God continues to pour out his lavish grace on me. His mercies are new every day, multiple times a day.

In Sunday school class this morning, we read Lamentations 3 and were amazed at how awful Jeremiah's life was, all the horrible things he was experiencing. He is very detailed in his suffering:
"My skin and flesh grow old and my bones are broken (verse 4);
I am besieged and surrounded with bitterness and hardship (verse 5);
I dwell in darkness like those long dead (verse 6);
I am walled in so I cannot escape and am weighed down with chains (verse 7);
I am mangled and left without help (verse 11);
I am a target for arrows (verse 12);
I am a laughingstock of all my people, they mock me all day long (verse 14);
My teeth are broken with gravel and I am trampled in the dust (verse 16);
I have been deprived of peace, I have forgotten what prosperity is (verse 17).

But in spite of all these awful descriptive pictures of his terrible suffering, Jeremiah concludes:
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:21-23)

Is Jeremiah being realistic? I would wholeheartedly say yes, he is. I have experienced the goodness of the Lord in spite of going through suffering. I think his goodness is more evident when we are desperate, when there's no where to go except to the Good Shepherd, where we receive everything we need and lack nothing.

The intensity of my suffering has eased. In fact, in a way, I don't feel like I am suffering at all right now. For five years, I was so consumed with Andy's illness, making sure he was being taken care of, worrying about how to pay for his care, making decisions without his input, and generally, getting used to being a widow even though I technically wasn't one yet. But all that is now behind me. It feels like there has been closure, with a new chapter opening up before me.

That doesn't mean I don't think about Andy any more. On the contrary, I think of him all the time. And I expect that I'll always carry him in my heart. Having done life with him for 44 years makes a difference in the way I live my life now.

There are a number of changes that will be coming my way in the near future. This is helping me to have purpose to my life. I have a future and a hope, as Jeremiah says in Jeremiah 29:11.

I had another grandchild over this past weekend. This time it was 8 year old Katy. She chose to watch The Fox and the Hound and decided to watch it as a fairy.

Speaking of thinking of Andy at every moment of the day, one of the songs in the movie was Goodbye May Seem Forever:

Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart's a memory 
And there you'll always be. 

Yes, how true. It was hard not to get choked up on that one.

Katy has a wonderful imagination, and it was fun to play with her on some of her fantasies. When she woke up on Saturday morning, she was a vet healing the broken leg of a hurt dog.

We had a good time together, eating ice cream, watching a Veggie Tales video, coloring, playing with Kira, playing some games, and taking a hike. The weather was so inviting for hiking, and we went over to Black Run Preserve again. The leaves are past their peak, I think, but there was still enough color to make the walk a delightful excursion.

We found a very big leaf...bigger than Katy's head.

All in all...another beautiful weekend spent with one of my grandchildren.

We sang a song this morning in church with the lyrics in the chorus:

Oh Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
It's Your endless love pouring down on us
You have made us new, now life begins with You
from Death Arrested by Adam Kersh, Brandon Coker, Heath Balltzglier, and Paul Taylor

I love the imagery of grace washing over me. Another song describes grace as an ocean, then goes on to add: "we're all sinking."


Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin!


John 1:16 ~ "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."

Romans 5:17 ~ "For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ."

2 Corinthians9:8 ~ "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Ephesians 1:7, 8 ~ "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

Ephesians 2:7 ~ "...In the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus."

Thank God for his amazing grace!

There didn't seem to be anything in particular, maybe just everything in general, but Friday felt especially heavy to me. My natural response wants to figure out why I'm dealing with these feelings. Why do I feel like crying when nothing has happened to add to what I'm already going through. Oppressive humidity? Attack from Satan? Lack of sleep? In this case, though, I have to be satisfied with no answer. I just don't know.

But as usually happens when I'm feeling low, God provides the encouragement I need at the precise moment of my need. I am currently reading Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren.

She writes about God being a part of every detail of our lives: when we wake in the morning, when we lose our keys, when we eat leftovers, when we sit in traffic...

