"[I am] hard pressed on every side, BUT not crushed; perplexed, BUT not in despair; persecuted, BUT not abandoned; struck down, BUT not destroyed." 

These verses are another example of the "Holy But" that Dan Stone devotes a chapter to in his book, The Rest of the Gospel. He challenges us to live after the BUT. For instance: we can say: "I know God loves me, but it doesn't seem like it...everything is falling apart." Or "I know God is my sufficiency, but I don't really have what I need." This way of looking at life, though, is living "in the junk," in our circumstances.On the other hand, we can let the Holy But be a bridge, which picks us up from where we're stuck and moves us into faith. If we didn't have the negative in life, we'd never exercise faith. The negative is real and should prompt us to move into faith. Instead we can say, "I feel so weak, BUT God is my strength." Or, "I'm in pain, BUT Christ is my sufficiency."

I wish I could say I have this down pat, but in reality, I feel like I failed miserably this week. I was literally in the pit of despair for a day or two, and it took a lot of reading, praying, counseling by friends, talking with family members, preaching to myself what is true, and time to process with the Lord before coming back up to the "green pastures and quiet waters." 

King David uses the Holy But in Psalm 13. He starts out the psalm in doubt and despair: "How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?" Talk about being in the pit of despair! But David doesn't stay there. He reminds himself that he can go to God for answers. Then he uses that word, BUT. "But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because He has dealt bountifully with me." His situation hadn't changed but he remembered who God is and how God had dealt with him in the past. 

It is actually a benefit the longer you live because it means you have a history of God's dealing with you throughout your past. I told someone recently that in all the times Andy changed jobs, there was never a time when he missed a paycheck. When he left seminary and we moved back east, he went straight to a job that was waiting for him. Then when we moved to Washington state for his job as associate pastor, he was immediately put on a salary. When he resigned from the pastorate and we moved back to NJ, again God provided an immediate job for him to move into. There were several other instances as well. God provided, God provided, God provided.

So the bottom line is for me to believe God will provide! You would think that this would be easy for me by now. But I confess it is not. I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. How am I going to pay for the extremely expensive care that Andy needs at this time?

I can't just bring him back home, nor can I place him in an ordinary nursing home. He is at the point where he needs an assisted living mental care facility. He can't care for himself any more. 

Although my trust in God does not negate my own responsibility, I feel like so much of this is out of my control. I am meeting with a financial advisor and have an elder law attorney who are a lot smarter than I am at figuring these things out. So although I don't know the future, I know the God who holds the future. I am encouraged that none of what I'm going through is surprising to Him, nor did it catch Him off guard. He has a purpose in it and He is calling me to trust Him. 

A lot of things are still in the process of being resolved. To relieve some of that mental anguish, I had to get out for some nature therapy yesterday. It was a beautiful day, spring like with blue sunny skies and warm temperatures. I went to Strawbridge Lake in Moorestown because it's more urban. People use the road by the lake for jogging, biking, walking their dogs which feels safer for me since I'm by myself.

 


So no matter how difficult the circumstances I go through, I am not losing heart. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18) I may have moments (hours or days) when I am in the pit of despair, but God does not leave me there. In fact, He is there with me, but He speaks His truths to me, encouraging and ministering to me Himself. And He really is enough!

The other day I heard Casting Crowns sing God of All My Days. I think it was written just for me.

In my worry, God You are my stillness
In my searching, God You are my answers
In my blindness, God You are my vision
In my bondage, God You are my freedom
In my weakness, God You are my power
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days

Each step I take
You make a way
And I will give You all my praise
My seasons change, You stay the same
You're the God of all my days

Songwriters: John Mark Hall / Jason Ingram

God of All My Days lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

God is my stillness, my answers, my vision, my freedom, my power, the reason I can sing...my Everything. 

In a conversation I was having with someone, they were remembering how kind and gentle Andy was/is. Then they asked if he ever got angry. The only incident I could remember at the time occurred in the early days of our marriage when we were in seminary, living in Portland, Oregon. One day, our car had a flat tire and Andy went out to change it. One of the lug nuts was especially tight and he couldn't get it. In frustration, he kicked the tire. I thought it was funny then, and I think it's funny now. Kicking an inanimate object does not resolve the problem, it only hurts the kicker! 

This morning another incident came to my mind. When the girls were little, we had a cat. We named her GG because she was feisty and a GoGetter. We had her from the time she was a kitten, and as she got older, she developed a very bad habit of pouncing on Amy, the baby. One day, Amy was coming down the stairs, when we noticed GG crouching at the bottom, waiting for her. Sure enough, when Amy got to the bottom, GG pounced. Then Andy went into action. He was so angry at this cat picking on the baby, he picked her (the cat!) up and threw her across the room. The older girls and I were aghast, but he was adamant that no cat is going to hurt his baby. 

