What should have been a lovely walk around the property turned into a sinking feeling when I noticed one of our pine trees loaded with bag worm cocoons.  This was one of the trees I've been nurturing since it was a wee little stick. Over ten years ago, I bought 10 pine trees for $1 from the National Arbor Foundation. They were so little that one or two of them accidentally got run over with the lawn mower. But I still have seven trees that are doing well and have grown significantly. These pictures were taken 9 years ago - they were just pine tree babies.

And how they grew.

So I was not happy to see one of those babies just full of bag worm cocoons waiting to hatch. Thankfully, Google gave me the information that they hatch in late May. Google also suggested several ways to take care of bag worms. One way was to let them hatch to provide food for the birds. Another way was to use chemicals to spray on them after they hatch. Or you could cut them all off the tree and get rid of them before they hatch. That is what I chose to do. I didn't want to mess with chemicals. I had already had some experience with spraying caterpillars and it wasn't a pretty sight. I really didn't think I could go through with that process myself. 

Yesterday was a nice day for working outside so I spent the morning cutting off those cocoons. I had to drag a ladder out to reach the top of the tree, but I managed to get all of them - I hope.

I filled a 2 gallon ziploc baggie full of those nasty things. I hope I got them all, but if I didn't, maybe the birds will have some to enjoy.

Cutting out those cocoons and dead branches can be compared to the pruning that needs to be done in our lives. Worms or sins that creep in and eat us up devastate us spiritually. But God, the Master Pruner, knows how to cut off branches that are diseased so that the rest of the tree will be healthier and more productive. 

I love to read and re-read John 15 where Jesus talks about the vine and the branches. Every vine needs to be pruned, taking away the dead to make way for new shoots. Pruning is painful, but it's necessary if we want to grow in our walk with the Lord. 

I met Dawn at Care One yesterday with her kids to visit Andy. I love the energy of the kids. I think Kira was a little sad over seeing Andy because she remembers how fun he was for and with her. But Kasey and Cole accept him as he is because it's the only way they've ever known him. All of the kids are developing a level of compassion, though, because of their association with their Poppop. Little Cole saw me feeding Andy, then he offered Andy his ice cream. It was so sweet. 

I am currently reading through the psalms in my morning time with the Lord. I love David's heart for the Lord. Even when he is in despair, he still finds something to praise the Lord about. Some of his circumstances were so difficult, but he focused on God's character. God's unfailing love, his righteousness, faithfulness, justice remain constant and true. 

A year or so ago, as I was reading through the Bible, I marked in red ink all the verses that talk about God's love for his children. The psalms in my Bible are full of those red marks.

Psalm 25:6, 7 ~ "Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old....according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD."

Psalm 25:10 ~ "All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful..."

Psalm 31:16 ~ "Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love."

Psalm 31:21 ~ "Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me."

Psalm 32:10 ~ "The LORD's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

Psalm 33:5 ~ "The earth is full of his unfailing love."

Psalm 33:18, 22 ~ "But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love...May your unfailing love rest upon us O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Psalm 36:5, 7 ~ "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies...How priceless is your unfailing love!"

Isn't that such a comfort to know that God's love is described as unfailing. It is always there. It's who God is. "God is love," 1 John 4:16. And if God loves me, then I can be assured He will take care of me. He prunes out those hurtful worms, fertilizes and waters me so that I will grow and bear much fruit. He protects me from trouble and surrounds me with songs of deliverance. (another psalm - Psalm 32:7) 

Jesus loved the psalms, too. In his earthly ministry, he quoted often from the psalms. When he was talking with the two men on the road to Emmaus, he told them that "everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms."

So here is something to think about till your head spins: Did Jesus quote David in the psalms, or did David quote Jesus because he (David) "spoke from God as [he was] carried along by the Holy Spirit" (2 Peter 1:21)?

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

As I read this verse this last week, the words “at the time” really struck me. Yes, when we are going through discipline, it is painful. It’s only later that we are at peace, and hopefully, experiencing the harvest of righteousness.