In her chapter, Sitting in Traffic, she focuses on patience and being unhurried. I had heard a phrase in a song, and I don't remember which song at the moment, about God always being on time, never late. Trish reminds us that "we live in a waiting world, a world where time itself, along with all of creation, groans as in childbirth, waiting for something to be born." We live our lives each day in light of a future reality. Our best life is still to come. But in the middle of waiting for that future hope, are we patiently enjoying the days we have in the present? Waiting itself can be a gift. Our waiting is active and purposeful...God is at work in us and through us as we wait. A couple of days ago, I was struck with a feeling of expectancy as I wait for God to work things out for me. He is so creative in the way He works, not tied to uncertainty, but the Sovereign Ruler of all things, working for the good of his children. In my own perception of things, my situation looks hopeless...but that is not taking into account God and His divine purposes.

Recently I've noticed Steven Curtis Chapman's Glorious Unfolding being played frequently on KLOVE. It was recorded in 2013 so I really don't know why I hadn't heard it until recently. But it has spoken to me and been an encouraging reminder to me.

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight 
Don't try to figure it out
Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart
'Cause I know this is not anything like you thought the story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
but it's just not true
There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold.

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding.

God's plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing love
And the story has only begun

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we're living 
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We'll see the glorious unfolding
Songwriter: Steven Curtis Chapman, copyright BMG Rights Management US, LLC

That's right: Don't try to figure it out. Someday it will all be unfolded and we'll be amazed at the glorious plan of God.

I was able to have some family time on Tuesday when I drove up to Lancaster County to spend a couple of hours with Amy and her kids. They've been doing a lot of work to finish the upstairs of their new house as well as doing some outside projects. It was a joy to see those projects and be with her and the kids in person. After lunch we investigated a new park Amy had found. There was a huge lake that was an opportunity for the kids to fish and explore. There was also a paved trail around the park that we hiked. The sun was hot but the breeze was cool and refreshing. Amy and I stayed in the gazebo to chat while the kids played and fished at the lake.

Amy and I were amused with the momma duck and her babies on the lake. Whenever Chase would cast his fishing line, the ducks would paddle quickly to where his line was and follow it as he reeled it in. In spite of his moving from place to place to keep far away from the ducks, he did manage to catch a fish.

I heard a teacher on the radio tell about the story of Gideon in Judges 6. When the angel came to tell Gideon that God wanted him to fight against Israel's enemies, he addressed Gideon as "mighty warrior." Isn't that interesting? Gideon hadn't done anything yet. But in anticipation of a great victory, God calls Gideon a mighty warrior. Along with that pronouncement, God promises to be with him.

"When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, 'The LORD is with you, mighty warrior'." (Judges 6:12)

And there's the whole reason God could address him as a hero before he had even gone into battle: because God was going to do the fighting for him. It reminded me of David's confidence in Psalm 18:29 and 2 Samuel 22:30 (both verses have the exact same wording): "With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall."

Scripture is full of God's promises to always be with us and to fight our battles for us. With God, the victory is assured.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:29)
 

Our church had a ladies retreat this weekend. The theme for the weekend was "perseverance" and discipleship. I was honored to be invited to be part of a panel for the perseverance theme. I don't really feel like I'm an expert at persevering, but when I told my daughter that, she responded with some very kind and encouraging words: "...Being that an expert is someone who has a comprehensive knowledge about a particular subject I would say you qualify to talk about suffering. Maybe you don't feel that you are suffering well, but you do know it well and will certainly have wisdom to share. I'm sure it will be good for you and I'm glad you are going."

I'm glad I did it. I spent a lot of time this past week thinking about the subject, looking up Scripture and praying about how the Lord could use me to minister and encourage others who are going through hard times. One of the questions that was asked was: "How have you maintained your faithfulness in your journey?"

Anyone who reads my blog knows I am a reader. I constantly have 2 or 3 books going. I choose books that will challenge me in my walk with the Lord, books that focus on the goodness of God, on the purpose of suffering, or biographies of people who have endured through hard times. 

Here is a list of some of my favorite books:
1. Be Still My Soul, by Nancy Guthrie
2. The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone
3. Holding on to Hope, by Nancy Guthrie
4. Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, by Nancy Guthrie
5. If God is Good, by Randy Alcorn
6. Walking with God through Pain and Suffering, by Timothy Keller
7. When God Weeps, by Joni Eareckson Tada
8. A Place of Healing, by Joni Eareckson Tada
9. Jesus Wept, by Bruce Marchiano
10. Abide in Christ, by Andrew Murray

Music also ministers to me. Often times, songs are developed in the heart of the song writer because of difficulties they are facing. Those kinds of songs speak to the heart, reminding us of God's faithfulness, love and presence. 

