God continues to pour out his lavish grace on me. His mercies are new every day, multiple times a day.

In Sunday school class this morning, we read Lamentations 3 and were amazed at how awful Jeremiah's life was, all the horrible things he was experiencing. He is very detailed in his suffering:
"My skin and flesh grow old and my bones are broken (verse 4);
I am besieged and surrounded with bitterness and hardship (verse 5);
I dwell in darkness like those long dead (verse 6);
I am walled in so I cannot escape and am weighed down with chains (verse 7);
I am mangled and left without help (verse 11);
I am a target for arrows (verse 12);
I am a laughingstock of all my people, they mock me all day long (verse 14);
My teeth are broken with gravel and I am trampled in the dust (verse 16);
I have been deprived of peace, I have forgotten what prosperity is (verse 17).

But in spite of all these awful descriptive pictures of his terrible suffering, Jeremiah concludes:
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:21-23)

Is Jeremiah being realistic? I would wholeheartedly say yes, he is. I have experienced the goodness of the Lord in spite of going through suffering. I think his goodness is more evident when we are desperate, when there's no where to go except to the Good Shepherd, where we receive everything we need and lack nothing.

The intensity of my suffering has eased. In fact, in a way, I don't feel like I am suffering at all right now. For five years, I was so consumed with Andy's illness, making sure he was being taken care of, worrying about how to pay for his care, making decisions without his input, and generally, getting used to being a widow even though I technically wasn't one yet. But all that is now behind me. It feels like there has been closure, with a new chapter opening up before me.

That doesn't mean I don't think about Andy any more. On the contrary, I think of him all the time. And I expect that I'll always carry him in my heart. Having done life with him for 44 years makes a difference in the way I live my life now.

There are a number of changes that will be coming my way in the near future. This is helping me to have purpose to my life. I have a future and a hope, as Jeremiah says in Jeremiah 29:11.

I had another grandchild over this past weekend. This time it was 8 year old Katy. She chose to watch The Fox and the Hound and decided to watch it as a fairy.

Speaking of thinking of Andy at every moment of the day, one of the songs in the movie was Goodbye May Seem Forever:

Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart's a memory 
And there you'll always be. 

Yes, how true. It was hard not to get choked up on that one.

Katy has a wonderful imagination, and it was fun to play with her on some of her fantasies. When she woke up on Saturday morning, she was a vet healing the broken leg of a hurt dog.

We had a good time together, eating ice cream, watching a Veggie Tales video, coloring, playing with Kira, playing some games, and taking a hike. The weather was so inviting for hiking, and we went over to Black Run Preserve again. The leaves are past their peak, I think, but there was still enough color to make the walk a delightful excursion.

We found a very big leaf...bigger than Katy's head.

All in all...another beautiful weekend spent with one of my grandchildren.

We sang a song this morning in church with the lyrics in the chorus:

Oh Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
It's Your endless love pouring down on us
You have made us new, now life begins with You
from Death Arrested by Adam Kersh, Brandon Coker, Heath Balltzglier, and Paul Taylor

I love the imagery of grace washing over me. Another song describes grace as an ocean, then goes on to add: "we're all sinking."


Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin!


John 1:16 ~ "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."

Romans 5:17 ~ "For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ."

2 Corinthians9:8 ~ "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Ephesians 1:7, 8 ~ "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

Ephesians 2:7 ~ "...In the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus."

Thank God for his amazing grace!

While  I was in Maine, I was reading Elisabeth Elliot's book, The Path of Loneliness. This was such an applicable book for me at this time. She was a widow twice, and I resonated with much of what she wrote.

I have been telling people when they ask me how I'm doing: "Amazingly well. People must be praying for me because God is lavishing his grace and mercy on me."

Then I came across this in Elisabeth Elliot's book:
"I did not cry at the memorial service for my first husband. It seemed very strange to onlookers, I'm sure -- 'She must be made of concrete!' -- but I am not the only one who has experienced this. It often happens that those whose loss is greatest receive the greatest share of grace, mercy and peace. This does not mean that they never cry, of course. But they do not collapse. Those who only watch and pray and try to put themselves in the place of the bereaved find it almost unendurable. Sometimes they weep uncontrollably, for their imaginations never include the grace."

She goes on to say that the "peace given simply passes understanding, and I am borne up by those intense prayers, as if on strong wings, far above grief."

