Psalm 116:15 ~ "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."

May 12, 1951 - August 3, 2018

Several years ago, I memorized Psalm 116. The Psalmist talks about how death is so overwhelming, how he cries out to the Lord for relief and mercy. He encourages himself to rest in the Lord and remember how good God has been to him. Then right in the middle of the psalm, he tells us that it is precious to the Lord when his saints die.

Isn't this a great comfort? Yes, we are very sad in the here and now, but God is delighted to welcome his child "home" to himself. How precious we are to him. 2 Peter 1:11 says, we will receive a "rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." So I can imagine a big party going on as Andy is welcomed into the arms of Jesus.

I had no idea when I posted my update 2 weeks ago that Andy was in his final week of life on earth. I posted that he had his eyes closed the whole week. I spoke to the nurse about this, and she said she would check his record to see if his meds had been changed. I didn't hear from her, so I called her on Monday afternoon. As I was on the phone with her, she told me they had called the ambulance and would be transporting him to the hospital. I was questioning the advisability of that because there are setbacks every time someone with dementia spends time in the hospital. But she assured me that there was something wrong, and they didn't have the ability to diagnose and treat him there. He needed professional care. She said his abdomen was extended so that he looked 5-6 months pregnant. That was causing alarm at his facility because they didn't know what was going on.

I left work immediately and drove to Care One. His ambulance left soon after I arrived, and I drove up to the hospital to be with him. He was assigned to room #13 in the Emergency Room and was already in a bed when I arrived. His eyes were closed (they never opened through that whole week) and he was also pretty agitated. His Parkinson's tremors and twitches were pretty severe. I texted my friend, Pat, about the situation and she joined me in the ER as soon as she could. This was a wonderful gift from the Lord. She is a nurse and very knowledgeable with hospital terms and is also not afraid to be aggressive in seeking help when the situation requires it. She normally has a class she attends on Monday, but that day it had been canceled so she was free to be with me.

The doctor who was on duty was a God-send, so kind and compassionate. Pat asked him if he thought Andy qualified for hospice, and he immediately agreed and said he would send the hospice representative to speak to us and get us registered. A CT scan revealed that Andy's kidneys had failed which is the reason his abdomen was so extended. They immediately began to drain the urine, and his stomach went back to normal size. An unbelievable amount of urine was drained, 3 liters in 4 hours.

As long as this doctor was on duty, things progressed well. Unfortunately, he had to leave, but he was nice enough to give Pat his email address and tell her she could contact him if we needed him. This was a God-send, as well, because as soon as he left, it was like everything shut down. We sat there and sat there, waiting for the next step. I went to the nurse's station, Pat went another time, but each time we were told, they were working on it. Finally, at 9:30, Pat told me to go home since I was so exhausted, and she would stay to make sure Andy was taken care of. I left things in her care. She emailed the doctor and told him what was happening (nothing). He was kind enough to contact the nurses and then things moved. Andy was transferred to the hospice section of the hospital. By midnight he was situated with those kind, compassionate hospice nurses.

The rest of the week was spent in his room by his bed. All three girls came to be with me as often as they could. This was bittersweet because it gave us a lot of time together remembering stories of Andy, laughing and crying together.

Tuesday was pretty rough because Andy's body was twitching and his breathing was raspy. But as the week progressed and morphine and ativan were increased, his body became calmer. We had many visitors throughout the week which was such an encouragement to us. It indicated that people loved Andy and he meant a lot to them.

Throughout the week, the hospice nurses were trying to prepare us for Andy's passing. We were told that people can spend 24/7 at the patient's bedside, then get up to go to the bathroom. In that moment the person might quietly slip away. This can be an indication that the patient thinks this is a way to protect his loved ones. But in my heart, I had asked God to allow me to be present when he left his body. His family always meant so much to him, that I knew he would want us to be there with him at the end. And God granted that request.

