Sometimes there's a fine line between two options. I was faced with that this week. With Tuesday being a holiday, I had received a couple of invitations to spend time with friends. Although it was tempting to accept and be with people, I felt prompted by the Lord to stay home and have some quiet, alone time. I don't think either decision was right or wrong, and God works in our lives no matter, or in spite of, what we do.

I woke early and decided to do some yard work while it was still cool. It was a very pleasant morning, but as I began to work, I couldn't help but think about how lonely I was. I remembered how only a year ago, Andy and I worked together on our yard projects. What a help he was to me, even in his disability. After all, he is taller and stronger than I am! Well, one thought led to another and before I knew it, I was on the road to "woe is me." But then the Lord reminded me that Jesus is with me. He never leaves me alone.

When I came into the house, I turned on the computer and checked my blog. I was shocked to see that 59 people had looked at it. The day before there had only been 5 visits. I was immediately encouraged...it was an indication that people care. Then I checked facebook and saw that Christy had posted a picture of me reading to Andy. She said some very lovely things that brought tears to my eyes. And I was encouraged further. Throughout the rest of the week, people continued to comment on Christy's post and check out my blog. As of today, 150 people have read my blog. I am truly humbled. 

Frankly, I don't feel that I'm doing anything all that special. Andy was always such an example of selfless love to me. I often told him he was a beautiful example of Ephesians 5, where husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Andy always valued my opinions and input, never put me down, always encouraged and made me feel valuable. He was always thinking of me and how to please me. So my care of him now is my current calling. It pains me to see him suffer, and I want to do all I can to turn his eyes to Jesus. God's Word gives life and will not return void. So it is the best "medicine" for him at this time. I'm not saying this is easy. But God does not ask us to do anything but that He doesn't go with us and give us His strength to endure with joy.

Later that same morning, Andy's dad invited me to come over to their apartment. He said he had just bought some blueberries from a farm and I could have as many as I wanted. I took a baggie over to take some. He kept telling me to take more. When I asked him how much I owed him, he said nothing, he got them for me. How gracious of him.

God continued to "show up" all day, giving me indications in big and small ways that He was with me and had not forgotten me. It's tempting to feel guilty when you are emotionally needy, but God knows we're needy and loves to meet our needs. 

Someone I don't even know handed me two pies on Sunday; one was a chicken pot pie, the other a cherry pie. I had never seen the man before, and I don't even think he knew who I was. He came toward me and asked if I knew Phyllis. I told him I was Phyllis, then he handed me those two pies. Both pies lasted for 4 meals. I didn't have to cook at all this week and each time I sat down to eat, I was reminded that God cares for me.

I "found" Isaiah 64:4 several years ago: "No eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." One of the hardest things we have to do as people is wait. Even a two year old would rather do things herself, telling everybody: "self, self."

But if we wait for God, letting Him do the work, His ways are so much better and more creative than what we could come up with. Often our forging ahead is just a disaster, but waiting gives God opportunity to show Himself to be great and awesome.

I took Andy to the urologist twice this week. On Wednesday, the care facility arranged for medical transport to take him. I met him there. Andy was so cute. When the doctor came into the exam room, Andy told him he looked familiar. Of course, it's the urologist Andy has been seeing for close to ten years. And into the exam, Andy told him he was doing a good job! - So positive and affirming. I can't tell you how grateful I am that even in his illness, Andy is not combative. He is always appreciative, positive, and kind.

I took Andy back to the urologist on Friday afternoon for another check up. He seems to be doing well after his hospitalization. This time, I drove him in my car. I was a little nervous about that because my last experiences with him in the car were traumatic, dealing with trying to keep him buckled in while I was driving. But the transport is expensive, and in talking to the nurse at his care facility, we decided that he is at a different stage in the illness than he was five months ago. Thankfully, the drive went smoothly and without incident.

I spent more time in my gardens Saturday morning and have now completed the weeding - at least till they grow again. My current flowers blooming are cone flower (echinacea), rose of sharon and hydrangea lacecap, all pink.

In desperation one morning, I pulled a book down off the shelf. It happened to be Devotional Classics, edited by Richard J. Foster and James Bryan Smith.

The very first selection was an essay that included excerpts from Mere Christianity. C.S. Lewis says that the Christian way is different. It is both harder and easier. 

"Christ says, 'Give me ALL. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there. I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked -- the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."

