As Andy's disease progresses, he becomes more discouraged, frustrated, and even annoyed at his condition. The constant trembling in his right hand is wearing him out. He doesn't know what to do about it, and I certainly don't know either. One evening this week as I was visiting him, he said he'd like to talk to the doctor about his options. As I pressed him to explain what he meant, I finally figured out that he wanted to talk about end of life issues. I told him the doctor couldn't do that, our lives are in God's hands. He agreed with me. And not too much later, with his hand jerking and trembling, he again said he wanted to talk about options. When I pressed again, he said maybe the doctor could cut off his hand. Yikes! That's getting quite extreme, but I think it is a good indication of how frustrating it must be for him to have that constant, uncontrollable tremor. 

I've talked to the doctor on a number of occasions about the tremor: isn't there a medication that can help reduce that? And a number of times, the dosage has been increased. But I have not seen any change any time there has been an increase. 

In spite of our questions, I can see God at work. 

I am constantly affirmed in the decision I made to admit Andy to the facility where he is. He has a physical therapist (PT) and speech therapist (ST) working with him in different areas. The PT has been taking Andy on walks around the property or to the park or just up the street. His goal was to get him physically up to walking about a mile and then have me surprise him by meeting him at a restaurant for lunch. I was up to that idea but had my doubts as to Andy's ability to accomplish that goal.

But the PT said he thought Andy was ready to try it and we set the date for Wednesday. I got to the restaurant first, then I saw Andy and the PT coming towards me. When I saw Andy, I knew immediately that he was exhausted. He saw me and recognized me, and he half-heartedly raised his hand to wave at me. It was all he could do to make it inside the restaurant. I really don't think he enjoyed the meal because he was in agony. The PT was very kind and attentive to Andy, helping him when his tremors were making it hard to drink or eat. I offered to drive them back to the facility. It was the first time Andy had been in a car since Nov. 30 when he was admitted.

The next day, Thursday, I got a call from the administrator at the facility. She and the head nurse wanted to let me know that Andy had been telling them that he wanted to die. I was surprised that he had mentioned that to others and I told them that. I also told them that I had responded to Andy that our lives were in God's hands, and they said that Andy had also told them that.

After the call, I felt like I needed to wait to hear from the Lord. In his grace, he gave me the strength to keep from coming unglued emotionally and to think rationally about the whole situation. After I left work, I decided to go over to the facility and discuss this situation a little more with whoever was available. The Lord provided a chance to talk to the head nurse. I told her I appreciated what the PT and ST were trying to do with Andy but I wasn't sure it was what he needed or if he could come up to what their goals for him were. She agreed with me and said that perhaps going out of the facility brought back too many remembrances of what he had lost. And perhaps seeing pictures of his family (what the ST had suggested I do with him) was another reminder of a life he didn't have any more. Perhaps at this stage of his disease, that was not helpful for him. I agreed with her and was so relieved that it was her idea. My thoughts had also been going in that direction, but I didn't necessarily have the opportunity to express it to any one there. And besides, I'm not a professional, what do I know?

I have been so thankful for the staff at this facility. I feel they are becoming familiar with Andy and his needs. They seem to be learning who he is, are sensitive to what he can and can't do. I'm grateful that they keep me in the loop, and I can talk things over with them any time. They are always available to me. Sometimes, I think I need as much care as Andy does! And it's obvious that they really like him and care about him. This is very comforting to me.

These experiences are good reminders that God directed our steps in admitting Andy. It's tempting to forget this when I see other wives caring for their husbands at home - seemingly endlessly. But I must resist the temptation to compare. Each situation is different and God works in each situation uniquely.

I miss sharing my life and what I'm doing with Andy, though. And sometimes I almost feel guilty that I feel so good in comparison with him and that I still enjoy my life. 

I was able to go to my -0th high school reunion yesterday up in Berks County, PA. The reunion was held in our high school, so we sat in our cafeteria - just like all those years ago.
There were 123 in my graduating class and I thought there was a good showing of us. (I counted 41.)

