I constantly need to learn and re-learn the lesson of waiting on the Lord. He has been gently whispering, reminding me that I am too concerned about feeling the need to know how long this is going to last. I'm in the middle of several things that are just not being resolved very quickly. This has to be ok...There's nothing I can do to hurry things along. Do I really trust God and His sovereignty? 

Then today in pastor's message, he gave an illustration of a man who said he determined that his life's verse should be Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Our waiting is important to God. He says it twice in this one verse. Waiting is an indication that we are trusting in Him to work things out. 

In fact, another verse that I discovered some time ago is Isaiah 64:4 which declares that God "acts on behalf of those who wait for him." My trying to work things out and even my anxiety if I can't make things happen, is really not trusting God. My working actually prevents Him from doing the work. In reality, He can do a much better job since he knows the end from the beginning, and all the little details that I might miss. 

Waiting on the Lord involves patient endurance. This trial has revealed to me that I am not a patient person. I want resolution. But I was convicted this week that I need to stay the course. This might take a long time, maybe years. But God who is faithful, will help me be faithful. God is the God of encouragement and will encourage me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and he will help me to persevere.  A friend shared with me 2 Thessalonians 3:3 & 5 ~ "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one...May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." This is a great comfort to me, because this is just too hard for me to do on my own.

And then I read in 90 Days of God's Goodness a quote by J.C. Ryle, where he says: "There is nothing which shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every cross is a message from God and intended to do us good in the end. Trials are intended to make us think, to wean us from the world, to send us to the Bible, to drive us to our knees."

I can't help but think of all that Jesus endured when he was here on earth, his passion and death on the cross. The gospels record how he didn't open his mouth against his accusers. He didn't resist his captors or retaliate. Peter in 1 Peter 2:21 says that we are called to suffer as Christ suffered. He was our example. He entrusted himself to God who judges justly. And how can we do less? My suffering is miniscule compared to what Christ suffered, but my heart is often consumed with fear, anxiety and complaints.

I had a free morning on Tuesday, so I picked up Kasey and brought her to the house for some girl time. She spends her days with her brother and 3 boy cousins, so Dawn and I have pity on her and are trying to provide at least one day a month for her to have a break from the boys. It was a nice day so we played on the swing set for a little while, then walked back to the pond to see if there was any water in it. There was a little since we had quite a bit of rain recently, enough for a couple of ducks to be splashing about.

Our neighbor has a huge area fenced in for a number of goats, so Kasey and I went over to look at them. They came over to see us, baaing as they came and butting up against the gate. All of a sudden, the gate opened and a goat escaped. I quickly leaned against the gate to prevent the others from getting out. As I tried to figure out what had happened, I realized that the clasp that had held the gate shut was rusted and had fallen to the ground. So now there is no way to close the gate.

Fortunately, I had my phone in my pocket and was able to text the woman who owns the goats about the situation. And again, fortunately, she was home and was able to come save me from the goats. It was a bit comical. In the middle of holding the gate shut against the goats, Kasey told me she was ready to go back to the house. I told her I was ready, too. But I had to persevere and wait for the owner of the goats to rescue me. 

So there are lots of opportunities to practice waiting and allowing others to bring relief to our dilemmas.  

When we got back to the house, we had a little more time for some play. Maybe Kasey will follow her other Grammy and her great grandpa by going into the medical field.
 

 

 

What a sweetie. I thoroughly enjoyed having her with me. There's nothing like a child to help you forget your troubles.

Another day's reading in 90 Days of God's Goodness referred to Joni Eareckson Tada. If anyone knows about suffering, she does. I love everything she writes. She says, "It is when your soul has been blasted bare, when you feel raw and undone, that you can be better bonded to the Savior. And then you not only meet suffering on God's terms, but you meet joy on God's terms. And then God...happily shares his gladness, his joy flooding over heaven's walls filling my heart in a waterfall of delight, which then in turn always streams out to others in a flood of encouragement, and then erupts back to God in an ecstatic fountain of praise. He gets your heart pumping for heaven. He injects his peace, power, and perspective into your spiritual being. He imparts a new way of looking at your hardships. He puts a song in your heart."  

Then at the end of that day's reading, Randy Alcorn prays for God's grace. "We need your grace today, this moment, to know that we are in your hands, that you will get us through. Thank you for your past grace poured out for us on the cross and your future grace that will be poured out to us in your eternal kingdom. Give us present grace, that we may sing your praises now."

It's all grace...every moment! In the here and now, as we wait on Him.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

As I read this verse this last week, the words “at the time” really struck me. Yes, when we are going through discipline, it is painful. It’s only later that we are at peace, and hopefully, experiencing the harvest of righteousness.