On Thursday, after changing Andy's position, the nurse came to get us from the lounge where we had been having a little something to eat. When we went into his room, his color was very gray and it looked like he wasn't breathing. Dawn and I held his hands on either side of the bed, the nurse was there as well - all 3 of us just watching him. All of a sudden, he gave a huge gasp and started breathing again. Well, that gasp made all three of us jump. We weren't expecting that. We commented that he obviously didn't like to be repositioned.

The next day, Friday, the nurse came in the room to say they were going to reposition him again. Christy and Dawn and Andy's brother, Dan, were there with me. Dawn and I were apprehensive about the repositioning, and we watched him carefully. After the nurse was finished, Andy turned gray again and stopped breathing. We asked the nurse about this, she checked his heart, said there was a little bit of a flutter, then left the room. She knew! And he never took another breath. He slipped quietly and peacefully into eternity, into the arms of his beloved Savior. There was no last gasp or death rattle, which I found out later is usually the case with hospice patients because of the morphine.

So Andy's journey was over. All week people have been so kind, willing to do anything, whatever I need. Their comments, cards, flowers and love have been so comforting. I went to work most days and people seemed surprised, but as I explained: the house is quiet and empty, the days are long when I'm there all day by myself. I am much more energized to be with people.

So the question these days is: how am I doing? Well, on the one hand, I'm doing well. There is a certain sense of relief that Andy's suffering is over, my uncertainty over my finances is taken care of. On the other hand, there is a finality to death, even though we knew that's where this illness was heading. In preparing for the funeral, looking through pictures, remembering stories, there have been moments of laughter, as well as tears. Andy and I were a team. We did so much of life together. Yes, I have a lot of memories - all of them good - which is a blessing.

I don't know why God allowed us to go through this particular trial, but I can unreservedly say that He never left me or forsook me through it all. He showed me in many and varied ways that He was orchestrating the circumstances and taking care of me in amazing ways. He proved to me that His grace is indeed sufficient for our every need. I came to know in a more intimate way His unending and unfailing love for me, His child. My suffering helped me to empathize with Jesus' suffering for me. 

I am grateful that Andy isn't suffering any more. His death has been swallowed up by life. God is wiping away his tears, and he will never suffer or experience pain or mourn again.

1 Corinthians 15:54 ~ "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

My daughters have been wonderful, so supportive, in spite of their own suffering. They loved their dad, thought highly of him and will miss him terribly...as will I.

The memorial service will be Monday at 11:00 am. It will be live-streamed, then posted to facebook. I'm so glad this technology is available because we've been hearing from our friends all over the country that they want to be here, but for one reason or another cannot.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. 
He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, You are with me. 
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. 
You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life 
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

2 Corinthians 4:16
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building form God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life."

Because of the daily experience of dealing with Andy's Alzheimer's, it's hard to remember just how he "used to be." But God graciously gave me an encounter this week with a friend who knew us for a number of years. After asking how Andy was doing, he went on to remark how impressed he was with how Andy used to "star" in all those yearly Easter plays, memorizing all those lines and all the words to the songs he sang. I agreed that was impressive. That memory led to another one that I related to him. Andy used to like reading his Greek New Testament. He said he did it to keep his mind fresh in the language. I got out that Greek NT to look through it and sure enough, he had many notes in the margins - obvious that he spent time reading and studying the original language.

Impressive, right? It's a difficult language which is why you often hear the phrase: "It's like Greek to me."

The Sunday school class I attend has been doing the "No Guilt Book Club" this summer, where we've been taking turns to review books we've read and can recommend to others. I offered to take a turn which happened to be last Sunday. I reviewed the book, Be Still My Soul, edited by Nancy Guthrie. The book includes 25 authors, a few of whom are John Calvin, Martin Luther, Timothy Keller, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, who write about suffering. I gave a short background on my own situation, then used the book to share how those readings really ministered to me in my own suffering. It's such a blessing to have the examples of these Christian men and women who have gone through suffering through the centuries and have written about it for those of us who come after them. God is good. He knows our needs and is always "there" for us. Actually, he is "here" and "near." And there's nothing like suffering to know how needy and desperate we are and how close he is to the brokenhearted. I was really excited about this opportunity and happy to share some of the things I have learned and experienced through this journey.