"Both harder and easier than what we are all trying to do. You have noticed, I expect, that Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, 'Take up your cross' -- in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, 'My yoke is easy and my burden light.' He means both." 

I often wonder when we sing songs of surrender: "Do I really mean it?" I want to surrender all, but there's a part of me that wants what I want. I don't want to suffer. But this might not be all bad. Because this world is not as it was meant to be. Even creation groans, waiting to be redeemed. So as C.S. Lewis says in another place, "If I find in myself desires that nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." 

And that is our hope...a better world, where Jesus reigns and sorrow and suffering are only a distant memory.  

Every tear will be wiped away
Every sorrow and sin erased
We'll dance on seas of amazing grace
In Heaven, In Heaven
Heaven,  Writer(s): Chris Tomlin, Jason Ingram, Jonas Myrin, Ed Cash

"There is nothing which shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every cross is a message from God, and intended to do us good in the end. Trials are intended to make us think -- to wean us from the world -- to send us to the Bible -- to drive us to our knees. Health is a good thing but sickness is far better if it leads us to God. Prosperity is a great mercy; but adversity is a greater one if it brings us to Christ. Anything, anything is better than living in carelessness and dying in sin."
(J.C. Ryle, quoted in If God is Good by Randy Alcorn)

What a week this has been. It started out with Amy and the kids coming down again, this time to leave Joanna with me for her overnight birthday treat. We did a quick visit with Andy at Care One, quick because after only a few minutes, he got up and said he had to go on to something else. Maybe I should have taken the hint that he might not be feeling well, but he had dismissed his visitors before this, and I really just thought it was part of his disease to lose interest and not understand that we were there to see him. 

So Joanna and I went to our house and settled in to having dinner, playing in the driveway with her new birthday toy from her parents, and then the usual movie and ice cream together.

The next morning turned out really nice and beautiful after a night of rain. I thought we should probably go hiking as soon as possible while the humidity was low and the temperature cool. I made sure to spray both Joanna and myself with bug spray to keep the mosquitoes off, and away we went - to the Rancocas State Park again. What an enjoyable hike it was, too. Each grandchild I've gone with this year has been such a wonderful treat for me. Their conversations are entertaining and revealing - they are amazingly knowledgeable about a variety of subjects, they are observant of nature and things around them, and they are all fun to be with. I wasn't sure if Joanna could walk a full 3 miles, but she was a trooper the whole trail, keeping up with me the entire time.

We went back home and I got Joanna started watching a video, while I planned to get a load of laundry done. I was just settling in to watch it with her when I got a call from Care One. The nurse said she felt Andy needed to be admitted to the hospital because he had fainted and his blood pressure was extremely low. She asked me if I wanted him admitted. I guess she had to get my permission. I had heard that each time an Alzheimer's patient goes to the hospital, it makes their disease progress a little more and they usually don't come back to the level they were before the hospital stay. So when she asked my permission, I hemmed and hawed - just feeling overwhelmed - what is the right decision, what if I do the wrong thing? I had the presence of mind to ask the nurse if anyone would be going with him. She told me that he would be transported and the people going with him would take him to the E.R. but they would not be staying with him. I knew I needed to be there to help with the admissions process because he couldn't answer all the questions they would be asking him. But now I'm really in a fix because neither can I leave Joanna at home alone.

But God already was working on my behalf to solve this problem. As I was trying to figure out what to do, I noticed that Dan's car was in the driveway. Dan is Andy's brother who comes over several times a week to hang out with his mom and dad. As I explained the situation to Dan and his parents, they immediately gave ideas on what to do. Dan was able to drive Joanna to Dawn's house where she played with her cousins the rest of the day, and I was able to go to the hospital to take care of Andy. 

I got to the hospital in good time, he was still in the hallway waiting to be assigned to a room in the E.R. I was so relieved. It wasn't long before lab work was returned with the diagnosis of a UTI. This was so confusing to me because he was already on medication for this very thing. Apparently the antibiotic he was on wasn't strong enough to kill the bacteria that was infecting him.

Andy was put on IV fluids and antibiotics. I stayed with him till he was settled in his room, met with the nurse assigned to him - until I was sure he was going to be all right. I returned in the evening for another couple of hours. So the next few days included runs to the hospital, working a couple of hours here and there, and doing some necessary things at home. 

On Wednesday evening while there, Dawn stopped by to visit, too. When she walked in the room, she asked Andy how he was doing. He didn't hesitate, but answered, "I'm having a ball." Really??? Actually, I think he was pleased to be getting the attention from the nurses and me. And subconsciously perhaps, he knew his UTI was being addressed.