I was almost surprised that I had such a good time. One of my best friends was there but really it was fun to meet everyone. All the angst we felt as teenagers was gone, and we all hugged each other and had fun reminiscing about such and such a teacher, our class trips, or the senior prank the guys pulled. 

Our school had four wings with a courtyard in the middle. If we knew which class was across the way, we'd sometimes flash the blinds in our window and see if we could get another class to flash back! I was in the AP class, and I think the boys were too smart for their own good. They were not only smart in their studies, they also excelled in mischievousness. 

So our senior prank...I was not involved, only finding out about it after the fact. But one of the boys told the story last night. His parents were working on their yard, and apparently, wanted to get rid of an outhouse leftover from a by-gone era. They gave their son the task of getting rid of it. So he contacted his buddies, and they decided to put it in the school's courtyard. They went the night before graduation, climbed up on the roof of the school, pulled the outhouse up with ropes, then down the other side, placing it exactly in the middle of the courtyard.

And as he finished his story, he said it was the best prank ever - even down to this current year's class. Uh, huh...something to be proud of!

I have not finished reading Randy Alcorn's book, If God is Good, but it has been so good to be reminded of the things he writes in the book.

 A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned about God being the author of our life story. An author who writes a novel makes it interesting by including significant conflict, thwarting of desires, avoiding predictability before a satisfying resolution. 

In a chapter I read this past week, Randy says that our life can also be compared to a symphony. "A composer's work gets praised for its long movements of depth, texture, and contrast, with transitions between major and minor keys. Do we criticize a great composer whose symphony doesn't end in ten minutes or half an hour? Do we complain when he moves from a major key to a minor key and back to a major? No, we celebrate his artistry. When we hear the dark and melancholic sections, we don't conclude he's made a mistake. Once we reach the ending, we recognize the symphony as a far greater work than one that consists of only bright melodies." 

This is a wonderful book to remind us of the purposes of evil and suffering - how God is not the author of it, but he uses it for his glory and our good. I have underlined, starred and circled so many sections in the book. I highly recommend it and will very likely read it again. 

I could go on and on, but will close this week's blog with a list of how Randy says God uses suffering in our lives:

• to purge sin from our lives
• strengthen our commitment to him
• force us to depend on his grace
• bind us together with other believers
• produce discernment
• foster sensitivity
• discipline our minds
• impart wisdom
• stretch our hope
• cause us to know Christ better
• make us long for truth
• lead us to repentance of sin
• teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow
• increase our faith
• strengthen our character 

Then he concludes that section by saying that "once He accomplishes such great things, often we can see that our suffering has been worth it."

Hopefully, we can be at peace with the purpose of our suffering: "to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:10-11.  

Peter tells us that we were called to suffering, "because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:21) And how did Christ suffer? "He entrusted himself to him who judges justly." (1 Peter 2:23) 

God is all wise, loving, kind, merciful and just. He made me, desires my good, and I can trust him with my life and the circumstances of my life.

What makes a good story? I've been mulling this over in my mind and heart all week. I recently began another book by Randy Alcorn, If God is Good. His writings are so deep and well thought through, always speaking to me at the heart level. The sub-title to the book is: "Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil," which is why I was drawn to the book, in addition to liking everything he writes.

In chapter 20 of this book, Mr. Alcorn asks the question: "If you were the author, how would you have written the story?" He devotes the whole chapter to the qualities of making a good story. He himself has written several novels, as well as theological books. He says that in order to make a good story, you need "interesting characters, significant conflict, the thwarting of desires and a satisfying (if not triumphant) resolution." The story must "avoid predictability and its characters have to continuously develop - and the higher the stakes, the better the story."

If this is the case, my story is far from boring! But think about the greatest story of all: God made a perfect world, his creatures sinned against him, there has been conflict for many ages, He sent his Son to pay the price and win his children back to himself, and someday, He will win and triumph over all the evil, pain and suffering. The end will only really be the beginning of the "happy ever after."

The Lord graciously authenticated this message to me...as I was thinking about my story, fitting into God's story, the next song I heard on the radio was My Story by Big Daddy Weave. 

