While  I was in Maine, I was reading Elisabeth Elliot's book, The Path of Loneliness. This was such an applicable book for me at this time. She was a widow twice, and I resonated with much of what she wrote.

I have been telling people when they ask me how I'm doing: "Amazingly well. People must be praying for me because God is lavishing his grace and mercy on me."

Then I came across this in Elisabeth Elliot's book:
"I did not cry at the memorial service for my first husband. It seemed very strange to onlookers, I'm sure -- 'She must be made of concrete!' -- but I am not the only one who has experienced this. It often happens that those whose loss is greatest receive the greatest share of grace, mercy and peace. This does not mean that they never cry, of course. But they do not collapse. Those who only watch and pray and try to put themselves in the place of the bereaved find it almost unendurable. Sometimes they weep uncontrollably, for their imaginations never include the grace."

She goes on to say that the "peace given simply passes understanding, and I am borne up by those intense prayers, as if on strong wings, far above grief."

Yes and Yes...so it is with me. Who can explain it except to say that "God is the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Another chapter in her book is titled, The Gift of Widowhood. She says that everything is a  gift, another assignment. How can she say such a thing? Widowhood a gift? She reminds us that "there would be no widowhood if there was no death. The inexorable love of God allowed me to become a widow. The Lord of Hosts is absolutely sovereign. He holds power over the universe, He holds authority over my life - not because He usurps the rights with which He endowed me in creation, but because I had specifically asked Him to be Lord of my life."

Are we serious when we pray, "not my will, but yours be done, Lord"? How often do we sing: "I surrender all"? Do we mean it? Do we trust God that he really does know what is best for us? These are hard questions. I suppose it is easier for certain personality types to be more compliant and trusting, but even then, we can really do nothing in our own strength apart from the grace of God providing for my endurance in whatever comes my way.

I believe God is enabling me to continue living, and not collapsing in utter despair. I am the recipient of many blessings and I'm grateful that He has given me eyes to see and enjoy those blessings. He has given me so many grandchildren that I could have one over once a month and occupy my whole year in that way.

Since I returned from Maine, I'm trying to get caught up on having the grandkids over for a sleepover with me. I got a little behind because of going on vacation in June, then being involved with Andy's illness and funeral.

I was able to have Chase over the end of September (see previous post). Last Saturday was Naomi's turn. We watched a lot of movies together, and it was so therapeutic to laugh together. We watched 2 Love Bug movies and several Andy Griffith episodes. We giggled at the silly expressions and antics of Barney Fife.

We also got in a hike at Palmyra Cove along the Delaware River. The weather was lovely. Naomi told me she was glad that I walked briskly and didn't lag behind. I took that as a compliment since I'm 56 years older than she is!

In the middle of the week, I went back to Palmyra Cove with a friend and we hiked the same trail. Again, it was a lovely day - perfect fall weather.

There was activity in the tidal pool with lots of gulls, but also at least 6 egrets. They were pretty far away from us so the pictures didn't turn out too well.

On our way out of the park, we paused to take pictures of deer that were in the woods right beside the road. They were very calm, not at all frightened of us. They were probably as curious about us as we were thrilled to be looking at them.

The sky was so blue, making a beautiful backdrop to this craggy old willow tree.

Then on Friday, Amy drove down with Joanna and Katy to leave Joanna for her turn with Grammy. She loved playing games, and we playing almost continually. I taught her a few new ones. She caught on quickly to the rules of the games and joined the tradition of all my other grandkids by beating me most of the time. Fortunately, they don't seem to hold it against me that I'm just not able to win when I play with them. (Actually, I think it boosts their self image to beat me!)

We also took a hike on Saturday morning...to another of my favorite places: Black Run Preserve. It was pretty dreary, but at least it wasn't raining, and wasn't too hot or too cold. There were hints of color in the leaves. I love the enthusiasm of the kids when they're hiking. I'm impressed with how observant they are, noticing details that I often miss.

We got back to the house, had our lunch, then picked up Kira to join us at the movies. 

What a fun weekend. Now it's back to my quiet house but I must say, I don't mind. I like both having the kids and having quiet. 

Elisabeth Elliot says that there is a difference between loneliness and being alone. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely. And that, too, is a gift. There is value in alone time. The Bible often speaks of and encourages us to "Be still and know that I am God." It's hard to know God when we're busy and distracted with many activities and things. But when we're quiet, we have  time to contemplate God and His goodness, thanking Him for the gifts He gives. Everything we have is a gift from Him.

