Andy has been going to The Tender 5 days a week for the whole month of July. What a blessing this has been. He is enjoying his time there and I am enjoying the break of not worrying about him while he's there. Win-win!

The CEO of The Tender had advised me to get Andy to some specialized testing at the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging.  I made an appointment and took him on Wednesday afternoon. Andy spent about two hours with Dr. Libon, a doctor/professor who teaches at Rowan University. He is a doctor of geriatrics and teaches at the university. After Andy, Dr. Libon then spent another 30-40 minutes with me. It was a long afternoon. The doctor was very compassionate. I felt he really cared about us. He actually asked me how I was doing, then of course, I teared up. But he handed me a tissue and said he was sorry. He had also had family members with the same illnesses. 

After we were finished, he wanted us to set up an appointment with a geriatrics psychiatrist and a social worker. Both of those appointments will be in early September. After those two appointments, the three of them will write up a report and let us know the results. The meeting with the social worker will mostly be for my benefit - to share possibilities that are available for me.

I have been reading through Be Still My Soul by Nancy Guthrie again. It's a compilation of short chapters by different authors on the subject of suffering and trials. This week I read, Dying Well, by D.A. Carson. He based his writing on Psalm 90 about the shortness of man's life...how our life is just 70 or 80 years, if we have the strength. He said that our current western culture is shocked when someone dies. It's hard to believe or accept. But why should it be? Everyone dies. No one is an exception. 

He said that even when Christians get sick, people plead with God for their healing. Oh, it's not wrong to pray for healing because God is the Great Physician. But he suggests that perhaps a better way to pray for people who are ill would be: "Heavenly Father, we would love it if you would heal --. But if it is not your will to heal him, teach him to die well. Give him a joy of the Lord. Give him a heritage of godly faith, with one foot firmly planted in heaven, so that his wife and children will be stamped by it, and will look to Christ. We don't ask that he have an easy time, but ask that he be so full of grace, people will see Christ in him."

This really is our desire. When Andy was first diagnosed, his brother took him out to dinner and in the course of the conversation, Dan asked Andy what impact he thought this would have on his family. And Andy answered: "I taught them how to live, now I want to show them how to die."

Carson says "we are all under the sentence of death; we are all terminal cases. But the good news is that "when we pass through death, death dies! And the more a Christian lives in the consciousness of God's presence here, the easier it is to anticipate the unqualified delight that will be experienced in God's presence there. I'm so grateful that this life is not all there is. It's just a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes. But our life in heaven with our Lord and Savior is eternal, never ending.

Even in the darkness of the shadow of death, we have moments of beauty. We really are surrounded with the beauty of God's creation and people we love.

Yesterday in the cool of the day, I walked outside to check on my gardens. The roses of sharon are in full bloom. There was a butterfly enjoying them, too, but he was unwilling to pose for me. He was too busy flitting or burying himself in the flowers.
 

We took another trip to PA today, this time to visit with Christy and her family. I made a key lime cheesecake yesterday and took that along for our dessert. We had lunch together, then played a game with the whole family except for Andy and Claire and Aiden. And before we left, the children willingly honored my request to have a picture taken with all of them with Andy and me.

 

Well, the only way we were able to get some good pictures was to promise they could make funny faces at the end. So here is the proof that we kept our promise!

Cleaning Out

Every evening after our dinner, when I'm feeling cold from being in air conditioning all day, I make my way out to check on my gardens and make sure the flowers aren't thirsty.

Sometimes Andy goes out to "help" me but if he does, that's usually an exercise in patience for me. But even in the sadness of his condition, there is a beautiful butterfly on those colorful flowers. This makes my heart smile and praise God for his beauty and goodness.

Last night, though, I was about to go out to do my watering, when I thought I heard thunder. Sure enough, very soon, a storm came through. It rained buckets for quite a length of time. I thought I would try to get pictures of rain with my iphone. They turned out pretty good, don't you think?

