Grief Journey

Just when you think you're doing pretty well with this grief thing, you spend a week crying, so on the edge. I have to admit to myself that I'm still very fragile. It seems like the  smallest thing can get blown all out of proportion. Things that are really of insignificant consequence send me over the edge.

It was one of those weeks. Thankfully, the Lord ministers to me in these moments with grace and evidence that he is not condemning but carrying me in my grief. I came across an article on Friday written by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. He has written a number of books on grief, but this was an article entitled, Recognize You Are Not Crazy. He wrote: "You may feel like you are surviving fairly well one minute and in the depths of despair the next. Sudden changes in mood are a difficult, yet natural, part of your grief journey. Mood changes can be small or very dramatic..."

He says you may feel like you're sailing along feeling pretty good, when out of nowhere comes this overwhelming feeling of grief. He calls this "a griefburst - a sudden, sharp feeling of grief that can cause anxiety and pain. Griefbursts may feel like 'crazybursts,' but they are normal. When and if one strikes, be compassionate with yourself. You have every right to miss the person who has died."

He goes on to differentiate between crying and sobbing. "If you're crying and sobbing a lot, you may feel like you're out of control. Sobbing is like wailing, and it comes from the inner core of your being. It is an expression of the deep, strong emotions within you. These emotions need to get out, and sobbing allows for their release. Cry as long and as hard and as often as you need. Don't try to be strong and brave for yourself or others. Tears have a voice of their own. You will be wise to allow yours to speak to you."

Reading this made me realize the timing of my retirement is right. I've been feeling that it would be nice to have the freedom to spend a day crying. There have been a number of days recently that I've been tearful but needing to suck it up, get ready for work and get out of the house. I think I need to embrace my grief and take the time I need to do it well...whatever that looks like.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with something on my mind. In wondering how everything was going to work out, God reminded me that He controls the universe. He measures the heavens with the breadth of his hand and holds the oceans in the palm of his hand. He is soooooo big and transcendent. At the same time, he sees the minutest detail, even the common sparrow that falls to the ground. Since I am worth many sparrows, do I think he does not notice and care about the things that concern me? He is not only transcendent, he is also immanent. Here with me. God with us! When I reflected on these truths about God, I felt  a peace envelope me and I was able to go back to sleep.

I am currently reading Paul Tripp's New Morning Mercies every morning. That morning's reading emphasized the faithfulness of God.

1 Corinthians 1:8-9 ~ "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." That reminded me further of the verse in 2 Timothy 2:13 that even "if we are faithless, He will  remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself." I'm so glad it doesn't depend on my measly faith. Even when my faith falters, He remains faithful, because that is His character.

As a further treat yesterday morning, when I opened my blinds to greet the day, I saw this amazing sunrise.

And then wonder of wonders, Chris Tomlin's Song, Nobody Loves Me Like You came on the radio...so appropriate in the moment.

Morning, I see You in the sunrise every morning
It's like a picture that You've painted for me
A love letter in the sky

 

Story, I could've had a really different story
But You came down from heaven to restore me
Forever saved my life

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

 

Mountains, You're breaking down the weight of all my mountains
Even when it feels like I'm surrounded
You never leave my side, oh oh oh 

 

Nobody loves me like You love me, Jesus
I stand in awe of Your amazing ways
I worship You as long as I am breathing
God, You are faithful and true
Nobody loves me like You

Songwriters: Scott Cash / Ed Cash

Nobody Loves Me Like You lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

 

I couldn't believe the beauty and was just able to get my shoes on, step out on the front porch and snap a picture. And that quickly, in the next minute, all the red was gone and the moment was over. What a treat and blessing from the God who loves me. 

In spite of the red morning, that usually indicates bad weather coming, it was a lovely day: cold but bright sun and no wind. A perfect recipe for a hike in the woods. My friend took me to a hike I had never done before, Blueberry Hill, and we had a wonderful time enjoying the gravel pit and woods.We got in about 3 miles, walking in the woods, then wandering around down in the sand pit.

Then we had a surprise when we found all these little icicles "growing" up out of the soil. Don't ask me to explain this phenomenon, just enjoy!

