Our church had a ladies retreat this weekend. The theme for the weekend was "perseverance" and discipleship. I was honored to be invited to be part of a panel for the perseverance theme. I don't really feel like I'm an expert at persevering, but when I told my daughter that, she responded with some very kind and encouraging words: "...Being that an expert is someone who has a comprehensive knowledge about a particular subject I would say you qualify to talk about suffering. Maybe you don't feel that you are suffering well, but you do know it well and will certainly have wisdom to share. I'm sure it will be good for you and I'm glad you are going."

I'm glad I did it. I spent a lot of time this past week thinking about the subject, looking up Scripture and praying about how the Lord could use me to minister and encourage others who are going through hard times. One of the questions that was asked was: "How have you maintained your faithfulness in your journey?"

Anyone who reads my blog knows I am a reader. I constantly have 2 or 3 books going. I choose books that will challenge me in my walk with the Lord, books that focus on the goodness of God, on the purpose of suffering, or biographies of people who have endured through hard times. 

Here is a list of some of my favorite books:
1. Be Still My Soul, by Nancy Guthrie
2. The Rest of the Gospel, by Dan Stone
3. Holding on to Hope, by Nancy Guthrie
4. Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, by Nancy Guthrie
5. If God is Good, by Randy Alcorn
6. Walking with God through Pain and Suffering, by Timothy Keller
7. When God Weeps, by Joni Eareckson Tada
8. A Place of Healing, by Joni Eareckson Tada
9. Jesus Wept, by Bruce Marchiano
10. Abide in Christ, by Andrew Murray

Music also ministers to me. Often times, songs are developed in the heart of the song writer because of difficulties they are facing. Those kinds of songs speak to the heart, reminding us of God's faithfulness, love and presence. 

My suggestions of songs that are uplifting and God honoring:
1. O My Soul, All My Days by Casting Crowns
2. More Than Anything, by Natalie Grant
3. Even If, by Mercy Me
4. Reckless Love, by Cory Asbury 
5. Trust in You, by Lauren Daigle 
6. The Cross Has the Final Word, by the Newsboys
7. At the Cross, by Chris Tomlin


And there are many more.

One of the things I mentioned that helps me through the hard times is Scripture memory. Years ago, when I started memorizing Scripture, I promised God I wouldn't brag about how many verses I knew by heart. It would be a secret between him and me. But I felt him prompting me to mention the importance of "hiding God's Word in our hearts." I confessed that I have memorized whole books of the Bible, as well as whole portions of other meaningful texts. The reason I felt this is an important step in being able to cope with life's trials is that now when I have a night where I can't sleep, I have something to think about. Reviewing passages I have memorized places my mind in the right place - instead of going to the worry place. I do that anyway, but I'm so grateful that I can leave the worry and go to the Scriptures for peace and comfort. Sometimes, I review for hours, but usually, it only takes a minute or two before I feel myself relaxing and drifting back to sleep. 

One of the passages I memorized a while back was 2 Peter 1:1-11. As I was reviewing it this week, I was struck with the word "perseverance" in the middle of a list of qualities that we receive as a result of knowing Jesus. Perseverance is next to godliness (not cleanliness!). But that list of qualities, faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, love, are given to us by Jesus' divine power for life and godliness.

All of life is dependent on Jesus living in and through me. Apart from Him I can do nothing. He is faithful and helps me to be faithful. He is the God of encouragement and encourages me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and He helps me to persevere. Even the perseverance is from Him. Without Him, I would quit...this is too hard. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ~ "May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." He certainly didn't quit, but was faithful to the task the Father had planned for our salvation.

Spring is taking its good old time to warm up. Everyone seems so ready for it to get warmer, but I think the flowers are staying with us longer because it's cooler. It's like they're refrigerated!
 

 I "borrowed" a book I saw at Christy's the last time I was at her house. It wasn't even her book, someone had loaned it to her. And I didn't ask her permission to read it, I just picked it up and told her I wanted to read it! So because of that, I felt I needed to read it quickly since I didn't ask permission and since it wasn't hers. The book was When God Doesn't Fix It by Laura Story. She tells the story of how after only one year of marriage, her husband developed a brain tumor. He underwent surgery to remove the tumor, but the surgery affected his vision and his short term memory. He will never get better. He's young with a young family. Laura is the bread winner, working a full time job, taking care of him and her children. How does she do it? She writes candidly and honestly about their situation. She felt prompted to tell her story, "a story without an ending. A story, not of hope, but of being held by Him during [her] hopelessness."

