I wonder which is better: to be busy with family and friends or to stay home and "enjoy" alone time. It doesn't seem to matter because in either scenario, without any warning, I can be on the verge of tears. The thought of spending the rest of my life without Andy is so painful. I wish I could keep from thinking about that...but that's impossible.

I'm trying to keep busy. Last weekend I had Asher over for 2 nights, then took him home on Sunday. It was his birthday on Jan. 31. He turned 11 and it was such a pleasure to have him. He's fun-loving and a good conversationalist. We played 22 games of "greedy" and watched 4 movies, as well as took a very nice long hike at Palmyra Cove Nature Center. It was pretty cold but the sun was shining and we were dressed warm.

I drove Asher back Sunday morning so I went to church with the family, then we celebrated his birthday with a very nice lunch/dinner before I came back home.

And yesterday we celebrated two more birthdays: Cole turned 3 on Feb. 1 and Kasey will be 5 on Feb. 8. Dawn made a Barbie cake that both kids were excited about, yes, even Cole. Probably in another year or so, she'll have to attempt a Super-Hero cake for him.

I'm trying to keep myself centered on Scripture and the love of the Lord for me, His child. I recently subscribed to the Desiring God website, where they send me daily articles. This morning, there was a feature by Vaneetha Risner that ministered to me. The Executive Editor of Desiring God introduced her article with these words:

From psalms and prophecies to epistles, the Bible did not come to people on extended vacations. They were suffering. Life was hard. They were desperate for a word from God.

I’m thankful when God meets me on happy days. But I have found it to be true, time and time again, that the Bible really comes alive when I’m desperate. When I’m hurting. In the worst of times. 

Vaneetha Risner has discovered something similar. “When I opened the Bible [in desperation], I needed God to feed me. . . . The more I had to search, the sweeter the manna tasted, the deeper the words penetrated, and the more precious the truths became.” Perhaps you’ve tasted something similar. Glean from Vaneetha’s story of learning to read the Bible through tears.

Her name sounded familiar to me because I had read a book she had written: The Scars That Have Shaped Me. She writes: "My scars remind me that God is sufficient and that physical perfection is not our goal. A life lived to God's glory is infinitely more valuable...My scars signify healing. And even though my initial flesh wounds have healed, there is yet a deeper healing in acceptance."

She references Michael Card's song, Known by the Scars:

The marks of death that God chose never to erase
The wounds of love's eternal war
When the kingdom comes with its perfected sons
He will be known by the scars.
 Songwriters: Michael Card

Known by the Scars lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Vaneetha reminds us that "God chose not to erase these marks of death -- the wounds of his love for us -- so our Savior will always be known by his scars. Rather than physical imperfections, Jesus's scars are breathtakingly beautiful. They represent his love and our salvation."

I spent a couple of weeks reading The Joy of Fearing God by Jerry Bridges. One of his chapters focused on the "stewardship of pain." This was interesting to think about and I liked his explanation..."If we believe God is sovereignly in control of all circumstances of our lives, then our pain is something He has given to us just as much as our time or talents or treasure. He has entrusted the pain to us as stewards to be used for His glory. How can we be good stewards of the pain God gives us? One way...is to trust Him even though we don't understand the purpose of the pain. Another way is to ask for and experience the sufficiency of His sustaining grace, as Paul did with his thorn in the flesh, to the extent that we can actually rejoice in our weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on us (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). We can then, as God gives opportunity, testify to the sufficiency of His sustaining grace. In doing so, however, we want to seek the glory of His grace, not the glory of our ability to endure."