It was actually an aha moment for me. Right now in the middle of my pain, it certainly is not pleasant. But the verse includes a precious promise that the discipline is producing a good result.

It brought back the memory of losing our baby at birth. How utterly painful that experience was, and yet, at the same time, I sensed God’s comfort and nearness in a way I had not before. Even now, 42 years later, it’s a precious memory for me of the nearness of God to me at that time. In spite of the tremendous grief I went through, it produced in me much good fruit: empathy for others in similar circumstances, as well as a better knowledge and experience of God Himself.

When we left our church in Richland, Washington was another instance of unpleasantness. We left a loving church family and the beauty of living in the Pacific Northwest to coming back to New Jersey and essentially, starting over. I had no friends here, the highway systems made no sense to me, there was so much congestion, everything was so confusing and depressing. Again, this was not pleasant “at the time,” but God in his grace, taught me how utterly dependent I was on him. Now that I can look back through the years, I see many benefits and blessings that are part of my life now, that I would not be experiencing except for that difficult year in my life’s journey.

So I expect that someday I will be able to look back on what I’m going through now and see that the benefits far outweigh the painful discipline. But not now…”at this time,” this is not pleasant, but painful.

In spite of my pain, though, God graces me with unasked for blessings. I spent all day yesterday sleeping. When I woke up, I still felt very tired, so I went back to bed. This happened all day: I would wake up, feel tired, go back to bed and sleep, wake up, feel tired, go back to bed and sleep some more. I was in bed all day. I didn’t shower and get dressed, I didn’t eat, I just slept. I wondered if I was coming down with something, but this morning when I woke up, I felt fine. A little tired, but as the day wore on, I felt better and better.

Then the Lord reminded me that several days (or maybe weeks) ago, I had been thinking how tired I was. I wondered what it would feel like to sleep and sleep and sleep - no worries, just sleep till I wasn't tired any more. So I think yesterday was a gift from the Lord. How good he is to me.

Psalm 127:2 ~ "...For He grants sleep to those He loves."

I'm glad I felt better today because I wanted to attend the funeral of a lady who had been at Care One Harmony Village and a member of our church. I went to the office and produced the bulletin for the service, then was able to attend the funeral. The family had invited one of the workers from Care One to participate in the service by giving a "remembrance." He said some very kind words about this lady. I was struck with how, not only this one man, but all the staff at Care One, are so kind, caring and loving toward the residents. They treat the residents as special and really love them. What's striking to me is that the residents are only a shell of who they were, but that doesn't seem to matter to the staff. They treat them with dignity, honor and respect.

Another incident I observed is indicative of the entire staff at this facility. I arrived one evening to see an ambulance outside the door, with a gurney being rushed toward it and EMT's pumping on a man's chest as they propelled him into the ambulance. As I walked into the building, the receptionist was standing there with tears streaming down her face. She didn't just have wet eyes, she was crying. It takes a special gift to love people this way. I'm so grateful that Andy is getting this kind of care.

So yes, what I'm going through right now is painful, but there are also glimpses of goodness in the pain. And I have the promise that this pain will produce a good result...I will be more like Christ. Shouldn't that be the central goal of our life?

I want to look back on my life, as Paul did in 2 Timothy 4, to be able to say I have kept the faith, knowing a crown of righteousness awaits me. Randy Alcorn in his book, 90 Days of God's Goodness, says that "Paul's final words to Timothy reflect both his resolve and his tenderness. Suffering makes hearts tender and gives us greater love for others." 

I don't know that I can truthfully be thankful for the pain I'm going through "at this time," but I know in the end, I'll be grateful for what God has taught me through it all.