Yes and Yes...so it is with me. Who can explain it except to say that "God is the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Another chapter in her book is titled, The Gift of Widowhood. She says that everything is a  gift, another assignment. How can she say such a thing? Widowhood a gift? She reminds us that "there would be no widowhood if there was no death. The inexorable love of God allowed me to become a widow. The Lord of Hosts is absolutely sovereign. He holds power over the universe, He holds authority over my life - not because He usurps the rights with which He endowed me in creation, but because I had specifically asked Him to be Lord of my life."

Are we serious when we pray, "not my will, but yours be done, Lord"? How often do we sing: "I surrender all"? Do we mean it? Do we trust God that he really does know what is best for us? These are hard questions. I suppose it is easier for certain personality types to be more compliant and trusting, but even then, we can really do nothing in our own strength apart from the grace of God providing for my endurance in whatever comes my way.

I believe God is enabling me to continue living, and not collapsing in utter despair. I am the recipient of many blessings and I'm grateful that He has given me eyes to see and enjoy those blessings. He has given me so many grandchildren that I could have one over once a month and occupy my whole year in that way.

Since I returned from Maine, I'm trying to get caught up on having the grandkids over for a sleepover with me. I got a little behind because of going on vacation in June, then being involved with Andy's illness and funeral.

I was able to have Chase over the end of September (see previous post). Last Saturday was Naomi's turn. We watched a lot of movies together, and it was so therapeutic to laugh together. We watched 2 Love Bug movies and several Andy Griffith episodes. We giggled at the silly expressions and antics of Barney Fife.

We also got in a hike at Palmyra Cove along the Delaware River. The weather was lovely. Naomi told me she was glad that I walked briskly and didn't lag behind. I took that as a compliment since I'm 56 years older than she is!

In the middle of the week, I went back to Palmyra Cove with a friend and we hiked the same trail. Again, it was a lovely day - perfect fall weather.

There was activity in the tidal pool with lots of gulls, but also at least 6 egrets. They were pretty far away from us so the pictures didn't turn out too well.

On our way out of the park, we paused to take pictures of deer that were in the woods right beside the road. They were very calm, not at all frightened of us. They were probably as curious about us as we were thrilled to be looking at them.

The sky was so blue, making a beautiful backdrop to this craggy old willow tree.

Then on Friday, Amy drove down with Joanna and Katy to leave Joanna for her turn with Grammy. She loved playing games, and we playing almost continually. I taught her a few new ones. She caught on quickly to the rules of the games and joined the tradition of all my other grandkids by beating me most of the time. Fortunately, they don't seem to hold it against me that I'm just not able to win when I play with them. (Actually, I think it boosts their self image to beat me!)

We also took a hike on Saturday morning...to another of my favorite places: Black Run Preserve. It was pretty dreary, but at least it wasn't raining, and wasn't too hot or too cold. There were hints of color in the leaves. I love the enthusiasm of the kids when they're hiking. I'm impressed with how observant they are, noticing details that I often miss.

We got back to the house, had our lunch, then picked up Kira to join us at the movies. 

What a fun weekend. Now it's back to my quiet house but I must say, I don't mind. I like both having the kids and having quiet. 

Elisabeth Elliot says that there is a difference between loneliness and being alone. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely. And that, too, is a gift. There is value in alone time. The Bible often speaks of and encourages us to "Be still and know that I am God." It's hard to know God when we're busy and distracted with many activities and things. But when we're quiet, we have  time to contemplate God and His goodness, thanking Him for the gifts He gives. Everything we have is a gift from Him.

Widowhood is a gift...it's a new beginning, an opportunity to watch God provide for my needs, to be my Protector and Caregiver. "The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow." Psalm 146:9

Children are a gift..."[They] are a reward from Him...Blessed is the [Grammy] whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:3, 5

Alone time is a gift..."In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15 "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

 

We've had some incredibly beautiful fall weather and I've taken advantage of it. But today is a rainy, gray, dreary day and I'm feeling glum. So as I write, I'm hoping that remembering the goodness of the Lord this past week will help lift me up a little.

Psalm 77:11-12 ~ "I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago, I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds."