At first I questioned the phrase that God gives us pain. As I reflected on that, though, the Lord reminded me that when Job was tested, he was not told of the conversation between God and Satan. But he praised God, trusting Him and worshiping Him with these words: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." The God gives a commentary on this statement by adding in the very next verse that "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:21 & 22)

And in the next chapter, after Job's wife counsels him to curse God and die, Job answers her by saying: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" And again, God comments that "in all this, Job did not sin in what he said." (Job 2:10)

People often use suffering as an indictment against God, but in reality, it is our own sin that has cursed our world. Adam and Eve in the Garden chose to disobey, even though God warned them that to do so would result in death. We live with pain and suffering here, but even though it's our, and all of humankind's, fault, He does not leave us in this sorry, pitiful condition."God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

I continue to be amazed at His love for me. I was reading in Isaiah 43 and kept my Bible open all week to this passage so that I could read and ponder it every day.

Isaiah 43:1-5
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God...Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 
and because I love you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Isaiah wrote these words to the Israelites as they were going into captivity, but they apply to us today, as well, because this is the character of God and how He deals with His children.

How good is the God we adore!

I constantly need to learn and re-learn the lesson of waiting on the Lord. He has been gently whispering, reminding me that I am too concerned about feeling the need to know how long this is going to last. I'm in the middle of several things that are just not being resolved very quickly. This has to be ok...There's nothing I can do to hurry things along. Do I really trust God and His sovereignty? 

Then today in pastor's message, he gave an illustration of a man who said he determined that his life's verse should be Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Our waiting is important to God. He says it twice in this one verse. Waiting is an indication that we are trusting in Him to work things out. 

In fact, another verse that I discovered some time ago is Isaiah 64:4 which declares that God "acts on behalf of those who wait for him." My trying to work things out and even my anxiety if I can't make things happen, is really not trusting God. My working actually prevents Him from doing the work. In reality, He can do a much better job since he knows the end from the beginning, and all the little details that I might miss. 

Waiting on the Lord involves patient endurance. This trial has revealed to me that I am not a patient person. I want resolution. But I was convicted this week that I need to stay the course. This might take a long time, maybe years. But God who is faithful, will help me be faithful. God is the God of encouragement and will encourage me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and he will help me to persevere.  A friend shared with me 2 Thessalonians 3:3 & 5 ~ "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one...May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." This is a great comfort to me, because this is just too hard for me to do on my own.

And then I read in 90 Days of God's Goodness a quote by J.C. Ryle, where he says: "There is nothing which shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every cross is a message from God and intended to do us good in the end. Trials are intended to make us think, to wean us from the world, to send us to the Bible, to drive us to our knees."

I can't help but think of all that Jesus endured when he was here on earth, his passion and death on the cross. The gospels record how he didn't open his mouth against his accusers. He didn't resist his captors or retaliate. Peter in 1 Peter 2:21 says that we are called to suffer as Christ suffered. He was our example. He entrusted himself to God who judges justly. And how can we do less? My suffering is miniscule compared to what Christ suffered, but my heart is often consumed with fear, anxiety and complaints.

I had a free morning on Tuesday, so I picked up Kasey and brought her to the house for some girl time. She spends her days with her brother and 3 boy cousins, so Dawn and I have pity on her and are trying to provide at least one day a month for her to have a break from the boys. It was a nice day so we played on the swing set for a little while, then walked back to the pond to see if there was any water in it. There was a little since we had quite a bit of rain recently, enough for a couple of ducks to be splashing about.

Our neighbor has a huge area fenced in for a number of goats, so Kasey and I went over to look at them. They came over to see us, baaing as they came and butting up against the gate. All of a sudden, the gate opened and a goat escaped. I quickly leaned against the gate to prevent the others from getting out. As I tried to figure out what had happened, I realized that the clasp that had held the gate shut was rusted and had fallen to the ground. So now there is no way to close the gate.

Fortunately, I had my phone in my pocket and was able to text the woman who owns the goats about the situation. And again, fortunately, she was home and was able to come save me from the goats. It was a bit comical. In the middle of holding the gate shut against the goats, Kasey told me she was ready to go back to the house. I told her I was ready, too. But I had to persevere and wait for the owner of the goats to rescue me. 