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
 Writer(s): Jason Ingram, Michael Weaver

Mr. Alcorn continues in his chapter that "the greatest character virtues we know would never appear in a story without evil and suffering." If we didn't experience evil and suffering, we would not know the goodness, love, grace, compassion, gentleness, kindness and mercy of God. If everything was always sunshine and roses, we wouldn't see our desperate need and recognize or experience God's all-sufficiency. 

Mr. Alcorn says he doesn't ask the characters in his novels for permission to let them suffer and face evil because, as the author, he knows the best ending for the story. And if God is writing my story, doesn't that mean that He, as the author, knows the best ending for my story?

These were good thoughts for me to ponder this week because I had a couple of tough days. I didn't get much sleep on Wednesday night going into Thursday, which consequently led to being on the emotional side. I was at work when I got a call from Care One from the speech therapist to talk to me about Andy. She said he was missing his family and was wondering if I could, on some of my visits, spend some of my visiting time face-timing with the girls, so that Andy could see them. I appreciate her concern and attempts at helping him connect with his family. I also understand that he often feels lonely being there without us. However, it was not good timing for me. I initially felt overwhelmed, like this was one more thing I was responsible for. 

As I was processing this and on the verge of tears, God sent someone to minister to me. She came into the office, took one look at me and knew I needed to talk. She understood that I don't have that partner to talk things over with and she let me spew! Then she reminded me that Andy doesn't remember how often I do go to visit him. He doesn't live in reality. The speech therapist is trying to be helpful and is just throwing out ideas. I don't need to feel obligated to do everything she suggests. It was so kind of the Lord to send her to me at just the right time.

On Friday, I met Amy and her kids at the house at noon. I fed them lunch, then we went over to see Andy. We found his mom and dad already there visiting with him. He hadn't seen Amy and the kids for a while, and he seemed happy that we were all there.

  
Yes, Andy has two shirts on...which is why I usually only leave one in his room at a time. But since I wasn't planning to visit him on Saturday because of Chase being with me, I left two changes of clothes for him. 

One of the things my grandkids love to do as they get older is to measure themselves by me. Since I'm so short, it doesn't take long until they are eye to eye, then getting lots taller. As you can see, Chase is not there yet, but it won't be long. He is only 10 pounds lighter than I am.

After our visit with Andy, Amy went on to Dawn's and picked up Kira to spend an overnight with Joanna and Katy, while I took Chase home with me. I fixed sloppy joes for our dinner and boy, can he eat! No wonder he is getting so big so fast. His birthday is Tuesday and he will be 11. As we ate our dinner and enjoyed conversation, I was so impressed with how knowledgeable he is on a variety of subjects, but especially nature.

After dinner, we worked in the kitchen together making a strawberry "pie." So that it provides a bigger dish than a pie, I make a shortbread crust and bake it in a 13" x 9" pan. It was a pleasure having help in the kitchen.

After dessert was made, we did the usual watch a movie and eat ice cream before heading off to bed. 

I am amused by what a boy Chase is. He forgot to pack a toothbrush, so I told him I had extras. When I offered him one, he said, "nahhh." (ha, ha). Also, that nice blue shirt he's wearing in the pictures? He also wore it to bed Friday night and all day Saturday! He said he hadn't packed a shirt.

Saturday was a dreary, cloudy day, threatening rain. I considered staying in the house, but was so hoping to get a hike in, that I finally said, "Oh, let's just go and take our chances." I had sprayed Chase's jeans and sneakers the night before with potent bug killer (mine had already been done). I have been hoping that I can take each kid who comes over to Rancocas State Park for a hike. Chase was game, so we went on over. It didn't rain on us, and we saw some interesting things: lots of empty turtle shells, even an immature turtle and a peregrine falcon. Chase saw a couple of wild turkeys on our drive over.

As much as I like that hike, the mosquitoes and humidity yesterday made it almost unbearable. I had sprayed our jeans but neglected our skin and upper body. Big mistake! Those mosquitoes were relentless. I was walking pretty fast, thinking that the faster I walked, they wouldn't be as likely to alight on me. But in walking so fast, I was leaving Chase behind. When I questioned him on that, he said he had a stitch in his side from walking so fast. Oops! I should have sung him that song: "Go Granny, go, Granny, go, Granny, go!"