My suggestions of songs that are uplifting and God honoring:
1. O My Soul, All My Days by Casting Crowns
2. More Than Anything, by Natalie Grant
3. Even If, by Mercy Me
4. Reckless Love, by Cory Asbury 
5. Trust in You, by Lauren Daigle 
6. The Cross Has the Final Word, by the Newsboys
7. At the Cross, by Chris Tomlin


And there are many more.

One of the things I mentioned that helps me through the hard times is Scripture memory. Years ago, when I started memorizing Scripture, I promised God I wouldn't brag about how many verses I knew by heart. It would be a secret between him and me. But I felt him prompting me to mention the importance of "hiding God's Word in our hearts." I confessed that I have memorized whole books of the Bible, as well as whole portions of other meaningful texts. The reason I felt this is an important step in being able to cope with life's trials is that now when I have a night where I can't sleep, I have something to think about. Reviewing passages I have memorized places my mind in the right place - instead of going to the worry place. I do that anyway, but I'm so grateful that I can leave the worry and go to the Scriptures for peace and comfort. Sometimes, I review for hours, but usually, it only takes a minute or two before I feel myself relaxing and drifting back to sleep. 

One of the passages I memorized a while back was 2 Peter 1:1-11. As I was reviewing it this week, I was struck with the word "perseverance" in the middle of a list of qualities that we receive as a result of knowing Jesus. Perseverance is next to godliness (not cleanliness!). But that list of qualities, faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, love, are given to us by Jesus' divine power for life and godliness.

All of life is dependent on Jesus living in and through me. Apart from Him I can do nothing. He is faithful and helps me to be faithful. He is the God of encouragement and encourages me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and He helps me to persevere. Even the perseverance is from Him. Without Him, I would quit...this is too hard. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ~ "May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." He certainly didn't quit, but was faithful to the task the Father had planned for our salvation.

Spring is taking its good old time to warm up. Everyone seems so ready for it to get warmer, but I think the flowers are staying with us longer because it's cooler. It's like they're refrigerated!
 

 I "borrowed" a book I saw at Christy's the last time I was at her house. It wasn't even her book, someone had loaned it to her. And I didn't ask her permission to read it, I just picked it up and told her I wanted to read it! So because of that, I felt I needed to read it quickly since I didn't ask permission and since it wasn't hers. The book was When God Doesn't Fix It by Laura Story. She tells the story of how after only one year of marriage, her husband developed a brain tumor. He underwent surgery to remove the tumor, but the surgery affected his vision and his short term memory. He will never get better. He's young with a young family. Laura is the bread winner, working a full time job, taking care of him and her children. How does she do it? She writes candidly and honestly about their situation. She felt prompted to tell her story, "a story without an ending. A story, not of hope, but of being held by Him during [her] hopelessness."

It got me to thinking. How often have I wondered "how long..." It's already been 5 years that Andy has been ill. He continues to decline, it's painful to visit him and see him suffering. How long??? But there others who are suffering and have suffered their whole life. I know a family that has a severely disabled daughter. She is currently 18 years old, has been in and out of the hospital those 18 years. How long can this family endure? I know another woman whose husband died several years ago. She has a daughter who is in her 40's with the mental capacity of a 3 year old. How does she endure? Or what about Joni Eareckson Tada who has been a quadriplegic for 50 years?

Then I was reading Psalm 13 where David asked 4 times in the first 2 verses: "How long?"

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" But then David appeals to the Lord.

"Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death."

And he concludes with this declaration of his faith in God: "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

What a perfect ending to our angst and questions...look to God, trust Him, focus on his goodness and love and the many blessings we enjoy.

For whatever reason, I've been so tired lately. Mornings especially, have been quite a challenge for me to get out of bed and begin my day. In talking to friends about this, it seems they are experiencing the same phenomenon. Is it the darkness of the morning since the time has changed? Is it the dragging on of the cold dark winter? Is it the unchanging and depressing nature of what I'm going through? Perhaps it's a combination of those and more. 