Even though he was angry, his anger was against the injustice of others picking on helpless, innocent victims. He had a strong sense of justice for the underdog. There were several times that he helped people in our church who were being victimized, by setting up appointments with a lawyer, even accompanying them and paying for the attorneys' fees. 

Over the years he had related to me stories of how he protected his brothers from bullies when he was a kid. Recently his brother told me he remembers Andy punching another guy in the mouth. This guy was very much older than Andy but I'm sure he did or said something to bully someone else and it was more than Andy could take. 

I'm glad I have these memories. It makes the current situation more bearable. Our daughters have been texting me pictures of their dad that they have in their memory banks or scrolling on their computers. I love this one of Andy, estimated to be about 15 years ago. He looks so young!

Andy is holding a puppy, not a cat!

Asher imitating his Pop-pop, several years BA (before Alzheimers)

This week was difficult for me in several ways. Andy seemed to be taking another step downward in the progression on his disease. Ironically, I had called the nurse at his facility last week to ask her to have his care givers give Andy cues when he is showering. I told her that he needs to be told what to do, but he can follow directions. This was ironic because only the day after I had this conversation with the nurse, I had occasion to have Andy take a shower. I got him in the shower stall and started giving him cues. But it was obvious he had no idea what I was telling him. Simple things like: get the soap, wash yourself, shampoo your hair. Nope - "no comprende." 

Another thing I noticed this week is that he seemed to be sleeping a lot. When I arrived at 5:00 to help him with his dinner, I would have to wake him up. When dinner was finished, we would go back to his room, he would lie down on the bed and fall asleep while I was reading to him. Several of those nights, I would just sit there with him for a while before finally getting up to leave. He didn't wake up as I moved around the room. This seemed unusual for him.

But the last couple of nights he has been more awake and alert, even staying awake through two whole chapters as I read to him. So there are the ups and downs, the uncertainties of the disease, but it helps to remember that God never changes. He is still faithful, His love is unfailing, He is full of grace and mercy toward His children.

As I woke on Wednesday morning, I was reviewing a verse I had recently memorized: Hebrews 4:16. "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I say this verse to myself, and then I say to God, "and I am sooooo needy, but what a gift, that I can come to You with confidence and You will give me the grace I need for this day."

As a confirmation to my thoughts, Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word was such a blessing (this particular post is not uploaded on his website yet). He said there are two words God never says to His children. His whole post was a poem and I eagerly kept reading until He mentioned the two words we'll never hear from God: "Go away."  I think of this sometimes, how we can become impatient with our own children or other people when they are needy, but God never becomes impatient with us. He is the perfect parent. He wants us to run to Him when we are desperately needy. 

Another day this week, when I got to work, I opened the mail. There was an envelope addressed to me and when I opened it, there was $120 in cash enclosed with a note that they were praying for me and I could use the money in whatever way I wanted. How kind of the Lord to give me this encouragement because later in the day, I received word from another source that my money was running out, I needed to get in touch with my lawyer and get working on my Medicaid application. The money and card I received was confirmation that He is working on my behalf and hasn't forgotten me.

 
I am tempted to worry and fear the future, but He comforts me with his presence, his word and his people along with evidences that he is going to provide. I understand that this trust does not negate my need for action when it is required. But I want to make sure I am listening to God's voice and not rushing ahead of Him and trying to make my own decisions.

I feel this is a test for me. Will I commit my way to the Lord and let him do the work? Our faith is precious - more precious than gold that is refined by fire. I am being refined and I want God to be pleased with my faith. This is not an easy test for me. I confess that I think of practically nothing else. At times, it is all-consuming, along with Andy's physical condition. 

 

I am reading again, The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone and David Gregory.  

 

 

 

I can't say enough good about this book. He really hammers away at the truth of Jesus living his life through me. I am a clay pot, just a vessel, for Jesus to live through. We are to be in "union with the Greater and let Him express Himself though the lesser. We are vessels--containers of the life of God. But we are not the contents of the vessel. God is. We cannot produce His life. We can only express it." (page 115)

How prone we are to forget the truth of the gospel. It's not just that we are forgiven, although that would be good enough. But we've also been given the righteousness of Jesus. When God looks at me, He sees Jesus. Amazing. I hope I never get over the beauty and wonder and awesomeness of this truth.

