"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed." (Luke 10:41)

This is my life at the moment: at sea, adrift, worried about many things, confused, unsettled. I suppose it doesn't help that there are so many changes taking place. I retired, and although I knew it was time, this is another change to the routine of my life. I'm thrilled that I have been able to sleep each morning till I wake up; no alarm after a lifetime of getting up early.

The pastors threw a retirement party for me on Wednesday, my last day. I was so honored and pleased with how they celebrated me and my years of working with them.
 

I took home most of the flowers that were used for decorations and filled three vases with tulips and some roses.

 

There were around 26 people that attended the party and all of them wrote a card full of nice words to and about me.

Then on Sunday morning, Pastor announced to the congregation that I retired after 26 years of working in the church office. He put up a slide with my picture and a list of adjectives that people had used to describe me. It felt a little awkward to me, and I felt my knees go weak but I was thankful that now everyone knows, and I don't have to keep telling people I'm no longer in the office.

You would think that with all this affirmation and positive attention, I would be up on Cloud 9. What was the matter with me? Then the Lord led me to an article that Alisha Bozarth had posted. She is an author who lost her husband in an automobile accident several years ago. She has a beautiful way with words, and her article, Widowhood is More Than... really hit the nail on the head for me. The reason I was struggling in spite of good things happening is because I couldn't share those blessings with the one I love. I think it is ok to reprint her words here. I don't see that it is copyrighted material, and she notes at the bottom of her article that it can be shared.

Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And he's not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without him you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without him.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not his spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for [44] years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

Yes. It is much more than simply missing his presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.
Widowhood…..is life changing.


So reading this and re-reading it, identifying with her words, feeling what she is describing - I consider it a gift from the Lord to help me realize I'm not alone. There are other people who are going through a similar loss. Grieving is natural and normal, and it helps to explain why I am feeling so confused. There are decisions that need to be made, things I need to do, but I don't have the motivation or inclination to do them. It's so much more motivating to do a job if you can share it with your loved one and have him be happy with you on how much you accomplished today. And of course, it's also added incentive if he helps you with that task.

I do feel like Martha, though. I have so many things I need to do, decisions that need to be made, things that are swirling around in my head. But Jesus told Martha that only one thing is needed: to sit at Jesus' feet, listen to his life-giving words, rest in the joy of who he is, just be in his presence. (Luke 10:42) He promises that if we come to him, he will give rest for our souls.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

This morning I read in New Morning Mercies: "Because he controls the details of your life, he is always near; at any moment, you can reach out and touch him. Rest is only ever found in trusting the One who has everything figured out for your good and his glory. Because he is wise, gracious, faithful, and powerful, he is worthy of your trust and is alone able to give your heart rest."

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." ~ Psalm 27:14

It's been over two months since Andy passed from death to eternal life. I didn't know if I would continue my posting. The best word to describe how I was feeling was: "numb." I appreciate my many friends and family members who are concerned about me. I don't always know what to say when they ask how I'm doing. I've come through deep sorrow and at the same time, have experienced moments of great joy.

The day of the memorial service, Pastor told me I could take off as much time as I needed. So I went to work the next day! I reasoned that it would be better than sitting at home by myself. And it was. But after another couple of days, I knew I had to get away. I was physically exhausted and emotionally fragile.

I called my sister in South Carolina and she immediately and graciously urged me to stay with her for a week. I quickly arranged for the office to be covered while I was gone and bought airline tickets.

We didn't have an agenda except to relax and be together. My sister is gifted in hospitality and loves to spend time in her kitchen. She treated me royally with gourmet food and the gift of just sitting in a comfy chair to read, think and chat with her. We did get in a couple of fun things: a pedicure, a hike in nearby woods and a trip to the Biltmore estate.

Raspberry cheesecake with coconut crust

Lemon curd

The grounds at the Biltmore estate in Ashville, NC, had a beautiful display of Chihuly glass sculptures that we enjoyed.

I had to leave SC earlier than I had planned because Hurricane Florence was on the way. I was able to change my flight out without additional cost and got home safely. The time away was such a gift, a respite sorely needed.

Then the following Sunday at church, I really struggled again. Everything reminded me of Andy: the carpet in the lobby (he oversaw the process of replacing it); the auditorium (he worked with Rich on adding decorative molding); walking by the nursery (he loved working with the kids and oversaw the staffing); and even the worship service (how many years had the two of us led worship?). Everyone seemed glad to see me and were kind to ask me how I was doing, but I couldn't help dissolving in tears and admitting: "not good."

But God in His mercy, provided another get away for me. Three Sundays in a row, I missed going to my own church. Don't get me wrong, I love my church, but a break from the pain of all the memories there was essential.