It got me to thinking. How often have I wondered "how long..." It's already been 5 years that Andy has been ill. He continues to decline, it's painful to visit him and see him suffering. How long??? But there others who are suffering and have suffered their whole life. I know a family that has a severely disabled daughter. She is currently 18 years old, has been in and out of the hospital those 18 years. How long can this family endure? I know another woman whose husband died several years ago. She has a daughter who is in her 40's with the mental capacity of a 3 year old. How does she endure? Or what about Joni Eareckson Tada who has been a quadriplegic for 50 years?

Then I was reading Psalm 13 where David asked 4 times in the first 2 verses: "How long?"

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" But then David appeals to the Lord.

"Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death."

And he concludes with this declaration of his faith in God: "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

What a perfect ending to our angst and questions...look to God, trust Him, focus on his goodness and love and the many blessings we enjoy.

I constantly need to learn and re-learn the lesson of waiting on the Lord. He has been gently whispering, reminding me that I am too concerned about feeling the need to know how long this is going to last. I'm in the middle of several things that are just not being resolved very quickly. This has to be ok...There's nothing I can do to hurry things along. Do I really trust God and His sovereignty? 

Then today in pastor's message, he gave an illustration of a man who said he determined that his life's verse should be Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Our waiting is important to God. He says it twice in this one verse. Waiting is an indication that we are trusting in Him to work things out. 

In fact, another verse that I discovered some time ago is Isaiah 64:4 which declares that God "acts on behalf of those who wait for him." My trying to work things out and even my anxiety if I can't make things happen, is really not trusting God. My working actually prevents Him from doing the work. In reality, He can do a much better job since he knows the end from the beginning, and all the little details that I might miss. 

Waiting on the Lord involves patient endurance. This trial has revealed to me that I am not a patient person. I want resolution. But I was convicted this week that I need to stay the course. This might take a long time, maybe years. But God who is faithful, will help me be faithful. God is the God of encouragement and will encourage me to do what I need to do. Jesus persevered through what God had called Him to, and he will help me to persevere.  A friend shared with me 2 Thessalonians 3:3 & 5 ~ "But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one...May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance." This is a great comfort to me, because this is just too hard for me to do on my own.

And then I read in 90 Days of God's Goodness a quote by J.C. Ryle, where he says: "There is nothing which shows our ignorance so much as our impatience under trouble. We forget that every cross is a message from God and intended to do us good in the end. Trials are intended to make us think, to wean us from the world, to send us to the Bible, to drive us to our knees."

I can't help but think of all that Jesus endured when he was here on earth, his passion and death on the cross. The gospels record how he didn't open his mouth against his accusers. He didn't resist his captors or retaliate. Peter in 1 Peter 2:21 says that we are called to suffer as Christ suffered. He was our example. He entrusted himself to God who judges justly. And how can we do less? My suffering is miniscule compared to what Christ suffered, but my heart is often consumed with fear, anxiety and complaints.

I had a free morning on Tuesday, so I picked up Kasey and brought her to the house for some girl time. She spends her days with her brother and 3 boy cousins, so Dawn and I have pity on her and are trying to provide at least one day a month for her to have a break from the boys. It was a nice day so we played on the swing set for a little while, then walked back to the pond to see if there was any water in it. There was a little since we had quite a bit of rain recently, enough for a couple of ducks to be splashing about.

Our neighbor has a huge area fenced in for a number of goats, so Kasey and I went over to look at them. They came over to see us, baaing as they came and butting up against the gate. All of a sudden, the gate opened and a goat escaped. I quickly leaned against the gate to prevent the others from getting out. As I tried to figure out what had happened, I realized that the clasp that had held the gate shut was rusted and had fallen to the ground. So now there is no way to close the gate.