Our pastor calls this the two sides of the cross. On the one side, Jesus took my sins on Himself; on the other side, He gave me His righteousness. 

 

2 Corinthians 5:21 ~ "God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." 

Galatians 2:20 ~ "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

2 Corinthians 4:7 ~ "But we have this treasure (Jesus) in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

 

"I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together." Psalm 34:1-3

How good God is to me. I was so low last weekend, but God was working on my behalf. Two weeks ago, in staff meeting, I mentioned that I thought I needed to keep Andy home from church. It was too hard for him to sit in the service for that amount of time. The staff prayed about this for me and suggested that perhaps someone could stay with him so that I could attend church. It wasn't long before God began to answer. 

Only two days later, Dawn called me to say D & A had asked her if there was anything they could do to help Andy and me. I immediately suggested to Dawn about my dilemma regarding church. When Dawn told D & A, they were excited to be able to do this. Then as Dawn happened to be with her father-in-law, she asked him if he would like to take a Sunday. He also said yes. A couple days later, Dawn suggested I contact Andy's two brothers, Dan & Jeff, to see if they would mind taking one Sunday a month. I did and they agreed.

Then someone from church asked me in an email how we were doing because he hadn't seen us in a while. When I told him about the church situation, he said he would pray about this, too. A couple days later, he wrote back to say that his community group wanted to take turns sitting with Andy and there were about 3 more people who wanted to take a turn. Can you believe it??? It's like God opened up the windows of heaven and poured out his blessing of provision.

It will seem strange to go to church alone without Andy, but it is obviously God's care to provide for me to be able to go and fellowship with others.

I was also encouraged Sunday night in my reading. I have just finished reading Second Forgetting again, and I "happened" to be at chapter 6 on Sunday night. 




Chapter 6 is entitled, "God's Grace for Caregivers." Everything I read in that chapter was an encouragement to me, drawing me back to God's perspective. 

"As a caregiver, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you too have a caregiver, one who can surpassingly meet all of your needs. Christ is our caregiver."

And Christ is our model for giving care.

"God calls us to walk in the way of love. How? By remembering what Christ has done for us and following his example in the way we treat others. You make many sacrifices to provide care for someone with dementia. In a concrete way you are putting the needs of someone else before yourself. This is a practical and present expression of Christ's own sacrificial love, and we are called to live this way in imitation of Christ. Ephesians 5 tells us that we should give ourselves up for others as Christ did for his church. When we give of ourselves and give up parts of ourselves to provide for someone else who cannot provide for their own needs, we are proclaiming the gospel through our example."

The author quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer with words that are particularly appropriate about the humility needed as we serve others: "Nobody is too good for the lowest service...We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God, who will thwart our plans and frustrate our ways time and again, even daily, by sending people across our path with their demands and requests."

He also reminded me that "caregiving highlights our insufficiency." How desperate is my need, I cannot do what he's called me to do without his enabling strength and power.

"The One who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Andy's disease seems to be progressing rapidly. Several doctors and the CEO at The Tender have told me this. And I really didn't need their input. It's obvious to me, as well. Last year this time, we were hiking all around the parks of south Jersey. But I think our hiking days are over. Any little exertion is exhausting for Andy. But at the same time, the days are interminably long if we stay in the house all day. So I've taken to going for rides. Last Sunday afternoon, we rode down to Pakim Pond. Today we rode out past Black Run Preserve. I'm not sure how much Andy gets out of these rides. He doesn't talk or communicate while we're driving. But it's getting him out of the house, which is good as long as we still can.

He saw his neurologist on Thursday and I asked about Andy's constant tremors. The doctor said, "Well, it is a progressive disease." But he said he could try increasing Andy's medications. So I am now giving Andy innumerable pills 5 times a day. So far, I haven't seen that they've made any difference.

The amazing thing to me is that although Andy can no longer put whole sentences together or carry on a meaningful conversation, he still prays at dinner every evening. He sometimes forgets to thank God for our food, but he does speak clearly and most of the time, his sentences in his prayer make sense. I think it is an indication of who Andy is at his core. He is a man of God. And another thing I really liked in Second Forgetting is the statement that we may forget God, but He doesn't forget us. Isn't it obvious that God is remembering both Andy and me in the way he continues to bless us and give us evidence that he is with us?

I am thankful for our family who has determined to pull together and not abandon us at this time. Even though the time together may be hard as we see Andy get progressively worse, we derive comfort and encouragement from each other by being together.

We had dinner together yesterday afternoon. I made a sandwich casserole that is always a big hit.