Then the rest of the week was difficult. It feels like there have been another couple of steps downward in the progression of Andy's disease. Every night this week, he has sat at dinner with his eyes closed. I have to call his name to give him a bite. He'll open his eyes, take a bite, then close them again. Then the last two nights, as he continues to keep his eyes closed, he chews his food, but doesn't swallow. He chews and chews and chews while I wait to give him his next bite. I think last night he ate about 3 bites out of his whole meal. Tonight was a little better. He chewed and swallowed, finishing almost his whole plate of food. I spoke to the nurse about this, and she thinks he may have had a change in medications because he has been showing some combativeness. That is another disturbing detail.


Amy and her kids came down on Tuesday to visit. They met me at the house and hung out a while before going over to see Andy. Chase walked into the house with a Monopoly game under his arm. Amy explained that he wanted to play it with me. My heart sank. I do not like that game. It usually goes on interminably. But since I try to be a good Grammy (!), I agreed to play with him. Amy played with the two of us, which was kind of her to join me. Well, Chase being the typical competitive male, aggressively bought up the most expensive properties, then proceeded to buy up houses to jack up the price should anyone land on his property. As it turned out, Amy was the first to go bankrupt after landing on his place, and I wasn't far behind. Chase was so happy to have won, but secretly I was happy, too - not only because he was happy, but because that was the end of the game!

Our time with Andy was hard and we didn't stay long, but as we left, Amy gave Andy a hug and clear as day, Andy said: "I love you so, so much."

So there's the ebb and flow of life. I was reading an excerpt from Anne Morrow Lindbergh's, The Gift from the Sea. She was comparing the ebb and flow of the tides to our relationships with people, but I think it also applies to life in general. Life is fluid; sometimes we experience good times with few problems, other times, we struggle to keep our heads above water. She says that each cycle of the tide is valid, each cycle of the wave is valid. We can't change it, "it is what it is." But our acceptance of those changes and willingness to surrender to God's will in those circumstances is what makes the difference.

Another day, I read an excerpt from J.B. Phillips. He was a friend of C.S. Lewis and is known for his contemporary translation of the New Testament. He wrote that as he was translating Ephesians 2:4 where the text says that "God is rich in mercy," he was struck that this phrase was a "positive jewel...Just as we might say that a Texas tycoon is 'rich in oil,' so Paul writes it as a matter of fact that God is 'rich in mercy.' The pagan world was full of fear, and the Christian gospel set out to replace that fear of the gods or the fates, or even life itself, with the love for and trust in God. 'Rich in mercy' was good news to the ancient world and it is good news today."

Mercy is not the only quality that God is rich in. Ephesians 1:7 says that "God lavished the riches of His grace on us with all wisdom and understanding." And Psalm 145:8 says God is "rich in love."

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom." (Psalm 145:3)

Random Ramblings

Everybody has trials and temptations
Everybody knows heart break, isolation 

But we can lay our burdens down (our burdens down)
Lay our burdens down 

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home 

Everybody has fears, everybody's got worries
Everybody knows sorrow, devastation 

But we can lay our burdens down (our burdens down)
Lay our burdens down

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home 

No more betrayal, for He is faithful
He fills me up and my cup runneth over
No more betrayal, for He is faithful
How He has proven it over and over
Over and over 

What a friend we have in Jesus
East to west my sins are gone
I see grace on every horizon
And forever and ever His heart is my home

Songwriters: Matt Maher / Adam Palmer / Matthew Hein / Abbie Parker

What a Friend lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Essential Music Publishing

I love that song. I've been reminded this week of the universal nature of trials, temptations, and suffering because I'm re-reading Be Still, My Soul. I have agreed to do a book review in our adult Sunday school class next week. In preparation, I have been ministered to all over again by the examples of God's people rising above their suffering to rest in God's perspective, purpose and provision in suffering.