It's times like these, though, that I need the presence of the Lord more than ever. He promises to give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak (Isaiah 40). It's also crucial that I don't spend too much time in the house alone. I purposely filled some of my hours this week with yard work. It was cold and windy and I had to work quickly and take lots of breaks in the house to warm up. But I was able to lug branches and storm debris to the street. I also raked up quite a few piles of small sticks and twigs, then bagged them up and took them to the street as well. They'll probably be there awhile because every house along the street has a pile of branches to be picked up. As much as I worked at it this week, there is still more to be done. 

I also recognize the need to spend time with people. I am happy to be able to meet up with Dawn every week. She likes to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters!
 

Then on Saturday, I was able to drive up to Lancaster County to spend some time with Amy and her family. It's so affirming to walk into the house and have everyone so happy to see me and receive all those hugs. We hung out till after lunch, then went to investigate a "park" Amy had driven by a number of times. It was a nice little park with a gravel path and a creek to explore. Chase just happened to have a fishing pole along so had to see if he could catch anything, but I think those fish were smart enough not to venture out into the cold.

So now Amy had to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters! Fun rivalry!

Reckless Love

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me

 

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Songwriters: Caleb Culver / Cory Asbury / Ran Jackson

Reckless Love lyrics © Bethel Music Dba Bethel Music Publishing

I love this song. I was wondering, though, about God's love being reckless. The Bible is clear about his love being awesome and eternal. The definition of reckless according to the dictionary: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless." This is not a characteristic that I would ascribe to God. On the other hand, as the song goes on to say, "I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give Yourself away." Yes, when I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That's pretty reckless!

I remembered that years ago, Andy led a Bible study discussing Tim Keller's book, Prodigal God. 

 

Keller defines the word "prodigal" as "recklessly spendthrift." He goes on to explain that it means to spend until you have nothing left. This term is therefore as appropriate for describing the father in the prodigal son story as his younger son. "The father's welcome to the repentant son was literally reckless, because he refused to 'reckon' or count his sin against him or demand repayment."

"God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not reckoning to them their trespasses" (2 Corinthians 5:19 - ASV). "Jesus is showing us the God of Great Expenditure, who is nothing if not prodigal toward us, his children. God's reckless grace is our greatest hope, a life-changing experience." (from Prodigal God by Timothy Keller)

The Lord also reminded me of something Ann Voskamp posted once about Psalm 23:6: "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." She said that word "follow" actually means to chase down. I love that picture. God's love chases me down, doesn't just quietly and nicely "follow" me. He relentlessly pursues me. That seems pretty reckless to me.

Ephesians 2:4 ~ "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."

Colossians 1:21, 22 ~ "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." 

I thank God for his overwhelming, never-ending, and reckless love.

When I was on vacation this summer with Christy and her family, we were talking one day about her girls getting braces. And in passing (I thought), I mentioned that I had always wished I'd gotten my teeth straightened. That started a conversation that finally had me promising I would pursue the possibility. But I didn't follow through until I got a prod from Christy, so the next time I saw my dentist (she's a good friend and goes to our church), I asked her what she thought. She immediately enthused over the idea and told me that one of her best friends was an orthodontist. I hemmed and hawed and gave some excuses, but she wouldn't let me off the hook. Later that week, she texted me to ask if I had set up an appointment yet. So right then I called and made the appointment for a consultation, then texted her back to say I had followed through!

It was amazing to see how little details came together to affirm that this was ok for me to do. When I called the office to make the appointment, the receptionist who answered recognized my name and was so positive about me going ahead with this. The receptionist is working in the same office that I took all three of our daughters to for their braces 25 years ago. The orthodontist is different, but she took over the office of the Dr. who had worked on the girls - when he retired.

I was pretty apprehensive about the expense, but even that worked out in an unbelievable way. I  had my consultation several weeks ago, then got them on this past Tuesday. As I was sitting in the chair with my mouth stretched open in a very uncomfortable position and cotton balls stuffed in my mouth to control the saliva, I couldn't help but wonder what in the world had made me decide to do this. Since then I've continued to ask that question because eating has been difficult and uncomfortable, too. And cleaning the teeth is very time consuming. But it's all for a good cause, right? No pain, no gain. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and think of the end result. And it is rather "fun" to be going through this along with Grace and Naomi. (Do I have a skewed idea of what is fun?)
 

Silly little Claire loves to photo bomb!

