn't fit Andy in for another week.  Meanwhile, that very afternoon, the lump started oozing pus.  Andy drained quite a bit of it out and kept doing the hot compresses on the lump for another couple of days.  Then the lump actually looked like it was starting to shrink and wasn't quite as red.  So I canceled the appointment with the surgeon.  

We were going along nicely thinking things were getting back to "normal."  Then one evening, Andy told me he thought he had a urinary tract infection (uti).  Oh no.  We've been there many times before.  He was chilled and couldn't get warm, even though I piled the covers on him.  Somehow, he made it through the night.  In the morning, he was no longer cold, but very hot and breaking a sweat.  He didn't have a fever, but was definitely sick.  So I called the doctor again to explain the latest.  I had to take Andy down to the office to give a urine sample.  We were actually on the way home when they called with the results.  The nurse said there was no sign of infection although there was blood in the urine.  They were going to call in a prescription for an antibiotic.  Interestingly enough, a couple days later I got another call that the culture had developed bacteria so he did indeed have a uti.  This seems to be the normal procedure for his uti's.  He finished the meds early this week but was still not feeling well so I called the doctor again to get another round of antibiotics.  
 
He seems to be finally feeling better.  Meanwhile, yesterday being Saturday, we had the whole day before us.  I was busy with laundry and some baking.  I felt the need to give Andy something to do.  It's better to keep him busy and engaged.  So when he asked me what he should do, I suggested going outside to pick up sticks and branches.  We have so many trees around the property and they're huge, mature trees, but that makes them all the messier in storms and high winds.

I thought that would keep him busy for a while, but imagine my shock and chagrin when he came in later to tell me he got down all the Christmas lights.  I confess I was very upset.  For one, he is not supposed to be up on a ladder.  It's dangerous for him.  For another reason, I had told him several times we weren't taking the lights down but would leave them up all year.  It saves time and energy - just unplug them till we want them lighted up again.  We had this conversation several times since Christmas but it obviously was something he was camped on and thought he was doing the right thing by taking them down.  He didn't remember that those lights had been up for several years - all year long.  

Well, now they're down and I don't know if they'll ever be put up again.  But that's ok.  It's not worth it to get upset about it - which is what I was the rest of the day.  As I got thinking about it, though, I don't think I was as upset about the lights as I was about Andy not remembering what we had talked about.  Yes, our relationship has changed.  I'm not used to this Andy.  I'm used to him understanding, accomplishing his tasks with competence and reliability.

I confess I was in a "funk" the rest of the day.  And it's carried over to today where my eyes are constantly filling up with tears.  But this is all good...tears are therapeutic, as well as putting words to my thoughts and turning those thoughts in the right direction.  

I was so ministered to by a new book I received at Christmas from one of our dear daughters:  Be Still My Soul edited by Nancy Guthrie.


 

There are 25 readings from different authors on the problem of pain and suffering.  The devotional I read this morning was by Dietrich Bonhoffer, who was in a Nazi prison camp during Hitler's reign in Germany.  

It's a short 3 pages in the book but every sentence is full of deep truth and brings us back to what really counts.  He says that "Christ transfigures the moment of greatest suffering for his followers through the indescribable certainty of his nearness and communion."  This is so true.  There is no such comfort and sweet communion with the Savior as when we go through deep and difficult times.  

Even though my trial is not a prison camp, it is still a trial.  It is my trial.  Bonhoffer says, "each have their own cross, assigned by God and measured to fit."

The amazing thing to consider is that Jesus is not asking of us something that he did not do himself.  Bonhoffer says that "God is a God who bears.  He bore our flesh, he bore the cross, he bore all our sins and attained reconciliation by his bearing."



"Jesus called all who are laden with various sufferings and burdens to throw off their yokes and to take his yoke upon themselves.  His yoke is easy and his burden is light (Matthew 11:30).  His yoke and his burden is the cross.  Bearing the cross does not bring misery and despair.  Rather, it provides refreshment and peace for our soul; it is our greatest joy."
 

