"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

If we're so tough, where do we go? Actually I think my modus operandi is more like the song Plumb sings: How many times have I cried out, "God please take this"? I am anything but tough.

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
 

Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Songwriters: Christina Wells / Luke Sheets / Tiffany Lee, Need You Now lyrics © DO Write Music LLC, Mike Curb Music

Andy had a good day last week where we were able to enjoy being together. He asked me about church. So I told him everyone who was on staff, including the three interns. After I finished the list, he was quiet, then teared up. He said, "tell everyone I love them." Oh, how touching. But then the next thing out of his mouth was: "So have you been doing any preaching lately?" Uh, no!

Then the next two nights were awful. His tremors were significant and they were distressing him. While I was there the one night, his doctor came in. I was so glad I was there, because when the doctor asked Andy how he was doing, he said "ok." I was able to talk to the doctor, questioning him on whether all the meds Andy is taking are really necessary, since they eventually lose their effectiveness. Also, one or two of them are highly potent, and do they really do what they're intended to do. I found out that to increase the meds to control his tremors cause the side effects of dizziness and low blood pressure. Several times Andy has complained of dizziness, even falling on several occasions because of extremely low blood pressure. So there's a trade off - either we do better at controlling the tremors which leads to low blood pressure and possible falls or we live with the tremors. This is very difficult to explain to Andy, though.

Christy's Claire had a birthday on Tuesday - her 6th. She wanted a bowling party and invited me to join the family and two of her friends. I didn't bowl, but sat and watched and talked to Christy. We all had a good time. Claire is quite stylish in her "bowling outfit."

And you'll never guess what kind of cake she had! E-claire cake!

You'd have to be blind not to see that Claire loves pink and frills. So she was pretty happy with the gift I gave her.

A couple of evenings were spent with Dawn and her family. Monday night she came to Care One Harmony Village while I was visiting Andy. The kids really like to go there. The ice cream parlor is a hit, but they also like writing on the white board in Andy's room.

Another evening, I stopped at Starbucks and took Dawn's favorite drink to her house where we sat and chatted and played with the kids. 

I think hanging around all those kids during the week compromised my immune system. I thought I was coming down with a cold so I started sucking on Cold Eeze losenges and going to bed with Nyquil. I woke Saturday morning feeling so slow, like I'd been drugged (like I'd taken Nyquil - ha, ha). There were things I had to get done, but I just didn't have the energy. I did a lot of resting and working in slow motion, and I did get most of my list accomplished. Then all of a sudden, I felt good right around dinner time. (The Nyquil must have worn off!)

For a while, I've been missing the privilege of hosting gatherings at our house. Andy and I felt very strongly that God gave us this house, and we wanted to use it for Him and His purposes. So over the years, we hosted many different Bible study groups and meetings, as well as having the room for our own family as we grew.

Then the Lord provided me with an opportunity to host a birthday party for a friend from church. It was special how all the details came together and pointed to my hosting the party at our house. Granted, I wouldn't have Andy to help me bring tables and chairs up from the basement, but there would be others who could help.

As it turned out, it was a beautiful afternoon in every way. Our house was full of laughter, friends and good food.

 

 

We had 8 adults and 11 children - a table and house full! It was a special blessing from the Lord that as we ate and talked together, many of those who were here mentioned how they had met "Pastor Andy" and how much he meant to them. My heart was full and I am grateful for the Lord's goodness to me.

As we go into Thanksgiving week, it is fitting to praise God for Who He is and what He has done. 

Psalm 33:1-5, 20-22
"Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him. 
Praise the LORD with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song; play skillfully and shout for joy.
for the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love...
We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."

Several weeks ago I was feeling lonely in church. When I expressed this to a friend, she suggested that it might be better for me to spend more time at church, surrounding myself with friends. She reminded me that weekends seem interminable by myself, and staying at church longer than just an hour might be helpful.

So for the last couple of weeks, I've been attending an adult SS class at 9:30, then the church service at 11:00. This gives me more time hanging out with people I know, as well as sitting under good teaching. I have been pleasantly surprised by the SS class. The teacher has been excellent, and I've been enjoying the subject matter. He is currently teaching on the Psalms. 

I love the Psalms...they're my "go-to" reading material when I am feeling low. Something I hadn't heard before on the psalms is that the Bible is God's inspired Word to us, but the psalms are our words and feelings to God. Yes, they're still the inspired Word of God, but they express the very human and sometimes, earthy feelings we have as we face difficult circumstances. The Psalmist expresses frustration, anger, despair, depression, happiness, grief, praise - a whole gamut of emotions. Because God included these expressions in His Word, it gives legitimacy to our own emotions. 

