Loneliness - it hit me on Tuesday like the proverbial ton of bricks. I was thinking of some decisions I needed to make and got to thinking how I missed Andy. When you live with someone for over 40 years, you grow accustomed to talking things over. I trusted his judgment and wisdom. He had a way of thinking through all the angles and possibilities, not jumping to quick conclusions. As I was thinking about this, I realized how lonely this journey is and couldn't hold back the tears. I sat on the floor by my bed, held a tissue on my eyes and let those tears come. They just wouldn't stop. I don't know that I have cried that hard since the beginning of this ordeal. 

Even in the midst of my crying, though, I sensed the Lord's presence. I begged him to give me direction. Should I do something, anything? Or should I keep waiting? And he gave me an answer. I got the impression that he was leading me to make two phone calls. Someone told me once that I was a worker bee. Yes, that is how I'm wired...give me a list and let me start checking things off. It gives me purpose and a sense of accomplishment - and things are going to be ok!

I made those calls after I calmed down a little. Both calls were satisfactory and encouraging, so I felt that the Lord was with me, not only sympathizing with me in my grief and loneliness, but also giving me the direction I so desperately needed. 

Through the rest of the week, God sent his "people with skin on" to comfort and support me. I had lunch with a friend on Tuesday, lunch and a movie with another friend on Saturday. There were also encounters with others the rest of the week, including meeting Dawn at Starbucks on Thursday night.

Another nor'easter came through, beginning Tuesday afternoon and lasting into Wednesday. I didn't go to work on Wednesday. In a way, I was glad because I was recovering from the crying fest of the day before. I don't know what a hangover feels like, but I'm guessing it's something like what I felt: headache, exhausted, sore eyes. 

I thought Tommy might come over at some point to clear my driveway, so I decided to make a batch of cookies. When I had them made, I took a picture and sent it to him.

 He wrote back: "Yyyyeeeeesssss"

And he did come over to do the snow blowing. He does such a nice job, thorough and careful. I really appreciate his care of me during snow storms.

He brought Kira and Kasey with him. I thought we would have Grammy and girl time together, but unbeknownst to their parents, they had both brought ipads along. They plopped down in my cozy chairs and proceeded to enjoy their entertainment. So I had my dinner and was content that they were here with me, even if only in body!

I worked on Thursday, but took a vacation day on Friday because I was having some work done on my house and needed to be here. 

I thought it was comical that the big snow we got this week actually fell on the first day of spring. It gave everybody something to talk about. We've had a lot of snow this winter but the good point to snow in the spring is that it won't last long. And only a couple of days later, it's nearly gone except for the mountains in the parking lots or on the ends of driveways. But at this rate, they'll soon be gone, too. 

I took the picture below on Thursday and by Friday, all that snow was gone.

Out of the blue, this morning I received a text from a friend who had visited Andy last night. Here is what he texted me.

I got an opportunity to see Andy last night. Even in his infirmity, he still was pleasant, gracious and smiling. In his infirmity I see the fruit of the Holy Spirit in Him. I believe he had just laid down a little after 8 pm.

I reminisced with him, showed him pictures of the sailboat we sailed, and reminded him of good times I had with him. He was one of a few of my best friends at FBC. I told him that. We read some scripture together. We laughed together. You married a good and sweet, gentle and humble man. I told him I still considered him as my pastor and that he ministered to me effectively while at FBC and he was used by the Lord to lead me to want to remove any other idols in my life from before the Father.

I told him he was a good man, an honorable Christian man, a good husband and father and friend (the best), that encouraged my heart the way he lived. You married a good man Phyllis. I am praying for you and your family and Andy right now.
I love you all.
I'm thankful to have known him. It is not the years of life, but the life in those years that I am thankful for...
Sincerely, in Christ,

How kind of the Lord to encourage me in this way. 

Every morning, I usually wake up long before the alarm goes off. As I lie there, He reminds me that "His compassions are new every morning and great is His faithfulness (Lamentations 3:23). My tendency is to wonder how I'm going to make ends meet financially, but the other day I was reminded that in all the times Andy changed jobs, we never missed a paycheck. He went right from one job to the next, no waiting for months, wondering how we would make it. When we left college and moved to Portland, Oregon, I got an amazing job and he got several to help pay for seminary and our bills. When he graduated from seminary and we moved back to NJ, he again found an immediate job. Then we moved back west for his Associate Pastor job in Washington. Six years later, we moved back east. He called a former boss and was told he could come back to that job. He worked for a number of years in secular jobs, learning and growing in his knowledge of skills that were useful to his job as Associate Pastor at our current church. Even in so many job changes and moves, God provided in incredible ways. I know that someday I will look back at what I'm going through now and be able to see how God continued to provide. 