I am not the only one who is suffering. Everyone from the beginning of time has suffered in some way. But what makes the difference is our response to that suffering. Can we submit to God's plan in our suffering, or do we become bitter and angry by what he allows? I desire a heart of submission because he knows what is best and promises to care for us. Jesus promised that in this world we would have trouble, but the good news is: he has overcome the world. Good news indeed! He is our friend, and goes with us on our journey through our suffering. He grieves with us and has promised to carry us and take our burdens on himself.

There are many benefits that we receive from the suffering we endure. One that I've noticed in myself is that I am so much more sensitive to the suffering others are experiencing. Even reading the story of Jesus' passion and crucifixion brings tears to my eyes. Did anyone experience more horrible suffering than Jesus? And he did it because of his great love for me.

Another benefit of suffering is that we come to know God better. We experience his comfort, his strength, his grace to endure. Hopefully, the impurities in our life are purged away and we become more like Jesus, who suffered without complaint and entrusted himself to his heavenly Father.

 A year ago, I planted this lace cap hydrangea so I was excited to see it had buds and was very close to full bloom. Then imagine my horror, when the next day I saw this:

 

Can you believe it? I would never have guessed that hydrangeas were tasty. I do not have warm fuzzy feelings for the deer. There is plenty of food available to them and lots of woods in the neighborhood. And don't tell me that I've taken over their habitat. That doesn't soothe my frustration over them destroying the beauty of my gardens.

Then last night I noticed this brave new bud. Hopefully, the deer have moved on to "greener" pastures and won't come back for one more flower. Even though I like to see deer, I am not happy that they eat my plants. 

Some time ago, Christy asked if I could take some of Andy's sermons and make them into recordings on cd. It had been so long since Andy had preached and even when he had, it had been pretty random and rare so I told her it couldn't be done. But God...

With Andy no longer living at the house, I gave our boom box to Amy. Later she asked me if I realized there was a tape in the cassette player with a recording of a church service where Andy was preaching. I couldn't believe it! I got the cassette from her and asked our A/V guy to record it onto a cd. He did and I have listened to it a number of times. I confess it was hard to remember when Andy had sounded so "life-like" and passionate about God and our worship of him. The recording was made in July 2000 - 18 years ago. What a gift!

Doesn't he look young and Pastor-ish?

I have continued to visit with Andy every day. I help him eat his dinner, then read to him as he lies on his bed. He almost always falls asleep as I read, which brings back more memories. Our family tradition when the girls were growing up was to spend our after dinnertime reading. The girls would sit next to me on the couch and Andy would invariably lie on the floor as I read. Also, invariably, he would fall asleep. Then when I would stop reading, he would wake up and wonder what he had missed. It didn't seem to matter how interesting or exciting the story was, he couldn't stay awake. He always insisted that it was my voice that was so soothing and calming. It was our little inside family joke: dad on the floor asleep while mom reads.

In our Sunday school class this morning, our teacher reviewed Augustine's book, Confessions. He gave several of Augustine's quotes for us to digest and discuss. One of those was:

"For who is the Lord but the Lord? For who is God except our God? The highest, the most good, the most mighty, the most omnipotent; the most merciful, yet most just; the most hidden, yet most present; the most beautiful, yet strongest; the stationary, yet incomprehensibly constant. You cannot change, yet you change everything. You are never new, yet never old. You make all things new, yet conquer the proud with old age before they know of its approach.

You are ever working yet ever at rest. You are still gathering yet you lack nothing. You are still supporting, filling, and overspreading; still creating, nourishing and maturing; still seeking although you have all things. You love without yearning, are jealous without bitterness; share our regret without self reproach; express anger without losing serenity.

When others fail to finish what they propose, your purpose remains unchanged. You receive what you found yet had never lost. You are never in need yet rejoice in what you gain. You never covet, yet exact excessive payments, so that you may owe. Yet who has anything that is not already yours? You pay debts when you owe nothing, but in remitting you lose nothing."

Isn't that great? So profound and insightful into who God is and what he is like.

Psalm 18:31 ~ "For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?"

Psalm 145:3 ~ "Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom."

 

"With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings."

"Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

It was pretty hot and humid to be out hiking, but the spring scenery was so pretty and the time spent with a friend made it all worth while. We hiked for 7 miles and I admit, I was dragging by the time we got back to the car. That was a lot for an "old" lady like me, especially in that heat and humidity. But I lived to tell about it!

I don't regret being out in nature in that weather because it's always an opportunity to worship the Creator as I observe and soak in his beautiful creation.

I had my usual ups and downs this week. On Monday morning, there was an envelope on my desk addressed to me. When I opened it, someone had assured me of their continued prayers and included $100 in cash. What a blessing. I put the card away and forgot about it as I did my work. In the afternoon, I received a call that a check I had written for Andy's care at Harmony Village had bounced. What??? My heart dropped to my toes. That didn't make any sense at all since I had written the check on my home equity line of credit, which had been approved. So I called the bank to inquire what was going on. They had to research the problem, but when they called me back, they admitted it was their fault. Well, that was all fine and good...but now I was an emotional mess. I couldn't stop thinking about it and worrying that Harmony Village would be concerned about my reliability for future payments. 

When I got home from work, as I was emptying my briefcase of paperwork, I came across the card from that morning. Oh yes, it was a reminder to me that God had known all along what was going to happen that day and provided me with a "little" reassurance to pick me back up. How good He is to me.

Andy is doing about the same. I don't know how he is during the day when I'm not there, except what the care givers tell me. They are encouraging him to go outside now that the weather is a little nicer. He doesn't seem to have the stamina or strength he did last summer. After I help him with his dinner each evening, all he wants to do is go to his room to lie down. Most evenings, he falls asleep while I'm reading to him, and doesn't even wake up when I leave. I expect him to because the door needs some WD-40 to stop the creaking when I open it. But he doesn't stir. His tremors are extreme and severe at times. Fortunately, they are not constant, there are moments of relief. He doesn't seem to be as bothered by them, and I sense he's more at peace about them. I wonder if it's part of the Parkinson's -withdrawing inward. Who knows?

I am currently reading Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper.

 

I think most people desire for their life to count. But what do we want it to count for? Pastor has often mentioned that God doesn't waste experiences. And I certainly don't want my experience to be wasted. I can't help but think that with an experience this difficult, there must be a reason for it. What is the purpose? One of Piper's chapters is entitled: Risk is Right--Better to Lose Your Life than to Waste It. He defines risk as "an action that exposes you to the possibility of loss or injury." Although my situation isn't technically a "risk," there are principles that apply. For instance, "risk is possible because we don't know how things will turn out. This means that God can take no risks. He knows the outcome of all his choices before they happen...And since he knows the outcome of all his actions before they happen, he plans accordingly. His omniscience rules out the very possibility of taking risks." (page 80)

"Every direction you turn there are unknowns and things beyond your control." "Safety is a mirage." 

Piper gives three examples of people in the Bible who risked all for God. They made a decision even though they didn't know how things would turn out, then left the results up to God. There was Joab in 2 Samuel 10 who led the battle against Israel's enemies, saying to his brother: "Be of good courage, and let us be courageous for our people, and for the cities of our God, and may the Lord do what seems good to him."

And what about Esther when realizing the danger she and the Jews were in, promised Mordecai she would do what she could by going to the king, saying: "If I perish, I perish."

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego showed the same resolve as they refused to bow down to the image Nebechadnezzar had erected for the people to worship. They told the king: "Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." 

By God's grace and enablement, I want to display that same resolve. I pray for my situation to go a certain way, but even if it doesn't, I want to trust God that He has a better plan than mine. I must leave the results up to God, surrendering my will to His. May he do what seems good to him.

Paul tells the churches in Acts 14:22, that "we must enter the kingdom of God through many tribulations." Our earthly life is one of great uncertainty. "Not all will die for the cause of Christ. But not all will live either. Some will die. And some will live. This is what [Piper means] by risk. It is the will of God that we be uncertain about how life on this earth will turn out for us."

"There is risk everywhere. But this very risk is the means by which the value of Christ shines more brightly." And isn't that the point, after all? To be a means of showing how precious Christ is, how his grace is enough for our situation, how valuable he is to us. 

