Because of the daily experience of dealing with Andy's Alzheimer's, it's hard to remember just how he "used to be." But God graciously gave me an encounter this week with a friend who knew us for a number of years. After asking how Andy was doing, he went on to remark how impressed he was with how Andy used to "star" in all those yearly Easter plays, memorizing all those lines and all the words to the songs he sang. I agreed that was impressive. That memory led to another one that I related to him. Andy used to like reading his Greek New Testament. He said he did it to keep his mind fresh in the language. I got out that Greek NT to look through it and sure enough, he had many notes in the margins - obvious that he spent time reading and studying the original language.

Impressive, right? It's a difficult language which is why you often hear the phrase: "It's like Greek to me."

The Sunday school class I attend has been doing the "No Guilt Book Club" this summer, where we've been taking turns to review books we've read and can recommend to others. I offered to take a turn which happened to be last Sunday. I reviewed the book, Be Still My Soul, edited by Nancy Guthrie. The book includes 25 authors, a few of whom are John Calvin, Martin Luther, Timothy Keller, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, who write about suffering. I gave a short background on my own situation, then used the book to share how those readings really ministered to me in my own suffering. It's such a blessing to have the examples of these Christian men and women who have gone through suffering through the centuries and have written about it for those of us who come after them. God is good. He knows our needs and is always "there" for us. Actually, he is "here" and "near." And there's nothing like suffering to know how needy and desperate we are and how close he is to the brokenhearted. I was really excited about this opportunity and happy to share some of the things I have learned and experienced through this journey.

Then the rest of the week was difficult. It feels like there have been another couple of steps downward in the progression of Andy's disease. Every night this week, he has sat at dinner with his eyes closed. I have to call his name to give him a bite. He'll open his eyes, take a bite, then close them again. Then the last two nights, as he continues to keep his eyes closed, he chews his food, but doesn't swallow. He chews and chews and chews while I wait to give him his next bite. I think last night he ate about 3 bites out of his whole meal. Tonight was a little better. He chewed and swallowed, finishing almost his whole plate of food. I spoke to the nurse about this, and she thinks he may have had a change in medications because he has been showing some combativeness. That is another disturbing detail.


Amy and her kids came down on Tuesday to visit. They met me at the house and hung out a while before going over to see Andy. Chase walked into the house with a Monopoly game under his arm. Amy explained that he wanted to play it with me. My heart sank. I do not like that game. It usually goes on interminably. But since I try to be a good Grammy (!), I agreed to play with him. Amy played with the two of us, which was kind of her to join me. Well, Chase being the typical competitive male, aggressively bought up the most expensive properties, then proceeded to buy up houses to jack up the price should anyone land on his property. As it turned out, Amy was the first to go bankrupt after landing on his place, and I wasn't far behind. Chase was so happy to have won, but secretly I was happy, too - not only because he was happy, but because that was the end of the game!

Our time with Andy was hard and we didn't stay long, but as we left, Amy gave Andy a hug and clear as day, Andy said: "I love you so, so much."

So there's the ebb and flow of life. I was reading an excerpt from Anne Morrow Lindbergh's, The Gift from the Sea. She was comparing the ebb and flow of the tides to our relationships with people, but I think it also applies to life in general. Life is fluid; sometimes we experience good times with few problems, other times, we struggle to keep our heads above water. She says that each cycle of the tide is valid, each cycle of the wave is valid. We can't change it, "it is what it is." But our acceptance of those changes and willingness to surrender to God's will in those circumstances is what makes the difference.

Another day, I read an excerpt from J.B. Phillips. He was a friend of C.S. Lewis and is known for his contemporary translation of the New Testament. He wrote that as he was translating Ephesians 2:4 where the text says that "God is rich in mercy," he was struck that this phrase was a "positive jewel...Just as we might say that a Texas tycoon is 'rich in oil,' so Paul writes it as a matter of fact that God is 'rich in mercy.' The pagan world was full of fear, and the Christian gospel set out to replace that fear of the gods or the fates, or even life itself, with the love for and trust in God. 'Rich in mercy' was good news to the ancient world and it is good news today."

Mercy is not the only quality that God is rich in. Ephesians 1:7 says that "God lavished the riches of His grace on us with all wisdom and understanding." And Psalm 145:8 says God is "rich in love."

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom." (Psalm 145:3)

There didn't seem to be anything in particular, maybe just everything in general, but Friday felt especially heavy to me. My natural response wants to figure out why I'm dealing with these feelings. Why do I feel like crying when nothing has happened to add to what I'm already going through. Oppressive humidity? Attack from Satan? Lack of sleep? In this case, though, I have to be satisfied with no answer. I just don't know.