So there are lots of opportunities to practice waiting and allowing others to bring relief to our dilemmas.  

When we got back to the house, we had a little more time for some play. Maybe Kasey will follow her other Grammy and her great grandpa by going into the medical field.
 

 

 

What a sweetie. I thoroughly enjoyed having her with me. There's nothing like a child to help you forget your troubles.

Another day's reading in 90 Days of God's Goodness referred to Joni Eareckson Tada. If anyone knows about suffering, she does. I love everything she writes. She says, "It is when your soul has been blasted bare, when you feel raw and undone, that you can be better bonded to the Savior. And then you not only meet suffering on God's terms, but you meet joy on God's terms. And then God...happily shares his gladness, his joy flooding over heaven's walls filling my heart in a waterfall of delight, which then in turn always streams out to others in a flood of encouragement, and then erupts back to God in an ecstatic fountain of praise. He gets your heart pumping for heaven. He injects his peace, power, and perspective into your spiritual being. He imparts a new way of looking at your hardships. He puts a song in your heart."  

Then at the end of that day's reading, Randy Alcorn prays for God's grace. "We need your grace today, this moment, to know that we are in your hands, that you will get us through. Thank you for your past grace poured out for us on the cross and your future grace that will be poured out to us in your eternal kingdom. Give us present grace, that we may sing your praises now."

It's all grace...every moment! In the here and now, as we wait on Him.

Staff building...bury the hatchet...do those two phrases go together? Hmmm...depends on the staff and what you mean by burying the hatchet.

It was pastor's idea. All the pastors, interns and office staff did a 5th Wednesday special activity together which happened to be at a facility called "Bury the Hatchet." It's really more a guy thing, but I did participate, along with two other women. I confess up front that I did not do very well. In fact, I did pathetically horrible. I could get the hatchet to hit the target, but I didn't have enough strength to get it to stick, so it hit, then fell off. 

I knew from the beginning I had no chance of doing well but it was an interesting activity and the comradery and competitiveness was fun to be part of. In a way, it wasn't really very fair because after all, 1) I'm a lot older than the other participants; 2) I'm female with no testosterone; 3) I'm shorter than everyone else. So those are my excuses and I'm sticking to them.

I was able to spend some time with Kasey on Tuesday. I met a friend for coffee in the morning, then went and picked up Kasey. I brought her back to my house for some girl time. We bonded by playing Candyland and dressing up like princesses.

She allowed me to braid her hair which is fun for me. (A few days later, she still had those braids so I guess it was fun for her, too.)

We have a lot of birthdays this time of year. Asher's is January 31. He turned 10. I went and picked him up on Friday and brought him back to the house. What a delightful boy he is. I had such a good time with him one on one. He loves the game of Greedy, and we played 10 games in the night and day he was with me. We played a few other games just to add a little variety, but we always came back to Greedy. 

It was freezing cold on Saturday but we had to do our traditional birthday hike. We dressed warmly and went over to Long Bridge Park. The outside temperature was 24 degrees. Brrr. There was ice along the shore of the Rancocas Creek, which was fun for Asher to  step on and try to break. Then of course, he had to try using the broken pieces like skipping stones. I don't know how he could stand to hold those ice pieces but they didn't seem to bother him.

After our hike, we stopped in to see Andy. Asher played three pieces on the piano for us to enjoy. Then of course, we had to avail ourselves of the ice cream parlor.

The rest of the day was spent in more games of Greedy! I'm always intrigued at how the kids can occupy themselves. I needed to spend some time in preparing the evening meal when everyone would be joining us. So Asher stayed busy by arranging the tri-omino tiles in various designs to bring about different results.

The rest of the family arrived by 4:00 pm - all the kids, spouses and grandkids. It was wild and crazy. After the meal of baked ziti, two kinds of salads, homemade rolls, and blueberry dessert, we were entertained by Tommy and Dawn, as we tried to determine who had the biggest biceps! Laughter is good medicine, right?