 
And we were able to get all the kids together for a picture with us. With this many people in the picture, it is rare to get everyone looking just right all at the same time. But I like looking at the pictures, personalities come shining through!

      
After all the rain from Hurricane Matthew, it was nice to see the sun come out this afternoon. It was a good reason to go out for another drive. We went to Strawbridge Lake and even got out of the car and walked a little way, enjoying the sunshine sparkling on the water.
 

 "Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8
 

Loving Creation loves the Creator!

It had been awhile since we'd been able to enjoy the outdoors. Tuesday was a rainy day, and not just rain or drizzle, but RAIN with wind driving the rain sideways. It was miserable. In the morning, Dawn had a doctor's appointment so I went with her to hold the baby and take care of Kasey while she was in with the doctor. Cole is amazing - what a cool, calm baby. He was awake the whole time I held him but was content to just look around and not make a peep. 
  

So after such a long time of being indoors, we took the opportunity on Friday afternoon to get out. It was unbelieveably cold - only 39 degrees with a chilly breeze. But it was so good to get the nature therapy. 

I read Spurgeon's comments on nature and resonated with his statements:  "I like to see my Savior on the hills and by the shores of the sea! I hear my Father's voice in the thunder and listen to the whispers of his love in the cadence of the sunlit waves. These are my Father's works and therefore, I admire them and I seem all the nearer to him when I am among them."

I love the ocean, too, but the woods affect me the same way. Even in the winter, there are many colors and interesting things to take note of: trees tall and majestic or twisted in pleasing and unusual shapes, bird calls, bushes and foliage, and of course, ponds or water of any kind.

Loving creation is loving the Creator!

We went to Black Run Preserve and walked in the woods, an estimated 2 miles.

More of Spurgeon: "Surely everything that comes from the hand of such a Master Artist as God has something of himself in it. The Lord rejoices in his works and shall not his people do so?"

Because of unfit weather, we had been working on another puzzle. It was an extremely difficult one with a lot of black and brown pieces. We got all the pieces in except for the black, when it was obvious that there were about 12 pieces missing. Ugh! Typically, I don't give up on seemingly impossible tasks like this. I just have to gut it out, see it through to the bitter end. But in this case, when I realized there were so many pieces missing, I confess I gathered up the puzzle and threw it in the trash.

Just look at all those black pieces, looking exactly alike. Puzzles are supposed to be brain training and a challenge, but they just produce stress when there are pieces missing. So I'm not even going to feel guilty for junking that one!

What a contrast the weather was on Saturday. The temperature got up to 60 degrees. It was somewhat cloudy, but very mild and warm. So off we went again, this time to Rancocas State Park. There was one part of the trail we hadn't been on, so we took that one. We didn't stay very long, though, because we were both tired.

Ecclesiastes 11:7 - "Light is sweet, and it is pleasant for the eyes to behold the sun. For if a man lives many years, let him rejoice in them all." 

"We can and should rejoice as we live the life God gives us. There is color, light, warmth and beauty in God's world. There are people who say and do kind things. Life brings many delightful moments." (Your Father Loves You by J.I. Packer, August 21 reading)

Speaking of kind things that people do...someone anonymously left Valentine's balloons at our door last Saturday night with an encouraging note. And someone else gave us $75 in Shop Rite gift cards. Delightful moments indeed. Reminders that God is caring for us.

Andy's confusion and memory loss continues. One evening this past week, he came out of the living room, looked at me and asked where Phyllis was. I raised my hand, then he said, "oh, upstairs?" I had to tell him I was Phyllis. These kinds of conversations are occurring constantly. He is even confused in our own house. He asks me where the bathroom is, if there's someone else in the house, who my parents are, etc. Last night, he told me he wanted me to go get Phyllis and bring her back to the house. Sigh!

It's harder for me to think of things to help occupy him. This afternoon we went out and did some yard work together. As long as I am with him, he does ok. But I do have to keep my eye on him! It was nice and warm again, so pleasant to be outside. 

A couple of weeks ago, I made up a list of jobs I wanted to get done around the house and yard. Yesterday Andy helped me move furniture away from the walls as I dusted the baseboards. That was very helpful of him, even though I had to give him directions on how I wanted him to move it. He still has the muscle I don't!

This afternoon I was looking for something when I decided I needed to organize the "kids' drawer" with the crayons and coloring books. As I was sorting through papers, I found a group of cards that had been made by the Lindsays for Andy's birthday several years ago. That was such a fun memory to look at them again.