I thought his hospital stay would be longer so was pleasantly surprised when the doctor informed us on Thursday that he would be discharged that day. They were going to switch from IV antibiotic to oral medicine and triple the dosage he had been taking prior to Tuesday.

So by Thursday afternoon, he was back at Care One. I went to visit as usual that evening and he seemed to be doing well enough.

Friday and Saturday were pleasant relief from the cares and anxiety of Andy in the hospital. A son of a staff member got married on Friday afternoon and I had planned to attend the wedding. I was so glad I did. I went with a friend, and there were many of our church friends who were in attendance. I felt so loved and supported by everyone. It was so nice to have something happy to focus on. Plus, it was a blessing to witness a wedding that was so beautiful, lovely and God-honoring. At the reception, watching the radiant happiness of the bride and groom, I was picturing the marriage supper of Jesus and us, his bride in heaven some day. What a wonderful day that will be. My heart was filled with joy at the thought.

When I got home later that evening, I was in the process of relaxing and getting ready for bed when I got a call from Care One. The nurse told me that Andy seemed to be having a reaction to the medication he was on. (No wonder - triple the dosage???) His hands were all swollen and red, she said, and thought it would be best to stop the medicine. She said she would be in contact with the doctor. Somehow, I don't think stopping the medicine completely is going to take care of his problem. I plan to make some calls tomorrow.

I went in to see him on Saturday morning. He was pretty flat line, so I didn't stay very long. He had gotten a shower and it looked like he was being cared for (which is what I was interested in knowing).

Every year, my family has a big get together in Berks County at my brother's home. My brothers and sisters and as many of our children as can make it are invited to be there. We usually do the party on the Saturday closest to July 4th. I went to Dawn and Tommy's and let them drive the two hours. This was a big help for me because I was pretty tired out from the week's stress and activities.

My nephew brings his food truck, parks it on the property and serves us all. This year there were over 80 people who came to the picnic. He is a professional chef and the food is amazing. 

Mid-afternoon, we got rained on. Even sitting under pavilions we got wet because the rain was so heavy. I happened to be sitting at the edge of one of those pavilions and my back was soaked the rest of the day. The kids didn't mind, though. A huge slip and slide was set up for them and they had a ball on that. If you don't believe that the slip and slide was anything special, check out the video links:

https://www.facebook.com/wendell.yoder.7/videos/1370012179715430/
https://www.facebook.com/tsherf/videos/10159080818435245/


Later, the sun came out and all the kids (big and little) jumped in the pool. Tommy took over as organizer of the kids, coming up with all kinds of contests for them. There was quite a line of them waiting their turn!

A great time was had by all.


At church today, people were asking me how things were going. As I told them about my week with Andy, I had to add that even in the middle of intense, crazy things we don't expect, God still gives us moments of joy. It's a joy unspeakable and full of glory because if we keep our eyes on Jesus and trust him in the circumstance, we will not be overwhelmed by those circumstances.


I was reading to Andy tonight from Hebrews 3 and 4. The final verses of chapter 4 tell us that Jesus is our great high priest. He has been tempted in every way, just as we are --yet without sin. Because he was tempted as we are, he can sympathize with us in our own weaknesses. He knows how it feels: 

• to be exhausted
• discouraged with the hopelessness of the situation
• concerned with the illness of loved ones
• burdened down with the unknown
• lonely
• desiring for the hard thing to be taken away

In spite of these weaknesses, he didn't give in to temptation. He never sinned, which qualifies him to be the perfect High Priest. We can approach the throne of grace with confidence. There "we receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:14-16)

There's a place where mercy reigns and never dies
There's a place where streams of grace flow deep and wide
Where all the love I've ever found comes like a flood
Comes flowing down

At the cross, at the cross
I surrender my life
I'm in awe of You,  I'm in awe of You
Where Your love ran red and my sin washed white
I owe all to You, I owe all to You, Jesus

There's a place where sin and shame are powerless
Where my heart has peace with God and forgiveness
Where all the love I've ever found
Comes like a flood, comes flowing down

Here my hope is found
Here on holy ground
Here I bow down, here I bow down
Here arms open wide
Here You save my life
Here I bow down, here I bow

At The Cross,  Writer(s): Matt Armstrong, William R. Newell, Jenna Cowart, Benji Cowart

