Green, Lovely Green

The grass is looking lush and green and the trees, depending on the variety, are different shades of green: chartreuse, lime, seafoam, mint, fern, pickle, moss, pear, basil...well, you get the idea. Then there are other trees that are budding red, maroon, gold. It's quite beautiful as you drive down the highway with a backdrop of blue sky. 

We went over to Smithville Park on Friday afternoon and took a mile and a half hike through the woods and along the bridge over the lake. Oh, how I love this time of year.

I've been motivated to do some concocting in the kitchen. I had made a Girl Scout Cookie Pie a couple of weeks ago and had some left over sweetened condensed milk. The recipe called for only 3/4 cup of it so that didn't use the whole can. Since I had some left over, I had to make the pie again. Plus, now I had some experience. The first time the pie spilled over into the oven and made a royal mess. But self cleaning ovens are a modern miracle and in no time the mess was burned away. It was like magic with practically no effort on my part except for pushing the button for CLEAN. 

I am almost ashamed to admit that Andy and I ate the whole pie ourselves - small pieces every evening after dinner. Thank goodness, it's finally gone! It was very rich and sweet. Well, my excuse for being so indulgent is that it isn't a habit of ours to gratify our sweet teeth. Every once in a while is ok, right?

I made another new recipe that I found last week. Tuscan Chicken Pasta.

It not only was colorful, adding to visual delight, it also tasted awesome!

Tuscan Chicken Pasta

 

Ingredients

    12 oz. spaghetti or angel hair

    1 tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil

    1 lb. boneless skinless chicken breasts

    kosher salt

    Freshly ground black pepper

    6 slices bacon

    2 cloves garlic

    2 c. diced tomatoes (canned or fresh)

    3 c. baby spinach

    1/2 c. heavy cream

    1/3 c. grated Parmesan

    Basil, for garnish

Directions

1.     In a large pot of salted boiling water, cook spaghetti or angel hair according to package directions until al dente. Drain and reserve 1 cup pasta water.

2.     Meanwhile, in a large skillet over medium-high heat, heat oil. Season chicken with salt and pepper and cook until cooked through, 4 minutes per side. Transfer to a cutting board and slice into strips.

3.     In a second skillet, cook bacon until crispy. Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate and drain, then chop.

4.     Pour off half the bacon fat and to skillet add garlic, tomatoes, and spinach and season with salt and pepper. Add heavy cream, Parmesan, and 1/2 cup pasta water and let simmer, then add spaghetti or angel hair and toss until fully coated.

5.     Add chicken and bacon and toss, then garnish with basil and serve.

Yesterday, I worked nearly all afternoon making a Carrot Cheesecake to take along today. After church we drove over to PA to celebrate Aiden's birthday. He actually turned 13 last Sunday, but the family had other plans last week so we celebrated with them today.

This cake is so good, combining 2 of our favorite cakes: carrot cake and cheese cake. It's somewhat labor intensive and dirties a lot of dishes and utensils, but it's so worth it in the end.

 I didn't take this picture, but this is exactly what it looked like.

I will be happy to share the recipe with anyone who is interested, but it's too long to include here.

 We had a lovely afternoon with Christy and her family. 

All 13 candles blown out in one huff/puff.

The weather was perfect for sitting outside in the sun after lunch, just chatting and enjoying each other.

I'm continuing my reading in The Rest of the Gospel by Dan Stone and David Gregory. There has been a lot for me to chew on, that's helped me to understand some of what God might be doing in my life. In chapter 10, he talks about God's precious assets, meaning us. He says that "this life won't work until [we] get [ourselves] out of the way. You get yourself out of the way simply by believing this: You are not a liability to God. You are His precious asset."

He goes on to explain that "having been raised with Christ, you can no longer be anything to God but an asset. He has accepted you. He is pleased with you. He uses you, lives through you, speaks through you, loves through you."

This made me remember a verse from 2 Corinthians that I had memorized a number of years ago: "We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us."

The authors used this verse to show that we are vessels (jars of clay) - containers of the life of God. "We are not the contents of the vessel - God is! We cannot produce his life - only express it."

