This morning another incident came to my mind. When the girls were little, we had a cat. We named her GG because she was feisty and a GoGetter. We had her from the time she was a kitten, and as she got older, she developed a very bad habit of pouncing on Amy, the baby. One day, Amy was coming down the stairs, when we noticed GG crouching at the bottom, waiting for her. Sure enough, when Amy got to the bottom, GG pounced. Then Andy went into action. He was so angry at this cat picking on the baby, he picked her (the cat!) up and threw her across the room. The older girls and I were aghast, but he was adamant that no cat is going to hurt his baby.
Even though he was angry, his anger was against the injustice of others picking on helpless, innocent victims. He had a strong sense of justice for the underdog. There were several times that he helped people in our church who were being victimized, by setting up appointments with a lawyer, even accompanying them and paying for the attorneys' fees.
Over the years he had related to me stories of how he protected his brothers from bullies when he was a kid. Recently his brother told me he remembers Andy punching another guy in the mouth. This guy was very much older than Andy but I'm sure he did or said something to bully someone else and it was more than Andy could take.
I'm glad I have these memories. It makes the current situation more bearable. Our daughters have been texting me pictures of their dad that they have in their memory banks or scrolling on their computers. I love this one of Andy, estimated to be about 15 years ago. He looks so young!
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| Andy is holding a puppy, not a cat! |
Asher imitating his Pop-pop, several years BA (before Alzheimers)
This week was difficult for me in several ways. Andy seemed to be taking another step downward in the progression on his disease. Ironically, I had called the nurse at his facility last week to ask her to have his care givers give Andy cues when he is showering. I told her that he needs to be told what to do, but he can follow directions. This was ironic because only the day after I had this conversation with the nurse, I had occasion to have Andy take a shower. I got him in the shower stall and started giving him cues. But it was obvious he had no idea what I was telling him. Simple things like: get the soap, wash yourself, shampoo your hair. Nope - "no comprende."
Another thing I noticed this week is that he seemed to be sleeping a lot. When I arrived at 5:00 to help him with his dinner, I would have to wake him up. When dinner was finished, we would go back to his room, he would lie down on the bed and fall asleep while I was reading to him. Several of those nights, I would just sit there with him for a while before finally getting up to leave. He didn't wake up as I moved around the room. This seemed unusual for him.
But the last couple of nights he has been more awake and alert, even staying awake through two whole chapters as I read to him. So there are the ups and downs, the uncertainties of the disease, but it helps to remember that God never changes. He is still faithful, His love is unfailing, He is full of grace and mercy toward His children.
As I woke on Wednesday morning, I was reviewing a verse I had recently memorized: Hebrews 4:16. "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say this verse to myself, and then I say to God, "and I am sooooo needy, but what a gift, that I can come to You with confidence and You will give me the grace I need for this day."
As a confirmation to my thoughts, Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word was such a blessing (this particular post is not uploaded on his website yet). He said there are two words God never says to His children. His whole post was a poem and I eagerly kept reading until He mentioned the two words we'll never hear from God: "Go away." I think of this sometimes, how we can become impatient with our own children or other people when they are needy, but God never becomes impatient with us. He is the perfect parent. He wants us to run to Him when we are desperately needy.
Another day this week, when I got to work, I opened the mail. There was an envelope addressed to me and when I opened it, there was $120 in cash enclosed with a note that they were praying for me and I could use the money in whatever way I wanted. How kind of the Lord to give me this encouragement because later in the day, I received word from another source that my money was running out, I needed to get in touch with my lawyer and get working on my Medicaid application. The money and card I received was confirmation that He is working on my behalf and hasn't forgotten me.
I am tempted to worry and fear the future, but He comforts me with his presence, his word and his people along with evidences that he is going to provide. I understand that this trust does not negate my need for action when it is required. But I want to make sure I am listening to God's voice and not rushing ahead of Him and trying to make my own decisions.
I
feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him
do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is
refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my
faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of
practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with
Andy's physical condition.
I am reading again, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory.
I can't say enough good about this book. He really hammers away at the truth of Jesus living his life through me. I am a clay pot, just a vessel, for Jesus to live through. We are to be in "union with the Greater and let Him express Himself though the lesser. We are vessels--containers of the life of God. But we are not the contents of the vessel. God is. We cannot produce His life. We can only express it." (page 115)
How prone we are to forget the truth of the gospel. It's not just that we are forgiven, although that would be good enough. But we've also been given the righteousness of Jesus. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. Amazing. I hope I never get over the beauty and wonder and awesomeness of this truth.
Our pastor calls this the two sides of the cross. On the one side, Jesus took my sins on Himself; on the other side, He gave me His righteousness.
2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ "God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God."
Galatians 2:20 ~ "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure (Jesus) in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
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