Time Away

Goodness me, who can that be?

A couple of months ago, I received an invitation to attend a "gathering" of 3 high school classes, one of which was mine and another my sister's. That seemed like a good opportunity to spend some time away and with each other. So I made arrangements for someone to stay with Andy, my sister booked a motel and the day finally arrived.

I left home on Saturday, a little after noon. Jim came to stay with Andy with all kinds of instructions and little baggies with medications to be taken at the right times.

My sister and I arrived at our motel just seconds apart from each other, then we had a fantastic three hours just chatting and being together. At the most, we see each other once a year, and then we're with all our other family members - which is good, don't get me wrong. But what a treat for there to be nobody but the two of us. 

Did we talk ourselves out? I'm not so sure but we had reserved to attend the gathering, so off we went. It was really a fun evening. The woman who organized the event, purposely doesn't book a band, play loud music or plan a program. She wants the evening to be spent just talking and "fellowshiping" - (her word!).

Most of the people there were from my sister's grade, but there were a few classmates of mine there as well. Here we are (class of '67):

Who are all those old people??? I was pleasantly surprised that even after all these years, we have a lot in common. We are dealing with the joys of retirement, aging parents, wayward kids (not mine, thankfully), and our own aches and pains. We had a lot of fun reminiscing about the havoc we created in homeroom - I insisted I wasn't in on that, although I may have laughed at the boys and encouraged them on. And our poor algebra teacher in his first year of teaching us A.P. 10th graders. I think we may have caused his nervous breakdown. Poor man. If the boys in the A.P. class had used their smarts on their studies instead of so many shenanigans...but then, boys will be boys - as they say.

I'm so glad I made the effort to attend. I had a great time.

So now back to reality. Tomorrow afternoon, I take Andy back to Rowan University for the doctors' report on his condition. I don't know if they'll tell us anything we don't already know but I'm really concerned with his increasing tremors. I don't know how he can stand them. His arm shakes continuously. It must be exhausting. I'm hoping they can offer some relief.

I've been reading another of Andrew Murray's books - a devotional book entitled, Daily in His Presence. What a godly man he was. He has such a way of drawing our attention to the greatness and goodness of God.



 September 20th's reading was on the goodness of God. 

"The goodness of God was the cause and the beginning of his creation. God can communicate nothing but goodness. He made man to receive his goodness. As the sun can only give light, so the holy triune God can give nothing but the riches and goodness of his divine perfection to all those who are capable of receiving them."

"This is the amiable nature of God: he is everything that is good. He is love itself - pure immeasurable love, doing nothing but from love, giving nothing but gifts of love to everything that he has made, requiring nothing of all his creatures but the spirit and fruit of that Love who brought them into being. What great motivation for man to return love for love!"

Psalm 119:68  - "You are good and what You do is good."

Matthew 7:11 - "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

James 1:17 - "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

The Adventure Continues

Andy's tremors seem to be noticeably worsening. His right hand shakes almost continuously. It's got to be annoying for him. His chin also shakes a lot. He often mentions how exhausted he is, and I can't help but think that the constant shaking is causing that exhaustion. He also struggles with depression and anxiety, becoming anxious about things that aren't real or are distorted from the true picture.

He was feeling especially down on Tuesday morning, so I played one of my songs on my phone for him. We sat at the kitchen table and listened to Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer.  By the time we got to the second verse, Andy spontaneously began praying. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear him very well over the music, plus he was speaking quietly. But I did hear words like, "your mercy...grace...love." Tears were flowing down his cheeks as the Lord ministered to him. When the song was finished, he said, "I think she wrote that song just for me." I feel the same way every time I listen to that one. 

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart’s testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

He has seemed extra confused this week. One day as we sat at the table, he asked me where I'd been the last couple of days. I told him I'd been around. Then he said he was glad to have me back!

Another time he asked me when I had arrived here. I told him I'd been here awhile.