I admit that when the Lord first introduced this concept to me, I was resistant to it. I didn't want to suffer to be an example to others. Actually, I didn't want to suffer for any reason! But he has changed my heart since then. There have been people who have told me how grateful they are to see God's grace at work in my life. What an example I am of God's all sufficiency. Wow! That is so humbling and at the same time, encouraging. Perhaps this is all not in vain. If people are seeing God at work, that his grace is sufficient, that he does give strength, peace and even joy in the midst of deep darkness, then it is worth it. That's what our life's goal should be, isn't it? - That whatever we go through would be for our good and God's glory.


Andy seems almost normal at times, but very confused at other times. One evening this week, he started walking through the house, then asked me to draw him a floor plan so he could figure out where he was supposed to go. I'm not good at drawing (that was always his specialty), so I walked with him from room to room, explaining which room it was and where he should go. He seemed fine with that.

We had a very good day on Tuesday, meeting Dawn and her kids at the park, playing on the swings and slides with them. He seemed like PopPop playing with his grandkids. And today, at Christy's house, he also seemed like the old Andy. But he's different when he's with just me and we're home. I haven't figured out what makes the difference. Why would he seem fine when he's out? He knows who people are, calling them by their names, even recalling certain details about them. But at our house, he feels so discombobulated and confused. He doesn't know who I am, doesn't know where he's supposed to go to sleep, etc. This evening after we got home, he asked me if I was going to stay for a while. I told him I was. 

 

Well, as Dorothy Sayers says in The Nine Tailors, "What can't be cured must be endured." Some writers are so clever with their words. It makes reading their works such a delight. One of the traditions Andy and I have developed over the years is my reading to him before we go to sleep. We have gone through many, many books from fiction, biography, fantasy, and now this one, which is a mystery detective novel. I had read it to myself some years ago, but he was looking through our books on the bookshelves and picked it out for me to read to him. It's a pretty complicated story line, but he likes to hear me read to him. I don't think it much matters to him what I read, as long as I read. He always did like the sound of my voice! And I get such pleasure in reading to him. It makes him happy, and it makes me happy to make him happy!





We have some things to look forward to this coming week but I need to leave that for next week's blog. 

Meanwhile, I'm loving spring and the color green.

Confusion Abounds

I hardly know what to write. Andy has been so confused all week. I try to explain or get him to explain what he means, but it doesn't seem to help. He thinks I'm someone else...He wants to pay me for everything I'm doing, even going so far as to take $20 out of his wallet to give me...He opens the basement door to hang up his jacket...He looks in the kitchen for his toothbrush, then tells me he doesn't know where it is...He can't follow simple directions, and I do mean SIMPLE!

This afternoon he told me he wanted to go home. I told him he was home, but he didn't understand. I kept trying to convince him until he finally broke down and started crying. I feel so sorry for him. Then he said I was so busy entertaining so many other people, he felt bad that I was so busy. Huh??? Nearly everything he says just doesn't make sense. But I try to understand and help him figure out what he wants to say.

I admit I'm pretty wrung out this afternoon. My heart hurts for him, for us. I think his conversations are ways he's trying to stay connected to me, but it's painful because what he says is so irrational, disjointed and sometimes even jibberish.

About the best thing for us to do is to get in the great outdoors. It helps to get the exercise and enjoy nature. We went out on Wednesday afternoon as well as yesterday (Saturday) afternoon. Both times we went to the Black Run Preserve, not too far away, and both days were gloriously beautiful.

After church today, Dawn and Tommy came over so that Tommy could clean our gutters. The girls had fun coloring and watching a movie while here.

I read another article about the health benefits of hiking out in nature. All the research points to how beneficial hiking is. And although I agree and make a concerted effort to do so, I am not convinced that it's helping Andy. But he does enjoy it and I confess it is so much more profitable to be up and out than to sit in the house feeling sorry for myself. 

Just now, Andy called me on the phone. When I answered, he said he wanted to let me know where he was. When I asked him where he was, he said he wanted to go home. I walked around to the bedroom and there he was! I told him to hang up the phone and he said he needed to tell his mom where he was, she would be wondering. I told him she was ok and wasn't worrying about him. So I think he thought he was calling his mom and that I was his mom. This is what I mean by him being confused.

I'm well into the book, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory. The authors say there is a difference between our soul and spirit which made sense to me in the way they explained it. They described the soul as where our feelings and thoughts come from. The soul is turbulent, with up and down moods. But our spirit, if we're born again, is in union with God's Spirit, which does not fluctuate. That was helpful for me. It can be very frustrating to be so up and down depending on the circumstances. But our relationship with God does not and cannot change. He is constant, always loving, always for us, always, always, always. 