I believe Chase was genuinely happy to be here with me. He was able to set up all his army men, even leaving them up overnight without them being "messed up by the girls."

All too soon, it was time to take him back home, but how good of the Lord to give me this little window of pleasure.

Today was a different story again. I sat in church all by myself up near the front. There was no one near me, and I got to thinking about how much I missed Andy sitting next to me. He was always reaching his arm over to hug me or hold my hand as we sang. I thought about leaving the auditorium, but there was too much risk because I was sitting so far up front. It was still pretty obvious if anyone happened to be looking at me that I was crying. I had to get a tissue out to keep the tears from running down my cheeks. I just couldn't get it together for the rest of the song time, partly because the words of the songs were so meaningful, as well as missing Andy beside me.

I think I need to have a better plan for where I sit in church. I have always preferred to sit as far front as possible because of fewer distractions. But perhaps I should beg a friend to sit with me.

I do not grieve like those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Even though there are many fun and happy moments, life is also filled with difficulties. But this is my story, and I hope that no matter how much suffering and conflict fills my life, that:

You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

Yes, I can't talk about my story without bringing Jesus into it. Christ is enough for me. He is all I need, every moment of every day.

"So then, those who suffer according to God's plan should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:19

I memorized 1 Peter several years ago, but in reviewing recently, I came to this verse again. It is rich with meaning. I am suffering according to God's plan for me, so what can I do but rest in his sovereignty and trust his faithfulness. As I wait on him, I have hope - a sure hope - that gives me courage and strength to continue living for him. 

And as I take my eyes off my desperate situation and back on to my big God, he brings moments of joy and pleasure. He meets my needs in amazing and unanticipated ways. 

I'm concerned that Andy is developing another UTI. He finished a 30 day round of antibiotics the end of May, but this last week has been displaying some symptoms again. He has been extremely exhausted and lacking in appetite. 

I almost feel guilty about enjoying my life as it is right now, when Andy is suffering so. But I try to share my experiences with him, as much as he can understand.

On Monday afternoon, I went and got Naomi because her birthday was Wednesday. Years ago, we wanted to be as intentional as possible to pour into the next generation. So on their birthdays, we have them come to spend a night and a day with us. They make a list of activities they want to do while with us, and we have a great time with them. Andy was always so good at providing the fun: riding bikes with the kids, making up silly rules, shooting the bb gun at a hand made target, practicing with his bow and arrows, and various other activities. Now that he's no longer home, I really want to keep on being involved with the grandkids, even though I feel like I don't have as much to offer. 

I did have a good time with Naomi, though. It's such a joy to have another person in the house. How quiet it is most of the time, with no one to talk to, no one to eat dinner with, no one else around. Naomi is a good conversationalist. As the kids get older (she's 12 now), meaningful conversations are much more the norm. 

On Monday evening, she went with me to visit Andy. Then when we returned home, we watched a movie and ate ice cream together. The next morning, she wanted to bake a blueberry pie for her dessert with the family. I found a recipe that looked good, and we worked at it together.
 

The pies turned out to be delicious.

The day was dreary with periods of drizzle and misty rain. But by lunch time, it seemed we would stay relatively dry for a hike. We were so glad we went to Rancocas State Park because we saw some interesting things along that 3.2 mile hike.

All along the trail we saw holes in the sand and near those holes, lots of empty egg shells. We were conjecturing on what kind of eggs they might be and guessing turtle, when we saw this.

Don't get too close to these turtles. They are not friendly. Snapping turtles can bite off a finger.

We also saw a fawn through the foliage, well camoflauged. I tried to get a picture, but by the time I got the camera to focus and zoom in, he took off. 

I got a call from Dawn later in the week to ask if I was available to babysit Cole on Saturday afternoon/evening. I said I would make it work. She and Tommy had a wedding to attend. Kasey and Kira were spending time with another set of grandparents, but Cole would be taking his nap when Dawn had to leave. It turned out to be another time of joy (more than just a moment - many moments). He is such a sweet boy. I got him up from his nap, and he was pleasant and happy the rest of the time I had him.