Dawn has been encouraging me to do some house purging. So yesterday I spent a couple of hours cleaning out and organizing. I started on my desk drawers. In one of the drawers, I came across all the journals I had written in over the years, with the oldest dating back to when Andy and I were in seminary. It was tempting to read through them, but I was on a mission and ended up packing them away in a safe place - for future generations to read (or throw away - ha). 

The oldest journal was a notebook I wrote in while Andy and I were in seminary in the '70's. On one of the first pages were some notes I must have taken in a class I had attended. There was a note that we all need an EMT - Encourager by Ministering Truth. I love that and I immediately gave thanks for my own personal EMT - a friend who always encourages me by reminding me of what is true. I can feel inadequate and ineffective, but spending time in her presence with her speaking truth to me about the hope we have in the Lord, the great love God has for his children, yes, even me, always lifts me up and helps me refocus.


Cleaning out, purging, getting rid of junk and collected stuff is a good thing. On the one hand, it's easier to just stash things on the shelves in the basement because then at least I don't have to think about what to do with them. You know...out of sight, out of mind. 

But on the other hand, it's so satisfying to think about and determine what is really important and attempt to live simpler. I've often told myself that, in the end, everything is going to burn. So don't put took much importance on anything that can burn or be destroyed. It's also a good idea to hold onto things loosely. Don't put too much stock in them because when they wear out or become damaged, it hurts less. What's most important is our relationships, with our God and Savior and our family and friends. 

This is a good reminder as I throw things away and clean out drawers and cupboards. Well, I accomplished a tiny start to my cleaning out: just my desk, the corner cupboard in the kitchen and another cabinet. I still have Andy's work space, our shed and the whole basement. Ugh!

Andy has been going to the Alzheimer's respite day care every day now for 3 weeks. What a life saver that has been. Andy is enjoying it and so am I. He actually seems more "with it" and engaged. I was starting to think that he doesn't seem as confused as before he started going, but then I remember that the other day, he was opening drawers and obviously looking for something. When I checked on him, his face was all lathered up with shaving cream, and he couldn't find his razor. When I asked him what he was looking for, he couldn't tell me, just mumbled something, so I asked if he needed his razor, and yes, that was it. 

Then again this afternoon, he looked at me and asked where Phyllis was. I told him I was Phyllis, then he said, he thought he would gather up his things and go home. I told him he was home, but I'm not really sure he believed me. 

So realistically, he is not improving. And I don't know why I would think he was. This week he is scheduled for a comprehensive appointment at the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging, which is associated with Rowan University. It's supposed to be a 3 hour test/interview with Andy and myself. The CEO at the Respite Care facility suggested that we might get more answers from them. She said the regular doctor who sees him spends 15 minutes with him every six months and doesn't get a true picture of his condition. Every time we're in his office, he says Andy's symptoms are still mild. And maybe they are, but then again, maybe they aren't. I'm hoping to get a bit more realistic picture of what we're dealing with. 

I've been enjoying a new song my personal EMT shared with me: Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer by Keith & Kristyn Getty

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labor thro' the storm
You have called me to this passage
And I'll follow tho' I'm worn

Chorus
May this journey be a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
And at the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus guide me thro' the tempest
Keep my spirit staid and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more

Chorus

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go
And at the end of this long passage
Let me leave them at Your throne

So this is my prayer these days: may this journey be a blessing, may I rise on wings of faith; and at the end of my heart's testing, with Your likeness, let me wake.

A Bit of Old with the New

Unfortunately, sometimes an old song can become familiar and the words aren't as meaningful. When we've heard it all our lives, we can sing it woodenly without thinking too much about it. That's why I like an old song with a new arrangement and some new words. It helps grab our attention and speaks anew and afresh to the soul.

Last Sunday we sang It is Well (with my soul). When I got to work on Monday, I had an email from someone who wanted to know the name of the song that was sung...and he gave some details so I could figure out which one he meant. I looked it up and watched the youtube version.

It really spoke to me and echoed my own feelings, so I showed it to Andy and we watched it together. When I turned around to look at him after the song was finished, he was crying. It is that meaningful!

It is Well (With My Soul).

Verse 1
Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus
And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Verse 2
Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Chorus
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
It is well

Bridge x3
So let go, my soul, and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name (repeat last line during 3rd run)

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul x3

Chorus x2 (softly slowly)
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well with me.