I have been very busy with family in the last several weeks: meeting with Dawn for coffee and conversation; having grandchildren over for special one-on-one time; spending time with the girls and their families, and going to Maine with my special friend, Ruth.

God continues to minister to me through various avenues. I believe He led me to consider what the purpose of the rest of my life should entail. I love the verse Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10 where he stated that he wanted to know Christ and make him known. Then I received Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word on September 26. He talked about the fear of public speaking that many people experience. He went on to teach that many of us are not called to a public ministry of teaching or preaching, but we are all called to be God's instructors to each other.

He went on to explain:

The Apostle Paul instructs us all, in Colossians 3:16, to “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom.” In this context, Paul is talking about the myriad of everyday-life ministry opportunities that God gives to each of his children.

(This passage is not addressing seminary students or pastors or elders. At the beginning of the chapter, he starts with, “If then you have been raised with Christ…” That's all of us, any Christian, regardless of vocation or location.)

So what do these everyday-life ministry opportunities look like? David shares one in Psalm 51:13: “I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.”

This type of teaching doesn’t require us to lay out a comprehensive theology of grace. Most of us wouldn’t be qualified to do that. Instead, this type of teaching requires us to share our stories of rescue and transformation with others.

This one-on-one, informal ministry is not teaching the person about grace. Rather, I am sharing my experience of grace. People learn, not because I’ve opened the dictionary and given them a lecture, but because I’ve shown them the video of grace in operation in my own life.

What qualifies us to teach in the personal ministry context of everyday life is the grace that we have received in our own moments of need. By being willing to share my own story, I am being a tool of transforming grace in their lives...you will always be called to a life of daily gospel transparency.

So there it is. I have experienced God's lavish grace as I've gone through deep waters. I could not do this in my own strength and in my own power. And if God receives great glory by my display of His grace in my life, then doesn't that make all of this worth it? He alone is worthy. I want to make His name great and glorious.

Psalm 66:2
"Sing the glory of His name; make His praise glorious!"

1 Peter 1:3-7
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade -- kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

In a conversation I was having with someone, they were remembering how kind and gentle Andy was/is. Then they asked if he ever got angry. The only incident I could remember at the time occurred in the early days of our marriage when we were in seminary, living in Portland, Oregon. One day, our car had a flat tire and Andy went out to change it. One of the lug nuts was especially tight and he couldn't get it. In frustration, he kicked the tire. I thought it was funny then, and I think it's funny now. Kicking an inanimate object does not resolve the problem, it only hurts the kicker! 

This morning another incident came to my mind. When the girls were little, we had a cat. We named her GG because she was feisty and a GoGetter. We had her from the time she was a kitten, and as she got older, she developed a very bad habit of pouncing on Amy, the baby. One day, Amy was coming down the stairs, when we noticed GG crouching at the bottom, waiting for her. Sure enough, when Amy got to the bottom, GG pounced. Then Andy went into action. He was so angry at this cat picking on the baby, he picked her (the cat!) up and threw her across the room. The older girls and I were aghast, but he was adamant that no cat is going to hurt his baby. 

Even though he was angry, his anger was against the injustice of others picking on helpless, innocent victims. He had a strong sense of justice for the underdog. There were several times that he helped people in our church who were being victimized, by setting up appointments with a lawyer, even accompanying them and paying for the attorneys' fees. 

Over the years he had related to me stories of how he protected his brothers from bullies when he was a kid. Recently his brother told me he remembers Andy punching another guy in the mouth. This guy was very much older than Andy but I'm sure he did or said something to bully someone else and it was more than Andy could take. 

I'm glad I have these memories. It makes the current situation more bearable. Our daughters have been texting me pictures of their dad that they have in their memory banks or scrolling on their computers. I love this one of Andy, estimated to be about 15 years ago. He looks so young!

Andy is holding a puppy, not a cat!

Asher imitating his Pop-pop, several years BA (before Alzheimers)

This week was difficult for me in several ways. Andy seemed to be taking another step downward in the progression on his disease. Ironically, I had called the nurse at his facility last week to ask her to have his care givers give Andy cues when he is showering. I told her that he needs to be told what to do, but he can follow directions. This was ironic because only the day after I had this conversation with the nurse, I had occasion to have Andy take a shower. I got him in the shower stall and started giving him cues. But it was obvious he had no idea what I was telling him. Simple things like: get the soap, wash yourself, shampoo your hair. Nope - "no comprende." 

