"Giving thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

First of all, I'm thankful for Thanksgiving because it is an opportunity to remember how much we have to be thankful for. We all have troubles, trials and difficult things we are dealing with, but even in dark times, we can be thankful. 

I am dealing with Andy's illness which is very difficult for me. Seeing the one I love suffer is almost more than I can bear. I tear up as I type this. So what can I find to be thankful for in this? 

Actually, there is a lot that I can think of, and I'm sure that there is a lot more that I just take for granted, that I'm oblivious to.

When I arrived at Care One Harmony Village (COHV) on Monday night, I saw Andy's doctor in the conference room. I was signing in, but he looked up and saw me, and took a few minutes to talk to me. He told me he had contacted Andy's other doctor and they decided to reduce a couple of Andy's medications. I was grateful for that opportunity to talk to the doctor, as well as his listening to my concerns last week, then following through. 

I wasn't sure when I first scheduled the hike for Tuesday whether it would be good timing because of it being Thanksgiving week. As it turned out, I'm glad I hadn't canceled because the weather was beautiful. It was also good for me to be with others that day. Being with people helps take my mind off my own troubles. Hearing the stories of others who are going through their own struggles is a mutual encouragement.

There were six of us, and we went to Palmyra Cove for our hike. I like that park because we always see deer. And as we drove into the nature center, we had to wait for a huge flock of turkeys to cross the road. This park is right along the Delaware River, but also has a large wooded area with trails winding throughout those woods. We hiked along the perimeter trail until we hit the Cove Trail, took that to the end, then turned around and hiked back to the nature center - my guess is about 5 miles total.

This is a beaver lodge in the middle of the tidal pool. We were there at low tide so the lodge seems pretty exposed, but my guess is that the beavers are still pretty safe because what, after all, is going to risk walking in that sand and mud?

In anticipation that I would be by myself on Thanskgiving Day, I invited myself to go to the Thanksgiving parade in Philadelphia with Dawn and her in-laws. Andy and I had gone a number of years ago when Kira was a baby, but after doing that, we decided it wasn't for us. But I believe the Lord gave me the idea to do it again because it would give me something to do, and I'd be with people I love. We took the high-speed-line over to Philadelphia, then walked several blocks to find a good spot in the sun. It was pretty cold, so sun was important. I was dressed warm and really wasn't cold at all.

After standing to watch the parade for about an hour, someone discovered that those doors directly behind us led to an inside Starbucks. Well, that was the end of watching the parade for me. I went in, had a coffee, and stayed inside until everyone was ready to leave. Pretty wimpy, right???

When I got home, I spent the rest of the day making a batch of rolls and a pumpkin cheesecake dessert. Everything came out of the oven in time for me to make it over to see Andy.

We had our family time on Friday...this has been our family tradition since the girls have been married and have their own families. We order pizza and panzarottis, I make a huge salad, and everybody's happy. After we had our coffee, we all drove over to COHV to see Andy. I really wanted to get an updated family picture with everyone. I didn't have one that included Cole. 

We had to take many pictures, and try several different times, but finally got one that was acceptable. The sun was shining and we were able to be outside, which was our hope since natural lighting is always the best. Andy was cold and wanted to go inside, but he was a good sport and did what we wanted. He was also feeling pretty miserable and really wanted to just lie down. At the same time, he was happy to see everyone and wanted to be there with them.

I am very happy with this picture and have looked at it numerous times. It always makes my heart smile. A friend commented that it was sweet that Andy and I were holding hands. I like holding his hand, but I also have to do it to help guide him to where he needs to go. He would either wander off or stand still in confusion.

We didn't really spend a lot of time with him because he just wasn't up to it. So Christy and her family came back to our house, and they graciously put up my tree and decorated it. I honestly don't think I would have bothered if they hadn't wanted to do it.

I fed them their dinner before sending them on their way. Everyone was tired after the excitement of the day, but I am grateful for the blessing of our family.