As Andy's disease progresses, he becomes more discouraged, frustrated, and even annoyed at his condition. The constant trembling in his right hand is wearing him out. He doesn't know what to do about it, and I certainly don't know either. One evening this week as I was visiting him, he said he'd like to talk to the doctor about his options. As I pressed him to explain what he meant, I finally figured out that he wanted to talk about end of life issues. I told him the doctor couldn't do that, our lives are in God's hands. He agreed with me. And not too much later, with his hand jerking and trembling, he again said he wanted to talk about options. When I pressed again, he said maybe the doctor could cut off his hand. Yikes! That's getting quite extreme, but I think it is a good indication of how frustrating it must be for him to have that constant, uncontrollable tremor. 

I've talked to the doctor on a number of occasions about the tremor: isn't there a medication that can help reduce that? And a number of times, the dosage has been increased. But I have not seen any change any time there has been an increase. 

In spite of our questions, I can see God at work. 

I am constantly affirmed in the decision I made to admit Andy to the facility where he is. He has a physical therapist (PT) and speech therapist (ST) working with him in different areas. The PT has been taking Andy on walks around the property or to the park or just up the street. His goal was to get him physically up to walking about a mile and then have me surprise him by meeting him at a restaurant for lunch. I was up to that idea but had my doubts as to Andy's ability to accomplish that goal.

But the PT said he thought Andy was ready to try it and we set the date for Wednesday. I got to the restaurant first, then I saw Andy and the PT coming towards me. When I saw Andy, I knew immediately that he was exhausted. He saw me and recognized me, and he half-heartedly raised his hand to wave at me. It was all he could do to make it inside the restaurant. I really don't think he enjoyed the meal because he was in agony. The PT was very kind and attentive to Andy, helping him when his tremors were making it hard to drink or eat. I offered to drive them back to the facility. It was the first time Andy had been in a car since Nov. 30 when he was admitted.

The next day, Thursday, I got a call from the administrator at the facility. She and the head nurse wanted to let me know that Andy had been telling them that he wanted to die. I was surprised that he had mentioned that to others and I told them that. I also told them that I had responded to Andy that our lives were in God's hands, and they said that Andy had also told them that.

After the call, I felt like I needed to wait to hear from the Lord. In his grace, he gave me the strength to keep from coming unglued emotionally and to think rationally about the whole situation. After I left work, I decided to go over to the facility and discuss this situation a little more with whoever was available. The Lord provided a chance to talk to the head nurse. I told her I appreciated what the PT and ST were trying to do with Andy but I wasn't sure it was what he needed or if he could come up to what their goals for him were. She agreed with me and said that perhaps going out of the facility brought back too many remembrances of what he had lost. And perhaps seeing pictures of his family (what the ST had suggested I do with him) was another reminder of a life he didn't have any more. Perhaps at this stage of his disease, that was not helpful for him. I agreed with her and was so relieved that it was her idea. My thoughts had also been going in that direction, but I didn't necessarily have the opportunity to express it to any one there. And besides, I'm not a professional, what do I know?

I have been so thankful for the staff at this facility. I feel they are becoming familiar with Andy and his needs. They seem to be learning who he is, are sensitive to what he can and can't do. I'm grateful that they keep me in the loop, and I can talk things over with them any time. They are always available to me. Sometimes, I think I need as much care as Andy does! And it's obvious that they really like him and care about him. This is very comforting to me.

These experiences are good reminders that God directed our steps in admitting Andy. It's tempting to forget this when I see other wives caring for their husbands at home - seemingly endlessly. But I must resist the temptation to compare. Each situation is different and God works in each situation uniquely.

I miss sharing my life and what I'm doing with Andy, though. And sometimes I almost feel guilty that I feel so good in comparison with him and that I still enjoy my life. 

I was able to go to my -0th high school reunion yesterday up in Berks County, PA. The reunion was held in our high school, so we sat in our cafeteria - just like all those years ago.
There were 123 in my graduating class and I thought there was a good showing of us. (I counted 41.)

I was almost surprised that I had such a good time. One of my best friends was there but really it was fun to meet everyone. All the angst we felt as teenagers was gone, and we all hugged each other and had fun reminiscing about such and such a teacher, our class trips, or the senior prank the guys pulled. 

Our school had four wings with a courtyard in the middle. If we knew which class was across the way, we'd sometimes flash the blinds in our window and see if we could get another class to flash back! I was in the AP class, and I think the boys were too smart for their own good. They were not only smart in their studies, they also excelled in mischievousness. 