When I was on vacation this summer with Christy and her family, we were talking one day about her girls getting braces. And in passing (I thought), I mentioned that I had always wished I'd gotten my teeth straightened. That started a conversation that finally had me promising I would pursue the possibility. But I didn't follow through until I got a prod from Christy, so the next time I saw my dentist (she's a good friend and goes to our church), I asked her what she thought. She immediately enthused over the idea and told me that one of her best friends was an orthodontist. I hemmed and hawed and gave some excuses, but she wouldn't let me off the hook. Later that week, she texted me to ask if I had set up an appointment yet. So right then I called and made the appointment for a consultation, then texted her back to say I had followed through!

It was amazing to see how little details came together to affirm that this was ok for me to do. When I called the office to make the appointment, the receptionist who answered recognized my name and was so positive about me going ahead with this. The receptionist is working in the same office that I took all three of our daughters to for their braces 25 years ago. The orthodontist is different, but she took over the office of the Dr. who had worked on the girls - when he retired.

I was pretty apprehensive about the expense, but even that worked out in an unbelievable way. I  had my consultation several weeks ago, then got them on this past Tuesday. As I was sitting in the chair with my mouth stretched open in a very uncomfortable position and cotton balls stuffed in my mouth to control the saliva, I couldn't help but wonder what in the world had made me decide to do this. Since then I've continued to ask that question because eating has been difficult and uncomfortable, too. And cleaning the teeth is very time consuming. But it's all for a good cause, right? No pain, no gain. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and think of the end result. And it is rather "fun" to be going through this along with Grace and Naomi. (Do I have a skewed idea of what is fun?)
 

Silly little Claire loves to photo bomb!

The kids were performing in a concert on Friday night, so I drove over to be able to enjoy it. These are all homeschooled kids, in different choirs on different levels. The directors are professionally trained with various degrees so the quality of the music the kids produce is amazing. It's really a pleasure to sit through the program (not tortuous like some kids' productions!). Grace had a violin piece that she played with the choir on one of the songs and she did a fantastic job. It's one of my favorite songs: Gloria by Vivaldi. Grace and Aiden were in the oldest choir and Claire was in the Prima Choir. Naomi and Asher were not involved because they had been participating in another activity this fall.

On Friday afternoon, Dawn met me at COHV (Care One Harmony Village) to visit with Andy. When we were leaving, one of the PT's met us and asked if I had seen their "new" spa. I said I knew about it but hadn't really been inside. So he took Dawn and me in and showed us around. He turned on all the blue lights, the calming music and the water therapy, then proceeded to show how the massage chair worked. He took out his phone and showed me a video of Andy's tremors and how bad they were, but then he took Andy to the spa and had him relax on the chair. In only a few minutes, his tremors had ceased - and he showed me the video he had taken when Andy's tremors were under control.

This is so amazing to me about this place. The staff are so caring and really make an effort to love their residents. I'm so impressed that they take videos of the residents, then show the videos of Andy to me when I come in. Videos take up lots of space on iphones, but this is just another indication that they are caring and love the people they work with.

The PT told me I could take Andy in to the spa if I see his tremors are causing him anxiety. And he proceeded to show me how to turn everything on. He also said that if the door was locked, I could ask for the key at the front desk, and if I didn't remember how to work something, the receptionist could help me because all the staff has been trained on how to set it up. I tried it tonight after dinner. It was wonderful! I turned on all the blue lights, the water therapy, the soft music and had Andy sit in the chair. Then I turned that on, the massage feature, and he sat there quietly for 15 minutes without trying to talk or do anything. So it was relaxing for me, too.

I was happy to be home yesterday to enjoy the snow. It snowed all day and was so beautiful. It makes everything look clean, fresh and new. Then with the sun shining today, it added sparkle to the snow. I took some pictures first thing this morning. The sun wasn't 
entirely up in the sky yet, so everything had a blue tint to it - which gives an air of mystery to the pictures.

Snow always reminds me of how clean we are when we are cleansed by Jesus' blood. 

Psalm 51:7 - "Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."

Isaiah 1:18 - '"Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool'."