 

 

Isn't God amazing and creative! These amazing moments make the grief journey more bearable.

A New Year

I'm glad the holidays are over. There were many wonderful moments spent with family and friends but I couldn't help missing my favorite person in all those wonderful moments. My tear ducts got plenty of workouts these last few weeks.

I came across a very helpful article by Nancy Guthrie. I resonate with everything she writes because she obviously is acquainted with grief and not only understands it, but is able to articulate it in a way that ministers to the heart and soul.

The article I am referring to can be read in full here. I will just review her five main points. She writes to those who have recently lost someone they love and to those who would like to be able to comfort them.

1.  Even the best times are punctuated with an awareness that someone is missing.

2.  Social situations are hard.

3.  Extended family can be awkward and uneasy.

4.  Tears are not a problem.

5.  It can be hard to remember why Christmas should be so merry.

She said that "tears do not reflect a lack of faith. Tears are a gift from God that help to wash away the deep pain of loss." I have come to not mind crying. I always seem to feel better after a "good cry." And when I have those moments of crying, I remind myself that someday, Jesus will wipe all those tears away. He sees and cares.

I've tried to keep busy and spend as much time with the kids and grandkids as I can. On Christmas Eve, I left home after lunch and drove to Christy's. I went with her family to her church's Christmas Eve service. She was busy with directing two numbers with the adult choir, then two more numbers with a children's choir, as well as playing with Grace for the offertory. She did an amazing job and I was right proud of her. I know Andy would have been, too.

I stayed overnight with them. The kids said they were going to sleep downstairs by the Christmas tree and invited me to join them there, but I declined, preferring a bed.

On Christmas morning, they awoke early and got permission to open the gifts in their stockings before Christian and Christy came downstairs. I stayed to eat breakfast with them, then drove up to join Amy and her family for Christmas Day.

We had our "Wallin" Christmas on New Year's Eve. Everyone was able to be here this year...no sickies. We had our usual brunch before opening our gifts. Then we just hung out and enjoyed being together the rest of the day.

I love these family pictures. Everyone's personality comes shining through. There are a lot of us, though, aren't there???


And here are my darling daughters. Don't mind my funny face...why am I scrunching my nose? Ha, ha

I was able to fit in a couple of hikes in November with friends. We've had so much rain (will it ever stop?) that made the creeks and waterways full and overflowing.

At one point we couldn't go any further and had to turn around and go back the same way we came.

I had not been to this spot before that I could remember and was delighted to take in its beauty: Goshen Pond in the Pine Barrens.

This past weekend, Friday and Saturday, I spent with Amy and her family. I played games with the kids on Friday afternoon, stayed in their guest room overnight, then just lounged on Saturday morning. Amy wanted to take me to a little coffee shop that she likes, so we took the kids and had our coffee and hot chocolate, and shared a peanut butter brownie, before I took off for home again.

 
The process has begun toward building an in-law suite onto Dawn's house. I hired an architect and he has given me an initial set of plans. Dawn, Tommy and I looked them over, tweaked them and got a revised set. I'm happy with the architect that we are using. He is helpful, courteous, patient in explaining why certain things can't be done but mostly very professional and knowledgeable. I think we'll all be very happy with the final result. There is still lots of work for him to do, some of which include adding in electrical, heating and air conditioning, plumbing, etc. But we're on our way...

Another big change is on the horizon. I am retiring from my job in the church office after 26 years. I only have five weeks left there. It has been a wonderful job, ministering to the body of Christ using the gifts and abilities He's given me, and working in an environment that honors Christ. I will miss being there but felt God leading me that it was time to pass the baton to the younger generation.

With all that's happening this coming year, I feel like the time was right to retire. I will have more time to spend with the grandkids. It's been harder to find a time that works for them and me. As they get older, they are involved in more activities and it's been a bit of a challenge to fit them in around my work schedule.

