A New Year

I'm glad the holidays are over. There were many wonderful moments spent with family and friends but I couldn't help missing my favorite person in all those wonderful moments. My tear ducts got plenty of workouts these last few weeks.

I came across a very helpful article by Nancy Guthrie. I resonate with everything she writes because she obviously is acquainted with grief and not only understands it, but is able to articulate it in a way that ministers to the heart and soul.

The article I am referring to can be read in full here. I will just review her five main points. She writes to those who have recently lost someone they love and to those who would like to be able to comfort them.

1.  Even the best times are punctuated with an awareness that someone is missing.

2.  Social situations are hard.

3.  Extended family can be awkward and uneasy.

4.  Tears are not a problem.

5.  It can be hard to remember why Christmas should be so merry.

She said that "tears do not reflect a lack of faith. Tears are a gift from God that help to wash away the deep pain of loss." I have come to not mind crying. I always seem to feel better after a "good cry." And when I have those moments of crying, I remind myself that someday, Jesus will wipe all those tears away. He sees and cares.

I've tried to keep busy and spend as much time with the kids and grandkids as I can. On Christmas Eve, I left home after lunch and drove to Christy's. I went with her family to her church's Christmas Eve service. She was busy with directing two numbers with the adult choir, then two more numbers with a children's choir, as well as playing with Grace for the offertory. She did an amazing job and I was right proud of her. I know Andy would have been, too.

I stayed overnight with them. The kids said they were going to sleep downstairs by the Christmas tree and invited me to join them there, but I declined, preferring a bed.

On Christmas morning, they awoke early and got permission to open the gifts in their stockings before Christian and Christy came downstairs. I stayed to eat breakfast with them, then drove up to join Amy and her family for Christmas Day.

We had our "Wallin" Christmas on New Year's Eve. Everyone was able to be here this year...no sickies. We had our usual brunch before opening our gifts. Then we just hung out and enjoyed being together the rest of the day.

I love these family pictures. Everyone's personality comes shining through. There are a lot of us, though, aren't there???


And here are my darling daughters. Don't mind my funny face...why am I scrunching my nose? Ha, ha

I was able to fit in a couple of hikes in November with friends. We've had so much rain (will it ever stop?) that made the creeks and waterways full and overflowing.

At one point we couldn't go any further and had to turn around and go back the same way we came.

I had not been to this spot before that I could remember and was delighted to take in its beauty: Goshen Pond in the Pine Barrens.

This past weekend, Friday and Saturday, I spent with Amy and her family. I played games with the kids on Friday afternoon, stayed in their guest room overnight, then just lounged on Saturday morning. Amy wanted to take me to a little coffee shop that she likes, so we took the kids and had our coffee and hot chocolate, and shared a peanut butter brownie, before I took off for home again.

 
The process has begun toward building an in-law suite onto Dawn's house. I hired an architect and he has given me an initial set of plans. Dawn, Tommy and I looked them over, tweaked them and got a revised set. I'm happy with the architect that we are using. He is helpful, courteous, patient in explaining why certain things can't be done but mostly very professional and knowledgeable. I think we'll all be very happy with the final result. There is still lots of work for him to do, some of which include adding in electrical, heating and air conditioning, plumbing, etc. But we're on our way...

Another big change is on the horizon. I am retiring from my job in the church office after 26 years. I only have five weeks left there. It has been a wonderful job, ministering to the body of Christ using the gifts and abilities He's given me, and working in an environment that honors Christ. I will miss being there but felt God leading me that it was time to pass the baton to the younger generation.

With all that's happening this coming year, I feel like the time was right to retire. I will have more time to spend with the grandkids. It's been harder to find a time that works for them and me. As they get older, they are involved in more activities and it's been a bit of a challenge to fit them in around my work schedule.

I will also be busy with supervising and overseeing the building of the suite onto Dawn's house. Many decisions will have to be made and it will be nice to have the time to do that. I also need to go through my house and systematically decide on what to keep (not much), what to throw away and what to give away or sell - major downsizing. I have accumulated a lot of stuff, and it will require much effort to clean out the basement, two garages and the shed, let alone the living spaces in the house. Most of my furniture will not fit in a smaller suite/apartment.

I'm also hoping to fit in a few trips this year. I've had some west coast friends invite me back for a visit. I'd also like to spend some time with my sister again. And I've already got a vacation in Maine on my calendar.

2019 promises to be an interesting year...no lack of new adventures.