Fortunately, I had my phone in my pocket and was able to text the woman who owns the goats about the situation. And again, fortunately, she was home and was able to come save me from the goats. It was a bit comical. In the middle of holding the gate shut against the goats, Kasey told me she was ready to go back to the house. I told her I was ready, too. But I had to persevere and wait for the owner of the goats to rescue me. 

So there are lots of opportunities to practice waiting and allowing others to bring relief to our dilemmas.  

When we got back to the house, we had a little more time for some play. Maybe Kasey will follow her other Grammy and her great grandpa by going into the medical field.
 

 

 

What a sweetie. I thoroughly enjoyed having her with me. There's nothing like a child to help you forget your troubles.

Another day's reading in 90 Days of God's Goodness referred to Joni Eareckson Tada. If anyone knows about suffering, she does. I love everything she writes. She says, "It is when your soul has been blasted bare, when you feel raw and undone, that you can be better bonded to the Savior. And then you not only meet suffering on God's terms, but you meet joy on God's terms. And then God...happily shares his gladness, his joy flooding over heaven's walls filling my heart in a waterfall of delight, which then in turn always streams out to others in a flood of encouragement, and then erupts back to God in an ecstatic fountain of praise. He gets your heart pumping for heaven. He injects his peace, power, and perspective into your spiritual being. He imparts a new way of looking at your hardships. He puts a song in your heart."  

Then at the end of that day's reading, Randy Alcorn prays for God's grace. "We need your grace today, this moment, to know that we are in your hands, that you will get us through. Thank you for your past grace poured out for us on the cross and your future grace that will be poured out to us in your eternal kingdom. Give us present grace, that we may sing your praises now."

It's all grace...every moment! In the here and now, as we wait on Him.

"Spiritual growth is sometimes tedious work, one small step at a time." Improvement is gradual. There are seasons in our spiritual life. "Sometimes we will have a short, intense burst of growth (springtime) followed by a period of stabilizing and testing (fall and winter)." (from Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life, page 221)

The stabilizing and testing are just as necessary to our lives as the bursts of growth. We can appreciate spring so much better after having endured the winter. It's why I love living in the northeast. I can like winter only as I think of how temporary it is and how lovely spring will be. But even in winter, there are moments of beauty...as in new fallen snow, of frozen ponds providing recreation to ice skaters, a blazing fire in a fireplace that adds ambiance and coziness, a mug of hot chocolate, just to mention a few. 

Right now my season of life seems to be a certain plodding. One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm conscious of the fact that I need to be content with things at a certain standstill. When people ask me how Andy is or how I am, I say "about the same." And I have to thank God for that answer. God uses the mountain top experience as well as drought times to grow us, mature us, make us more like Jesus.

I think more than ever, my life's theme needs to be:

Help me want the Healer more than the healing
Help me want the Savior more than the saving
Help me want the Giver more than the giving
Help me want you Jesus more than anything 
Written by Becca Mizell and Sam Mizell, recorded by Natalie Grant

I subscribe to Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word and he addressed the subject of change as it relates to the new year. It goes along with the growth process as mentioned above.

"Biblical Christianity, which has the gospel of Jesus Christ at the center, simply doesn't rest its hope in big moments of change. The fact of the matter is that the transforming work of grace is more of a mundane process.

Change typically takes place in ten thousand little moments, not one life-altering event.

The little moments of life are profoundly important precisely because they are the little moments. We live most of our existence in these mundane, everyday moments. For every huge life-changing moment, we experience ten thousand insignificant moments.

The beautiful thing about the gospel is that Jesus Christ offers grace for each of these little moments. The Bible doesn't say, "His mercies are new once a year." No, "His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Jesus is named Emmanuel, not just because he came to earth once, but because he makes you the place where he dwells every day. This means he is present and active in all the mundane moments of your daily life.

In these small moments, he is delivering every redemptive promise he has made to you. In these unremarkable moments, he is working to rescue you from you and transform you into his likeness.

By sovereign grace, your Lord will place you in ten thousand little moments that are designed to take you beyond your character, wisdom, and grace so that you'll seek the help and hope that can only be found in him.

In a lifelong process of change, he is undoing you and rebuilding you again - exactly what each one of us needs!"