And then the icing on the cake was the message from Pastor this morning.  He is currently in a series on the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is our helper when we feel helpless.  He is our strength when we feel weak.  He is our comforter when we are in despair.  He is a gift to us, to enable us to live the life God has called us to.  

Nearness to God is most felt out of our necessity and desperation.   I admit, I love the idea of a comfortable and easy life.  But I pray that more than that, I would desire to be close to God, and if that involves difficulty and trials, then I pray I would accept those trials in the grace and strength that God provides.  I have not arrived, by any stretch of the imagination, God still has his work cut out for me!

Reminiscing

Last year this time, we were in Hawaii as a special treat for our 40th anniversary.  What wonderful memories we made in such a beautiful place.  Someone asked us recently what did we like best about our trip.  There were too many "best" things to narrow it down to one. 

Our 41st anniversary came and went without much notice.  We didn't even give each other a card, although we did wish each other:  "Happy anniversary."  But lately I've been thinking about our life together and what a blessing it has been.  When you're young and your whole life is before you, there's no way to know what lies ahead.  And that's a good thing, I think, because I don't know if we'd have the courage to go through with it if we did know.  At a typical wedding, we vow that we will remain faithful in "sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, till death do us part."  Well, in 41 years, I think we've hit all those conditions.

Would I do it again?  Oh yes, a thousand times yes.  Over the years, I've enjoyed hearing Andy relate how we met and fell in love.  He likes to say that he saw me and knew he wanted to get to know me before I knew he existed.  We were in the same class at what was then PCB (Philadelphia College of Bible) back in the 70's.  He thought I was off limits because I had a ring on my finger.  Yes, I was engaged, but that guy didn't go to the college so he wasn't in any of our classes.  God had other plans for me, though, and that spring the engagement was called off.  

The next fall, Andy and I were in another class together and this time the teacher seated us alphabetically.  The desks in the room were arranged horizontally so Andy W was seated right next to Phyllis Y.  We were elbow to elbow!  The rest of the class oohed at us and that was the beginning of our courtship!  The name of that class was Methods and Materials of Christian Education.  Andy always liked to add at this point in his narrative that:  "He had the methods and I had the materials."

Andy was so sweet natured and kind right from the beginning.  I found myself wondering if he was for real and when would he show his true self.  But that was his true self.  He has always been loving and accepting of me, never critical or harsh.  

In the spring of 1973, Andy invited me to attend the spring formal with him.  
 

About a week before, I made a little joke about the benefit to my having a skill that would be able to help support him as he went through seminary.  He told me that we should not joke about that - that we weren't ready to talk about marriage.  Yup - he shut me down!  I thought to myself, "That's ok, I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for you to make up your mind."

But I found out later that was to put me off...he wanted to surprise me.  So after the formal, we went with 2 other couples to Atlantic City to walk on the boardwalk.  Each couple went their own way.  One couple was already engaged, the other couple became engaged, then so did we!  It was very cold on the boardwalk and I was wearing my winter coat.  

By the way, we were in Atlantic City but this was before there were casinos there.  The boardwalk was deserted that night except for us.  Andy took me to a set of stairs going down to the beach, then gave me a little gift wrapped package.  He had me open it, then as I opened it, he asked me if I would marry him.  When I saw what was inside the package, it was a fake diamond ring.  So I asked him, if he was kidding!  After he assured me he wasn't kidding, he was very serious, I finally said "yes."  

Of course, it makes a good story for him to tell people that when he asked me to marry him, I asked him if he was kidding.  But in my defense, just a week earlier I had been told we weren't ready to talk marriage, then when I opened the gift, I see a bubble gum machine ring.  What would a normal girl think!!!

It's been an exciting path that God has led us on these 41 years.  There have been mountains and valleys, as well as level paths, but we have had each other and God has been with us all the way.  I admit I prefer the level paths in the Pine Barrens of south Jersey.  It's easy and not so stressful.

This afternoon we climbed Apple Pie Hill (all of 207 feet above sea level).  Just that little bit of a climb set my heart racing and my legs screaming for oxygen.

 

That's as far as he went!

the view from the top!