Another thing I noticed this week is that he seemed to be sleeping a lot. When I arrived at 5:00 to help him with his dinner, I would have to wake him up. When dinner was finished, we would go back to his room, he would lie down on the bed and fall asleep while I was reading to him. Several of those nights, I would just sit there with him for a while before finally getting up to leave. He didn't wake up as I moved around the room. This seemed unusual for him.

But the last couple of nights he has been more awake and alert, even staying awake through two whole chapters as I read to him. So there are the ups and downs, the uncertainties of the disease, but it helps to remember that God never changes. He is still faithful, His love is unfailing, He is full of grace and mercy toward His children.

As I woke on Wednesday morning, I was reviewing a verse I had recently memorized: Hebrews 4:16. "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say this verse to myself, and then I say to God, "and I am sooooo needy, but what a gift, that I can come to You with confidence and You will give me the grace I need for this day."

As a confirmation to my thoughts, Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word was such a blessing (this particular post is not uploaded on his website yet). He said there are two words God never says to His children. His whole post was a poem and I eagerly kept reading until He mentioned the two words we'll never hear from God: "Go away."  I think of this sometimes, how we can become impatient with our own children or other people when they are needy, but God never becomes impatient with us. He is the perfect parent. He wants us to run to Him when we are desperately needy. 

Another day this week, when I got to work, I opened the mail. There was an envelope addressed to me and when I opened it, there was $120 in cash enclosed with a note that they were praying for me and I could use the money in whatever way I wanted. How kind of the Lord to give me this encouragement because later in the day, I received word from another source that my money was running out, I needed to get in touch with my lawyer and get working on my Medicaid application. The money and card I received was confirmation that He is working on my behalf and hasn't forgotten me.

 
I am tempted to worry and fear the future, but He comforts me with his presence, his word and his people along with evidences that he is going to provide. I understand that this trust does not negate my need for action when it is required. But I want to make sure I am listening to God's voice and not rushing ahead of Him and trying to make my own decisions.

I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. 

 

I am reading again, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory.  

 

 

 

I can't say enough good about this book. He really hammers away at the truth of Jesus living his life through me. I am a clay pot, just a vessel, for Jesus to live through. We are to be in "union with the Greater and let Him express Himself though the lesser. We are vessels--containers of the life of God. But we are not the contents of the vessel. God is. We cannot produce His life. We can only express it." (page 115)

How prone we are to forget the truth of the gospel. It's not just that we are forgiven, although that would be good enough. But we've also been given the righteousness of Jesus. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. Amazing. I hope I never get over the beauty and wonder and awesomeness of this truth.

Our pastor calls this the two sides of the cross. On the one side, Jesus took my sins on Himself; on the other side, He gave me His righteousness. 

 

2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ "God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." 

Galatians 2:20 ~ "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure (Jesus) in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

 

"Spiritual growth is sometimes tedious work, one small step at a time." Improvement is gradual. There are seasons in our spiritual life. "Sometimes we will have a short, intense burst of growth (springtime) followed by a period of stabilizing and testing (fall and winter)." (from Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life, page 221)

The stabilizing and testing are just as necessary to our lives as the bursts of growth. We can appreciate spring so much better after having endured the winter. It's why I love living in the northeast. I can like winter only as I think of how temporary it is and how lovely spring will be. But even in winter, there are moments of beauty...as in new fallen snow, of frozen ponds providing recreation to ice skaters, a blazing fire in a fireplace that adds ambiance and coziness, a mug of hot chocolate, just to mention a few. 

Right now my season of life seems to be a certain plodding. One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm conscious of the fact that I need to be content with things at a certain standstill. When people ask me how Andy is or how I am, I say "about the same." And I have to thank God for that answer. God uses the mountain top experience as well as drought times to grow us, mature us, make us more like Jesus.

I think more than ever, my life's theme needs to be:

Help me want the Healer more than the healing
Help me want the Savior more than the saving
Help me want the Giver more than the giving
Help me want you Jesus more than anything 
Written by Becca Mizell and Sam Mizell, recorded by Natalie Grant

I subscribe to Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word and he addressed the subject of change as it relates to the new year. It goes along with the growth process as mentioned above.

"Biblical Christianity, which has the gospel of Jesus Christ at the center, simply doesn't rest its hope in big moments of change. The fact of the matter is that the transforming work of grace is more of a mundane process.

Change typically takes place in ten thousand little moments, not one life-altering event.

The little moments of life are profoundly important precisely because they are the little moments. We live most of our existence in these mundane, everyday moments. For every huge life-changing moment, we experience ten thousand insignificant moments.

The beautiful thing about the gospel is that Jesus Christ offers grace for each of these little moments. The Bible doesn't say, "His mercies are new once a year." No, "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Jesus is named Emmanuel, not just because he came to earth once, but because he makes you the place where he dwells every day. This means he is present and active in all the mundane moments of your daily life.