I was visiting with Andy on Monday night and he said he was up to a walk around the building. While we were outside, my phone rang. It was Dawn wondering if she could come over with the kids. Andy was delighted...he always lights up when anyone of the family comes to see him.

Cole is such a sweetheart. He went to Andy, put up his arms to be held, then sat contently on his Poppop's lap.

On Wednesday evening, I stopped by Dawn's house after visiting Andy to spend some time with her and the kids. Tommy was away on a business trip so it was an opportunity to hang out with Dawn and possibly help with the kids so she wouldn't feel so alone. After the kids' baths, I read to them for a while. It brought back fond memories of when my own kids were that age. What a cozy time after baths, to snuggle with a good book.

On Friday afternoon, our church hosted a Trunk or Treat event on the parking lot. It was very well done and a lot of fun. I attended so I could be with the kids. Cole is such a sweet boy (did I mention this before!). He held onto my finger almost the whole time. He methodically put candy into his bag as it was given to him, but then made sure he had my finger again. I loved it.

Fall is beginning to color the trees. One of the prettiest trees in the fall is the sassafras with bright orange leaves, very showy and "sassy."

I had heard of a new park in the process of opening, very close to our house. I asked a friend if she wanted to explore it with me, and we decided to go for it. We weren't sure where we were going or what we were getting into, but it turned out to be a fun time together and we were out in nature.

There's a lot of work that's needed to make this into a pleasurable and easy park. At this point, the "trail" is marked with surveyor's tape on trees. There is a path, but it's not always easy to determine which way to go. I think the plan is to put gravel down which will help. An Eagle Scout troop built a bridge at one point that was low and wet, but there are a couple of other spots that could use either some planks or a bridge. I always enjoyed exploring. It gives the sensation of "going where no man has gone before." I'm sure many people have been in this woods before, but I can always pretend, right?!

The weather was cool yesterday afternoon, so I decided to tackle a bush that needed trimming. Andy always hated this bush because it has incredibly wicked thorns.

I like the bush, though, because it has cute little white flowers in the spring that develop into orange berries in the fall.

It has also been host to a number of birds who've built their nests in it in the spring. The location of the bush is right outside my kitchen window so I see it many times a day as I work. I guess you could say, I have a certain relationship with this bush. I do need to keep it trimmed back, though, because it can get out of hand. With the thorns being so lethal, they need to be kept away from the house in case we need to get by for any reason.

I know it looks pretty pathetic right now but it will fill out again, and I hope, be easier for me to prune next time.

As I was pruning this thorny bush, even being so careful, I still had a couple of scratches and punctures on my hands and arms. I couldn't help but be reminded of the crown of thorns that was pushed onto Jesus' head. "He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 55:5) All four gospels mention the crown of thorns that was placed on Jesus' head. 

Andy is not doing any better. That is to be expected. It is a degenerating disease, after all. I've noticed that his left hand is now exhibiting some tremors. It is not as bad as his right hand which is unbelievably bad. I don't know how he can stand it. Actually, I don't think he can. It is very annoying, frustrating and exhausting for his hand to shake all the time. It is so hard to visit him and be unable to do anything to alleviate his suffering. I don't think my reading to him is helping much any more. I'm not sure how much he is getting out of that. The tremor is just too distracting. I try to get him to take a walk, hoping that will give him something else to think about. But we don't get very far before he needs to turn around and go back to his bed. He just doesn't have the stamina and strength to continue. He tries...bless his heart. He wants to please me. 

I've noticed when I do his laundry these days that his t-shirts are inside out. When we were first married, I asked him to please not put his t-shirts in the laundry inside out. I didn't realize that he developed the habit of doing what I had asked until recently when I noticed that his shirts are inside out. So all those years, he set about to please me. But now that his dementia is progressing, he has forgotten about this little detail. Dear sweet Andy...always so faithful and loving even in the little things.

I got a call from the nurse this afternoon that Andy had fallen. They took his blood pressure and it was very low. He said he was dizzy. He was really out of it when I arrived at dinner time. He was in bed and it took great effort on my part to get him up and out to the dining area. He walked painfully slow. Simple instructions didn't seem to register. I and the care givers could hardly get him to the chair for him to sit down. He did eat everything on his plate but sat there in a catatonic state. I got him back to his room and helped him lie down. He promptly fell asleep. I stayed seated in the chair by his bed, just to be with him. About 30 minutes later, he woke up, was alert and speaking in complete sentences. I wonder if the nurse had given him medication for his dizziness that caused him to be so out of it.

