Grief Journey

Just when you think you're doing pretty well with this grief thing, you spend a week crying, so on the edge. I have to admit to myself that I'm still very fragile. It seems like the  smallest thing can get blown all out of proportion. Things that are really of insignificant consequence send me over the edge.

It was one of those weeks. Thankfully, the Lord ministers to me in these moments with grace and evidence that he is not condemning but carrying me in my grief. I came across an article on Friday written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. He has written a number of books on grief, but this was an article entitled, Recognize You Are Not Crazy. He wrote: "You may feel like you are surviving fairly well one minute and in the depths of despair the next. Sudden changes in mood are a difficult, yet natural, part of your grief journey. Mood changes can be small or very dramatic..."

He says you may feel like you're sailing along feeling pretty good, when out of nowhere comes this overwhelming feeling of grief. He calls this "a griefburst - a sudden, sharp feeling of grief that can cause anxiety and pain. Griefbursts may feel like 'crazybursts,' but they are normal. When and if one strikes, be compassionate with yourself. You have every right to miss the person who has died."

He goes on to differentiate between crying and sobbing. "If you're crying and sobbing a lot, you may feel like you're out of control. Sobbing is like wailing, and it comes from the inner core of your being. It is an expression of the deep, strong emotions within you. These emotions need to get out, and sobbing allows for their release. Cry as long and as hard and as often as you need. Don't try to be strong and brave for yourself or others. Tears have a voice of their own. You will be wise to allow yours to speak to you."

Reading this made me realize the timing of my retirement is right. I've been feeling that it would be nice to have the freedom to spend a day crying. There have been a number of days recently that I've been tearful but needing to suck it up, get ready for work and get out of the house. I think I need to embrace my grief and take the time I need to do it well...whatever that looks like.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with something on my mind. In wondering how everything was going to work out, God reminded me that He controls the universe. He measures the heavens with the breadth of his hand and holds the oceans in the palm of his hand. He is soooooo big and transcendent. At the same time, he sees the minutest detail, even the common sparrow that falls to the ground. Since I am worth many sparrows, do I think he does not notice and care about the things that concern me? He is not only transcendent, he is also immanent. Here with me. God with us! When I reflected on these truths about God, I felt  a peace envelope me and I was able to go back to sleep.

I am currently reading Paul Tripp's New Morning Mercies every morning. That morning's reading emphasized the faithfulness of God.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9 ~ "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." That reminded me further of the verse in 2 Timothy 2:13 that even "if we are faithless, He will  remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." I'm so glad it doesn't depend on my measly faith. Even when my faith falters, He remains faithful, because that is His character.

As a further treat yesterday morning, when I opened my blinds to greet the day, I saw this amazing sunrise.

And then wonder of wonders, Chris Tomlin's Song, Nobody Loves Me Like You came on the radio...so appropriate in the moment.

Morning, I see You in the sunrise every morning
It's like a picture that You've painted for me
A love letter in the sky

 

Story, I could've had a really different story
But You came down from heaven to restore me
Forever saved my life

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

 

Mountains, You're breaking down the weight of all my mountains
Even when it feels like I'm surrounded
You never leave my side, oh oh oh 

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

Songwriters: Scott Cash / Ed Cash

Nobody Loves Me Like You lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

I couldn't believe the beauty and was just able to get my shoes on, step out on the front porch and snap a picture. And that quickly, in the next minute, all the red was gone and the moment was over. What a treat and blessing from the God who loves me. 

In spite of the red morning, that usually indicates bad weather coming, it was a lovely day: cold but bright sun and no wind. A perfect recipe for a hike in the woods. My friend took me to a hike I had never done before, Blueberry Hill, and we had a wonderful time enjoying the gravel pit and woods.We got in about 3 miles, walking in the woods, then wandering around down in the sand pit.

Then we had a surprise when we found all these little icicles "growing" up out of the soil. Don't ask me to explain this phenomenon, just enjoy!

 

 

Isn't God amazing and creative! These amazing moments make the grief journey more bearable.

In spite of the difficult journey I'm on, I feel incredibly blessed by God. His hand is on me and I experience moments of great joy and fulfillment. I also thank God that He has opened my eyes to be able to see and give thanks for those blessings.

Let me count the ways I saw God's blessings this week.