..."To know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..." Philippians 3:10

"Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

I happened upon some notes Andy had made on the computer three years ago. At that point, he was already two years into his illness. The notes reveal his heart for God and his family. I am including it word for word (unedited by me) below.
 

Dear, Dawn, Amy, Christy, and Mom

     I want to try to reach out to you guys (Christy, Amy and Dawn.  so you just don’t just get your information from mom.  (She always does a great job)   I love all of you very much.  We just got back from seeing my specialist, Dr. Janoff, and he was very positive.  We have been seeing him for over two years now.  He has known of my condition and He said that I am doing well and did not have to step up to another level of medication and therapy.  That was great news!  At the same time, I don’t want to fool myself with regards to the challenges this disease brings.  That is no place to dwell on, so I’m going to play it a day at a time, thanking the Lord for his blessings and his trials.  Trials can be great teachers.  

      God has been so good to each of us and shown us his love for us in so many ways!   How could we ever be angry for what we call trials?

David said in the psalms.  “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I shall I fear!  The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?  (God has the answers for us before we even think about them!  WOW.  I am man of few words as you know, but  I feel that is very important that we keep touch in some way.   

The Sunday school class I attend is doing book studies for the summer. The first book chosen was A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God. We already owned the book, and as I read it, I was so excited to note that Andy had read it, underlined key points and written notes in it.

What he wrote: "How would I feel if God took away my ability to sing or speak, walk or run, hike or read. They are all precious to me - would I still love him? Would I be content with Him alone, or would they send me into a fit of temper or depression from which I could not escape?"

Well, Andy is now experiencing just that - his inability to sing or speak, walk or run, hike or read. But he seems to be at peace through it all. He isn't angry or upset. He is calm, quiet, accepting, persevering in spite of so many losses that he formerly enjoyed. It is obvious that God is still at work in his heart, soul - giving him peace, not as the world gives, but as Jesus gives - the peace that passes understanding. He is a beautiful example to me of the work of Christ in a person's heart, shining through the cracks of our human-ness.

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

We just came through 4-5 days of rain, rain, rain. It's hard not to complain about it, but I've always been convicted not to complain about the weather. I confess I love blue skies the best, but there are benefits to rain. I turned off the sprinkler system, so think of all the money I saved on this month's water bill! Then there's the truth that after the rain, sunshine seems all the more precious. And of course, without rain, there would be no flowers.

Before the rain came through the area, I hit the golf course. Actually, I was part of the staff helping in our church's golf tournament. Over 120 people participated in a day of golf. It was a nice day...a little warm in the sun, but the shade was very pleasant with a stiff breeze that kept us cool. I was assigned to Hole 5 on the course, with the express purpose to make sure people were honest and not padding their scores! I was at this post with a friend, and we enjoyed the afternoon just chatting and hanging out as the golfers came and went. She insisted that I be the one to drive the golf cart, which I did, although I had to stretch my short legs to reach the gas pedal.

I've been working on my latest puzzle for 6 weeks. It was the most difficult puzzle I've ever done. It was actually in a stack of puzzles that Christy gave me to work on. I did all the others quickly and with a minimum of effort, but I put this one off because it looked so impossible. But little by little, and because of so much rain this past week, I had a lot of time to work on it and finish it.

Yes, every single piece is a small, tiny picture of ocean, water, boat, ship, sea creature, etc.

Occasionally, I would send a picture of my progress to Christy's kids. It was an encouragement to receive their kudos. So this morning, when I sent them the finished puzzle, Christy sent back their thumbs up for my accomplishment.

God called King David a man after His own heart. Although David wasn't perfect by a long shot, he had a heart for God, pursuing Him in all of life's difficult circumstances. I read Psalm 63 this morning, where David exclaims: "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." The heading of this psalm tells us that David wrote this when he was in the desert of Judah. So he was understanding hunger and thirst because he was experiencing it first hand. But even greater than the physical hunger and thirst is his desire for God. He says in verse 5 that his "soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods."