 

I want this to be the prayer of my heart and my firm resolve: through it all, my eyes are on the Lord and it is well with my soul. Hallelujah.

After church last Sunday, the day stretched before us and I got to thinking it would be nice to be able to go somewhere. More thinking led to wishing I could see our girls and their families a little more often. So I texted both Amy and Christy, our PA families to ask if they had any Sunday afternoons free and could we come visit. We were able to work it out and get two dates on the calendar. 

Amy's the first one. We left after church this morning and drove to Lancaster County. Amy fixed us a lunch of lasagna and salad with rolls. Yummy. We watched the kids swim for a while in their pool before deciding to head on over to a nearby pond for the guys to do some fishing. It was a really nice afternoon as long as we stayed in the shade. 

It was such a pleasure watching the kids occupy themselves and have fun fishing, playing in the water, coloring on the blanket and just being together with this dear family.

It was such a peaceful, idyllic setting, it was impossible not to feel relaxed and at peace. Can you tell we're in Lancaster County???

And we even saw a teeny baby bunny just sitting in the grass.

It was a lovely day - a beautiful gift.

Yes, indeed...it is well with my soul. Through it all, the good and the bad, I can trust in Him, it is well with my soul.

4th of July & Lord of the Rings

It was a different kind of week with the holiday on Monday. I worked a little on Sunday afternoon since I wouldn't be in the office until Wednesday and the work doesn't go away. It's always there waiting for me. 

On the 4th of July, Andy and I drove up to Berks County for the Yoder family picnic - an annual event. This year, my sister and her son did all the cooking and food prep - and wow! My nephew, Keith, is a professional chef and caters many huge events, sometimes feeding several thousand people at a time. He buys the food, hires the workers and prepares the meals. He just finished at a golf tournament in Pennsylvania a week or so ago.

He recently bought his own trailer fully equipped kitchen, then offered to cater our picnic this year. Wow and wow! Wouldn't that be nice if he did this every year. I doubt anyone would complain. The food was outstanding.
 
 
  


 

 

  



























My sister kept saying she was in her happy place. She loves cooking and baking so we were happy to let her be there. We're all hoping this is a new tradition.

Andy did well while we were there, interacting with people and having a good time. The next day he said he had met some really nice people, then couldn't finish his thought. I asked him if he meant when we were at the picnic, and he said, "yes, they were so nice." I told him, "Thanks, they were my relatives." Then we had a good laugh (although I'm not sure he got it!).

I was talking to one of my daughters today who said that everyone thought Andy was doing well, he seemed like he knew who everyone was, etc. But she told them, he is a good faker. So true. He tries really hard when we're with other people. Of course, he is a people person, always very interested in them. He often calls people by their name which, I think is another surprise. But if anyone would engage him in a long conversation, I think they'd soon see what I deal with. And later, if I question him about the conversation he had with someone, he has no clue what I'm talking about.

Sometimes I question his diagnosis, as well, but as soon as I do, he'll ask me how long I'm staying, or how many children I have, etc.  

On Tuesday, we had an appointment with an attorney to sign an advanced medical directive. When I made the appointment, the lawyer said Andy needed to be able to sign his own name. I told her he could, although it would be very illegible because of his tremors. She said that would be ok. He also needed to be able to name his children since they would be in the document. When I told him that, he couldn't do it. He named one, then wanted to include one of our sons-in-law. So I made him practice over the weekend until our appointment. He got it right, although, she didn't ask him to say their names. She showed him the document with the three girls listed and asked him if those were his daughters. He looked at the paper for a while but finally agreed that they were. Whew!

Four days this week, Andy went to The Tender - the Alzheimer's respite care center. What a godsend this is. He wasn't sure about it at first, but finally admitted to me on Friday that he really likes going there, the people are really good people. I can't tell you what a relief this is for me. To know that he is being watched, taken care of, having interaction with others, doing activities that are fun and interesting - as well as being a break for me. Thank you, Lord. And this is all free! The center receives grants (I'm not sure from where - maybe from Alzheimer's.org). They ask people to help donate water, snacks - and I gladly bought a whole shopping bag full of goodies to take to them tomorrow.