It was actually an aha moment for me. Right now in the middle of my pain, it certainly is not pleasant. But the verse includes a precious promise that the discipline is producing a good result.

It brought back the memory of losing our baby at birth. How utterly painful that experience was, and yet, at the same time, I sensed God’s comfort and nearness in a way I had not before. Even now, 42 years later, it’s a precious memory for me of the nearness of God to me at that time. In spite of the tremendous grief I went through, it produced in me much good fruit: empathy for others in similar circumstances, as well as a better knowledge and experience of God Himself.

When we left our church in Richland, Washington was another instance of unpleasantness. We left a loving church family and the beauty of living in the Pacific Northwest to coming back to New Jersey and essentially, starting over. I had no friends here, the highway systems made no sense to me, there was so much congestion, everything was so confusing and depressing. Again, this was not pleasant “at the time,” but God in his grace, taught me how utterly dependent I was on him. Now that I can look back through the years, I see many benefits and blessings that are part of my life now, that I would not be experiencing except for that difficult year in my life’s journey.

So I expect that someday I will be able to look back on what I’m going through now and see that the benefits far outweigh the painful discipline. But not now…”at this time,” this is not pleasant, but painful.

In spite of my pain, though, God graces me with unasked for blessings. I spent all day yesterday sleeping. When I woke up, I still felt very tired, so I went back to bed. This happened all day: I would wake up, feel tired, go back to bed and sleep, wake up, feel tired, go back to bed and sleep some more. I was in bed all day. I didn’t shower and get dressed, I didn’t eat, I just slept. I wondered if I was coming down with something, but this morning when I woke up, I felt fine. A little tired, but as the day wore on, I felt better and better.

Then the Lord reminded me that several days (or maybe weeks) ago, I had been thinking how tired I was. I wondered what it would feel like to sleep and sleep and sleep - no worries, just sleep till I wasn't tired any more. So I think yesterday was a gift from the Lord. How good he is to me.

Psalm 127:2 ~ "...For He grants sleep to those He loves."

I'm glad I felt better today because I wanted to attend the funeral of a lady who had been at Care One Harmony Village and a member of our church. I went to the office and produced the bulletin for the service, then was able to attend the funeral. The family had invited one of the workers from Care One to participate in the service by giving a "remembrance." He said some very kind words about this lady. I was struck with how, not only this one man, but all the staff at Care One, are so kind, caring and loving toward the residents. They treat the residents as special and really love them. What's striking to me is that the residents are only a shell of who they were, but that doesn't seem to matter to the staff. They treat them with dignity, honor and respect.

Another incident I observed is indicative of the entire staff at this facility. I arrived one evening to see an ambulance outside the door, with a gurney being rushed toward it and EMT's pumping on a man's chest as they propelled him into the ambulance. As I walked into the building, the receptionist was standing there with tears streaming down her face. She didn't just have wet eyes, she was crying. It takes a special gift to love people this way. I'm so grateful that Andy is getting this kind of care.

So yes, what I'm going through right now is painful, but there are also glimpses of goodness in the pain. And I have the promise that this pain will produce a good result...I will be more like Christ. Shouldn't that be the central goal of our life?

I want to look back on my life, as Paul did in 2 Timothy 4, to be able to say I have kept the faith, knowing a crown of righteousness awaits me. Randy Alcorn in his book, 90 Days of God's Goodness, says that "Paul's final words to Timothy reflect both his resolve and his tenderness. Suffering makes hearts tender and gives us greater love for others." 

I don't know that I can truthfully be thankful for the pain I'm going through "at this time," but I know in the end, I'll be grateful for what God has taught me through it all.

Tuesday was my birthday - the beginning of my last year in the 60's. My friends came through with lots of love and attention. I met two friends for lunch, then another friend took me out to dinner. Andy's brother very kindly bought a bouquet of flowers and a card, took them over to Andy and helped him sign the card.
 

On Valentine's Day a bouquet of roses showed up at my front door from another couple, thinking of me. So I have quite a collection of flowers and cards.

Meanwhile, not much has changed...which sometimes is a good thing.

I continue to read Randy Alcorn's book, Ninety Days of God's Goodness. Every day's reading is so comforting with good reminders of God's character and how we can trust Him with everything that we are going through. 

What I read today was titled: Too Small to See the Big Picture. The Scripture reading was from Isaiah 55:6-9 familiar verses where God tells us: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Randy asks: "Why should I, a finite and fallen creature, expect that I will understand God's reasons for doing what he does and allowing what he allows? If God always thought the way I do, something would be terribly wrong with him."