I took him to see Andy, which didn't really work out too well. Andy needed as much attention as Cole, so I didn't stay there very long - just long enough to get Cole some ice cream.

 

He's getting more adept at eating ice cream, although still pretty messy!

Cole and I had dinner together, then spent the rest of the time outside, playing and walking around the neighborhood several times.

  

 I got to rock him and sing to him before putting him to bed. What a treat (for me!).

You see God gives me many moments of joy. And one more this week...in Thursday's mail, I received a card from someone in our church. When I opened it, I was shocked to  see there were two $100 gift cards included. So kind of the Lord to remind me he hasn't forgotten me.

I continue to read to Andy every evening that I visit him. I've been wondering if he understands what I'm reading or how he's processing it. My usual routine is to read a couple chapters from the Bible, then rest my voice a minute or two before reading from one of the books we've always enjoyed together. I'm currently reading The Lord of the Rings. 

One evening as I was reading through Corinthians, Andy stopped me to say, "that was really good. Who wrote that?" I told him it was the Bible, Paul had written to the Corinthian church. His next comment was, "He did a good job!"

Another time, he questioned me about the Lord of the Rings story, wondering when it took place. I told him it wasn't real, but fantasy, and he was amazed!

My gardens continue to show off. This week, another of my gumpo pink azaleas decided to go all out. A little behind the other one, but better late than never, right?

And I can't help but keep looking out my back kitchen window at the clematis. It is so lovely with the sun shining on it.

What brings the most joy, though, is my relationship with the Lord. How good he is to me. If I had nothing (no house, no family, no money), I would still have everything in Jesus. 

"Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25, 26 

It occurred to me this week that pride and worry go hand in hand. Peter links the two together in 1 Peter 5:6-7, when he tells us to humble ourselves under God's mighty hand, then goes on to command us to cast all our anxieties on God because He cares for us. So doesn't that make sense that if we're worrying, we're not humbly placing ourselves under the mighty and competent hand of God? He is able to take our worries if we cast them on him, which involves humbling ourselves, trusting that he will take care of those worries. 

I was meditating on this, just thinking: "what a concept," when the Lord led me to Matthew 11:28 where Jesus is telling his disciples, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

Wow! Jesus was humble, he trusted his Father perfectly. And if we learn from Jesus' example, we will find rest for our souls. Rest, not the stress of worry. 

So God continues to teach me. I pray that I will continue to be open to his quiet whisperings in my heart, drawing me to himself, helping me to become more and more like Jesus and letting him take care of me. I know I can't take care of myself and worrying certainly doesn't help either, so I need to humbly submit myself to the care of God - day by day, moment by moment.

The question I hear most often from people is: how is Andy doing? It's a difficult question for me to know how to answer, although I'm grateful that people care. I guess the best way to answer is to keep posting experiences and conversations I have with him.

Andy seems to still know who I am. He tells me he loves me, he expresses his gratitude for "all I'm doing." He tries to have conversations, but I often don't understand what he's talking about.

One evening this past week, he told me he felt like he needed to have some money because there were some people he needed to be able to help. It's pointless to reason with him, so I just went along with him and asked him how much he wanted. He said he thought $200 would be enough to start. So I told him I would have to go to the bank the next day since they were already closed. He was ok with that, and of course, he forgot when I visited the next day. He hasn't mentioned it since.

Another evening, he said he didn't think he could keep on doing what he was doing. I wasn't sure what he was talking about with that statement, but on probing a little, I think he meant he couldn't keep his job. I reminded him that he was "retired." He heaved a sigh of relief, then said he needed to talk to someone about stopping his salary. I told him I would take care of that. And he was satisfied with that answer.

Andy was on a 30 day round of antibiotics for his uti. He finished that medicine so we'll see how long he stays infection free. He struggles constantly with the tremors in his hand and chin. Sometimes, his arm jerks spastically. I mentioned that I didn't think his legs were shaking but he said they do sometimes.