And isn't that just like the Lord? I'm grateful that in spite of missing dear Andy, I'm still enjoying life and the blessings the Lord gives in this life. It's an interesting phenomenon how joy and sadness can co-exist. I anticipate that I'll always miss Andy. He will never be forgotten. What I went through with his illness and loss is a part of my story. In the midst of the pain and sorrow I experienced and the grief I still experience, I have also experienced the comfort of the Lord, answers to my pleas for help, his nearness, his presence through it all. He is a good God, full of grace, love, compassion, and yes, even joy.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I can overflow with hope because "Christ is [in me], the Hope of Glory." Colossians 1:27

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas: the most wonderful time of the year...or is it?

I've been struggling with tears and the lump in my throat as I think about these holidays without my dear Andy. Listening to Christmas songs is not necessarily helpful, especially secular Christmas music.  Songs with lyrics like:

"May your days be merry and bright

"Have a holly jolly Christmas...It's the best time of the year"

"Have a happy holiday, everyone dancin' merrily"

references to mistletoe, good times, home for the holidays

"It's the most wonderful time of the year"

Then this morning, I heard Ryan Stevenson singing ThisChristmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve

And nothing's under the tree

But I'm not blue

'Cause I've got you, and baby you've got me

And this holiday

We're gonna be okay

We ain't got much

But baby we've got us, and that's all we need

Ugh...This one was so sad to me. It's not ok because I don't have my "baby." This did bring back memories though, because there were many Christmases where we were too poor to get each other gifts, agreeing to save our money for more of the necessities. The first four years of our marriage were spent in seminary, each of us working several jobs to avoid wracking up student debt.

I found a picture of our tree our first Christmas together.

 

Pretty pathetic, I know, but there's a story to go with it. Andy and a friend got a permit that cost $1 to go into the mountains near Portland and cut down their own tree. It was quite an adventure for the two guys because they had to trudge through deep snow; and the trees were growing on a mountain which made them asymmetrical. But I think Andy did pretty good in the end, and it was a tree to be proud of!

So in one sense, this is not the most wonderful time of the year, because who enjoys sadness and struggling to keep from crying and being reminded of happier past Christmases. But if we keep our focus on the present, we are overcome with despair and depression because there is so much to be sad about. However, in a conversation I had with someone the other day, he encouraged me to remember the reason for the season! It's not necessarily about family traditions, giving and receiving gifts, lots of parties and fun times. If we focus on the real meaning of Christmas, on the past, then yes, it is the most wonderful time of the year. It is the greatest story ever told. It's what gives us hope in the middle of hard times here. The Gift is the Giver! Amazing. He willingly left the safety and splendor of heaven to live with us, to become like us. Because he lived in our world, he understands the heartache and suffering that we endure. 

"He was a Man of Sorrows, familiar with grief." Isaiah 53:3

"Because He Himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

 

I've been reading Ken Gire's book, Moments with the Savior.

 

 

He has a beautiful way of writing about special moments Jesus spent with people in his three years of ministry. I'll give two examples. 

Mary Magdalene had been there when he suffered at the cross; now he is there when she is suffering at the empty tomb on Resurrection Morning. She had stood by him in his darkest hour (at the cross); now he is standing by her in hers. He had seen her tears; now he is there to wipe them away. In the triumph of the resurrection, Jesus could have paraded through the streets of Jerusalem. He could have knocked on Pilate's door. He could have confronted the Pharisees. But the first person our resurrected Lord appears to is a woman without hope. And the first words he speaks are: "Woman, why are you crying?" What a Savior we serve, or rather who serves us. For in his hour of greatest triumph, he doesn't shout his victory from the rooftops. he comes quietly to a woman who grieves...who desperately needs to hear his voice...see his face...and feel his embrace.

Or what about Peter? Can you imagine the guilt Peter felt after he denied his Lord? He must have spent every moment beating himself up, agonizing over his denial of Jesus. But Jesus is gentle and gracious, obviously forgiving Peter when they meet on the shore of the lake. He simply asks Peter: "Do you love me?" He asks three times, once for each denial. Not to rub it in, but to give Peter an opportunity to openly confess his love. Something Peter desperately needs to verbalize. By the third time Jesus asks him, Peter gets the connection, and a flame leaps from that smoldering memory. But Jesus is not there to inflict pain; he is there to relieve it. Jesus had seen his bitter tears when the rooster crowed. That was all he needed to see. That was repentance enough. Peter looks up, longing for the faintest glimmer of forgiveness. And in a language beyond words, in a language of love, it glows from the Savior's eyes. "Feed my sheep, Peter." Jesus' way of saying, "I still believe in you...I still think you're the right man for the job."

