"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." (Luke 10:41)

This is my life at the moment: at sea, adrift, worried about many things, confused, unsettled. I suppose it doesn't help that there are so many changes taking place. I retired, and although I knew it was time, this is another change to the routine of my life. I'm thrilled that I have been able to sleep each morning till I wake up; no alarm after a lifetime of getting up early.

The pastors threw a retirement party for me on Wednesday, my last day. I was so honored and pleased with how they celebrated me and my years of working with them.
 

I took home most of the flowers that were used for decorations and filled three vases with tulips and some roses.

 

There were around 26 people that attended the party and all of them wrote a card full of nice words to and about me.

Then on Sunday morning, Pastor announced to the congregation that I retired after 26 years of working in the church office. He put up a slide with my picture and a list of adjectives that people had used to describe me. It felt a little awkward to me, and I felt my knees go weak but I was thankful that now everyone knows, and I don't have to keep telling people I'm no longer in the office.

You would think that with all this affirmation and positive attention, I would be up on Cloud 9. What was the matter with me? Then the Lord led me to an article that Alisha Bozarth had posted. She is an author who lost her husband in an automobile accident several years ago. She has a beautiful way with words, and her article, Widowhood is More Than... really hit the nail on the head for me. The reason I was struggling in spite of good things happening is because I couldn't share those blessings with the one I love. I think it is ok to reprint her words here. I don't see that it is copyrighted material, and she notes at the bottom of her article that it can be shared.

Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And he's not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without him you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without him.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not his spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for [44] years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

Yes. It is much more than simply missing his presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.
Widowhood…..is life changing.


So reading this and re-reading it, identifying with her words, feeling what she is describing - I consider it a gift from the Lord to help me realize I'm not alone. There are other people who are going through a similar loss. Grieving is natural and normal, and it helps to explain why I am feeling so confused. There are decisions that need to be made, things I need to do, but I don't have the motivation or inclination to do them. It's so much more motivating to do a job if you can share it with your loved one and have him be happy with you on how much you accomplished today. And of course, it's also added incentive if he helps you with that task.

I do feel like Martha, though. I have so many things I need to do, decisions that need to be made, things that are swirling around in my head. But Jesus told Martha that only one thing is needed: to sit at Jesus' feet, listen to his life-giving words, rest in the joy of who he is, just be in his presence. (Luke 10:42) He promises that if we come to him, he will give rest for our souls.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

This morning I read in New Morning Mercies: "Because he controls the details of your life, he is always near; at any moment, you can reach out and touch him. Rest is only ever found in trusting the One who has everything figured out for your good and his glory. Because he is wise, gracious, faithful, and powerful, he is worthy of your trust and is alone able to give your heart rest."

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." ~ Psalm 27:14

I wonder which is better: to be busy with family and friends or to stay home and "enjoy" alone time. It doesn't seem to matter because in either scenario, without any warning, I can be on the verge of tears. The thought of spending the rest of my life without Andy is so painful. I wish I could keep from thinking about that...but that's impossible.

I'm trying to keep busy. Last weekend I had Asher over for 2 nights, then took him home on Sunday. It was his birthday on Jan. 31. He turned 11 and it was such a pleasure to have him. He's fun-loving and a good conversationalist. We played 22 games of "greedy" and watched 4 movies, as well as took a very nice long hike at Palmyra Cove Nature Center. It was pretty cold but the sun was shining and we were dressed warm.

I drove Asher back Sunday morning so I went to church with the family, then we celebrated his birthday with a very nice lunch/dinner before I came back home.

And yesterday we celebrated two more birthdays: Cole turned 3 on Feb. 1 and Kasey will be 5 on Feb. 8. Dawn made a Barbie cake that both kids were excited about, yes, even Cole. Probably in another year or so, she'll have to attempt a Super-Hero cake for him.

I'm trying to keep myself centered on Scripture and the love of the Lord for me, His child. I recently subscribed to the Desiring God website, where they send me daily articles. This morning, there was a feature by Vaneetha Risner that ministered to me. The Executive Editor of Desiring God introduced her article with these words:

From psalms and prophecies to epistles, the Bible did not come to people on extended vacations. They were suffering. Life was hard. They were desperate for a word from God.

I’m thankful when God meets me on happy days. But I have found it to be true, time and time again, that the Bible really comes alive when I’m desperate. When I’m hurting. In the worst of times. 

Vaneetha Risner has discovered something similar. “When I opened the Bible [in desperation], I needed God to feed me. . . . The more I had to search, the sweeter the manna tasted, the deeper the words penetrated, and the more precious the truths became.” Perhaps you’ve tasted something similar. Glean from Vaneetha’s story of learning to read the Bible through tears.

Her name sounded familiar to me because I had read a book she had written: The Scars That Have Shaped Me. She writes: "My scars remind me that God is sufficient and that physical perfection is not our goal. A life lived to God's glory is infinitely more valuable...My scars signify healing. And even though my initial flesh wounds have healed, there is yet a deeper healing in acceptance."

She references Michael Card's song, Known by the Scars:

The marks of death that God chose never to erase
The wounds of love's eternal war
When the kingdom comes with its perfected sons
He will be known by the scars.
 Songwriters: Michael Card

Known by the Scars lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Vaneetha reminds us that "God chose not to erase these marks of death -- the wounds of his love for us -- so our Savior will always be known by his scars. Rather than physical imperfections, Jesus's scars are breathtakingly beautiful. They represent his love and our salvation."