 Each had been lovingly hand made by the children and C & C (Claire hadn't been born yet). The funniest was a poem created for Andy:
   Who's so handy,
   Can sing so grandly?
   Who thinks his wife's as sweet as candy?
   Whose grandkids are so dandy?
   Who's glad his name's not Randy?
   You guessed it! It's Andy!

From Naomi:
Dear Pop-pop,
Thank you for being nice because you love us. Thank you for wrestling with us and going on vacation with us. Thank you for letting us sleep in your house...Love Naomi


From Grace:
To all the people who like to fix things because they might have to fix this card.
Dear Poppop. Happy birthday! This pop-up card is for you ...I hope you enjoyed it. (She had glued a little spring inside the card that was supposed to pop up when he opened it!)

What sweet memories! Yes, even in our difficult circumstances, God still floods our lives with happiness and joy. 

"The joy of the Lord is my strength." Nehemiah 8:10  

Reminiscing

Last year this time, we were in Hawaii as a special treat for our 40th anniversary.  What wonderful memories we made in such a beautiful place.  Someone asked us recently what did we like best about our trip.  There were too many "best" things to narrow it down to one. 

Our 41st anniversary came and went without much notice.  We didn't even give each other a card, although we did wish each other:  "Happy anniversary."  But lately I've been thinking about our life together and what a blessing it has been.  When you're young and your whole life is before you, there's no way to know what lies ahead.  And that's a good thing, I think, because I don't know if we'd have the courage to go through with it if we did know.  At a typical wedding, we vow that we will remain faithful in "sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, till death do us part."  Well, in 41 years, I think we've hit all those conditions.

Would I do it again?  Oh yes, a thousand times yes.  Over the years, I've enjoyed hearing Andy relate how we met and fell in love.  He likes to say that he saw me and knew he wanted to get to know me before I knew he existed.  We were in the same class at what was then PCB (Philadelphia College of Bible) back in the 70's.  He thought I was off limits because I had a ring on my finger.  Yes, I was engaged, but that guy didn't go to the college so he wasn't in any of our classes.  God had other plans for me, though, and that spring the engagement was called off.  

The next fall, Andy and I were in another class together and this time the teacher seated us alphabetically.  The desks in the room were arranged horizontally so Andy W was seated right next to Phyllis Y.  We were elbow to elbow!  The rest of the class oohed at us and that was the beginning of our courtship!  The name of that class was Methods and Materials of Christian Education.  Andy always liked to add at this point in his narrative that:  "He had the methods and I had the materials."

Andy was so sweet natured and kind right from the beginning.  I found myself wondering if he was for real and when would he show his true self.  But that was his true self.  He has always been loving and accepting of me, never critical or harsh.  

In the spring of 1973, Andy invited me to attend the spring formal with him.  
 

About a week before, I made a little joke about the benefit to my having a skill that would be able to help support him as he went through seminary.  He told me that we should not joke about that - that we weren't ready to talk about marriage.  Yup - he shut me down!  I thought to myself, "That's ok, I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for you to make up your mind."

But I found out later that was to put me off...he wanted to surprise me.  So after the formal, we went with 2 other couples to Atlantic City to walk on the boardwalk.  Each couple went their own way.  One couple was already engaged, the other couple became engaged, then so did we!  It was very cold on the boardwalk and I was wearing my winter coat.  

By the way, we were in Atlantic City but this was before there were casinos there.  The boardwalk was deserted that night except for us.  Andy took me to a set of stairs going down to the beach, then gave me a little gift wrapped package.  He had me open it, then as I opened it, he asked me if I would marry him.  When I saw what was inside the package, it was a fake diamond ring.  So I asked him, if he was kidding!  After he assured me he wasn't kidding, he was very serious, I finally said "yes."  

Of course, it makes a good story for him to tell people that when he asked me to marry him, I asked him if he was kidding.  But in my defense, just a week earlier I had been told we weren't ready to talk marriage, then when I opened the gift, I see a bubble gum machine ring.  What would a normal girl think!!!

It's been an exciting path that God has led us on these 41 years.  There have been mountains and valleys, as well as level paths, but we have had each other and God has been with us all the way.  I admit I prefer the level paths in the Pine Barrens of south Jersey.  It's easy and not so stressful.

This afternoon we climbed Apple Pie Hill (all of 207 feet above sea level).  Just that little bit of a climb set my heart racing and my legs screaming for oxygen.

 

That's as far as he went!

the view from the top!

But if you make the effort, it's worth it when you get to the top.  I have to admit, the view from the top of Apple Pie Hill isn't as amazing as some of the views we've seen from other mountain tops.  But there is something about being on top of the "mountain" that gives a feeling of accomplishment.


You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.  Psalm 16:11