Natalie Grant sings a song that so graphically illustrates our state and how much we need the cleansing of Jesus:

 Clean
I see shattered
You see whole
I see broken
But You see beautiful
And You're helping me to believe
You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

What was dead now lives again
My heart's beating, beating inside my chest
Oh I'm coming alive with joy and destiny
Cause You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean, oh yeah

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I am clean

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I'm clean, I'm clean, ohhh I'm

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I'm clean, oh I'm clean, I'm clean
Oh You made me
You wash me
Clean
Oh You made me clean
Written by: Natalie Diane Grant-Herms, Bernhard Herms; Lyrics © MUSIC SERVICES, INC., Universal Music Publishing Group

We've been studying the book of Hebrews in the Sunday school class I've been attending. The phrase in the song above that describes our being washed in mercy reminds me of Hebrews 4:16, where we're told "we can approach God's throne of grace with confidence where we will receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

These are good reminders at this time of year when we focus on the baby in the manger, that He came with a purpose - to die for our sins. He washed us and made us clean by the sacrifice of His own life. Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Is it ok to brag a little???? Probably not, but I will anyway. I have finished my Christmas shopping for the family...and the presents are under the tree! I still have a few gifts to buy for friends.

I have the Christmas lights up on the bushes in the front of the house. I never had the icicles taken down, so that didn't need to be done again. But I put lights on the bushes yesterday, then someone came over to help me put the timers on them.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Last week I was struggling with sadness and worry: sad that Andy is no longer a part of our family holidays, worry because I didn't know how I was going to continue to pay for him being at such an expensive facility.

By Monday evening, I was drawn to the Psalms and was so encouraged by where God led me. 

Psalm 143:
"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief."  (verse 1)

"My spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed." (verse 4)

"I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (verses 6-8)

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." (verse 10)

"For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble." (verse 11)

I was especially encouraged by verse 10, comforted to know God's good Spirit was going to lead me on level ground.

Then on Wednesday afternoon, the mail brought a check that I wasn't expecting. At that point, a feeling came over me that this was the beginning of God's meeting all my needs. 

And the next day, I got an email from someone who wanted to help me with the financial burden I'm carrying; the only stipulation being that they needed to remain completely anonymous. 

Psalm 146:9 says: "The LORD sustains the fatherless and the widow." I stand in awe of his faithfulness.

I called our attorney on Monday and have an appointment set to begin the application process for Medicaid. She gave me an assignment to make copies of all our bank statements for the last 5 years. I've already done that. She will go through those statements and check them for questions we might encounter when we submit the application. There is a lot to do, receipts to look up and find, and who knows what all...but step by step...we'll get it done.

I stopped by to see Dawn one evening to rescue her for a little break from 24/7 littles and was able to get this cute picture of our February babies. Kasey will be 4 and Cole will be 2, both in February.

I'm so grateful that the Lord hears me and sympathizes with my weaknesses. I can approach his throne of grace with confidence, knowing that I will receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16) And right now, I'm very needy.

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."

Songwriters: David Crowder, Ben Glover Glover, Matt Maher; Come As You Are lyrics © CAPITOL CHRISTIAN MUSIC GROUP

"Giving thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

First of all, I'm thankful for Thanksgiving because it is an opportunity to remember how much we have to be thankful for. We all have troubles, trials and difficult things we are dealing with, but even in dark times, we can be thankful. 

I am dealing with Andy's illness which is very difficult for me. Seeing the one I love suffer is almost more than I can bear. I tear up as I type this. So what can I find to be thankful for in this? 

Actually, there is a lot that I can think of, and I'm sure that there is a lot more that I just take for granted, that I'm oblivious to.

When I arrived at Care One Harmony Village (COHV) on Monday night, I saw Andy's doctor in the conference room. I was signing in, but he looked up and saw me, and took a few minutes to talk to me. He told me he had contacted Andy's other doctor and they decided to reduce a couple of Andy's medications. I was grateful for that opportunity to talk to the doctor, as well as his listening to my concerns last week, then following through. 

