It occurred to me this week that pride and worry go hand in hand. Peter links the two together in 1 Peter 5:6-7, when he tells us to humble ourselves under God's mighty hand, then goes on to command us to cast all our anxieties on God because He cares for us. So doesn't that make sense that if we're worrying, we're not humbly placing ourselves under the mighty and competent hand of God? He is able to take our worries if we cast them on him, which involves humbling ourselves, trusting that he will take care of those worries.
I was meditating on this, just thinking: "what a concept," when the Lord led me to Matthew 11:28 where Jesus is telling his disciples, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
Wow! Jesus was humble, he trusted his Father perfectly. And if we learn from Jesus' example, we will find rest for our souls. Rest, not the stress of worry.
So God continues to teach me. I pray that I will continue to be open to his quiet whisperings in my heart, drawing me to himself, helping me to become more and more like Jesus and letting him take care of me. I know I can't take care of myself and worrying certainly doesn't help either, so I need to humbly submit myself to the care of God - day by day, moment by moment.
The question I hear most often from people is: how is Andy doing? It's a difficult question for me to know how to answer, although I'm grateful that people care. I guess the best way to answer is to keep posting experiences and conversations I have with him.
Andy seems to still know who I am. He tells me he loves me, he expresses his gratitude for "all I'm doing." He tries to have conversations, but I often don't understand what he's talking about.
One evening this past week, he told me he felt like he needed to have some money because there were some people he needed to be able to help. It's pointless to reason with him, so I just went along with him and asked him how much he wanted. He said he thought $200 would be enough to start. So I told him I would have to go to the bank the next day since they were already closed. He was ok with that, and of course, he forgot when I visited the next day. He hasn't mentioned it since.
Another evening, he said he didn't think he could keep on doing what he was doing. I wasn't sure what he was talking about with that statement, but on probing a little, I think he meant he couldn't keep his job. I reminded him that he was "retired." He heaved a sigh of relief, then said he needed to talk to someone about stopping his salary. I told him I would take care of that. And he was satisfied with that answer.
Andy was on a 30 day round of antibiotics for his uti. He finished that medicine so we'll see how long he stays infection free. He struggles constantly with the tremors in his hand and chin. Sometimes, his arm jerks spastically. I mentioned that I didn't think his legs were shaking but he said they do sometimes.
Another day, he told me that he didn't think he would "be here much longer." He couldn't explain why. But I used that opportunity to remind him that our times are in God's hands. He knows the end from the beginning. I also talked about how wonderful heaven will be when we get there.
I continue to read Scripture to him every evening when I visit. It seems to be a great calming influence - for him as well as for me.
This past week, Tommy came over on Tuesday to help me trim my bushes. They were out of control. I borrowed a hedge trimmer from a neighbor. Tommy got them all done in about an hour. In the past, I have tried to trim the bushes myself, but if I use the hedge trimmer, it is so heavy to lift up that I don't last very long. Then, too, I ruined one trimmer years ago by cutting into the cord. So I figure it's better not to try that job myself.
Tommy brought over Kasey and Cole for me to play with while he worked. Kasey liked the Candyland game. She was fascinated with the cards and pictures of the cupcake, cookie and candy cane...not really into game rules yet.
Yesterday, I took a trip down to Ocean City where Dawn, Tommy and kids are spending some vacation time. While the kids napped, Dawn and I went to the boardwalk, got a coffee and walked up and down. What a treat!
When it was time to return to the family, we went back to the car, but couldn't find it. Neither of us had been paying attention when we parked, so we walked up and down a number of streets before we finally found it. My phone said we had walked about 4 miles (but that included our walk up and down the boardwalk, too!). I don't know that Tommy will let us live that down. A couple of airheads! Well, we were making memories!
I've had a little time, here and there, to work in my gardens. They give me lots of pleasure, and I'm so grateful for the beauty of God's creation.
I am amazed that I am feeling at peace with my situation right now. That can only come from the Lord.
Psalm 25:4-10
Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths;
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
I had several opportunities this week to rise above my circumstances and trust God, but I didn't do very well.