But as usually happens when I'm feeling low, God provides the encouragement I need at the precise moment of my need. I am currently reading Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren.

She writes about God being a part of every detail of our lives: when we wake in the morning, when we lose our keys, when we eat leftovers, when we sit in traffic...

In her chapter, Sitting in Traffic, she focuses on patience and being unhurried. I had heard a phrase in a song, and I don't remember which song at the moment, about God always being on time, never late. Trish reminds us that "we live in a waiting world, a world where time itself, along with all of creation, groans as in childbirth, waiting for something to be born." We live our lives each day in light of a future reality. Our best life is still to come. But in the middle of waiting for that future hope, are we patiently enjoying the days we have in the present? Waiting itself can be a gift. Our waiting is active and purposeful...God is at work in us and through us as we wait. A couple of days ago, I was struck with a feeling of expectancy as I wait for God to work things out for me. He is so creative in the way He works, not tied to uncertainty, but the Sovereign Ruler of all things, working for the good of his children. In my own perception of things, my situation looks hopeless...but that is not taking into account God and His divine purposes.

Recently I've noticed Steven Curtis Chapman's Glorious Unfolding being played frequently on KLOVE. It was recorded in 2013 so I really don't know why I hadn't heard it until recently. But it has spoken to me and been an encouraging reminder to me.

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight 
Don't try to figure it out
Just listen to what I'm whispering to your heart
'Cause I know this is not anything like you thought the story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
but it's just not true
There's so much of the story that's still yet to unfold.

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding.

God's plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing love
And the story has only begun

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we're living 
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We'll see the glorious unfolding
Songwriter: Steven Curtis Chapman, copyright BMG Rights Management US, LLC

That's right: Don't try to figure it out. Someday it will all be unfolded and we'll be amazed at the glorious plan of God.

I was able to have some family time on Tuesday when I drove up to Lancaster County to spend a couple of hours with Amy and her kids. They've been doing a lot of work to finish the upstairs of their new house as well as doing some outside projects. It was a joy to see those projects and be with her and the kids in person. After lunch we investigated a new park Amy had found. There was a huge lake that was an opportunity for the kids to fish and explore. There was also a paved trail around the park that we hiked. The sun was hot but the breeze was cool and refreshing. Amy and I stayed in the gazebo to chat while the kids played and fished at the lake.

Amy and I were amused with the momma duck and her babies on the lake. Whenever Chase would cast his fishing line, the ducks would paddle quickly to where his line was and follow it as he reeled it in. In spite of his moving from place to place to keep far away from the ducks, he did manage to catch a fish.

I heard a teacher on the radio tell about the story of Gideon in Judges 6. When the angel came to tell Gideon that God wanted him to fight against Israel's enemies, he addressed Gideon as "mighty warrior." Isn't that interesting? Gideon hadn't done anything yet. But in anticipation of a great victory, God calls Gideon a mighty warrior. Along with that pronouncement, God promises to be with him.

"When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, 'The LORD is with you, mighty warrior'." (Judges 6:12)

And there's the whole reason God could address him as a hero before he had even gone into battle: because God was going to do the fighting for him. It reminded me of David's confidence in Psalm 18:29 and 2 Samuel 22:30 (both verses have the exact same wording): "With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall."

Scripture is full of God's promises to always be with us and to fight our battles for us. With God, the victory is assured.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:29)
 

For whatever reason, I've been so tired lately. Mornings especially, have been quite a challenge for me to get out of bed and begin my day. In talking to friends about this, it seems they are experiencing the same phenomenon. Is it the darkness of the morning since the time has changed? Is it the dragging on of the cold dark winter? Is it the unchanging and depressing nature of what I'm going through? Perhaps it's a combination of those and more. 

It's times like these, though, that I need the presence of the Lord more than ever. He promises to give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak (Isaiah 40). It's also crucial that I don't spend too much time in the house alone. I purposely filled some of my hours this week with yard work. It was cold and windy and I had to work quickly and take lots of breaks in the house to warm up. But I was able to lug branches and storm debris to the street. I also raked up quite a few piles of small sticks and twigs, then bagged them up and took them to the street as well. They'll probably be there awhile because every house along the street has a pile of branches to be picked up. As much as I worked at it this week, there is still more to be done. 

I also recognize the need to spend time with people. I am happy to be able to meet up with Dawn every week. She likes to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters!
 