Speaking of family, on Saturday, Dawn called me to ask how I was doing. I told her I was emotional, having a hard time keeping back the tears. After all, holidays are difficult when there is a family member missing. And seeing him in his condition on Friday was also hard. She then asked me if I wanted to come over. They were going to take Kasey to get her ears pierced. She had been asking for that, especially after seeing her cousin the day before with earrings. So I jumped at the chance to get out of the house and to be with people I love. I drove with them in their car to the mall where Kasey picked out earrings, then bravely sat while she got her ears pierced. I couldn't believe it but she didn't cry. She looked a little shocked to get the "pinch" but she bravely endured! What a cutie!

In an email I received this week from Grief Share, I couldn't agree more with what was advised:

Dr. Larry Crabb says, “In the field of the soul there are no professional surgeons; there are only caring Christians... People in the church will enable you, through their love, to move forward on your journey. They may not know the exact words to say, and their timing will not always be right, but be assured that they love you because they love the Lord." 

This is exactly what happens on Sunday mornings when I go to church, or any time during the week when I am with someone from church. They care enough to ask me how I'm doing, how Andy's doing, then empathize with me as I tell them what I'm going through. They are not threatened by my tears and they promise to pray for me.

On top of the trauma of dealing with Andy's illness and watching him suffer is some news I received about our financial situation. There are a lot of questions that will need to be worked through - this seems overwhelming to me. I need to start applying for Medicaid assistance. Fortunately, I have a good elder care lawyer who is willing to make the application for me, but there will still be lots of paperwork for me to provide and sign and prove, etc. 

But again...in everything give thanks. God has promised that "He will provide for all our needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

I can't see the future or try to figure out how this is all going to work out, but some day, I'll look back and be amazed at what God did. I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.


"Cast My Cares"

When fear feels bigger than my faith
And struggles steal my breath away
When my back's pressed up against the wall
With the weight of my worries stacked up tall
You're strong enough to hold it all

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul

This war's not what I would have chosen
But You see the future no one knows yet
And You're still good when I can't
See the working of Your hands
You're holding it all

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul

I'm finding there's freedom,
When I lay it all on Your shoulders

Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You
Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You
Cast my cares I will, cast my cares I will, cast my cares on You

I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul
 Publishing: © 2014 Universal Music - Brentwood Benson Publishing (ASCAP) / Songs Of Emack (ASCAP)

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

If we're so tough, where do we go? Actually I think my modus operandi is more like the song Plumb sings: How many times have I cried out, "God please take this"? I am anything but tough.

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
 

Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Songwriters: Christina Wells / Luke Sheets / Tiffany Lee, Need You Now lyrics © DO Write Music LLC, Mike Curb Music

Andy had a good day last week where we were able to enjoy being together. He asked me about church. So I told him everyone who was on staff, including the three interns. After I finished the list, he was quiet, then teared up. He said, "tell everyone I love them." Oh, how touching. But then the next thing out of his mouth was: "So have you been doing any preaching lately?" Uh, no!

Then the next two nights were awful. His tremors were significant and they were distressing him. While I was there the one night, his doctor came in. I was so glad I was there, because when the doctor asked Andy how he was doing, he said "ok." I was able to talk to the doctor, questioning him on whether all the meds Andy is taking are really necessary, since they eventually lose their effectiveness. Also, one or two of them are highly potent, and do they really do what they're intended to do. I found out that to increase the meds to control his tremors cause the side effects of dizziness and low blood pressure. Several times Andy has complained of dizziness, even falling on several occasions because of extremely low blood pressure. So there's a trade off - either we do better at controlling the tremors which leads to low blood pressure and possible falls or we live with the tremors. This is very difficult to explain to Andy, though.

Christy's Claire had a birthday on Tuesday - her 6th. She wanted a bowling party and invited me to join the family and two of her friends. I didn't bowl, but sat and watched and talked to Christy. We all had a good time. Claire is quite stylish in her "bowling outfit."

And you'll never guess what kind of cake she had! E-claire cake!

You'd have to be blind not to see that Claire loves pink and frills. So she was pretty happy with the gift I gave her.

A couple of evenings were spent with Dawn and her family. Monday night she came to Care One Harmony Village while I was visiting Andy. The kids really like to go there. The ice cream parlor is a hit, but they also like writing on the white board in Andy's room.