Another day, he told me that he didn't think he would "be here much longer." He couldn't explain why. But I used that opportunity to remind him that our times are in God's hands. He knows the end from the beginning. I also talked about how wonderful heaven will be when we get there.

I continue to read Scripture to him every evening when I visit. It seems to be a great calming influence - for him as well as for me.

This past week, Tommy came over on Tuesday to help me trim my bushes. They were out of control. I borrowed a hedge trimmer from a neighbor. Tommy got them all done in about an hour. In the past, I have tried to trim the bushes myself, but if I use the hedge trimmer, it is so heavy to lift up that I don't last very long. Then, too, I ruined one trimmer years ago by cutting into the cord. So I figure it's better not to try that job myself.

Tommy brought over Kasey and Cole for me to play with while he worked. Kasey liked the Candyland game. She was fascinated with the cards and pictures of the cupcake, cookie and candy cane...not really into game rules yet.

Yesterday, I took a trip down to Ocean City where Dawn, Tommy and kids are spending some vacation time. While the kids napped, Dawn and I went to the boardwalk, got a coffee and walked up and down. What a treat! 

When it was time to return to the family, we went back to the car, but couldn't find it. Neither of us had been paying attention when we parked, so we walked up and down a number of streets before we finally found it. My phone said we had walked about 4 miles (but that included our walk up and down the boardwalk, too!). I don't know that Tommy will let us live that down. A couple of airheads! Well, we were making memories!

I've had a little time, here and there, to work in my gardens. They give me lots of pleasure, and I'm so grateful for the beauty of God's creation.

I am amazed that I am feeling at peace with my situation right now. That can only come from the Lord. 

Psalm 25:4-10
Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; 
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, 
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord. 
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

When the kids get married and have their own families, as well as in-laws, it's often difficult to work out a date for getting together that works for everyone. That was why we had our Mother's Day celebration a week late.

Last Sunday was a beautiful day - perfect for a picnic. Amy and Christy and their families came down to catch the 11:00 showing of the kids' musical drama that Dawn was directing. After that, everyone came over for burgers and dogs at our house. Because it was so pleasant, we were able to eat on the deck. That makes me happy - not as much mess to clean up!

After lunch the men and boys played ball while we girls sat at the table and chatted. Don't you love the casual way some of the kids play!!!
 

Amy brought me this beautiful bouquet with a robin she had felted. The flowers lasted all week and made the kitchen smell so sweet.

I couldn't help thinking this morning as I threw out the wilted flowers, that I wished I had the creativity to make beautiful bouquets. I love the fresh flowers on the table but my arrangements are so pathetic, it's hard to take pleasure in them. Well, I guess my creative juices lie in other directions.

After the party last week, Christy and her family and I went over to visit with Andy. It was an especially encouraging time. I was on my way to Andy's room to get him, when one of the staff stopped me to tell me she had asked Andy to pray for her because of something she was dealing with. She said he prayed for her right then. Then as he left her, he continued to pray for the next person he saw. 

I continued on my way into his living area, when another staff person stopped me to tell me that one day she had been complaining that this was wrong and that wasn't working right, etc. Then Andy came over to her, placed his hands on her shoulders and told her: "Stop complaining. It could be a lot worse." She said she was so brought up short...he is telling her that it could be a lot worse. 

We enjoyed a little time visiting with Andy but then he announced he "had to get going." It was his way of letting us know he was tired and had had enough. So I proceeded to lead him back to his room. As I opened the door to his area, R was there. We had seen him earlier wearing gloves! (He often eats his dinner wearing his winter coat.) This man talks constantly but doesn't really say anything intelligible. R started "talking" to Andy and me. I tried to pull Andy along to get him to his room, when he turned to me, and basically told me to stop, he needed to take care of this. I had been trying to protect Andy because of his weariness, to get him to his room, but he felt compelled to "listen" to R. R rambled on about a lost boy, going up a hill, etc. etc. and Andy made comforting, affirming noises until R was finally satisfied that we had heard him tell his tale.