On my way over to see Andy this evening, the Crowder band came on the radio with the song, I AM. Those words were just what I needed as I walked into the care facility.

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side.

I am
Holding on to You.
I am
Holding on to You.
In the middle of the storm
I am Holding on
I am!

Love like this, Oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!

This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why to You I run
This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why to You I run
There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace

I AM, sung by Crowder

In the difficult times, it's impossible to keep holding on...we need someone to hold on to us. Casting Crowns sings it in their song: Just Be Held:

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

Writer(s): John Mark Hall, Bernie Herms, Matthew Joseph West
Lyrics powered by www.musixmatch.com

God has promised to never leave us...He is always with us, holding on to us, giving us strength, carrying us when we're too weak, helping us soar on wings like eagles, surrounding us with his arms of love, pouring out his love and grace in ways we see and ways we have no clue. He is a good God.

 

Psalm 94:18, 19 ~ "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' Your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul."

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in You I trust, O my God.
Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Good and upright is the LORD;
All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
Psalm 25 (selected verses)

The sleeping pill is not working any more as is evidenced by numerous wakings in the night. Last night, as an example, Andy woke up 7 times, each time, needing me to help him get to the bathroom. This involves turning on the light, guiding him the right direction, then giving minute instructions for a simple task. I'm really amazed that I don't feel worse than I do. It's obvious that God is giving me the strength to do the task he has called me to. That reminds me of David's boast in the Lord: "With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." (2 Samuel 22:30 & Psalm 18:29)

Yesterday was another beautiful fall day but I'm thinking it might be the last for a while. The temperature was 60 degrees and I just couldn't stay inside, so after walking around our yard, we got in the car and went over to Trotters Crossing - a nearby park in Mt. Laurel.

We walked almost a mile and Andy did well the whole time. He seems to be anxious and restless - a new phase of the disease? He is constantly pacing around the house, moving and not sitting still, even for a movie. It may be a result of his Parkinson's, which may also be why he's not sleeping well. He twitches and jerks all night long. Poor guy.

We also stopped in to see Dawn and her family, although the two youngest kids were napping. They have a lot of leaves to rake up.

Paul Tripp has an email he sends out every Wednesday morning that I get, Wednesday's Word. This week was a good reminder that people with Alzheimer's aren't the only ones who forget.


We all do it, probably every day. It has a much bigger impact than we realize. The scary thing is, we barely recognize that we're doing it.
What is this thing we all tend to do? We forget the generosity of God.
In the busyness and self-centeredness of our lives, we forget how much we have been blessed by grace. The fact that he blesses us when we deserve nothing (except for wrath and punishment) fades from our memories like a song whose lyrics we once knew but now cannot recall.
Every morning, God's generosity greets us in at least a dozen ways, but we barely recognize it as we frenetically prepare for our day. When we lay our exhausted heads down at night, we often fail to look back on the many gifts that dripped from God's hands into our little lives.

I like the way he describes God's gifts as "dripping from His hands." God's Word also depicts God as being lavish in the gifts he gives us and rich in love. And what about Ephesians 3:20 that portrays Christ's love as surpassing knowledge. Verse 20 promises that He is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. He is constantly working on our behalf, giving us good gifts because of his great love for us. 

Oh, God, give me eyes to see your goodness and not focus on my circumstances. I want to be consumed with God and His goodness and not this momentary trial. 

I am very thankful for the help I am receiving in the mornings in getting Andy and myself ready for the day. I'm actually surprised at myself that I can adapt to the new way of life in our house (only by God's grace), but what a special blessing to get some relief when someone else can assist. 

I am also very grateful for The Tender, providing me a much needed break from caring for Andy - 5 hours a day/5 days a week. 

This week we celebrate Thanksgiving and we do have a lot to be thankful for, most of all, our blessed Savior, who gave his life that we might have life eternal.

Humility

I had several opportunities this week to rise above my circumstances and trust God, but I didn't do very well.