Even though Monday was a holiday, I went to the office and worked for a couple of hours. I didn't work the whole day as I usually do but it was enough to get me out of the house with something to do. I also had off on Tuesday, so with the long weekend (4 days off in a row), I was happy to go to work for a little while. It gave me a chance to clean up from Sunday and get a head start on my week.

With so much time off, I also baked a batch of cookies, then delivered some to the family next door who shoveled my driveway last Saturday, another couple dozen to a teen who had helped me with a project - house related. I saved some for Tommy, just because he raves over my cookies (probably to ensure that he continues to receive some when I get the urge to bake). After I saw Andy on Monday evening, I stopped by Dawn's to deliver the cookies to Tommy. Unfortunately, he didn't feel well and was already in bed. But I'm sure they didn't last long when he got up the next day. I had the privilege of reading a story to this little guy again. I love it that he is wearing his batman pj's.

We had another snowstorm - a doozy this time, a nor'easter with snow and high winds - on Thursday. I didn't go to work all day, but stayed home. It was a little frustrating because Thursday is my big day of printing all the literature for Sunday. But I couldn't do much about it. I couldn't help but think, though, how Andy and I used to be ready for adventures when it snowed. Guys are a lot more prone to risk snowy, icy roads than women; at least this woman. Let me stay safe and warm! But when Andy oversaw the building and we worked together at the church, we would venture out just to see what the roads were like. I remember one year we made it into the parking lot at church, but then got stuck because the snow was so deep, the car just couldn't push through it. Andy had to get into the building, find a shovel, then dig us out. That is a good and fun memory for me. Of course, I stayed in the car with the heater going full blast while he dug us out. 

Winter of 2011

This time, Tommy came and took care of the driveway for me so I was able to get to work on Friday. By then, the parking lots were plowed and the walkways were cleared. Yes, and because Tommy did that work for me, I felt compelled to make another batch of cookies on Saturday. 

A friend gave me an amaryllis at Christmas. It is an amazing flower. I haven't watered it since she gave it to me and with no attention, it started blooming. Another amazing tidbit on the amaryllis is that it rhymes with Phyllis. The perfect plant for me.
 

 

I continue to visit with Andy every evening at dinner time. One evening as I was feeding him, the man sitting next to us asked Andy how he was doing. Andy didn't say anything, didn't even acknowledge the man by looking at him. He continue to look straight ahead, so I said to him, F asked you how you were doing. Immediately, without a change of expression, he did a thumbs up. 

Tonight he asked me how my classes were going. It seems to be a favorite question for him to ask me. I tell him I'm not taking any classes, then he asks me what I'm doing. I tell him I have a job which leads him to ask where I work. I tell him I work at the church. The conversation usually doesn't go much further than that. This evening when I got up to leave, he told me he would watch the children for me. I told him the children were ok, but he repeated that he would take care of them. I should have thanked him and left it at that, but I told him the children were ok and they could take care of themselves. But he seemed fine with that explanation.

Andy continues to struggle with the tremors in his right hand and chin. His left hand is shaking now, too, as is his right foot. It doesn't seem to be causing him anxiety, though, which is probably a result of medication. I've noticed that the tremors in his hands are very significant if he holds his hands up. If I push his hand down along his side, the tremors stop (at least for a while). Then I take my hand off his, and he raises his hand again, which causes the tremors again. It seems like his hand naturally wants to be closer to his core. I believe this is a Parkinson's symptom. His body wants to close in. 

There have been a number of deaths in families close to me recently: a friend's father, another friend's father-in-law and one of Andy's cousins. These are just good reminders that this life is not all there is...it's only preparation for the life to come, where there will be no sickness or death. 

I love to read 1 Corinthians 15 - the resurrection chapter. Jesus rising from the dead was the greatest victory possible. He conquered death forever, and we no longer need to fear it. 

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (verse 55)

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (verse 57)

This is great incentive to continue in our walk with the Lord, faithfully living a life of faith until He returns for us. Paul continues to exhort: "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you." (verse 58)

A long obedience in the same direction...do not give up or grow weary. God is faithful and will provide what we need when we need it.