The kids were performing in a concert on Friday night, so I drove over to be able to enjoy it. These are all homeschooled kids, in different choirs on different levels. The directors are professionally trained with various degrees so the quality of the music the kids produce is amazing. It's really a pleasure to sit through the program (not tortuous like some kids' productions!). Grace had a violin piece that she played with the choir on one of the songs and she did a fantastic job. It's one of my favorite songs: Gloria by Vivaldi. Grace and Aiden were in the oldest choir and Claire was in the Prima Choir. Naomi and Asher were not involved because they had been participating in another activity this fall.

On Friday afternoon, Dawn met me at COHV (Care One Harmony Village) to visit with Andy. When we were leaving, one of the PT's met us and asked if I had seen their "new" spa. I said I knew about it but hadn't really been inside. So he took Dawn and me in and showed us around. He turned on all the blue lights, the calming music and the water therapy, then proceeded to show how the massage chair worked. He took out his phone and showed me a video of Andy's tremors and how bad they were, but then he took Andy to the spa and had him relax on the chair. In only a few minutes, his tremors had ceased - and he showed me the video he had taken when Andy's tremors were under control.

This is so amazing to me about this place. The staff are so caring and really make an effort to love their residents. I'm so impressed that they take videos of the residents, then show the videos of Andy to me when I come in. Videos take up lots of space on iphones, but this is just another indication that they are caring and love the people they work with.

The PT told me I could take Andy in to the spa if I see his tremors are causing him anxiety. And he proceeded to show me how to turn everything on. He also said that if the door was locked, I could ask for the key at the front desk, and if I didn't remember how to work something, the receptionist could help me because all the staff has been trained on how to set it up. I tried it tonight after dinner. It was wonderful! I turned on all the blue lights, the water therapy, the soft music and had Andy sit in the chair. Then I turned that on, the massage feature, and he sat there quietly for 15 minutes without trying to talk or do anything. So it was relaxing for me, too.

I was happy to be home yesterday to enjoy the snow. It snowed all day and was so beautiful. It makes everything look clean, fresh and new. Then with the sun shining today, it added sparkle to the snow. I took some pictures first thing this morning. The sun wasn't 
entirely up in the sky yet, so everything had a blue tint to it - which gives an air of mystery to the pictures.

Snow always reminds me of how clean we are when we are cleansed by Jesus' blood. 

Psalm 51:7 - "Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."

Isaiah 1:18 - '"Come now, let us reason together,' says the LORD. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool'."

Natalie Grant sings a song that so graphically illustrates our state and how much we need the cleansing of Jesus:

 Clean
I see shattered
You see whole
I see broken
But You see beautiful
And You're helping me to believe
You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

What was dead now lives again
My heart's beating, beating inside my chest
Oh I'm coming alive with joy and destiny
Cause You're restoring me piece by piece

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean, oh yeah

There's nothing too dirty
that You can't make worthy
You wash me in mercy
I am clean

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I am clean

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I'm clean, I'm clean, ohhh I'm

Washed in the blood of Your sacrifice
Your blood flowed red and made me white
My dirty rags are purified
I'm clean, oh I'm clean, I'm clean
Oh You made me
You wash me
Clean
Oh You made me clean
Written by: Natalie Diane Grant-Herms, Bernhard Herms; Lyrics © MUSIC SERVICES, INC., Universal Music Publishing Group

We've been studying the book of Hebrews in the Sunday school class I've been attending. The phrase in the song above that describes our being washed in mercy reminds me of Hebrews 4:16, where we're told "we can approach God's throne of grace with confidence where we will receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

These are good reminders at this time of year when we focus on the baby in the manger, that He came with a purpose - to die for our sins. He washed us and made us clean by the sacrifice of His own life. Hallelujah! What a Savior!

There hasn't been any change - just more of the same: Andy's not well, I visit him every evening and watch him suffer. It's very distressing. 

How do I cope? I run to the Lord and look to Him and His Word to soothe my soul. Any time I'm in the car, I listen to K-Love. Most of the songs that are played speak to my heart. The authors of the songs have obviously gone through deep waters themselves because the lyrics they write lead us to God and His care. 

One I heard this past week was Magnify by We are Messengers.  