I will also be busy with supervising and overseeing the building of the suite onto Dawn's house. Many decisions will have to be made and it will be nice to have the time to do that. I also need to go through my house and systematically decide on what to keep (not much), what to throw away and what to give away or sell - major downsizing. I have accumulated a lot of stuff, and it will require much effort to clean out the basement, two garages and the shed, let alone the living spaces in the house. Most of my furniture will not fit in a smaller suite/apartment.

I'm also hoping to fit in a few trips this year. I've had some west coast friends invite me back for a visit. I'd also like to spend some time with my sister again. And I've already got a vacation in Maine on my calendar.

2019 promises to be an interesting year...no lack of new adventures.

And isn't that just like the Lord? I'm grateful that in spite of missing dear Andy, I'm still enjoying life and the blessings the Lord gives in this life. It's an interesting phenomenon how joy and sadness can co-exist. I anticipate that I'll always miss Andy. He will never be forgotten. What I went through with his illness and loss is a part of my story. In the midst of the pain and sorrow I experienced and the grief I still experience, I have also experienced the comfort of the Lord, answers to my pleas for help, his nearness, his presence through it all. He is a good God, full of grace, love, compassion, and yes, even joy.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I can overflow with hope because "Christ is [in me], the Hope of Glory." Colossians 1:27

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas: the most wonderful time of the year...or is it?

I've been struggling with tears and the lump in my throat as I think about these holidays without my dear Andy. Listening to Christmas songs is not necessarily helpful, especially secular Christmas music.  Songs with lyrics like:

"May your days be merry and bright

"Have a holly jolly Christmas...It's the best time of the year"

"Have a happy holiday, everyone dancin' merrily"

references to mistletoe, good times, home for the holidays

"It's the most wonderful time of the year"

Then this morning, I heard Ryan Stevenson singing ThisChristmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve

And nothing's under the tree

But I'm not blue

'Cause I've got you, and baby you've got me

And this holiday

We're gonna be okay

We ain't got much

But baby we've got us, and that's all we need

Ugh...This one was so sad to me. It's not ok because I don't have my "baby." This did bring back memories though, because there were many Christmases where we were too poor to get each other gifts, agreeing to save our money for more of the necessities. The first four years of our marriage were spent in seminary, each of us working several jobs to avoid wracking up student debt.

I found a picture of our tree our first Christmas together.

 

Pretty pathetic, I know, but there's a story to go with it. Andy and a friend got a permit that cost $1 to go into the mountains near Portland and cut down their own tree. It was quite an adventure for the two guys because they had to trudge through deep snow; and the trees were growing on a mountain which made them asymmetrical. But I think Andy did pretty good in the end, and it was a tree to be proud of!

So in one sense, this is not the most wonderful time of the year, because who enjoys sadness and struggling to keep from crying and being reminded of happier past Christmases. But if we keep our focus on the present, we are overcome with despair and depression because there is so much to be sad about. However, in a conversation I had with someone the other day, he encouraged me to remember the reason for the season! It's not necessarily about family traditions, giving and receiving gifts, lots of parties and fun times. If we focus on the real meaning of Christmas, on the past, then yes, it is the most wonderful time of the year. It is the greatest story ever told. It's what gives us hope in the middle of hard times here. The Gift is the Giver! Amazing. He willingly left the safety and splendor of heaven to live with us, to become like us. Because he lived in our world, he understands the heartache and suffering that we endure. 

"He was a Man of Sorrows, familiar with grief." Isaiah 53:3

"Because He Himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." Hebrews 2:18

 

I've been reading Ken Gire's book, Moments with the Savior.

 

 

He has a beautiful way of writing about special moments Jesus spent with people in his three years of ministry. I'll give two examples. 

Mary Magdalene had been there when he suffered at the cross; now he is there when she is suffering at the empty tomb on Resurrection Morning. She had stood by him in his darkest hour (at the cross); now he is standing by her in hers. He had seen her tears; now he is there to wipe them away. In the triumph of the resurrection, Jesus could have paraded through the streets of Jerusalem. He could have knocked on Pilate's door. He could have confronted the Pharisees. But the first person our resurrected Lord appears to is a woman without hope. And the first words he speaks are: "Woman, why are you crying?" What a Savior we serve, or rather who serves us. For in his hour of greatest triumph, he doesn't shout his victory from the rooftops. he comes quietly to a woman who grieves...who desperately needs to hear his voice...see his face...and feel his embrace.