He continues in a later paragraph, "We tend to see God as a bigger, smarter version of ourselves...But God is not like us: 'God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind' (Numbers 23:19). God says, 'you thought I was altogether like you' (Psalm 50:21). Whatever seems good to us, we think, should be good to God. Whatever we think is fair, God should do...Yet we have neither the qualifications nor the authority to exercise such judgment. Not only does God's character infinitely surpass our own, but his thoughts and perspectives radically transcend ours."

And he concludes this section with the assertion that "we don't need explanations, we need 'God, who comforts the downcast' (2 Corinthians 7:6). God doesn't always explain why we suffer, yet millions of people attest to the comfort he has brought them in their darkest hours."

I say "amen" to that. It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves, but when life is so hard, there is no one else to turn to but God. And he gives peace, life, comfort, the strength to go on, but the greatest gift of all: Himself.

Psalm 147:3 ~ "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Psalm 94:19 ~ "When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."

Psalm 63:7-8 ~ "Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."

Psalm 62:1-2 ~ "My soul finds rest in God alone, my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

In the Sunday school class I've been attending, we've been encouraged to memorize one verse from each chapter of Hebrews. I've been enjoying that and the verses have been so precious as I review them before I fall asleep at night.

Hebrews 4:16 has been especially meaningful to me; "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say that verse, then I tell the Lord that I am there, I am in a time of great need. His mercy and grace are available to me, giving me the strength to go on. He never gets tired of me coming to him, but tells us we can approach him with confidence. He always hears me and delights to serve me by meeting my needs.  

How good is the God we adore! He is worthy of our love, adoration, praise and worship.

Staff building...bury the hatchet...do those two phrases go together? Hmmm...depends on the staff and what you mean by burying the hatchet.

It was pastor's idea. All the pastors, interns and office staff did a 5th Wednesday special activity together which happened to be at a facility called "Bury the Hatchet." It's really more a guy thing, but I did participate, along with two other women. I confess up front that I did not do very well. In fact, I did pathetically horrible. I could get the hatchet to hit the target, but I didn't have enough strength to get it to stick, so it hit, then fell off. 

I knew from the beginning I had no chance of doing well but it was an interesting activity and the comradery and competitiveness was fun to be part of. In a way, it wasn't really very fair because after all, 1) I'm a lot older than the other participants; 2) I'm female with no testosterone; 3) I'm shorter than everyone else. So those are my excuses and I'm sticking to them.

I was able to spend some time with Kasey on Tuesday. I met a friend for coffee in the morning, then went and picked up Kasey. I brought her back to my house for some girl time. We bonded by playing Candyland and dressing up like princesses.

She allowed me to braid her hair which is fun for me. (A few days later, she still had those braids so I guess it was fun for her, too.)

We have a lot of birthdays this time of year. Asher's is January 31. He turned 10. I went and picked him up on Friday and brought him back to the house. What a delightful boy he is. I had such a good time with him one on one. He loves the game of Greedy, and we played 10 games in the night and day he was with me. We played a few other games just to add a little variety, but we always came back to Greedy. 

It was freezing cold on Saturday but we had to do our traditional birthday hike. We dressed warmly and went over to Long Bridge Park. The outside temperature was 24 degrees. Brrr. There was ice along the shore of the Rancocas Creek, which was fun for Asher to  step on and try to break. Then of course, he had to try using the broken pieces like skipping stones. I don't know how he could stand to hold those ice pieces but they didn't seem to bother him.

After our hike, we stopped in to see Andy. Asher played three pieces on the piano for us to enjoy. Then of course, we had to avail ourselves of the ice cream parlor.

The rest of the day was spent in more games of Greedy! I'm always intrigued at how the kids can occupy themselves. I needed to spend some time in preparing the evening meal when everyone would be joining us. So Asher stayed busy by arranging the tri-omino tiles in various designs to bring about different results.

The rest of the family arrived by 4:00 pm - all the kids, spouses and grandkids. It was wild and crazy. After the meal of baked ziti, two kinds of salads, homemade rolls, and blueberry dessert, we were entertained by Tommy and Dawn, as we tried to determine who had the biggest biceps! Laughter is good medicine, right?

And one more party today...this one for Kasey and Cole at Dawn's house. Cole's birthday was Feb. 1 and Kasey's will be Feb. 8, one week apart, celebrating ages 2 and 4. They got so many presents. It was like Christmas all over again.

I am so grateful for the family God has blessed me with. It makes my heartache bearable.