And one more party today...this one for Kasey and Cole at Dawn's house. Cole's birthday was Feb. 1 and Kasey's will be Feb. 8, one week apart, celebrating ages 2 and 4. They got so many presents. It was like Christmas all over again.

I am so grateful for the family God has blessed me with. It makes my heartache bearable.

I'm currently reading 90 Days of God's Goodness by Randy Alcorn. I always appreciate his perspective. 




On Day 18, he referenced the two men walking on the road to Emmaus with Jesus after the resurrection. He compared their situation to our own. "Many of us, without realizing it, have walked the Emmaus road. Sorrow overwhelms us. Questions plague us. We wonder where God is...when all along he walks beside us."

Isn't that the truth? He has promised to never leave us, he is always with us, his Spirit lives within us. So even in our darkest hours, even though we may not feel like he is with us, he still is. This is a great comfort to me. And on another day (page 73), Randy adds that "no matter how bad the present, an eternity with Christ in Heaven will completely overshadow it." Some day when we're in our Savior's presence, we'll be able to say that the things we're going through now are "light and momentary troubles." 

In another day's reading, Randy reminds us that there will be eternal triumph over temporary suffering (day 22). "The Cross is God's answer to the question, 'Why don't you do something about evil?' God did do something...and what he did was so great and unprecedented that it shook the angelic realm's foundation. It ripped in half, from the top down, not only the temple curtain but the fabric of the universe itself...Evil and suffering formed the crucible in which God demonstrated his love to humankind. His love comes to us soaked in divine blood...God does not merely empathize with our sufferings, He actually suffers. Jesus is God ("the exact representation of His being," Hebrews 1:3). What Jesus suffered, God suffered. God allowed and ordained Jesus' temporary suffering so he could prevent our eternal suffering."

This world is not what it was meant to be
All this pain, all this suffering
There's a better place
Waiting for me
In Heaven

Every tear will be wiped away
Every sorrow and sin erased
We'll dance on seas of amazing grace
In Heaven
In Heaven

 I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Home

Lay down my burdens, I lay down my past
I run to Jesus, no turning back
Thank God Almighty, I'll be free at last
In Heaven
In Heaven
I'm goin' home
Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong

Blinded eyes will finally see
The dead will rise on the shores of eternity
The trump will sound, the angels will sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I am goin' home

Where the streets are golden
Every chain is broken
Oh I wanna go
Oh I wanna go
Home
Where every fear is gone
I'm in your open arms
Where I belong
Where I belong

I'm goin' home
I'm goin' home
I'm on my way home
I'm goin' home 
 Writer(s): Chris Tomlin, Jason Ingram, Jonas Myrin, Ed Cash 

"Giving thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

First of all, I'm thankful for Thanksgiving because it is an opportunity to remember how much we have to be thankful for. We all have troubles, trials and difficult things we are dealing with, but even in dark times, we can be thankful. 

I am dealing with Andy's illness which is very difficult for me. Seeing the one I love suffer is almost more than I can bear. I tear up as I type this. So what can I find to be thankful for in this? 

Actually, there is a lot that I can think of, and I'm sure that there is a lot more that I just take for granted, that I'm oblivious to.

When I arrived at Care One Harmony Village (COHV) on Monday night, I saw Andy's doctor in the conference room. I was signing in, but he looked up and saw me, and took a few minutes to talk to me. He told me he had contacted Andy's other doctor and they decided to reduce a couple of Andy's medications. I was grateful for that opportunity to talk to the doctor, as well as his listening to my concerns last week, then following through. 

I wasn't sure when I first scheduled the hike for Tuesday whether it would be good timing because of it being Thanksgiving week. As it turned out, I'm glad I hadn't canceled because the weather was beautiful. It was also good for me to be with others that day. Being with people helps take my mind off my own troubles. Hearing the stories of others who are going through their own struggles is a mutual encouragement.