One thing I've been thankful for is that he seems to sleep really well. But that might be changing. One morning this week, he woke up at 4:00 or so. He doesn't know what to do if I'm not around. He wanders around the house in confusion. 

Then on Thursday night, I was sound asleep, when all of a sudden, I was awakened because the light went on. He stood at the door and said he didn't know this room was part of our house. I got up and told him he needed to go to bed. As I walked around, I noticed that every light in the house was on. He'd been up, wandering around, probably trying to figure out where I was.

When we had been at Rowan University for our appointment with the social worker, she had cautioned me to take care of myself. She's not the only person who has told me that. Although I agree to the need to take care of myself and not let the stress get to me, realistically, I wonder what choice I have. There's no doubt that Andy needs to be watched 24/7. I need to pay attention to what he is doing. He can never be left alone. 

I don't think he's at the point yet where I should be hiring home health aides. And even if he was, I still need to think about how to pay for that service. I did call one company to tell them I'd like help for an hour every morning as I get ready for work. But they want a minimum of 3 hours at $20 an hour. 

Then I discovered there might be grants available for people where I can get home health care for free!  So I will be looking into that and filling out an application.

Another thing the social worker told me is that we are called "human beings," not human doings. It is better to be than to do. Let the to-do lists go and concentrate on being. Well, that is actually a biblical concept. God is not interested in our "works" as much as he is in our character. Are we persevering in our trials, growing in our faith, trusting in our heavenly Father?

I confess that I am a do-er. I love to make my lists and cross off items as they are accomplished. And sometimes there is therapy that results from action. In my opinion, though,  there is a place for doing. Of course, there is moderation in all things. If all we did was sit in a monastery and meditate, concentrating on being, what would we accomplish? It is good to remember, that whatever we do, we do in God's strength, who works through us. Apart from him we can do nothing.

I felt good yesterday morning and was highly motivated. So I took advantage of that mood and made my list. I spent the morning in my kitchen baking while getting the laundry done. Since fall begins on Wednesday, I just had to make pumpkin butterscotch muffins. They turned out yummy. 

 For anyone who is interested, here is the recipe.

I also made a batch of rolls.

The weather broke a little and we had time in the afternoon, so I decided to get out to a park. We went to Smithville Park and I was surprised by how pleasant it was. The sun was pretty hot, but under the trees, there was a nice breeze and it was very comfortable. We only walked .7 of a mile, resting at every bench we came to. 

It's obviously not a very deep lake with all those lily pads. There were several herons on the water but they were too far away to get a good picture of them.

I didn't know how Andy would do with the hike. It seems like the last time we went even a short distance, he was extra tired for a couple of days afterward. And I think the same thing happened this time. His tremors were pronounced this morning. We went to church, but he was in such distress that we left partway through the message. He hasn't felt well all day but it's hard for him to express what the problem is. 

So many people constantly tell me they're praying for us. It means so much to hear them say that. I know God is answering all those prayers because how could I make it otherwise? The other day, a friend I hadn't seen for several years, gave me a pussy willow from her green house. After I planted it, I sent her a picture. She texted me back to say that every time I looked at that plant, I was supposed to remember that they were praying for us. How kind of the Lord to place these dear people in our lives to continually bring us to His attention.

At one point yesterday, I looked out my kitchen window and there in the bush was a sleeping bird. When I pointed my camera at him, he opened his eyes.

I love the birds. They remind me that God loves them and knows every one. He knows when one falls to the ground, but we are much more valuable than they.

Matthew 6:26 - "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

This morning a friend texted me to tell me she was frightened because she starts chemo this week for her breast cancer. The Lord led me to text her back with Psalm 94:19:

"When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."

There is nothing that can comfort and bring peace like God's Word. It is as necessary to my spirit as food is for the body.

What goes up must come down. This "law" does not only apply to physical gravity, but is a good reminder that when on the mountaintop of happiness, be prepared to come crashing down.