It got pretty hot and humid this week so I stayed indoors as much as I could. By dinner time, though, I was pretty tired of being in air conditioning all day, so it was a good time to go out to water some of my new plants and make sure that everything was doing all right.

My coneflowers are beginning to bloom, lots of buds.

Today turned out to be really pleasant so after church, we took a little drive over to a local park and walked along Strawbridge Lake in Moorestown. It's a suburban park but the road by the lake is one way and doesn't get much traffic. We meandered along enjoying the day and the lake on one side and the lovely houses on the other side.

Andy was watching Lord of the Rings today while I was on the computer in the same room with him. It is such a good story. There are certain lines in the film that are very meaningful and remind me of biblical truth.

Gandalf is teaching Frodo about Gollum and his role in the ring saga. Frodo wonders why Gandalf has allowed Gollum to live after all the horrible deeds he has committed. Frodo says Gollum deserves death. Then Gandalf says:

"Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends. I have not much hope that Gollum can be cured before he dies, but there is a chance of it. And he is bound up with the fate of the Ring. My heart tells me that he has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before the end..." 

I compare this statement with my situation and the role Alzheimer's will play in our lives. I do wish that Alzheimer's would die...I wish it had never happened to my dear hubbie. But who knows what role it will play yet in our own lives. I do know these things already: it has thrown me into the arms of Jesus, it has shown me my own inadequacy in dealing with life at this point, it has shown me how much I need Jesus to take care of us, it has shown me in so many ways how much God loves me and is providing for our every need.

Another quote I really like from the Lord of the Rings trilogy is when the Lady Galadriel gave Frodo a small crystal phial. She told him: "In this phial is caught the light of Earendil's star, set amid the waters of my fountain. It will shine still brighter when night is about you. May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out."
 
Of course, my light in dark places is the precious Word of God. How it speaks to my heart and gives hope and light in my darkest nights.

Psalm 119:105 - "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."

Jesus is both the Word and the Light. 

John 1:1,2 4-5 - "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."

Pain, Gardening & Squirrels

Sometimes it's hard to deal with the reality of life. I mean, life is hard! Andy is so confused. I feel bad for him, even though it doesn't seem to bother him. On Monday, he started his first day at the Alzheimer's respite care center. It had been arranged that he would start out by going two days this week so that he could become accustomed to the newness of it. But he apparently did so well, that I got a call on Wednesday from the CEO who said he could start attending five days a week. I actually was wishing he could have gone on Wednesday, but by the time she called, it was too late to take advantage that day. But he went on both Thursday and Friday. I had a chance to observe him on Friday because I went in with him to attend a support group for care givers that met in a different room from the people with dementia. He didn't just sit down and observe or check out, but walked around to get more chairs out to accommodate people who were coming in. He still desires to be helpful and kind.

The other day he told me I was doing a good job. He said he gave me an A+. All the other girls would get an A, but I get an A+. (I don't know what other girls he meant!)

One of the things I am learning is that people with Alzheimer's are unpredictable. You just never know what they're going to do next. I was told we should hide their medications and take all their money away except for what you don't care about. Some people flush money or jewelry down the toilet. I'm sure there are all kinds of stories that could be told, some of which are funny, but others can be very frustrating. Of course, none of it can be held against them since they no longer have the capacity to think clearly.

Speaking of medications and money...
One day this week, Andy came to me holding his weekly pill container. Fortunately, he showed it to me and asked me what he was supposed to take. I told him he wasn't supposed to take anything unless I gave it to him. Then when he wasn't looking, I hid the container. 