I am so astonished every time I observe Andy's empathetic, compassionate heart in action in spite of his infirmity. It's an obvious indication that the Lord has not abandoned him. What a comfort - even if we forget God, He does not forget us.

Even though I had an appointment on Tuesday to have my car serviced, I was still able to fit in a visit with Andy, meeting Dawn and the kids there. We had our usual ice cream, and Kasey was dressed for the occasion in her tutu!

I was able to fit in some yard work this week. It's that time of the year when everything is growing like crazy, then needing to be trimmed back. Unfortunately, the ticks are out, too. I found one on the back of my ear on Friday morning, but it was in a spot that I couldn't see well enough to get it out myself. Although it was attached, it hadn't become engorged yet. I had to ask someone to get it off for me. And now, every time I feel an itch, I wonder if it's another tick.


Here are some more flower pictures. These cherry laurels smell so sweet and lovely.  

Pink Gumpo Azalea

I think these are my favorites: mountain laurels. If you live in Mt. Laurel, you must have these!

Then today, I had an adventure - of sorts. On Mother's Day, I was feeling a little sad that I couldn't see my own mother who lives in western Pennsylvania. I hadn't seen her since last July. So I had this idea to make the trip. I could make it there in 4 hours, spend a little time with her, take her out to lunch, then drive back home. I really didn't want to spend overnight anywhere (except in my own bed), or be away from Andy more than a day. I feel it's important to keep a routine going where I see him every day - but maybe a day now and then would be ok. I felt I could fit in a trip there and back all in a day. 

So I thought about the idea, prayed about it, ran it by my daughters and a friend and decided to give it a try. I left this morning (Sunday) at 7:00, then called my mother around 7:30 to let her know I was coming. She was totally and thoroughly surprised. It was fun to be able to make her so happy. I was there long enough to have lunch with her at a local restaurant and visit with several of my aunts.

I was amazed at how quickly I was able to make the trip. Perhaps because the speed limit is higher, but it only took 3 hours and 20 minutes instead of the 4 hours I was expecting. Of course, it's still a long time to  be driving in the same direction. I'm glad I was able to do it, it was nice to see my mother and spend a little time with her.

Sometimes when you hear a song, it rattles around in your head the rest of the week. I Have this Hope has done that for me.

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain
Did I cry these tears in vain
I don’t wanna live in fear
I wanna trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You’re with me and You won’t let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here

So whatever happens, I will not be afraid
‘Cause You are closer than this breath that I take
You calm the storm when I hear You call my name
I still believe that one day I’ll see Your face

In the flood or the fire
You are with me and You won’t let go
In the flood or the fire
You are with me and You won’t let go

@ Copyright Tenth Avenue North 2016. All Rights Reserved.

In 1 Timothy 1:1, Paul tells Timothy that Christ Jesus is our hope. And Romans 15:13, God is referred to as the God of hope. I love this verse where Paul says "the God of hope [will] fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." 

Overflow with hope!!! "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (Hebrews 6:19)


Lamentations 3:19-23, 25
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness...The Lord is good to those whose HOPE is in him, to the one who seeks him."

Andy is not the only one who forgets. I need constant reminders of the Lord's unfailing and abiding love, grace, mercy and kindness to me. 

On Tuesday's Morning and Evening devotional by Spurgeon, I was so moved by the words he used to convey God's amazing love for us. I'm writing it here as a reminder to myself of how good God is - always, even when I struggle with grief, sad times and difficult experiences.

Spurgeon based his thoughts on 1 Timothy 6:17: "God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy."

"Our Lord Jesus is always giving and does not for a single moment withdraw His hand...He is an ever-shining sun; He is manna in unfailing supply; He is a rock in the desert, sending constant streams of life from His pierced side; the rain of His grace is always falling; the King can never die, so His grace can never fail. Every day we pluck His fruit, and every day His branches bend down to our hand with a fresh supply of mercy. There are seven feast days in His weeks, and as many banquets in His years. Who has ever returned from His door unblessed? Who has ever risen from His table unsatisfied? His mercies are new every morning and fresh every evening. Who can calculate the number of His benefits or value the extent of His provision? Every passing day we are the beneficiaries of a myriad of mercies. The wings of our hours are covered with the silver of His kindness and with the yellow gold of His favor. The countless stars serve as the standard bearers of incalculable blessings. Who can measure the benefits that He bestows on His servant or recount the extent of His mercies toward His own? How shall my soul extol Him who loads us with daily benefits, and who crowns us with loving-kindness? O that my praise could be as endless as His provision."