Then on Saturday, I was able to drive up to Lancaster County to spend some time with Amy and her family. It's so affirming to walk into the house and have everyone so happy to see me and receive all those hugs. We hung out till after lunch, then went to investigate a "park" Amy had driven by a number of times. It was a nice little park with a gravel path and a creek to explore. Chase just happened to have a fishing pole along so had to see if he could catch anything, but I think those fish were smart enough not to venture out into the cold.

So now Amy had to take a picture of the two of us and send it to her sisters! Fun rivalry!

Reckless Love

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

 

There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me

 

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Songwriters: Caleb Culver / Cory Asbury / Ran Jackson

Reckless Love lyrics © Bethel Music Dba Bethel Music Publishing

I love this song. I was wondering, though, about God's love being reckless. The Bible is clear about his love being awesome and eternal. The definition of reckless according to the dictionary: "utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless." This is not a characteristic that I would ascribe to God. On the other hand, as the song goes on to say, "I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give Yourself away." Yes, when I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That's pretty reckless!

I remembered that years ago, Andy led a Bible study discussing Tim Keller's book, Prodigal God. 

 

Keller defines the word "prodigal" as "recklessly spendthrift." He goes on to explain that it means to spend until you have nothing left. This term is therefore as appropriate for describing the father in the prodigal son story as his younger son. "The father's welcome to the repentant son was literally reckless, because he refused to 'reckon' or count his sin against him or demand repayment."

"God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not reckoning to them their trespasses" (2 Corinthians 5:19 - ASV). "Jesus is showing us the God of Great Expenditure, who is nothing if not prodigal toward us, his children. God's reckless grace is our greatest hope, a life-changing experience." (from Prodigal God by Timothy Keller)

The Lord also reminded me of something Ann Voskamp posted once about Psalm 23:6: "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." She said that word "follow" actually means to chase down. I love that picture. God's love chases me down, doesn't just quietly and nicely "follow" me. He relentlessly pursues me. That seems pretty reckless to me.

Ephesians 2:4 ~ "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved."

Colossians 1:21, 22 ~ "Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation." 

I thank God for his overwhelming, never-ending, and reckless love.

The Love of God

Galatians 3:13
"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us."

Martin Luther wrote on this passage: "Learn to know Christ and him crucified. Learn to sing to him and say, 'Lord Jesus, you are my righteousness. I am your sin. You have taken upon yourself what is mine and given me what is yours. You became what you were not, so that I might become what I was not'." What a great and wonderful exchange! Was there ever such love???

The love of God - an amazing topic to consider. Think about the people of Israel. Although they were rescued out of slavery in Egypt and saw God do amazing miracles, they time and time again strayed from God and went back to worshiping idols. God called their idolatry adultery. They forsook him over and over again. And God over and over again, rescued them. He never forsook them or stopped loving them. It is amazing to think about. I would have given them up after a second or third time. But God never gave them up. NEVER! Then how can we doubt his love for us. After Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice of his own blood for us, God tells us in Romans 8 (verse 39) that nothing - nothing - can separate us from his love. His love is powerful, eternal, faithful.

1 Corinthians 13:13 says that "these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." Love lasts forever. When we see our Lord face to face, we will no longer live by faith and our hope will be realized. But love will remain - stronger than ever.

 O love of God, how rich and pure!
  How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—
    The saints’ and angels’ song.
 Words & Music © 1923, Ren. 1951 by Hope Publishing Co., Carol Stream, IL 60188.

It was a rough week for our daughter, Amy. Her father-in-law spent a week in the hospital after suffering two strokes, a brain bleed and a brain hemorrhage. He had a day when he seemed to be perking up so everyone went back to work. Amy was with him when he coded. The next thing she knew there 20 or so doctors crowded in his room. She called her husband, Ricky and Ricky's sister. With everyone at the hospital, a consultation with the doctors revealed that Ricky's dad had another stroke and would not make it. He died that night with his family all with him. He was only 60 years old. 

I love the verse in 2 Corinthians 5:4 where we are told that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. So when Ricky's dad died, he was granted new life which just swallowed up his death. 

Andy and I are planning to attend the funeral on Tuesday morning. It will be somewhat uncomfortable for me because the service will be held in a very conservative Mennonite church. This is too close to the painful memories I have growing up in this kind of environment. But I am asking the Lord to help me forget about myself and think of the privilege I'll have to minister to our daughter and her family in their time of grief. 