Another evening, I stopped at Starbucks and took Dawn's favorite drink to her house where we sat and chatted and played with the kids. 

I think hanging around all those kids during the week compromised my immune system. I thought I was coming down with a cold so I started sucking on Cold Eeze losenges and going to bed with Nyquil. I woke Saturday morning feeling so slow, like I'd been drugged (like I'd taken Nyquil - ha, ha). There were things I had to get done, but I just didn't have the energy. I did a lot of resting and working in slow motion, and I did get most of my list accomplished. Then all of a sudden, I felt good right around dinner time. (The Nyquil must have worn off!)

For a while, I've been missing the privilege of hosting gatherings at our house. Andy and I felt very strongly that God gave us this house, and we wanted to use it for Him and His purposes. So over the years, we hosted many different Bible study groups and meetings, as well as having the room for our own family as we grew.

Then the Lord provided me with an opportunity to host a birthday party for a friend from church. It was special how all the details came together and pointed to my hosting the party at our house. Granted, I wouldn't have Andy to help me bring tables and chairs up from the basement, but there would be others who could help.

As it turned out, it was a beautiful afternoon in every way. Our house was full of laughter, friends and good food.

 

 

We had 8 adults and 11 children - a table and house full! It was a special blessing from the Lord that as we ate and talked together, many of those who were here mentioned how they had met "Pastor Andy" and how much he meant to them. My heart was full and I am grateful for the Lord's goodness to me.

As we go into Thanksgiving week, it is fitting to praise God for Who He is and what He has done. 

Psalm 33:1-5, 20-22
"Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him. 
Praise the LORD with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song; play skillfully and shout for joy.
for the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love...
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

There hasn't been any change - just more of the same: Andy's not well, I visit him every evening and watch him suffer. It's very distressing. 

How do I cope? I run to the Lord and look to Him and His Word to soothe my soul. Any time I'm in the car, I listen to K-Love. Most of the songs that are played speak to my heart. The authors of the songs have obviously gone through deep waters themselves because the lyrics they write lead us to God and His care. 

One I heard this past week was Magnify by We are Messengers.  

I've been trying to make sense of the sorrow that I feel
Holding on for life to the only thing that's real

I've only scratched the surface, I've barely had a taste
But just a glimpse draws my heart to change
And one side of You lays my sin to waste
I don't need to see everything
Just more of You

Take it all, take it all away
Magnify no other name
Open up, open up my eyes
To You

My sight is incomplete and I made You look small
I've been staring at my problems for way too long
Realign where my hope is set
Until You're all that's left

But just a glimpse draws my heart to change
And one side of You lays my sin to waste
I don't need to see everything
Just more of you

God, be greater than the worries in my life

Be stronger than the weakness in my mind

Be louder, let your glory come alive.

Be magnified. 

And then in this morning's reading, Spurgeon (in Morning and Evening) was expounding on 1 Peter 1:7, "the tested genuineness of your faith." Peter says our faith is more precious than gold. But faith that is not tested is not really faith.

Spurgeon says: "Untested faith may be true faith, but it is sure to be small faith, and it is likely to remain little as long as it is without trials. Faith never prospers so well as when all things are against her: tempests are her trainers, and bolts of lightning are her illuminators...Tested faith brings experience. You could not have believed your own weakness if you had not been compelled to pass through the rivers; and you would never have known God's strength if you had not been supported in the flood. Faith increases in quality, assurance, and intensity the more it is exercised with tribulation. Faith is precious, and its trial is precious, too."

Another day, I read Deuteronomy 33:27 "Underneath are the everlasting arms." This reminded me of a favorite saying of mine: "There is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still." It's a beautiful thought to comfort us that no matter how low we go, God's arms are beneath us, supporting and carrying us. And those arms of His do not grow tired or weary, (Isaiah 40:28).

A favorite verse of Andy's was: Psalm 62:11-12 ~ "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." 

Both those attributes of God we've heard since we were babies:

Jesus loves me, this I know

For the Bible tells me so,

Little ones to Him belong.

We are weak, but He is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me... 

