On Wallin Pond

As Andy's disease progresses, he becomes more discouraged, frustrated, and even annoyed at his condition. The constant trembling in his right hand is wearing him out. He doesn't know what to do about it, and I certainly don't know either. One evening this week as I was visiting him, he said he'd like to talk to the doctor about his options. As I pressed him to explain what he meant, I finally figured out that he wanted to talk about end of life issues. I told him the doctor couldn't do that, our lives are in God's hands. He agreed with me. And not too much later, with his hand jerking and trembling, he again said he wanted to talk about options. When I pressed again, he said maybe the doctor could cut off his hand. Yikes! That's getting quite extreme, but I think it is a good indication of how frustrating it must be for him to have that constant, uncontrollable tremor. 

I've talked to the doctor on a number of occasions about the tremor: isn't there a medication that can help reduce that? And a number of times, the dosage has been increased. But I have not seen any change any time there has been an increase. 

In spite of our questions, I can see God at work. 

I am constantly affirmed in the decision I made to admit Andy to the facility where he is. He has a physical therapist (PT) and speech therapist (ST) working with him in different areas. The PT has been taking Andy on walks around the property or to the park or just up the street. His goal was to get him physically up to walking about a mile and then have me surprise him by meeting him at a restaurant for lunch. I was up to that idea but had my doubts as to Andy's ability to accomplish that goal.

But the PT said he thought Andy was ready to try it and we set the date for Wednesday. I got to the restaurant first, then I saw Andy and the PT coming towards me. When I saw Andy, I knew immediately that he was exhausted. He saw me and recognized me, and he half-heartedly raised his hand to wave at me. It was all he could do to make it inside the restaurant. I really don't think he enjoyed the meal because he was in agony. The PT was very kind and attentive to Andy, helping him when his tremors were making it hard to drink or eat. I offered to drive them back to the facility. It was the first time Andy had been in a car since Nov. 30 when he was admitted.

The next day, Thursday, I got a call from the administrator at the facility. She and the head nurse wanted to let me know that Andy had been telling them that he wanted to die. I was surprised that he had mentioned that to others and I told them that. I also told them that I had responded to Andy that our lives were in God's hands, and they said that Andy had also told them that.

After the call, I felt like I needed to wait to hear from the Lord. In his grace, he gave me the strength to keep from coming unglued emotionally and to think rationally about the whole situation. After I left work, I decided to go over to the facility and discuss this situation a little more with whoever was available. The Lord provided a chance to talk to the head nurse. I told her I appreciated what the PT and ST were trying to do with Andy but I wasn't sure it was what he needed or if he could come up to what their goals for him were. She agreed with me and said that perhaps going out of the facility brought back too many remembrances of what he had lost. And perhaps seeing pictures of his family (what the ST had suggested I do with him) was another reminder of a life he didn't have any more. Perhaps at this stage of his disease, that was not helpful for him. I agreed with her and was so relieved that it was her idea. My thoughts had also been going in that direction, but I didn't necessarily have the opportunity to express it to any one there. And besides, I'm not a professional, what do I know?

I have been so thankful for the staff at this facility. I feel they are becoming familiar with Andy and his needs. They seem to be learning who he is, are sensitive to what he can and can't do. I'm grateful that they keep me in the loop, and I can talk things over with them any time. They are always available to me. Sometimes, I think I need as much care as Andy does! And it's obvious that they really like him and care about him. This is very comforting to me.

These experiences are good reminders that God directed our steps in admitting Andy. It's tempting to forget this when I see other wives caring for their husbands at home - seemingly endlessly. But I must resist the temptation to compare. Each situation is different and God works in each situation uniquely.

I miss sharing my life and what I'm doing with Andy, though. And sometimes I almost feel guilty that I feel so good in comparison with him and that I still enjoy my life. 

I was able to go to my -0th high school reunion yesterday up in Berks County, PA. The reunion was held in our high school, so we sat in our cafeteria - just like all those years ago.
There were 123 in my graduating class and I thought there was a good showing of us. (I counted 41.)

I was almost surprised that I had such a good time. One of my best friends was there but really it was fun to meet everyone. All the angst we felt as teenagers was gone, and we all hugged each other and had fun reminiscing about such and such a teacher, our class trips, or the senior prank the guys pulled. 

Our school had four wings with a courtyard in the middle. If we knew which class was across the way, we'd sometimes flash the blinds in our window and see if we could get another class to flash back! I was in the AP class, and I think the boys were too smart for their own good. They were not only smart in their studies, they also excelled in mischievousness. 

So our senior prank...I was not involved, only finding out about it after the fact. But one of the boys told the story last night. His parents were working on their yard, and apparently, wanted to get rid of an outhouse leftover from a by-gone era. They gave their son the task of getting rid of it. So he contacted his buddies, and they decided to put it in the school's courtyard. They went the night before graduation, climbed up on the roof of the school, pulled the outhouse up with ropes, then down the other side, placing it exactly in the middle of the courtyard.

And as he finished his story, he said it was the best prank ever - even down to this current year's class. Uh, huh...something to be proud of!

I have not finished reading Randy Alcorn's book, If God is Good, but it has been so good to be reminded of the things he writes in the book.

 A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned about God being the author of our life story. An author who writes a novel makes it interesting by including significant conflict, thwarting of desires, avoiding predictability before a satisfying resolution. 

In a chapter I read this past week, Randy says that our life can also be compared to a symphony. "A composer's work gets praised for its long movements of depth, texture, and contrast, with transitions between major and minor keys. Do we criticize a great composer whose symphony doesn't end in ten minutes or half an hour? Do we complain when he moves from a major key to a minor key and back to a major? No, we celebrate his artistry. When we hear the dark and melancholic sections, we don't conclude he's made a mistake. Once we reach the ending, we recognize the symphony as a far greater work than one that consists of only bright melodies." 

This is a wonderful book to remind us of the purposes of evil and suffering - how God is not the author of it, but he uses it for his glory and our good. I have underlined, starred and circled so many sections in the book. I highly recommend it and will very likely read it again. 

I could go on and on, but will close this week's blog with a list of how Randy says God uses suffering in our lives:

• to purge sin from our lives
• strengthen our commitment to him
• force us to depend on his grace
• bind us together with other believers
• produce discernment
• foster sensitivity
• discipline our minds
• impart wisdom
• stretch our hope
• cause us to know Christ better
• make us long for truth
• lead us to repentance of sin
• teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow
• increase our faith
• strengthen our character 

Then he concludes that section by saying that "once He accomplishes such great things, often we can see that our suffering has been worth it."

Hopefully, we can be at peace with the purpose of our suffering: "to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:10-11.  

Peter tells us that we were called to suffering, "because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:21) And how did Christ suffer? "He entrusted himself to him who judges justly." (1 Peter 2:23) 

God is all wise, loving, kind, merciful and just. He made me, desires my good, and I can trust him with my life and the circumstances of my life.