I wasn't sure when I first scheduled the hike for Tuesday whether it would be good timing because of it being Thanksgiving week. As it turned out, I'm glad I hadn't canceled because the weather was beautiful. It was also good for me to be with others that day. Being with people helps take my mind off my own troubles. Hearing the stories of others who are going through their own struggles is a mutual encouragement.

There were six of us, and we went to Palmyra Cove for our hike. I like that park because we always see deer. And as we drove into the nature center, we had to wait for a huge flock of turkeys to cross the road. This park is right along the Delaware River, but also has a large wooded area with trails winding throughout those woods. We hiked along the perimeter trail until we hit the Cove Trail, took that to the end, then turned around and hiked back to the nature center - my guess is about 5 miles total.

This is a beaver lodge in the middle of the tidal pool. We were there at low tide so the lodge seems pretty exposed, but my guess is that the beavers are still pretty safe because what, after all, is going to risk walking in that sand and mud?

In anticipation that I would be by myself on Thanskgiving Day, I invited myself to go to the Thanksgiving parade in Philadelphia with Dawn and her in-laws. Andy and I had gone a number of years ago when Kira was a baby, but after doing that, we decided it wasn't for us. But I believe the Lord gave me the idea to do it again because it would give me something to do, and I'd be with people I love. We took the high-speed-line over to Philadelphia, then walked several blocks to find a good spot in the sun. It was pretty cold, so sun was important. I was dressed warm and really wasn't cold at all.

After standing to watch the parade for about an hour, someone discovered that those doors directly behind us led to an inside Starbucks. Well, that was the end of watching the parade for me. I went in, had a coffee, and stayed inside until everyone was ready to leave. Pretty wimpy, right???

When I got home, I spent the rest of the day making a batch of rolls and a pumpkin cheesecake dessert. Everything came out of the oven in time for me to make it over to see Andy.

We had our family time on Friday...this has been our family tradition since the girls have been married and have their own families. We order pizza and panzarottis, I make a huge salad, and everybody's happy. After we had our coffee, we all drove over to COHV to see Andy. I really wanted to get an updated family picture with everyone. I didn't have one that included Cole. 

We had to take many pictures, and try several different times, but finally got one that was acceptable. The sun was shining and we were able to be outside, which was our hope since natural lighting is always the best. Andy was cold and wanted to go inside, but he was a good sport and did what we wanted. He was also feeling pretty miserable and really wanted to just lie down. At the same time, he was happy to see everyone and wanted to be there with them.

I am very happy with this picture and have looked at it numerous times. It always makes my heart smile. A friend commented that it was sweet that Andy and I were holding hands. I like holding his hand, but I also have to do it to help guide him to where he needs to go. He would either wander off or stand still in confusion.

We didn't really spend a lot of time with him because he just wasn't up to it. So Christy and her family came back to our house, and they graciously put up my tree and decorated it. I honestly don't think I would have bothered if they hadn't wanted to do it.

I fed them their dinner before sending them on their way. Everyone was tired after the excitement of the day, but I am grateful for the blessing of our family.

Speaking of family, on Saturday, Dawn called me to ask how I was doing. I told her I was emotional, having a hard time keeping back the tears. After all, holidays are difficult when there is a family member missing. And seeing him in his condition on Friday was also hard. She then asked me if I wanted to come over. They were going to take Kasey to get her ears pierced. She had been asking for that, especially after seeing her cousin the day before with earrings. So I jumped at the chance to get out of the house and to be with people I love. I drove with them in their car to the mall where Kasey picked out earrings, then bravely sat while she got her ears pierced. I couldn't believe it but she didn't cry. She looked a little shocked to get the "pinch" but she bravely endured! What a cutie!

In an email I received this week from Grief Share, I couldn't agree more with what was advised:

Dr. Larry Crabb says, “In the field of the soul there are no professional surgeons; there are only caring Christians... People in the church will enable you, through their love, to move forward on your journey. They may not know the exact words to say, and their timing will not always be right, but be assured that they love you because they love the Lord." 