As I was driving over to see Andy tonight, I couldn't help but think that I was getting kind of used to being on my own. Then I struggled not to feel guilty for enjoying the company of friends this afternoon, or that I was actually having good times in spite of his suffering. I have to bring every thought captive and continue to remind myself what is true. I know Andy would want me to enjoy my life. He would not want me to feel guilty or always be sad. In fact, one evening this past week when he was in extreme suffering, I teared up in his presence. He immediately, even as bad as he was feeling himself, asked me what was wrong. When I told him I hated to see him suffer, he tried to console and comfort me. 

A couple of evenings ago, when I took the mail over to Andy's mom and day, they were looking intently out their window. They called me over to look with them...the yard was full of deer. 

My picture shows only a few of them. I had to laugh because that very day, Ricky was off hunting. When I showed him the picture of all these deer in my yard, he said he had been hunting all day and hadn't seen even one deer! Oh, the irony!

Through it all, I pray that the experiences I am going through will not be wasted, that God will be magnified in how I deal with the disappointments and heartaches that he allows, that I will be able to see the goodness of his hand in every moment of every day. But this can only happen because of His dwelling in me. "For apart from me, you can do nothing," Jesus said in John 15:5. 

I need Him - this is too much for little me.

Up and down, up and down...living at extremes

Dawn met me at Care One on Monday evening with the kids. We had the usual ice cream in the ice cream parlor, then went back to Andy's room with him. He was more alert that he usually is and he obviously enjoyed the children. 

But the rest of the week, he was in distress. The tremors really bother him. I don't think he's in pain, but the constant uncontrollable shaking is hard to ignore and causes him anxiety. 

The nurse told me that his medications have been changed which may take his body a couple of days to get accustomed to the new regimen. I think the doctors are trying to ease his tremors, but at this point, nothing seems to be working.

On Friday evening when I arrived, Andy was already eating his dinner. I took over for the care giver. He would open his mouth as the fork came to his mouth, but he was practically catatonic and unresponsive otherwise. When he finally finished the meal, I helped him back to his room. He was shaking so violently and was in such distress that I promised him I would find the nurse. When the nurse came in, she advised him to lie on the bed on his left side. When he did so, his right hand stopped shaking. I got a wet washcloth to put on his forehead because his room was hot. He lay quietly for about 10 minutes, then sat up and seemed perfectly normal. It was the strangest thing. Did the medicine finally kick in? What made the difference between the violent shaking and catatonic state to the feeling better enough to sit up and engage with his surroundings? It's so puzzling.

I've also had some stressful situations at home with Andy's mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year or so after Andy was. She is still home, living in the in-law apartment attached to our house. I am not very involved in caring for her, but she does live in my house. She has always enjoyed doing laundry, but recently, it has become almost an obsession or fixation for her. I have noticed her doing laundry nearly every day. And when I do my own laundry, she thinks its hers so she goes into the laundry room and pushes buttons or takes clothes out of the washer or dryer when it's not even hers. I have to watch her constantly. 

In the last week or two, she's been "washing" items that shred apart in the washer and dryer, making a huge mess for either Dad or myself to clean up. On Monday when I got home from work, I walked into the laundry room to find Dad with the vacuum cleaner trying to vacuum out lint from the dryer. There was already a large pile of lint on the dryer that he had been able to get out. He suggested I call someone to come clean out the dryer vent because there was so much lint, he was afraid it would cause a fire and be a danger.

Well, this caused me so much stress. I felt that the best solution was to put a lock on the laundry room door to keep her out. But would that be kind because it was one thing she loved to do. But it wouldn't be kind to let her continue to destroy the appliances.So I did not sleep all night, just thinking about all of this. What is the solution? I remember thinking in the middle of the night: "I quit. This is all too hard." 

But the next morning, reality hit. I can't quit. This is a new day - the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The night seemed so dark and the hours ticked by so slowly, but the morning brought hope and even joy because his mercies are new every morning.

Then I read about Julian of Norwich in a book we have on our shelf, Devotional Classics. She lived from 1343 - 1413 and had a deep desire to know and love God. She wrote: "I wanted to experience every kind of pain, bodily and spiritual, which I would have if I were to die - every fear and temptation. I intended this because I wanted to be purged by God's mercy and afterwards live more to his glory because of that sickness."