On Tuesday, God provided someone who actually came to our house to help me enroll Andy in Medicare. The process is complicated and I was very grateful for that person who gave his time to teach and help me understand, then process Andy's application. He worked with me for 2 hours. What a gift. In spite of my thankfulness for this help, I was also overwhelmed because we didn't finish, and I need to continue the process. Granted, this man offered to help me if I got stuck or had questions. But I couldn't help feeling "at sea" because Andy is on so many medications and several of them are very expensive. I know enough of the Medicare prescription plans to know that you have to pay for the plan, then there are co-pays you also have to pay, which aren't necessarily cheap, especially if you are on expensive medications.
Thinking of all this started me on a downward spiral so that by Thursday, I was selling our house and moving to an assisted living facility. I was a mess.
On top of that, there was a change in one of Andy's medications which probably contributed to his not feeling well for several days. In fact, he not only felt ill, he was also a lot more confused and forgetful. This always leads to my fearfulness and anxiety and worry about the future.
Thankfully, God didn't leave me there. On Thursday, a dear friend met with me and listened to all my fears and held me as I cried. She didn't lecture me or preach to me, she just listened to me, empathized and loved me, and promised to pray for me.
That evening, I felt the need for some soul food and God led me to take down Humility off my book shelf. It's a short little book but packed full of spiritual truth.
Jesus, God himself, humbled himself to become nothing, to become a servant. Think about this, Jesus becoming nothing. I just can't wrap my mind about the fact that God the Son, left heaven, to enter Mary's womb. He became so small he wouldn't even be able to be seen without a microscope - he really did become nothing. Not only that, but his whole life was humble, from his birth in a stable, to his life as a servant to his disciples and everyone else 0who wanted to be healed or ministered to, to his death as a criminal.
Thinking of Jesus' humility led to remembering his mother Mary's response to the angel when she was told she was going to give birth to the Messiah. She said, "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1)
I was convicted of my lack of humility and realized I was focused on me, myself and I. That is pretty depressing! How prone I am to forget that God has a perfect plan for my life, and it is to perfect me and make me more like Jesus and bring him glory. I still have a lot of rough edges that need to be knocked off.
And when you think about it, Jesus was willing to be obedient to the Father's plan even though he knew exactly what was going to happen to him. He didn't have his own agenda but followed through to every exact detail of the Father's plan. So many times, I find my own spirit digging in my heels when I think about the circumstances the Lord is allowing me to go through. Far too many times, I am far from humble. I am a strong willed child wanting my own way and wishing I lived on Easy Street.
Then yesterday morning, I was reading in James 1:12 that the one who perseveres under trial is blessed because "when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." My desire is to be able to persevere in the strength he supplies, not so I can have a reward, but so that I have something to give back to him. Because of course, I can't do this in my own strength. Revelation 4:10 reveals a little of the worship we will be participating in in heaven where the saints will worship Jesus forever and ever and lay their crowns before the throne. He is the one who is "worthy, to receive the glory and honor and power..."
Not everything this week was difficult or sad. On Wednesday, I left work early, got Andy and we went to Dawn's to stay with Kasey until she woke up from her nap. Kira had a dentist appointment. Andy and I just sat in the living room until Kasey woke up. It was a very easy assignment! Even when she woke up, she was content to sit on my lap and be held. As she woke up a little, she was happy to play with my phone. It's amazing that a one year old knows how to look at the pictures, as well as take pictures on the phone.
Then I couldn't help going around our property with my phone snapping pictures of the beautiful foliage. I think I am bordering on needing therapy because of my obsession with all those red, orange, yellow and maroon colors against that blue sky.
Yesterday, after a morning taking care of laundry and some bushes that needed to be trimmed, we headed on out for a walk in the park. We've been to Smithville Park many times - it's one of our favorites. Andy felt good and we must have walked at least two miles. The weather was perfect, and there were enough trees in color to add visual pleasure to our walk.
I didn't think we were going to go out today. We both were a little tired and the weather was threatening sprinkles. But after sitting around for an hour or so, we decided to visit another park. The sun came out intermittently and we had a nice walk along the Delaware River in Amico Island Park. This is another one of our favorites. (We have a lot of favorites!)
It's such a pleasure to drive around right now with all the autumnal beauty. Being in God's creation helps to bring perspective back. How can we ever doubt his love and care? He is such a creative and awesome God. He cares for his world and he cares for me.
I pray my attitude can be like Mary's: "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said."