I spent a couple of weeks reading The Joy of Fearing God by Jerry Bridges. One of his chapters focused on the "stewardship of pain." This was interesting to think about and I liked his explanation..."If we believe God is sovereignly in control of all circumstances of our lives, then our pain is something He has given to us just as much as our time or talents or treasure. He has entrusted the pain to us as stewards to be used for His glory. How can we be good stewards of the pain God gives us? One way...is to trust Him even though we don't understand the purpose of the pain. Another way is to ask for and experience the sufficiency of His sustaining grace, as Paul did with his thorn in the flesh, to the extent that we can actually rejoice in our weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on us (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). We can then, as God gives opportunity, testify to the sufficiency of His sustaining grace. In doing so, however, we want to seek the glory of His grace, not the glory of our ability to endure."

At first I questioned the phrase that God gives us pain. As I reflected on that, though, the Lord reminded me that when Job was tested, he was not told of the conversation between God and Satan. But he praised God, trusting Him and worshiping Him with these words: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." The God gives a commentary on this statement by adding in the very next verse that "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." (Job 1:21 & 22)

And in the next chapter, after Job's wife counsels him to curse God and die, Job answers her by saying: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" And again, God comments that "in all this, Job did not sin in what he said." (Job 2:10)

People often use suffering as an indictment against God, but in reality, it is our own sin that has cursed our world. Adam and Eve in the Garden chose to disobey, even though God warned them that to do so would result in death. We live with pain and suffering here, but even though it's our, and all of humankind's, fault, He does not leave us in this sorry, pitiful condition."God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

I continue to be amazed at His love for me. I was reading in Isaiah 43 and kept my Bible open all week to this passage so that I could read and ponder it every day.

Isaiah 43:1-5
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God...Since you are precious and honored in my sight, 
and because I love you...Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Isaiah wrote these words to the Israelites as they were going into captivity, but they apply to us today, as well, because this is the character of God and how He deals with His children.

How good is the God we adore!

Grief Journey

Just when you think you're doing pretty well with this grief thing, you spend a week crying, so on the edge. I have to admit to myself that I'm still very fragile. It seems like the  smallest thing can get blown all out of proportion. Things that are really of insignificant consequence send me over the edge.

It was one of those weeks. Thankfully, the Lord ministers to me in these moments with grace and evidence that he is not condemning but carrying me in my grief. I came across an article on Friday written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. He has written a number of books on grief, but this was an article entitled, Recognize You Are Not Crazy. He wrote: "You may feel like you are surviving fairly well one minute and in the depths of despair the next. Sudden changes in mood are a difficult, yet natural, part of your grief journey. Mood changes can be small or very dramatic..."

He says you may feel like you're sailing along feeling pretty good, when out of nowhere comes this overwhelming feeling of grief. He calls this "a griefburst - a sudden, sharp feeling of grief that can cause anxiety and pain. Griefbursts may feel like 'crazybursts,' but they are normal. When and if one strikes, be compassionate with yourself. You have every right to miss the person who has died."

He goes on to differentiate between crying and sobbing. "If you're crying and sobbing a lot, you may feel like you're out of control. Sobbing is like wailing, and it comes from the inner core of your being. It is an expression of the deep, strong emotions within you. These emotions need to get out, and sobbing allows for their release. Cry as long and as hard and as often as you need. Don't try to be strong and brave for yourself or others. Tears have a voice of their own. You will be wise to allow yours to speak to you."

Reading this made me realize the timing of my retirement is right. I've been feeling that it would be nice to have the freedom to spend a day crying. There have been a number of days recently that I've been tearful but needing to suck it up, get ready for work and get out of the house. I think I need to embrace my grief and take the time I need to do it well...whatever that looks like.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with something on my mind. In wondering how everything was going to work out, God reminded me that He controls the universe. He measures the heavens with the breadth of his hand and holds the oceans in the palm of his hand. He is soooooo big and transcendent. At the same time, he sees the minutest detail, even the common sparrow that falls to the ground. Since I am worth many sparrows, do I think he does not notice and care about the things that concern me? He is not only transcendent, he is also immanent. Here with me. God with us! When I reflected on these truths about God, I felt  a peace envelope me and I was able to go back to sleep.

I am currently reading Paul Tripp's New Morning Mercies every morning. That morning's reading emphasized the faithfulness of God.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9 ~ "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." That reminded me further of the verse in 2 Timothy 2:13 that even "if we are faithless, He will  remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." I'm so glad it doesn't depend on my measly faith. Even when my faith falters, He remains faithful, because that is His character.

As a further treat yesterday morning, when I opened my blinds to greet the day, I saw this amazing sunrise.

And then wonder of wonders, Chris Tomlin's Song, Nobody Loves Me Like You came on the radio...so appropriate in the moment.

Morning, I see You in the sunrise every morning
It's like a picture that You've painted for me
A love letter in the sky

 

Story, I could've had a really different story
But You came down from heaven to restore me
Forever saved my life

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

 

Mountains, You're breaking down the weight of all my mountains
Even when it feels like I'm surrounded
You never leave my side, oh oh oh 

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

Songwriters: Scott Cash / Ed Cash

Nobody Loves Me Like You lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

I couldn't believe the beauty and was just able to get my shoes on, step out on the front porch and snap a picture. And that quickly, in the next minute, all the red was gone and the moment was over. What a treat and blessing from the God who loves me. 

In spite of the red morning, that usually indicates bad weather coming, it was a lovely day: cold but bright sun and no wind. A perfect recipe for a hike in the woods. My friend took me to a hike I had never done before, Blueberry Hill, and we had a wonderful time enjoying the gravel pit and woods.We got in about 3 miles, walking in the woods, then wandering around down in the sand pit.

Then we had a surprise when we found all these little icicles "growing" up out of the soil. Don't ask me to explain this phenomenon, just enjoy!

 

 

Isn't God amazing and creative! These amazing moments make the grief journey more bearable.