I was in awe. She actually wanted to suffer. But the purpose of that suffering was so she could share in Christ's sufferings and know God better. It's obvious she did enjoy a beautiful relationship with her Lord because she also writes: "We are so preciously loved by God that we cannot even comprehend it. No created being can ever know how much and how sweetly and tenderly God loves them. It is only with the help of his grace that we are able to persevere in spiritual contemplation with endless wonder at his high, surpassing, immeasurable love which our Lord in his goodness has for us."

Everyone suffers in some way. None of us would chose how we would "like" to suffer. I don't suffer with an unbelieving husband or with wayward children or life in a country halfway around the world being persecuted for my faith. My suffering is mine, and I believe God doesn't waste experiences. He can use what we are going through to show his might, power and love as he enables us to endure, praise him in the storm and grow in our love for him. He also lovingly opens our eyes to reveal our hearts to us...how self-centered, impatient, prone to want the easy way out, etc. In fact, the seed of every sin is in my own heart. He shows us our hearts so that we can repent and realize we need his help to live a life that pleases him.

When my eyes are open to it, I have much to be thankful for. This past week, a friend came over to help me adjust the timers on my lights. While he was here, he changed a couple bulbs that had burned out and were too high in my cathedral ceilings for me to take care of. I also received a card from someone who had gone to our church years ago. She told me she had been to Care One with her job and was surprised to see Andy there. She met with him and shared a verse with him that she had read that morning in her private devotional time. This meant a lot to me. She not only helped Andy, but also took the time to write me a note to tell me about her time with him.

Yesterday I drove up to see Amy and her family. I just hung out with them, reading books to the kids, watching their "exploits," doing errands with Amy, just being with them. Katy the youngest is taking gymnastic lessons which is perfect for her. She has so much energy and was eager to perform for me. She was proud of herself being able to jump rope on the trampoline. She kept on, over and over. If I had one tenth of her energy, I could get a lot done!

And here's a lovely handstand on the trampoline. I don't think I could ever in my life do a headstand, let alone a handstand. She is very agile and talented.

 What a fun time I had with the family. 

The week also provided an opportunity to have lunch with a friend on Tuesday. She is going through a hard time, and we were able to encourage one another with the Scriptures and reminders of the goodness of God.

At church today I enjoyed numerous conversations with friends and even met a few new people. After church I joined several others at a Thai restaurant, grateful for the chance to be with fellow believers on a day that usually feels long.

Another excerpt from Devotional Classics written by Soren Kierkegaard, was so encouraging to me this week. He wrote a prayer to God: "You who are unchangeable, whom nothing changes! You who are unchangeable in love, precisely for our welfare, not submitting to any change: may we too will our welfare, submitting ourselves to the discipline of Your unchangeableness, so that we may in unconditional obedience find our rest and remain at rest in Your unchangeableness. You are not like us; if we are to preserve only some degree of constancy, we must not permit ourselves too much to be moved, nor by too many things. You on the contrary are moved, and moved in infinite love, by all things. Even that which we human beings call an insignificant trifle, and pass by unmoved, the need of a sparrow, even this moves You; and what we so often scarcely notice, a human sigh, this moves You, You who are unchangeable! You who in infinite love do submit to be moved, may this our prayer also move You to add Your blessing, in order that there may be brought about such a change in us who pray as to bring us into conformity with Your unchangeable will, You who are unchangeable."

What a beautiful concept: God is unchangeable, but is moved by our sighs. We are worth much more than the sparrow and He keeps track of our tears. 

Psalm 56:8 ~ "Record my misery; list my tears on your scroll— are they not in your record?"

Psalm 126:5 ~ "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy."

Sorrow may come in the night, but joy comes with the morning. Great is His faithfulness.

We've had some incredibly beautiful fall weather and I've taken advantage of it. But today is a rainy, gray, dreary day and I'm feeling glum. So as I write, I'm hoping that remembering the goodness of the Lord this past week will help lift me up a little.