But for now, because I can't see the future, I need to trust Him. This is a life of faith we are called to live and this is what pleases him. My faith is weak and I need him to provide even that - which He does. Even our faith is a gift from God. (Ephesians 2:8)

Another way the Lord encourages me is through humor. As I was thinking about my loneliness, I remember a song my mother liked to sing when I was a kid. If we were having a bad attitude, this song would always lighten the mood. I wondered if I could find it on the internet and I did. Here are the words and you can click on the link and listen to it if you are so inclined.

I'm a Lonely Little Petunia in an Onion Patch
Of all the saddest words 
That I have ever heard 
The saddest is the story 
Told me by a bird 
He had spent about an hour 
Chatting with a flower 
and here ís the tale the flower told 

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch
and all I do is cry all day 

Boo hoo, boo hoo

The air is so strong it takes my breath away
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
oh won't you come and play with me

Who put me in this bed?
I'll bet his face is red
I call him down with every teardrop that I shed
If I only had him here
I'd take him by the ear
And make him share my misery

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,  
and all I do is cry all day

Boo hoo, boo hoo

The air is so strong it takes my breath away

(Feee-you!)

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, 
oh won't you come and play with me?

Well, I don't need onions to make me cry. And I also don't cry all day. As sad as life can be, there is much to be thankful for. God is bigger than our problems. He cares for us. He provides for us in ways we see and in ways we don't see. 

"Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate." (Os Guinness in Be Still My Soul, page 38)

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1).

For whatever reason, I've been so tired lately. Mornings especially, have been quite a challenge for me to get out of bed and begin my day. In talking to friends about this, it seems they are experiencing the same phenomenon. Is it the darkness of the morning since the time has changed? Is it the dragging on of the cold dark winter? Is it the unchanging and depressing nature of what I'm going through? Perhaps it's a combination of those and more. 

It's times like these, though, that I need the presence of the Lord more than ever. He promises to give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak (Isaiah 40). It's also crucial that I don't spend too much time in the house alone. I purposely filled some of my hours this week with yard work. It was cold and windy and I had to work quickly and take lots of breaks in the house to warm up. But I was able to lug branches and storm debris to the street. I also raked up quite a few piles of small sticks and twigs, then bagged them up and took them to the street as well. They'll probably be there awhile because every house along the street has a pile of branches to be picked up. As much as I worked at it this week, there is still more to be done. 

I also recognize the need to spend time with people. I am happy to be able to meet up with Dawn every week. She likes to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters!
 

Then on Saturday, I was able to drive up to Lancaster County to spend some time with Amy and her family. It's so affirming to walk into the house and have everyone so happy to see me and receive all those hugs. We hung out till after lunch, then went to investigate a "park" Amy had driven by a number of times. It was a nice little park with a gravel path and a creek to explore. Chase just happened to have a fishing pole along so had to see if he could catch anything, but I think those fish were smart enough not to venture out into the cold.

So now Amy had to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters! Fun rivalry!

Reckless Love

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me

 

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Songwriters: Caleb Culver / Cory Asbury / Ran Jackson

Reckless Love lyrics © Bethel Music Dba Bethel Music Publishing

I love this song. I was wondering, though, about God's love being reckless. The Bible is clear about his love being awesome and eternal. The definition of reckless according to the dictionary: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless." This is not a characteristic that I would ascribe to God. On the other hand, as the song goes on to say, "I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give Yourself away." Yes, when I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That's pretty reckless!

I remembered that years ago, Andy led a Bible study discussing Tim Keller's book, Prodigal God. 

 

Keller defines the word "prodigal" as "recklessly spendthrift." He goes on to explain that it means to spend until you have nothing left. This term is therefore as appropriate for describing the father in the prodigal son story as his younger son. "The father's welcome to the repentant son was literally reckless, because he refused to 'reckon' or count his sin against him or demand repayment."

"God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not reckoning to them their trespasses" (2 Corinthians 5:19 - ASV). "Jesus is showing us the God of Great Expenditure, who is nothing if not prodigal toward us, his children. God's reckless grace is our greatest hope, a life-changing experience." (from Prodigal God by Timothy Keller)

The Lord also reminded me of something Ann Voskamp posted once about Psalm 23:6: "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." She said that word "follow" actually means to chase down. I love that picture. God's love chases me down, doesn't just quietly and nicely "follow" me. He relentlessly pursues me. That seems pretty reckless to me.

