Sometimes there's a fine line between two options. I was faced with that this week. With Tuesday being a holiday, I had received a couple of invitations to spend time with friends. Although it was tempting to accept and be with people, I felt prompted by the Lord to stay home and have some quiet, alone time. I don't think either decision was right or wrong, and God works in our lives no matter, or in spite of, what we do.

I woke early and decided to do some yard work while it was still cool. It was a very pleasant morning, but as I began to work, I couldn't help but think about how lonely I was. I remembered how only a year ago, Andy and I worked together on our yard projects. What a help he was to me, even in his disability. After all, he is taller and stronger than I am! Well, one thought led to another and before I knew it, I was on the road to "woe is me." But then the Lord reminded me that Jesus is with me. He never leaves me alone.

When I came into the house, I turned on the computer and checked my blog. I was shocked to see that 59 people had looked at it. The day before there had only been 5 visits. I was immediately encouraged...it was an indication that people care. Then I checked facebook and saw that Christy had posted a picture of me reading to Andy. She said some very lovely things that brought tears to my eyes. And I was encouraged further. Throughout the rest of the week, people continued to comment on Christy's post and check out my blog. As of today, 150 people have read my blog. I am truly humbled. 

Frankly, I don't feel that I'm doing anything all that special. Andy was always such an example of selfless love to me. I often told him he was a beautiful example of Ephesians 5, where husbands are instructed to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Andy always valued my opinions and input, never put me down, always encouraged and made me feel valuable. He was always thinking of me and how to please me. So my care of him now is my current calling. It pains me to see him suffer, and I want to do all I can to turn his eyes to Jesus. God's Word gives life and will not return void. So it is the best "medicine" for him at this time. I'm not saying this is easy. But God does not ask us to do anything but that He doesn't go with us and give us His strength to endure with joy.

Later that same morning, Andy's dad invited me to come over to their apartment. He said he had just bought some blueberries from a farm and I could have as many as I wanted. I took a baggie over to take some. He kept telling me to take more. When I asked him how much I owed him, he said nothing, he got them for me. How gracious of him.

God continued to "show up" all day, giving me indications in big and small ways that He was with me and had not forgotten me. It's tempting to feel guilty when you are emotionally needy, but God knows we're needy and loves to meet our needs. 

Someone I don't even know handed me two pies on Sunday; one was a chicken pot pie, the other a cherry pie. I had never seen the man before, and I don't even think he knew who I was. He came toward me and asked if I knew Phyllis. I told him I was Phyllis, then he handed me those two pies. Both pies lasted for 4 meals. I didn't have to cook at all this week and each time I sat down to eat, I was reminded that God cares for me.

I "found" Isaiah 64:4 several years ago: "No eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." One of the hardest things we have to do as people is wait. Even a two year old would rather do things herself, telling everybody: "self, self."

But if we wait for God, letting Him do the work, His ways are so much better and more creative than what we could come up with. Often our forging ahead is just a disaster, but waiting gives God opportunity to show Himself to be great and awesome.

I took Andy to the urologist twice this week. On Wednesday, the care facility arranged for medical transport to take him. I met him there. Andy was so cute. When the doctor came into the exam room, Andy told him he looked familiar. Of course, it's the urologist Andy has been seeing for close to ten years. And into the exam, Andy told him he was doing a good job! - So positive and affirming. I can't tell you how grateful I am that even in his illness, Andy is not combative. He is always appreciative, positive, and kind.

I took Andy back to the urologist on Friday afternoon for another check up. He seems to be doing well after his hospitalization. This time, I drove him in my car. I was a little nervous about that because my last experiences with him in the car were traumatic, dealing with trying to keep him buckled in while I was driving. But the transport is expensive, and in talking to the nurse at his care facility, we decided that he is at a different stage in the illness than he was five months ago. Thankfully, the drive went smoothly and without incident.

I spent more time in my gardens Saturday morning and have now completed the weeding - at least till they grow again. My current flowers blooming are cone flower (echinacea), rose of sharon and hydrangea lacecap, all pink.

In desperation one morning, I pulled a book down off the shelf. It happened to be Devotional Classics, edited by Richard J. Foster and James Bryan Smith.

The very first selection was an essay that included excerpts from Mere Christianity. C.S. Lewis says that the Christian way is different. It is both harder and easier. 

"Christ says, 'Give me ALL. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there. I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked -- the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."

"Both harder and easier than what we are all trying to do. You have noticed, I expect, that Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, 'Take up your cross' -- in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, 'My yoke is easy and my burden light.' He means both." 

I often wonder when we sing songs of surrender: "Do I really mean it?" I want to surrender all, but there's a part of me that wants what I want. I don't want to suffer. But this might not be all bad. Because this world is not as it was meant to be. Even creation groans, waiting to be redeemed. So as C.S. Lewis says in another place, "If I find in myself desires that nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." 

And that is our hope...a better world, where Jesus reigns and sorrow and suffering are only a distant memory.  