So our senior prank...I was not involved, only finding out about it after the fact. But one of the boys told the story last night. His parents were working on their yard, and apparently, wanted to get rid of an outhouse leftover from a by-gone era. They gave their son the task of getting rid of it. So he contacted his buddies, and they decided to put it in the school's courtyard. They went the night before graduation, climbed up on the roof of the school, pulled the outhouse up with ropes, then down the other side, placing it exactly in the middle of the courtyard.

And as he finished his story, he said it was the best prank ever - even down to this current year's class. Uh, huh...something to be proud of!

I have not finished reading Randy Alcorn's book, If God is Good, but it has been so good to be reminded of the things he writes in the book.

 A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned about God being the author of our life story. An author who writes a novel makes it interesting by including significant conflict, thwarting of desires, avoiding predictability before a satisfying resolution. 

In a chapter I read this past week, Randy says that our life can also be compared to a symphony. "A composer's work gets praised for its long movements of depth, texture, and contrast, with transitions between major and minor keys. Do we criticize a great composer whose symphony doesn't end in ten minutes or half an hour? Do we complain when he moves from a major key to a minor key and back to a major? No, we celebrate his artistry. When we hear the dark and melancholic sections, we don't conclude he's made a mistake. Once we reach the ending, we recognize the symphony as a far greater work than one that consists of only bright melodies." 

This is a wonderful book to remind us of the purposes of evil and suffering - how God is not the author of it, but he uses it for his glory and our good. I have underlined, starred and circled so many sections in the book. I highly recommend it and will very likely read it again. 

I could go on and on, but will close this week's blog with a list of how Randy says God uses suffering in our lives:

• to purge sin from our lives
• strengthen our commitment to him
• force us to depend on his grace
• bind us together with other believers
• produce discernment
• foster sensitivity
• discipline our minds
• impart wisdom
• stretch our hope
• cause us to know Christ better
• make us long for truth
• lead us to repentance of sin
• teach us to give thanks in times of sorrow
• increase our faith
• strengthen our character 

Then he concludes that section by saying that "once He accomplishes such great things, often we can see that our suffering has been worth it."

Hopefully, we can be at peace with the purpose of our suffering: "to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:10-11.  

Peter tells us that we were called to suffering, "because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:21) And how did Christ suffer? "He entrusted himself to him who judges justly." (1 Peter 2:23) 

God is all wise, loving, kind, merciful and just. He made me, desires my good, and I can trust him with my life and the circumstances of my life.

What makes a good story? I've been mulling this over in my mind and heart all week. I recently began another book by Randy Alcorn, If God is Good. His writings are so deep and well thought through, always speaking to me at the heart level. The sub-title to the book is: "Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil," which is why I was drawn to the book, in addition to liking everything he writes.

In chapter 20 of this book, Mr. Alcorn asks the question: "If you were the author, how would you have written the story?" He devotes the whole chapter to the qualities of making a good story. He himself has written several novels, as well as theological books. He says that in order to make a good story, you need "interesting characters, significant conflict, the thwarting of desires and a satisfying (if not triumphant) resolution." The story must "avoid predictability and its characters have to continuously develop - and the higher the stakes, the better the story."

If this is the case, my story is far from boring! But think about the greatest story of all: God made a perfect world, his creatures sinned against him, there has been conflict for many ages, He sent his Son to pay the price and win his children back to himself, and someday, He will win and triumph over all the evil, pain and suffering. The end will only really be the beginning of the "happy ever after."

The Lord graciously authenticated this message to me...as I was thinking about my story, fitting into God's story, the next song I heard on the radio was My Story by Big Daddy Weave. 

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
 Writer(s): Jason Ingram, Michael Weaver

Mr. Alcorn continues in his chapter that "the greatest character virtues we know would never appear in a story without evil and suffering." If we didn't experience evil and suffering, we would not know the goodness, love, grace, compassion, gentleness, kindness and mercy of God. If everything was always sunshine and roses, we wouldn't see our desperate need and recognize or experience God's all-sufficiency. 

Mr. Alcorn says he doesn't ask the characters in his novels for permission to let them suffer and face evil because, as the author, he knows the best ending for the story. And if God is writing my story, doesn't that mean that He, as the author, knows the best ending for my story?