Earlier in the week, I received a text from Christy saying Claire wanted me to attend the spring concert she would be in on Friday evening. Grace and Aiden were also involved in a different choir for older kids, participating in the same program. I agreed that I would like to go. As I thought about it, I got brave and decided to stay with the family overnight instead of driving home late. I say that was brave of me because I knew I wouldn't get good sleep even though I would not be getting to bed as late as if I drove home to my own bed. It turned out as I expected. The concert was great - such a joy to watch my dear grandkids singing in a choir, participating in ministry to their parents and relatives. Of course, my grandchildren were the prettiest and best up there! When we made it back to their house, we got ready for bed. I was pretty tired, but as I had anticipated, I couldn't get to sleep. I lay there, tossing and turning, watching the minutes tick by. I finally drifted off, but then woke up at 4:40 A.M. (What's wrong with me!) But I think I'm finally learning not to fight it or be upset when I get only a few hours sleep. The amazing thing I've discovered is that I really don't feel that bad all day, even with only 4 hours of sleep. This is a blessing in itself: to be able to "rest" in lack of sleep, to not fret or be upset or greedy for more.

When I woke up so early, I lay there hoping that when I finally did get up, I would not disturb the rest of the family. I got my shower, did some reading and still no one else was up. I was beginning to think about leaving and going home, even though we had talked about me taking one or two kids back with me. I was packing up my things, when Claire arrived at my elbow. She was hoping to go with me, so I told her I was ready to go. She quickly ate something and off we went. 

She is a talker and we did not lack for interesting conversation all the way home. We stopped at Starbucks for a coffee for me and a cake pop for her to break up the long journey a little. When we got to the house, Claire and I played a couple of games before the rest of the family arrived.

This is another wonderful blessing. Christian, in the tree trimming business, also has developed a mulching side to his business. He brought his truck filled to the brim with free mulch, with a trailer, hauling a MultiOne to help with the work. 

All of the kids are good, hard workers which is so helpful with all my gardens. They mulched, raked, and did a lot of grunt work all morning. Claire took her job as water carrier seriously. Can you catch it if I throw it?

  

It was a beautiful spring day with lovely blue skies and flowers bursting out in full bloom. This magnolia tree makes me so happy every spring.

I fed the family their lunch and everyone was very hungry after all their hard work. I'm glad I had enough food. I was beginning to worry a little before everyone said they were full.

After lunch Christian cut down a tree for the neighbor who lives right next to me. It was a tree that kept dropping branches, including a branch that landed on his car a couple of weeks ago. I love to watch Christian do his work. He is so knowledgeable and skilled in his work.

 

I'm not the only one who likes to watch him work. He had quite the audience.

Another blessing is how God brings along the right person as a resource for my needs as they arise. In Andy's days of dealing with helping people, sometimes that involved finding a lawyer to help with their issues. He became acquainted with an elder law attorney that assisted several people in our congregation with their legal issues. As a result, she developed a great respect and liking for dealing with Andy. When Andy became ill, she redid our wills and I came to know her as well. I have hired her to help me get the paperwork together to make my application for Medicaid assistance. I met with her to submit more paperwork this week and for her to go over final details with me so that application can be filed soon.

And speaking of the right person at the right time...I've been thinking I might need to try to find another facility that's cheaper for Andy to be moved to. But that task seems daunting to me. How do I figure out the best place? He needs a certain level of care...it can't be just any nursing home. He needs help in all his daily living tasks. But then a person stopped at the office one day this past week as I was getting ready to leave work. We got to talking and she told me she works in nursing homes and has experience with them and can give me a list of possibilities for me to check out. She encouraged me to make appointments for a tour in each of them to get a more realistic feel for what they are like, which you can't necessarily get by just a phone call or even a check online.

Last night after all that hard work outside, I was sitting in my chair, when my phone dinged. I got a text from a friend asking if I wanted to walk early this morning. Wow! God was thinking of me, to put the idea in my friend's head to want to spend a little time with me. I love this woman, have known her for twenty years, and any time we can be together is a treat. So off we went this morning. The weather was foggy and misty and we came back pretty damp, but our conversation was encouraging to both of us.

As I visit Andy each day, I've been wondering how much he really remembers or knows. So one evening I experimented by asking him a couple of questions. I asked him who he was. He didn't answer. Then I asked him what his name was. He tried, but still didn't answer. Then I asked him if he knew who I was. He mumbled something unintelligible and seemed a bit frustrated. So I asked him if those questions were too hard. And he answered with a clear, "Yes." Now this is the amazing thing: a little later as I was preparing to leave, he looked straight at me and said very clearly: "You're beautiful." What makes some things so impossible to penetrate to his understanding, but other things as clear as day? This, too, was a gift from God. My heart was happy and I still, several days later, gain pleasure from remembering that moment.

These examples are clear indications that God is present with me, ministering to and encouraging me. He truly is a good God, personally involved in the details of our lives. I am spiritually strengthened by contemplating the sovereignty of God. 

 

Psalm 71:5

For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth.
 

Psalm 73:28

But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 109:21

But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
 

Psalm 140:7

Sovereign Lord, my strong deliverer, you shield my head in the day of battle.
 

Psalm 141:8

But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death.
 

Isaiah 25:8

He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken.
 

Jeremiah 32:17

“Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.


Nothing is too hard for our Sovereign Lord.