Every tear will be wiped away
Every sorrow and sin erased
We'll dance on seas of amazing grace
In Heaven, In Heaven
Heaven,  Writer(s): Chris Tomlin, Jason Ingram, Jonas Myrin, Ed Cash

What goes up must come down. This "law" does not only apply to physical gravity, but is a good reminder that when on the mountaintop of happiness, be prepared to come crashing down.

I had a number of appointments this week. One of those was with an elder care attorney. That meeting was very good and encouraging. She assured me that she could work up the paperwork to protect our assets, as well as provide care for Andy if I needed to pay for professional help.

I was so encouraged and pleased with the way Andy had prepared for our future, thanking God over and over that I was taken care of. But I felt cautioned in my spirit that I needed to be prepared in the next day or two to come crashing down.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed. I did not sleep well that night, so the next day I was exhausted. It was a good recipe for depression and tears, but God was gracious to me and met me in my need. A dear friend face-timed me on her vacation to inquire how our appointments went and expressed genuine concern. Her care lifted my spirits and I really wasn't exhausted any more! How good is the God we adore.

The same day I met with the attorney, Andy had another appointment at the New Jersey Institute for Successful Aging at Rowan University, meeting with a Dr. White. I was in on the appointment with Andy. Dr. White is a geriatrics physician and spent an hour or more asking questions of the both of us. He was very kind and compassionate, even tearing up at several points in the course of our conversation. He mentioned a couple of times that Andy was so young. He also commented that we had a loving relationship. Apparently, he and other doctors who care for dementia patients experience hostility and anger from many of those patients. What a gift it is to have Andy remain pleasant, congenial, kind and loving. In fact, I think he has become more so. He is so conscious of trying to make my life easier. I don't think he knows how hard it really is, but he has always been intuitive and that quality is still there. 

The next day, we went back down to Rowan University to meet with a social worker who again spent time talking to us, asking questions, getting Andy's history. In order to get an accurate understanding of where Andy is, she instructed me to not interrupt, but to let Andy answer the questions she asked. It was painful and pitiful. He couldn't even answer the names of his siblings. He couldn't remember where we had lived, how long we had lived in NJ, where we had lived before that, what jobs he had. I felt so bad for him...he struggled to answer, but just couldn't. He also tried to explain why he couldn't, but was unable to complete his thoughts/sentences. As bad as I felt for him, it was really a very accurate picture of the stage he is in right now. Again, this woman was very compassionate and kind, and she teared up several times during the appointment, too, even blowing her nose at one point. I told her I thought the disease was progressing rapidly and she agreed.

She spent almost two hours with us, and at one point, mentioned that there must have been "a reason" why her next appointment had canceled. 

I have been thinking it might be time for me to start hiring some help in the mornings as we get ready for our day. I need to help Andy every step of the way. He can't find the toothbrush or the toothpaste. He can't figure out what to wear so I get his clothes out for him. He can't get his breakfast ready. He can't work the tv and remotes. This morning, he didn't remember that he was going to take his shower. He came looking for me to ask what he was supposed to do.

I'm trying to give him instructions along the way. If I need to leave him to get my own shower, I tell him to sit in his chair until I come out. Then I will make his breakfast. So far, that seems to work. 

I was advised to get Andy clothes that he could just pull on - no buttons or zippers or belts. I already had plenty of short sleeved shirts that he's been wearing all summer, but all his long sleeved shirts had buttons down the front. So on Friday afternoon, we went shopping. He tried on some long pants, as well as pull over shirts. I cleaned out his closet and we took a trip to Good Will. It seemed a shame to get rid of all those shirts, but "it is what it is and that's the end of the matter." (C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity)

With all of this activity and change, I was reminded of the song we used to sing, Does Jesus Care?

1. Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
   Too deeply for mirth or song,
   As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
   And the way grows weary and long?
   • Refrain:
     Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
     His heart is touched with my grief;
     When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
     I know my Savior cares.
2. Does Jesus care when my way is dark
   With a nameless dread and fear?
   As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
   Does He care enough to be near?
3. Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
   To resist some temptation strong;
   When for my deep grief there is no relief,
   Though my tears flow all the night long?
4. Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
   To the dearest on earth to me,
   And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
   Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

 Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

I read a statement in Grieving with Hope that encouraged me.  The title of one of the sections was "Know that Grief is an Expression of Love." Zig Ziglar was quoted as saying, "Grief is the recognition that you've lost someone you love. It's the price you pay for loving someone, because if there were no love, there'd be no grief."

And that reminded me of the saying which is part of a poem that Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This morning Andy wasn't feeling well and we stayed home from church. We sat on our deck and enjoyed the morning. At one point, Andy told me he thought I needed help and encouraged me to take steps to make it happen. I was really surprised, but as I mentioned above, he is very intuitive, and it was another affirmation to me that the Lord is going before me. He is with me in the journey, guiding, leading, and he really does care. What a comfort to rest in his all sufficiency.