Ephesians 2:4 ~ "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."

Colossians 1:21, 22 ~ "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." 

I thank God for his overwhelming, never-ending, and reckless love.

Grace turned 17 on Monday so I had to drive over to Pa to celebrate. I made a cheescake for her the day before to help contribute to the festivities.

 

As usual, Claire provided the entertainment.

 

The big excitement of the week was the nor'easter that came through. It started out with rain on Wednesday morning. I was beginning to think the forecast was all just a bunch of hype, but by the time I left work at noon, the rain was turning to snow and the roads were pretty slushy and slick. It snowed all afternoon and was very treacherous out there. The snow was wet and heavy. Tree branches started breaking...I could hear them hit the ground with a whack. The snow was so beautiful...but did damage to a lot of trees in my yard as well as all over this part of south Jersey. We ended getting 7-8 inches.

The next morning, the sun came out and I was able to walk around a little to assess the damage. Unbelievably, I did not lose power although all over the neighborhood, others did.

This is going to be a lot of work to clean up. I don't care so much about the elms or maples, but the dogwood tree and holly tree had more significant damage. I don't know if they can be "fixed."

I thought the holly might straighten up after the snow fell off the branches, but on closer inspection, the roots were poking up out of the ground. I don't know if it can be straightened out, then staked. I'm willing to give it a try.

I was looking for another book to read, checking out the bookshelves, and settled on Future Grace by John Piper. I read it years ago, but decided it was a good time to be reminded of God's amazing grace in my life. I'm glad I picked this book because as I opened it and began reading, I was delighted to find Andy's notes from when he had read it.

I love everything John Piper writes. He is so God-centered with many reminders throughout his writing that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him. 

"The reason future grace is so important is that everything in the Christian life depends on it. You can't be a Christian without faith in future grace. Jesus said, 'The way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it' (Matthew 7:14). Every turn in that narrow way is planned by future grace and empowered by future grace. At every point on the way, true saints sing, 'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.' Every glance backward sparks gratitude for bygone grace; every look forward casts the soul onto faith in future grace."

Another paragraph:
"Grace would not be grace if it were a response to resources in us. Grace is grace because it highlights God's own overflowing resources of kindness. Grace is eternal because it will take that long for God to expend inexhaustible stores of goodness on us. Grace is free because God would not be the infinite, self-sufficient God he is if he were constrained by anything outside himself."

I desperately need this grace to make it through my visits with Andy every evening. His tremors continue to increase, then cause him distress and anxiety. It's so hard to see him like this. I often tear up as I drive home afterwards. I continue to read to him after I help with his dinner, but I really don't think he is understanding what I'm reading. Sometimes, he listens quietly, but often he is restless, getting up, pacing around, rearranging things in his room, or even leaving the room to wander around. 

There are bright spots, though, in the rest of my day. Dawn and I have been making it a habit to meet once a week at Starbucks. We have our drinks and chat for over an hour.
 

She needs the break from all the little ones she cares for during the day, and I need to spend the time with her, too. This is a gift.

One of the things I've been waiting for came through this week. My application for a HELOC (home equity line of credit) was approved. I was advised to apply for one as a cautionary measure. I may not need it, but it will be a back up - in case!

I also met with two independent financial advisors who were invaluable in helping me to understand my financial situation. I'm grateful for this affirmation, I consider it a grace from the Lord. My faith is not in my finances, but in the God of my finances. It's his money and I'm grateful that he is giving me these encouragements along the way. My money is not going to last forever, but for the present at least, I am determined to trust that he will provide all my needs (according to his riches in glory).

On Friday night, I was privileged to  attend Kira's elementary school's talent show. Kira performed a dance routine (What does the fox say?) with two of her friends. They were so cute and it was a treat to be there for her.

I spent all day Saturday inside. It was a long day, but there wasn't really much to do except work on a puzzle. There is still too much snow on the ground to be able to work outside.

Grace has been rehearsing all year with the Bucks County Youth Orchestra and they had a concert Sunday afternoon at the Delaware Valley University in Doylestown. I drove over for the performance and met Christy, Asher and Claire to enjoy the concert. 

 

 

Afterwards we had dinner at Panera's. 

I'm grateful for these opportunities to be with my family, to participate with them in their special moments.