These were good thoughts for me to ponder this week because I had a couple of tough days. I didn't get much sleep on Wednesday night going into Thursday, which consequently led to being on the emotional side. I was at work when I got a call from Care One from the speech therapist to talk to me about Andy. She said he was missing his family and was wondering if I could, on some of my visits, spend some of my visiting time face-timing with the girls, so that Andy could see them. I appreciate her concern and attempts at helping him connect with his family. I also understand that he often feels lonely being there without us. However, it was not good timing for me. I initially felt overwhelmed, like this was one more thing I was responsible for. 

As I was processing this and on the verge of tears, God sent someone to minister to me. She came into the office, took one look at me and knew I needed to talk. She understood that I don't have that partner to talk things over with and she let me spew! Then she reminded me that Andy doesn't remember how often I do go to visit him. He doesn't live in reality. The speech therapist is trying to be helpful and is just throwing out ideas. I don't need to feel obligated to do everything she suggests. It was so kind of the Lord to send her to me at just the right time.

On Friday, I met Amy and her kids at the house at noon. I fed them lunch, then we went over to see Andy. We found his mom and dad already there visiting with him. He hadn't seen Amy and the kids for a while, and he seemed happy that we were all there.

  
Yes, Andy has two shirts on...which is why I usually only leave one in his room at a time. But since I wasn't planning to visit him on Saturday because of Chase being with me, I left two changes of clothes for him. 

One of the things my grandkids love to do as they get older is to measure themselves by me. Since I'm so short, it doesn't take long until they are eye to eye, then getting lots taller. As you can see, Chase is not there yet, but it won't be long. He is only 10 pounds lighter than I am.

After our visit with Andy, Amy went on to Dawn's and picked up Kira to spend an overnight with Joanna and Katy, while I took Chase home with me. I fixed sloppy joes for our dinner and boy, can he eat! No wonder he is getting so big so fast. His birthday is Tuesday and he will be 11. As we ate our dinner and enjoyed conversation, I was so impressed with how knowledgeable he is on a variety of subjects, but especially nature.

After dinner, we worked in the kitchen together making a strawberry "pie." So that it provides a bigger dish than a pie, I make a shortbread crust and bake it in a 13" x 9" pan. It was a pleasure having help in the kitchen.

After dessert was made, we did the usual watch a movie and eat ice cream before heading off to bed. 

I am amused by what a boy Chase is. He forgot to pack a toothbrush, so I told him I had extras. When I offered him one, he said, "nahhh." (ha, ha). Also, that nice blue shirt he's wearing in the pictures? He also wore it to bed Friday night and all day Saturday! He said he hadn't packed a shirt.

Saturday was a dreary, cloudy day, threatening rain. I considered staying in the house, but was so hoping to get a hike in, that I finally said, "Oh, let's just go and take our chances." I had sprayed Chase's jeans and sneakers the night before with potent bug killer (mine had already been done). I have been hoping that I can take each kid who comes over to Rancocas State Park for a hike. Chase was game, so we went on over. It didn't rain on us, and we saw some interesting things: lots of empty turtle shells, even an immature turtle and a peregrine falcon. Chase saw a couple of wild turkeys on our drive over.

As much as I like that hike, the mosquitoes and humidity yesterday made it almost unbearable. I had sprayed our jeans but neglected our skin and upper body. Big mistake! Those mosquitoes were relentless. I was walking pretty fast, thinking that the faster I walked, they wouldn't be as likely to alight on me. But in walking so fast, I was leaving Chase behind. When I questioned him on that, he said he had a stitch in his side from walking so fast. Oops! I should have sung him that song: "Go Granny, go, Granny, go, Granny, go!"

I believe Chase was genuinely happy to be here with me. He was able to set up all his army men, even leaving them up overnight without them being "messed up by the girls."

All too soon, it was time to take him back home, but how good of the Lord to give me this little window of pleasure.

Today was a different story again. I sat in church all by myself up near the front. There was no one near me, and I got to thinking about how much I missed Andy sitting next to me. He was always reaching his arm over to hug me or hold my hand as we sang. I thought about leaving the auditorium, but there was too much risk because I was sitting so far up front. It was still pretty obvious if anyone happened to be looking at me that I was crying. I had to get a tissue out to keep the tears from running down my cheeks. I just couldn't get it together for the rest of the song time, partly because the words of the songs were so meaningful, as well as missing Andy beside me.

I think I need to have a better plan for where I sit in church. I have always preferred to sit as far front as possible because of fewer distractions. But perhaps I should beg a friend to sit with me.