Or what about Peter? Can you imagine the guilt Peter felt after he denied his Lord? He must have spent every moment beating himself up, agonizing over his denial of Jesus. But Jesus is gentle and gracious, obviously forgiving Peter when they meet on the shore of the lake. He simply asks Peter: "Do you love me?" He asks three times, once for each denial. Not to rub it in, but to give Peter an opportunity to openly confess his love. Something Peter desperately needs to verbalize. By the third time Jesus asks him, Peter gets the connection, and a flame leaps from that smoldering memory. But Jesus is not there to inflict pain; he is there to relieve it. Jesus had seen his bitter tears when the rooster crowed. That was all he needed to see. That was repentance enough. Peter looks up, longing for the faintest glimmer of forgiveness. And in a language beyond words, in a language of love, it glows from the Savior's eyes. "Feed my sheep, Peter." Jesus' way of saying, "I still believe in you...I still think you're the right man for the job."

And I wrote down in my journal this morning: "Jesus is my friend. No matter how miserably I let him down, He's always there to pick me up. No matter how many times I fail Him, He is always there to forgive me. No matter how far I drift, He is always there, waiting for me to return...waiting with a comforting fire...warm food and a heart full of love."

There is great comfort in these truths. Simeon declared that Jesus was to be the consolation of Israel. (Luke 2:25) God longs to comfort his people who have suffered so much. Yes, a lot of their suffering was because of their willfulness and idolatry. But that doesn't negate God's love and compassion. Through Isaiah, he promises comfort for his people with the coming of the Lord. 

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins." (Isaiah 40:1-2)

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." (Isaiah 51:3)

"I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass..." (Isaiah 51:12)

"The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." (Psalm 145:9)

It's because of the Baby in the manger and the reason he came that this is the most wonderful time of the year. This brings hope to our darkest and loneliest times.

Seasons come and seasons go. I've been wrestling with the idea of not blogging any more. I've come through a season of intense difficulty and struggle, but that is now over. Yes, there are other things that I'm dealing with and will experience, but the level of intensity has eased significantly.

I feel like I'm beginning a new chapter in the story of my life. God is still very present in that story, but it's going to be different from what I've come through.

I believe God is leading me to be more involved with my grandkids and family. I'm excited about spending more time with the ones I love.

I believe the purpose of my life is not over, and although I'm still searching that one out, I believe that God will show me along the way His purpose for me.

Remember by Lauren Daigle
Album: Look Up Child
Released : 2018
In the darkest hour when I cannot breathe
Fear’s on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything’s crashing down, everything I have known
When I wonder if I’m all alone
I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain
Above all the lies, I know You can make a way
I’ve seen giants fall, I’ve seen mountains move
I’ve seen waters part because of You
I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there

 I can’t stop thinking about
I can’t stop thinking about
I can’t stop thinking about
Your goodness, goodness

I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there
With me

Although the journey was difficult, I'm grateful for the memory of God's faithfulness, nearness and presence with me on that journey. It is a comfort to have that experience of His goodness to me in the middle of what appeared to be very bad, because it strengthens my faith that no matter what the future holds, God will continue to be faithful.

There are 52 verses in Psalm 89 and Ethan the Ezrahite, who wrote the psalm, mentions God's faithfulness in seven of those verses, as well as describing God's love as being faithful.

Psalm 89:1
"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations."

Verse 2
"I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself."

Verse 5
"The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too, in the assembly of the holy ones."

Verse 8
"O Lord God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O Lord, and your faithfulness surrounds you."

Verse 14
"Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you."

Verse 33
"But I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness."

Verse 49
"O Lord, where is your former great love, which in your faithfulness you swore to David?"

Verse 24
"My faithful love will be with him...(speaking of David)

And even "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself" (2 Timothy 2:13).

What an awesome God. He is worthy of all our honor and glory and praise. May the rest of my life be a testimony of God's grace.

God continues to pour out his lavish grace on me. His mercies are new every day, multiple times a day.