In these small moments, he is delivering every redemptive promise he has made to you. In these unremarkable moments, he is working to rescue you from you and transform you into his likeness.

By sovereign grace, your Lord will place you in ten thousand little moments that are designed to take you beyond your character, wisdom, and grace so that you'll seek the help and hope that can only be found in him.

In a lifelong process of change, he is undoing you and rebuilding you again - exactly what each one of us needs!"

Even though Monday was a holiday, I went to the office and worked for a couple of hours. I didn't work the whole day as I usually do but it was enough to get me out of the house with something to do. I also had off on Tuesday, so with the long weekend (4 days off in a row), I was happy to go to work for a little while. It gave me a chance to clean up from Sunday and get a head start on my week.

With so much time off, I also baked a batch of cookies, then delivered some to the family next door who shoveled my driveway last Saturday, another couple dozen to a teen who had helped me with a project - house related. I saved some for Tommy, just because he raves over my cookies (probably to ensure that he continues to receive some when I get the urge to bake). After I saw Andy on Monday evening, I stopped by Dawn's to deliver the cookies to Tommy. Unfortunately, he didn't feel well and was already in bed. But I'm sure they didn't last long when he got up the next day. I had the privilege of reading a story to this little guy again. I love it that he is wearing his batman pj's.

We had another snowstorm - a doozy this time, a nor'easter with snow and high winds - on Thursday. I didn't go to work all day, but stayed home. It was a little frustrating because Thursday is my big day of printing all the literature for Sunday. But I couldn't do much about it. I couldn't help but think, though, how Andy and I used to be ready for adventures when it snowed. Guys are a lot more prone to risk snowy, icy roads than women; at least this woman. Let me stay safe and warm! But when Andy oversaw the building and we worked together at the church, we would venture out just to see what the roads were like. I remember one year we made it into the parking lot at church, but then got stuck because the snow was so deep, the car just couldn't push through it. Andy had to get into the building, find a shovel, then dig us out. That is a good and fun memory for me. Of course, I stayed in the car with the heater going full blast while he dug us out. 

Winter of 2011

This time, Tommy came and took care of the driveway for me so I was able to get to work on Friday. By then, the parking lots were plowed and the walkways were cleared. Yes, and because Tommy did that work for me, I felt compelled to make another batch of cookies on Saturday. 

A friend gave me an amaryllis at Christmas. It is an amazing flower. I haven't watered it since she gave it to me and with no attention, it started blooming. Another amazing tidbit on the amaryllis is that it rhymes with Phyllis. The perfect plant for me.
 

 

I continue to visit with Andy every evening at dinner time. One evening as I was feeding him, the man sitting next to us asked Andy how he was doing. Andy didn't say anything, didn't even acknowledge the man by looking at him. He continue to look straight ahead, so I said to him, F asked you how you were doing. Immediately, without a change of expression, he did a thumbs up. 

Tonight he asked me how my classes were going. It seems to be a favorite question for him to ask me. I tell him I'm not taking any classes, then he asks me what I'm doing. I tell him I have a job which leads him to ask where I work. I tell him I work at the church. The conversation usually doesn't go much further than that. This evening when I got up to leave, he told me he would watch the children for me. I told him the children were ok, but he repeated that he would take care of them. I should have thanked him and left it at that, but I told him the children were ok and they could take care of themselves. But he seemed fine with that explanation.

Andy continues to struggle with the tremors in his right hand and chin. His left hand is shaking now, too, as is his right foot. It doesn't seem to be causing him anxiety, though, which is probably a result of medication. I've noticed that the tremors in his hands are very significant if he holds his hands up. If I push his hand down along his side, the tremors stop (at least for a while). Then I take my hand off his, and he raises his hand again, which causes the tremors again. It seems like his hand naturally wants to be closer to his core. I believe this is a Parkinson's symptom. His body wants to close in. 

There have been a number of deaths in families close to me recently: a friend's father, another friend's father-in-law and one of Andy's cousins. These are just good reminders that this life is not all there is...it's only preparation for the life to come, where there will be no sickness or death. 

I love to read 1 Corinthians 15 - the resurrection chapter. Jesus rising from the dead was the greatest victory possible. He conquered death forever, and we no longer need to fear it. 

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (verse 55)

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (verse 57)

This is great incentive to continue in our walk with the Lord, faithfully living a life of faith until He returns for us. Paul continues to exhort: "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you." (verse 58)

A long obedience in the same direction...do not give up or grow weary. God is faithful and will provide what we need when we need it.