This is exactly what happens on Sunday mornings when I go to church, or any time during the week when I am with someone from church. They care enough to ask me how I'm doing, how Andy's doing, then empathize with me as I tell them what I'm going through. They are not threatened by my tears and they promise to pray for me.

On top of the trauma of dealing with Andy's illness and watching him suffer is some news I received about our financial situation. There are a lot of questions that will need to be worked through - this seems overwhelming to me. I need to start applying for Medicaid assistance. Fortunately, I have a good elder care lawyer who is willing to make the application for me, but there will still be lots of paperwork for me to provide and sign and prove, etc. 

But again...in everything give thanks. God has promised that "He will provide for all our needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

I can't see the future or try to figure out how this is all going to work out, but some day, I'll look back and be amazed at what God did. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.


"Cast My Cares"

When fear feels bigger than my faith
And struggles steal my breath away
When my back's pressed up against the wall
With the weight of my worries stacked up tall
You're strong enough to hold it all

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul

This war's not what I would have chosen
But You see the future no one knows yet
And You're still good when I can't
See the working of Your hands
You're holding it all

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul

I'm finding there's freedom,
When I lay it all on Your shoulders

Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You
Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You
Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul
 Publishing: © 2014 Universal Music - Brentwood Benson Publishing (ASCAP) / Songs Of Emack (ASCAP)

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

If we're so tough, where do we go? Actually I think my modus operandi is more like the song Plumb sings: How many times have I cried out, "God please take this"? I am anything but tough.

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
 

Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Songwriters: Christina Wells / Luke Sheets / Tiffany Lee, Need You Now lyrics © DO Write Music LLC, Mike Curb Music

Andy had a good day last week where we were able to enjoy being together. He asked me about church. So I told him everyone who was on staff, including the three interns. After I finished the list, he was quiet, then teared up. He said, "tell everyone I love them." Oh, how touching. But then the next thing out of his mouth was: "So have you been doing any preaching lately?" Uh, no!

Then the next two nights were awful. His tremors were significant and they were distressing him. While I was there the one night, his doctor came in. I was so glad I was there, because when the doctor asked Andy how he was doing, he said "ok." I was able to talk to the doctor, questioning him on whether all the meds Andy is taking are really necessary, since they eventually lose their effectiveness. Also, one or two of them are highly potent, and do they really do what they're intended to do. I found out that to increase the meds to control his tremors cause the side effects of dizziness and low blood pressure. Several times Andy has complained of dizziness, even falling on several occasions because of extremely low blood pressure. So there's a trade off - either we do better at controlling the tremors which leads to low blood pressure and possible falls or we live with the tremors. This is very difficult to explain to Andy, though.

Christy's Claire had a birthday on Tuesday - her 6th. She wanted a bowling party and invited me to join the family and two of her friends. I didn't bowl, but sat and watched and talked to Christy. We all had a good time. Claire is quite stylish in her "bowling outfit."

And you'll never guess what kind of cake she had! E-claire cake!

You'd have to be blind not to see that Claire loves pink and frills. So she was pretty happy with the gift I gave her.

A couple of evenings were spent with Dawn and her family. Monday night she came to Care One Harmony Village while I was visiting Andy. The kids really like to go there. The ice cream parlor is a hit, but they also like writing on the white board in Andy's room.

Another evening, I stopped at Starbucks and took Dawn's favorite drink to her house where we sat and chatted and played with the kids. 

I think hanging around all those kids during the week compromised my immune system. I thought I was coming down with a cold so I started sucking on Cold Eeze losenges and going to bed with Nyquil. I woke Saturday morning feeling so slow, like I'd been drugged (like I'd taken Nyquil - ha, ha). There were things I had to get done, but I just didn't have the energy. I did a lot of resting and working in slow motion, and I did get most of my list accomplished. Then all of a sudden, I felt good right around dinner time. (The Nyquil must have worn off!)