In Sunday school class this morning, we read Lamentations 3 and were amazed at how awful Jeremiah's life was, all the horrible things he was experiencing. He is very detailed in his suffering:
"My skin and flesh grow old and my bones are broken (verse 4);
I am besieged and surrounded with bitterness and hardship (verse 5);
I dwell in darkness like those long dead (verse 6);
I am walled in so I cannot escape and am weighed down with chains (verse 7);
I am mangled and left without help (verse 11);
I am a target for arrows (verse 12);
I am a laughingstock of all my people, they mock me all day long (verse 14);
My teeth are broken with gravel and I am trampled in the dust (verse 16);
I have been deprived of peace, I have forgotten what prosperity is (verse 17).

But in spite of all these awful descriptive pictures of his terrible suffering, Jeremiah concludes:
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:21-23)

Is Jeremiah being realistic? I would wholeheartedly say yes, he is. I have experienced the goodness of the Lord in spite of going through suffering. I think his goodness is more evident when we are desperate, when there's no where to go except to the Good Shepherd, where we receive everything we need and lack nothing.

The intensity of my suffering has eased. In fact, in a way, I don't feel like I am suffering at all right now. For five years, I was so consumed with Andy's illness, making sure he was being taken care of, worrying about how to pay for his care, making decisions without his input, and generally, getting used to being a widow even though I technically wasn't one yet. But all that is now behind me. It feels like there has been closure, with a new chapter opening up before me.

That doesn't mean I don't think about Andy any more. On the contrary, I think of him all the time. And I expect that I'll always carry him in my heart. Having done life with him for 44 years makes a difference in the way I live my life now.

There are a number of changes that will be coming my way in the near future. This is helping me to have purpose to my life. I have a future and a hope, as Jeremiah says in Jeremiah 29:11.

I had another grandchild over this past weekend. This time it was 8 year old Katy. She chose to watch The Fox and the Hound and decided to watch it as a fairy.

Speaking of thinking of Andy at every moment of the day, one of the songs in the movie was Goodbye May Seem Forever:

Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart's a memory 
And there you'll always be. 

Yes, how true. It was hard not to get choked up on that one.

Katy has a wonderful imagination, and it was fun to play with her on some of her fantasies. When she woke up on Saturday morning, she was a vet healing the broken leg of a hurt dog.

We had a good time together, eating ice cream, watching a Veggie Tales video, coloring, playing with Kira, playing some games, and taking a hike. The weather was so inviting for hiking, and we went over to Black Run Preserve again. The leaves are past their peak, I think, but there was still enough color to make the walk a delightful excursion.

We found a very big leaf...bigger than Katy's head.

All in all...another beautiful weekend spent with one of my grandchildren.

We sang a song this morning in church with the lyrics in the chorus:

Oh Your grace so free washes over me
You have made me new, now life begins with You
It's Your endless love pouring down on us
You have made us new, now life begins with You
from Death Arrested by Adam Kersh, Brandon Coker, Heath Balltzglier, and Paul Taylor

I love the imagery of grace washing over me. Another song describes grace as an ocean, then goes on to add: "we're all sinking."


Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin!


John 1:16 ~ "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another."

Romans 5:17 ~ "For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ."

2 Corinthians9:8 ~ "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Ephesians 1:7, 8 ~ "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

Ephesians 2:7 ~ "...In the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus."

Thank God for his amazing grace!

While  I was in Maine, I was reading Elisabeth Elliot's book, The Path of Loneliness. This was such an applicable book for me at this time. She was a widow twice, and I resonated with much of what she wrote.

I have been telling people when they ask me how I'm doing: "Amazingly well. People must be praying for me because God is lavishing his grace and mercy on me."

Then I came across this in Elisabeth Elliot's book:
"I did not cry at the memorial service for my first husband. It seemed very strange to onlookers, I'm sure -- 'She must be made of concrete!' -- but I am not the only one who has experienced this. It often happens that those whose loss is greatest receive the greatest share of grace, mercy and peace. This does not mean that they never cry, of course. But they do not collapse. Those who only watch and pray and try to put themselves in the place of the bereaved find it almost unendurable. Sometimes they weep uncontrollably, for their imaginations never include the grace."