I'm currently reading 90 Days of God's Goodness by Randy Alcorn. I always appreciate his perspective. 




On Day 18, he referenced the two men walking on the road to Emmaus with Jesus after the resurrection. He compared their situation to our own. "Many of us, without realizing it, have walked the Emmaus road. Sorrow overwhelms us. Questions plague us. We wonder where God is...when all along he walks beside us."

Isn't that the truth? He has promised to never leave us, he is always with us, his Spirit lives within us. So even in our darkest hours, even though we may not feel like he is with us, he still is. This is a great comfort to me. And on another day (page 73), Randy adds that "no matter how bad the present, an eternity with Christ in Heaven will completely overshadow it." Some day when we're in our Savior's presence, we'll be able to say that the things we're going through now are "light and momentary troubles." 

In another day's reading, Randy reminds us that there will be eternal triumph over temporary suffering (day 22). "The Cross is God's answer to the question, 'Why don't you do something about evil?' God did do something...and what he did was so great and unprecedented that it shook the angelic realm's foundation. It ripped in half, from the top down, not only the temple curtain but the fabric of the universe itself...Evil and suffering formed the crucible in which God demonstrated his love to humankind. His love comes to us soaked in divine blood...God does not merely empathize with our sufferings, He actually suffers. Jesus is God ("the exact representation of His being," Hebrews 1:3). What Jesus suffered, God suffered. God allowed and ordained Jesus' temporary suffering so he could prevent our eternal suffering."

This world is not what it was meant to be
All this pain, all this suffering
There's a better place
Waiting for me
In Heaven

Every tear will be wiped away
Every sorrow and sin erased
We'll dance on seas of amazing grace
In Heaven
In Heaven

 I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Home

Lay down my burdens, I lay down my past
I run to Jesus, no turning back
Thank God Almighty, I'll be free at last
In Heaven
In Heaven
I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong

Blinded eyes will finally see
The dead will rise on the shores of eternity
The trump will sound, the angels will sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I am goin' home

Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Where I belong

I'm goin' home
I'm goin' home
I'm on my way home
I'm goin' home 
 Writer(s): Chris Tomlin, Jason Ingram, Jonas Myrin, Ed Cash 

As Andy's disease progresses, he becomes more discouraged, frustrated, and even annoyed at his condition. The constant trembling in his right hand is wearing him out. He doesn't know what to do about it, and I certainly don't know either. One evening this week as I was visiting him, he said he'd like to talk to the doctor about his options. As I pressed him to explain what he meant, I finally figured out that he wanted to talk about end of life issues. I told him the doctor couldn't do that, our lives are in God's hands. He agreed with me. And not too much later, with his hand jerking and trembling, he again said he wanted to talk about options. When I pressed again, he said maybe the doctor could cut off his hand. Yikes! That's getting quite extreme, but I think it is a good indication of how frustrating it must be for him to have that constant, uncontrollable tremor. 

I've talked to the doctor on a number of occasions about the tremor: isn't there a medication that can help reduce that? And a number of times, the dosage has been increased. But I have not seen any change any time there has been an increase. 

In spite of our questions, I can see God at work. 

I am constantly affirmed in the decision I made to admit Andy to the facility where he is. He has a physical therapist (PT) and speech therapist (ST) working with him in different areas. The PT has been taking Andy on walks around the property or to the park or just up the street. His goal was to get him physically up to walking about a mile and then have me surprise him by meeting him at a restaurant for lunch. I was up to that idea but had my doubts as to Andy's ability to accomplish that goal.

But the PT said he thought Andy was ready to try it and we set the date for Wednesday. I got to the restaurant first, then I saw Andy and the PT coming towards me. When I saw Andy, I knew immediately that he was exhausted. He saw me and recognized me, and he half-heartedly raised his hand to wave at me. It was all he could do to make it inside the restaurant. I really don't think he enjoyed the meal because he was in agony. The PT was very kind and attentive to Andy, helping him when his tremors were making it hard to drink or eat. I offered to drive them back to the facility. It was the first time Andy had been in a car since Nov. 30 when he was admitted.

The next day, Thursday, I got a call from the administrator at the facility. She and the head nurse wanted to let me know that Andy had been telling them that he wanted to die. I was surprised that he had mentioned that to others and I told them that. I also told them that I had responded to Andy that our lives were in God's hands, and they said that Andy had also told them that.