There were six of us, and we went to Palmyra Cove for our hike. I like that park because we always see deer. And as we drove into the nature center, we had to wait for a huge flock of turkeys to cross the road. This park is right along the Delaware River, but also has a large wooded area with trails winding throughout those woods. We hiked along the perimeter trail until we hit the Cove Trail, took that to the end, then turned around and hiked back to the nature center - my guess is about 5 miles total.

This is a beaver lodge in the middle of the tidal pool. We were there at low tide so the lodge seems pretty exposed, but my guess is that the beavers are still pretty safe because what, after all, is going to risk walking in that sand and mud?

In anticipation that I would be by myself on Thanskgiving Day, I invited myself to go to the Thanksgiving parade in Philadelphia with Dawn and her in-laws. Andy and I had gone a number of years ago when Kira was a baby, but after doing that, we decided it wasn't for us. But I believe the Lord gave me the idea to do it again because it would give me something to do, and I'd be with people I love. We took the high-speed-line over to Philadelphia, then walked several blocks to find a good spot in the sun. It was pretty cold, so sun was important. I was dressed warm and really wasn't cold at all.

After standing to watch the parade for about an hour, someone discovered that those doors directly behind us led to an inside Starbucks. Well, that was the end of watching the parade for me. I went in, had a coffee, and stayed inside until everyone was ready to leave. Pretty wimpy, right???

When I got home, I spent the rest of the day making a batch of rolls and a pumpkin cheesecake dessert. Everything came out of the oven in time for me to make it over to see Andy.

We had our family time on Friday...this has been our family tradition since the girls have been married and have their own families. We order pizza and panzarottis, I make a huge salad, and everybody's happy. After we had our coffee, we all drove over to COHV to see Andy. I really wanted to get an updated family picture with everyone. I didn't have one that included Cole. 

We had to take many pictures, and try several different times, but finally got one that was acceptable. The sun was shining and we were able to be outside, which was our hope since natural lighting is always the best. Andy was cold and wanted to go inside, but he was a good sport and did what we wanted. He was also feeling pretty miserable and really wanted to just lie down. At the same time, he was happy to see everyone and wanted to be there with them.

I am very happy with this picture and have looked at it numerous times. It always makes my heart smile. A friend commented that it was sweet that Andy and I were holding hands. I like holding his hand, but I also have to do it to help guide him to where he needs to go. He would either wander off or stand still in confusion.

We didn't really spend a lot of time with him because he just wasn't up to it. So Christy and her family came back to our house, and they graciously put up my tree and decorated it. I honestly don't think I would have bothered if they hadn't wanted to do it.

I fed them their dinner before sending them on their way. Everyone was tired after the excitement of the day, but I am grateful for the blessing of our family.

Speaking of family, on Saturday, Dawn called me to ask how I was doing. I told her I was emotional, having a hard time keeping back the tears. After all, holidays are difficult when there is a family member missing. And seeing him in his condition on Friday was also hard. She then asked me if I wanted to come over. They were going to take Kasey to get her ears pierced. She had been asking for that, especially after seeing her cousin the day before with earrings. So I jumped at the chance to get out of the house and to be with people I love. I drove with them in their car to the mall where Kasey picked out earrings, then bravely sat while she got her ears pierced. I couldn't believe it but she didn't cry. She looked a little shocked to get the "pinch" but she bravely endured! What a cutie!

In an email I received this week from Grief Share, I couldn't agree more with what was advised:

Dr. Larry Crabb says, “In the field of the soul there are no professional surgeons; there are only caring Christians... People in the church will enable you, through their love, to move forward on your journey. They may not know the exact words to say, and their timing will not always be right, but be assured that they love you because they love the Lord." 

This is exactly what happens on Sunday mornings when I go to church, or any time during the week when I am with someone from church. They care enough to ask me how I'm doing, how Andy's doing, then empathize with me as I tell them what I'm going through. They are not threatened by my tears and they promise to pray for me.