On Monday morning, before I took Andy to his day care, he was in the office with me. I had to use the ladies' room, but when I returned to the office, he was talking to a man who had just walked in. I took over the conversation to find out what the man wanted. He showed me a restraining order paper and told me he wasn't allowed to return home. He wanted to stay in a motel in a neighboring town but needed money for the motel. I told him that I didn't have the money he needed and there was currently no one else in the building who could help or anyone I could turn him over to. Then Andy said, "well, how much do you need?" He said he needed $22. I'm thinking that's an odd number to need for a motel room. I again told him that I didn't have the money to give him. Then Andy took out his wallet and said he thought he had that much. He tried to count his money, but his tremors were too much for him, so he handed his wallet to me and asked me to count it. There were a bunch of ones, and I remarked that he didn't have $22 (trying to discourage the man so he would leave), but Andy said I should keep looking. And there it was: a five and a ten, along with all those ones. At that point, I just handed over the $22 and the man left immediately. I should have let it go, but I admit I scolded Andy for giving away his money. Andy said the guy looked fine. But I told him he was probably going to use the money to buy drugs. 

When we got in the car to go to his morning activities at the day care facility, he apologized profusely for giving away his money. And then of course, I felt bad for being so hard on him. In retrospect, I feel it was really my fault because I had known that people with Alzheimer's should not be allowed to drive or handle money. Well, it was a lesson learned. And I probably don't have to worry about there being a next time because he only has $2 left in his wallet.

I went over to the church this afternoon to do a little work because of tomorrow being a holiday. On the way home, Andy told me I could just drop him off at the house. I was a little confused about that, but I just said, "No, I'll come in with you."

One of the ways I cope is to enjoy my gardens. Andy and I worked at weeding them all (and there are a lot!) and trimming all the bushes (there are a lot of them, too!). We got that all done finally. I had planted some annual salvia earlier in the spring and it just wasn't looking good. A neighbor told me that others were saying the same thing about the salvia they had planted. So I decided to pull it all out and replace it with some perennials. I wasn't sure what to plant but it needed to be something that deer and rabbits don't like. The people at Perennial Gardens were very helpful, and I ended up with some dwarf butterfly bushes and Gaillardia (Arizona blanket flowers).

When I went to plant them, I handed Andy the shovel and told him to dig a hole right there. He actually didn't understand that. He tried to scoop up a layer of dirt instead of digging a hole. So I took the shovel and did all the work myself while he watched and cheered me on! Another lesson learned!

These dwarf butterfly bushes will get to be about four feet tall. I think the purple will look real nice against the white siding.

I'm really happy with my new flowers. I hope they survive. 

I've been having a running battle with squirrels at our bird feeders. I'm not ready to give up yet on putting birdseed out for the birds, but the squirrels are really frustrating me. They are awfully clever, even though I've spent money on supposedly "squirrel proof" bird feeders.

How did that squirrel know to lift that lid? Grrrrrrr. So I fastened it down, which lasted for a couple days until he chewed through the fasteners, lifted the lid, and crawled into the feeder head first. I guess it is a lesson in perseverance. If you want something bad enough, there's always a way to get it if you keep working at it.

I admit that between the birds and the shenanigans of the squirrels, I have a great show outside my kitchen window - better than watching tv. 

I continue to read through Abide in Christ by Andrew Murray. What a gifted man he was and how insightful and helpful his writings are. God is really blessing me through this book. "Abiding in Christ...I have a thousand times more given to me than I lost. God only takes from me that I might have room to take from him what is so much better."

I don't know how people go through the trials of this life without the Lord and his enabling grace. I think that whether people know it or not, God still enables them to endure. All of God's creatures can only live because of God's grace. "In him we live and move and have our being." (Acts 17:28) But how much better to live with the knowledge of the Lord and his indwelling presence - abiding in him and he abiding in me. 

In last week's sermon, Pastor mentioned C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain. I think Andy has every book C.S. Lewis wrote, and I decided to get it down off the shelf to read. I admit I struggled through it, it's too philosophical for me. But there are those little tidbits that people quote tucked in the middle of the books he writes. I liked this one in The Problem of Pain: "Because God already loves us, he must labor to make us loveable...God wills our good and our good is to love him. To love him, we must know him." 

And: "We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character."

And this one I've heard a number of times: "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

He knows how to get our attention. Pain gives us the undeniable reality that we are inadequate and unable to deal with life on our own. We are needy, dependent people who cannot live apart from the grace of God.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)