She goes on to say that the "peace given simply passes understanding, and I am borne up by those intense prayers, as if on strong wings, far above grief."

Yes and Yes...so it is with me. Who can explain it except to say that "God is the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles..." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Another chapter in her book is titled, The Gift of Widowhood. She says that everything is a  gift, another assignment. How can she say such a thing? Widowhood a gift? She reminds us that "there would be no widowhood if there was no death. The inexorable love of God allowed me to become a widow. The Lord of Hosts is absolutely sovereign. He holds power over the universe, He holds authority over my life - not because He usurps the rights with which He endowed me in creation, but because I had specifically asked Him to be Lord of my life."

Are we serious when we pray, "not my will, but yours be done, Lord"? How often do we sing: "I surrender all"? Do we mean it? Do we trust God that he really does know what is best for us? These are hard questions. I suppose it is easier for certain personality types to be more compliant and trusting, but even then, we can really do nothing in our own strength apart from the grace of God providing for my endurance in whatever comes my way.

I believe God is enabling me to continue living, and not collapsing in utter despair. I am the recipient of many blessings and I'm grateful that He has given me eyes to see and enjoy those blessings. He has given me so many grandchildren that I could have one over once a month and occupy my whole year in that way.

Since I returned from Maine, I'm trying to get caught up on having the grandkids over for a sleepover with me. I got a little behind because of going on vacation in June, then being involved with Andy's illness and funeral.

I was able to have Chase over the end of September (see previous post). Last Saturday was Naomi's turn. We watched a lot of movies together, and it was so therapeutic to laugh together. We watched 2 Love Bug movies and several Andy Griffith episodes. We giggled at the silly expressions and antics of Barney Fife.

We also got in a hike at Palmyra Cove along the Delaware River. The weather was lovely. Naomi told me she was glad that I walked briskly and didn't lag behind. I took that as a compliment since I'm 56 years older than she is!

In the middle of the week, I went back to Palmyra Cove with a friend and we hiked the same trail. Again, it was a lovely day - perfect fall weather.

There was activity in the tidal pool with lots of gulls, but also at least 6 egrets. They were pretty far away from us so the pictures didn't turn out too well.

On our way out of the park, we paused to take pictures of deer that were in the woods right beside the road. They were very calm, not at all frightened of us. They were probably as curious about us as we were thrilled to be looking at them.

The sky was so blue, making a beautiful backdrop to this craggy old willow tree.

Then on Friday, Amy drove down with Joanna and Katy to leave Joanna for her turn with Grammy. She loved playing games, and we playing almost continually. I taught her a few new ones. She caught on quickly to the rules of the games and joined the tradition of all my other grandkids by beating me most of the time. Fortunately, they don't seem to hold it against me that I'm just not able to win when I play with them. (Actually, I think it boosts their self image to beat me!)

We also took a hike on Saturday morning...to another of my favorite places: Black Run Preserve. It was pretty dreary, but at least it wasn't raining, and wasn't too hot or too cold. There were hints of color in the leaves. I love the enthusiasm of the kids when they're hiking. I'm impressed with how observant they are, noticing details that I often miss.

We got back to the house, had our lunch, then picked up Kira to join us at the movies. 

What a fun weekend. Now it's back to my quiet house but I must say, I don't mind. I like both having the kids and having quiet. 

Elisabeth Elliot says that there is a difference between loneliness and being alone. I am alone, but I don't feel lonely. And that, too, is a gift. There is value in alone time. The Bible often speaks of and encourages us to "Be still and know that I am God." It's hard to know God when we're busy and distracted with many activities and things. But when we're quiet, we have  time to contemplate God and His goodness, thanking Him for the gifts He gives. Everything we have is a gift from Him.