I had a number of appointments this week. One of those was with an elder care attorney. That meeting was very good and encouraging. She assured me that she could work up the paperwork to protect our assets, as well as provide care for Andy if I needed to pay for professional help.

I was so encouraged and pleased with the way Andy had prepared for our future, thanking God over and over that I was taken care of. But I felt cautioned in my spirit that I needed to be prepared in the next day or two to come crashing down.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed. I did not sleep well that night, so the next day I was exhausted. It was a good recipe for depression and tears, but God was gracious to me and met me in my need. A dear friend face-timed me on her vacation to inquire how our appointments went and expressed genuine concern. Her care lifted my spirits and I really wasn't exhausted any more! How good is the God we adore.

The same day I met with the attorney, Andy had another appointment at the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging at Rowan University, meeting with a Dr. White. I was in on the appointment with Andy. Dr. White is a geriatrics physician and spent an hour or more asking questions of the both of us. He was very kind and compassionate, even tearing up at several points in the course of our conversation. He mentioned a couple of times that Andy was so young. He also commented that we had a loving relationship. Apparently, he and other doctors who care for dementia patients experience hostility and anger from many of those patients. What a gift it is to have Andy remain pleasant, congenial, kind and loving. In fact, I think he has become more so. He is so conscious of trying to make my life easier. I don't think he knows how hard it really is, but he has always been intuitive and that quality is still there. 

The next day, we went back down to Rowan University to meet with a social worker who again spent time talking to us, asking questions, getting Andy's history. In order to get an accurate understanding of where Andy is, she instructed me to not interrupt, but to let Andy answer the questions she asked. It was painful and pitiful. He couldn't even answer the names of his siblings. He couldn't remember where we had lived, how long we had lived in NJ, where we had lived before that, what jobs he had. I felt so bad for him...he struggled to answer, but just couldn't. He also tried to explain why he couldn't, but was unable to complete his thoughts/sentences. As bad as I felt for him, it was really a very accurate picture of the stage he is in right now. Again, this woman was very compassionate and kind, and she teared up several times during the appointment, too, even blowing her nose at one point. I told her I thought the disease was progressing rapidly and she agreed.

She spent almost two hours with us, and at one point, mentioned that there must have been "a reason" why her next appointment had canceled. 

I have been thinking it might be time for me to start hiring some help in the mornings as we get ready for our day. I need to help Andy every step of the way. He can't find the toothbrush or the toothpaste. He can't figure out what to wear so I get his clothes out for him. He can't get his breakfast ready. He can't work the tv and remotes. This morning, he didn't remember that he was going to take his shower. He came looking for me to ask what he was supposed to do.

I'm trying to give him instructions along the way. If I need to leave him to get my own shower, I tell him to sit in his chair until I come out. Then I will make his breakfast. So far, that seems to work. 

I was advised to get Andy clothes that he could just pull on - no buttons or zippers or belts. I already had plenty of short sleeved shirts that he's been wearing all summer, but all his long sleeved shirts had buttons down the front. So on Friday afternoon, we went shopping. He tried on some long pants, as well as pull over shirts. I cleaned out his closet and we took a trip to Good Will. It seemed a shame to get rid of all those shirts, but "it is what it is and that's the end of the matter." (C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity)

With all of this activity and change, I was reminded of the song we used to sing, Does Jesus Care?

1. Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
   Too deeply for mirth or song,
   As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
   And the way grows weary and long?
   • Refrain:
     Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
     His heart is touched with my grief;
     When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
     I know my Savior cares.
2. Does Jesus care when my way is dark
   With a nameless dread and fear?
   As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
   Does He care enough to be near?
3. Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
   To resist some temptation strong;
   When for my deep grief there is no relief,
   Though my tears flow all the night long?
4. Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
   To the dearest on earth to me,
   And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
   Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

 Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

I read a statement in Grieving with Hope that encouraged me.  The title of one of the sections was "Know that Grief is an Expression of Love." Zig Ziglar was quoted as saying, "Grief is the recognition that you've lost someone you love. It's the price you pay for loving someone, because if there were no love, there'd be no grief."