I've been trying to make sense of the sorrow that I feel
Holding on for life to the only thing that's real

I've only scratched the surface, I've barely had a taste
But just a glimpse draws my heart to change
And one side of You lays my sin to waste
I don't need to see everything
Just more of You

Take it all, take it all away
Magnify no other name
Open up, open up my eyes
To You

My sight is incomplete and I made You look small
I've been staring at my problems for way too long
Realign where my hope is set
Until You're all that's left

But just a glimpse draws my heart to change
And one side of You lays my sin to waste
I don't need to see everything
Just more of you

God, be greater than the worries in my life

Be stronger than the weakness in my mind

Be louder, let your glory come alive.

Be magnified. 

And then in this morning's reading, Spurgeon (in Morning and Evening) was expounding on 1 Peter 1:7, "the tested genuineness of your faith." Peter says our faith is more precious than gold. But faith that is not tested is not really faith.

Spurgeon says: "Untested faith may be true faith, but it is sure to be small faith, and it is likely to remain little as long as it is without trials. Faith never prospers so well as when all things are against her: tempests are her trainers, and bolts of lightning are her illuminators...Tested faith brings experience. You could not have believed your own weakness if you had not been compelled to pass through the rivers; and you would never have known God's strength if you had not been supported in the flood. Faith increases in quality, assurance, and intensity the more it is exercised with tribulation. Faith is precious, and its trial is precious, too."

Another day, I read Deuteronomy 33:27 "Underneath are the everlasting arms." This reminded me of a favorite saying of mine: "There is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still." It's a beautiful thought to comfort us that no matter how low we go, God's arms are beneath us, supporting and carrying us. And those arms of His do not grow tired or weary, (Isaiah 40:28).

A favorite verse of Andy's was: Psalm 62:11-12 ~ "One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving." 

Both those attributes of God we've heard since we were babies:

Jesus loves me, this I know

For the Bible tells me so,

Little ones to Him belong.

We are weak, but He is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me... 

As I was driving over to see Andy tonight, I couldn't help but think that I was getting kind of used to being on my own. Then I struggled not to feel guilty for enjoying the company of friends this afternoon, or that I was actually having good times in spite of his suffering. I have to bring every thought captive and continue to remind myself what is true. I know Andy would want me to enjoy my life. He would not want me to feel guilty or always be sad. In fact, one evening this past week when he was in extreme suffering, I teared up in his presence. He immediately, even as bad as he was feeling himself, asked me what was wrong. When I told him I hated to see him suffer, he tried to console and comfort me. 

A couple of evenings ago, when I took the mail over to Andy's mom and day, they were looking intently out their window. They called me over to look with them...the yard was full of deer. 

My picture shows only a few of them. I had to laugh because that very day, Ricky was off hunting. When I showed him the picture of all these deer in my yard, he said he had been hunting all day and hadn't seen even one deer! Oh, the irony!

Through it all, I pray that the experiences I am going through will not be wasted, that God will be magnified in how I deal with the disappointments and heartaches that he allows, that I will be able to see the goodness of his hand in every moment of every day. But this can only happen because of His dwelling in me. "For apart from me, you can do nothing," Jesus said in John 15:5. 

I need Him - this is too much for little me.

We've had some incredibly beautiful fall weather and I've taken advantage of it. But today is a rainy, gray, dreary day and I'm feeling glum. So as I write, I'm hoping that remembering the goodness of the Lord this past week will help lift me up a little.

Psalm 77:11-12 ~ "I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago, I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds."

I was visiting with Andy on Monday night and he said he was up to a walk around the building. While we were outside, my phone rang. It was Dawn wondering if she could come over with the kids. Andy was delighted...he always lights up when anyone of the family comes to see him.

Cole is such a sweetheart. He went to Andy, put up his arms to be held, then sat contently on his Poppop's lap.

On Wednesday evening, I stopped by Dawn's house after visiting Andy to spend some time with her and the kids. Tommy was away on a business trip so it was an opportunity to hang out with Dawn and possibly help with the kids so she wouldn't feel so alone. After the kids' baths, I read to them for a while. It brought back fond memories of when my own kids were that age. What a cozy time after baths, to snuggle with a good book.

On Friday afternoon, our church hosted a Trunk or Treat event on the parking lot. It was very well done and a lot of fun. I attended so I could be with the kids. Cole is such a sweet boy (did I mention this before!). He held onto my finger almost the whole time. He methodically put candy into his bag as it was given to him, but then made sure he had my finger again. I loved it.

Fall is beginning to color the trees. One of the prettiest trees in the fall is the sassafras with bright orange leaves, very showy and "sassy."