"You are good and what You do is good? Psalm 119:68

"Turn to me and have mercy on me, as You always do to those who love Your name." Psalm 119:132 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all -- how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

God gives us no room for doubt - He loves us and wants our best. 

Dawn and I went to visit Andy again on Tuesday. He was in good spirits and enjoyed the children. 

The rest of the week was a mix of watering the flowers in the evening because of the unseasonable heat and several meetings with friends. The gardens are full of color right now and so beautiful. I can't get enough of them.

I've been listening to two songs in particular this week, both express a resolve to trust God no matter what we're going through.

Even If
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able 

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Songwriters: Bart Marshall Millard / Benjamin Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Arthur Garcia / Tim Timmons

Even If lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Music Services, Inc

Trust in You

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You

Truth is You know what tomorrow brings
There's not a day ahead You have not seen
So let all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You I will trust in You

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There's not a place where I'll go
You've not already stood

Songwriters: Lauren Daigle / Michael Farren / Paul Mabury

Trust in You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Capitol Christian Music Group

Life has its ebb and flow, good days and bad days, highs and lows, mountains and valleys, agonies and ecstasies, pain and joy, tears and laughter. 

At this point in my life, a good day means a bit of a spark in Andy's eye; a bad day is conversation that doesn't make sense, severe tremors and a vacant look.

I never know what to expect when I visit Andy. I go to see him every day, and sometimes twice a day. I'm trying to go every Tuesday morning so that Dawn can see her dad. She takes the kids with her, so it's helpful if I'm there to lend extra hands and arms. He's always responsive to the kids, and they seem to love being with him, too.

This past Tuesday was a beautiful spring day, so we were able to sit outside the facility. Of course, they had to have their ice cream. Then the older kids were able to put their energy into running up and down the sidewalk.
 

I love Kasey's girly outfits - all the sequins, sparkles and tulle! And that's her favorite necklace. She always wears it. Today she told me that necklace gives her power.  I think I need one of those.

Friday was Andy's birthday so I made a carrot cake, intending to party it up at his facility when I went in to visit him. When I got there, though, he was lying down and saying he felt awful. I had a hard time getting him up, but he finally did when his brother and a high school buddy came to visit. No one else was in the dining area at that moment, so I cut 4 pieces of cake for us.

I told him to smile before I snapped the picture, and this is what I got! He's such a good sport.

Today was Mother's Day and Dawn invited me to join her family at her in-laws'. I was happy to be able to do that. I brought some goodies to add to the meal, having spent most of yesterday indoors because of the rain. It was a happy time for me making/creating in my kitchen.

It's been unseasonably cool so I've put off planting annuals. But I couldn't wait any longer as we got toward the end of the week. Now that all that brown mulch is down, we needed some color to liven it up a bit. And is there anything more cheerful than the color yellow?

 

I was sad to see the condition of this yellow rhododendron. The bush has all these dead branches, except this one brave stalk.

 

 I came across a youtube video of John Piper talking about God's love: God Didn't Wait for You to Believe. It was such an encouragement to me. I'm so thankful that God didn't wait for me to respond to him, but He initiated. He set His affection on me, He chose me, (Deuteronomy 10:15; 1 Thessalonians 1:4 and 2 Thessalonians 2:13).  Ephesians 2:4 tells us that God is "rich in mercy" and because of the "great love with which he loved us," he made us alive, even when we were dead in our sins. 


These are beautiful truths to give us the strength to keep on keeping on. It's a great comfort to know God, to experience His faithfulness, His unchanging nature when we face uncertainties and disappointments.

Lamentations 3:19-26, 32-33
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him.'
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.
For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."