And that reminded me of the saying which is part of a poem that Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This morning Andy wasn't feeling well and we stayed home from church. We sat on our deck and enjoyed the morning. At one point, Andy told me he thought I needed help and encouraged me to take steps to make it happen. I was really surprised, but as I mentioned above, he is very intuitive, and it was another affirmation to me that the Lord is going before me. He is with me in the journey, guiding, leading, and he really does care. What a comfort to rest in his all sufficiency.

Last Sunday after church, Dawn and family came to the house so Tommy could cut off some branches that were hanging too far over into the driveway. Tommy is always a lot of fun to have around. And he works with a willing heart. I am happy to feed him for his efforts. 

 
While he was working, Dawn and I hung out and the girls played on their trikes and roller skates. The sun was shining brightly and it was pretty hot so we didn't stay outside very long.



It's been so hot for so long that we've stayed mostly indoors in air conditioning. We've been working away at puzzles, finishing 3 in these summer months.

The Wizard of Oz puzzle was fun but I almost gave up on the Kittens in a Basket. That one took over 3 weeks, I think. But we finally finished it. 

We got a break in the heat yesterday so we spent the morning doing some yard work. It seemed like we had just trimmed the bushes along the driveway but they needed it again. So we both worked at them. I am not good at selfies so during one of my breaks, I snapped a picture of my worker bee! He was so intent on what he was doing, I don't think he even knew I was taking his picture.

It was such a beautiful day and it had been so long since we'd been out, I finally couldn't stand another minute away from those south Jersey parks. So off we went to Boundary Creek. I was pleasantly surprised when we started down the path to see two beautiful golden rain trees in full bloom flanking the path. I thought they bloomed in the spring, but there they were.

I also couldn't believe the hints of orange in the sassafras trees. But there's the proof. How quickly the seasons can change.
 
One evening last week, I went out to water some of my plants and saw a red tailed hawk on the ground. I watched it for a little while, then noticed he had a squirrel. I could see the squirrel's tail. I went back in the house to tell Andy and his dad, so for the next several minutes we had fun watching this big bird. Then it flew off a little way, but landed on top of the swing set. Andy went out slowly and got extremely close. I was a little worried the bird would want to defend its prey, but it just sat quietly on top of the swing set. 

Our hike yesterday wore Andy out. He was so tired today. I think he is getting weaker and less able to do much exertion. It seems he is always cold. And of course, he is able to do less and less by himself. I try to be aware of him all the time and anticipate his needs or desires. It's almost like having a 2 year old again. Should I leave him alone while I take a shower? Yesterday when I got out of the bathroom, I heard the microwave was on. When I investigated, he had a bowl of cold cereal in there. On further investigation, he had put water on the cereal (not milk), then put it in the microwave. He decided he would eat it anyway and then announced that it wasn't too bad. He did eat the whole thing.

But it is a confirmation again that he cannot be left alone. I also need to give him instructions if I am going into another room to let him know what I am doing and that if he wants or needs anything, he should wait till I can help him get it. He is always agreeable to whatever I tell him, but if he remembers it, that's another story.

I was encouraged twice this week by input from Andy's mom and dad and also a good friend who told me I was doing a good job with Andy and my situation. I don't really think that I am, sometimes I just feel like I'm gutting it out. But it's encouraging to be encouraged. Another friend asked me one day how Andy was doing. When I gave some recent examples, he teared up. 

It's hard to express in words how grateful I am for the prayers of our friends. I know we are being prayed for. I can feel it. I also like to picture Jesus interceding constantly for us. How could I endure otherwise? He gives us grace in our time of need. And I am so needy.

Stronger 

by Hillsong

There is Love
That came for us
Humbled to a sinner's cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You're my hope and my defense
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

Songwriters
BEN FIELDING, REUBEN MORGAN