And I wrote down in my journal this morning: "Jesus is my friend. No matter how miserably I let him down, He's always there to pick me up. No matter how many times I fail Him, He is always there to forgive me. No matter how far I drift, He is always there, waiting for me to return...waiting with a comforting fire...warm food and a heart full of love."

There is great comfort in these truths. Simeon declared that Jesus was to be the consolation of Israel. (Luke 2:25) God longs to comfort his people who have suffered so much. Yes, a lot of their suffering was because of their willfulness and idolatry. But that doesn't negate God's love and compassion. Through Isaiah, he promises comfort for his people with the coming of the Lord. 

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins." (Isaiah 40:1-2)

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." (Isaiah 51:3)

"I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass..." (Isaiah 51:12)

"The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." (Psalm 145:9)

It's because of the Baby in the manger and the reason he came that this is the most wonderful time of the year. This brings hope to our darkest and loneliest times.

Merry Christmas!

I've been listening to Lauren daigle on the radio, singing, Noel.

Noel
Love incarnate, love divine
Star and angels gave the sign
Bow to babe on bended knee
The Savior of humanity
Unto us a child is born
He shall reign forevermore.

Noel, noel
Come and see what God has done
Noel, noel
The story of amazing love!
The light of the world, given for us
Noel

Son of God and Son of man
There before the world began
Born to suffer, born to save
Born to raise us from the grave
Christ the everlasting Lord
He shall reign forevermore

Noel, noel
Come and see what God has done
Noel, noel
The story of amazing love!
The light of the world, given for us
Noel
songwriters: Edmond Martin Cash, Matthew James Redman, Christopher D. Tomlin; Noel lyrics  © Capitol Christian Music Group

Because of Christmas, we have so much to be thankful for. God is with us, the best gift of all.

We had our family Christmas celebration, party time, yesterday. All the kids and grandkids were here, everyone except Andy. As usual, we had lots to eat and good, fun conversation.

The kids initiated on their own a white elephant gift exchange. 

After we ate, we opened our gifts to each other. Cole was the youngest so he opened his first. He liked what he got, but the anticipation was just as fun for me.

The little girls had fun tattooing everyone, especially Cole. He was a willing subject for them. I think he ended up with 9 tattoos all over himself.

 Earlier in the week, I was able to attend a Christmas play that Kira was starring in. She was Mrs. Claus and did a great job with her lines and acting.

Andy has seemed subdued every night this week when I visited. I made it a point to make notes after each time I saw him. By the end of the week when I update, it's hard to remember the details of each visit. The days and nights run together.

Every evening this week was pretty much the same: significant tremors in his right hand and chin. His left hand is also shaking and sometimes his right foot. He seemed subdued though. This is a change from several weeks ago when his tremors really bothered him and caused him anxiety. On Tuesday evening, there was a madrigal group of local high schoolers who put on a program for the residents of the care facility. I wasn't sure if Andy would be interested but he sat quietly through the whole program. That was a change, too, from other groups who've performed there. Maybe this is the next phase in the progression of his disease.

He is still trying to talk to me. One evening he told me he was really tired. A little later he said he was going to go to the church to sleep. Then as I was leaving, he asked me if I was going to my class. Another evening, he said something, but I couldn't understand because his words were indistinct and didn't make sense. When I told him I didn't understand what he had said, he said he didn't either.

It would be easy to become negative; in fact, I was convicted this week that that was my mental attitude. I have so much to be thankful for, even over and above the greatest gift of all: Jesus Himself. He is all I need, but He has also given me so much in this life to enjoy.

I've been struck by the phrase everyone uses to each other at this season: Merry Christmas. In a lot of ways, Christmas is hard. Hard because of circumstances. Loved ones who are precious to us are no longer a part of our celebrations. How can we be merry with all the sickness and death that we experience? We can be merry, happy, joyful because this life is not where our hope lies. Because Jesus came as a helpless, dependent baby, to be one of us, to die for our sins, rescuing us from sin's control, promising eternal life with him forever, we have HOPE. And that is something to be merry about, sing, shout and dance and celebrate about. 