For a while, I've been missing the privilege of hosting gatherings at our house. Andy and I felt very strongly that God gave us this house, and we wanted to use it for Him and His purposes. So over the years, we hosted many different Bible study groups and meetings, as well as having the room for our own family as we grew.

Then the Lord provided me with an opportunity to host a birthday party for a friend from church. It was special how all the details came together and pointed to my hosting the party at our house. Granted, I wouldn't have Andy to help me bring tables and chairs up from the basement, but there would be others who could help.

As it turned out, it was a beautiful afternoon in every way. Our house was full of laughter, friends and good food.

 

 

We had 8 adults and 11 children - a table and house full! It was a special blessing from the Lord that as we ate and talked together, many of those who were here mentioned how they had met "Pastor Andy" and how much he meant to them. My heart was full and I am grateful for the Lord's goodness to me.

As we go into Thanksgiving week, it is fitting to praise God for Who He is and what He has done. 

Psalm 33:1-5, 20-22
"Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him. 
Praise the LORD with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song; play skillfully and shout for joy.
for the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love...
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Up and down, up and down...living at extremes

Dawn met me at Care One on Monday evening with the kids. We had the usual ice cream in the ice cream parlor, then went back to Andy's room with him. He was more alert that he usually is and he obviously enjoyed the children. 

But the rest of the week, he was in distress. The tremors really bother him. I don't think he's in pain, but the constant uncontrollable shaking is hard to ignore and causes him anxiety. 

The nurse told me that his medications have been changed which may take his body a couple of days to get accustomed to the new regimen. I think the doctors are trying to ease his tremors, but at this point, nothing seems to be working.

On Friday evening when I arrived, Andy was already eating his dinner. I took over for the care giver. He would open his mouth as the fork came to his mouth, but he was practically catatonic and unresponsive otherwise. When he finally finished the meal, I helped him back to his room. He was shaking so violently and was in such distress that I promised him I would find the nurse. When the nurse came in, she advised him to lie on the bed on his left side. When he did so, his right hand stopped shaking. I got a wet washcloth to put on his forehead because his room was hot. He lay quietly for about 10 minutes, then sat up and seemed perfectly normal. It was the strangest thing. Did the medicine finally kick in? What made the difference between the violent shaking and catatonic state to the feeling better enough to sit up and engage with his surroundings? It's so puzzling.

I've also had some stressful situations at home with Andy's mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year or so after Andy was. She is still home, living in the in-law apartment attached to our house. I am not very involved in caring for her, but she does live in my house. She has always enjoyed doing laundry, but recently, it has become almost an obsession or fixation for her. I have noticed her doing laundry nearly every day. And when I do my own laundry, she thinks its hers so she goes into the laundry room and pushes buttons or takes clothes out of the washer or dryer when it's not even hers. I have to watch her constantly. 

In the last week or two, she's been "washing" items that shred apart in the washer and dryer, making a huge mess for either Dad or myself to clean up. On Monday when I got home from work, I walked into the laundry room to find Dad with the vacuum cleaner trying to vacuum out lint from the dryer. There was already a large pile of lint on the dryer that he had been able to get out. He suggested I call someone to come clean out the dryer vent because there was so much lint, he was afraid it would cause a fire and be a danger.

Well, this caused me so much stress. I felt that the best solution was to put a lock on the laundry room door to keep her out. But would that be kind because it was one thing she loved to do. But it wouldn't be kind to let her continue to destroy the appliances.So I did not sleep all night, just thinking about all of this. What is the solution? I remember thinking in the middle of the night: "I quit. This is all too hard." 

But the next morning, reality hit. I can't quit. This is a new day - the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The night seemed so dark and the hours ticked by so slowly, but the morning brought hope and even joy because his mercies are new every morning.