Andy and I went hiking both yesterday and today. Yesterday was very pleasant, although gray and gloomy. But we like to be outside in those conditions. We went to the Rancocas State Park and hiked over four miles. We started out on the blue trail that goes along the Rancocas Creek (although it really looks more like a river at this point). We came to the yellow trail and I didn't remember having been on that one, so we took that to see where it would end up. It must have gone in a circle because after a while, I started seeing familiar stumps, trees, turns that we had seen before. And then somehow, we were back on the blue trail again. Andy was a good sport and seemed to be up to it yesterday. My legs were very tired by the time we got to the car - what a workout! But I got some good pictures!

The forecast today called for snow this afternoon, so we decided to see if we could beat it and get in a hike before the snow came. We went to Franklin Parker Preserve and got some more good pictures but the wind blowing across the water was stingingly cold, and we turned around after only walking a quarter of a mile. Well, we walked enough yesterday to last for several hikes!

There was no one at this park today except us. It was easy to understand why. And we didn't stay long either. But isn't there a certain beauty about the wildness of the place? 

And now it is snowing! So much for the first day of spring!

Amy, LBI, Another Puzzle and the Latest Book

We didn't just sit around at home this week. Monday was Amy's birthday and I had some gifts to take her, so we went up on Sunday after church and spent the afternoon with her and the family. I made a cake on Saturday that everyone enjoyed after our lunch together.

It was fun seeing them all and spending some time with them.  Can you believe it that our baby is now 34 years old?????

Isn't she beautiful?

Here is the evidence of some of the craziness:

 

Silly kids!

 

Traffic wasn't too bad on Sunday afternoon even on the expressway, although there were some pockets of "slinky traffic." That was Andy's term for the speeding up/slowing down phenomenon. 

Andy had been hinting that he wished we could take a vacation. But after explaining again why we can't go away, he was ok with my promise that we'd take day trips to the shore or other places close by. So when a friend last week invited us to visit them at their shore house, we decided to give it a go. Their place is on LBI so it was only an hour's drive from our house. It's been hot and humid here, but there was a sea breeze that day so it was a nice break to enjoy the outdoors and be a little cooler. We enjoyed lunch together, then went to the beach and sat on a bench at the top of the dunes, looking out at the ocean. 

Bob has a hard time walking, he's unsteady on his feet and his legs are shaky. So he walks with a walker or cane. He has been feeling depressed because he's slowing down and not able to do what he has all his life. I was amazed, though, by the way Andy interacted with Bob. He was engaged, asking questions about Bob's business and his family. The questions were perfectly normal and appropriate. He still has his pastor's heart. When we left, I felt like they really appreciated our spending the time with them.

I love looking at the ocean.

 

As much as we enjoyed the time, though, we were exhausted the rest of the week. We just can't seem to do even the simplest of excursions without it taking its toll.

I've been thinking of Andy and how it is around here. On the one hand, he is very forgetful, not even knowing what day it is. This morning (Sunday), after his shower, he put on a blue t-shirt and shorts. In fact, it's the same outfit he has on in the above picture! When I saw how he was dressed, I told him it was Sunday. He knew he needed to change into a nicer shirt and long pants. Later, when we sat down to have our morning coffee, he still hadn't changed. I asked him if he was going to change and he asked why. I reminded him that it was Sunday, and he said he didn't know it was. 

On the other hand, he is so sweet, kind, loving, good-natured and gentle. He's constantly concerned about the other person. In most cases, that's me. But at church, he's very much attuned to others, even when he's very tired. He was so tired this morning, he couldn't stand for all of the singing. But after the service, when people were talking to him, he interacted and talked to them as if everything was normal. Oh, sometimes, he goes off on a totally different direction from where the conversation was going. But in his mind, there is some connection. And everyone is so kind and loving to us. 

We worked on a very difficult puzzle for the last several weeks. With each one we do, we comment that this is the hardest one so far. But this one really was. We were able to do the white pieces, the clock, the man and outer edges fairly easily. But all the brown around the clock took twice as long as the whole rest of the puzzle.

But we finally finished it. And we're on to the next one now. I confess that I like doing the puzzles. I'm not sure Andy does, but he humors me by helping out sometimes. I think it's good for him to try and he does it because I ask him to.

Yesterday, Dawn stopped by with Kira and Kasey. We played with them for a little while over at the neighbor's house with the neighbor kids.

I finished a book this week loaned to me by a friend, Sensible Shoes. It's the story of the spiritual journey of four women. It was fiction, but not typical fiction because there was a lot of deep spiritual truth taught in a way that was engaging and riveting. I don't usually go for Christian fiction but this book was enjoyable and challenged me in my own spiritual journey. I highly recommend it.