Widowhood is a gift...it's a new beginning, an opportunity to watch God provide for my needs, to be my Protector and Caregiver. "The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow." Psalm 146:9

Children are a gift..."[They] are a reward from Him...Blessed is the [Grammy] whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:3, 5

Alone time is a gift..."In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15 "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

 

"So then, those who suffer according to God's plan should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:19

I memorized 1 Peter several years ago, but in reviewing recently, I came to this verse again. It is rich with meaning. I am suffering according to God's plan for me, so what can I do but rest in his sovereignty and trust his faithfulness. As I wait on him, I have hope - a sure hope - that gives me courage and strength to continue living for him. 

And as I take my eyes off my desperate situation and back on to my big God, he brings moments of joy and pleasure. He meets my needs in amazing and unanticipated ways. 

I'm concerned that Andy is developing another UTI. He finished a 30 day round of antibiotics the end of May, but this last week has been displaying some symptoms again. He has been extremely exhausted and lacking in appetite. 

I almost feel guilty about enjoying my life as it is right now, when Andy is suffering so. But I try to share my experiences with him, as much as he can understand.

On Monday afternoon, I went and got Naomi because her birthday was Wednesday. Years ago, we wanted to be as intentional as possible to pour into the next generation. So on their birthdays, we have them come to spend a night and a day with us. They make a list of activities they want to do while with us, and we have a great time with them. Andy was always so good at providing the fun: riding bikes with the kids, making up silly rules, shooting the bb gun at a hand made target, practicing with his bow and arrows, and various other activities. Now that he's no longer home, I really want to keep on being involved with the grandkids, even though I feel like I don't have as much to offer. 

I did have a good time with Naomi, though. It's such a joy to have another person in the house. How quiet it is most of the time, with no one to talk to, no one to eat dinner with, no one else around. Naomi is a good conversationalist. As the kids get older (she's 12 now), meaningful conversations are much more the norm. 

On Monday evening, she went with me to visit Andy. Then when we returned home, we watched a movie and ate ice cream together. The next morning, she wanted to bake a blueberry pie for her dessert with the family. I found a recipe that looked good, and we worked at it together.
 

The pies turned out to be delicious.

The day was dreary with periods of drizzle and misty rain. But by lunch time, it seemed we would stay relatively dry for a hike. We were so glad we went to Rancocas State Park because we saw some interesting things along that 3.2 mile hike.

All along the trail we saw holes in the sand and near those holes, lots of empty egg shells. We were conjecturing on what kind of eggs they might be and guessing turtle, when we saw this.

Don't get too close to these turtles. They are not friendly. Snapping turtles can bite off a finger.

We also saw a fawn through the foliage, well camoflauged. I tried to get a picture, but by the time I got the camera to focus and zoom in, he took off. 

I got a call from Dawn later in the week to ask if I was available to babysit Cole on Saturday afternoon/evening. I said I would make it work. She and Tommy had a wedding to attend. Kasey and Kira were spending time with another set of grandparents, but Cole would be taking his nap when Dawn had to leave. It turned out to be another time of joy (more than just a moment - many moments). He is such a sweet boy. I got him up from his nap, and he was pleasant and happy the rest of the time I had him.

I took him to see Andy, which didn't really work out too well. Andy needed as much attention as Cole, so I didn't stay there very long - just long enough to get Cole some ice cream.

 

He's getting more adept at eating ice cream, although still pretty messy!

Cole and I had dinner together, then spent the rest of the time outside, playing and walking around the neighborhood several times.

  

 I got to rock him and sing to him before putting him to bed. What a treat (for me!).

You see God gives me many moments of joy. And one more this week...in Thursday's mail, I received a card from someone in our church. When I opened it, I was shocked to  see there were two $100 gift cards included. So kind of the Lord to remind me he hasn't forgotten me.

I continue to read to Andy every evening that I visit him. I've been wondering if he understands what I'm reading or how he's processing it. My usual routine is to read a couple chapters from the Bible, then rest my voice a minute or two before reading from one of the books we've always enjoyed together. I'm currently reading The Lord of the Rings. 

One evening as I was reading through Corinthians, Andy stopped me to say, "that was really good. Who wrote that?" I told him it was the Bible, Paul had written to the Corinthian church. His next comment was, "He did a good job!"

Another time, he questioned me about the Lord of the Rings story, wondering when it took place. I told him it wasn't real, but fantasy, and he was amazed!

My gardens continue to show off. This week, another of my gumpo pink azaleas decided to go all out. A little behind the other one, but better late than never, right?

And I can't help but keep looking out my back kitchen window at the clematis. It is so lovely with the sun shining on it.

What brings the most joy, though, is my relationship with the Lord. How good he is to me. If I had nothing (no house, no family, no money), I would still have everything in Jesus. 

"Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25, 26