Psalm 77:11-12 ~ "I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago, I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds."

I was visiting with Andy on Monday night and he said he was up to a walk around the building. While we were outside, my phone rang. It was Dawn wondering if she could come over with the kids. Andy was delighted...he always lights up when anyone of the family comes to see him.

Cole is such a sweetheart. He went to Andy, put up his arms to be held, then sat contently on his Poppop's lap.

On Wednesday evening, I stopped by Dawn's house after visiting Andy to spend some time with her and the kids. Tommy was away on a business trip so it was an opportunity to hang out with Dawn and possibly help with the kids so she wouldn't feel so alone. After the kids' baths, I read to them for a while. It brought back fond memories of when my own kids were that age. What a cozy time after baths, to snuggle with a good book.

On Friday afternoon, our church hosted a Trunk or Treat event on the parking lot. It was very well done and a lot of fun. I attended so I could be with the kids. Cole is such a sweet boy (did I mention this before!). He held onto my finger almost the whole time. He methodically put candy into his bag as it was given to him, but then made sure he had my finger again. I loved it.

Fall is beginning to color the trees. One of the prettiest trees in the fall is the sassafras with bright orange leaves, very showy and "sassy."

I had heard of a new park in the process of opening, very close to our house. I asked a friend if she wanted to explore it with me, and we decided to go for it. We weren't sure where we were going or what we were getting into, but it turned out to be a fun time together and we were out in nature.

There's a lot of work that's needed to make this into a pleasurable and easy park. At this point, the "trail" is marked with surveyor's tape on trees. There is a path, but it's not always easy to determine which way to go. I think the plan is to put gravel down which will help. An Eagle Scout troop built a bridge at one point that was low and wet, but there are a couple of other spots that could use either some planks or a bridge. I always enjoyed exploring. It gives the sensation of "going where no man has gone before." I'm sure many people have been in this woods before, but I can always pretend, right?!

The weather was cool yesterday afternoon, so I decided to tackle a bush that needed trimming. Andy always hated this bush because it has incredibly wicked thorns.

I like the bush, though, because it has cute little white flowers in the spring that develop into orange berries in the fall.

It has also been host to a number of birds who've built their nests in it in the spring. The location of the bush is right outside my kitchen window so I see it many times a day as I work. I guess you could say, I have a certain relationship with this bush. I do need to keep it trimmed back, though, because it can get out of hand. With the thorns being so lethal, they need to be kept away from the house in case we need to get by for any reason.

I know it looks pretty pathetic right now but it will fill out again, and I hope, be easier for me to prune next time.

As I was pruning this thorny bush, even being so careful, I still had a couple of scratches and punctures on my hands and arms. I couldn't help but be reminded of the crown of thorns that was pushed onto Jesus' head. "He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 55:5) All four gospels mention the crown of thorns that was placed on Jesus' head. 

Andy is not doing any better. That is to be expected. It is a degenerating disease, after all. I've noticed that his left hand is now exhibiting some tremors. It is not as bad as his right hand which is unbelievably bad. I don't know how he can stand it. Actually, I don't think he can. It is very annoying, frustrating and exhausting for his hand to shake all the time. It is so hard to visit him and be unable to do anything to alleviate his suffering. I don't think my reading to him is helping much any more. I'm not sure how much he is getting out of that. The tremor is just too distracting. I try to get him to take a walk, hoping that will give him something else to think about. But we don't get very far before he needs to turn around and go back to his bed. He just doesn't have the stamina and strength to continue. He tries...bless his heart. He wants to please me. 

I've noticed when I do his laundry these days that his t-shirts are inside out. When we were first married, I asked him to please not put his t-shirts in the laundry inside out. I didn't realize that he developed the habit of doing what I had asked until recently when I noticed that his shirts are inside out. So all those years, he set about to please me. But now that his dementia is progressing, he has forgotten about this little detail. Dear sweet Andy...always so faithful and loving even in the little things.