For instance, Psalm 6 resonated with me a couple of evenings ago where David says his soul is in anguish. He says he is faint and his bones are in agony, he is worn out with groaning and floods his bed all night with weeping. His couch is drenched in tears. His eyes grow weak with sorrow. But even though he enumerates in great detail his anguish, he doesn't leave God out of the equation. He remembers that the Lord hears his prayer when he asks for mercy and deliverance. 

And then there are Psalms 42 and 43 where the psalmist speaks to himself, asking three times why he is downcast. "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" Then he answers himself by admonishing himself to "Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." This is the only way to climb out of the pit of despair, to take our eyes off ourselves and our situation and look to Jesus. He's where our hope lies. He is our HOPE.

I love the Casting Crowns song: O My Soul:
Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary from fearing
You lost control
This was the one thing
You didn't see coming
And no one would blame you though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away
So no one knows
No one will see
If you stop believing

 [Chorus]
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

[Verse 2]
Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise
That someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now
He is breathing on your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was
Ash and stone
This much I know

 [Bridge]
I'm not strong enough
I can't take anymore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
And my shipwrecked faith
Will never get me to shore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
Can he find me here?
Can he keep me, from going under?
Written by: JOHN MARK HALL, BERNIE HERMS  Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

I love that phrase: "there's a place where fear has to face the God you know." God's perfect love casts out fear. He is not the author of fear and if we are his child, we are no longer a slave of fear. God loves me perfectly and I don't need to fear the future or the uncertainties of that future.

I had a busy week. I don't think I could have fit one more thing into my schedule on Tuesday. I had a hair appointment first thing, then met Dawn and kids at Care One to visit Andy, went to a friend's house for lunch, had a Dr. appointment for myself at 3:15, went back to visit Andy again at dinner time, then met Dawn at Starbucks to hang out for an hour or so. Whew!

Andy's appointment on Wednesday went well. He was pretty lethargic, walking very slowly and not at all agitated. I know people were praying about that outing and I'm very grateful. I was thinking he was getting an MRI, but as it turned out, it was a CT scan instead. The MRI is what makes him claustrophobic, so I was happy he didn't have to have that test. The technicians and nurses prepping him for the testing were kind and patient with him, but he was so unresponsive to their requests to slide down or position himself differently on the table. I helped with him as long as I could before I needed to leave for the actual test itself (for my own protection).

Yesterday I drove up to Christy's house so we could make plans for our vacation. We planned our menu for the two weeks we'll be together, as well as checked out things to do in the places we'll be staying. 

While there, I was able to play a couple of games with the kids. I played Phase 10 with Claire. I won every hand and she was writing down our scores after each hand. She would write down a 0 for me, then giggle. It was so cute. I assured her that in another year or so, she would start beating me at games, just like her older brothers and sisters do. She insisted she didn't want her older sister to help her, which helped me to keep winning!

Last night when I visited Andy, he was actually feeling pretty good. He was almost like his old self. But tonight was a different story again. His tremors wouldn't stop and he said he felt so awful. He again brought up about going to "be with Jesus." I can't help but feel so bad for him. I also almost feel guilty that I feel so good and I'm having a great time with family and friends. But even though I'm enjoying my life, I do miss him being a part of it. I don't like leaving him at Care One even though he is getting good care, and I know it's where he needs to be. 

When he first moved there, he would say it doesn't seem right for us to be living in separate places. Well, that's how I feel, too. But I keep reminding us both that he's in God's hands and God is right there with him, as He is with me, too.

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 
'Where is your God?'
These things I remember as I pour out my soul; 
how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, 
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? 
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life."
Psalm 42:1-5, 8)

Claire Bear

We hadn't been to see C & C for a long time because we have to drive major highways to get there. And Andy and I have not had good experiences with that since his illness. 

But Claire had a birthday yesterday and it was important to celebrate such a momentous occasion. Christy had originally said they would come down to us (she's so thoughtful), but they will be making the trip twice this month, so I thought - "you know...we just need to conquer our angst in the car."

So I talked to Andy about it and we both agreed we would relax and not get uptight on the trip. I found that it helps to put on a cd and listen. I think it helps to distract him from my driving (not that I drive like a maniac!). We ended up with a calm and pleasant trip today.

We left after church and arrived at Christy's by 12:30. She served us lunch and we listened to the kids play pieces on the piano. They are all really good, even Asher, who just started this fall with lessons. 
 

Claire was adding to the "music" by tooting the horn. She was so confident she was doing a good job and not too happy when the older kids wanted her to stop!


She had started taking violin lessons and when I asked her how that was going, she told me she wasn't taking lessons any more because she wasn't "cooperating" - her word! Well, she is only 4 - maybe in another year or two she'll be ready to practice and cooperate!


We had carrot cake for dessert, then Claire opened her present from us. She loves her princess dress.