Widowhood is a gift...it's a new beginning, an opportunity to watch God provide for my needs, to be my Protector and Caregiver. "The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow." Psalm 146:9

Children are a gift..."[They] are a reward from Him...Blessed is the [Grammy] whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:3, 5

Alone time is a gift..."In quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15 "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

 

It's been over two months since Andy passed from death to eternal life. I didn't know if I would continue my posting. The best word to describe how I was feeling was: "numb." I appreciate my many friends and family members who are concerned about me. I don't always know what to say when they ask how I'm doing. I've come through deep sorrow and at the same time, have experienced moments of great joy.

The day of the memorial service, Pastor told me I could take off as much time as I needed. So I went to work the next day! I reasoned that it would be better than sitting at home by myself. And it was. But after another couple of days, I knew I had to get away. I was physically exhausted and emotionally fragile.

I called my sister in South Carolina and she immediately and graciously urged me to stay with her for a week. I quickly arranged for the office to be covered while I was gone and bought airline tickets.

We didn't have an agenda except to relax and be together. My sister is gifted in hospitality and loves to spend time in her kitchen. She treated me royally with gourmet food and the gift of just sitting in a comfy chair to read, think and chat with her. We did get in a couple of fun things: a pedicure, a hike in nearby woods and a trip to the Biltmore estate.

Raspberry cheesecake with coconut crust

Lemon curd

The grounds at the Biltmore estate in Ashville, NC, had a beautiful display of Chihuly glass sculptures that we enjoyed.

I had to leave SC earlier than I had planned because Hurricane Florence was on the way. I was able to change my flight out without additional cost and got home safely. The time away was such a gift, a respite sorely needed.

Then the following Sunday at church, I really struggled again. Everything reminded me of Andy: the carpet in the lobby (he oversaw the process of replacing it); the auditorium (he worked with Rich on adding decorative molding); walking by the nursery (he loved working with the kids and oversaw the staffing); and even the worship service (how many years had the two of us led worship?). Everyone seemed glad to see me and were kind to ask me how I was doing, but I couldn't help dissolving in tears and admitting: "not good."

But God in His mercy, provided another get away for me. Three Sundays in a row, I missed going to my own church. Don't get me wrong, I love my church, but a break from the pain of all the memories there was essential.

I have been very busy with family in the last several weeks: meeting with Dawn for coffee and conversation; having grandchildren over for special one-on-one time; spending time with the girls and their families, and going to Maine with my special friend, Ruth.

God continues to minister to me through various avenues. I believe He led me to consider what the purpose of the rest of my life should entail. I love the verse Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10 where he stated that he wanted to know Christ and make him known. Then I received Paul Tripp's Wednesday's Word on September 26. He talked about the fear of public speaking that many people experience. He went on to teach that many of us are not called to a public ministry of teaching or preaching, but we are all called to be God's instructors to each other.

He went on to explain:

The Apostle Paul instructs us all, in Colossians 3:16, to “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom.” In this context, Paul is talking about the myriad of everyday-life ministry opportunities that God gives to each of his children.

(This passage is not addressing seminary students or pastors or elders. At the beginning of the chapter, he starts with, “If then you have been raised with Christ…” That's all of us, any Christian, regardless of vocation or location.)

So what do these everyday-life ministry opportunities look like? David shares one in Psalm 51:13: “I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.”

This type of teaching doesn’t require us to lay out a comprehensive theology of grace. Most of us wouldn’t be qualified to do that. Instead, this type of teaching requires us to share our stories of rescue and transformation with others.

This one-on-one, informal ministry is not teaching the person about grace. Rather, I am sharing my experience of grace. People learn, not because I’ve opened the dictionary and given them a lecture, but because I’ve shown them the video of grace in operation in my own life.

What qualifies us to teach in the personal ministry context of everyday life is the grace that we have received in our own moments of need. By being willing to share my own story, I am being a tool of transforming grace in their lives...you will always be called to a life of daily gospel transparency.

So there it is. I have experienced God's lavish grace as I've gone through deep waters. I could not do this in my own strength and in my own power. And if God receives great glory by my display of His grace in my life, then doesn't that make all of this worth it? He alone is worthy. I want to make His name great and glorious.

Psalm 66:2
"Sing the glory of His name; make His praise glorious!"

1 Peter 1:3-7
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade -- kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."