But if you make the effort, it's worth it when you get to the top.  I have to admit, the view from the top of Apple Pie Hill isn't as amazing as some of the views we've seen from other mountain tops.  But there is something about being on top of the "mountain" that gives a feeling of accomplishment.


You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  Psalm 16:11

Christmas Week 2014 - The Sequel

Our Christmas Day was quiet because we gave our daughters space to celebrate with their own families and their in-laws.  But we still had to celebrate with them so we chose New Year's Day for our get-together.

We've developed the tradition of having a brunch when we celebrate our family Christmas.  Between the 4 of us women, we provide quite a feast.  And it's a table full with all of us:  8 adults and 10 children.  Bring in an extra table for the Wallin/Lindsday/Sherf/Eberly gang.

 
There sure are a lot of kids!

A couple of the bigger kids!

We had our celebration at Christy's house because she was dog sitting and couldn't be gone from home all day.  The dogs were very well behaved, not doing much else but sleeping and loving cuddle time.

Claire likes to commandeer my camera and take lots of pictures.  Some turn out pretty good, others are easily deleted.  A favorite subject is Kasey.

Dawn got a good picture of Andy and me each with Kasey as well.

Don't mind that photo bomber in the background. 

Everyone had such a good time being together.  And I was happy to have some time holding any grandkid who would let me.

I came away with some good books to add to my growing library.  At present, good books are my life line to keep my heart from growing stagnant.  I got about 4 books and I started reading the smallest one first:  Humility by Andrew Murray.  

 

Andrew Murray lived in the 1800's, dying in 1917.  He was born in South Africa to missionary parents, although he received his education in Scotland.  he authored over 240 books, one of which is the one mentioned, Humility.  I am being challenged by what he wrote, showing how humble Jesus was and how all his teaching reflected that humility.

He wrote:

"Humility, the place of entire dependence on God, is, from the very nature of things, the first duty and highest virtue of the creature, and the root of every virtue.  What is the incarnation but Jesus' heavenly humility.  He emptied himself and became nothing.  He took on the form of a servant."

"The life of absolute submission and dependence on the Father's will, Christ found to be one of perfect peace and joy.  He lost nothing by giving all to God.  Conformity to Jesus consists of being and doing nothing of myself that God may be all."

"The path to the higher life:  down, lower down.  My life's work is to be a servant.  Just as water ever seeks and fills the lowest place, so the moment God finds me abased and empty, His power and glory flow in to exalt and bless!  My one care is to humble myself; God's care is to exalt the one who is humble."

I continue to find this to be a challenge.  All my life I've attempted to submit to Andy's leadership.  But in so many areas now that he is ill, I've had to make decisions.  I still try to talk things over with him, but the challenge in this is that I don't know how trustworthy his statements and thoughts are.  Sometimes they seem lucid and good, other times he is unquestionably confused and off.  Then how do I go the direction that is needed when it seems like I am disagreeing with him?  It's a fine line sometimes.  The last thing I want to do is to make him feel like he is a "less than."  Fortunately, he is still good-natured and teases that at least, he'll soon forget that I'm not doing what he suggested.  

He still tries to be helpful - it's just part of who he is.  But that helpfulness is not always helpful.  Our niece is going to be moving into our upstairs apartment, and she and her parents have been here painting and doing some work to get it ready.  Andy has been attempting to "help" them, but he often gets confused and can't finish what he started.  I'm sure it's frustrating for him.  It has to be hard, too, for him to see others working on "his" house, when in previous years he was fully capable and talented in doing whatever needed to be done.  He not only has the mental incapability, he is physically unable to work as hard as others without becoming exhausted. 

Today's message was such a good reminder that this is not the end of the story, we and all of creation are groaning, waiting for God to make all things new and right again.  What we suffer here, is light and momentary, compared to the glory we will enjoy with our God for all of eternity.

Romans 8:18-
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

2 Corinthians 4:17-
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

May I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, seeing him who is invisible, the one who is true humility, meek and lowly, servant of all - humbling myself to the life he has called me to.