On top of the trauma of dealing with Andy's illness and watching him suffer is some news I received about our financial situation. There are a lot of questions that will need to be worked through - this seems overwhelming to me. I need to start applying for Medicaid assistance. Fortunately, I have a good elder care lawyer who is willing to make the application for me, but there will still be lots of paperwork for me to provide and sign and prove, etc. 

But again...in everything give thanks. God has promised that "He will provide for all our needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

I can't see the future or try to figure out how this is all going to work out, but some day, I'll look back and be amazed at what God did. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.


"Cast My Cares"

When fear feels bigger than my faith
And struggles steal my breath away
When my back's pressed up against the wall
With the weight of my worries stacked up tall
You're strong enough to hold it all

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul

This war's not what I would have chosen
But You see the future no one knows yet
And You're still good when I can't
See the working of Your hands
You're holding it all

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul

I'm finding there's freedom,
When I lay it all on Your shoulders

Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You
Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You
Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul
 Publishing: © 2014 Universal Music - Brentwood Benson Publishing (ASCAP) / Songs Of Emack (ASCAP)

As much fun as it is to have all the grandkids together - all in one place, it's hard to spend any one-on-one time with them since they're more interested in playing with each other. That's good because it's happy to see them enjoying their cousins. But years ago, when the kids began coming fast and furiously, we decided to start the tradition of having each child over to spend the night and the next day on their birthdays. This has been a lot of fun over the years but because of Andy's illness and all the care he required from me, we had to suspend that tradition all last year.

Now that Andy's being cared for by Care One Harmony Village, I decided if the kids wanted to, I'd like to have them over again this year. I wasn't sure how the boys would feel about that since their Poppop wouldn't be here. After all, he was a lot of fun and would ride the bikes with the boys, set up a target and shoot the bb gun or the bows and arrows. Would the boys be happy spending the time with me??? 

I floated the idea and question to Christy, and there was no hesitation from Asher. His birthday is the first in the year, and he was so excited about the prospect of coming over to Grammy's house. He made up his list of what he wanted to do while here with me.

I'm glad he included "go to sleep" on the list! We had a wonderful time together, watching a movie, playing games, eating ice cream (this was an extra not on the list)

and taking a hike.

After lunch we went over to visit with Andy. Asher played a few pieces on the piano for him and the other residents who happened to be out in the lobby.
 

We had a wonderful time. Asher said it "was the best birthday ever!" And it was a marvelous break from the routine of my life - a definite bright spot.

Asher had requested strawberry pie for his dessert, rather than a cake. I offered to make it but wasn't too happy with the way it turned out the previous time I had made it. Then a couple days before, I saw an idea that I thought might work better, making a shortbread crust instead of a regular pie crust. That actually worked out really well for a couple of reasons. One pie for all of us just isn't enough unless you cut the slices really small and thr shortbread crust was enough for a 9x13 pan. Another is that a shortbread crust would taste better (butter and sugar - yum!). It was a hit! Strawberries any time are a treat, but especially in January!

And make sure you slather lots of whipped cream on top!

  
Making a wish and blowing out the candles.
 

I was very thankful for the lovely beginning to the week. 

Andy was admitted to the memory care facility as a 30 day respite patient. After the first 30 days, he rolled over into another 30 days while I tried to nail down my finances and how I was going to pay for his care. By Wednesday, I was ready to submit the application. When I did so, I was given a sheet with what I owed. I was a little unprepared for the shock of one-time, first month fees. So early Thursday morning, I had to call my financial agent to let him know I needed more money and how much. After work, he gave me a call to inform me I needed to sign some documents, then fax them to NWM for them to release the money I needed. I also needed to go to my bank to move some money around to keep my checks to Care One from bouncing until NWM got the money into my accounts. 