Just A Baby 
Breathe, just breathe
I can hear the chaos outside
All the fear that fills up my mind
Peace, You bring me peace
The kind that I have never known
To face the journey we are on
 
Here inside this stable, on this cold December night
I wrap my arms around You, hold my miracle so tight

A baby, You're just a baby
Who came to change the world
And save the hearts of everyone
King above all kings, hear the angels sing
You're worshipped and adored
'Cause You are so much more than just a baby

Hands, tiny little hands
One day You will heal the scars
Of every broken heart
Love, oh, how You'll love
From now and through eternity
Love will be Your legacy

But right now in this stable, on this cold December night
I'll wrap my arms around You and keep You safe tonight

A baby, You're just a baby
Who came to change the world
And save the hearts of everyone
King above all kings, hear the angels sing
You're worshipped and adored
'Cause You are so much more than just a baby

Round yon virgin Mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
(Sleep in heavenly peace)

People came from near and far
Following the star to see Your face

Baby, You're just a baby
Who came to change the world
And save the hearts of everyone
King above all kings, hear the angels sing
You're worshipped and adored
'Cause You are so much more than just a baby

You're more than just a baby, yes
You're more than just a baby 
Songwriters: Mallory Hope / Molly Reed; Just A Baby lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

  
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Is it ok to brag a little???? Probably not, but I will anyway. I have finished my Christmas shopping for the family...and the presents are under the tree! I still have a few gifts to buy for friends.

I have the Christmas lights up on the bushes in the front of the house. I never had the icicles taken down, so that didn't need to be done again. But I put lights on the bushes yesterday, then someone came over to help me put the timers on them.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Last week I was struggling with sadness and worry: sad that Andy is no longer a part of our family holidays, worry because I didn't know how I was going to continue to pay for him being at such an expensive facility.

By Monday evening, I was drawn to the Psalms and was so encouraged by where God led me. 

Psalm 143:
"O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief."  (verse 1)

"My spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed." (verse 4)

"I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. 
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (verses 6-8)

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." (verse 10)

"For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble." (verse 11)

I was especially encouraged by verse 10, comforted to know God's good Spirit was going to lead me on level ground.

Then on Wednesday afternoon, the mail brought a check that I wasn't expecting. At that point, a feeling came over me that this was the beginning of God's meeting all my needs. 

And the next day, I got an email from someone who wanted to help me with the financial burden I'm carrying; the only stipulation being that they needed to remain completely anonymous. 

Psalm 146:9 says: "The LORD sustains the fatherless and the widow." I stand in awe of his faithfulness.

I called our attorney on Monday and have an appointment set to begin the application process for Medicaid. She gave me an assignment to make copies of all our bank statements for the last 5 years. I've already done that. She will go through those statements and check them for questions we might encounter when we submit the application. There is a lot to do, receipts to look up and find, and who knows what all...but step by step...we'll get it done.

I stopped by to see Dawn one evening to rescue her for a little break from 24/7 littles and was able to get this cute picture of our February babies. Kasey will be 4 and Cole will be 2, both in February.

I'm so grateful that the Lord hears me and sympathizes with my weaknesses. I can approach his throne of grace with confidence, knowing that I will receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16) And right now, I'm very needy.

"Earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."

Songwriters: David Crowder, Ben Glover Glover, Matt Maher; Come As You Are lyrics © CAPITOL CHRISTIAN MUSIC GROUP

The holidays are over but we had fun while it lasted. God graciously surrounded me with family who helped keep the spirits up. We had our family Christmas gathering yesterday, Saturday, New Year's Eve. We kept the tradition of several years now by having a brunch menu, although this year we ate at noon. We had been wondering if Naomi would be able to be with us since she hadn't been home from the hospital for very long. But she is finally on the mend, thanks to the Great Physician!

The Wallin family invasion began around 11:00 and by the time all three families were here, there were 7 adults and 11 children. I'm so grateful that we can all fit around one loooooong table. And there was plenty of food for all, even enough left overs to provide for nibbling throughout the afternoon.

After eating, it was time for opening our gifts. Someone suggested we go from oldest to youngest. I was so impressed how patient those littlest ones were. They held on to their presents but did not open them until it was their turn.

Claire loves the frilly, sparkly dresses. I found this one for a very good bargain.

And Amy made her the fairy wings which she wore the rest of the day.

After the gifts,the adults hung around and the kids played while Cole took his nap. 

Then we all went over to Care One for another Wallin family invasion. Those poor people probably wondered what in the world was going on when we all started streaming in the doors. But the children were well behaved and we entertained the residents and family members who were in the lobby. Grace played a very difficult piece on her violin ...what a treat. If you would like a sample of how she did, you can click here.

 
 Then the other kids wanted to exhibit, as well.

Andy seemed to enjoy the show and having us all there. I was a little concerned that we might wear him out being there are so many of us. But he loves his family.

Speaking of family, I've been making an effort to get to know some of the other residents and their family members where they visit. It has been striking to me that we're somewhat unusual in that there are so many of us. A couple other families have told me they have one grandchild, another family has none. Two couples I've met whose spouses are residents with memory loss, have told me he has 1 child, she has 2. So apparently, there are blended families, his and hers families. 