I had heard of a new park in the process of opening, very close to our house. I asked a friend if she wanted to explore it with me, and we decided to go for it. We weren't sure where we were going or what we were getting into, but it turned out to be a fun time together and we were out in nature.

There's a lot of work that's needed to make this into a pleasurable and easy park. At this point, the "trail" is marked with surveyor's tape on trees. There is a path, but it's not always easy to determine which way to go. I think the plan is to put gravel down which will help. An Eagle Scout troop built a bridge at one point that was low and wet, but there are a couple of other spots that could use either some planks or a bridge. I always enjoyed exploring. It gives the sensation of "going where no man has gone before." I'm sure many people have been in this woods before, but I can always pretend, right?!

The weather was cool yesterday afternoon, so I decided to tackle a bush that needed trimming. Andy always hated this bush because it has incredibly wicked thorns.

I like the bush, though, because it has cute little white flowers in the spring that develop into orange berries in the fall.

It has also been host to a number of birds who've built their nests in it in the spring. The location of the bush is right outside my kitchen window so I see it many times a day as I work. I guess you could say, I have a certain relationship with this bush. I do need to keep it trimmed back, though, because it can get out of hand. With the thorns being so lethal, they need to be kept away from the house in case we need to get by for any reason.

I know it looks pretty pathetic right now but it will fill out again, and I hope, be easier for me to prune next time.

As I was pruning this thorny bush, even being so careful, I still had a couple of scratches and punctures on my hands and arms. I couldn't help but be reminded of the crown of thorns that was pushed onto Jesus' head. "He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 55:5) All four gospels mention the crown of thorns that was placed on Jesus' head. 

Andy is not doing any better. That is to be expected. It is a degenerating disease, after all. I've noticed that his left hand is now exhibiting some tremors. It is not as bad as his right hand which is unbelievably bad. I don't know how he can stand it. Actually, I don't think he can. It is very annoying, frustrating and exhausting for his hand to shake all the time. It is so hard to visit him and be unable to do anything to alleviate his suffering. I don't think my reading to him is helping much any more. I'm not sure how much he is getting out of that. The tremor is just too distracting. I try to get him to take a walk, hoping that will give him something else to think about. But we don't get very far before he needs to turn around and go back to his bed. He just doesn't have the stamina and strength to continue. He tries...bless his heart. He wants to please me. 

I've noticed when I do his laundry these days that his t-shirts are inside out. When we were first married, I asked him to please not put his t-shirts in the laundry inside out. I didn't realize that he developed the habit of doing what I had asked until recently when I noticed that his shirts are inside out. So all those years, he set about to please me. But now that his dementia is progressing, he has forgotten about this little detail. Dear sweet Andy...always so faithful and loving even in the little things.

I got a call from the nurse this afternoon that Andy had fallen. They took his blood pressure and it was very low. He said he was dizzy. He was really out of it when I arrived at dinner time. He was in bed and it took great effort on my part to get him up and out to the dining area. He walked painfully slow. Simple instructions didn't seem to register. I and the care givers could hardly get him to the chair for him to sit down. He did eat everything on his plate but sat there in a catatonic state. I got him back to his room and helped him lie down. He promptly fell asleep. I stayed seated in the chair by his bed, just to be with him. About 30 minutes later, he woke up, was alert and speaking in complete sentences. I wonder if the nurse had given him medication for his dizziness that caused him to be so out of it.

On my way over to see Andy this evening, the Crowder band came on the radio with the song, I AM. Those words were just what I needed as I walked into the care facility.

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side.

I am
Holding on to You.
I am
Holding on to You.
In the middle of the storm
I am Holding on
I am!

Love like this, Oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!

This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why to You I run
This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why to You I run
There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace

I AM, sung by Crowder

In the difficult times, it's impossible to keep holding on...we need someone to hold on to us. Casting Crowns sings it in their song: Just Be Held:

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

Writer(s): John Mark Hall, Bernie Herms, Matthew Joseph West
Lyrics powered by www.musixmatch.com

God has promised to never leave us...He is always with us, holding on to us, giving us strength, carrying us when we're too weak, helping us soar on wings like eagles, surrounding us with his arms of love, pouring out his love and grace in ways we see and ways we have no clue. He is a good God.

 

Psalm 94:18, 19 ~ "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."