I got a call from the nurse this afternoon that Andy had fallen. They took his blood pressure and it was very low. He said he was dizzy. He was really out of it when I arrived at dinner time. He was in bed and it took great effort on my part to get him up and out to the dining area. He walked painfully slow. Simple instructions didn't seem to register. I and the care givers could hardly get him to the chair for him to sit down. He did eat everything on his plate but sat there in a catatonic state. I got him back to his room and helped him lie down. He promptly fell asleep. I stayed seated in the chair by his bed, just to be with him. About 30 minutes later, he woke up, was alert and speaking in complete sentences. I wonder if the nurse had given him medication for his dizziness that caused him to be so out of it.

On my way over to see Andy this evening, the Crowder band came on the radio with the song, I AM. Those words were just what I needed as I walked into the care facility.

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side.

I am
Holding on to You.
I am
Holding on to You.
In the middle of the storm
I am Holding on
I am!

Love like this, Oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!

This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why to You I run
This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why to You I run
There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace

I AM, sung by Crowder

In the difficult times, it's impossible to keep holding on...we need someone to hold on to us. Casting Crowns sings it in their song: Just Be Held:

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

Writer(s): John Mark Hall, Bernie Herms, Matthew Joseph West
Lyrics powered by www.musixmatch.com

God has promised to never leave us...He is always with us, holding on to us, giving us strength, carrying us when we're too weak, helping us soar on wings like eagles, surrounding us with his arms of love, pouring out his love and grace in ways we see and ways we have no clue. He is a good God.

 

Psalm 94:18, 19 ~ "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."

It was a quiet week...I really don't have anything new to report. Things are somewhat status quo with Andy. He's tired...and tired of shaking. Tonight he told me he wanted to quit the pain. I wish I could fix that for him but in reality, I'm helpless in that regard. 

In the Sunday school class I've been attending, we have been studying Hebrews. What a comfort to know our Savior faced weakness and suffering just as we do. He understands our weakness and sympathizes with us. This gives us confidence to approach the throne of grace boldly so that we may find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

Jeremy Camp sings a song that I love: He Knows.


All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

[Chorus:]
He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

[Chorus]

Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He knows
Publishing: © 2014 Capitol CMG Genesis / Stolen Pride Music (ASCAP) (Admin. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) / CentricSongs / 2 Hour Songs (SESAC) (Admin. at Music Services) Writer(s): Jeremy Camp and Seth Mosley


It is a great comfort to know that He knows and understands. He weeps with us when we weep and He rejoices with us in our good times. 

Have I ever had the shadow of a reason to doubt the Father's goodness? Hasn't his lovingkindness been marvelous? Has He ever once failed to justify my trust? God has never left me at any time. I have had dark nights, but the star of love has shone out amid the blackness; I have been in tough battles, but over my head He has held high the shield of my defense. I have gone through many trials but never to my detriment, always to my advantage. The conclusion from past experiences is that He who has been with me in six troubles will not forsake me in the seventh. (Adapted from Morning and Evening by Charles Haddon Spurgeon)

In spite of the difficulty of what I'm going through, God is good - always.

This a beautiful time of year and I'm grateful for the opportunity I had on Tuesday to hike with a friend. We went to the Brendan T. Byrne state forest, parking at the ranger station, then hiking three miles to Pakim Pond. I love this hike through the Pine Barrens, through mostly red pines and oak trees, but there's one section that has many Atlantic white cedar trees. 

Pakim Pond was absolutely stunning reflecting the brilliant blue of the sky. After hiking to the pond, we had to hike another 3 miles back to the car. It was perfect weather for a walk in the woods: not too hot, not too cold.

On Saturday, I drove up to spend the afternoon and evening with Christy and her family. She was busy in the kitchen all afternoon, cooking and baking. The kids and I kept her company, but we played games while she worked. Claire cracks me up. Even as young as she is, she is a smart little card shark. I don't know how she does it, but she easily beats me most of the time - and it's not like I'm letting her win. 

So life isn't all hard things. Yes, I ache for Andy and what he is going through. I'm tired of the overwhelming and all-consuming nature of his illness. But that isn't all there is. God gives me fun and fulfilling moments with friends, family and Himself. 

How good is the God we adore. 

Psalm 94:17-19 ~ "Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."