I constantly need to learn and re-learn the lesson of waiting on the Lord. He has been gently whispering, reminding me that I am too concerned about feeling the need to know how long this is going to last. I'm in the middle of several things that are just not being resolved very quickly. This has to be ok...There's nothing I can do to hurry things along. Do I really trust God and His sovereignty? 

Then today in pastor's message, he gave an illustration of a man who said he determined that his life's verse should be Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Our waiting is important to God. He says it twice in this one verse. Waiting is an indication that we are trusting in Him to work things out. 

In fact, another verse that I discovered some time ago is Isaiah 64:4 which declares that God "acts on behalf of those who wait for him." My trying to work things out and even my anxiety if I can't make things happen, is really not trusting God. My working actually prevents Him from doing the work. In reality, He can do a much better job since he knows the end from the beginning, and all the little details that I might miss. 

Waiting on the Lord involves patient endurance. This trial has revealed to me that I am not a patient person. I want resolution. But I was convicted this week that I need to stay the course. This might take a long time, maybe years. But God who is faithful, will help me be faithful. God is the God of encouragement and will encourage me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and he will help me to persevere.  A friend shared with me 2 Thessalonians 3:3 & 5 ~ "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one...May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." This is a great comfort to me, because this is just too hard for me to do on my own.

And then I read in 90 Days of God's Goodness a quote by J.C. Ryle, where he says: "There is nothing which shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every cross is a message from God and intended to do us good in the end. Trials are intended to make us think, to wean us from the world, to send us to the Bible, to drive us to our knees."

I can't help but think of all that Jesus endured when he was here on earth, his passion and death on the cross. The gospels record how he didn't open his mouth against his accusers. He didn't resist his captors or retaliate. Peter in 1 Peter 2:21 says that we are called to suffer as Christ suffered. He was our example. He entrusted himself to God who judges justly. And how can we do less? My suffering is miniscule compared to what Christ suffered, but my heart is often consumed with fear, anxiety and complaints.

I had a free morning on Tuesday, so I picked up Kasey and brought her to the house for some girl time. She spends her days with her brother and 3 boy cousins, so Dawn and I have pity on her and are trying to provide at least one day a month for her to have a break from the boys. It was a nice day so we played on the swing set for a little while, then walked back to the pond to see if there was any water in it. There was a little since we had quite a bit of rain recently, enough for a couple of ducks to be splashing about.

Our neighbor has a huge area fenced in for a number of goats, so Kasey and I went over to look at them. They came over to see us, baaing as they came and butting up against the gate. All of a sudden, the gate opened and a goat escaped. I quickly leaned against the gate to prevent the others from getting out. As I tried to figure out what had happened, I realized that the clasp that had held the gate shut was rusted and had fallen to the ground. So now there is no way to close the gate.

Fortunately, I had my phone in my pocket and was able to text the woman who owns the goats about the situation. And again, fortunately, she was home and was able to come save me from the goats. It was a bit comical. In the middle of holding the gate shut against the goats, Kasey told me she was ready to go back to the house. I told her I was ready, too. But I had to persevere and wait for the owner of the goats to rescue me. 

So there are lots of opportunities to practice waiting and allowing others to bring relief to our dilemmas.  

When we got back to the house, we had a little more time for some play. Maybe Kasey will follow her other Grammy and her great grandpa by going into the medical field.
 

 

 

What a sweetie. I thoroughly enjoyed having her with me. There's nothing like a child to help you forget your troubles.

Another day's reading in 90 Days of God's Goodness referred to Joni Eareckson Tada. If anyone knows about suffering, she does. I love everything she writes. She says, "It is when your soul has been blasted bare, when you feel raw and undone, that you can be better bonded to the Savior. And then you not only meet suffering on God's terms, but you meet joy on God's terms. And then God...happily shares his gladness, his joy flooding over heaven's walls filling my heart in a waterfall of delight, which then in turn always streams out to others in a flood of encouragement, and then erupts back to God in an ecstatic fountain of praise. He gets your heart pumping for heaven. He injects his peace, power, and perspective into your spiritual being. He imparts a new way of looking at your hardships. He puts a song in your heart."  

Then at the end of that day's reading, Randy Alcorn prays for God's grace. "We need your grace today, this moment, to know that we are in your hands, that you will get us through. Thank you for your past grace poured out for us on the cross and your future grace that will be poured out to us in your eternal kingdom. Give us present grace, that we may sing your praises now."

It's all grace...every moment! In the here and now, as we wait on Him.