I do not grieve like those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Even though there are many fun and happy moments, life is also filled with difficulties. But this is my story, and I hope that no matter how much suffering and conflict fills my life, that:

You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

Yes, I can't talk about my story without bringing Jesus into it. Christ is enough for me. He is all I need, every moment of every day.

"So then, those who suffer according to God's plan should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:19

I memorized 1 Peter several years ago, but in reviewing recently, I came to this verse again. It is rich with meaning. I am suffering according to God's plan for me, so what can I do but rest in his sovereignty and trust his faithfulness. As I wait on him, I have hope - a sure hope - that gives me courage and strength to continue living for him. 

And as I take my eyes off my desperate situation and back on to my big God, he brings moments of joy and pleasure. He meets my needs in amazing and unanticipated ways. 

I'm concerned that Andy is developing another UTI. He finished a 30 day round of antibiotics the end of May, but this last week has been displaying some symptoms again. He has been extremely exhausted and lacking in appetite. 

I almost feel guilty about enjoying my life as it is right now, when Andy is suffering so. But I try to share my experiences with him, as much as he can understand.

On Monday afternoon, I went and got Naomi because her birthday was Wednesday. Years ago, we wanted to be as intentional as possible to pour into the next generation. So on their birthdays, we have them come to spend a night and a day with us. They make a list of activities they want to do while with us, and we have a great time with them. Andy was always so good at providing the fun: riding bikes with the kids, making up silly rules, shooting the bb gun at a hand made target, practicing with his bow and arrows, and various other activities. Now that he's no longer home, I really want to keep on being involved with the grandkids, even though I feel like I don't have as much to offer. 

I did have a good time with Naomi, though. It's such a joy to have another person in the house. How quiet it is most of the time, with no one to talk to, no one to eat dinner with, no one else around. Naomi is a good conversationalist. As the kids get older (she's 12 now), meaningful conversations are much more the norm. 

On Monday evening, she went with me to visit Andy. Then when we returned home, we watched a movie and ate ice cream together. The next morning, she wanted to bake a blueberry pie for her dessert with the family. I found a recipe that looked good, and we worked at it together.
 

The pies turned out to be delicious.

The day was dreary with periods of drizzle and misty rain. But by lunch time, it seemed we would stay relatively dry for a hike. We were so glad we went to Rancocas State Park because we saw some interesting things along that 3.2 mile hike.

All along the trail we saw holes in the sand and near those holes, lots of empty egg shells. We were conjecturing on what kind of eggs they might be and guessing turtle, when we saw this.

Don't get too close to these turtles. They are not friendly. Snapping turtles can bite off a finger.

We also saw a fawn through the foliage, well camoflauged. I tried to get a picture, but by the time I got the camera to focus and zoom in, he took off. 

I got a call from Dawn later in the week to ask if I was available to babysit Cole on Saturday afternoon/evening. I said I would make it work. She and Tommy had a wedding to attend. Kasey and Kira were spending time with another set of grandparents, but Cole would be taking his nap when Dawn had to leave. It turned out to be another time of joy (more than just a moment - many moments). He is such a sweet boy. I got him up from his nap, and he was pleasant and happy the rest of the time I had him.

I took him to see Andy, which didn't really work out too well. Andy needed as much attention as Cole, so I didn't stay there very long - just long enough to get Cole some ice cream.

 

He's getting more adept at eating ice cream, although still pretty messy!

Cole and I had dinner together, then spent the rest of the time outside, playing and walking around the neighborhood several times.

  

 I got to rock him and sing to him before putting him to bed. What a treat (for me!).

You see God gives me many moments of joy. And one more this week...in Thursday's mail, I received a card from someone in our church. When I opened it, I was shocked to  see there were two $100 gift cards included. So kind of the Lord to remind me he hasn't forgotten me.

I continue to read to Andy every evening that I visit him. I've been wondering if he understands what I'm reading or how he's processing it. My usual routine is to read a couple chapters from the Bible, then rest my voice a minute or two before reading from one of the books we've always enjoyed together. I'm currently reading The Lord of the Rings. 

One evening as I was reading through Corinthians, Andy stopped me to say, "that was really good. Who wrote that?" I told him it was the Bible, Paul had written to the Corinthian church. His next comment was, "He did a good job!"

Another time, he questioned me about the Lord of the Rings story, wondering when it took place. I told him it wasn't real, but fantasy, and he was amazed!