God has chosen to bless us with family. And this is a blessing I am extremely grateful for. 

Last week I mentioned that my wallet was "stolen." Two days ago, after I left Care One, I received a call that someone had turned in my wallet to the front desk. So I went back to get it. As it turned out, one of the residents had taken it and her husband found it a couple days later. He turned it in. Actually, having one of the Care One residents take the wallet was the best case scenario since they can't go anywhere to charge purchases. All my cards and cash were intact. Nothing had been touched. Of course, I had already canceled all my credit cards and even gotten a new driver's license because I didn't know what had happened to the wallet. Well, this is a lesson learned: do not assume you can leave your purse in Andy's room unattended. 

A friend from church graciously gave me 7 meals she had prepared. She fixed them ahead for her family, then set aside a single serving for me that she froze. Actually, they are more than a single serving. So far, I've been able to get 2 meals out of each that she's given. How generous and kind of her.

People continue to tell me they're praying for me. I'm very grateful because everyone says the holidays are difficult when there's a change in the family dynamic. December was hard because of getting used to the new routine. Andy is no longer home. And he wasn't with us at our Christmas brunch and gift openings. But maybe this is where it helps to have such a large family. Of course, no one can take his place, but his legacy lives on in his children and grandchildren. I didn't experience the depths of despair or even twinges of guilt. I am so grateful that he is getting good care. 

A couple of nights ago, while I was with Andy, he was finishing up his dinner, when he told the caregiver that he was doing a good job. He chuckled, but I seconded Andy's comment and thanked the young man for taking such good care of Andy. I asked him if he enjoyed his job. And he affirmed that he did. It takes a special gift to care for people who can't care for themselves. I know my gifts don't lie in that area, but I'm thankful for others who do have those gifts.

This is the beginning of a new year. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. Whatever comes our way is what the Sovereign Lord has determined. And those plans are "to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) And that hope has a name: it's Jesus. "Christ in you, the HOPE of glory" (Colossians 1:27).

Christ is Enough
Christ is enough for me

Everything I need is in You
Everything I need

Christ my all in all
The joy of my salvation
And this hope will never fail
Heaven is our home

Songwriters: Jonas Myrin / Reuben Morgan

Christ Is Enough lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

The Wallin Christmas 2015

My title is actually a misnomer on two counts: there are only 2 Wallins, with 7 Lindsays, 4 Sherfs and 5 Eberlys in our family. Andy and I are slightly outnumbered, although I guess we can still claim the name since we started the whole thing of our family! The other detail that contributes to the misnomer is the year. We actually celebrated our family Christmas on New Year's Day 2016. In spite of those incorrect details, we had a good time together. 

The girls and I provided the food and the presents. There are a lot of people to fit in our dining room but we still manage to make it work so that we can all be at the same table in the same room.

 

It was a challenge getting 17 people in the picture but mission accomplished! I didn't realize Katy had her tongue out, but I'm keeping her in because it's a great improvement over her crying whenever a camera was pointing at her! It also provides proof of her mischievous personality.

After the meal, we all moved to the living room to open the presents. Everyone waited patiently for their turn. We had everyone wait as we went from youngest to oldest.

It's very satisfying to see their pleased expressions as they open their gifts.

All too soon it was time for everyone to leave. It was wild and crazy while they were here - a nice change from the usual quiet at our house.

Andy and I have "found" a new place to hike. At least it's new to us. A friend told me about it and then I just had to go explore it. We went Thursday afternoon since I finished work early. It's the Black Run Preserve - only a few miles from our house. It's a gem. There are lots of trails with woods, water, trees - everything we so enjoy.

This preserve is a real find. It is a 1,300 acre parcel of land set aside for preservation. There are many trails. On Thursday, we started on the green trail which became the blue trail, then we switched to the orange trail, which connected to the purple trail. There are also a black trail, white trail and red trail, all of which we have yet to explore. 

On Saturday after I did the laundry and ran the vacuum cleaner, we decided to go back. It was a beautiful day, perfect for hiking. I much prefer to hike in winter where we don't have to worry about sweating or dealing with annoying bugs. We donned hats, scarves, gloves and fleeces and were quite comfortable. It's not so cold in the woods, anyway, where the wind is not as fierce because of the trees. 

I love how the sun sparkles on the water.

We took a side tour onto "Bog Spur."
 

Then we saw this tree that had fallen, creating an unusual shape. The forest is amazing - always something interesting to see and experience.

As much fun as we had with all the holiday festivities, I confess I'm glad to get back to the routine and familiar.