Tozer says: "We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety. This is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him and nothing is really safe which is not so committed...Our gifts and talents should also be turned over to Him. They should be recognized for what they are, God's loan to us, and should never be considered in any sense our own. We have no more right to claim credit for special abilities than for blue eyes or strong muscles." "For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" (1 Corinthians 4:7)

What we enjoy in this life is God's loan to us. They are given to us to enjoy for a time. This includes our loved ones, our gifts and abilities (my husband and his health, hiking, speaking, singing, etc.) Are we ok if He chooses to take them back? Can we be content with whatever God allows in our lives? I want to exhibit Job's attitude: "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21)

The most precious truth to realize and experience is that even though life is tough and we experience hard things, God is with me. He is the greatest Gift of all - Himself.

Mother's Day and Andy's birthday fall close together on the calendar. So that sounds like a good reason for the family to get together - which we did yesterday. Christy and Dawn and their families stopped at Care One Harmony Village to see Andy and wish him a happy birthday before coming on over to the house for a picnic. Christy posted some beautiful sentiments about her dad on facebook and people weighed in with comments that were kind, loving and encouraging. 
 

 
I read Ann Voskamp's blog post for Mother's Day where she said she wasn't interested in receiving flowers, cards, chocolates or any gift, for that matter. What mattered most to her was for the family to be together, enjoying each other's company. I feel the same. It means so much to me to just sit at the table with the kids and grandkids, to watch them eat and interact with their sisters, brothers-in-law, aunts, uncles and cousins. I don't need to necessarily have a conversation with any of them, it's just such a joy for them all to be there. I love seeing them love each other. It doesn't take much for them to start laughing, joking and having fun together.

 
Then, of course, there's the cuteness of the youngest in his superman shirt.

I got in one last hike earlier this past week (last because I don't like hiking in the summer with the heat, humidity, mosquitoes and ticks). A friend joined me on our outing to Brendan T. Byrne State Forest. I love that park. We stopped at the Ranger Station and hiked 3 miles to Pakim Pond. It's a hike through a variety of foliage and trees. My favorite is through a stand of Atlantic white cedars. They are such tall and beautiful trees. It happened to be one of those days where the sky was a rich blue, the air was warm, and the sun was shining. It makes for lovely pictures with all that color. We ate our lunch at the picnic tables by the pond before hiking the 3 miles back.

When Christian was down yesterday, he was kind enough to prop up my holly tree that had been weighed down by one of those heavy snows we had.

When I checked out his handiwork, I was amused that he had used a juicy juice carton as part of his fix.

I like the way the holly stands against the chimney.

Another tree that I had been concerned for was the dogwood. A number of significant branches had been broken off during that heavy snow. But it outdid itself with all those pink flowers. I think it will be ok.

Psalm 34:4 ~ "I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." I've always considered that when I entertained fear, I was not trusting in the Lord. But as I read this verse, I was struck with the promise that when I seek the Lord, He delivers me from my fears. I surely can't deliver myself. I try to turn over my worries to Him, but somehow they just keep returning. I'm overwhelmed and consumed with fear, sometimes -  fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of my lack of finances to pay for Andy's care. But deliverance from my fears isn't up to me. This was a great "aha" moment as I thought about it. 

My application for Medicaid assistance is nearing completion. My attorney sent me a letter with a list of things I needed to do yet, and I am working on checking off those items. This is an incredible process. I don't know how people manage to do all that's required. I have an attorney who is doing most of the work, but I still need to provide her with reams of paperwork, contacting my bank and my financial agent innumerable times for documents to prove my need. I'm learning a lot in this process, but I admit I'll be so relieved when it's all done and behind me.

There's an element of expectancy in all of this. God is a Creator and He is creative in the way He works things out. His ways are higher than ours and He sees details that we can't in our finite-ness. So as I wait for things to work out, I expect that they will; and some day the details will be astonishingly accurate and awesome - more than we can think or imagine!

Jeremiah 29:11 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Ephesians 3:20 ~ "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" 

And through all of this, God will get the glory. That's my desire.