He is not indifferent to our pain.  In 2 Kings 20: 5, God tells Hezekiah: "I have heard your prayer and seen your tears..." Oh, how I need to be reminded of the truths he has revealed in his Word. Yes, my soul is up and down emotionally, but I can still experience the peace of God in my spirit. "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10. And "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15. Jesus told his disciples he was giving them peace...what a gift that is and how I need that gift.
 

 

A Time for Everything

Earlier this week, I was struck by J.I. Packer's November 25 devotional in Your Father Loves You. He said Jesus' first words to his disciples after his resurrection were not condemning. Think about that! He had a lot he could have said to them about their behavior toward him during his arrest, trial and crucifixion. Isn't it tempting when we are betrayed to wag the finger in the face of the guilty and scold and harangue? But Jesus didn't do that. Instead he spoke words of mercy and love: "Peace to you!" 

He is always kind to his children, even when we mess up and feel unworthy of his love. I love Romans 2:4 where we are told that "God's kindness leads you toward repentance." Even in his dealings with Israel and their constant idolatry and waywardness, God tells them through Hosea: "I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them." (Hosea 11:4)

How I need to be reminded of God's faithfulness and love, his unconditional acceptance of me because I'm clothed in Jesus' righteousness. He does not condemn - "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)

I was telling someone how hard it is to not know the ending. When you're pregnant, for instance, you know that at the end of 9 months, you'll have your baby. Or when you're engaged, you'll see the end of being single when you finally reach your wedding date. But in my current situation, I have no idea how it's all going to play out. How bad will the illness get? How long will this go on? Will I be able to handle things financially, emotionally, physically, etc.?

And the answer is, NO. I will not be able to handle anything then any better than I can right now. Because the truth is that the Lord is giving me the strength and ability to do whatever I need to do whenever I need to do it. 

On Tuesday, Andy had a doctor appointment with the neuropsychologist. The doctor assured us that Andy's symptoms were still mild. And I had to give thanks to God for that. Yes, there may be unsettling details in the day to day, but he still is functioning well. 

We didn't get out at all last week because of the doctor's appointment on Tuesday and the bad weather the rest of the week. And truth be told, I just ran out of time and couldn't fit in a hike.

Amy and Ricky brought their kids down on Saturday while they went to a Flyers game in Philadelphia. It actually snowed all day - on April 9! So the kids couldn't go outside to play but were stuck indoors the whole time. We watched a lot of movies

and the girls played with the dress-up clothes, granting our every wish.

 
Most of the time, Andy sat around with them, but he did have a moment or two of play and rowdiness!

Sunday's sermon was hard for me. It was on saving yourself for marriage - which I didn't have a problem with. What got me going was when the pastor said that marriage is more than just physical, but involves emotional and spiritual oneness as well. That reminded me of how much was missing for me right now. In some ways, I feel like a widow, taking care of a grown up child. I am on high alert all the time, following him around, if not physically, at least in my mind. I know where he is at all times and what he's doing!

Yesterday at one point, he came out of the bedroom with 2 shirts on. They were both button down collar shirts. I asked him why he had 2 shirts on and he answered that he was cold. Well, that made sense but I asked him why he didn't just put a fleece on. I should just stop asking him questions like that, though, because he can't answer them.

One day last week, he asked me if I was married. I told him yes, then asked him if he was. He said, no. Another time, he looked at my wedding ring and asked if I was married. I told him yes, then asked him again, if he was. That time he answered yes. So I pursued and asked who he was married to. He said, Phyllis. I don't know if he knew that I was Phyllis.

Sunday was such a beautiful day. It was still chilly, but the sun was brilliant. I decided I had to get out in nature even though I wasn't doing very well emotionally. It's better to be out than sitting at home moping...right? We went over to Palmyra Cove and walked about two miles.

hints of green against the blue

someone else was enjoying the sunshine

Well, as the preacher says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4: "There's a time for everything...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." I may be in the pits today, but I can only go up from there. Besides, Jesus is still with me, yes, even in the pits. I have always loved Bessie ten Boom's statement to her sister while in the German prison camp: "There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still." I sense his constant presence and I love him for that. He is always good.