After the call, I felt like I needed to wait to hear from the Lord. In his grace, he gave me the strength to keep from coming unglued emotionally and to think rationally about the whole situation. After I left work, I decided to go over to the facility and discuss this situation a little more with whoever was available. The Lord provided a chance to talk to the head nurse. I told her I appreciated what the PT and ST were trying to do with Andy but I wasn't sure it was what he needed or if he could come up to what their goals for him were. She agreed with me and said that perhaps going out of the facility brought back too many remembrances of what he had lost. And perhaps seeing pictures of his family (what the ST had suggested I do with him) was another reminder of a life he didn't have any more. Perhaps at this stage of his disease, that was not helpful for him. I agreed with her and was so relieved that it was her idea. My thoughts had also been going in that direction, but I didn't necessarily have the opportunity to express it to any one there. And besides, I'm not a professional, what do I know?

I have been so thankful for the staff at this facility. I feel they are becoming familiar with Andy and his needs. They seem to be learning who he is, are sensitive to what he can and can't do. I'm grateful that they keep me in the loop, and I can talk things over with them any time. They are always available to me. Sometimes, I think I need as much care as Andy does! And it's obvious that they really like him and care about him. This is very comforting to me.

These experiences are good reminders that God directed our steps in admitting Andy. It's tempting to forget this when I see other wives caring for their husbands at home - seemingly endlessly. But I must resist the temptation to compare. Each situation is different and God works in each situation uniquely.

I miss sharing my life and what I'm doing with Andy, though. And sometimes I almost feel guilty that I feel so good in comparison with him and that I still enjoy my life. 

I was able to go to my -0th high school reunion yesterday up in Berks County, PA. The reunion was held in our high school, so we sat in our cafeteria - just like all those years ago.
There were 123 in my graduating class and I thought there was a good showing of us. (I counted 41.)

I was almost surprised that I had such a good time. One of my best friends was there but really it was fun to meet everyone. All the angst we felt as teenagers was gone, and we all hugged each other and had fun reminiscing about such and such a teacher, our class trips, or the senior prank the guys pulled. 

Our school had four wings with a courtyard in the middle. If we knew which class was across the way, we'd sometimes flash the blinds in our window and see if we could get another class to flash back! I was in the AP class, and I think the boys were too smart for their own good. They were not only smart in their studies, they also excelled in mischievousness. 

So our senior prank...I was not involved, only finding out about it after the fact. But one of the boys told the story last night. His parents were working on their yard, and apparently, wanted to get rid of an outhouse leftover from a by-gone era. They gave their son the task of getting rid of it. So he contacted his buddies, and they decided to put it in the school's courtyard. They went the night before graduation, climbed up on the roof of the school, pulled the outhouse up with ropes, then down the other side, placing it exactly in the middle of the courtyard.

And as he finished his story, he said it was the best prank ever - even down to this current year's class. Uh, huh...something to be proud of!

I have not finished reading Randy Alcorn's book, If God is Good, but it has been so good to be reminded of the things he writes in the book.

 A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned about God being the author of our life story. An author who writes a novel makes it interesting by including significant conflict, thwarting of desires, avoiding predictability before a satisfying resolution. 

In a chapter I read this past week, Randy says that our life can also be compared to a symphony. "A composer's work gets praised for its long movements of depth, texture, and contrast, with transitions between major and minor keys. Do we criticize a great composer whose symphony doesn't end in ten minutes or half an hour? Do we complain when he moves from a major key to a minor key and back to a major? No, we celebrate his artistry. When we hear the dark and melancholic sections, we don't conclude he's made a mistake. Once we reach the ending, we recognize the symphony as a far greater work than one that consists of only bright melodies." 

This is a wonderful book to remind us of the purposes of evil and suffering - how God is not the author of it, but he uses it for his glory and our good. I have underlined, starred and circled so many sections in the book. I highly recommend it and will very likely read it again. 

I could go on and on, but will close this week's blog with a list of how Randy says God uses suffering in our lives:

• to purge sin from our lives
• strengthen our commitment to him
• force us to depend on his grace
• bind us together with other believers
• produce discernment
• foster sensitivity
• discipline our minds
• impart wisdom
• stretch our hope
• cause us to know Christ better
• make us long for truth
• lead us to repentance of sin
• teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow
• increase our faith
• strengthen our character 

Then he concludes that section by saying that "once He accomplishes such great things, often we can see that our suffering has been worth it."

Hopefully, we can be at peace with the purpose of our suffering: "to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:10-11.  

Peter tells us that we were called to suffering, "because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:21) And how did Christ suffer? "He entrusted himself to him who judges justly." (1 Peter 2:23) 

God is all wise, loving, kind, merciful and just. He made me, desires my good, and I can trust him with my life and the circumstances of my life.