On Tuesday, God provided someone who actually came to our house to help me enroll Andy in Medicare. The process is complicated and I was very grateful for that person who gave his time to teach and help me understand, then process Andy's application. He worked with me for 2 hours. What a gift. In spite of my thankfulness for this help, I was also overwhelmed because we didn't finish, and I need to continue the process. Granted, this man offered to help me if I got stuck or had questions. But I couldn't help feeling "at sea" because Andy is on so many medications and several of them are very expensive. I know enough of the Medicare prescription plans to know that you have to pay for the plan, then there are co-pays you also have to pay, which aren't necessarily cheap, especially if you are on expensive medications.

Thinking of all this started me on a downward spiral so that by Thursday, I was selling our house and moving to an assisted living facility. I was a mess.

On top of that, there was a change in one of Andy's medications which probably contributed to his not feeling well for several days. In fact, he not only felt ill, he was also a lot more confused and forgetful. This always leads to my fearfulness and anxiety and worry about the future.

Thankfully, God didn't leave me there. On Thursday, a dear friend met with me and listened to all my fears and held me as I cried. She didn't lecture me or preach to me, she just listened to me, empathized and loved me, and promised to pray for me.  

That evening, I felt the need for some soul food and God led me to take down Humility off my book shelf.  It's a short little book but packed full of spiritual truth.



Jesus, God himself, humbled himself to become nothing, to become a servant. Think about this, Jesus becoming nothing. I just can't wrap my mind about the fact that God the Son, left heaven, to enter Mary's womb. He became so small he wouldn't even be able to be seen without a microscope - he really did become nothing. Not only that, but his whole life was humble, from his birth in a stable, to his life as a servant to his disciples and everyone else 0who wanted to be healed or ministered to, to his death as a criminal. 

Thinking of Jesus' humility led to remembering his mother Mary's response to the angel when she was told she was going to give birth to the Messiah. She said, "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1)

I was convicted of my lack of humility and realized I was focused on me, myself and I. That is pretty depressing! How prone I am to forget that God has a perfect plan for my life, and it is to perfect me and make me more like Jesus and bring him glory. I still have a lot of rough edges that need to be knocked off.

And when you think about it, Jesus was willing to be obedient to the Father's plan even though he knew exactly what was going to happen to him. He didn't have his own agenda but followed through to every exact detail of the Father's plan. So many times, I find my own spirit digging in my heels when I think about the circumstances the Lord is allowing me to go through. Far too many times, I am far from humble. I am a strong willed child wanting my own way and wishing I lived on Easy Street.

Then yesterday morning, I was reading in James 1:12 that the one who perseveres under trial is blessed because "when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." My desire is to be able to persevere in the strength he supplies, not so I can have a reward, but so that I have something to give back to him. Because of course, I can't do this in my own strength. Revelation 4:10 reveals a little of the worship we will be participating in in heaven where the saints will worship Jesus forever and ever and lay their crowns before the throne. He is the one who is "worthy, to receive the glory and honor and power..."

Not everything this week was difficult or sad. On Wednesday, I left work early, got Andy and we went to Dawn's to stay with Kasey until she woke up from her nap. Kira had a dentist appointment. Andy and I just sat in the living room until Kasey woke up. It was a very easy assignment! Even when she woke up, she was content to sit on my lap and be held. As she woke up a little, she was happy to play with my phone. It's amazing that a one year old knows how to look at the pictures, as well as take pictures on the phone.
 

Then I couldn't help going around our property with my phone snapping pictures of the beautiful foliage. I think I am bordering on needing therapy because of my obsession with all those red, orange, yellow  and maroon colors against that blue sky.

Yesterday, after a morning taking care of laundry and some bushes that needed to be trimmed, we headed on out for a walk in the park. We've been to Smithville Park many times - it's one of our favorites. Andy felt good and we must have walked at least two miles. The weather was perfect, and there were enough trees in color to add visual pleasure to our walk.

 

I didn't think we were going to go out today. We both were a little tired and the weather was threatening sprinkles. But after sitting around for an hour or so, we decided to visit another park. The sun came out intermittently and we had a nice walk along the Delaware River in Amico Island Park. This is another one of our favorites. (We have a lot of favorites!)

It's such a pleasure to drive around right now with all the autumnal beauty. Being in God's creation helps to bring perspective back. How can we ever doubt his love and care? He is such a creative and awesome God. He cares for his world and he cares for me. 

I pray my attitude can be like Mary's: "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said."