All this was on my mind...yes, I was very distracted. So as I got in my car to take care of these details, I forgot to open the garage door before I backed out. Ugh! Now I'm stuck and can't go anywhere. Fortunately, Andy's brother was here at the house with his mom and dad. I had to eat humble pie and ask Dan and his dad to see if they could open the garage door so I could get out. They worked on the door for about an hour to disassemble it before they were able to get it open. It was very bent and out of whack. 

Another fortunate detail is that I know someone from church who repairs garage doors. This is thanks to Andy who knew lots of people and their abilities and expertise. So I called him to tell him what I did and could he help. He said that would be easy to fix and he would come over to assess what needed to be done. After he was here, he said it wasn't as easy as what he thought and would require a little more - but it could be fixed. He is working on it right now and it's looking good!

It's hard to know how to answer people when they ask how Andy's doing. It's very meaningful to me that people ask - it's an indication that they care. The difficulty in answering, though, is that sometimes he's doing pretty well and other times, pretty bad. One day last week, he didn't feel well at all. He had diarrhea and severe tremors in his hand. Because of the tremors, he wasn't going to eat, so I fed him. 

The next night I visited, he was fixated on needing to call JH, with whom he had worked 20 years ago. He was determined he needed to talk to him about a project they were working on and was upset that someone was stealing from the job. I tried to distract him and tell him I would call JH later. But he was insistent that he needed to talk to him now. I finally got firm and said, "Andy, I'm not going to call JH." Then he was fine and dropped the subject. He was obviously anxious about this, though, and it was weighing on him because he had a hard time concentrating on my reading to him the rest of the evening. 

Another night, he told me with tears in his eyes, "I just want to go and be with Jesus." I agreed with him that that would be wonderful, then I played him a song I had recently purchased on itunes:

Soon
 Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness and crowned with love
When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I’ll be going
To the place He has prepared for me
There my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders 'round the throne
At His feet I’ll lay my crowns My worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon
   2010 Hillsong Church T A Hillsong Music Australia  

I have been playing this song to myself once or twice (sometimes more) every day and it has really ministered to me to think of being with Jesus soon - the One I love. I'm so glad I was able to play it for Andy.

This month is our biggest month for birthdays. Asher's was Jan. 31 (almost Feb.), then Cole's is Feb. 1, Dawn's is Feb. 3, Kasey's is Feb. 8, Christy's is Feb. 11 and mine is Feb. 13. So of course, we had to celebrate. Everyone was able to come down yesterday for a meal together. We served two kinds of soups, homemade rolls, with carrot cake and ice cream. The kids had a lovely time playing together and the adults enjoyed conversation around the table. It was a great ending to a long day for me. 

My Saturdays tend to be pretty long. I get a lot done, but then it's done and I'm not sure what to do the rest of the day. After a while, I'm tired of reading, one or two games of Scrabble is enough, laundry is done...what else is there? So having a house full of kids and family is a perfect distraction. I no longer feel alone or lonely, and my house is far from quiet!

 

The Birthday People

I've been reading to Andy every night when I visit him. I started reading through the Psalms. I don't think he always understands what I'm reading. Sometimes he seems to, but other times he interrupts me with whatever he's "working" on. But I'm hoping that there are bits that sometimes sink in and register with him and bring him comfort. If not him, at the least, I'm gaining some comfort myself.

Tonight I was reading Psalm 46. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." (verses 1-3)

In Pastor's sermon this morning, he mentioned that the most often repeated command in Scripture is, "Don't be afraid," or "fear not." I remember him saying this in previous sermons, and it's a good reminder. God doesn't just give us this command and leave it at that, but he follows it up with, "for I am with you." 

And later in Psalm 46, the psalmist tells us to "Be still and know that I am God..." (verse 10) and in verse 11: "The Lord Almighty is with us." The great God who created the universe, then stooped down to shower us with his love and grace in the person of Jesus, His Son - that God is with me, guiding, directing, going with me every step of the way.