My gardens continue to show off. This week, another of my gumpo pink azaleas decided to go all out. A little behind the other one, but better late than never, right?

And I can't help but keep looking out my back kitchen window at the clematis. It is so lovely with the sun shining on it.

What brings the most joy, though, is my relationship with the Lord. How good he is to me. If I had nothing (no house, no family, no money), I would still have everything in Jesus. 

"Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25, 26 

It occurred to me this week that pride and worry go hand in hand. Peter links the two together in 1 Peter 5:6-7, when he tells us to humble ourselves under God's mighty hand, then goes on to command us to cast all our anxieties on God because He cares for us. So doesn't that make sense that if we're worrying, we're not humbly placing ourselves under the mighty and competent hand of God? He is able to take our worries if we cast them on him, which involves humbling ourselves, trusting that he will take care of those worries. 

I was meditating on this, just thinking: "what a concept," when the Lord led me to Matthew 11:28 where Jesus is telling his disciples, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

Wow! Jesus was humble, he trusted his Father perfectly. And if we learn from Jesus' example, we will find rest for our souls. Rest, not the stress of worry. 

So God continues to teach me. I pray that I will continue to be open to his quiet whisperings in my heart, drawing me to himself, helping me to become more and more like Jesus and letting him take care of me. I know I can't take care of myself and worrying certainly doesn't help either, so I need to humbly submit myself to the care of God - day by day, moment by moment.

The question I hear most often from people is: how is Andy doing? It's a difficult question for me to know how to answer, although I'm grateful that people care. I guess the best way to answer is to keep posting experiences and conversations I have with him.

Andy seems to still know who I am. He tells me he loves me, he expresses his gratitude for "all I'm doing." He tries to have conversations, but I often don't understand what he's talking about.

One evening this past week, he told me he felt like he needed to have some money because there were some people he needed to be able to help. It's pointless to reason with him, so I just went along with him and asked him how much he wanted. He said he thought $200 would be enough to start. So I told him I would have to go to the bank the next day since they were already closed. He was ok with that, and of course, he forgot when I visited the next day. He hasn't mentioned it since.

Another evening, he said he didn't think he could keep on doing what he was doing. I wasn't sure what he was talking about with that statement, but on probing a little, I think he meant he couldn't keep his job. I reminded him that he was "retired." He heaved a sigh of relief, then said he needed to talk to someone about stopping his salary. I told him I would take care of that. And he was satisfied with that answer.

Andy was on a 30 day round of antibiotics for his uti. He finished that medicine so we'll see how long he stays infection free. He struggles constantly with the tremors in his hand and chin. Sometimes, his arm jerks spastically. I mentioned that I didn't think his legs were shaking but he said they do sometimes.

Another day, he told me that he didn't think he would "be here much longer." He couldn't explain why. But I used that opportunity to remind him that our times are in God's hands. He knows the end from the beginning. I also talked about how wonderful heaven will be when we get there.

I continue to read Scripture to him every evening when I visit. It seems to be a great calming influence - for him as well as for me.

This past week, Tommy came over on Tuesday to help me trim my bushes. They were out of control. I borrowed a hedge trimmer from a neighbor. Tommy got them all done in about an hour. In the past, I have tried to trim the bushes myself, but if I use the hedge trimmer, it is so heavy to lift up that I don't last very long. Then, too, I ruined one trimmer years ago by cutting into the cord. So I figure it's better not to try that job myself.

Tommy brought over Kasey and Cole for me to play with while he worked. Kasey liked the Candyland game. She was fascinated with the cards and pictures of the cupcake, cookie and candy cane...not really into game rules yet.

Yesterday, I took a trip down to Ocean City where Dawn, Tommy and kids are spending some vacation time. While the kids napped, Dawn and I went to the boardwalk, got a coffee and walked up and down. What a treat! 

When it was time to return to the family, we went back to the car, but couldn't find it. Neither of us had been paying attention when we parked, so we walked up and down a number of streets before we finally found it. My phone said we had walked about 4 miles (but that included our walk up and down the boardwalk, too!). I don't know that Tommy will let us live that down. A couple of airheads! Well, we were making memories!

I've had a little time, here and there, to work in my gardens. They give me lots of pleasure, and I'm so grateful for the beauty of God's creation.

I am amazed that I am feeling at peace with my situation right now. That can only come from the Lord. 

Psalm 25:4-10
Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; 
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, 
and my hope is in you all day long.
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord. 
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.