Then I read about Julian of Norwich in a book we have on our shelf, Devotional Classics. She lived from 1343 - 1413 and had a deep desire to know and love God. She wrote: "I wanted to experience every kind of pain, bodily and spiritual, which I would have if I were to die - every fear and temptation. I intended this because I wanted to be purged by God's mercy and afterwards live more to his glory because of that sickness."

I was in awe. She actually wanted to suffer. But the purpose of that suffering was so she could share in Christ's sufferings and know God better. It's obvious she did enjoy a beautiful relationship with her Lord because she also writes: "We are so preciously loved by God that we cannot even comprehend it. No created being can ever know how much and how sweetly and tenderly God loves them. It is only with the help of his grace that we are able to persevere in spiritual contemplation with endless wonder at his high, surpassing, immeasurable love which our Lord in his goodness has for us."

Everyone suffers in some way. None of us would chose how we would "like" to suffer. I don't suffer with an unbelieving husband or with wayward children or life in a country halfway around the world being persecuted for my faith. My suffering is mine, and I believe God doesn't waste experiences. He can use what we are going through to show his might, power and love as he enables us to endure, praise him in the storm and grow in our love for him. He also lovingly opens our eyes to reveal our hearts to us...how self-centered, impatient, prone to want the easy way out, etc. In fact, the seed of every sin is in my own heart. He shows us our hearts so that we can repent and realize we need his help to live a life that pleases him.

When my eyes are open to it, I have much to be thankful for. This past week, a friend came over to help me adjust the timers on my lights. While he was here, he changed a couple bulbs that had burned out and were too high in my cathedral ceilings for me to take care of. I also received a card from someone who had gone to our church years ago. She told me she had been to Care One with her job and was surprised to see Andy there. She met with him and shared a verse with him that she had read that morning in her private devotional time. This meant a lot to me. She not only helped Andy, but also took the time to write me a note to tell me about her time with him.

Yesterday I drove up to see Amy and her family. I just hung out with them, reading books to the kids, watching their "exploits," doing errands with Amy, just being with them. Katy the youngest is taking gymnastic lessons which is perfect for her. She has so much energy and was eager to perform for me. She was proud of herself being able to jump rope on the trampoline. She kept on, over and over. If I had one tenth of her energy, I could get a lot done!

And here's a lovely handstand on the trampoline. I don't think I could ever in my life do a headstand, let alone a handstand. She is very agile and talented.

 What a fun time I had with the family. 

The week also provided an opportunity to have lunch with a friend on Tuesday. She is going through a hard time, and we were able to encourage one another with the Scriptures and reminders of the goodness of God.

At church today I enjoyed numerous conversations with friends and even met a few new people. After church I joined several others at a Thai restaurant, grateful for the chance to be with fellow believers on a day that usually feels long.

Another excerpt from Devotional Classics written by Soren Kierkegaard, was so encouraging to me this week. He wrote a prayer to God: "You who are unchangeable, whom nothing changes! You who are unchangeable in love, precisely for our welfare, not submitting to any change: may we too will our welfare, submitting ourselves to the discipline of Your unchangeableness, so that we may in unconditional obedience find our rest and remain at rest in Your unchangeableness. You are not like us; if we are to preserve only some degree of constancy, we must not permit ourselves too much to be moved, nor by too many things. You on the contrary are moved, and moved in infinite love, by all things. Even that which we human beings call an insignificant trifle, and pass by unmoved, the need of a sparrow, even this moves You; and what we so often scarcely notice, a human sigh, this moves You, You who are unchangeable! You who in infinite love do submit to be moved, may this our prayer also move You to add Your blessing, in order that there may be brought about such a change in us who pray as to bring us into conformity with Your unchangeable will, You who are unchangeable."

What a beautiful concept: God is unchangeable, but is moved by our sighs. We are worth much more than the sparrow and He keeps track of our tears. 

Psalm 56:8 ~ "Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll— are they not in your record?"

Psalm 126:5 ~ "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy."

Sorrow may come in the night, but joy comes with the morning. Great is His faithfulness.