On Wallin Pond

Loneliness - it hit me on Tuesday like the proverbial ton of bricks. I was thinking of some decisions I needed to make and got to thinking how I missed Andy. When you live with someone for over 40 years, you grow accustomed to talking things over. I trusted his judgment and wisdom. He had a way of thinking through all the angles and possibilities, not jumping to quick conclusions. As I was thinking about this, I realized how lonely this journey is and couldn't hold back the tears. I sat on the floor by my bed, held a tissue on my eyes and let those tears come. They just wouldn't stop. I don't know that I have cried that hard since the beginning of this ordeal. 

Even in the midst of my crying, though, I sensed the Lord's presence. I begged him to give me direction. Should I do something, anything? Or should I keep waiting? And he gave me an answer. I got the impression that he was leading me to make two phone calls. Someone told me once that I was a worker bee. Yes, that is how I'm wired...give me a list and let me start checking things off. It gives me purpose and a sense of accomplishment - and things are going to be ok!

I made those calls after I calmed down a little. Both calls were satisfactory and encouraging, so I felt that the Lord was with me, not only sympathizing with me in my grief and loneliness, but also giving me the direction I so desperately needed. 

Through the rest of the week, God sent his "people with skin on" to comfort and support me. I had lunch with a friend on Tuesday, lunch and a movie with another friend on Saturday. There were also encounters with others the rest of the week, including meeting Dawn at Starbucks on Thursday night.

Another nor'easter came through, beginning Tuesday afternoon and lasting into Wednesday. I didn't go to work on Wednesday. In a way, I was glad because I was recovering from the crying fest of the day before. I don't know what a hangover feels like, but I'm guessing it's something like what I felt: headache, exhausted, sore eyes. 

I thought Tommy might come over at some point to clear my driveway, so I decided to make a batch of cookies. When I had them made, I took a picture and sent it to him.

 He wrote back: "Yyyyeeeeesssss"

And he did come over to do the snow blowing. He does such a nice job, thorough and careful. I really appreciate his care of me during snow storms.

He brought Kira and Kasey with him. I thought we would have Grammy and girl time together, but unbeknownst to their parents, they had both brought ipads along. They plopped down in my cozy chairs and proceeded to enjoy their entertainment. So I had my dinner and was content that they were here with me, even if only in body!

I worked on Thursday, but took a vacation day on Friday because I was having some work done on my house and needed to be here. 

I thought it was comical that the big snow we got this week actually fell on the first day of spring. It gave everybody something to talk about. We've had a lot of snow this winter but the good point to snow in the spring is that it won't last long. And only a couple of days later, it's nearly gone except for the mountains in the parking lots or on the ends of driveways. But at this rate, they'll soon be gone, too. 

I took the picture below on Thursday and by Friday, all that snow was gone.

Out of the blue, this morning I received a text from a friend who had visited Andy last night. Here is what he texted me.

I got an opportunity to see Andy last night. Even in his infirmity, he still was pleasant, gracious and smiling. In his infirmity I see the fruit of the Holy Spirit in Him. I believe he had just laid down a little after 8 pm.

I reminisced with him, showed him pictures of the sailboat we sailed, and reminded him of good times I had with him. He was one of a few of my best friends at FBC. I told him that. We read some scripture together. We laughed together. You married a good and sweet, gentle and humble man. I told him I still considered him as my pastor and that he ministered to me effectively while at FBC and he was used by the Lord to lead me to want to remove any other idols in my life from before the Father.

I told him he was a good man, an honorable Christian man, a good husband and father and friend (the best), that encouraged my heart the way he lived. You married a good man Phyllis. I am praying for you and your family and Andy right now.
I love you all.
I'm thankful to have known him. It is not the years of life, but the life in those years that I am thankful for...
Sincerely, in Christ,

How kind of the Lord to encourage me in this way. 

Every morning, I usually wake up long before the alarm goes off. As I lie there, He reminds me that "His compassions are new every morning and great is His faithfulness (Lamentations 3:23). My tendency is to wonder how I'm going to make ends meet financially, but the other day I was reminded that in all the times Andy changed jobs, we never missed a paycheck. He went right from one job to the next, no waiting for months, wondering how we would make it. When we left college and moved to Portland, Oregon, I got an amazing job and he got several to help pay for seminary and our bills. When he graduated from seminary and we moved back to NJ, he again found an immediate job. Then we moved back west for his Associate Pastor job in Washington. Six years later, we moved back east. He called a former boss and was told he could come back to that job. He worked for a number of years in secular jobs, learning and growing in his knowledge of skills that were useful to his job as Associate Pastor at our current church. Even in so many job changes and moves, God provided in incredible ways. I know that someday I will look back at what I'm going through now and be able to see how God continued to provide. 

But for now, because I can't see the future, I need to trust Him. This is a life of faith we are called to live and this is what pleases him. My faith is weak and I need him to provide even that - which He does. Even our faith is a gift from God. (Ephesians 2:8)

Another way the Lord encourages me is through humor. As I was thinking about my loneliness, I remember a song my mother liked to sing when I was a kid. If we were having a bad attitude, this song would always lighten the mood. I wondered if I could find it on the internet and I did. Here are the words and you can click on the link and listen to it if you are so inclined.

I'm a Lonely Little Petunia in an Onion Patch
Of all the saddest words 
That I have ever heard 
The saddest is the story 
Told me by a bird 
He had spent about an hour 
Chatting with a flower 
and here ís the tale the flower told 

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch
and all I do is cry all day 

Boo hoo, boo hoo

The air is so strong it takes my breath away
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
oh won't you come and play with me

Who put me in this bed?
I'll bet his face is red
I call him down with every teardrop that I shed
If I only had him here
I'd take him by the ear
And make him share my misery

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,
an onion patch, an onion patch
I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch,  
and all I do is cry all day

Boo hoo, boo hoo

The air is so strong it takes my breath away

(Feee-you!)

I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch, 
oh won't you come and play with me?

Well, I don't need onions to make me cry. And I also don't cry all day. As sad as life can be, there is much to be thankful for. God is bigger than our problems. He cares for us. He provides for us in ways we see and in ways we don't see. 

"Faith does not know why in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God who knows why in terms of the ultimate." (Os Guinness in Be Still My Soul, page 38)

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1).